I'm a widow

[Karl_K]

checking in to see how your doing.
Thoughts and prayers continue!

 

[PintoBean]

I got a widow invite to a Moana themed Chilean food 6th birthday party!

 

[Puppmom]

I hope those are very large Jell-O shots!

 

[PintoBean]

I am so... so lonely.

 

[Matata]

I am so... so lonely.

Join a group, volunteer to walk or read to dogs a shelter. If you have organizations near you that help abused women or need child advocates, sign up. Find someone(s) who are lonelier, less fortunate, shut-in and gift them with your shining personality and warm heart. Help fill the holes in someone's life and that good will come back to you by the bucketful.

 

[arkieb1]

I was going to suggest a similar thing like take up a hobby that you enjoy or perhaps something new and challenging to do when you are on your own.

 

[mochiko42]

Just stopping by for a virtual 'drive by' hug! Thinking of you PB!

 

[luv2sparkle]

checking in with you Pinto. Hugs and prayer for you. Maybe check out some of the young widow blogs the Tand*m posted. That is not a substitute for relationships I know but maybe helpful in hearing what others did on their own journey.

I am also one who helps and yet hates asking for help. I hate to bother people. Friends consistently tell me that they are grateful to be able to help and it is actually a blessing to them. A lot of people, like us, like to help but often don't know how. So when we ask, they are so glad to be able to actually do something that does help. I try to remember that now, and let my guard down a little.

 

[tand*m]

Oh PB. Biggest of hugs to you.

It was (and still is) so ironic that the crushing loneliness can be present regardless of how many people are in the room. So sorry you are in the thick of this.

A lot of friends asked what they could do and I ended up telling them, I didn't need any help immediately but I might need to call on them 6 months or a year out (or more). This was also a big departure for me as typically I am the one helping. Honestly I felt the biggest thing that they did for me was to include me in things just as they had before. It helped me feel less lonely even though I did not manage to make it out very often. I am glad you had an invitation to the Moana party and went.

All of these suggestions are good but it is also completely ok to not do anything for a while, whatever feels best for you in the moment.

The young widow board also has a chat room and lots of people are on there or on the board on weekend evenings especially. Despite my insomnia I have not yet managed to find the end of the internet in my nighttime time-wasting endeavors.

All the virtual hugs to you.

 

[TooPatient]

PB, hope you were able to sleep and are feeling okay enough to eat some.

My relative who lost her husband as a younger woman posted recently about how she had a hard day. They come out of the blue at her still even a couple of years after. She said the first year was worst that way -- her first Christmas without him, her first birthday, his birthday, the day they would have left for that trip, the weekend they always went to some event -- but some still pop up and take her by surprise with how much she still feels the pain -- anniversary of his death, wedding anniversary, birthdays, and even just random days.

 

[freezing_in_MO]

Thinking of you, PB.

Have you seen the movie "Keanu"? I saw the trailer, and it seems really cute and funny. It's about a gangster kitten!

 

[lovedogs]

We love you so much, PB!!!!!

 

[PintoBean]

@TooPatient - this is actually comforting to know. Sometimes I beat myself up for getting upset. Now I won't feel so cray cray or "weak" when things hit me down the line.

@freezing_in_MO - I love the Keanu trailer lolololol! I've seen The beginning and the end of the movie but missed some of the middle. I had my husband watch it end to end and he liked it.

@lovedogs and all my international guardian Angels (haha Charlie you only had THREE Angels at a time!) I love you all too!!! Do you know that this significant event in my life has been less devastating than breaks ups I've had in the past or other random shitty moments bc I've had all of your kind words, wisdom and support? I have not been self destructive, as I've found myself to get in the past when something awful happened. I've contemplated/thought of doing self destructive things, like approaching people who were damaging when they were a part of my life in the past. But I'll either talk it out with someone who's online (my Aussie angel @jordyonbass) or someone will just text me at the right moment (like last night my cousin @Tacori E-ring ) or randomly when I'm feeling despondent the phone rings and its a friendly voice.

Tomorrow I see my shrink again after having last Monday off. I have to be careful bc I have a tendency to razzle dazzle and say I'm ok when I'm not. I may have to start taking notes on things that challenged me that I responded to in a way that I found worth discussing during the week Lolol. I tend to forget the "bad" stuff during good times but I want to work on my issues so I don't repeat undesirable behavior or responses to things. (I'm generalizing of course ...)

I sent off my resume to my friend tonight yay! Tomorrow I plan on contacting the accountant about my husband's Oppenheimer fund (got a statement on Friday and was like oh this thing wtf do I do with it? It does have the accountants contact info on it lolol...) and check with the accountant if there are any actions I need to take soon with regards to the IRS...

 

[MissGotRocks]

So glad that your PS family has provided some measure of comfort to you. I can only imagine the nightmare that your life was turned into in the blink of an eye. I think you have done a phenomenal job with it all and we encourage you to get on with it in the most loving of ways. Yay for sending off your resume and continuing to deal with the issues regarding money, etc. These are all steps in the right direction for you and I know it forces you to do things that you are not comfortable with or would really rather not be assigned to do. However, you have soldiered on and I admire your determination through the cobwebs! I think that writing things down in the week prior to your doctor meeting is a wonderful idea; funny how we can feel something, move through it and somehow forget that it was a big issue in just a few days. This 'diary' would afford you the most benefit from your visits and again, I see this thought process as great progress for yourself. It may not feel like it at least half of the time, but you are doing a great job in processing all that has been handed to you. Please just keep talking to us and accepting our 'motherly' words of wisdom and advice - you know we only have your best interests at heart!!

 

[minousbijoux]

So glad that your PS family has provided some measure of comfort to you. I can only imagine the nightmare that your life was turned into in the blink of an eye. I think you have done a phenomenal job with it all and we encourage you to get on with it in the most loving of ways. Yay for sending off your resume and continuing to deal with the issues regarding money, etc. These are all steps in the right direction for you and I know it forces you to do things that you are not comfortable with or would really rather not be assigned to do. However, you have soldiered on and I admire your determination through the cobwebs! I think that writing things down in the week prior to your doctor meeting is a wonderful idea; funny how we can feel something, move through it and somehow forget that it was a big issue in just a few days. This 'diary' would afford you the most benefit from your visits and again, I see this thought process as great progress for yourself. It may not feel like it at least half of the time, but you are doing a great job in processing all that has been handed to you. Please just keep talking to us and accepting our 'motherly' words of wisdom and advice - you know we only have your best interests at heart!!

Really well said. Great idea to jot things down. It helps process them, helps you keep track of them for the shrink, and is a great record for you to see what you've slogged through and the progress you're making.

 

[yennyfire]

Sending virtual hugs PB! So glad that you went to the Moana party. I'm sure it takes a lot of strength and effort to get yourself out the door some days, so I'm proud of you for going! And it's awesome that you got your resume completed and sent to your friend.

I understand the whole "feeling lonely in a crowd" thing. I am an extreme introvert who actually doesn't appear that way when I meet people. However, I find it exhausting. Groups of new people scare the crap out of me. When at a party, I tend to walk around, helping to collect plates or make sure the platters are full...I'm just not good at the art of chit chat and my memory stinks, so I tend to forget the details that people told me when I initially met them (where they're from, what they do for a living, etc.). Since I don't want to seem like I've forgotten because I don't care enough to remember, I won't make a point of chatting with those people when I see them again. My point is, even without the devastating loss you've had, I can understand how hard it can be to motivate yourself to get out and join a new group or try a new activity. Do what you can, when you can. Reaching out like you have to neighbors and friends is amazing. Some online support groups may also be helpful, as there's comfort in anonymity. I continue to be in awe of you and am totally in your corner. ((HUGS)).

 

[lovedogs]

Writing down stuff your your therapist is an excellent idea. I've done that myself, because I also tend to pretend I'm "fine" when I am certainly not. And when I try to remember stuff it doesn't always work, since sometimes there are hard moments at the beginning of the week that are kind of forgotten by the end. So I 100% approve of that plan

 

[jordyonbass]

So glad we have been able to help PB, even if it's just a goofy message to make you laugh!! I still remember the morning you told me and it really hit home for me because I couldn't imagine losing my partner the same way.

You still need that holiday I keep telling you to take!

 

[PintoBean]

I got a disappointing update but not a surprising one. But on the plus side I got an appetite for dinner and had a big girl dinner of takeout pasta - penne in oil and garlic with broccoli rabe and sausage

 

[marcy]

Hi Pinto Bean, don't be hard on yourself for having bad days. I lost my mom 4 years ago next month then my dad 5 months after that - I still have horrible days of anger, loss and sadness. I don't think there is a time limit on grief.

I think keeping notes with things you want to discuss with your counselor is a great idea.

Glad to hear you are having a big girl dinner tonight. Enjoy.
Marcy

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I'm always just a phone call away...

 

[ame]

I am so... so lonely.

I really wish I was nearby.

 

[Begonia]

Pinto - I've been following along with your journey.

I can't begin to know the level of your pain after the loss of your DH. I can only relate to you my experience after the loss of my Mom. We were so close. Perhaps too close because I got stuck in the grief of her loss and still struggle at times.

These are early days for you though and you are still very much in the grip of it. When I was feeling so very lonely that I just couldn't take it, I got out and did something, as others have suggested. I would have to drag myself certainly but after being distracted for a while, things seemed a bit more manageable once I got home,

I haven't read the entire thread but perhaps you could join a group for people who have lost loved ones? I did that for a while too. It has to be the right mix of people I found, but worth a try?

Lastly, when I miss her more than I can bear, more than I can take for even one more minute, I do this. I sit someplace very quiet and private and close my eyes. The bridge to her and her to me is our love for each other. I sit and just dwell in my love for her. I feel her love back. I can't see her or hear her or talk to her, which is soooooo frustrating but I feel a connection. It's all I have now for a relationship - that and the memories.

As Ame said, I think we all wish we were there, but ultimately I have found grief to be a journey we walk mostly alone. One day at a time, sometimes even 1 minute at a time.

 

[PintoBean]

This is tough for me to talk about because I'm kinda talked out about it lololol...

If you recall, end of last week I freaked out when I got the TIAA retirement fund statement and saw that 50% was gone, but when I checked with the customer service rep, they indicated that upon notification of death, the named beneficiaries' portions are automatically carved out and placed in a temp account. In that case, I had to give everyone the benefit of the doubt that no actions were taken without notifying me what the in-laws opted to do (after my asking repeatedly what their intent is). Welppp, yesterday, I called TIAA and got a hold of the beneficiary rep, and she let me know that their 50% was SETTLED, and while she could not let me know what action they took, she let me know that they did NOT renounce their 50% to me. WTF - settled means they talked to her, filled out the paperwork, mailed it, and it was processed. Some friends suggested calling and letting my in-laws know that I know that they've acted and want to know which direction they went. I said I could not call them yesterday because I knew that i couldn't talk without popping off. The shrink asked if I have a tendency to set expectations high for people and then get disappointed and depressed. Yes I did. She pointed out that Michael was treated as a second class citizen and I'm not Michael, and if I recognize what these people are, then I shouldn't expect more. Exactly. While I would man up and say this is what I did if I were in their shoes, they're not me, and they can be timid and passive to the point of causing chaos. All I can do is say maintain my boundaries.

I went to see the benefits guy Rob who's helped me a lot through the new widow process lolol. I got a presentation on financial advising today. I think i learned about stocks and bonds. I got to eat a chicken cutlet sandwich there for lunch LOLOLOL! When I told Rob what happened, he asked if my in-laws didn't like me. IDK, they acted like they did hahahahaha. He said he's seen so much strange behavior over the years when it comes to death. Anyways, he had previously suggested I get the 401K out of Mike's company because it might not exist in the near future BAHAHAHA... I know they've been trying to make moves for years so I agreed that that would be prudent so we got the paperwork going to roll it into an IRA. He also suggested that I put in an application for disability insurance and see what the quote looks like. I did that too. I also let them know that i don't want to put my parents down as my beneficiaries because if they predecease me I have to update all over again, and what I'd like to do is protect my cats and have my money go to their care if they're around or donate it somehow for cats. Ugh small world - one guy that's in the office has known my MIL for 30 years on a professional basis. I won't be dealing with him, but I made it clear that I want none of my business being handled by the company she works for, which they said won't cross paths at all for my situation.

When I got home I ended up calling my MIL at work on the pretext of oh heyyy... I saw your buddy at Rob's office! She let me know that they had selected the nook for Mike's ashes. I said, oh, the ashes are back? She said yeah, don't you remember FIL asked if you wanted them and you said no? Ummm... he asked if I wanted them generally not like he had them... So this is flipping retarded. They selected the nook in the mausoleum, got the inscription, but they didn't place the ashes in there because they wanted to get family scheduled to go there together. Then there's an opening fee. OK - this is f@#$ed up on so many levels. First, I offered to pay for the cemetery place and she said they already paid for it, so I asked how much? She said she doesn't know right now. I offered to reimburse and she didn't respond. Oh, when I reminded her who Rob is, I made a point of emphasizing that HE was the man who kindly helped me get the 2/3 funeral cost CARVED OUT OF MY BENEFITS CHECK before it was issued. I then asked her if they got in touch with the TIAA benefits rep, and what option did they go? She didn't recall at first, but then remembered that after a few weeks of back and forth FIL got through to her and it's all done. She said that they got a big hit of 30% in taxes. That's it. Didn't even say if the money was coming to me or not.

OHHHHH and she told me that I can't keep staying home like I'm in a crypt and getting more depressed (huh?) and that everyone's having a hard time. I just said it's a new normal. And she replied, well, it's new for sure but I wouldn't say it's normal. (Get your head out of your ass lady). What's really funny is that I suspect that she's projecting her wild imagination of a grieving widow onto me, and my purposely pulling back on posting on my FB gives this impression that I"m even more down and out. Frankly, i wasn't going to post sh!t like, "Heyyy... I skipped your Sunday family get together and ate too many cheese fries with gravy with my girl friends and then went to a really fun part of my friend's town and bought store made dolmades, stuffed matcha bubble tea on top of the fries in my tummy, and got matcha cheesecake (to die for!) and a berry napoleon to go!!!! And it was FUN and really nice that my friends made that time for me. BC if I'm having fun I bet they'd be like murmur murmur murmur she's moved on quickly. So frankly, none of your bee's was, SUCKAS! Also, I've gotten confirmation that my whack job SIL - the crazy one married to my BIL is a FB stalker bc after I posted about sending the realtor Tate's cookies as a thank you, she just sent me a box from Tate's today. I haven't opened it yet... it's funny. She's the one reaching out out of that bunch now that my husband's dead and she's clearly the "winning" DIL/SIL bc her twin husband is alive and she's got her self-proclaimed "golden ticket" children. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I can't wait to invite them all to my wedding one day... (even if I'm only marrying myself!)

 

[december-fire]

Geez, Pinto, I've read and re-read your post and got nothing.
No words of wisdom, advice or comfort.
Sorry.
Just shaking my head.

I swear funerals and weddings bring out the most bizarre behaviour in humans (who can be quite perplexing even on a normal day).

Michael picked you as his wife.
Blood relatives aren't selected.
You were choosen. You were his partner.
You should be calling the shots.

That said, everyone has their 'unique' way of behaving and making decisions, and your in-laws' decisions are impacted by the loss of their son.

Just wish they'd make different choices.

Keep posting. Keep seeing your 'shrink'.
Keep putting one foot in front of the next.

Sending hugs and hope that things will get less aggravating for you.

 

[Matata]

The only thing that kept running through my mind as I read your most recent post is that you don't have to have anything to do with them anymore should you choose not to.

 

[arkieb1]

Honestly with the way they were behaving from the start I suspected that your FIL intended on keeping any money going towards them and not giving you any of it. I'm not sure what their financial situation is or isn't but I got the impression from the outset they were planning on keeping it. I guess when it comes to money I always assume the worst in people, including relatives. Hopefully they will prove me wrong but I'm not counting on it.

I'm deeply sorry they are A-holes - I am thinking of you & the kitties!!!

 

[minousbijoux]

Shit, its like a double loss. Losing Michael is enough, but now you have to contend with the loss of the trust/relationship you had built over the years with them. Its just a lot of loss at one time. Ultimately, its great that you don't have to deal with them any more, blah, blah, blah, but it should've been on your terms - not because they went and stole assets that were rightfully yours.

You, my dear, are racking up major karma points - that's all I got.

 

[TooPatient]

So... I wouldn't reimburse a penny of those expenses. They chose what they wanted without any consideration to you and your wishes. Forget that. If they want a niche, let them pay. If they want family to gather, let them pay. (Unless you want to do something different with his ashes in which case TELL them to hand them over to you and F off!)

Glad you have someone helping you through the accounts. That is a big thing.

My other thoughts were not nearly as nice. How dare they treat you that way.

 

[PintoBean]

Oh I forgot to mention (sieve brain) that when she was talking about coordinating schedules for the cemetery, I was like huh, wtf, she hasn't been coordinating with ME!!! Oh yeah just the widow... I bet you it's poor SIL's schedule bc she works 3 days a week and other SIL's schedule bc she has grandkids and isn't working during the summer as a teacher.

(Can you see me, pelvis thrusting hands in parallel making "suck it" gesture?)