I'm a widow

[MollyMalone]

P.S. It's occurred to me that if you were to decline to serve as Executor, one of your in-laws is probably who's named in the will as the fall-back Executor -- which seems unlikely to be a plus for you.

But you still don't have to "go it alone" as Executor (or Administrator if there is no will). A law firm could be retained to handle many of the tasks (a firm's seasoned paralegal would be billed out at a lower hourly fee than a lawyer's time), thereby freeing you from time-consuming tedium & conferring some emotional distance from both the probate proceedings and your in-laws.

 

[PintoBean]

I'm not sure if there are truly any more assets to go over. We just had the house in both names. His bank accounts are emptied. His car is totaled. One 401k that I'm named beneficiary of. One Tiaa fund that 50% goes to his parents.

 

[ringo865]

Do you get to claim insurance for the totalled car?

 

[MollyMalone]

I'm not sure if there are truly any more assets to go over. We just had the house in both names. His bank accounts are emptied. His car is totaled. One 401k that I'm named beneficiary of. One Tiaa fund that 50% goes to his parents.

This Syracuse law firm has put together and posted for the benefit of the general public a great little handbook, An Executor's Guide to Estate Administration in New York State, which gives a nice description (informative, but not ridiculously detailed) of what else there is to do, beyond taking inventory of the estate's assets.
http://bhlawpllc.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/NYS-Executors-Guide.pdf

I know my enthusiasm for the idea of shedding at least some of the drag of probate stuff is (a) because after surviving a heart attack, I'm much more into making life easier for myself than I used to be, and (b) because of how easily exasperated/aggravated I could get after my mother's death. E.g., I remember one day, following my return to the office following her death, my secretary came in to gripe to me about another member of the support staff. I told her, "I bet you two can work it out, but if not, you'll need to go to HR; this isn't something I'm going to get involved in." When what I really felt like doing was leaping over the desk and shaking her while yelling, "Do you think I give a rat's ass about your petty dispute over who should replenish the paper in the copying machine?? I'll tell you what's important: my dear mother is DEAD!!" So I bet I would have chafed, perhaps also become despondent, at spending the time, attention, and energy required to be an executor. I'm grateful I didn't have to do it then (and don't have to do it now).

But I realize you're not me & you may feel differently. One of my brothers-in-law told me he considered it an honor that he was the first executor named in his mother's will & he refused to delegate any of the responsibilities, other than preparing her individual and estate tax returns, because that "wouldn't be doing right by her."

 

[PintoBean]

Do you get to claim insurance for the totalled car?

From what I understand liberty mutual has a 3rd party assess value of the car based on recent comps pre accident value and cuts me a check.

@MollyMalone - not to be naive but do I have to file to be administrator since DH passed intestate and everything goes to the spouse with no kids in NY? I learned nothing in trusts and estates class lolololol.

 

[Slickk]

If I recall the assets automatically should be transferred to the spouse. Since you have the death certificate, that is all you'll need to notify agencies. You shouldn't even need to file probate. I am not a lawyer but I handled my parents' deaths and estates and I'm in your state.
Many hugs to you for all you've had to endure.

Edited for clarification

 

[MollyMalone]

* * * @MollyMalone - not to be naive but do I have to file to be administrator since DH passed intestate and everything goes to the spouse with no kids in NY? I learned nothing in trusts and estates class lolololol.

I think so,** although I'd be happy if the Surrogate's Court says Nope. But sounds as if you may be able to take advantage of the much more abbreviated and informal Small Estates procedure; it's cheaper ($1 initial filing fee), faster, a lot less paperwork. Here's the link again to introductory info about that:
https://nycourts.gov/courthelp/DIY/smallEstate.shtml
Your home doesn't count towards the Small Estates cap of $30,000 since you and DH were, I'm assuming, joint tenants/tenants by the entirety. And IIRC -- remember criminal law is my niche -- insurance policies and retirement accounts with any individuals (i.e., not "my estate") named as beneficiaries don't count towards the cap either because those pay-outs are considered debts of the estate, not assets.

Here's the phone directory for the Nassau County Surrogate's Court. I'd suggest calling (or stopping by) the Intake Department for Administration, the department that handles intestacy administration, and ask for clarification as to the need to proceed with intestate administration. There's also a phone number for the Small Estates department on the roster.
https://www.nycourts.gov/courts/10jd/nassau/surrogates_directory.shtml

OR if you'd like, I'd be happy to make a phone call asking if administration is necessary.

** ETA If there were a will naming you as the only beneficiary, there would still be a Surrogate's Court proceeding even though no one else would end up inheriting anything. And because the children of a person who died without a will are entitled to a share of the estate distribution, the courts have an understandable interest in seeking to ensure that there are indeed no children whose rights should be recognized. Even more fundamentally, I think they want a modicum of assurance that there is not a will which is being ignored.

 

[PintoBean]

I think so,** although I'd be happy if the Surrogate's Court says Nope. But sounds as if you may be able to take advantage of the much more abbreviated and informal Small Estates procedure; it's cheaper ($1 initial filing fee), faster, a lot less paperwork. Here's the link again to introductory info about that:
https://nycourts.gov/courthelp/DIY/smallEstate.shtml
Your home doesn't count towards the Small Estates cap of $30,000 since you and DH were, I'm assuming, joint tenants/tenants by the entirety. And IIRC -- remember criminal law is my niche -- insurance policies and retirement accounts with any individuals (i.e., not "my estate") named as beneficiaries don't count towards the cap either because those pay-outs are considered debts of the estate, not assets.

Here's the phone directory for the Nassau County Surrogate's Court. I'd suggest calling (or stopping by) the Intake Department for Administration, the department that handles intestacy administration, and ask for clarification as to the need to proceed with intestate administration. There's also a phone number for the Small Estates department on the roster.
https://www.nycourts.gov/courts/10jd/nassau/surrogates_directory.shtml

OR if you'd like, I'd be happy to make a phone call asking if administration is necessary.

** ETA If there were a will naming you as the only beneficiary, there would still be a Surrogate's Court proceeding even though no one else would end up inheriting anything. And because the children of a person who died without a will are entitled to a share of the estate distribution, the courts have an understandable interest in seeking to ensure that there are indeed no children whose rights should be recognized. Even more fundamentally, I think they want a modicum of assurance that there is not a will which is being ignored.

Yes @MollyMalone if you could make that call for me that would be great. I really appreciate all your help!

 

[MollyMalone]

Will do! But I won't be calling the court until later on in the day 'cause I'll be in meetings for much of tomorrow.

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, I'm so sorry to hear about your dog.

You continue to be in my thoughts.

Sending you comforting thoughts and prayers for continued strength.

 

[PintoBean]

MollyMalone talking about legal stuff made (is that a lightbulb?) go off! I'm in a FB Phi Alpha Delta reunion group for the pre-law chapter i was a member of in undergrad. I posed the question of needing legal guidance whether referrals or next steps in my county. One of my pledge sisters indicated that I need to do a letter of administratrix in my county and that it's easy to do by myself. Another estate planning attorney chimed in. OMG the last time I saw HER I was mooning over a college ex bf (a close friend of hers when she dated HIS frat brother) and she was visiting as an alumnus invited to our formal. 17 years later and I still .

 

[december-fire]

the last time I saw HER I was mooning

Read this far and thought

Oh, "mooning over" ... OK.

 

[PintoBean]

I was crying before because I have to ask for help. I distanced myself from the pre law fraternity after undergrad bc I got hurt by the typical shenanigans that happen when you mix boys and girls together in a group with too much alcohol and you throw in an ex boyfriend into the mix. As my neighbor B noted, I run away whenever I get upset. I guess it's a lifelong theme. I ran away from the bulk of the group save a handful of people.

I hate having to ask for help. It's easier with anonymity in PS. It is very difficult in real life for me. I like helping. I usually help. I suggest potential solutions for other people's problems. I don't expect much from others. Neither did DH. We enjoyed helping others when we could. We hated seeing people upset.

I am past the sleepover hurdle - yay! Other than the initial weekend when Mike's younger cousins slept over, only my friend from high school has slept over for a night on 2 occasions. I felt embarrassed asking over FB for someone to sleep over, but my need trumped any shame. PSers were more responsive than my friends and family in real life. And if PSers couldn't sleep over they clearly explained why, as opposed to my friends and family who just stand silent or invite me to their homes instead even though I explained that I cannot predict my capacity to drive for that day since my sleep is inconsistent.

My neck has been itching again so I took a hydroxyzine (12.5 mg) last night and hot dang I fell asleep after 2AM and woke up at 130PM! My late lunch of reheated bagel gave me a tummy explosion so I didn't end up going to any July 4 Gtg with friends and went to my neighbor's for a hamburger and hot dog lolol. I came home and dozed from 9-1130pm yeesh! So here I am after 2AM waiting for hydroxyzine to kick in again and praying I don't wake up after noon. I have to get a form notarized tomorrow and look into getting a bank safe. I'd like to travel one day and would feel better if my bling were in a safe if I were to hire a cat sitter.

 

[TooPatient]

Glad you got some sleep!

I am another who HATES to ask for help but am always right there when others need. I can imagine how difficult it has been for you asking -- especially with so many IRL not stepping up.

Great you are getting a bank safe and thinking about what you would like to do. That is so great! (btw, when you feel up to traveling I would love to see you! Come on over to the Seattle area and we can eat chocolate almond croissants, drink yummy wine, and do whatever else sounds fun at the moment.)

 

[PintoBean]

Late start again today lololol! Hopefully a few more days and my rash will be gone and I won't need the hydroxyzine!

Medical release form notarized and scanned and sent to insurance company.

Safety deposit box opened at bank yay!

Now time to work on that resume! My friend texted me about it today. I'm hoping it's on my husband's laptop!

 

[MollyMalone]

WOOHOO, I was wrong! What the Nassau Surrogate Court Clerk's Office told me is that there's no need for a spouse to start an Admininstration proceeding or fill out the Small Estates forms so long as all the assets were jointly held and/or have individual persons named as beneficiaries.


P.S. She asked about cars, to which I simply said "I don't think that's a concern here." She went on to say that many couples have 2 cars nowadays, and it's not uncommon for just one spouse to be the title holder of one car, with the other spouse holding title to the other. If the decedent's car is worth more than $25,000, then the spouse would need to launch (depending on the kinds and worth of other things) Small Estates or Administration proceeding; if less than $25,000, she said there's an easy DMV form to transfer title to the spouse.

 

[PintoBean]

WOOHOO, I was wrong! What the Nassau Surrogate Court Clerk's Office told me is that there's no need for a spouse to start an Admininstration proceeding or fill out the Small Estates forms so long as all the assets were jointly held and/or have individual persons named as beneficiaries.


P.S. She asked about cars, to which I simply said "I don't think that's a concern here." She went on to say that many couples have 2 cars nowadays, and it's not uncommon for just one spouse to be the title holder of one car, with the other spouse holding title to the other. If the decedent's car is worth more than $25,000, then the spouse would need to launch (depending on the kinds and worth of other things) Small Estates or Administration proceeding; if less than $25,000, she said there's an easy DMV form to transfer title to the spouse.

I did do the car form for the transfer of title so that's done phew!

I'm not sure if Mike's individual bank accounts had a named beneficiary. I'm looking over the letter of administrator form right now. The funeral cost reimbursement for liberty mutual the claim rep seems to think there is some letter needed but she's going to check if it truly is needed in this situation.

Ugh... lolol.. thank you for looking into this for me!!!

 

[minousbijoux]

So for a bit of perspective, honey, if you were charting your progress, like its some super challenging mountain climbing trip, of slogging through the morass of shite that comes with Mike's death, from your grieving, to making it through the services/memorials and all the reams of paperwork you must do, you hopefully can see that you have made a huge amount of progress. You might not be through it all yet, but you should be damn proud of the mountains you've climbed already.

Yay Pinto, Yay, Yay! Oh, and hey I just realized that one typo from your name results in Pinot. It must be a sign!

 

[marcy]

Hi Pinto, been thinking about you. That is great you are making progress on the paperwork and settling things. I hope your rash goes away quickly. Take care.
Marcy

 

[PintoBean]

Btw @MollyMalone Im less than enthusiastic about taking any advice from my pledge sister bc A) she talks to fast and seems to never listen clearly and B) I will never forget how she laughed about throwing a dog in a carrier when she was drunk and throwing the carrier down the hall bc the dog that they failed to house break pissed or pooped somewhere and her drunk ass stepped on it. Oh, it's ok bc when she let the dog out of the carrier it licked her foot.

Again she was half listening ...We talked quickly about how mike had a DBA but no income came in since 2011! So when I asked her again if I truly had to fill these forms out she said, "but you said he has a business..." I think this is why I'm reluctant to ask people I know in real life for help. PSers are so thorough... I've had enough for today lololol. Cleaning lady couldn't come last Saturday so she's coming tomorrow.

Running to the bank to open a safety deposit box, getting that notarized form over to life insurance company, working on my resume and talking to this attorney today really killed my appetite tonight. I was feeling hungry but didn't want to eat anything. I slammed back a chocolate shake when I was thirsty lolol. Plus my neighbor came to check out my bathroom exhaust fan and the good news is that there's no mold and the fan was easily removable. The bad news is that the setup is just resting on Sheetrock ceiling and the fan exhausts inside my house Bc it's not connected to a vent pipe. Hmmmm... no wonder the builders were doing a perp walk on the cover of the newspaper a few weeks ago. Corruption in the county - hurray!

Still waiting for my carpenter to have time to come back and finish my exterior wood work. The frequent rain has derailed his work schedule so that on dry days he's stuck at work for longer than usual hours. Meh... I need the work completed for my sanity. Incomplete projects give me anxiety. But the reality is there's no harm if he doesn't replace everything before winter. Just my mental state is at harm Bahahaha!

I woke up from a nap scratching at my neck joy! It's not easy having a neck rash and being sweaty and sticky in the summer. I slathered on steroid tonight. Joy...

 

[valeria101]

Let there be chocolate ! It is working fine for me too this morning ... worked yesterday & more. I am giving in for the week & not longer. Sundays are great for breaking bad food habits with an interesting dinner.

Yes, things do sound better from your writing - not that this is saying much, versus the Hell of a couple of pages ago

 

[Queenie60]

Wishing you the best PB - you're in my thoughts every day. Keep your chin up, you're making progress. And bless you Molly Malone for helping our girl!

 

[freezing_in_MO]

Hi Pinto,
I'll apologize in advance for sounding preachy. Please don't be upset about asking for help. Given the numerous people that you and your husband have helped, you've bottled up too much good karma. Think of the joy you get from helping others, and remember that you are spreading it around.

I hope you get good, thorough help. I can see why you would be annoyed to ask for help, only to get a half-assed job in return.

Do you like Parmesan cheese? It's an excellent source of sodium and good cheer

 

[tand*m]

Hi PintoBean,
I am so sorry for your loss. As a young widow myself (2 years ago, in my mid-30s, also tragic car accident in inclement weather) I know how inadequate those words are but I don't know that any other words would be adequate either.

I know I have not been an active poster on PS and actually came across your post when I was looking for memorial ring inspiration. Apologies in advance if any of this oversteps boundaries, I mean this with the best intent.

Clearly PS is a great means of support for you, which is great. Early on I found a young widows forum (widda.org) which was very helpful to me especially at 3am.

I also found bogleheads.org to be a helpful forum in thinking about estate issues, financial planning with a changed budget, etc.

I read through all 35 pages of this thread and continue to admire your humor and honesty in the face of having your world inverted, and having to deal with the less helpful players in your life. The below suggestions are just things you may want to consider when you feel up to it, not meant to add more unwanted things on your plate.

From a financial perspective you may want to consult with a CPA in the next few months. Mine filed what is called a form 706, essentially to document the step-up in basis of the house (we were community property in CA; not sure if it applies to you) and preserve the estate tax exclusion. It did require getting a valuation letter from a realtor so there are some additional steps involved. I have a child so the considerations for my estate planning might be slightly different. They told me my form 706 needed to be filed within 9 months of my husband's accident so there is some time but it is also very trying to go through essentially another tax return. For me the benefits outweighed the hassle, but ymmv.

Have you considered social security to see if you are eligible for benefits? Based on your professional status and income from this year you may not be eligible now (phases out starting at 15k), but there may be something you can draw on for the future. I do not receive a benefit but my child does. I thought the appointment would be terrible but actually found the clerk to be knowledgeable and sympathetic and able to clearly communicate the policies. I understand the phone system is much worse though, so setting an in-person appt may be more productive.

Biggest of hugs to you. Continue to hydrate and take deep breaths when you can. I also have the feeling that my previous life was like a movie; so surreal. You are not alone and there are people out here pulling for you. Everyone has their own grief journey and it takes different paths (rarely linear) and amounts of time, but I can tell you it does get better. Everything is so different but I am able to function at a much better level at 2years out than I was in the early days of widow fog. there is no wrong way to grieve. Most of all, be kind to yourself.

Hugs,
T

 

[yennyfire]

Tand*m, I'm so sorry for your loss. How thoughtful of you to take the time to share the benefit of your wisdom with PB. It sounds like you have found some good support mechanisms....I hope that our dear PB will as well.

PB, I get how hard it is to ask for help. It's funny (ironic) that you commented that PSers seem more reliable than folks you know IRL. I've often had that thought. People here seem so much better educated, more open minded, considerate, etc. It really makes this such a special community. I am sorry that your neck is still itchy...itching is so irritating and relentless! I hope you have total relief soon!

How's the resume writing going?

 

[PintoBean]

Oh @tand*m - I am so so sorry that you've gone through a similar journey as well. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I know your words not only give comfort and provide guidance to me, but to many others as well.

And... now all I can do is utter a bunch of expletives #%^**+ not at you, but for any hurt that any of you darlings have ever had to endure. I want to cast a wide dbty net with excellent cut melee around all my PS guardian angels and let the sparkles heal the hurt.

I woke up later than intended and once I remembered the cleaning lady was coming at 3 I bolted straight up in the air and somehow landed on my feet! I was hungry and I wanted an egg sandwich. 3 delis later (1 stopped serving in the PM, one closed permanently, and the last one phew!) I got my sandwich and an iced coffee, ate, and did some light straightening up. Luckily I had done major straightening up on Saturday but my cleaning lady canceled on me. She explained that she had a lot of people over Saturday and had to go home bc her SIL's husband died in a car accident in a nearby village. Shit! I didn't even know what to say. I just stared at her blankly.

While she was here I packaged up forms and attachments to send to liberty mutual for the medical and funeral expense reimbursement. Fingers crossed I did it right and get something back!

The forms plus resume editing messed with my stomach again so I went over to see my neighbors and told them I'm stressed. My neighbor started massaging my shoulders lightly (she's an LMT), but being an ass i of course had to stick my leg out and start shaking it like a dog does when you scratch a good spot and ask if I should start purring too and the massage turned into a smack on the arm . They agreed to go out to dinner with me. We had a great time and I ate so much my stomach hurt. Had we not gone out it would have been like last night- wait till im thirsty and trick myself into chugging a shake.

My SIL was being a hot mess and canceled today's lunch plans bc she was going to C. Going to C means she's getting a hair dye job. Right now it doesn't feel good to get blown off for a dye job. Maybe a blow job i could understand . Then she wanted to do 5:00 dinner. Then she said it has to be somewhere in between us bc she's coming from C town. Then she didn't like the million suggestions I made. Finally I just canceled. I couldn't take it. I was getting more anxious than excited.

My MIL texted me Hi PB we have been thinking of you... Let me know when you would like to go to A or any other restaurant... Btw I was at TJ Maxx and they had some very nice and reasonable items...

Hey lady... maybe I'd have some money to shop at TJMaxx with if you'd fork over the other 50% of my husband's retirement fund... . I didn't say that I only thunked it.

I can't be alone with them. My cup runneth over with hot hot lava...

Oh my mom emailed me pics of her and dad at the golf course. That's on top of periodically texting them to me and her telling me that the ball is big and I can hit it for sure!

 

[Matata]

her telling me that the ball is big and I can hit it for sure!

I've had a shitastic day and am ready for some smack down so how's about you text your mom a pic of some nice big hairy man-balls and tell her if you're gonna hit any balls, they better be capable of giving you a toe-curling hole in one.

 

[MollyMalone]

@PintoBean -- it was my pleasure! The woman who answered the phone at the Nassau County Surrogate's Court Administration intake desk was super nice, seemingly keenly interested in being of assistance. A very different experience (and happily so) than dealing with, say, the Kings County Supreme Court, Civil Term Clerk's Office.

While she was here I packaged up forms and attachments to send to liberty mutual for the medical and funeral expense reimbursement. Fingers crossed I did it right and get something back!

Fingers of everyone here are fervently crossed for you!

~ G'night from your "cousin Molly" (yeah, that's what I claimed to be in my phone call to the Surrogate's Court. 'Cause I'd be delighted and proud to have you in my family )

 

[PintoBean]

I've had a shitastic day and am ready for some smack down so how's about you text your mom a pic of some nice big hairy man-balls and tell her if you're gonna hit any balls, they better be capable of giving you a toe-curling hole in one.

I have a feeling you might be my REAL mama! We talk alike! And we have cats...

 

[Queenie60]

Wishing you a great weekend PB - thinking of you.