mom doesnt want me to marry FI...

[JewelFreak]

Slg, I'm getting clear vibes from what you've written that you are unsure yourself about this relationship. One thing you can be positive of: if it bothers you somewhat now (whatever trait it is), it will become more so in the years to come. You have to tell him when you're upset or unhappy & need him to care? If he's that insensitive or undemonstrative now, he will not improve in the future. Hard thing to hear, harder to face -- but I am telling you from much experience, my own and that of friends. That's not something you can teach him. Imagine how things will be in, say, 10 years, when the romantic bloom has inevitably faded & you are regular everyday married people.

I'm not saying to break it off, but to take plenty of time before you sign on the dotted line. Getting married when there are very basic things you need & have trouble getting only leads to deep regret & heartbreak later -- maybe with kids in the picture. If a wedding is scheduled, you'd be incredibly wise to put it off for a while. Give yourself the gift of more experience with him. Your mother may be right or wrong, but YOU, yourself, are unsure. An emotionally unfulfilling courtship becomes to a sterile marriage -- it's worth delaying a bit.

--- Laurie

 

[zoebartlett]

So now you're stuck at the airport, possibly until the beginning of next week and your FI's attitude is "See, I told you so?" Really? He honestly doesn't see this as a big deal?

 

[slg47]

well he hasn't apologized. he just doesn't see it as a big deal, or that he did anything wrong.

luckily I am going back to the city I live in so I am not stuck in this other airport.

to the other posters...my mom is...dramatic at times. she gets really worked up.

 

[sillyberry]

I'm not going to judge the airport thing too harshly (I myself have weaseled out of taking my FI to the airport when there was another alternative because driving to O'Hare makes me want to tear my hair out). He really should have done it, given the circumstances, and you're right to be irritated about the fact he didn't.

But clearly this isn't really about whether or not he drove you to the airport... (ETA): My FI can be an idiot at times, and sometimes I have to explain why he's being an idiot, but once I do, he gets it and apologizes. Over time he's gotten better at recognizing "this is not going to be acceptable to sillyberry...probably shouldn't do it." In this case, your FI's complete lack of apology is what gets to me.

junebug and jewelfreak just offered some excellent advice.

 

[slg47]

Ok, two more thoughts based on your follow-up posts. First, I do strongly feel that people treat us as we teach them to do so. What was your reaction when your FI said he didn't want to take you to the airport? Did you just say ok, or did you express your displeasure with that answer? Because I'm trying to think of what I would do if my FI said he didn't want to take me to the airport, and I think I would laugh, say, "Well, yeah, duh!! But I need to be there by 8, so we will need to leave the house by 7:30" and then smile, kiss him on the cheek, and say thanks.

Second, some people need more explicit instruction on how to best treat their partners. For instance, I know that I have high expectations for by birthday plans in order to feel best loved, so I spell out for my BF what I would like: dinner, flowers, and suggestions on the present. Some people feel that if they have to spell out what they want, it doesn't mean as much, but I feel that I would rather ask and get what I want, than hope that he reads my mind correctly. It sounds like your FI needs instructions on how to best treat you. How do you feel about providing this for him?

yes, I provide instructions. however not EVERYTHING should require instructions! (example: I am upset and crying, I shouldn't have to TELL HIM to hug me. but I do.) I don't remember what my reaction was, I think I just said "ok well I'll take the public transportation then."

 

[junebug17]

I just re-read your initial post, and it sounds like there are times you feel he's not there for you. I would definitely straighten this out before your marriage, because a big part of marriage is being there for the other person and helping him/her out.

 

[slg47]

also I didn't mean to insult all the new englanders sorry guys

anyway, the wedding is not for another year and two months. so...lots of time.


ETA I think FI feels bad now, he has offered to pay for a flight on another airline. (my parents have also). I'm not going to do that, I don't think it's worth it.

 

[HollyS]

the thing is, I don't think FI doesn't love me. I think that's just how he operates in relationships...he doesn't treat the girl like a princess (which is fine!) but sometimes it leaves me wanting more.

And you are ready to make what is supposed to be a lifetime commitment to this person?

Just so we're clear, driving you to the airport - - if he was fully capable and not in any way unable to do so - - does NOT mean he is treating you as a princess. It would have been the considerate, and expected, thing to do. But it isn't a romantic or overly generous gesture. It's what you would do for a friend. So why not for your intended?

If he isn't willing to step outside of his comfort zone for you in this, what else is he unwilling to do?

And, frankly, why didn't you get yourself to the airport in time? Did he say "No, not taking you" at the last minute? Did he not want you to go?

There are underlying issues that need addressing.

 

[VRBeauty]

He wouldn't drive you to the airport - even though you asked - for no good reason.

It sounds as if you took public transportation rather than taking a taxi - even though it was much riskier to do so - in part as a way of "showing" him (forgive me if I'm totally off base there).

Those are both red flags to me.

Add to that the fact that you want signs that you are cherished in this relationship and you're not getting them...

sig, I think you need to think long and hard about why you're in this relationship.

 

[slg47]

I didn't make it in time because the public transportation starts at 6 am on Saturdays. I honestly thought I could make it and I don't like taking taxis. I would have made it had I been allowed to go to the front of the line (which the airline was allowing people to do AFTER I missed my flight.)

 

[princesss]

I had to re-read your post 3 times before I could get past the fact that he didn't want to drive you to the airport. I guess I can't understand him a) not wanting to make sure that you got to the airport safely and on time and b) not wanting to spend that extra time with you. I mean, if there was literally nothing interfering with his ability to drive you, he should have done it. Plain and simple. And if this is part of a pattern, it's not going to change, so you have to decide how much it bothers you now, and how much the resentment could build up in the future. What about when you have kids? Is he going to make you take them to school/soccer practice/pick them up from a friends house even if he could do it and it's a major inconvenience to you just because he doesn't feel like doing it? Honestly, I've never had a BF or even a friend refuse to drive me to the airport unless they had something they really couldn't get out of. I think it's just part of what you do for people you're close to - you're willing to inconvenience yourself for them.

While obviously your mother's opinion is coloured by her past, I would take it into consideration. It's possible that since she's BTDT, it may be clearer to her how this can start - a small thing here or there, and it progresses as time goes on. I also firmly believe that friends and family members are better judges of whether a relationship is a good one than the people in it - they're not clouded by love and history and pheromones, so I think they usually take a more realistic view of the relationship.

Anyways, give yourself some time to process this, clear out the other voices in your head, and listen to your gut.

*hug*

 

[suchende]

the thing is, I don't think FI doesn't love me. I think that's just how he operates in relationships...he doesn't treat the girl like a princess (which is fine!) but sometimes it leaves me wanting more.

And you are ready to make what is supposed to be a lifetime commitment to this person?

Just so we're clear, driving you to the airport - - if he was fully capable and not in any way unable to do so - - does NOT mean he is treating you as a princess. It would have been the considerate, and expected, thing to do. But it isn't a romantic or overly generous gesture. It's what you would do for a friend. So why not for your intended?

If he isn't willing to step outside of his comfort zone for you in this, what else is he unwilling to do?

And, frankly, why didn't you get yourself to the airport in time? Did he say "No, not taking you" at the last minute? Did he not want you to go?

There are underlying issues that need addressing.

Gosh, what is so wrong with expecting to be treated like a princess anyway (assuming you're also doting and kind in return)? It seems like a better starting place in a relationship, and then settle into a more comfortable, less indulgent status quo. I know a guy who dumped his GF for being too low-maintentence, because he knew he needed a girl with high expectations to keep him in line.

 

[slg47]

What about when you have kids? Is he going to make you take them to school/soccer practice/pick them up from a friends house even if he could do it and it's a major inconvenience to you just because he doesn't feel like doing it?

this is what I am thinking as well.

 

[Andelain]

yeah, that's the thing. I don't want to be a high maintenance diva and order him around, but I would like to feel appreciated and loved?

Being cared for and treated like he values and respects you is a far cry from you being a diva. If he can't treat you any better while you're engaged imagine how he'll be after you're married. You need to have enough respect for yourself to set your standard a little higher than being told to make your own way to the airport because he doesn't 'feel like it'.

Sorry to say it, but I agree with your Mom.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree this is not a regional thing. I have lived in both the north and the south and have always been able to get a friend to drive me to the airport. It sounds like you do have some doubts even w/o your mom bring them up. I would explore these issues because most people don't change. You need to make sure this is someone who you want to be with for the rest of your life. Good luck.

 

[slg47]

I suppose I did spring this on him last minute (I had forgotten what time my flight was and what time the public transit was). He now is claiming that he said he would take me, but I specifically remember him saying that I probably wouldn't make it if I took the public transit and him NOT OFFERING to drive me. Maybe I should have really asked him to take me, but it didn't seem like he would have done it.

 

[VRBeauty]

You haven't told us anything about when your mother left your father, or how long he was in your life, or whether she went on to a better relationship, but...

there's always a possibility that you grew up with poor examples of how a man should treat a woman, and that you're unconsciously choosing that again because it's somehow comfortable.

No, I'm not trying to put it all back on you - just trying to say that I think you should really pay attention to and explore and even challenge your feelings about all this.

 

[slg47]

she left him when I was 2, and was with a wonderful guy for a long time. He is like my dad now They are not together but not because he didn't treat her right...they are exes now and he would still drive her to the airport (or pay for a cab!)

 

[LadyBlue]

I didn't make it in time because the public transportation starts at 6 am on Saturdays. I honestly thought I could make it and I don't like taking taxis. I would have made it had I been allowed to go to the front of the line (which the airline was allowing people to do AFTER I missed my flight.)

slg, I have to say that you are totally responsible for not making it to the airport on time. You are an adult and your Fiance did not fail on you at last minute. You decided to take public transportation knowing that it was risky. Thinking they will let you cut the line because you were late is bad planning. I honestly hate when they let people cut the line because they are late.Everybody wants to sleep more.

What I see is a big problem of communication. You asked your DF to drop you at the airport and he said no and you said "ok well I'll take the public transportation then." If you are upset, let him know that.

I do agree with everybody that he should want to take to the airport. But if he does not do it and you don't express disappointment, how can he do better.

 

[slg47]

oh no, I am completely responsible. I totally blame myself for not taking a taxi. That being said, I wish my FI had OFFERED to drive instead of having me pay for a taxi. I just feel it is the nice thing to do.

 

[LadyBlue]

slg, I totally understand what you are saying. But sometimes we have to speak up, I had a problem with opening doors as well. Where I'm from man usually open the car door, drive you home etc. When I moved to NYC man don't even walk you to the subway. I had to express that for me it was really important. Sometimes my now DH did not really wanted to walk me to the station but I did not say, it's ok don't walk me. I said it's really important for me and I really want you to do it. If after that he had not walked me to the station I would had walked away, very very far away to not return.

My only question is, does he still say no after you express how important is for you? If he says no, then there is a problem you have to solve fast as a couple.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It WOULD have been the nice thing to do *but* why are you going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread? You need to ask for what you need, not expect people to treat you how you would treat them. Expectations are nothing but premeditated resentments. Asking him to take you and saying no is VASTLY different than you waiting for him to offer.

 

[slg47]

I did ask him to take me. He didn't expressly say NO but he acted like he was not interested in taking me or couldn't be bothered. Given his reaction I did not press further.

 

[swingirl]

I am afraid your fiance's lazy attitude is going to show up in other areas of your lives together. He should have jumped at your request and honestly you shouldn't have even had to ask. It'd be one thing if he had work or class or an appointment that he had to miss or if you travel several times a month for business. But this was not the case. He just didn't want to be bothered. Getting a ride to the airport is not Diva treatment. It's what you do for someone you care about and are concerned for their safety and comfort.

Listen to your mother. She may be dramatic and have her own skew, but she has years of experience and knows how a certain behavior looks in 10-20 years.

 

[TravelingGal]

I am going to assume your mother (even if she's dramatic) loves you.

People who love you want the best for you.

They don't say things to be dramatic. They don't say things to make you miserable on purpose. They can't make you DO anything, but they aren't going to sit back and not let their opinions be known if a situation is going to be bad for you.

As for your FI....

Not wanting to drive you to the airport *may* translate into other things in the future, such as:

- I don't feel like washing up the kids tonight, so you do it.
- I don't feel like helping with chores.
- I don't feel like going to family dinners or functions with your friends.
- I don't feel like making the effort to spend quality time with you.
- I don't feel like it, so I'm just not gonna do it.

In a relationship, you have to do things you don't feel like. Holy cow, my day in and day out LIFE is like this (having kids mean an eternal list of things that are not so fun to do). I wouldn't marry Mr. I-don't-feel-like because that attitude is poison to my soul. Meaning, if he doesn't do things because he doesn't feel like it, then out of bitterness, I may not do things because *I* don't feel like it either. And that's not the person I want to be.

 

[AnneinGA]

slg, I think something you said really speaks volumes.

ETA I think FI feels bad now, he has offered to pay for a flight on another airline. (my parents have also). I'm not going to do that, I don't think it's worth it.

it sounds like you're saying - I don't think I'M worth it.

Look at your position - you've told him why you're angry, and in his own way it sounds like he's picked up on a way to fix it, and now you're telling him no. Why not? If he doesn't fix it, then there is no consequence. I'd let him fly you home on his dime. His offering to do that is his way of stepping up - don't overlook or dismiss it.

I see a lot of you and your reactions in me 15 years ago. My mom was (is) bitter and she and my dad didn't make it. She expected him to read her mind, and he was a man of the traditional era. I learned bad habits, most specifically that I should expect a man to figure out what I wanted (i.e. your FI offering to drive you), and never really having to ask. I'd get angry and hurt that my DH didn't do what I wanted.

That left me with a lot of disappointment, resentment and anger. And now from your post above, I'm not really sure you directly asked him to take you, more that you gave him some parameters hoping he would deduce that you wanted him to take you. I.E. I don't want to drive, public transportation might make me late....... [patiently waiting for him to offer, "hey, I'll take you"].

I'd also like to address the whole hug and apology thing. When my DH and I were first dating, he didn't do that either. His family didn't do that. He told me once after a lot of couples therapy that he watched his dad trying to say he was sorry to his mom and it didn't do any good. He learned bad habits too - that what you should do when someone is angry is to not say anything and give that person space.

I don't think either of you is wrong. I think that you BOTH have some ground to give and that neither of you is communicating very well. I think you may be a wonderful couple together, but you both have to learn to be a little different.

<hugs> - learning how to get out of this dance is very hard indeed!

 

[Tuckins1]

the thing is, I don't think FI doesn't love me. I think that's just how he operates in relationships...he doesn't treat the girl like a princess (which is fine!) but sometimes it leaves me wanting more.

Ummm.. i don't see "driving your FI to the airport to catch a flight" and "treating your FI like a princess" as the same thing. Just saying.

 

[JulieN]

I think you need to have higher expectations of him. He might meet them.

 

[JewelFreak]

I have told him in the past that I feel like I put more into the relationship than he does. Of course I am not perfect by any means, but sometimes I do not feel appreciated. Right now I am uber upset because I am stuck in the airport and might not make it until TUESDAY?!?!?!?! Honestly he doesn't see it as a big deal.

it's safe to assume he'll become less considerate over time, and not more. Don't go into marriage thinking he's going to change for the better.

It's not really about the airport, is it? It's about the above, and Suchende is right. As a relationship goes along & becomes routine many of the little nice things fall through the cracks. It doesn't get better that way, usually somewhat (or more) worse. If there isn't enough for one partner in the beginning, the future's outlook isn't great. This isn't about the airport or about your mom. It's about you & him.

Before you make reception reservations, buy a dress, etc., do some real hard thinking, Slg. There are tons of guys out there who dream of a warm generous girl like you. Glad you have time to decide whether this one is enough.

--- Laurie

 

[marymm]

I did ask him to take me. He didn't expressly say NO but he acted like he was not interested in taking me or couldn't be bothered. Given his reaction I did not press further.

You know what? Hard truth, but I'm with your mom - based on what you've told us, I don't want you to marry FI either, at least not if your relationship is how you describe it. And not completely because I think your FI is lacking in courtesy and thoughtfulness (and really, a FI who is unwilling to take the woman he has asked to be his wife to the airport? bad enough if he was your boyfriend, but your FI? - why would you want this person to be your life partner if you can't rely on him now for the easy things?); I also think you need to do some soul-searching on how you want to be treated and why you've been lowering your expectations in your current relationship.