mom doesnt want me to marry FI...

[Circe]

P.S. - Dude, if your mom's dramatic, stop telling her things. I love my folks, but they never drop a grudge, and after watching them hate on my boyfriends for trivia I'd long since forgotten for a decade, I figured it wasn't worth the venting and started myself a journal ....

I NEVER tell my parents any issues that I ever have with DH. However, in this situation, it seems almost inevitable that her mother find out. She had to call her mom to tell her that she missed her flight and could not come for a few days. I am sure her mom asked how/why did you miss your flight, then she probably said she took public transportation which took longer than expected. Then her mom, I would think, asked WHY did you take public trans. WHY didn't your FI take you!!!???? I think the only way of getting out of having her mother find out is lying. Should someone have to lie about why their fiance refused to take her to the airport? I don't think so. That is up to her though. I suppose she could have refused to answer any of her mother's questions, but that seems really rude and suspicious.

Oh, true, and I'm not faulting Slg for not lying - just saying that dramatic parents (why did I just flash on Dramatic Hamster?) need to be managed. It's more future-advice than castigation. If it was me in that situation, I would have been insisting up, down, and sideways that as a grown woman, it was on ME, and I'd WANTED to take public transportation for whatever reason, just because I know that while I might catch hell for a bit under those circumstances, I'd NEVER hear the end of it if it was SO-related ....

 

[diamondseeker2006]

slg, I am sorry I am late to your thread and I am sorry about what happened. I would just say to think very hard about what happens over the next couple of months. Make mental notes about whether he ever makes sacrifices for you. I do think you have some communication issues because you do need to be more direct, such as, "I need you to take me to the airport in the morning, please, and we need to leave at 6." It would be the right thing to do for him to say okay. But at the very least, he should have said, "I have a lot to do on Saturday, so how would you feel if I paid for a taxi for you instead?".

I've been married 34 years and I spent some period of time early on unhappy because he couldn't read my mind. I did have to learn to ask for things I needed. He was never the affectionate type, but he shows love by serving. He does anything I ask him, almost. He'll run to the store, stop and pick up dinner, or cook dinner if I am not around, help take kids places, etc. He takes care of the yard and cars and helps around the house. When we go to the airport we always leave out car there because it only costs something like $5 a day. But if that was not the case, he absolutely would take me. I have had to be very specific of what I want and do not want for gifts because he could never, ever figure that out since I am so picky! So I pick out what I want and he buys it! That way, we are both happy!

As a mom, I have had thoughts before in regard to one of my kids of "he's just not that into you". Guys are rarely going to be perfect and we have to learn to communicate directly. But if he is not showing love to you by putting your needs first some of the time, then you need to consider it a huge red flag. (And of course you had to tell your mom why you missed your flight! I would have been angry with him, too!)

{{{{Hugs}}}} to you!

 

[Fly Girl]

As a mother whose kid has missed a flight, I know I was really upset about that. I'm thinking the mom is blaming FI for her daughter missing the flight. And yes, there was really no way of not telling mom that the flight was missed. Adults should not blame others when they miss a flight. The OP will learn to get herself to the airport on time. This is part of growing up.

Everyone involved should give this some time until this trip is in the past and can be put into perspective. Right now FI is defensive, mom is pissed, and the OP has spent lots of quality time sitting at the airport. Not the best time to make life-changing decisions.

I hope you end up having a nice visit home after all of this.

 

[slg47]

wow, thanks everyone for all of your responses. I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to respond, I am relatively new to PS and have found it to be a wonderful community.

First of all...my mom does not actually mean that we should not get married. She actually was talking about the wedding today. Like I mentioned, she can be a bit dramatic at times but she always gets over it in a day or two.

The reason I told mom...is because she wanted to know why I missed my flight. Her first words were "Why didn't FI drive you?" I'm not sure what I was supposed to say...lying and saying that he was sick or something didn't seem right. I just said "he didn't want to"

I can't remember if I said this or not, but he did say that he would have driven me had I explicitly asked him to a second time. I just got the sense that he wouldn't, even if I had really asked him to, so I did not ask him.

Also I don't spend all of my time driving around to get him cereal, just if I'm close to Target I will stop in and get him some. I actually think we should start ordering it by the case, but that's for a cereal thread? (we should start one...I am curious to see what cereal PSers like the best).

It's interesting...we were talking and he definitely said that he feels like he does fewer little things for me now. I asked him why that is, and he said he's not sure. I told him that even if he thinks it's silly, doing little things would go a long way towards making me happy. He also said that he agrees that I put him first and he does not put me first...but he would rather that I not put him first? That's what I mean by 'going against his personality'...I am not sure if he is the type of person to put other people's needs first.

chemgirl:

My point here is that some people just don't know how to empathize with others and put people before themselves. I don't think you can change them in any material way. I mean, you can tell them what they need to do, but they'll never have the impulse to just do it on their own. You need to decide if you're ok with that. People need different things in a relationship so it depends on what you need to feel loved.

I thought I was fine being independent and doing things for myself, but then the relationship with the ex dissolved for other reasons and I met my husband. I have to say that its really nice to know I have a ride whenever I need one, without having to ask. I realize now that I really need to know that I have somebody backing me who will put me first. I put him first so its only fair right?

haha I am sure it's not the same guy his ex is not married and not a chemical engineer!
but yes, this is what I think I need to do...decide if I am ok with this.

packrat

We've been together 11 years. There have been plenty of times where one of us forgot to say something, and it ends up "Dangit, I can't believe I forgot to say something" "It's ok, we'll figure it out, I forgot all about it and didn't think to ask". We handle it together, not leave the other twisting in the wind b/c it's not our job. Does he do that at his place of employment job or does he buck up and take care of it?

no he always gets stuff done at work but lately he has been very stressed at work. I suggested to him that he figure out how to better deal with stress because work isn't going to get any easier.

Everything I need has to be an explicit request or negotiation? I think not.

I agree. I don't want to 'order him around'--that doesn't seem like a loving partnership!


lulu

from what i've read here, you both have problems communicating & focusing on the (BIG, underlying) issue at hand. you don't feel that he goes out of his way for you. this is how you feel loved. you show him your love by going to the other grocery store for his favorite cereal. this in NOT how he feels loved; therefore, he is not doing these things for you (like excitedly offering to take you to the airport after you've passively suggested it). he's showing you love in some other way. this is a problem. you all need to learn to show love for each other in the way that you need it (sometimes) and appreciate the love your partner shows you in his/her way (other times).

I totally agree. This is definitely something we need to work on. I have no doubt that he loves me but sometimes I do not feel it.


deco

As to whether to marry this guy or not .... here's what I'll say. Marry someone who will bend over backwards to make your life easier. And someone who you are willing to do all sorts of yucky stuff for ... just because you love them that much. Without those two truths --- I just don't think marriage is WORKABLE. Period. You might think you can "suck things up" forever ... but you can't. You'll be resentful every time you see a more doting mate.

yeah, I definitely feel that I am willing to do all of the yucky stuff...but not sure about him. I will ask him. I do sometimes feel resentful when I see a more doting mate, but at the same time, I don't want to be too 'high maintenance' or 'demanding'. I hope that FI and I can find a balance of me being independent and not too needy but still feeling appreciated. Also I totally am with you on the N/S divide, my perception is that relationship dynamics up there are...well...different.

again, thank you all.

 

[ksinger]

wow, thanks everyone for all of your responses. I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to respond, I am relatively new to PS and have found it to be a wonderful community.

First of all...my mom does not actually mean that we should not get married. She actually was talking about the wedding today. Like I mentioned, she can be a bit dramatic at times but she always gets over it in a day or two.

The reason I told mom...is because she wanted to know why I missed my flight. Her first words were "Why didn't FI drive you?" I'm not sure what I was supposed to say...lying and saying that he was sick or something didn't seem right. I just said "he didn't want to"

I can't remember if I said this or not, but he did say that he would have driven me had I explicitly asked him to a second time. I just got the sense that he wouldn't, even if I had really asked him to, so I did not ask him.

Also I don't spend all of my time driving around to get him cereal, just if I'm close to Target I will stop in and get him some. I actually think we should start ordering it by the case, but that's for a cereal thread? (we should start one...I am curious to see what cereal PSers like the best).

It's interesting...we were talking and he definitely said that he feels like he does fewer little things for me now. I asked him why that is, and he said he's not sure. I told him that even if he thinks it's silly, doing little things would go a long way towards making me happy. He also said that he agrees that I put him first and he does not put me first...but he would rather that I not put him first? That's what I mean by 'going against his personality'...I am not sure if he is the type of person to put other people's needs first. chemgirl:

My point here is that some people just don't know how to empathize with others and put people before themselves. I don't think you can change them in any material way. I mean, you can tell them what they need to do, but they'll never have the impulse to just do it on their own. You need to decide if you're ok with that. People need different things in a relationship so it depends on what you need to feel loved.

I thought I was fine being independent and doing things for myself, but then the relationship with the ex dissolved for other reasons and I met my husband. I have to say that its really nice to know I have a ride whenever I need one, without having to ask. I realize now that I really need to know that I have somebody backing me who will put me first. I put him first so its only fair right?

haha I am sure it's not the same guy his ex is not married and not a chemical engineer!
but yes, this is what I think I need to do...decide if I am ok with this.

packrat

We've been together 11 years. There have been plenty of times where one of us forgot to say something, and it ends up "Dangit, I can't believe I forgot to say something" "It's ok, we'll figure it out, I forgot all about it and didn't think to ask". We handle it together, not leave the other twisting in the wind b/c it's not our job. Does he do that at his place of employment job or does he buck up and take care of it?

no he always gets stuff done at work but lately he has been very stressed at work. I suggested to him that he figure out how to better deal with stress because work isn't going to get any easier.

Everything I need has to be an explicit request or negotiation? I think not.

I agree. I don't want to 'order him around'--that doesn't seem like a loving partnership!


lulu

from what i've read here, you both have problems communicating & focusing on the (BIG, underlying) issue at hand. you don't feel that he goes out of his way for you. this is how you feel loved. you show him your love by going to the other grocery store for his favorite cereal. this in NOT how he feels loved; therefore, he is not doing these things for you (like excitedly offering to take you to the airport after you've passively suggested it). he's showing you love in some other way. this is a problem. you all need to learn to show love for each other in the way that you need it (sometimes) and appreciate the love your partner shows you in his/her way (other times).

I totally agree. This is definitely something we need to work on. I have no doubt that he loves me but sometimes I do not feel it.


deco

As to whether to marry this guy or not .... here's what I'll say. Marry someone who will bend over backwards to make your life easier. And someone who you are willing to do all sorts of yucky stuff for ... just because you love them that much. Without those two truths --- I just don't think marriage is WORKABLE. Period. You might think you can "suck things up" forever ... but you can't. You'll be resentful every time you see a more doting mate.

yeah, I definitely feel that I am willing to do all of the yucky stuff...but not sure about him. I will ask him. I do sometimes feel resentful when I see a more doting mate, but at the same time, I don't want to be too 'high maintenance' or 'demanding'. I hope that FI and I can find a balance of me being independent and not too needy but still feeling appreciated. Also I totally am with you on the N/S divide, my perception is that relationship dynamics up there are...well...different.

again, thank you all.

Bolded. VERY disturbing. There could be several reasons for this particular response, none of them good, or at least good for the moment. He sounds VERY conflicted to me, and I suspect that he DOES know why, even if he doesn't want to admit it to himself. HE doesn't want to be first in your life? Because he doesn't want the obligation to return the sentiment? This just REEKS of a guy who isn't ready for marriage. I'm not saying he's a bad guy at all, or that he isn't the guy for you, just that I see his responses as pointing to not ready yet.

And here's an observation I've made over the years - if you're worried about being high-maintenence and needy, you probably aren't. It's been my experience that the women who really ARE, don't give it one iota of their attention. THEY are self-centered and don't see anything wrong in how they behave. Perhaps your communications do need a bit of work, but you don't need to be apologizing all the time for what you need from him, or thinking that it's you. That really IS the typical female response. If only you do (insert whatever here) better, more, less, he'll meet your needs more cheerfully. Tell him what you require, and don't nag. Let him respond how he does and observe it very carefully. If it bothers you, it just does, and don't make excuses for it. If he has the right to refuse, you have every right to not want to put up with that kind of treatment. Unless you really ARE asking him to stand on his head and burp square nickles, he should be happy to make you happy. If he consistently is resentful, you need to consider postponing or looking elsewhere. As far as I'm concerned, love is not a feeling, it's a verb. Love is as love DOES. And if it isn't DOING anything, it isn't really love, no matter how loudly they profess it.

 

[FrekeChild]

For the record, my husband is 28 and he not only would never ever ever dream of not taking me to the airport but he also opens all of my doors for me. And he gets offended when I go to open it for myself. Chivalrous? Yes.

I would say it's not a generational thing.

 

[waterlilly]

I've only skimmed though responses, but...

How is it even an option that he not drive you to the airport? If your partner has a direct need that you are able to fulfill...and you "don't feel like it" - you remember that you are now an adult and do it anyway. That is what a partnership is, if you don't want to be in one - you refuse to do things like that.

You need to stomp on this, and hard. IF you are OK with this, you are OK having someone that does not sacrifice to help you, fine - good luck when you have children if that is an acceptable attitude. BUT, if you want to be in a relationship where someone does stuff they hate simply to help make your life better - you need to make that 110% clear - he needs to know without doubt that you will never tolerate that type of decision again.

In a relationship, each partner should be asking themselves "what have I done or what can I do today to make my partner's life easier?" Everyday you should be thinking of this!

I would be so furious if I was your mother or any other person on the other end of that flight waiting for your arrival. His immaturity has caused a whole line of disruption. Hope he enjoyed his "free" few hours doing something productive.

 

[Natylad]

I've only skimmed though responses, but...

How is it even an option that he not drive you to the airport? If your partner has a direct need that you are able to fulfill...and you "don't feel like it" - you remember that you are now an adult and do it anyway. That is what a partnership is, if you don't want to be in one - you refuse to do things like that.

You need to stomp on this, and hard. IF you are OK with this, you are OK having someone that does not sacrifice to help you, fine - good luck when you have children if that is an acceptable attitude. BUT, if you want to be in a relationship where someone does stuff they hate simply to help make your life better - you need to make that 110% clear - he needs to know without doubt that you will never tolerate that type of decision again.

In a relationship, each partner should be asking themselves "what have I done or what can I do today to make my partner's life easier?" Everyday you should be thinking of this!

I would be so furious if I was your mother or any other person on the other end of that flight waiting for your arrival. His immaturity has caused a whole line of disruption. Hope he enjoyed his "free" few hours doing something productive.

+1
And i could have written a lot on the subject, but i was so extremely astonished and furious when i read the "i don't feel like driving you to the airport" story, that i realized i might say things in an extremely blunt way which wouldn't help slg, so i decided to avoid it

 

[iLander]

"It's interesting...we were talking and he definitely said that he feels like he does fewer little things for me now. I asked him why that is, and he said he's not sure. I told him that even if he thinks it's silly, doing little things would go a long way towards making me happy. He also said that he agrees that I put him first and he does not put me first...but he would rather that I not put him first? That's what I mean by 'going against his personality'...I am not sure if he is the type of person to put other people's needs first."

My DH's response to this was "Wow, he's got a real sucker there."

The "I would rather you not put me first" response is what someone says when they don't want to reciprocate. Because it's hard and takes work. And he's lazy and doesn't want to put in the effort. It's an EXCUSE.

Honey, it's cruel, but he's just not that into you. If you were his dream girl, and he had you up on a pedestal, he would totally do anything and everything for you. Guaranteed. You'd be amazed how much energy and effort a guy is willing to put in when he's really in love.

I strongly suggest you read this book, written by a guy, and see if you're in there:

http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1300713288&sr=8-1

I've seen it with my own son; this is a man (26) who would never take out the garbage, or do his chores, or be helpful in any way, without a major fight. He was a passive-agressive child and difficult to raise. At that point, it didn't seem to be "in his personality" to help others. But when he gets a girlfriend, this guy Can't do enough! He carries her purse, cleans her apartment, brings her lunch, does a TON of little things to make her feel special. He is married now, and continues to bend over backwards to dote on her.I know the relationships aren't the same (obviously!) but it shows how someone CAN change (and FIND it in their personality) when given their own idea of proper motivation.

If you aren't this guy's idea of proper motivation to get off his butt and make an effort, you never will be.

You deserve better, sweetie.

If someone loves you, they think you hung the moon and sunshine flies out your butt. They think you are the end-all and be-all of everything and nothing can STOP them from helping you, loving you, making your life a better place. Love is THE ultimate motivator, it pushes you to give of yourself completely and selflessly. This guy doesn't really love you. Read the book.

Stay with him only if you want to pull his weight the rest of your life.

 

[elrohwen]

I might be alone here, but I never drive DH to the airport and he never drives me. Maybe it's because we're 90min from the airports so it's a pain, but I don't think that anyone in a relationship *has* to drive the other person. Now if you're very close to the airport and it wouldn't have taken him much time, I guess that's a different story.

I think there's more to your mom's comments than just the airport thing. If that was all it was, then I think she's being very dramatic. However, if it's a pattern of behavior, which it sort of sounds like it is, then I think you should consider what she's saying and whether or not it's true.

 

[Prana]

So he doesn't want you to put him first, right? That is a direct quote from him?

Which means that he definitely aint gonna put you first.

What does this mean? Where does this put your relationship? I'm sorry, but why bother to even be in a relationship if you are just going to be putting yourself first all the time- there's no reciprocation, no doting, no concern for the others needs- so what's the point?

Obviously you aren't going to think of only yourself. You aren't going to put yourself first because you are invested in the relationship. You are not going to get the same in return. Those are words straight from his mouth.

Age has nothing to do with it. My DH opens my car door to let me in first, opens doors to buildings, lets me stand under the water in the shower while he freezes his butt off at the other end...(chivalry at it's truest, right there). I don't ask him to do those things, he does them and insists on them because he respects me, and those are some of the ways that he shows it. (He's 27)

Think, honestly THINK of what your future will be like. If he thinks the two of you should each put yourselves first, what happens when you have kids? As a mother, I would hope that you would never put your needs ahead of your children's needs, and from your posts, I know that you wouldn't do that. So that leaves you working full time, taking care of the house, making sure the kids are taken care of, making sure he has his cereal, all while he is off worrying about himself. That will get old FAST and you will end up in a bitter marriage with a lot of resentment. What happens if you get sick? Is he still going to put himself first while you are dying in the hospital? (This is a very real scenario). What happens if you have kids in the future, and your parents get sick and you need to travel right away? Can you rely on him to hold down the fort at home? What happens if you become disabled and can't work or can't get out of bed? Is he still going to be putting his needs first? What will become of YOU if something terrible happens?

I understand that you didn't want to lie to your mom about why you were late to the airport and missed your flight. But you told her that FI "didn't want to drive you to the airport." Were you looking for sympathy from your mom? Because if someone I cared about missed their flight, and told me their FI (of all people) "didn't want to drive them to the airport", you bet I'd have a few choice words to say about that individual. You had to have been expecting your mom to react that way. You could have just as easily said "He couldn't" drive you to the airport and avoided your mother's reaction alltogether.

And then he asked his parents opinions on the matter? Two engaged adults who are asking their parents who amongst you is right or wrong should not be getting married. That behavior is just childish, and reaffirms that he is not ready to get married. IMHO, when you are engaged to someone, that person takes the place as "most important"- it's no longer mommy and daddy who fill those shoes. Why does he need confirmation that he was right? And why did he think it was appropriate to bring you and your relationship into any sort of negative light in front of his parents? That is not OK!

What is his parents relationship like? Is his mom the 'little woman'? Is she expected to hold down the fort while the father goes about his merry life? Or are they two totally self serving individuals, who raised their kids to be the same way?

As I said before, I think you should do a lot of heavy soul searching. You need to discover if this is going to be OK for you for the rest of your life.

And I just wanted to give you kudos for posting under your real username. I think that took a certain amount of courage to do!

 

[Lula]

I suspect, as others do, that this is not simply about the trip to the airport. That's a logistic issue that can be worked out on a case-by-case basis, as other posters have noted (sometimes you drive and leave the car, sometimes your partner drops you off, sometimes you take the train/taxi, etc.).

Ilander and ksinger said it best -- he's sending you a message, and that message is that he's not ready, willing, or able to give you what you need. You can take it or leave it. My advice, having dated one of "those guys" is you consider leaving it -- or at least postponing your wedding until both of you complete some counseling about this issue.

If you go forward, I predict that you will feel very lonely in your marriage. It's so important for two people in a relationship to feel that each has the other's back. You rely need to rely on each other in a marriage -- do you honestly feel you can rely on him to come through for you? Only you can answer that question. But, as someone who has been married a long time, trusting and supporting each other both on a day-to-day basis (the little things -- taking the dog to the vet; picking up groceries; and, yes, taking someone to the airport!) and in the long term (the big things -- death of a parent; illness; job loss) are what keeps a marriage solid. Don't compromise on this.

ETA: I agree with Prana -- it took a lot of courage to post this under your screen name. Bravo!

 

[Prana]

I might be alone here, but I never drive DH to the airport and he never drives me. Maybe it's because we're 90min from the airports so it's a pain, but I don't think that anyone in a relationship *has* to drive the other person. Now if you're very close to the airport and it wouldn't have taken him much time, I guess that's a different story.

I think there's more to your mom's comments than just the airport thing. If that was all it was, then I think she's being very dramatic. However, if it's a pattern of behavior, which it sort of sounds like it is, then I think you should consider what she's saying and whether or not it's true.

But would you drive him if he asked? Would he drive you if you asked?

I rarely ask my family to bring me to the airport. I usually take early flights, so I have to leave the house by 3am, and I wouldn't want to inconvenience my DH if I didn't have to. Parking is cheap enough. Airports are 1-1.5 hours from our house. Most of the time I drive myself or take a limo. (not like a wedding limo, but like the van/bus that picks you up).

My DH always assumes he will be bringing me to and picking me up from the airport, even though he never has. It's not that he didn't drive her, it's that he didn't WANT to drive her. That was his only excuse.

 

[elrohwen]

I might be alone here, but I never drive DH to the airport and he never drives me. Maybe it's because we're 90min from the airports so it's a pain, but I don't think that anyone in a relationship *has* to drive the other person. Now if you're very close to the airport and it wouldn't have taken him much time, I guess that's a different story.

I think there's more to your mom's comments than just the airport thing. If that was all it was, then I think she's being very dramatic. However, if it's a pattern of behavior, which it sort of sounds like it is, then I think you should consider what she's saying and whether or not it's true.

But would you drive him if he asked? Would he drive you if you asked?

I rarely ask my family to bring me to the airport. I usually take early flights, so I have to leave the house by 3am, and I wouldn't want to inconvenience my DH if I didn't have to. Parking is cheap enough. Airports are 1-1.5 hours from our house. Most of the time I drive myself or take a limo. (not like a wedding limo, but like the van/bus that picks you up).

My DH always assumes he will be bringing me to and picking me up from the airport, even though he never has. It's not that he didn't drive her, it's that he didn't WANT to drive her. That was his only excuse.

I guess my point is just that it's about more than the airport - if it was only the airport, that wouldn't be a big deal. DH won't drive me to the airport so I don't ask - he hates driving near NYC and I don't want to force him when I can drive myself. I've made the drive a million times when I traveled for work so I just do it now. He takes care of me in a million other ways so I respect that he won't drive to the airport. If it was a case where slg's FI only didn't want to drive her to the airport, I don't think it would be a big deal, but based on the things she's said there's clearly something else going on and this is a pattern of behavior.

With regard to just the isolated airport incident, I think slg should've taken a taxi if she thought public transportation wouldn't get her there in time - I don't blame the FI at all that she didn't plan accordingly. But again, I don't get the impression this is an isolated incident.

 

[Prana]

Gotcha, Elrohwen. I think we all agree that something is amiss here.

 

[elrohwen]

Gotcha, Elrohwen. I think we all agree that something is amiss here.

Yep, definitely! Like Haven, I was kind of miffed that there was so much reaction to his not driving her to the airport, but I completely agree something is off.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It's interesting...we were talking and he definitely said that he feels like he does fewer little things for me now. I asked him why that is, and he said he's not sure. I told him that even if he thinks it's silly, doing little things would go a long way towards making me happy. He also said that he agrees that I put him first and he does not put me first...but he would rather that I not put him first? That's what I mean by 'going against his personality'...I am not sure if he is the type of person to put other people's needs first."

Like iLander, this was really what gave me pause.

I don't think you shouldn't marry this guy, it's absolutely not my place to say anything on that. And while him not driving you to the airport does come off as selfish, I guess it's just one of those things...

But I think that if this is who he is, then you need to find a way to be okay with that forever and ever. Can you do that?

 

[chemgirl]

Gotcha, Elrohwen. I think we all agree that something is amiss here.

Yep, definitely! Like Haven, I was kind of miffed that there was so much reaction to his not driving her to the airport, but I completely agree something is off.

I think people are reacting more to the fact that she needed help, she asked for help, he could have helped her without a lot of inconvenient, but he told her he didn't feel like doing it. Really not ok!

I also think the fact that it was a ride to an airport requires context. Maybe they share one car so she can't drive herself and leave him without a car all week. Maybe the cost of a cab from her house to the airport is prohibitive. Also, going to the airport is a much bigger deal to people who don't go very often. If its routine, then the expectations change.

 

[House Cat]

Ok, two more thoughts based on your follow-up posts. First, I do strongly feel that people treat us as we teach them to do so. What was your reaction when your FI said he didn't want to take you to the airport? Did you just say ok, or did you express your displeasure with that answer? Because I'm trying to think of what I would do if my FI said he didn't want to take me to the airport, and I think I would laugh, say, "Well, yeah, duh!! But I need to be there by 8, so we will need to leave the house by 7:30" and then smile, kiss him on the cheek, and say thanks.

Second, some people need more explicit instruction on how to best treat their partners. For instance, I know that I have high expectations for by birthday plans in order to feel best loved, so I spell out for my BF what I would like: dinner, flowers, and suggestions on the present. Some people feel that if they have to spell out what they want, it doesn't mean as much, but I feel that I would rather ask and get what I want, than hope that he reads my mind correctly. It sounds like your FI needs instructions on how to best treat you. How do you feel about providing this for him?

yes, I provide instructions. however not EVERYTHING should require instructions! (example: I am upset and crying, I shouldn't have to TELL HIM to hug me. but I do.) I don't remember what my reaction was, I think I just said "ok well I'll take the public transportation then."

I feel the need to respond to this. If your FI wasn't treated with the kind of compassion that you want and need in his upbringing, then he truly won't know that he "should" hug you when you're crying. This probably wasn't a normal response in his family. If it wasn't, then why would he automatically think this is what he "should" do now?

Families come in all kinds. Some are VERY cold in the emotional sense.

The opposite might be true too. He could come from a super dramatic family, and a lot of emotion just causes him to shut down.


Anyway, my whole point is that I don't think he's shutting down on purpose. You two are engaged for a reason. It is the sum of our experiences that make us who we are and we're all wounded in some way. He's not perfect and neither are you.

You've identified a pretty big problem in this relationship. He's withholding and you have needs that aren't being met. That isn't a problem that won't change on it's own. The question is, what to do with it now? This is for the two of you to answer.

 

[princesss]

It's interesting...we were talking and he definitely said that he feels like he does fewer little things for me now. I asked him why that is, and he said he's not sure. I told him that even if he thinks it's silly, doing little things would go a long way towards making me happy. He also said that he agrees that I put him first and he does not put me first...but he would rather that I not put him first? That's what I mean by 'going against his personality'...I am not sure if he is the type of person to put other people's needs first."

Like iLander, this was really what gave me pause.

I don't think you shouldn't marry this guy, it's absolutely not my place to say anything on that. And while him not driving you to the airport does come off as selfish, I guess it's just one of those things...

But I think that if this is who he is, then you need to find a way to be okay with that forever and ever. Can you do that?

That bothered me, too. I'm of the opinion that in a serious relationship, you put the other person first, and it's the combination of both of you putting each other first that ensures everybody's needs are met.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Fast forward several years. You're in labor.

You: "Honey, it's time. "
Him: "Time for what?" as he munches a sandwich while watching a football game
You: "I'm in labor...let's go!"
Him: "Go? I'm not going anywhere...the game is on."
You: "You have to drive us to the hospital!"
Him: "I told you I'm not going anywhere, the game is on. I'm not the one in labor."

My husband is a VP of Technology for a company. His boss is a complete anal sphincter, who gives him a ridiculously hard time leaving at normal working hours. He's always working late, and getting vacation time is like pulling teeth. BUT, if I call him up and say "I need you to come home right now, there's a problem with ________." he leaves the office right then and there. If I have to fly for work, it's never even a question that he will be driving me to the airport and taking care of the kids while I'm gone.

This is what married people do...they take care of each other.

Can you honestly say that your man is ready for marriage? Do you really want to marry someone who can't even manage to take time away from his busy schedule on a Sunday to get you to the airport? I'm curious...did he pick you up from the airport when you flew in? Or did he wait until the day after you arrived to see you?

Wake up and think carefully. It's better to break an engagement than to go through with the wedding and have to go through a divorce.

 

[rosetta]

I can't add anymore than everyone has already said. I wouldn't be comfortable marrying anyone who didn't put me first. I think you deserve someone who does do that, because it seems to be what you want, what makes you happy.

Just want to send you big hugs and dust from a fellow BIW

Ps: don't listen to your mom, listen to your gut!

 

[slg47]

Fast forward several years. You're in labor.

You: "Honey, it's time. "
Him: "Time for what?" as he munches a sandwich while watching a football game
You: "I'm in labor...let's go!"
Him: "Go? I'm not going anywhere...the game is on."
You: "You have to drive us to the hospital!"
Him: "I told you I'm not going anywhere, the game is on. I'm not the one in labor."

My husband is a VP of Technology for a company. His boss is a complete anal sphincter, who gives him a ridiculously hard time leaving at normal working hours. He's always working late, and getting vacation time is like pulling teeth. BUT, if I call him up and say "I need you to come home right now, there's a problem with ________." he leaves the office right then and there. If I have to fly for work, it's never even a question that he will be driving me to the airport and taking care of the kids while I'm gone.

This is what married people do...they take care of each other.

Can you honestly say that your man is ready for marriage? Do you really want to marry someone who can't even manage to take time away from his busy schedule on a Sunday to get you to the airport? I'm curious...did he pick you up from the airport when you flew in? Or did he wait until the day after you arrived to see you?

Wake up and think carefully. It's better to break an engagement than to go through with the wedding and have to go through a divorce.

I have no doubt that FI would drive me to the hospital. I have told him the story of my poor mom in the hospital GOING INTO LABOR AND ASKING MY DAD TO CALL THE NURSE (and he didn't...because he didn't believe her? he didn't want to?) several times. He did pick me up for the airport (with flowers) and had to wait like 45 minutes because I was trying to make flight arrangements. (secretly I didn't feel that bad that he had to wait).

Prana

And then he asked his parents opinions on the matter? Two engaged adults who are asking their parents who amongst you is right or wrong should not be getting married. That behavior is just childish, and reaffirms that he is not ready to get married. IMHO, when you are engaged to someone, that person takes the place as "most important"- it's no longer mommy and daddy who fill those shoes. Why does he need confirmation that he was right? And why did he think it was appropriate to bring you and your relationship into any sort of negative light in front of his parents? That is not OK!

What is his parents relationship like? Is his mom the 'little woman'? Is she expected to hold down the fort while the father goes about his merry life? Or are they two totally self serving individuals, who raised their kids to be the same way?

He didn't ask his parents who was right or wrong...they talk on the phone and probably asked "did SLG47 make it to the airport? and then he told them. We don't involve our parents in our disagreements, but we both have good relationships with our parents.

His mom and dad seem to be totally self serving individuals from what I can tell. They both definitely put their kids first (well and now the new grandchild )

princesss

That bothered me, too. I'm of the opinion that in a serious relationship, you put the other person first, and it's the combination of both of you putting each other first that ensures everybody's needs are met.

that's my...understanding of it as well. I asked him straight out why he doesn't want me to do as much stuff for him and he basically said because he doesn't do that much for me, so he feels bad. He says it's just 'fallen out of his routine' but that he wants to prioritize it because he does really feel good when he does nice stuff for me. He also says he definitely thinks I'm higher maintenance than his previous girlfriends but he thinks our relationship is warmer as a result of that. He also said he appreciates me telling him what is wrong and giving him a chance to fix it because in all of his other relationships the girl just left him for no apparent reason.

Anyway, I am disturbed by the fact that I have gotten to be less of a priority as we have been together longer...but I will give him a chance to make it right.

 

[mayerling]

His mom and dad seem to be totally self serving individuals from what I can tell. They both definitely put their kids first (well and now the new grandchild )

How can they be totally self-serving and put their kids first at the same time?

 

[Lula]

Fast forward several years. You're in labor.

You: "Honey, it's time. "
Him: "Time for what?" as he munches a sandwich while watching a football game
You: "I'm in labor...let's go!"
Him: "Go? I'm not going anywhere...the game is on."
You: "You have to drive us to the hospital!"
Him: "I told you I'm not going anywhere, the game is on. I'm not the one in labor."

My husband is a VP of Technology for a company. His boss is a complete anal sphincter, who gives him a ridiculously hard time leaving at normal working hours. He's always working late, and getting vacation time is like pulling teeth. BUT, if I call him up and say "I need you to come home right now, there's a problem with ________." he leaves the office right then and there. If I have to fly for work, it's never even a question that he will be driving me to the airport and taking care of the kids while I'm gone.

This is what married people do...they take care of each other.

Can you honestly say that your man is ready for marriage? Do you really want to marry someone who can't even manage to take time away from his busy schedule on a Sunday to get you to the airport? I'm curious...did he pick you up from the airport when you flew in? Or did he wait until the day after you arrived to see you?

Wake up and think carefully. It's better to break an engagement than to go through with the wedding and have to go through a divorce.

I have no doubt that FI would drive me to the hospital. I have told him the story of my poor mom in the hospital GOING INTO LABOR AND ASKING MY DAD TO CALL THE NURSE (and he didn't...because he didn't believe her? he didn't want to?) several times. He did pick me up for the airport (with flowers) and had to wait like 45 minutes because I was trying to make flight arrangements. (secretly I didn't feel that bad that he had to wait).

Prana

And then he asked his parents opinions on the matter? Two engaged adults who are asking their parents who amongst you is right or wrong should not be getting married. That behavior is just childish, and reaffirms that he is not ready to get married. IMHO, when you are engaged to someone, that person takes the place as "most important"- it's no longer mommy and daddy who fill those shoes. Why does he need confirmation that he was right? And why did he think it was appropriate to bring you and your relationship into any sort of negative light in front of his parents? That is not OK!

What is his parents relationship like? Is his mom the 'little woman'? Is she expected to hold down the fort while the father goes about his merry life? Or are they two totally self serving individuals, who raised their kids to be the same way?

He didn't ask his parents who was right or wrong...they talk on the phone and probably asked "did SLG47 make it to the airport? and then he told them. We don't involve our parents in our disagreements, but we both have good relationships with our parents.

His mom and dad seem to be totally self serving individuals from what I can tell. They both definitely put their kids first (well and now the new grandchild )

princesss

That bothered me, too. I'm of the opinion that in a serious relationship, you put the other person first, and it's the combination of both of you putting each other first that ensures everybody's needs are met.

that's my...understanding of it as well. I asked him straight out why he doesn't want me to do as much stuff for him and he basically said because he doesn't do that much for me, so he feels bad. He says it's just 'fallen out of his routine' but that he wants to prioritize it because he does really feel good when he does nice stuff for me. He also says he definitely thinks I'm higher maintenance than his previous girlfriends but he thinks our relationship is warmer as a result of that. He also said he appreciates me telling him what is wrong and giving him a chance to fix it because in all of his other relationships the girl just left him for no apparent reason.

Anyway, I am disturbed by the fact that I have gotten to be less of a priority as we have been together longer...but I will give him a chance to make it right.

Hmm, "left him for no apparent reason"....this would be what I call a "red flag" that needs some additional explaining on his part. He's either really bad at picking women or he didn't hear (or care to hear) their views on why the relationship didn't work.

Honestly, slg, I think he just needs to grow up a bit and figure out if he's willing to put 110% into a committed relationship. Some people just aren't willing or capable (avoid this kind like the plague) to do the work it takes to be in a committed, long-term relationship, and some people just need some time to mature and figure out how to meet the other person's expectations, improve communication skills, etc (but they're willing and capable, just need more "skills"). Only you can make the decision about which type he is, since we don't know him and are just guessing.

 

[Prana]

I hope that we are all so concerned for you based off the fact that you merely overexaggerated things in some of your original posts in this topic. I don't think that the REAL issue at hand should be taken lightly between the two of you.

The gist that I got (seemingly the same one that everyone else got too), was that he was not attentive to your VERY BASIC NEEDS-things that you NEED to make you feel loved, appreciated, worthy, significant, appreciated, etc.

To me, there is a big issue here, one that could be a deal breaker down the road. It doesn't seem like something that should just become OK because he picked you up and brought you flowers.

I'm not trying to bash you, or make you mad, or deminish your relationship, please don't take what I'm saying negatively. I just hope that this issue is not already resolved between the two of you, because it seemed to be a pretty deep seeded issue. I also don't know you or your relationship, so I have nothing to go off of except for the info you've divulged. I'm sure that things between you are probably more than fine, and happy and that there are some great times. But, this is a pretty big issue, and I hope that you address it together.

Have you ever thought of couples counselling? Or even individual counselling? It really is a wonderful thing. I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with either of you, but sometimes counselling helps you work out your issues and see things in a new light, and take new approaches to life. Just my 0.02.

Again, I'm hoping only for the very best for you and your future with FI

 

[slg47]

I hope that we are all so concerned for you based off the fact that you merely overexaggerated things in some of your original posts in this topic. I don't think that the REAL issue at hand should be taken lightly between the two of you.

The gist that I got (seemingly the same one that everyone else got too), was that he was not attentive to your VERY BASIC NEEDS-things that you NEED to make you feel loved, appreciated, worthy, significant, appreciated, etc.

To me, there is a big issue here, one that could be a deal breaker down the road. It doesn't seem like something that should just become OK because he picked you up and brought you flowers.

I'm not trying to bash you, or make you mad, or deminish your relationship, please don't take what I'm saying negatively. I just hope that this issue is not already resolved between the two of you, because it seemed to be a pretty deep seeded issue. I also don't know you or your relationship, so I have nothing to go off of except for the info you've divulged. I'm sure that things between you are probably more than fine, and happy and that there are some great times. But, this is a pretty big issue, and I hope that you address it together.

Have you ever thought of couples counselling? Or even individual counselling? It really is a wonderful thing. I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with either of you, but sometimes counselling helps you work out your issues and see things in a new light, and take new approaches to life. Just my 0.02.

Again, I'm hoping only for the very best for you and your future with FI

no, this is definitely not 'going away' because he came to the airport with flowers. that was a nice gesture, but doesn't address the underlying issue.

yeah after this whole brouhaha I have begun thinking seriously about couples counseling. I will ask FI if he is interested. I will also check out that book that iLander suggested.

he is now not talking to me because he saw that this is 5 pages and he is upset with me 'egging 100s of people on' and doing nothing when they are 'bashing' him.

ETA I think this is just another example of him being selfish! he knows I am upset, he said he is not sure that he can put me first and I said well...if you cannot then I'm not sure I can be with you! If that doesn't light a fire under his a$$...I don't know what will! in the past I think I would have apologized, saying it's all my fault, etc...but I have a right to sound out things on PS. I'm incredibly hurt that he is not talking to me/trying to make things better right now. ugh.

 

[Haven]

I'm so sorry that I've been calling you "Sig" this entire time. I just realized that it's "slg"!

I hope that you two can work it out. I'll be thinking about you, Slg.

 

[mayerling]

Slg47, why did you tell him about the post? It's probably going to make things worse.

 

[slg47]

I'm so sorry that I've been calling you "Sig" this entire time. I just realized that it's "slg"!

I hope that you two can work it out. I'll be thinking about you, Slg.

it's ok Haven, everyone does that. thanks for your thoughts (everyone else too!)