mom doesnt want me to marry FI...

[chemgirl]

he means the relationship. i also hope he will agree to go to counseling. it irks me that I am the one who had to suggest it but that's something we can talk about when we get to counseling.

Aww Slg, I was hoping you were back with a good update. I do have to say though that if he's willing to throw in the towel about something like this, it speaks to other things other than the current issue at hand. As a married couple there are a LOT of bigger things to work out than a fight about a ride to the airport, and not being willing to sit down with you and discuss this isn't a good sign.

I hate to say this but it sounds like he's trying to find a way out without having to be the one to tell you it isn't working.

I hope I am wrong, but that's what seems to be occurring based on what you have written.

yeah, I hope you are wrong too! FI seems to think that in a good relationship there will be no fights. I think this is absurd and think we need to work on HOW we fight and work through things. He really hates conflict and thinks that because we disagree, we are not right for one another.

Um...I think I have a fairly good relationship, but we definitely have disagreements. We make a point of never saying anything to belittle the other person and always talk it out. You're right, disagreements are normal. I don't agree with everything I say and do, so how can I agree with everything he does? The key is how you deal with it.

 

[kal2021]

This post has been very upsetting to read. I am sorry you are going through this, slg. It is the worst feeling! Having said that, I am going to be blunt and brutally honest with you because I think it's only fair:

1. Stop making excuses for his behavior. What he did was wrong, and you know it. It doesn't really matter if he admits it or concedes to the fact that he was wrong. What matters is how it made you feel, and clearly it made you feel like crap because you brought it here for advice. I've realized over the years (having been in good and not so good relationships) that it doesn't matter whether or not he sees it your way (it's still hard for me to remember this at times), what matters is that it hurt you. You have had tons of people on here tell you their SO's would have never done this (add me to the list), and tons of people tell you they would be hurt, too, so clearly you are not overreacting to the situation. He was wrong, you know it, we know it, it hurt you, and that's all that matters.

2. You are NOT a diva or princess for asking your FI to do something nice for you that would make your life easier. I cannot believe he let you walk out that door to catch the BART when he thought you wouldn't make it on time! And then he acted like it was not a big deal that you had to sit around the airport. Very selfish and insensitive. And telling you, "well if you would have asked me a second time I would have taken you" - that's just rude. Clearly he could have taken you, he just didn't want to, and now he is making you feel worse by saying it was your fault for not asking twice. Ouch.

3. Maybe it does have something to do with how he was raised, but who the hell cares?! That could have maybe been an excuse when you first started dating, but your ENGAGED! You should have trained him a long time ago and broken him out of this kind of behavior. I think most people need some type of training when they enter into a new relationship because everybody has different expectations of their SO. He needs to know what you need in order to make you happy, and if he can't give it to you then he is not the right person for you!

4. I must say his reaction to you saying you don't know if you can be with him, and him saying he is not sure you guys can work through this, is pretty discouraging. If that's all it takes to send him packing be careful. I will say it could have been an immature knee jerk reaction to him feeling like you were threatening him with leaving - sounds like he doesn't like when you take control and he was trying to regain some. Regardless, I'm sure that is not what you wanted to hear. If he is not interested in counseling, that is a problem. If he really loves you and can't live without you, he should do whatever it takes to make it work with you.

5. There are a TON of men out there that would dote on you, hang on your every word, and do anything in there power to make you their #1 priority. Oh, that reminds me - his comment of not wanting you to make him your number one priority - I think that is the biggest red flag here. I was with a guy like that once, and the reason he didn't want me to make him my number one priority was because he had no intention of doing the same for me (that became very obvious and I got out). Why wouldn't someone want to be their SO's number one priority? Well, only reason I can think of is they know they can't reciprocate, so you doing that for him would make him feel guilty and bad that he wasn't doing the same.

IMHO, if things don't change dramatically, he is not the guy for you. I'm not saying he can't change, but he has to WANT to change on his own. Nothing you can do or say can change him - he has to want it and work HARD at it. And I'm not saying he's a bad guy, he is just not the right guy for you; sometimes we just have to accept that and realize we can love someone but it doesn't mean they are right for us.

In closing (sorry this went on way longer than intended but I got very worked up!), you NEED to speak up for yourself and show him that you are a woman who knows what she wants, and if he can't give you what you want you will find a man that can - bottom line, end of story. It's very simple - either he gives you what you want and need, or you will find someone who will. No hard feelings, you just weren't meant to be. Remember, you only have one shot at this whole "life" thing; you deserve to be HAPPY!!!

 

[slg47]

lulu

have you guys discussed long term goals, starting your family, dealing with the family you have, sharing chores, paying bills, sex, debt, divorce, religion, etc, etc?

yes, we have, and we are on the same page (so that is good!)

MoZo

what is up with being irritated that he didn't suggest counseling?! this is a guy that i'd never expect to do such a thing based on what you've posted about him.

i'm not irritated that he didn't suggest counseling but that I was the one who suggested fixing things, rather than him.

thanks for all the hugs and support, guys.

 

[JulieN]

I'm just one more person who does not like that your fiance is uncomfortable with you putting him first. I would only say something like that to a SO if I were thinking about breaking up, and if perhaps he were a little more independent and selfish, then he wouldn't be hurt too badly.

However, it really does seem like it is his personality type to me, and not that he doesn't love you. It's just that his way of showing love is not what you want. It might be fun for you two to take a Myers-Briggs personality test some time in the future. He sounds INTJ to me.

 

[slg47]

I'm just one more person who does not like that your fiance is uncomfortable with you putting him first. I would only say something like that to a SO if I were thinking about breaking up, and if perhaps he were a little more independent and selfish, then he wouldn't be hurt too badly.

However, it really does seem like it is his personality type to me, and not that he doesn't love you. It's just that his way of showing love is not what you want. It might be fun for you two to take a Myers-Briggs personality test some time in the future. He sounds INTJ to me.

I really do think it is his personality. He really is an idiot when it comes to relationships. Luckily he thinks therapy/counseling is a good idea and is optimistic about it. I am ESTJ, I think INTJ sounds right for him.

 

[monarch64]

I have read some of your posts, SLG, and thought a lot of you. I still do. That said, after reading through this thread I think you're maybe selling yourself short. You DO deserve someone who caters to you and dotes on you and wants to treat you well. Your current FI apparently isn't that type. Ask yourself if you deserve to be treated well? I think you'll say no. Now ask yourself why you're saying "no."

Being well doesn't mean you're a princess, or that you're asking too much. Just saying.

My fiance NEVER hesitates! to open doors, bring me anything I ask for, help me in any way! I do the same for him (i reach over and open his door in the car if it's still locked!) We just do for each other, period. He is so attentive and kind...he would NEVER have not driven me to the airport. I love my independence and have actually fought about it in the past, but being with my fiance has taught me that I can have BOTH my independence and chivalry. Period.

I get what's going on here, I think. And I still think you're awesome. But I think you can do better.

 

[LAJennifer]

I agree with Monarch - I think you can do better.

I am an INTJ, and while I'm not an overly emotional person, I always consider my DH's feelings before I open my mouth. I make a conscious effort to do "the little things".

In my early 20's, I dated someone similar to your guy. While he was (is) a great guy and we had a lot in common, certain things just got old after a while (5 years) and I left. I was so "done" that I moved 2600 miles away. We are still in contact and, well, he hasn't changed much. He is still fun, though.

 

[ksinger]

I'm just one more person who does not like that your fiance is uncomfortable with you putting him first. I would only say something like that to a SO if I were thinking about breaking up, and if perhaps he were a little more independent and selfish, then he wouldn't be hurt too badly.

However, it really does seem like it is his personality type to me, and not that he doesn't love you. It's just that his way of showing love is not what you want. It might be fun for you two to take a Myers-Briggs personality test some time in the future. He sounds INTJ to me.

LOL! You may have just hit on why my husband and I had to wait until 45 to marry. I'm a ENFJ and he's ISTP. Um....can you get any more opposite than that?? But then again, each provides what the other lacks, right?

I will reiterate that love is as love does. Feelings mean little, when they can't translate into action that the supposed loved one can interpret as love. Love may be hard to define, but I guarantee you that when you don't feel it via actions, it pretty effectively isn't there. And this take on love is not coming from my intimate relationships, but from my relationship with my father. He was always good for saying he loved me, yet over the course of a lifetime, his actions (which were few enough) rarely squared with his words. After awhile you have to go with what a person DOES rather than what they say. It's really not enough to only be able to say, "Well, he loves me in his way."

Love is not a feeling, and it isn't a verbal declaration, it's a verb. Talk is cheap - what does he DO?

ETA - The above is a wee hours ramble, holding forth on the nature of love. Indeed, I love MY poor husband so much, that since I can't sleep, I've vacated the bedroom so I don't disturb him. I've caught some crappy strep-like thing and feel like hammered poo and like someone has taken 80 grit to my throat. Good times.

 

[Imdanny]

If he were your friend or roommate then it wouldn't be any of his concern whether you got to the airport, but since you're a couple, he most certainly should be concerned with whether you get the airport (considering he had nothing else to do, it's not like he had to be at work, or be in two places at once, or had to do something more important). That's just selfish, immature, and lazy, IMO.

The last flight I had to take, it was about a month ago, my SO and I didn't have a car where I was landing, because it was being shipped. My SO rode public transportation to the airport, met me there, and got a taxi for us to get home to our new place. I told him that I would just take the bus, and I could have, but he insisted on doing this for me, and needless to say if either of us had to get to the airport, and one of us could drive, and the other didn't have transportation, there is no way that the person who could drive is going to say, 'I don't feel like it.'

Maybe he can change, maybe not, but I definitely think you deserve better than the behavior and attitude he exhibited over a simple thing like this.

 

[Ara Ann]

Everyone has made some really great points and I am sure you have a lot of food for thought...but I want to add a couple of things to the list. Take it or leave it, as usual!


You have said several times that FI does not do relationships well. Does this failure to relate extend to his friends and co-workers as well? For instance, if his best buddy needed a ride to wherever, would FI give him a ride? Or would his friends know better than to ask, knowing he'd not do it? See, I guess I would have a BIG issue if my DH was inconsiderate of me, but would be even worse in a way to know that he wouldn't help others too. If life is all about them, the it is all about them, ya know?

Also, he wants to call it quits with you, his perspective future LIFE LONG MATE, after reading all the replies...granted, reality bites....BUT, what if he got a bad work review? or failed an exam? Would he quit his job or drop out of school, because he didn't like what he heard, or would it motivate him to work harder? If he would quit his job, then yeah, that also speaks to 'character' - which is not the same as 'not doing relationships' very well...character is character, it is hard to change one's 'bent' even through extensive therapy...if he has a selfish 'bent' - he's not going to change.

And if he wouldn't quit his job and decided to work harder to change in the areas he needed to improve, then why are YOU less important than a job, if he's not willing to see your perspective and acknowledge your feelings and try to be more considerate? He'd rather dump you than to try to meet you at least half way. This says, very clearly, HE WANTS OUT more than HE WANTS YOU.


I think this airport thing was kind of a litmus test for you...maybe even in a passive aggressive way...you gave him an emotional 'test' to see if he would/could meet your expectations and he failed. He doesn't want to change, or see the need to change. So now you have to choose, can you live with repeated emotional failures for your married life, or you can start over and find someone more emotionally compatible with your true personality.

It sounds to me like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole (no innuendo intended, ahem)...and that can make life, especially married life, really miserable.


Also, about the 'age' factor...my teenage sons know how to treat a girlfriend...they are considerate, polite and go out of their way to please them, get to know what their likes, are, etc., I think the natural ability to 'do relationships' is there or it isn't....it can be cultivated, IF the person WANTS TO. If they don't, you are better off moving on and finding a better fit for you.


Good luck.

 

[slg47]

I have read some of your posts, SLG, and thought a lot of you. I still do. That said, after reading through this thread I think you're maybe selling yourself short. You DO deserve someone who caters to you and dotes on you and wants to treat you well. Your current FI apparently isn't that type. Ask yourself if you deserve to be treated well? I think you'll say no. Now ask yourself why you're saying "no."

Being well doesn't mean you're a princess, or that you're asking too much. Just saying.

My fiance NEVER hesitates! to open doors, bring me anything I ask for, help me in any way! I do the same for him (i reach over and open his door in the car if it's still locked!) We just do for each other, period. He is so attentive and kind...he would NEVER have not driven me to the airport. I love my independence and have actually fought about it in the past, but being with my fiance has taught me that I can have BOTH my independence and chivalry. Period.

I get what's going on here, I think. And I still think you're awesome. But I think you can do better.

thanks Monnie (and everyone else!)

I made it very clear to him that I am still upset and will not get over this immediately, and if he wants to be together then things need to change. Yesterday he was feeling very upset and defeated which is why he suggested breaking up rather than trying to fix things. He said he is not sure if he can be the man I deserve and I told him...are you going to MAN UP AND TRY or just QUIT??? He is optimistic about going to counseling and I will give him a chance to turn things around. I also did something I do with my students, I asked him what HE thought he could do better (instead of me telling him what to do) and he came up with some good solutions. He admitted though that he has to act on them first instead of just say them so I will be watching for that.

thanks everyone for your support.

 

[VRBeauty]

I made it very clear to him that I am still upset and will not get over this immediately, and if he wants to be together then things need to change. Yesterday he was feeling very upset and defeated which is why he suggested breaking up rather than trying to fix things. He said he is not sure if he can be the man I deserve and I told him...are you going to MAN UP AND TRY or just QUIT??? He is optimistic about going to counseling and I will give him a chance to turn things around. I also did something I do with my students, I asked him what HE thought he could do better (instead of me telling him what to do) and he came up with some good solutions. He admitted though that he has to act on them first instead of just say them so I will be watching for that.

thanks everyone for your support.

sig - that sounds promising. Good luck - go schedule that counseling!

 

[slg47]

I made it very clear to him that I am still upset and will not get over this immediately, and if he wants to be together then things need to change. Yesterday he was feeling very upset and defeated which is why he suggested breaking up rather than trying to fix things. He said he is not sure if he can be the man I deserve and I told him...are you going to MAN UP AND TRY or just QUIT??? He is optimistic about going to counseling and I will give him a chance to turn things around. I also did something I do with my students, I asked him what HE thought he could do better (instead of me telling him what to do) and he came up with some good solutions. He admitted though that he has to act on them first instead of just say them so I will be watching for that.

thanks everyone for your support.

sig - that sounds promising. Good luck - go schedule that counseling!

actually HE will be scheduling it!

 

[VRBeauty]

sig - that sounds promising. Good luck - go schedule that counseling!

actually HE will be scheduling it!

Even better!

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="slg47|He said he is not sure if he can be the man I deserve and I told him...are you going to MAN UP AND TRY or just QUIT??? He is optimistic about going to counseling and I will give him a chance to turn things around. I also did something I do with my students, I asked him what HE thought he could do better (instead of me telling him what to do) and he came up with some good solutions. He admitted though that he has to act on them first instead of just say them so I will be watching for that.[/quote]

congrats! you woMANED UP! good presentation to him. i believe that what you do with your students is also a couples technique taught for big bucks in group counseling sessions where you get to practice said technique.



MoZo

 

[ksinger]

You know, I just have to interject here. Threads like this are tough, but wow, how I wish the internet had been around before I married my first husband. I did EVERYTHING wrong, and for all the wrong reasons. MY mom knew the score, but she let me fall flat on my face. She picked me UP of course, but she knew she couldn't save me, and so let me fall. Tough woman, in the best, non-meddling sense of the word. But maybe if a bunch of total strangers told me I was not thinking straight, I might have done things differently. Moms can tell us the reality all day long and we'll dismiss it BECAUSE it's MOM, but strangers can tell you the same thing and wow, how insightful. (All the moms here are probably shaking their heads in agreement, right?)

Slg, I know this is tough, but I think you're taking some really positive steps, steps I never took and wish I had - BEFORE I got married the first time. In my case, I think it would have saved me much heartache. I did finally get to where I needed to be, but it sure took a lot longer than it could have, had I a circle of truly disinterested people giving me their views. I didn't have any people unconnected to the situation to talk to, and it would have helped immensely if I had.

There are never any guarantees in life, certainly, but no matter how this situation pans out, you'll know you handled it about as well and as directly as a person could. Best of luck to you and your FI.

 

[iugurl]

If he were your friend or roommate then it wouldn't be any of his concern whether you got to the airport, but since you're a couple, he most certainly should be concerned with whether you get the airport (considering he had nothing else to do, it's not like he had to be at work, or be in two places at once, or had to do something more important). That's just selfish, immature, and lazy, IMO.

Exactly! Perhaps if you had asked him to take out the trash or go grocery shopping for you (when those 2 tasks are YOUR responsibility, and he has other chores) then I could see him not wanting to, just because it is not his "job" and he simply doesn't "wanna."

But getting you to the airport!? Helping you? Making sure you get there OK and on time? That is, IMO, his job. Just like it is your job to do the same for him. It is called being in a relationship. He treated you like a roommate or just a friend.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Best of luck with counseling. I think it is wonderful that he agreed and is even calling to make the appointment! Obviously you love him so I do hope everything works out.

 

[slg47]

Best of luck with counseling. I think it is wonderful that he agreed and is even calling to make the appointment! Obviously you love him so I do hope everything works out.

honestly, I am not sure if I do anymore. at this point I am looking back on our relationship and thinking of all of the sacrifices I made for him and just feeling TIRED. I will give it another chance but I am feeling really, really hurt.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Best of luck with counseling. I think it is wonderful that he agreed and is even calling to make the appointment! Obviously you love him so I do hope everything works out.

honestly, I am not sure if I do anymore. at this point I am looking back on our relationship and thinking of all of the sacrifices I made for him and just feeling TIRED. I will give it another chance but I am feeling really, really hurt.

You WILL figure it out. It is easy for us to tell you what to do or what we would do but this is your life. Of course you are hurt. You gotta feel those feelings. The worst thing you could do is bury them. So just take this relationship one day at a time until you know what you need to do.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Oh, slg! You do sound tired and maybe a little depressed. The counseling is really important. You've invested a lot in the relationship and it has to be worth making sure whether you both want to make it work or not.

 

[FrekeChild]

Hugs.

 

[junebug17]

Best of luck with counseling. I think it is wonderful that he agreed and is even calling to make the appointment! Obviously you love him so I do hope everything works out.

honestly, I am not sure if I do anymore. at this point I am looking back on our relationship and thinking of all of the sacrifices I made for him and just feeling TIRED. I will give it another chance but I am feeling really, really hurt.

Oh sig, big hugs to you! You've had a very emotional couple of days, it's understandable you're feeling drained, and probably a little down. Take one day at a time, the counseling is definitely worth a shot and may very well help you process your feelings, and that in itself will be helpful to you. Your fiancee seems willing to work on things, and that's encouraging. Hang in there sweetie, and take care of yourself and try not to stress too much.

 

[slg47]

ok, well I habve a goo dupdate. We talked a lot tonight (not serious, well some of it was serious, but mostly just conversation about reality tv/sports/work/etc) and it really reminded me why we have been together for so long. I really enjoyed talking to him and I feel much better about giving him a chance to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. He says that he feels horrible and he doesn't expect me to "get over this" immediately but he had a huge "wake up call" and really wants to be the best fiance he can be. I realize actions speak louder than words but he seems really willing to change and I am going to give him a shot.

I really am amazed by all of the support on PS, from random strangers on the internet that I do not know. Your support has been really awesome and I cannot thank you enough for sharing your opinions, advice and hugs. PS is truly a great community of people and not just a bunch of huge diamonds (although those are nice to look at too!) Thanks everyone and if anyone is still with me here, I will keep you updated.

 

[katamari]

Glad to read the good update. If anything, it seems like counseling will be good for you both. Talking openly and honestly is the best practice for any couple. I have faith that if you could do this tonight and come to an agreeable solution, there is value in your relationship.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I haven't read 7 pages of lynching but I will say that people aren't perfect and that some people speak their truth. If someone asked me if I *wanted* to take them to the airport I would probably say no. If someone asked me to take them to the airport I would. I have told my husband before that I didn't want to take him and he has made other arrangements. It's a pain in the ass. I don't want to spend two hours of my day doing it if I don't HAVE to. And it has *nothing* to do with how much I love him. It has to do with is this really necessary? If it IS necessary I have ZERO problem being there for him and doing whatever it is he needs. If he *really* just WANTS me there for some reason I wouldn't deny him that either. But if it's just a do you WANT to take me to the air port - no, not really. There's another one - CAN you take me to the airport... I can but I don't want to - can you find another way?

I don't know the two of you, but I can say that you shouldn't base your whole being with him on this one issue - it's stupid. IF It is some tip of the chronic iceberg - by all means explore that. If it is that you were not absolutely clear with him (and possibly are yourself chronically not clear with him) then maybe you can change your approach, be more direct.

Not everyone reads between lines well. Nor should we have to all the time. It's high maintenance and tiresome. Plus we're usually wrong!!! I know my husband is almost always wrong when I make him play the guess what I *really* want out of this game.

 

[lliang_chi]

SLG, I've been following your thread and I'm glad you're getting a 3rd party to help you asses and work on areas of your relationship that can be improved.

I wanted to add what I saw with my parents. My mom was like you put us and my father as a priority. And us kids put her and my parents as a priority. My father never did, until it was too late. By the time he was willing to change, my mom was past the point of no return if you will.

I'm bringing this up because I'm optimistic that your FI found his wake up call NOW and not 35 yrs from now. I urge you to be more proactive and assertive on what your needs are. You're important to him, then your needs should be important too. I hear you on the "Why do I need to tell you every single time?" But y'know you NEVER did, so honestly this is the first time he'd be hearing it. YOu need to verbalize your needs. Over time, I hope he'll be able to anticipate them.

Good luck.

~LC

 

[Amber St. Clare]

never mind

 

[D&T]

Hugs Slg- I've followed your thread, and I'm so happy to see the progress and your update its a good time to reflect before making the big leap of marriage. You are in my thoughts sweetie and I hope things only get better for both of you.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Junebug, I call that an "emotional hangover."

slg, sounds very promising! Just take things one day at a time. Change is a long, difficult, painful process. If he is indeed going to change it will not happen over night.