mom doesnt want me to marry FI...

[Prana]

Slg47, why did you tell him about the post? It's probably going to make things worse.

I'm also curious as to why you told him? What were you planning on accomplishing? Did you expect him to see the error of his ways after reading a bunch of negative posts regarding him, with people telling you to rethink your relationship? Nothing positive could possibly have come from that.

 

[slg47]

Slg47, why did you tell him about the post? It's probably going to make things worse.

I'm also curious as to why you told him? What were you planning on accomplishing? Did you expect him to see the error of his ways after reading a bunch of negative posts regarding him, with people telling you to rethink your relationship? Nothing positive could possibly have come from that.

I thought it would help to see different perspectives.

honestly I am not sure if we can get past this and I am really upset

 

[Prana]

Slg, my heart is breaking for you...

You seem like you are a lovely, caring, loving person who doesn't want anything back but to simply FEEL loved. And you deserve that-every human being deserves that. We all need to feel loved, no matter who we are. It's essential to our well being!

I feel like telling your mom, starting this post, and telling him about the post were all cries for attention. You needed to feel like SOMEONE was on your side. That's the impression that I'm getting.

Your FI probably isn't a bad person, but that doesn't mean that he's GOOD for YOU-and that's OK. You are recognizing it, and that is really good, and it's a step in the right direction for YOU- (you; that person you've been ignoring all this time while worrying about making everyone else happy)

You recognized your unhappiness and you reacted. Good for you! You need to take care of yourself, to love yourself first. I hope your FI sees your struggle and tries to work on things. SERIOUSLY work on things. Not just random efforts for a few weeks and then everything goes back to the way it was.

I've had struggles with my DH, who hasn't? Nobody is perfect, but nobody is going to change by you asking them or telling them to, either. I've found that living by example is the most effective way to make it happen. It takes longer, but it's WAY more effective in the long run.

Postpone the wedding if you have to. Start counselling on your own-you will learn things about yourself, how to deal with your feelings, where your feelings are really coming from etc. You will be a happier person, you will show him that you are loving yourself and making an effort to be the best you can be, and if this relationship is truly meant to be and he truly loves you, he will see the positive changes and want them for himself too. Make it a point to treat yourself to things, have solo time, have girl time, etc. Get out of the funk that you are in and let him watch it happen. If he chooses to join you and follow, then great! If not, then you will be all the more empowered and more capable to accept that sometimes people grow apart.

It's all going to be OK!

 

[Circe]

Slg, my heart is breaking for you...

I feel like telling your mom, starting this post, and telling him about the post were all cries for attention. You needed to feel like SOMEONE was on your side. That's the impression that I'm getting.

Could not agree more with this bit. I am afraid I am a little bit less nice than Prana about the rest of it: I'm deeply sympathetic to what you're feeling, but not towards how you're acting about it, if you can see the distinction.

Look, think about this strategically: on some level, you're hoping that if enough people say "That's it, SLG is RIGHT! That FI, he's WRONG!," numbers will make a difference to your FI.

Dude, they won't. They might potentially make him think his MIL is a meddler and that you're a little bit of a tale-bearer, but that's IT. The only person you need to convince you're right is ... him, and most of the things you're doing are counterproductive to that.

And, don't get me wrong, I'm not on a high horse about this: I'm speaking from experience. I made the first mistake with my first relationship, and the second much more recently than that.

My advice? Post away on the internet if it makes you feel better: vent to confidential sources. But make everything closed-circuit, as in, you to them to you, no fiance. Making your FI an inadvertant party to gossip about himself with himself as the subject is not going to engender any sympathy. And DO think about counseling: it sounds like you guys might need a mediator, just, you know, an objective one. Not your mom, not your internet buddies: somebody who'll help both of you to see the issues at hand.

 

[taovandel]

He should have driven you....my husband wouldn't have even needed me to ask...he would have just done it.

Also, you told him that your mom was mad at him and then you want to show him this thread to show him that he is wrong. Why can't you just tell him how YOU feel about the situation instead of having to use others opinions to validate what is right and what is wrong?

You need to stand up for yourself in this relationship...

ETA: Didn't read the whole thread before posting this...sorry.

 

[slg47]

well...he has said he doesn't see how we can work through this. I am incredibly hurt that he didn't use this opportunity to show me that he really does care, but I suppose I can't expect change overnight. I am suggesting that we go to counseling.

 

[mayerling]

well...he has said he doesn't see how we can work through this. I am incredibly hurt that he didn't use this opportunity to show me that he really does care, but I suppose I can't expect change overnight. I am suggesting that we go to counseling.

I really hope he agrees to go to counseling and that you can work through this.

 

[merilenda]

I'm really sorry about how all this is working out, slg. When he says he "doesn't see how we can work through this," is he talking about the relationship in general (and all the topics previously discussed) or about this post? Because if it's the latter, and he's willing to throw in the towel because of an internet thread, I'd say you've got a pretty good answer right there.

My FI and I have made a real effort to never use language like that. Because we realize that if we're going to be committed to each other and get married, it's for the long haul. And we WILL find a way to work through it when we have problems. And we've certainly had our share of arguments and problems.

Edited to fix typo.

 

[slg47]

he means the relationship. i also hope he will agree to go to counseling. it irks me that I am the one who had to suggest it but that's something we can talk about when we get to counseling.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Sweet Slg, so sorry this has all been so painful for you..... You seem so very sweet and kind and truly deserve a man who puts
you before everything else.





Marriage is hard at times, and being married to someone who is not willing to 'do little things for you' sounds like a nightmare. It is
the little things in marriage that make up for a lot. Ok, so he leaves his underwear on the bathroom floor, but sets the coffee pot
at night so you have coffee first thing in the morning.....It's not the major things that can kill it, but the small things.....

 

[KittyGolightly]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but, slg, it sounds as though you asked him to take you to the airport the night before your early morning flight. Now, unless there was some sort of emergency change to your spring break plans, you've known for quite some time that you'd need/want him to take you to the airport at the break of dawn. I don't think it was considerate of you to ask him at the last minute.

I think he should have taken you anyway, but I can't fault him for being irked.

 

[lulu66]

Slg, my heart is breaking for you...

You seem like you are a lovely, caring, loving person who doesn't want anything back but to simply FEEL loved. And you deserve that-every human being deserves that. We all need to feel loved, no matter who we are. It's essential to our well being!

I feel like telling your mom, starting this post, and telling him about the post were all cries for attention. You needed to feel like SOMEONE was on your side. That's the impression that I'm getting.

Your FI probably isn't a bad person, but that doesn't mean that he's GOOD for YOU-and that's OK. You are recognizing it, and that is really good, and it's a step in the right direction for YOU- (you; that person you've been ignoring all this time while worrying about making everyone else happy)

You recognized your unhappiness and you reacted. Good for you! You need to take care of yourself, to love yourself first. I hope your FI sees your struggle and tries to work on things. SERIOUSLY work on things. Not just random efforts for a few weeks and then everything goes back to the way it was.

I've had struggles with my DH, who hasn't? Nobody is perfect, but nobody is going to change by you asking them or telling them to, either. I've found that living by example is the most effective way to make it happen. It takes longer, but it's WAY more effective in the long run.

Postpone the wedding if you have to. Start counselling on your own-you will learn things about yourself, how to deal with your feelings, where your feelings are really coming from etc. You will be a happier person, you will show him that you are loving yourself and making an effort to be the best you can be, and if this relationship is truly meant to be and he truly loves you, he will see the positive changes and want them for himself too. Make it a point to treat yourself to things, have solo time, have girl time, etc. Get out of the funk that you are in and let him watch it happen. If he chooses to join you and follow, then great! If not, then you will be all the more empowered and more capable to accept that sometimes people grow apart.

It's all going to be OK!

prana said everything i'm thinking & feeling more eloquently than i could. slg, my heart is breaking for you. what a tough place you're in! but (even from your internet posts) i can tell you are a loving & caring woman and the future will hold wonderful things for a woman like you! ((((((HUGS)))))))

and i would also [again] recommend counseling. even if it ends up being only for yourself. i think you, too, have some issues to work out (don't worry, we all do!) regarding communicating your needs & expectations to a partners.

 

[neatfreak]

he means the relationship. i also hope he will agree to go to counseling. it irks me that I am the one who had to suggest it but that's something we can talk about when we get to counseling.

Aww Slg, I was hoping you were back with a good update. I do have to say though that if he's willing to throw in the towel about something like this, it speaks to other things other than the current issue at hand. As a married couple there are a LOT of bigger things to work out than a fight about a ride to the airport, and not being willing to sit down with you and discuss this isn't a good sign.

I hate to say this but it sounds like he's trying to find a way out without having to be the one to tell you it isn't working.

I hope I am wrong, but that's what seems to be occurring based on what you have written.

 

[slg47]

Sweet Slg, so sorry this has all been so painful for you..... You seem so very sweet and kind and truly deserve a man who puts
you before everything else.


If you decide he is not the guy for you....keep the ring.. it's gorgeous.


Marriage is hard at times, and being married to someone who is not willing to 'do little things for you' sounds like a nightmare. It is
the little things in marriage that make up for a lot. Ok, so he leaves his underwear on the bathroom floor, but sets the coffee pot
at night so you have coffee first thing in the morning.....It's not the major things that can kill it, but the small things.....

haha well I'm not perfect. I would DEFINITELY keep the ring though (somehow we had discussed this at some point? probably because I read about someone else giving it back and said I would give it back, and he said he would want me to keep it. so I would keep it and reset into a pendant.)

BUT I don't see that happening. I really do appreciate everyone's input but at the end of the day I don't think it's not that he's just not that into me, but that he's dense and bad at relationships. And the fact that he has been stressed out at work recently is probably not helping matters either. Anyway, I hope that we can both go to counseling together and work things out. He really is a great guy and we have a lot in common and really do enjoy spending time together.

 

[Pandora II]

Thought I'd add a potentially different angle on this:

When I first met my husband he so nearly got dumped by me the first month. The reason: we arranged for me to come up to London to spend the weekend and were to meet at a magazine launch in the centre of London. At the time he had a Vespa and went to work on it that morning. As a result when it came to go back to his house he went on the Vespa and left me to get public transport (at the time I wasn't working and couldn't afford to take taxis - but was too proud to ever tell him how little money I had). I got to the station near his house and then got lost even though it was actually very easy to get to his - but it was dark and I'd only be there once. I rang him to say I was lost and he asked me to give him the street name - I thought he planned to come out and find me... but no... he went to get the A-Z to give me instructions! I so nearly went back to the station and back to my parents!


I had a massive go at him. I felt very torn - there I was, in my mid-30's, having lived in Italy alone for 8 years and having spent a month backpacking round China on my own and I expected a man to come and pick me up from a Tube Station in my own country. But, I wanted him to understand that it wasn't that I was incapable but that it was a sign of his caring about me to make the gesture.

I related the story to his entire family who all berated him about it - his mother apologised - and he has never dared not step up since.

His father is equally bad - yet his youngest brother opens car doors, waits at bus stops with me and texts to make sure I get home safely. My father would have done exactly the same as FIL and DH - but my brother would never in a million years not walk a girlfriend home or give her the money for a taxi. I don't think it's 'cultural' as such but I think children do pick up on their parents behaviours and I know my grandfather behaved as my father does - ie leave their wife struggling with the kids and suitcases without even noticing

I've learnt that DH just doesn't 'get it' the way his brother does. It is the only minor whinge that I have about DH and he does try to make an effort as I am pretty strict about it - lack of chivalry and politeness really irritate me and so he has had to be trained!

I don't think it's a deal breaker and it's an easy one to change in someone because IMHO it isn't a character thing but an etiquette thing.The more worrying thing in your case is that your FI doesn't get that you are upset or see that he should change or that he has made an error by his behaviour.

 

[qtiekiki]

well...he has said he doesn't see how we can work through this. I am incredibly hurt that he didn't use this opportunity to show me that he really does care, but I suppose I can't expect change overnight. I am suggesting that we go to counseling.

I hope he said that because he is upset, not that it makes it ok to say, but it would at least make a little bit of sense. It's scary though that he can just give up on the relationship to someone he proposed to. Maybe maturity will change that, maybe not. Hope the counseling can help you figure out what to do.

 

[Haven]

Sweet Slg, so sorry this has all been so painful for you..... You seem so very sweet and kind and truly deserve a man who puts
you before everything else.

If you decide he is not the guy for you....keep the ring.. it's gorgeous.

Marriage is hard at times, and being married to someone who is not willing to 'do little things for you' sounds like a nightmare. It is
the little things in marriage that make up for a lot. Ok, so he leaves his underwear on the bathroom floor, but sets the coffee pot
at night so you have coffee first thing in the morning.....It's not the major things that can kill it, but the small things.....

I agree with all of this. I am so sorry to see that you're in serious pain, I hope you keep the ring , and the little things really do make or break a marriage.

Big hugs.

And in case you're worrying about all of the what-ifs that come with leaving: I broke an engagement once. I was only 22 (or was it 23?), we had been together for years, and it just wasn't right. It was a "public" choice to leave because it was an actual engagement, and that made it harder to make my decision, but in the end I did and now I could not be happier about that decision. I met my husband a short six months after that broken engagement, and I'm now married to the love of my life.

I'm not saying leaving is the right thing for you, but I am saying that it IS an option. I needed someone to tell me that when I found myself wondering if I was engaged to the wrong man, and so now I'm telling you.

My favorite musician Paul Simon came out with his Surprise album a couple years after I broke my engagement, and when I heard the song "Another Galaxy" I had to pull my car over because I couldn't drive through all my tears. I wish I had this song when I was facing the really difficult decision to leave. Maybe it won't mean anything to you, but it so perfectly expresses what I felt, and how difficult it was to make that really important decision. I still think of those dark days when I was mustering up the courage to break my engagement every time I hear this song, and I still find it very comforting.

Here's a not-so-great version on Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifMIOs72hG0

Big hugs to you, slg. I hope you find the resolution you need, whatever the answer.

ETA: I must have missed your most recent post--it looks like things aren't as dark as I feared! Ah, well--the song is amazing, anyway.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I can understand why your Fi is upset by this posting...and I think that it's probably a normal reaction to having the flaw in his relationship laid out for others to judge and comment on. It's not a comfortable position to be in, and I can't think (off the top of my head) anyone, male or female, who would relish being in that position. Yet, there he is. He showed his a** and we're all dogging him for it...can't blame the guy for being put out. But, then again, you reap what you sow.

But, I also think (and agree 110%) that you did what you needed to do in order to feel better and talk through what happened. PS is a fairly tight knit community, and sometimes it's nice to come here and just air it out...you relatively know the people replying wouldn't hurt you intentionally, and that's a comfort when you're feeling down.

Next time, don't clue him in. He doesn't need to know that you've had validation or where it came from.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Slg, I really hope this all works out in which ever way is best for you. You have the right to be hurt. Hope counseling can bring you some clarity. If he refuses to go, try individual.

 

[slg47]

he means the relationship. i also hope he will agree to go to counseling. it irks me that I am the one who had to suggest it but that's something we can talk about when we get to counseling.

Aww Slg, I was hoping you were back with a good update. I do have to say though that if he's willing to throw in the towel about something like this, it speaks to other things other than the current issue at hand. As a married couple there are a LOT of bigger things to work out than a fight about a ride to the airport, and not being willing to sit down with you and discuss this isn't a good sign.

I hate to say this but it sounds like he's trying to find a way out without having to be the one to tell you it isn't working.

I hope I am wrong, but that's what seems to be occurring based on what you have written.

yeah, I hope you are wrong too! FI seems to think that in a good relationship there will be no fights. I think this is absurd and think we need to work on HOW we fight and work through things. He really hates conflict and thinks that because we disagree, we are not right for one another.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

sorry, but he hates conflict because he hates having his mistakes pointed out to him (as evidenced by his reaction to hearing about this thread). He doesn't like his faults being put out in black and white and here's the important thing to know. He doesn't like it because HE DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS! Denial ain't a river in Egypt they say.

I had a bf long ago who showed me where I fit into his life in a similar manner. It was Easter Sunday and the Red Sox were playing. Guess who didn't want to go to have Easter dinner with my family because the game was on and I couldn't guarantee he'd be able to watch it there? Yup, you guessed it. The relationship was doomed. Sorry to say, but your FI may love you in his own way, but it's not the way you deserve to be loved. It's not about being treated like a princess, it's about being treated as a respected partner.

 

[decodelighted]

He really hates conflict and thinks that because we disagree, we are not right for one another.

Oooooorrrrrrr .... he's seeing that you might just start asking for something in return to all you're giving. And he's not feeling so much like *giving anything back* OR *being called out for not giving anything back*. So NOW, feeling exposed, he's going to "get you" before you "get him". (i.e. *dump him*)

You know that cheesy line "you make me wanna be a better man?" Sounds a bit like he's NOT feeling like he wants to be a better ANYTHING. He's just bummed that you're onto him. And that you are not truly a needless wonder that would allow him to stay in a peaceful relationship with you without expending any effort whatsoever.

 

[Dancing Fire]

he means the relationship. i also hope he will agree to go to counseling. it irks me that I am the one who had to suggest it but that's something we can talk about when we get to counseling.

Aww Slg, I was hoping you were back with a good update. I do have to say though that if he's willing to throw in the towel about something like this, it speaks to other things other than the current issue at hand. As a married couple there are a LOT of bigger things to work out than a fight about a ride to the airport, and not being willing to sit down with you and discuss this isn't a good sign.

I hate to say this but it sounds like he's trying to find a way out without having to be the one to tell you it isn't working.

I hope I am wrong, but that's what seems to be occurring based on what you have written.

yeah, I hope you are wrong too! FI seems to think that in a good relationship there will be no fights. I think this is absurd and think we need to work on HOW we fight and work through things. He really hates conflict and thinks that because we disagree, we are not right for one another.

not true...wife and i been fighting for over 30 yrs...

 

[movie zombie]

relationships are work. only you can decide for yourself how much of the load you're willing to carry to be with him. only he can decide how much of a load he is willing to care to be with you. ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH HIM AS HE IS. come on now: its not your job to change him. you say he's a great guy but if he's so great how come you didn't just live with the fact you didn't get a ride to the airport and instead posted here?

i think you're in denial: he's pissed. i'd be pissed too if you had showed me this thread and i were him. on the other hand, perhaps you've made it easier for both of you to reassess what it is you want in a partner and make the decision to move on.....

what is up with being irritated that he didn't suggest counseling?! this is a guy that i'd never expect to do such a thing based on what you've posted about him.

i think you wanted validation which you got from us. each time you respond to your thread and comments that are made here, something else is revealed and i'm not sure what i'd call it.......i think you're now scared that he may decide he doesn't want to continue the relationship. but i'm wondering if deep down within yourself you weren't already afraid that his lack of attention was demonstrating a lack of interest in the relationship.....and we fanned that fire. with the fire fanned, you used this thread to bolster yourself to confront him regarding your needs not being met. not a bad thing up until that point. you have every right to have your needs met!!!!! you have every right to tell him what those needs are and how he can fulfill them!!!!! but showing him this thread was, imo, not an appropriate way to do it.

counseling for yourself whether he wants couples counseling is a great idea. i hope you follow up on that suggestion. i think if i were you i'd tell him i'm not going to apologize for stating my needs and wanting to work with him to get them met nor would i apologize for getting support from an online community. but if i really thought this guy and i could work on this relationship, i'd apologize for making him aware of this thread.

MoZo

 

[Dancing Fire]

IMO...if a couple needs counseling then they are not ready for marriage.

 

[rosetta]

Oh dear slg.

He sounds very defensive and, dare I say it, immature.

If it makes you feel better, my FI was not big on driving me places at the start of our relationship either, but I've beaten him into submission now

I threw an absolute fit when he wouldn't take me home once when it was quite late and I didn't feel safe on public transport. His sister traipses around all hours, as does he, so he thought I would be happy to do the same. I quickly disabused him of this notion, and now he's good as gold.

The key point here is that he was willing to change immediately. Do you think your FI is willing to change?

I would delay the wedding until you are 100% happy to go through with it.

 

[lulu66]

please read this article & print it out to share w/your FI. there is so much truth in it. [fair] fights are essential in any good, healthy marriage. http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/12/wedding-undergraduate-fighting/

honestly, i'm worried that neither of you (but especially him) know exactly what it takes to make a marriage work. it's not easy; it's doesn't just come naturally; just because you love each other doesn't mean that you are the right life partners for each other. (that's not to say that it's always HARD, but it is a job that you both have to work on & put effort into.) of course, having a disagreement that started over him not taking you to the airport doesn't mean that you are not right for each other either. it's how you deal with disagreements that WILL arise if you spend your lives together that shows whether you have what it takes to be together for the long haul.

have you guys discussed long term goals, starting your family, dealing with the family you have, sharing chores, paying bills, sex, debt, divorce, religion, etc, etc?

more ((((HUGS))))) for you slg!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} slg! Let us know how things go! I will say a prayer for you that all this works out for your good!

 

[lulu66]

IMO...if a couple needs counseling then they are not ready for marriage.

i respectfully disagree, df. counseling can be a wonderful, eye-opening thing for many individuals & couples. many people feel safer having a third party that can help facilitate discusssion & help hone in on problem areas & point out strengths of the individual & relationship. that's not to say that counseling is something that will automatically fix a problem, only two individuals can do that. but counseling can provide a non-threatening environment in which to explore a relationship for many couples.


ETA: and in this particular case, many people are encouraging counseling BEFORE they are married in order to help them PREPARE (or become ready) for their marriage.

 

[rosetta]

Slg, may I ask you how your FI behaved when you were last unwell? Did he look after you?

I knew I'd picked the right man for me when he nursed me when I had the swine flu. I recently got to return his kindness when he got pneumonia, though I had to do less as he was in hospital.

I am a firm believer that you really see a person's true colours when you fall ill and they have to look after you, above their own comforts.