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Heartbroken and confused, some insight please

Discussion in 'Hangout' started by allycat0303, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. Kaleigh
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    by Kaleigh » Jan 14, 2014

    YES. And agree before speaking perhaps you read the back story.. ;))
     
  2. Smith1942
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    by Smith1942 » Jan 14, 2014
    Kaleigh and Gypsy you're right, I haven't read the back story. I just wanted to help her and it's a busy day, so I didn't go hunting.

    I wasn't really trying to scare her, but IF you want the option of kids, if you're 33 and still have yet to go through a divorce, you don't have oodles of time, when you work it out: First, you have to meet someone, then it takes quite a while to date and decide if they're the right person for you. Many people - not all, of course - want to be married first and then, ideally, have at least a little time together before the rigours of raising kids takes over. Meeting someone and going through the dating process can take a few years. I was single for ten years before I met my husband.

    I did say in my message a couple of times that some divorces are meant to be and she should divorce if that's what's best. You obviously know her story really well and if the relationship is abusive, then of course getting out is preferable, no matter what. I do believe the pool shrinks as you get older - I mean, so many people get married that it has to, right? - but if it's an abusive relationship of course she should not stay.
     
  3. Gypsy
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    by Gypsy » Jan 14, 2014

    She doesn't want kids. At least, not with him.

    As for pools shrinking. Not necessarily. Lots of people divorce from their first marriage. Pool opens back up.

    I appreciate you were trying to help, but I think maybe helping folks on topics such as marriage should be reserved for times when you can do some research instead of posting on the fly. Otherwise all you are doing is confusing, not helping. Which I know was not your intent. :wavey:
     
  4. Smith1942
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    by Smith1942 » Jan 14, 2014
    I know, you're right. She just sounded so, so miserable.

    About kids, didn't she say somewhere in this thread that she really enjoyed the work she did with kids and that possibly she might want them if she didn't feel so overwhelmed? And I've always held this mad theory that life can look quite different at opposite ends of your thirties, so it's a good idea to keep your options open, you know? But that's no reason to stay, of course, if it's an abusive relationship.
     
    


    


  5. Smith1942
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    by Smith1942 » Jan 14, 2014
    Ally, obviously others here know your story really well, so perhaps you should give their advice more weight than mine. I am so sorry that you're hurting. Just know that you have a great future ahead of you no matter what happens with this one relationship.

    Hugs. ((((Ally))))
     
  6. Gypsy
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    by Gypsy » Jan 14, 2014
    A bit of a threadjack but:

    I'm 38 and I gotta tell you, I LIKE being 38. I am smarter and healthier mentally than I ever was. I know who I am and what i want. Life is BETTER on the other side of thirty.

    As for the size of the dating pool. Lots of people get divorces from their first marriages. When they do, the dating pool opens back up.

    And honestly? Being alone? Is not bad. Really. I liked being single. There are a lot of advantages especially if you have a demanding career and very little free time. It's nice to come home and not have to perform for a partner and just BE.

    As for kids and Ally. She can't have them now anyway. And not for several years because of her career. So either way she waits. If she meets someone and they click and want kids. Then they deal with it down the line.

    Plus, she can divorce AND freeze her eggs now. Which would keep options open.
     
  7. movie zombie
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    by movie zombie » Jan 14, 2014
    thank you, Gypsy.
    my reaction to a post made w/o reading the entire thread or knowing the backstory had me seething due to how 1950's it sounded.
    ok, I've got to say it: there are worse things in this world than being single.
    there are worse things in this world than having to deal with bills on your own.
    there are a lot worse things.
    i'll stop there before I embarrass myself.

    eta: smith, thank you for admitting that perhaps your advice was not the one to listen to.....
     
  8. Smith1942
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    by Smith1942 » Jan 14, 2014

    Absolutely! I LOVED being single! I lived alone for a few years, and it was so nice. Loved my little flat, loved it. I turn (gulp!) the big 4-0 this year and I didn't fully appreciate what I had when I was single. Not that I'd change anything, but life is very different after marriage. Gained a whole new set of family dynamics, for a start.

    Anyway, I don't want to threadjack!

    Ally, keep us informed. You obviously have a great community of people here who care about you. Wishing you peace in your heart and in your decision. Love and hugs,

    Smith xxxxxxxxx
     
  9. Smith1942
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    by Smith1942 » Jan 14, 2014



    Sure xxx :wavey:
     
  10. dk168
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    by dk168 » Jan 14, 2014
    Not going to offer relationship advice, as my views are somewhat unconventional.

    Just like to wish the OP good luck and I hope you'll be able to come out of this smiling and feeling better for yourself, remembering that you deserve happiness, regardless whether you are single or being part of a couple. Be brave and follow your dreams, even if it means going solo.

    As for maternal instinct, some women, like myself, just do not have it, never have, never will.

    Do I miss not having a child? Yes, because I want to dress him/her in Baby Gap or other cute clothes for kids. :bigsmile: HOWEVER, it is much cheaper to buy a teddy bear and dress it up instead! :bigsmile:

    Joking aside, no, I do not regret not having children, because I am selfish, and do not wish to be tied down by children.

    With cat and dog, I can put them in the cattery and kennel from time to time when I go away without feeling much guilt. Can't imagine doing that with kids. :knockout:

    As for being single, I love it. I love not having to answer to anyone, or justify anything to anyone except myself, and I get to spend my hard earned money as I please.

    I have always valued my independence, even when I was in relationships. It will take a very special someone in order to tempt me back into a relationship.

    Again, good luck and hugs to the OP!

    DK :))
     
    


    


  11. iluvcarats
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    by iluvcarats » Jan 14, 2014
    [/quote]

    Gypsy always has great advice!

    Ally, I am sorry to read this as well as I have also followed your story for quite sometime. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I met my husband when I was 17, and we were together through all 12 years of medical school, residency and fellowship. (well we were married but I never saw him because he was always at the hospital) I couldn't even imagine doing both with a spouse you are unsure of. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that you deserve to be happy. Wishing you all the best.
     
  12. Smith1942
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    by Smith1942 » Jan 14, 2014
    Egg freezing is an excellent idea.
     
  13. aljdewey
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    by aljdewey » Jan 14, 2014
    That has to be one of the worst reasons I can think of for proceeding to marry someone who is otherwise not right for you. :blackeye:
    Not to mention, it ensures that when the ill-fated union does eventually crumble (as it nearly always will), there are kids involved paying the consequences for selfish actions of the parents.

    There are many ways to have children these days (adoption, IVF, freezing eggs, etc) that extend the timeline to doing so, IF that's what one really wants.

    One of my closest friends did this - at 27, she thought she had to settle for opportunity she had in front of her (WRONG GUY) because "time was running out." Ask me how happy she is - hasn't turned out well at all.

    I can't imagine later saying to my kids (if I had them) "well, i'm sorry you have to go through this. I settled for your father even though I knew he wasn't right for me because he was the most viable option I had to bear children. For me, it would feel selfish to prioritize my desire to have kids above the future kids' need for a happy and healthy home life.
     
  14. Kaleigh
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    by Kaleigh » Jan 14, 2014
    A bit of a threadjack but:

    I'm 38 and I gotta tell you, I LIKE being 38. I am smarter and healthier mentally than I ever was. I know who I am and what i want. Life is BETTER on the other side of thirty.

    As for the size of the dating pool. Lots of people get divorces from their first marriages. When they do, the dating pool opens back up.

    And honestly? Being alone? Is not bad. Really. I liked being single. There are a lot of advantages especially if you have a demanding career and very little free time. It's nice to come home and not have to perform for a partner and just BE.

    As for kids and Ally. She can't have them now anyway. And not for several years because of her career. So either way she waits. If she meets someone and they click and want kids. Then they deal with it down the line.

    Plus, she can divorce AND freeze her eggs now. Which would keep options open.
    +1
     
  15. dk168
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    by dk168 » Jan 14, 2014
    My mum and my elder sister had a heated argument, and before they stormed off into different rooms, my mum shouted at my sister that she wished she was never born, and my sister responded in kind by saying she never asked to be born.

    That kind of put me off children for life, as I do not wish to have such an exchange with my child, ever! :rolleyes:

    DK :))
     
    


    


  16. Tekate
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    by Tekate » Jan 14, 2014
    Hello.. I would like to say first that my sons (26 and 22) are my life, my little guys etc.. I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING :) in my life.. not one thing.. it all led here .. right now this moment :) I am happy.

    BUT that said.. there is the term CHILD-FREE and the term CHILDLESS.. to be child free just means you have a life and it doesn't involve children of your own.. I believe many people are child free and love kids, love their nieces and nephews, BFFs kids etc, but they are full, functional, well adjusted (okay who's that well adjusted but you get it I'm sure).. normal people.. who's life goals did not involve parenting.

    the childless person is a person who wants kids, can't have them, won't have them on their own, spouse doesn't want them but they do.. these people are sad, depressed, lonely and unhappy individuals and feel they have missed out on what life should have been..

    If one does not want to have children and be child-free I think it's GREAT... awesome... cool... perfect.. we only come around once we know of.. the childless people, it's very tough for them.. for them it's sad indeed.. so IF a person wants a child and a spouse/BF/GF/partner doesn't want it... get out.. I wanted kids my ex didn't I changed it all around for him... he cheated, I got pregnant and married to my husband now (it was the late 80s!) I had a career that I gave up gladly for my sons.. or rather because I much more wanted to be with them than to be 3rd line manager at IBM and I don't regret or look back.. it's all about choices... before I retired I worked for a well-known youth organization in the USA and I found year by year there were more stay at home fathers.. choices choices.. not everyone has them.. but if one wants a child one should not give up all love and reason and settle :) because of a spouse/etc...

    thanks for listening!


     
  17. House Cat
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    by House Cat » Jan 14, 2014
    A child should not be intentionally brought into a shaky and abusive marriage.

    That is all.
     
  18. dk168
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    by dk168 » Jan 14, 2014
    I am child-free and do not particular like kids, prefer cats and dogs, and have one each, they are my children substitutes! :bigsmile:

    DK :))
     
  19. movie zombie
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    by movie zombie » Jan 14, 2014

    QFT.
     
  20. Tourmaline
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    by Tourmaline » Jan 14, 2014
    I have been on the fence about joining in this thread, because I don't know the OP, but I realized that it makes me unbiased by past posts, so maybe my reaction is worth sharing. I am 37, and I am very, very married. Our marriage is our highest priority, and from it flow all other things (stability because of effort and love, children, careers). I had a bad long-term relationship before I met my husband, and I recognize a lot of those memories in the things you have said. From what I can tell from your posts, it seems you do not like your husband, do not respect him, do not want to plan a future with him, do not care how he feels and want him only because you don't have time to figure out a different life. That's not fair to him OR to yourself. If you haven't been a wife to him (which would have meant loving and caring for his needs as if they mattered), how can you be surprised that he isn't happy with you? As a bystander here, it seems abundantly clear to me that you two do not belong together, and to hold each other back from the possibility of alternate lives, is the wrong choice. You have not had children together, which is great, because you two are grown-ups and will get over it once you stop trying so hard to fight nature.
     
  21. bliss_cathy
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    by bliss_cathy » Jan 14, 2014
    Allycat,

    Just a thought, given that some people were recommending this to other posters, but maybe go back yourself and read your old posts, you have years of 'diary like' entries in PS that you can reflect upon. Maybe this will help give you some insight and help you order your thoughts a bit more. It may also help you understand your own personality more as well.
     
  22. lyra
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    by lyra » Jan 14, 2014
    Allycat, it's up to you whether you decide to keep going down the same path, or whether you change directions. It's the 21st century and women don't need a boyfriend or husband to have children. You can freeze your eggs if you want the possibility of having a child down the line, or just wait a few years and see how life turns out. You're young! You still have your full life ahead of you. But you only get one life. Choose wisely and don't waste it. Best of luck.
     
  23. Tourmaline
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    by Tourmaline » Jan 14, 2014
    I second bliss_cathy's suggestion to read through your old topics/posts. I just had a look around there and there seemed to be quite a lot of venting and frustration about just about everything in your life. It is very clear that you are and have always been married to your career path, and that your husband has frustrated/angered you more than not. Maybe the anonymous nature of the forum allowed you to vent more openly than you would have if the readers had been people you encountered in real life, or maybe you haven't had happiness in a *really* long time, if ever. I hope you find the right path.
     
  24. Gypsy
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    by Gypsy » Jan 14, 2014
    WORD.
     
  25. Munchkin
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    by Munchkin » Jan 14, 2014
    Oh Ally, Ally, Ally. I'm sorry, but I'm not surprised.

    There was a big chunk of time in the past few years that I forgot all about the world of Pricescope. Once I stumbled upon it again one of my first thoughts was "I wonder if Ally is still married?" I actually checked to see if you had posted about a divorce.

    Now before people assume I'm a crazy creeper, I've been a lurker here for a looong time. Back in the day, this place had PM capabilities and Ally and I talked back and forth quite a bit about her relationship troubles and Medical dreams (you were still at Uni then)

    Even back then I tried to tell you that wanting to be perfect together doesn't make a couple perfect together. You two have been through (pardon my language) crap over the years. There have been malicious things said and done, racial issues, break ups, make ups et al. Now, there have been times he's stepped up to the plate (fighting for your residency slot, accident, etcetera) but there have been so many more tales of sadness, unkindness and inability to respect the other's opinion.

    You two have been together for YEARS. How much of that time has truly been happy?

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you are different people who have only grown more apart over time.

    Regardless of your decision, make the best decision for YOU because you deserve happiness.
     
  26. movie zombie
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    by movie zombie » Jan 14, 2014
    good to see you, Munchkin!
    :wavey:
     
  27. Smith1942
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    by Smith1942 » Jan 14, 2014
    I was not, in any way, advocating that she should stay in a bad marriage just to have kids. I think you know that. In my original reply to the OP, I was urging her to think things through. That seems like pretty good advice when considering something as serious as divorce. The part that you quoted out of context, Aldjewey, was not advice to the OP but my reply to Gypsy saying that 33 is still young. I agree with that, but I still think it's not that much time to meet someone, date, marry, etc. IF kids is still a desired option in any way at all, given that meeting someone can take quite some time. Why am I repeating myself?

    I was also told to think before I spoke, that I shouldn't give advice without knowing the backstory. Well, plenty of other people here on this thread have done just that and not been told they should do a bunch of research before daring to reply. The OP had over three thousand posts and I do not usually go searching through someone's many posts before answering them. The OP gave a lot of info in her first post. I had no idea there was a backstory. How would I know that I had to search? And why, anyway? The OP knows her story and can decide for herself and I am sure she doesn't expect each poster to know everything about her story when she posts on a public forum. It is not my usual practice to read a ton of back posts before replying and I don't think that people expect that. If I start a thread, I give as much info as is needed in the first post, and the OP gave plenty. I wouldn't expect others to spend time going through my back posts and I'm sure she doesn't.

    I do think that people on the Internet are way too quick to advocate divorce. Maybe it IS right in this case. I've qualified my advice by saying that quite a few times. I wouldn't know for sure if it's right as I don't have time to read three thousand posts. I was giving her other sides of the story that no one else has, like asking her to consider if they can work it out because life after divorce isn't always easy either, and that careers finish and kids grow up so it's best not to put all your eggs in either basket, and because when these eras of your life end, you are left with your partner at the end of it all. Some people are telling her to divorce but she doesn't sound sure about it. I am wary about pushing someone firmly towards divorce. They should come to the decision on their own. They know best. I don't care if you are privileged to know the back story - you don't live with the couple. Only the OP knows if she should divorce or not.

    I thought I was giving good advice but I've been told I shouldn't speak by at least two people and that I sound 1950s etc etc. That's a total lack of respect for what I have to say. Strangely, I am the only replier who's been told I should not have spoken before researching the OP. If I should have researched the OP, surely shouldn't everyone have done so who doesn't already know her story going back years?

    And 1950s? Well, if more people attempted to save marriages maybe a third of people wouldn't end up regretting their divorce. Again, maybe divorce is right for the OP, but only she knows that.

    I am utterly fed up. I'm done. I am unable to cope with repeated taking of posts in the wrong light on top of other life circumstances I'm dealing with, (which I have referred to on PS) not so much on this thread but others too. To clarify, I can't actually think of any one individual who does it, but there is just generally a lot of getting at others on PS - purposely taking posts in the wrong light so you have to explain yourself till you're blue in the face, bitchy comments, and more. For example, I started a lot of threads one week and someone bitched about that. And the real piece de resistance - one week in April 2013 I had a number of tragic events happen and someone called me "tacky" for being upset about them. Yes, Athenaworth, I did see that post before making the moderators take it down. Thanks to you, I haven't dared mention too much my ongoing grief about the most recent suicide in my life, which happened on December 5th, 2013, and which we found out about over the holidays. Our friend and our witness. Wedding witness, that is. I never replied to you, just had it taken down in shock, but that has got to rank as the bitchiest comment anyone has ever said to me, on or offline. I cannot imagine attacking someone who has lost a friend to suicide and had their city bombed in the same week, and who also has a dying beloved parent, which you knew were aware was recent news to me, as I had mentioned it in the post before you called me "tacky" for daring to be upset about these things. Shame on you. I often think certain things about people, but I keep those thoughts to myself. I'm also fed up with reading posters' negativity towards others. It's depressing. And my mother's terminal breast cancer is quite depressing enough thank you, as is my husband's illness.

    I came here for some light relief, except it's anything but that these days. Ame's make up thread was a classic example. Because she wanted to buy a teen girl some makeup, one poster actually told her not to take out her "mommy" fantasies on this girl. Just imagine the hurt that remark would have caused Ame had she been desperate for kids but having trouble or had had miscarriages. Kenny's no longer here. PS is often a very negative place, despite my trying hard to keep a generally cheerful tone, and start interesting threads, and give support to those in need of it. Aldjewey was hell-bent on implying, in post after post, that I was socially awkward on my thread about whether you mind nosy questions from total strangers about your occupation. Turns out quite a few did mind the question - I wasn't the only one, but I was the only one that had those things said to me. I rebutted them time and again but I did have to tell her all about my network of friends all over Boston, my plaque in the local bar due to my constant socialising there, and our NYE party before she gave up on that one.

    And here, since I'm the only replier here to be told I should have done lots of homework before speaking, when I typed out such a long, considered reply, I'm done too. I don't care if someone doesn't agree, but my advice was as valid as anyone's on a public forum. It was a considered reply aimed at saving a marriage if there was any chance it could be saved. Ultimately, she chose him to marry and I'm not going to show disrespect to the choice she made. However it turns out, I'm sure she made the choice she felt was best at the time with the information that she had. Divorce is her decision alone.

    Even a thread asking Kenny to come back turned horrid. Like him, I cannot imagine why I bother, so that's it. There are lots of nice people here, of course, but I'm fed up with the abject nastiness that bubbles up.

    I expect that Pricescope will have the distinction of being the only place I'll ever be called tacky for being upset about a friend's suicide.

    Regarding this thread, as my boss would say, rearrange the following: Straw. Back. Camel's.

    To the nice people: I'll miss you. To the others, who know who they are, you can bugger off.

    OP, I really hope you find happiness, both personally and professionally. My last apology on Pricescope:

    SORRY FOR THE THREADJACK.
     
  28. ForteKitty
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    by ForteKitty » Jan 14, 2014

    Smith, your grief wasn't tacky. No one was minimalizing what your felt. However, what made it tacky was your need to make it all about you. Boston was bombed, and people were injured... yet you were concerned about your morning commute? Regarding your co worker's suicide, you said she was an acquaintance and co-worker from years ago but you hadn't kept in touch... then proceeded to post her picture on a public forum. If I were a close friend or family, I'd be pretty upset that a stranger is posting my deceased beloved's picture all over the internet.
     
  29. monarch64
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    by monarch64 » Jan 14, 2014
    *THREADJACK* Smith, don't you dare pull a GBCPS (that means "goodbye, cruel Pricescope, fyi).

    I've seen other posters come up in here in Hangout, try to fit in, and be mocked/ridiculed/treated poorly. Sick of it. (yes, I'm talking about Whitby). Smith, you've been nothing but nice, tried to fit into a community full of people who know each other outside of this forum, tried to insert yourself and sometimes it hasn't gone over well. But. That doesn't mean you don't belong here. FFS. I'm so tired of this "club" with its secret FB groups and Behind the Scenes nonsense. Just stop.

    You've every right to be here. No, you didn't know the back story about Allycat. Big ****ing deal. You were trying to help. Don't leave on account of other posters who've happened to be here longer trying to make you feel like you've done something TERRIBLY WRONG.

    Y'all can shame me and talk about ME behind the scenes, I really don't care. Have at it. I've been over that crap for years now, sorry I don't participate any longer in your craziness. Enjoy continuing to make fun of people for no reason. :saint: :bigsmile:

    ETA: Oh, and Ally? You'll be fine. Yes, this is a horrific thing to go through. But you watched me go through something similar. And I survived. And I'm HAPPY. Listen to Movie Zombie.
     
  30. Circe
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    by Circe » Jan 15, 2014
    I haven't had time to reply (I keep wanting to write LONG SCREEDS), but ....

    A), Ally, I don't know if I ever responded to your threads prior to your marriage, but I remember reading them, back when I was still a lurker. I'm so sorry you guys are having these issues. I know you mentioned his rejecting couples counseling in the past, but under the circumstances, I think it might be worth trying. It did some fairly amazing things for my marriage, and I'm in the position of having the spouse working the 100 hour weeks.

    B) not to continue the thread jack, but, Smith, don't go. You're a very valuable part of this forum and you're providing a valuable counterpoint, not just in this thread, but in many, I think *because* many would perceive you as willing to engage in friendly but not lily-livered debate. (I may share this, though I don't know if people perceive it quite that favorably in my case.). Even in this thread ... Reading your first pat I had that same initial knee-jerk reaction of "my spouse took a hard job with long hours and I didn't think it was license to cheat, emotionally or otherwise," which I stand by ... But giving it a day or so, some of your points really resonated.

    I've left some long term relationships. Can't regret any of them, since they brought me to where I am now ... but in at least one case, I wonder if I might have been unfair to the dude, not having had the benefit of the couples counseling I would do later on in life.
     

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