I'm a widow

[freezing_in_MO]

Hello PB,
You should be proud of standing up for yourself. I know it's hard to do that with parents.
I'm thinking of you and admiring you, even though we have never met. You must be a wonderful friend to have so many wonderful friends.

 

[PintoBean]

I apologize - I'm so aggravated I'm just going to screenshot what I told my friend instead of recapping.

 

[PintoBean]

Pinto died at home a few hours ago. I missed the call. I'm glad she got to pass at home and her mom (Bean) is there to understand.

What a year, my first cat, my husband and now my dog... yet those 86 year old curmudgeons keep on rocking in my neighborhood!

 

[elle_71125]

Pinto died at home a few hours ago. I missed the call. I'm glad she got to pass at home and her mom (Bean) is there to understand.

What a year, my first cat, my husband and now my dog... yet those 86 year old curmudgeons keep on rocking in my neighborhood!

I'm so sorry. It seems like you can't catch a break lately.

 

[valeria101]

Damn ugly times !

You have not chosen those two. From what you are saying, they do not need you either. You are stronger than I am, however, two more burdens on top of three add up to five too many.

I am so very sorry ...

 

[PintoBean]

It's so absurd that I can't even get upset anymore. I'm just focused on feeding my cats dinner and then giving my laptop a once over and packing it up. UPS picks it up tomorrow.

 

[Garnetgirl]

Dear PintoBean,
I'm so sorry to hear your latest sad news. Everything that has happened to you seems more than one person should have to bear.
Though I've only posted here once before, I've been thinking of you, and checking this thread a couple of times every day, to see how you are doing.
You are handling your situation very well. Maybe that's why your parents expect so much from you. Perhaps they don't realize the ups and downs you are experiencing, and how draining it can be.
I hope that things turn around for you soon, and wish you all the best.

 

[tyty333]

Oh pinto, I'm so sorry about your dog. This is way more than you should have to deal with at once. I wish I could wrap you up in a little cacoon and protect you from all the emotional turmoil you are having to deal with.

 

[Calliecake]

I'm so sorry Pinto. Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

 

[Phoenix]

I'm soooo so so so sorry, PB. Words fail me!!

 

[PintoBean]

I'm so ready for interviews, "what's one of your best qualities and give me an example of it?"
I'm resilient! My first cat, husband and dog died this year and I still manage to shit, shower and shave and make it to this interview in a timely fashion.

 

[cmd2014]

PB,

So sorry about Pinto and about your parents. Tell them you can't stay over to take care of their dog(s?) because you have your own fur babies to take care of, and that's all you can manage right now. And I like your interview answer. Can't argue with what's true.

 

[TooPatient]

I'm so ready for interviews, "what's one of your best qualities and give me an example of it?"
I'm resilient! My first cat, husband and dog died this year and I still manage to shit, shower and shave and make it to this interview in a timely fashion.

You are resilient! And able to manage difficult situations with grace, humor, strength, humbleness, and so much more. Any company would be lucky to have someone with all those skills. The challenges keep being thrown to you and you just keep on managing.

I am so sorry for your latest loss. The furry ones bring so much love and cause so much pain when they leave us behind.

As for your parents, I may not be in a great place to offer anything more than hugs in that area. I went to visit my grandparents today and saw my mom and her ex-husband (my had been "step-father"). Apparently they thought I was nothing but a pain and a problem as I was growing up and never helped in any way. Nice. (Btw, as far from the truth as you can get but they were both so drunk they probably don't remember who did half of the cooking in the house and much of the cleaning.) So.... yeah. Sometimes you have to just take some time away to remember that parents are people too. Or recognize genuinely poor behavior and decide if it is bad enough to just walk away.

Sorry for the ramble/rant. Hope that makes some sort of sense to you.

 

[valeria101]

I'm so ready for interviews,

Sure bet !

... only a boss endowed with deeply thick skin & sense of humour might stand a chance through your interviewing them !

You are ready for anything.

 

[missy]

Oh honey I am so sorry about your dog Pinto.

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm so sorry, Pinto! My parents, at times, displayed some truly shameful behavior toward me as well, and it's extremely hurtful. Just thank your lucky stars you're not like them.

 

[RosieR]

I'm so very sorry PintoBean.

Pinto died at home a few hours ago. I missed the call. I'm glad she got to pass at home and her mom (Bean) is there to understand.

What a year, my first cat, my husband and now my dog... yet those 86 year old curmudgeons keep on rocking in my neighborhood!

 

[CareBear]

Sigh... I can't believe you are forced to deal with so much at once PB. It really isn't fair!

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, I second what Jamabayla said. Just be thankful you are not like your parents honey. You are a good person Sweetheart.

 

[lyra]

I'm so sorry for all the losses you've faced this year. I hope you can manage to hold on to your magnificent sense of humour, and take time out for self care. I am side-eyeing just about everyone in your family right now. You are a wonderful, strong, caring woman and you are an inspiration to many here. Please take care. Huge hugs.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I am so sorry about the loss of your dog. It does seem like a really unfair twist of cruelty right now but it sounds like he was saved from more pain and discomfort. I know it is sometimes hard to take comfort in facts like those but you would be hard pressed at this time to deal with his prolonged sickness and eventual death. I don't mean for this to sound callous; just think you are understandably on emotional overload and anything else protracted would just be difficult for you and your pup. That said, I've lost furbabies and know how deep the pain cuts - hugs to you and the kitties - hope you are able to do something enjoyable for the 4th with friends!

 

[freezing_in_MO]

Very true!

I'm so ready for interviews, "what's one of your best qualities and give me an example of it?"
I'm resilient! My first cat, husband and dog died this year and I still manage to shit, shower and shave and make it to this interview in a timely fashion.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I am so sorry about Pinto. Big hugs.
I hope it makes you feel less alone to know that so many of us here have/had parents who clearly sucked. I am sorry they can't get over themselves to be there for you. You are so resilient, and I think it is fair to say, that pretty much everyone here thinks that you are amazing.

 

[PintoBean]

I asked my FIL for a scan of the funeral receipt so that I can send it to the insurance company. Apparently, I can get reimbursed up to $1,000 for the funeral cost, if I'm reading the forms right.

He sent me the scans and an email rehashing the breakdown. 2/3 of the cost was paid out of the life insurance benefit and my in laws paid 1/3 of the cost and $1,000 for flowers. He broke it down in the email. He also said that this doesn't take into account the cemetery mausoleum nook cost for the ashes.

Is it petty of me to want to just be like, please take care of the arrangements and send me the bill? I'm sick of this - the struggle to move past death versus living. BIL has his wife and kids, SIL although the oldest is a needy baby and leans heavily on her parents. My MIL and FIL have each other.

I have to keep the in laws at arms length. I don't have the clearest head right now and I don't have someone immediately around me to protect me from them and from myself. They also know how tumultuous my relationship is with my family and it's quite obvious I don't have anyone (ummm just me and no family at the wake (well half of it) and funeral) and I know they are grieving and emotional and they may "unintentionally" exploit these vulnerabilities of mine.

Only I can protect myself...

 

[valeria101]

Use a professional wake stand-in ... If it is not a custom to use them yet, I can tell you it does catch quickly. [only half joking - I have been called on for such a gig & did it too]

Your last sentence is so right - you sure can !

 

[MissGotRocks]

This may not be what you want to hear at this time Pinto but the easiest way to be exploited is to show vulnerability. I understand not wanting to deal with the funeral expenses and details but you were his wife and the first line in taking care of all of it. It sounds like the FIL is breaking it down to show you where the money went. I know it is very distasteful business but necessary none the less. Just keep this transaction strictly business and don't show emotion in it. You have more to go with them in terms of the retirement so don't present yourself to him as weak or emotionally unable to deal. That's when and where you could be exploited IMO.

 

[yennyfire]

Aww PB! So very sorry about your sweet pup! It's so unfair! You've had to deal with more than any one person should.

And damn your "family" in-laws and parents for making things even more difficult!

You ARE ready to rock those interviews and get a kick ass new job!! You've got this!!

 

[CareBear]

My guess is FIL is doing the whole breakdown of funeral expenses because of the whole issue with the retirement plan money. He's trying to prove that he's spending money and not just receiving it. It is quite insensitive of him to do so, but he probably does not even realize that it is causing you additional grief. Try not to see things as "I don't have anyone to protect me and therefore the in-laws are taking advantage". I don't think that is their intent. Besides, you are strong and don't need anyone's protection!

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, Unfortunately everyone's emotions are still very high and everyone involved had a different relationship with Michael. Add to this that people handle grief in their own way. I'm giving your FIL the benefit of the doubt that he just wanted you to know where the money was going. It doesn't like he is intentionally trying to hurt you. Your in laws are trying to come to terms with losing their son. People are human and he would not be the first person to do something they might otherwise not do if they weren't grieving. When dealing with extremely painful situations involving family, I learned the hard way that not saying what you are thinking at that very minute is often the smart thing to do. People often see things clearer when they sleep on something or have time to reflect on the situation.

 

[MollyMalone]

dear PB, as the daughter of a trusts and estates lawyer, I'd like to offer another perspective on the itemized statement your FIL prepared and sent: that he thought you should have a complete accounting for one or more reasons. E.g., because he thinks the insurance company, which you anticipate will cover up to $1000, will want to be assured that not all the costs have already been paid for/reimbursed by another insurance policy, that no one is trying to "double dip." Also, reasonable funeral-interrment expenses are considered a proper debt of the estate (i.e., payment or reimbursement made from estate assets) -- and may be deductible by the estate in the unlikely event estate taxes are owed to the IRS and NYS.

If, because your husband's will (if there is one) named you as the Executor of the estate, part of that role is maintaining such particularized records. I don't know where you are in the probate process, but please know, that you don't have to serve as Executor -- and you could opt out even if initial paperwork has already been filed with you as Executor. My father died not long ago, and although his will named my brother and me as executors, we declined to take on this responsibility and hassle. We are paying for the privilege of not having to deal with it ourselves, but we decided it was -- and still is (probate not yet wrapped up) -- well worth it.

Perhaps that's an option you too might consider as a gift to yourself.