mom doesnt want me to marry FI...

[diamondseeker2006]

We're still here! Glad things are a little better today! Come back anytime you need a place to vent. Just don't show him our advice next time!

 

[zoebartlett]

I'm glad that your FI's willing to work a little harder to see things from your point of view. That's a positive step!

 

[luv2sparkle]

SLG, I am so glad you are feeling better about things! Kudos to your guy to be willing to change. Honestly, I think that is the key
to a lasting marriage. Early in our marriage DH and I decided if one of us did something that really bugged the other, we would
do our best to change. That has really worked for us, and 31 years later we are still crazy in love with each other. It's always been
little things, but boy do those add up. If your guy is willing to change, that is half the battle.

I look forward to hearing your good news, and hope for the very best for you!

 

[lulu66]

slg, i'm so happy to hear you're update! you did something that's really remarkable, you stood up for yourself & your needs and it's seems like now he's listening. good luck w/counseling and strengthening your relationship as you prepare for marriage.

 

[Gypsy]

I've been following this slg. I just wanted to post and tell you that. I am torn on what to say.

I do know of an excellent licensed (both couples and individual) therapist in the east bay.

I think Monarch really stated what I am thinking best. I think you are great, and it doesn't sound like you appreciate just how great you are and like you are selling yourself short.

I am not "good at relationships." We've been together for almost 12 years (or something) and in all that time if someone was going to say "looks like we might have to end this if we can't work this out" it has probably been me each time. So I am trying to keep an open mind about his reactions.

I do think you can definitely set expectations. I make a joke with my friends about the 'art of husband training'... but when you are in a relationship you DO need to set boundaries and expectations (both ways). And each of you has to do that. And it needs to be FAIR. Your (both of your) definition of fair. Doesn't sound like all the boundaries and expectations are fair for you as they are now. And maybe you need to think about what you think is fair, discuss it further with him... and ENFORCE it with gentle reminders once you reach agreement. I think you've made a good first step to this with your recent discussions with your FI. But you need to understand... it's a process, changing someone's viewpoint so they can see yours, and it takes time and reinforcement. Otherwise you are just bluffing.

((HUGS)).

 

[slg47]

thanks gypsy. hopefully in counseling we can work on setting reasonable expectations. i will e-mail you and ask for the name of the therapist (we are going to contact one that we found on yelp that gets good ratings, but it never hurts to have a recommendation if this one doesn't work out).

 

[Gypsy]

I was going to post on the 'does counseling help' thread. But really it's more relevant here at the moment. So I'll post it in both places.

I think that both parties need to understand that relationships are WORK. ALL OF THEM. And that that therapy is a tool that exposes where you are NOT working, and you have to be really honest to admit to that stuff. AND it is to show you how to interact healthier. So... really, you gotta understand therapy is more WORK. And it can be very uncomfortable and... in the short term it WILL expose conflict and in the long term it will help you resolve it, at least that's the goal. So it's a process you have to commit to. Using it as a validation tool so you have 'backup'... not a good idea. A good therapist will tell you that you need confidence in yourself and will validate some of what you are saying, but will also validate some of what he is saying. Like I said, in the short term you might see MORE conflict (sometimes limited to when you are in session) but hopefully, controlled conflict that helps you in the long term.

Conflict isn't good or bad. Sometimes it can be good. But you should have a very clear level setting discussion with your therapist with your FI, so that you both understand the process. And BOTH commit to me. Without commitment, it's a waste of time and money.

 

[monarch64]

You know, I just have to interject here. Threads like this are tough, but wow, how I wish the internet had been around before I married my first husband. I did EVERYTHING wrong, and for all the wrong reasons. MY mom knew the score, but she let me fall flat on my face. She picked me UP of course, but she knew she couldn't save me, and so let me fall. Tough woman, in the best, non-meddling sense of the word. But maybe if a bunch of total strangers told me I was not thinking straight, I might have done things differently. Moms can tell us the reality all day long and we'll dismiss it BECAUSE it's MOM, but strangers can tell you the same thing and wow, how insightful. (All the moms here are probably shaking their heads in agreement, right?)

Slg, I know this is tough, but I think you're taking some really positive steps, steps I never took and wish I had - BEFORE I got married the first time. In my case, I think it would have saved me much heartache. I did finally get to where I needed to be, but it sure took a lot longer than it could have, had I a circle of truly disinterested people giving me their views. I didn't have any people unconnected to the situation to talk to, and it would have helped immensely if I had.

There are never any guarantees in life, certainly, but no matter how this situation pans out, you'll know you handled it about as well and as directly as a person could. Best of luck to you and your FI.

Wow--Ksinger, my mother treated my first marriage EXACTLY the same as you described. She definitely knew and gently tried to tell me a few times (without being meddlesome) that maybe I needed to take a step back and look at my relationship with my ex-husband and that was as far as she went, knowing I wouldn't listen and would figure it out for myself. She was SO there when things fell apart and I finally left. I have read so many threads on PS and found myself wishing that the internet had been what it is today for us way back when (hmmph, 5-7 years ago? for me) while I was going through my own issues. My parents both tried very hard to give my ex the benefit of the doubt, but they both knew that things weren't going to work out. (SLG, not to say that your situation is hopeless!) Parents' opinions just don't seem to matter when as the child you're out there trying to live your life and learning from your mistakes.

I'm going to read the rest of this thread...and maybe post again.

 

[iLander]

You know, I just have to interject here. Threads like this are tough, but wow, how I wish the internet had been around before I married my first husband. I did EVERYTHING wrong, and for all the wrong reasons. MY mom knew the score, but she let me fall flat on my face. She picked me UP of course, but she knew she couldn't save me, and so let me fall. Tough woman, in the best, non-meddling sense of the word. But maybe if a bunch of total strangers told me I was not thinking straight, I might have done things differently. Moms can tell us the reality all day long and we'll dismiss it BECAUSE it's MOM, but strangers can tell you the same thing and wow, how insightful. (All the moms here are probably shaking their heads in agreement, right?)

Slg, I know this is tough, but I think you're taking some really positive steps, steps I never took and wish I had - BEFORE I got married the first time. In my case, I think it would have saved me much heartache. I did finally get to where I needed to be, but it sure took a lot longer than it could have, had I a circle of truly disinterested people giving me their views. I didn't have any people unconnected to the situation to talk to, and it would have helped immensely if I had.

There are never any guarantees in life, certainly, but no matter how this situation pans out, you'll know you handled it about as well and as directly as a person could. Best of luck to you and your FI.

Wow--Ksinger, my mother treated my first marriage EXACTLY the same as you described. She definitely knew and gently tried to tell me a few times (without being meddlesome) that maybe I needed to take a step back and look at my relationship with my ex-husband and that was as far as she went, knowing I wouldn't listen and would figure it out for myself. She was SO there when things fell apart and I finally left. I have read so many threads on PS and found myself wishing that the internet had been what it is today for us way back when (hmmph, 5-7 years ago? for me) while I was going through my own issues. My parents both tried very hard to give my ex the benefit of the doubt, but they both knew that things weren't going to work out. (SLG, not to say that your situation is hopeless!) Parents' opinions just don't seem to matter when as the child you're out there trying to live your life and learning from your mistakes.

I'm going to read the rest of this thread...and maybe post again.

I'm going through this with my son; we all think his new wife is very rude to him and slightly cruel. She's cut him off from us and all his friends and talked him into dropping his dream career for one that she prefers. We've said what we could, as gently as possible, but he doesn't listen.

We'll be here if he ever realizes that her "jokes" aren't that funny. I'm not holding my breath, though.

Besides, for all I know, she's wonderful to him when other people aren't around. At least I hope so . . .

 

[stone-cold11]

Good luck.

 

[slg47]

Good luck.

thanks SC nice to see you over here

 

[VapidLapid]

I am reminded of the movie the break up where jennifer aniston wants him to want to do the dishes and he just doesnt get it. Its not that he should want to do dishes in some abstract way but that he should want to do their dishes with her together or for her. He should want to do the dishes so that she doesnt have to.

Glad to hear he is interested in examining his life and your relationship in counseling. Sometimes people need a guided tour.

 

[mousey]

Slg, may I ask you how your FI behaved when you were last unwell? Did he look after you?

I knew I'd picked the right man for me when he nursed me when I had the swine flu. I recently got to return his kindness when he got pneumonia, though I had to do less as he was in hospital.

I am a firm believer that you really see a person's true colours when you fall ill and they have to look after you, above their own comforts.

Absolutely. Totally. Plus one!
Part of me is a little nonplussed at this. Maybe because I know bf could easily do the same. Now if I said 'com'on I really want you o drive me to the airport, I haven't got enough for a cab', he'd either give me the money or take me. But I really wouldn't expect him to do it if I mentioned it last minute. And if I wrote about it on a thread, and told him, he would also be really annoyed. And then I started thinking- is my bf an a hole????
Yes, I do more for him. I buy him little things when I am in town, I cook for him all the time (he can t cook to save his life), etc, and sometimes I feel a bit 'so what do you do for me....'. But he shows his love in very different ways. One example is that when I had a tonsillectomy, he literally became my nurse- did not leave my bedside. But there are many examples like this- examples where when it comes to it I know I can completely depend on him, trust him, and be loved by him.
What I am trying to say- is this a systematic failure, or is it a lack of communication? It might be that he shows his love for you in different ways?

 

[slg47]

***UPDATE***

FI picked me up from the airport on Saturday, with a card. The card basically said that the next 9 days are the "9 days of SLG47-mas" and that he will be giving me a small surprise each of the next 9 days. It was really clear that he was excited to do something for me
It feels really good to be together, I know we have some issues to work through, but seeing him again was great. He seems really committed to changing, and says that he feels really bad about it, but is glad that I was able to tell him what I need so we can work through it. Today he did some little things for me (dishes, grocery shopping, driving me to a meeting, laundry--and he even made a point to fold my jeans first so they wouldn't get wrinkled) and he said that he realizes this is what I have been doing for him all along. Our first counseling appointment is tomorrow, and I hope it goes well. I already feel like we are on the right track but realize of course this will not change overnight and will be a process.

Anyway just wanted to give y'all an update thanks again for your support!

 

[Dreamer_D]

slg I'm sorry you are going through this! I think you are making some good choices now but I also want to offer my old-married-lady-who-is-a-psychologist-too-tough-love.

When people talk about marriage being work, I believe it is true. But the healthy work that benefits relationships is things like working to be accepting, working to bite your tongue when you want to snap back at them, working on being less controlling etc etc etc. If the "work" in marriage means you are trying to overcome feeling unloved, or unappreciated, or you cry because of things your spouse says to you, if he/she makes you feel like crap... Well that is NOT the type of work that is involved in a healthy marriage.

I have always thought that the trick to a happy marriage is to find a partner who is very compatible with you so that your marriage takes little or no "work" in the latter sense I described... a marriage where you do not feel hurt all the time and where you feel loved and cherished is going to make all those other things you need to do to make a marriage happy -- like ignoring his bad habits, for example -- so much easier and they don't feel like work at all.

Now, to find that type of marriage means assessing three factors. What skills and vulnerabilities do I bring to the marriage? What skills and vulnerabilities does my partner bring? And what unique issues arise because the two of us are together?

Some people are better equipped for relationships than others. And some types of people are better fits with some other types of people. The goal is to reach *your personal* best level of contentment in your relationship by choosing a partner who is compatible with you and easily meets your needs. And vice versa of course. Not everyone will have a blissfully easy marriage, in part because of their own unique background and personality. Just like some people stuggle with depression or anxiety whereas others do not. BUT everyone can strive to find a partner who makes things as easy as possible, in large part because the partner's skills compensate for one's own flaws. The worst and most toxic combination is when one partner's flaws target one's own flaws. This is the case, for example, when partner A is insecure and needs a lot of love and reassurance, and partner B is a little clueless and is not very demonstrative in their love. That type of combination is a recipe for disaster. And frankly, that type of incompatibility is often evident before marriage, but people ignore it. If they did not ignore it they might realize that Person A would be much happier with a different type of partner, as would Person B. Their union is just not good for either of them.

And here is my tough love. The fact is that the engagement phase is typically *the happiest* time in a couples lives. And if there are major issues and troubles in that time period, the odds are very good those issues will get worse after marriage. Couples who have major issues in the engagement and newlywed phase -- like those caused by the types of fundamental incompatibilities I described above -- have very high rates of divorce. There are some couples who overcome those issues -- some on PS have, so far, overcome such issues in the early years of their marriages. So I am not saying that problems mean you should separate. What I am saying is that you should take your doubts very seriously. Look into yourself and think about your strengths and weaknesses as a romantic partner. Look at your partner and think about his strengths and weaknesses as a romantic partner. And think long and hard about whether your weaknesses line up with one another. If this is the case, and his weaknesses play into and exacerbate your own, give things some serious serious thought. You need to decide whether you can accept him and the state of your relationships *as he is now* and *as things stand now* without requiring change, because when it comes to the types of issues you describe -- which sound a lot like fundamental differences in expression of affection, need for closeness, or ideas about interdependence -- real fundamental change is unlikely. When you plan to marry, you need to accept the person as they are now, not as you want them to be.

I wish you all the best. I hope the counselling brings you both clarity.

 

[slg47]

UPDATE
________

Well, counseling wasn't really that good. We went to a highly recommended (on yelp) counselor but we didn't really click with her? She was really...awkward and hard to talk to. So much so that I am surprised she is a counselor/therapist. But, she definitely got us talking to each other more, which is good, even though we only went to 2 sessions. Anyway, I have noticed a huge change in FI's attitude/actions so I think we are on the right track. Thanks again for your support

 

[stone-cold11]

Good luck.

 

[tyty333]

***UPDATE***

Today he did some little things for me (dishes, grocery shopping, driving me to a meeting, laundry--and he even made a point to fold my jeans first so they wouldn't get wrinkled) and he said that he realizes this is what I have been doing for him all along. Anyway just wanted to give y'all an update thanks again for your support!

These are not little things to me (as long as he keeps wanting to do his share). Him helping to take care of the two of you
is a big thing to me. Way to go!

 

[decodelighted]

UPDATE
_______
Well, counseling wasn't really that good. We went to a highly recommended (on yelp) counselor but we didn't really click with her? She was really...awkward and hard to talk to. So much so that I am surprised she is a counselor/therapist. But, she definitely got us talking to each other more, which is good, even though we only went to 2 sessions. Anyway, I have noticed a huge change in FI's attitude/actions so I think we are on the right track. Thanks again for your support

I think that is sometimes a technique to get you to fill in the blank space ... so you'll blurt out *truths* that wouldn't come out in a more flowing convo. At least that's my take on some kinds of *awkward* moments in therapy.

Glad you're talking to each OTHER more.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

UPDATE
_______
Well, counseling wasn't really that good. We went to a highly recommended (on yelp) counselor but we didn't really click with her? She was really...awkward and hard to talk to. So much so that I am surprised she is a counselor/therapist. But, she definitely got us talking to each other more, which is good, even though we only went to 2 sessions. Anyway, I have noticed a huge change in FI's attitude/actions so I think we are on the right track. Thanks again for your support

I think that is sometimes a technique to get you to fill in the blank space ... so you'll blurt out *truths* that wouldn't come out in a more flowing convo. At least that's my take on some kinds of *awkward* moments in therapy.

Glad you're talking to each OTHER more.

If the therapist knows what he/she is doing there shouldn't really be any awkward moments. Silence is a great tool but it should NOT be used when the therapist doesn't know how to reflect to the client. It should be used to get the client to dig a little deeper and in my experience feels very comfortable (as long as the therapist is comfortable). She may not be the right therapist for you and that's okay. There are so many different theories on how people change. Some believe in changing behaviors, some cognitive, and some believe in examining emotions. Also, some therapist value the past, some concentrate on the here and now. Point is, you have to shop around if you aren't sure what theory fits you.

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="Tacori E-ring|1303395634|2901831Point is, you have to shop around if you aren't sure what theory fits you.[/quote]

this. not all are created equal.

glad to hear that communications have improved.

MoZo

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I realize that the thread has moved way beyond this, but may I ask why you are uncomfortable taking the taxi? I realize that different places have different situations, so I'm just curious about your reasoning. I don't get why you didn't take the taxi if it was a legitimate option and think it was kind of inconsiderate for you to expect a ride so early in the a.m. if a taxi ride was easy to arrange. I mean, there are sometimes where I would pay money to not have to get out of bed. That being said, one should always feel "put first" in a relationship. If this is his attitude about everything, there's a problem, but I don't get the big deal from this one incident and unless it's the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, maybe you are making it out to be a bigger deal than it is.

I'd also like to add that my husband has gotten more considerate since we've been married... so it is possible (though it shouldn't be counted on, of course)!

 

[Amys Bling]

My FI and I live in the NYC metro area and bedtime what he is doing to do things for me.... Even drive me to and from somewhere related to work that is over an hour away because it is in a bad area and I'm uncomfortable going alone. Mind you that this is during a work day and he will find a spot to park and work out of his car until I'm ready to leave. This issue is a personality issue not a cultural or regional issue....


Think about what you want from this marriage and what you need to be happy....

 

[Amys Bling]

My FI and I live in the NYC metro area and bedtime what he is doing to do things for me.... Even drive me to and from somewhere related to work that is over an hour away because it is in a bad area and I'm uncomfortable going alone. Mind you that this is during a work day and he will find a spot to park and work out of his car until I'm ready to leave. This issue is a personality issue not a cultural or regional issue....


Think about what you want from this marriage and what you need to be happy....

darn autocorrect on the iphone- not bedtime "he drops"...

jeez. sorry for the weird typo. anyways, I am glad to see that he is willing to work on this with you.

 

[slg47]

My FI and I live in the NYC metro area and bedtime what he is doing to do things for me.... Even drive me to and from somewhere related to work that is over an hour away because it is in a bad area and I'm uncomfortable going alone. Mind you that this is during a work day and he will find a spot to park and work out of his car until I'm ready to leave. This issue is a personality issue not a cultural or regional issue....


Think about what you want from this marriage and what you need to be happy....

darn autocorrect on the iphone- not bedtime "he drops"...

jeez. sorry for the weird typo. anyways, I am glad to see that he is willing to work on this with you.

autocorrect is the worst!

 

[Amys Bling]

dear everyone-thank you for all of your responses. I had a talk with FI and he still doesn't think it's his job to do things like take me to the airport. My mother strongly disagrees and wants me to be with someone who 'takes care of me.' It just irks me that FI's main argument is "that's not how we usually do things!" (we usually take the public transportation, but we USUALLY fly at times where the public transportation gets us to the airport on time). Interestingly FI talked to his parents about this and they see nothing wrong with it. I really do think it might be a cultural thing, in his family/culture/whatever people just don't go out of their way for loved ones. The problem is, to me, it's not going out of my way...it's just what I want to do because doing things for my FI makes ME happy. It's not a sacrifice for me to go to a different store to get him the cereal he likes, because I know it makes him happy. I just know he would never go out of his way to get my cereal, and I'm not sure if that's OK or not. I guess it works for some couples and not for others.

THis remark bothers me... his "job". it's not supposed to be a chore or a bothersome job to do something for each other when we need it. "Cultural" as in his family's culture.. maybe. some families are different. Maybe in his family they are more of an "on your own", not as outwardly lovey- going out of the way for each other people. That is fine. My grandmother was a more standoff-ish, sometimes selfish person. Her parents were the same way... it was almost "bred" into that side of my family. My mom stopped that trend because it bothered her growing up- she was way more affectionate and went out of the way with me and my sister than her paretns were EVER with her. The big question is: what are your needs and expectations? Are yours and his the same? and can the two of you find common ground that make you both happy?