I'm a widow

[AGBF]

O. M. G. What a cluster! I agree with falling to the floor in tears. When my son was a baby, we were in line at a NYS DMV for an hour or so and he started crying, just balling. Well, I was not leaving my spot on line. After several minutes of the crying, a DMV employee came over, opened up the velvet gate and said, "Ma'am, what are you processing, please follow me!" Applause literally broke out among the other frazzled people. I got those plates so fast, and they didn't even loook at my papers. Family and friends wanted to borrow my DS after that to take to the DMV. Lol.

I did this in Italy. A man had thrown corn on me to get pigeons to settle on me so he could take photos of me and then charge me for them in front of the Duomo in Milano. I didn't want them. I also spoke very little Italian back then. When my husband got back and saw what had happened he told the photographer and the photographer told him to f*ck himself. My husband said he was going to denounce him to the police and went and got a policeman. We all ended up walking to the police station and going before a magistrate. My husband was explaining that I didn't understand why he was throwing corn on me because I didn't speak Italian. The photographer was saying, "He seems to speak pretty good Italian to me!" Everyone was yelling, "It's the wife! It's wife!" ("Wife" was one of the only words I knew in Italian and every time they yelled it I cried more. My husband leaned over and whispered to me, "Keep it up!" It made the photographer look even worse.) It was an absolute circus! But I really didn't like having pigeons all over me!!!

 

[AGBF]

I have been trying to catch up on the more recent parts of this thread, PB. Right after your husband's death I was reading the thread every day. Lately I missed a lot of it. I was shocked to learn the insurance company was trying to deny you part of the benefit for an accident, and went back to see what had sparked that. (I saw references to alcohol possibly being in his system and do not know why that would mean his death was not an accident. As other people have commented.) I hope you will fight that with a good lawyer if the insurance company tries to deny you what it should be paying. I hate insurance companies more than I hate any other industry. When I saw televised Congressional hearings of the insurance companies, I knew those companies were staffed by truly evil people.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I am assuming that if you have alcohol in your system, the insurance company would state that the deceased contributed to the incident - so that it is not purely accidental.

Don't let others rain on your parade - even if they are parents - in terms of the job. It may or not work out for you - many people try many lines of work only to find out that it is not for them - but you won't know until you give a whirl. I still think that having something else to focus your energy and attention on at this point would be a good thing for you.

As for the person with lots of friends - things aren't always like they look. He might have many friends and yet it might not bring him comfort. They may be annoying or cloying to the point that he wishes they would go away. Might not be the case of course but all things are not always as they appear. Having folks give you a shout out from across the room or a slap on the back doesn't necessarily mean that they are good friends either - most of them are probably acquaintances. I am glad you got out even if the entertainment was not that great. It is still good for the soul to get out of the regular environment and have a look around!

I wish I could do or say something to buoy your self confidence but that really does have to come from you. It means that you have to take steps outside of your comfort zone in order to have better confidence in your abilities. One can't happen without the other but after the first feel good moment, the rest are easier to come by. Confidence builds upon itself and friendships come with interaction with others. Give yourself permission to take a step - I think you are far more skilled than you give yourself credit for. Thanks for checking in too - I'm sure it makes us all feel better to hear from you!

Good luck with the insurance and report next week. Take a deep breath, wade through and you will come out on the other side. Good, bad or indifferent you are whittling away at these unpleasant tasks and just like the DMV, once you are done with a task you don't have to revisit it again.

 

[lovedogs]

PB: parents are (unfortunately) really good at knowing where to push and prod to make people feel bad. Yours seem to take advantage of that fact regularly, which is a shame.

You are 100% right about how to think about the commission stuff. The original plan was to do nothing, meaning you earn nothing. Your plan of working (even if you don't make commission goals monthly) is going to help you in terms of personal fulfillment. Who the F cares if you don't make the goals?! As long as you are happy and have stuff to keep your mind occupied, that's all that matters. YOU ARE ALL THAT MATTERS!!!!!!!!

 

[PintoBean]

Ermagherd I got the most wonderful surprise today!!!! Flowers from Whiteflash!!! @Texas Leaguer @Vera W

I'm clearly not the only one smitten with the basket!!! (Pics below)

Despite the dreary weather it's been a wonderful day in general. I woke up at a decent time this AM (the human side is subduing the vampire side of me lololol ). I had my therapy session and Bahahaha as I was entering, a mean girl I went to HS with was exiting. Ya'll would be proud that I refrained from being a smart aleck (I was tempted to point at my head with my index finger and ask her what's broken).

I then went to buy yarn that was on super sale and was able to tack on a coupon! Then I was notified about the flowers . Yayayayaya!

As you can see, PintoBean and her kitties are ALL basket cases (play on the flowers being in a basket) and crazy about the flowers!


Again, a thousand thank you's to Whiteflash for thinking of me!!!

 

[yennyfire]

Aww, what a lovely, thoughtful thing for Texas Leaguer and Vera to do! Somehow, flowers (and bling!) always manage to cheer me up!

I'm proud of your restraint with your former classmate as you were leaving therapy. I'm not sure I could have been so mature! As for the guy seemingly with friends to spare, remind yourself that he may be feeling totally alone, despite being surrounded by people.

I hope that you continue to have a good week PB!! Sending hugs!

 

[AGBF]

The flowers are beautiful! Very sweet of Vera and Texas Leaguer and you deserve them!

Deb

 

[MissGotRocks]

What a wonderful surprise! Whiteflash rocks! Nothing as uplifting as a beautiful basket of flowers. So glad you had a good day!!

 

[azstonie]

I hope your therapist's office has 2 doors, so your high school classmate may now exit that way. Most ethical counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists do so to avoid blowing patient confidentiality and putting vulnerable patients in a position to be mocked, ridiculed and gossipped about.

 

[marcy]

Beautiful flowers. That was so thoughtful from Vera and Bryan. I am glad the flowers brightened your day.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[PintoBean]

I hope your therapist's office has 2 doors, so your high school classmate may now exit that way. Most ethical counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists do so to avoid blowing patient confidentiality and putting vulnerable patients in a position to be mocked, ridiculed and gossipped about.

Nope... I swear I'm in backwards land. Let's see a few weeks ago, I walked into the same building as my reflexologist was walking in - she was on her way to the optometrist. I actually think one of my husband's friend's wife works for that optometry chain and rotates offices and that is the same office in her rotation. I've kinda given up on anonymity in life. I've been to Hawaii and run into someone I know.

I've never been in a medical office with multiple entrances. There is usually one to the building and one to the office. Multiple entrances and exits would definitely allow for more discretion, but I think the spaces come at a premium and aren't big enough to accommodate two doors. Anyways, when I encountered the patient before me exiting I just said "hi" out of habit as i would crossing paths with anyone... A friend referred me to this therapist and she had run into the same patient before. It is what it is. I'm glad she's working it out because that's progressive of her and proactive.

I've run into gals from my HS since 2004 at the gym, train station, etc, and no one ever acknowledges me. Although I didn't look like 95% of my classmates, I was quiet in school, so I didn't really stand out. Add an 80 lbs weight gain, and my face looking 10+ years younger than my peers, I guess that makes me even more unrecognizable. In fact, a couple guys introduced themselves to me and shook my hand at the HS reunion after party.

 

[cmd2014]

I hope your therapist's office has 2 doors, so your high school classmate may now exit that way. Most ethical counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists do so to avoid blowing patient confidentiality and putting vulnerable patients in a position to be mocked, ridiculed and gossipped about.

That's not a standard thing here (most psychologists/psychiatrists/social workers practice out of standard medical offices with a waiting room and a single entrance/exit). Is this maybe something that is common outside of North America?

Here, patient confidentiality means that the therapist will not disclose personal health information about the client without the client's consent. It is not a guarantee that no-one will ever see you going into or coming out of their office. Plus, it's generally assumed that if you are in treatment, you will not be gossiping or mocking or ridiculing anyone else who is, either. Most mental health care providers try not to schedule people who might reasonably be expected to know each other close together in time (like people with the same employer). They also do not see multiple members of the same family or people who have close relationships with each other for treatment due to boundary issues, so that tends to minimize this issue as well.

 

[Matata]

I've never been in a medical office with multiple entrances.

The only one I've been to was the cosmetic surgeon. I suppose it's not an issue if people know you're seeing a mental health professional but we always want to keep 'em guessing about whether we've had a little work done

 

[canuk-gal]

I hope your therapist's office has 2 doors, so your high school classmate may now exit that way. Most ethical counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists do so to avoid blowing patient confidentiality and putting vulnerable patients in a position to be mocked, ridiculed and gossipped about.

I've always believed the idea was to reduce the stigma associated with mental health. Or ANY health issue. Open doors potentially reduce barriers. But, here, segregation?

For things we can't see (brain health) and things we can see (physical health). Barriers? Nothing to tell or conceal.

 

[valeria101]

Wouldn't make a righteous army out of patients ...

[different culture: ilness is feared by default, seeking treatment honored - the sum works out]

 

[AGBF]

That's not a standard thing here (most psychologists/psychiatrists/social workers practice out of standard medical offices with a waiting room and a single entrance/exit). Is this maybe something that is common outside of North America?

Here, patient confidentiality means that the therapist will not disclose personal health information about the client without the client's consent. It is not a guarantee that no-one will ever see you going into or coming out of their office. Plus, it's generally assumed that if you are in treatment, you will not be gossiping or mocking or ridiculing anyone else who is, either. Most mental health care providers try not to schedule people who might reasonably be expected to know each other close together in time (like people with the same employer). They also do not see multiple members of the same family or people who have close relationships with each other for treatment due to boundary issues, so that tends to minimize this issue as well.

In my experience only classical psychoanalysts make an attempt to segregate clients/patients/analysands from each other. Often the analysts do not have two doors, but do not use shared waiting rooms and try to time visits so that people do not encounter each other. Even this is not a hard and fast rule.

 

[Crazie4Cuts]

Thinking of you today PB. Wishing you well and those pick-me-up flowers from WF was so thoughtful!! I am glad to see your kitties enjoying them too!

 

[PintoBean]

Yesterday was difficult. The insurance agent verified that the explanation for denying the accidental insurance benefit was corroborated by the ME's report. Even though I wasn't surprised, it still sucked the life out of me. I couldn't fall asleep until 5AM the night before my meeting with the insurance agent and when I got home I ended up taking a 4 hour nap in the evening.

I also have lost momentum when it comes to sorting through DH's clothing. I know his work shirts hanging in the closet should be washed and donated... I am keeping his jeans and casual shirts and sweaters and PJs and undies - stuff I can wear. It's almost been a year since his alcoholism came to light and turned our lives upside down. I am so very tired. A year of irregular sleep that got exponentially worse when he passed away. It hasn't alll been bad this year. I've made wonderful friends through PS who've supported me on and off PS. And so I rise...

 

[elle_71125]

Yesterday was difficult. The insurance agent verified that the explanation for denying the accidental insurance benefit was corroborated by the ME's report. Even though I wasn't surprised, it still sucked the life out of me. I couldn't fall asleep until 5AM the night before my meeting with the insurance agent and when I got home I ended up taking a 4 hour nap in the evening.

I also have lost momentum when it comes to sorting through DH's clothing. I know his work shirts hanging in the closet should be washed and donated... I am keeping his jeans and casual shirts and sweaters and PJs and undies - stuff I can wear. It's almost been a year since his alcoholism came to light and turned our lives upside down. I am so very tired. A year of irregular sleep that got exponentially worse when he passed away. It hasn't alll been bad this year. I've made wonderful friends through PS who've supported me on and off PS. And so I rise...

I'm sorry to hear about this turn of events. It's a shame that insurance does everything possible not to pay out. It was an accident. Having alcohol in his system shouldn't negate that. It just punishes the people left behind.

 

[lovedogs]

ugh Im so sorry Pinto. What a pain. I can't believe that the insurance can somehow deem it not an accident simply due to alcohol. That is ridiculous! Especially for many "functioning" alcoholics, who would almost always test as having alcohol in their system. Doesn't mean it wasn't an accident, and certainly doesn't mean that it should be used as an excuse to not pay the family! This just makes my heart hurt for you.

 

[Matata]

PB, I'm hoping the next hand you're dealt comes up all aces. Hugs.

 

[MollyMalone]

A general fyi for @elle_71125 and @lovedogs : the insurance company has not paid out nothing; they fairly quickly sent PB a check representing 2 x her husband's salary, which is what was due under the traditional life insurance policy he had as an employee benefit; it's the additional, accidental death pay-out (sometimes called "double indemnity") they've denied. Every accidental death-dismemberment insurance policy/rider (appreciably cheaper premiums than traditional life insurance because the coverage is not as extensive) has exclusions for scenarios that we all would consider accidents, but which the AD&D insurance policy declares are not covered. My AD&D employee benefit policy does not cover, for example, death or injury resulting from risky behavior, such as a fatal fall while mountain climbing & those attributable to "bodily disease or malfunction," such as a heart attack while behind the wheel of a car; intoxication or the ingestion of illegal drugs (or Rx meds in excess of the prescribed dosages) are very typical exclusions.

How I wish with all my heart, PB, that you were spared having to grapple with this stomach and sleep wrencher on top of everything else! As part of the processing of this with your therapist, you might consider whether you want to confer with a lawyer to learn more about an internal appeal, arbitration, and/or litigation (how many of these avenues are open to you, and in what order, should be in the policy if not the denial letter). The reason why I mention the possibility of such a preliminary conversation with a lawyer is because this actually may not be an open-and-shut scenario. There is quite a bit of scientific literature and expertise (and particularized case law) that an attorney who specializes in such matters could perhaps draw upon to your eventual fiscal benefit. But pursuing a claim will take emotional energy over a period of time that could be protracted & you might very well decide that is reason enough to not contest the denial, even if the legal specialist is optimistic.

Hope you continue to feel how we all are rooting for you! Tender hugs & smooches ~ Molly

 

[PintoBean]

A general fyi for @elle_71125 and @lovedogs : the insurance company has not paid out nothing; they fairly quickly sent PB a check representing 2 x her husband's salary, which is what was due under the traditional life insurance policy he had as an employee benefit; it's the additional, accidental death pay-out (sometimes called "double indemnity") they've denied. Every accidental death-dismemberment insurance policy/rider (appreciably cheaper premiums than traditional life insurance because the coverage is not as extensive) has exclusions for scenarios that we all would consider accidents, but which the AD&D insurance policy declares are not covered. My AD&D employee benefit policy does not cover, for example, death or injury resulting from risky behavior, such as a fatal fall while mountain climbing & those attributable to "bodily disease or malfunction," such as a heart attack while behind the wheel of a car; intoxication or the ingestion of illegal drugs (or Rx meds in excess of the prescribed dosages) are very typical exclusions.

How I wish with all my heart, PB, that you were spared having to grapple with this stomach and sleep wrencher on top of everything else! As part of the processing of this with your therapist, you might consider whether you want to confer with a lawyer to learn more about an internal appeal, arbitration, and/or litigation (how many of these avenues are open to you, and in what order, should be in the policy if not the denial letter). The reason why I mention the possibility of such a preliminary conversation with a lawyer is because this actually may not be an open-and-shut scenario. There is quite a bit of scientific literature and expertise (and particularized case law) that an attorney who specializes in such matters could perhaps draw upon to your eventual fiscal benefit. But pursuing a claim will take emotional energy over a period of time that could be protracted & you might very well decide that is reason enough to not contest the denial, even if the legal specialist is optimistic.

Hope you continue to feel how we all are rooting for you! Tender hugs & smooches ~ Molly

Thank you for taking the time to explain. We are so many pages deep in this thread lolol. I'm not sure if i can pursue this bc the BAC from 3 different sites were almost 4x the legal limit. This makes me so stomach sick. If you recall, I heard him go in and out the front door a few times. This means door slam 1 is exiting to car. Door slam 2 is re-entering to throw back vodka to calm Monday jitters. Door slam 3 is exiting to the car.

He also slept most of Sunday which meant he had enough vodka in the morning and afternoon to make him pass out. Then he'd surely be awake and anxious for Monday work at 130AM and refuel again. Sometimes if he was super anxious he'd top off at 330AM.

He was also tapering off Lexapro (per the GP) bc it wasn't helping his depression and anxiety and was another stressor on his liver. He had gone from 15mg to 10mg at that point with his taper. I don't think the lexapro tapering played a part Bc he drank like this with or without the same amount of lexapro.

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, I'm so so sorry.... (((Hugs)))

Reading your post makes me think you may feel like you could done something. Honey, there is nothing you could have done. If he didn't drink at home, he would have stopped someplace and bought vodka. If I learned anything this past year it's you really can't save someone, no matter how hard you try and how much you want to. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this. I'm sorry

Hugs, Callie

 

[lovedogs]

Thanks @MollyMalone ! I wasn't remembering it correctly, so I appreciate the clarification.

 

[lovedogs]

Pinto, I'm so so sorry.... (((Hugs)))

Reading your post makes me think you may feel like you could done something. Honey, there is nothing you could have done. If he didn't drink at home, he would have stopped someplace and bought vodka. If I learned anything this past year it's you really can't save someone, no matter how hard you try and how much you want to. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this. I'm sorry

Hugs, Callie

This, 10000000000 times.

 

[PintoBean]

FYI - I'm not going to pursue this legally bc the contract is quite clear and I'm ok financially, and morally it feels wrong to when he had that much alcohol in his system and I thank god every day that no one got hurt by the accident. I worried every time he drove...

 

[lovedogs]

I'm happy that no one else got hurt, but @PintoBean there was NOTHING you could have done. NOTHING. Even if someone had gotten hurt (thank goodness they didnt!), it would be 100000% not your fault. None of this mess is your fault, including his drinking and alcoholism in general.

We all love you!

 

[Calliecake]

You were a very good wife @PintoBean Everyone here knows that and Mike knew it. Honey, Mike was sick.

 

[arkieb1]

I'm so deeply sorry you have had to go through all of this, sending lots of virtual hugs your way.