Smith1942|1389758365|3592993 said:aljdewey|1389740701|3592761 said:I wasn't really trying to scare her, but IF you want the option of kids, if you're 33 and still have yet to go through a divorce, you don't have oodles of time, when you work it out: First, you have to meet someone, then it takes quite a while to date and decide if they're the right person for you. Many people - not all, of course - want to be married first and then, ideally, have at least a little time together before the rigours of raising kids takes over. Meeting someone and going through the dating process can take a few years.
That has to be one of the worst reasons I can think of for proceeding to marry someone who is otherwise not right for you.
Not to mention, it ensures that when the ill-fated union does eventually crumble (as it nearly always will), there are kids involved paying the consequences for selfish actions of the parents.
There are many ways to have children these days (adoption, IVF, freezing eggs, etc) that extend the timeline to doing so, IF that's what one really wants.
One of my closest friends did this - at 27, she thought she had to settle for opportunity she had in front of her (WRONG GUY) because "time was running out." Ask me how happy she is - hasn't turned out well at all.
I can't imagine later saying to my kids (if I had them) "well, i'm sorry you have to go through this. I settled for your father even though I knew he wasn't right for me because he was the most viable option I had to bear children. For me, it would feel selfish to prioritize my desire to have kids above the future kids' need for a happy and healthy home life.
I was not, in any way, advocating that she should stay in a bad marriage just to have kids. I think you know that. In my original reply to the OP, I was urging her to think things through. That seems like pretty good advice when considering something as serious as divorce. The part that you quoted out of context, Aldjewey, was not advice to the OP but my reply to Gypsy saying that 33 is still young. I agree with that, but I still think it's not that much time to meet someone, date, marry, etc. IF kids is still a desired option in any way at all, given that meeting someone can take quite some timeWhy am I repeating myself?
I was also told to think before I spoke, that I shouldn't give advice without knowing the backstory. Well, plenty of other people here on this thread have done just that and not been told they should do a bunch of research before daring to reply. The OP had over three thousand posts and I do not usually go searching through someone's many posts before answering them. The OP gave a lot of info in her first post. I had no idea there was a backstory. How would I know that I had to search? And why, anyway? The OP knows her story and can decide for herself and I am sure she doesn't expect each poster to know everything about her story when she posts on a public forum. It is not my usual practice to read a ton of back posts before replying and I don't think that people expect that. If I start a thread, I give as much info as is needed in the first post, and the OP gave plenty. I wouldn't expect others to spend time going through my back posts and I'm sure she doesn't.
I do think that people on the Internet are way too quick to advocate divorce. Maybe it IS right in this case. I've qualified my advice by saying that quite a few times. I wouldn't know for sure if it's right as I don't have time to read three thousand posts. I was giving her other sides of the story that no one else has, like asking her to consider if they can work it out because life after divorce isn't always easy either, and that careers finish and kids grow up so it's best not to put all your eggs in either basket, and because when these eras of your life end, you are left with your partner at the end of it all. Some people are telling her to divorce but she doesn't sound sure about it. I am wary about pushing someone firmly towards divorce. They should come to the decision on their own. They know best. I don't care if you are privileged to know the back story - you don't live with the couple. Only the OP knows if she should divorce or not.
I thought I was giving good advice but I've been told I shouldn't speak by at least two people and that I sound 1950s etc etc. That's a total lack of respect for what I have to say. Strangely, I am the only replier who's been told I should not have spoken before researching the OP. If I should have researched the OP, surely shouldn't everyone have done so who doesn't already know her story going back years?
And 1950s? Well, if more people attempted to save marriages maybe a third of people wouldn't end up regretting their divorce. Again, maybe divorce is right for the OP, but only she knows that.
I am utterly fed up. I'm done. I am unable to cope with repeated taking of posts in the wrong light on top of other life circumstances I'm dealing with, (which I have referred to on PS) not so much on this thread but others too. To clarify, I can't actually think of any one individual who does it, but there is just generally a lot of getting at others on PS - purposely taking posts in the wrong light so you have to explain yourself till you're blue in the face, bitchy comments, and more. For example, I started a lot of threads one week and someone bitched about that. And the real piece de resistance - one week in April 2013 I had a number of tragic events happen and someone called me "tacky" for being upset about them. Yes, Athenaworth, I did see that post before making the moderators take it down. Thanks to you, I haven't dared mention too much my ongoing grief about the most recent suicide in my life, which happened on December 5th, 2013, and which we found out about over the holidays. Our friend and our witness. Wedding witness, that is. I never replied to you, just had it taken down in shock, but that has got to rank as the bitchiest comment anyone has ever said to me, on or offline. I cannot imagine attacking someone who has lost a friend to suicide and had their city bombed in the same week, and who also has a dying beloved parent, which you knew were aware was recent news to me, as I had mentioned it in the post before you called me "tacky" for daring to be upset about these things. Shame on you. I often think certain things about people, but I keep those thoughts to myself. I'm also fed up with reading posters' negativity towards others. It's depressing. And my mother's terminal breast cancer is quite depressing enough thank you, as is my husband's illness.
I came here for some light relief, except it's anything but that these days. Ame's make up thread was a classic example. Because she wanted to buy a teen girl some makeup, one poster actually told her not to take out her "mommy" fantasies on this girl. Just imagine the hurt that remark would have caused Ame had she been desperate for kids but having trouble or had had miscarriages. Kenny's no longer here. PS is often a very negative place, despite my trying hard to keep a generally cheerful tone, and start interesting threads, and give support to those in need of it. Aldjewey was hell-bent on implying, in post after post, that I was socially awkward on my thread about whether you mind nosy questions from total strangers about your occupation. Turns out quite a few did mind the question - I wasn't the only one, but I was the only one that had those things said to me. I rebutted them time and again but I did have to tell her all about my network of friends all over Boston, my plaque in the local bar due to my constant socialising there, and our NYE party before she gave up on that one.
And here, since I'm the only replier here to be told I should have done lots of homework before speaking, when I typed out such a long, considered reply, I'm done too. I don't care if someone doesn't agree, but my advice was as valid as anyone's on a public forum. It was a considered reply aimed at saving a marriage if there was any chance it could be saved. Ultimately, she chose him to marry and I'm not going to show disrespect to the choice she made. However it turns out, I'm sure she made the choice she felt was best at the time with the information that she had. Divorce is her decision alone.
Even a thread asking Kenny to come back turned horrid. Like him, I cannot imagine why I bother, so that's it. There are lots of nice people here, of course, but I'm fed up with the abject nastiness that bubbles up.
I expect that Pricescope will have the distinction of being the only place I'll ever be called tacky for being upset about a friend's suicide.
Regarding this thread, as my boss would say, rearrange the following: Straw. Back. Camel's.
To the nice people: I'll miss you. To the others, who know who they are, you can bugger off.
OP, I really hope you find happiness, both personally and professionally. My last apology on Pricescope:
SORRY FOR THE THREADJACK.
Even though I am a fairly new PSer, I want to say that I agree with a lot of your observations and your replies to this thread. Please don't leave.