Heartbroken and confused, some insight please

[braga123]

I wasn't really trying to scare her, but IF you want the option of kids, if you're 33 and still have yet to go through a divorce, you don't have oodles of time, when you work it out: First, you have to meet someone, then it takes quite a while to date and decide if they're the right person for you. Many people - not all, of course - want to be married first and then, ideally, have at least a little time together before the rigours of raising kids takes over. Meeting someone and going through the dating process can take a few years.

That has to be one of the worst reasons I can think of for proceeding to marry someone who is otherwise not right for you.
Not to mention, it ensures that when the ill-fated union does eventually crumble (as it nearly always will), there are kids involved paying the consequences for selfish actions of the parents.

There are many ways to have children these days (adoption, IVF, freezing eggs, etc) that extend the timeline to doing so, IF that's what one really wants.

One of my closest friends did this - at 27, she thought she had to settle for opportunity she had in front of her (WRONG GUY) because "time was running out." Ask me how happy she is - hasn't turned out well at all.

I can't imagine later saying to my kids (if I had them) "well, i'm sorry you have to go through this. I settled for your father even though I knew he wasn't right for me because he was the most viable option I had to bear children. For me, it would feel selfish to prioritize my desire to have kids above the future kids' need for a happy and healthy home life.

I was not, in any way, advocating that she should stay in a bad marriage just to have kids. I think you know that. In my original reply to the OP, I was urging her to think things through. That seems like pretty good advice when considering something as serious as divorce. The part that you quoted out of context, Aldjewey, was not advice to the OP but my reply to Gypsy saying that 33 is still young. I agree with that, but I still think it's not that much time to meet someone, date, marry, etc. IF kids is still a desired option in any way at all, given that meeting someone can take quite some timeWhy am I repeating myself?

I was also told to think before I spoke, that I shouldn't give advice without knowing the backstory. Well, plenty of other people here on this thread have done just that and not been told they should do a bunch of research before daring to reply. The OP had over three thousand posts and I do not usually go searching through someone's many posts before answering them. The OP gave a lot of info in her first post. I had no idea there was a backstory. How would I know that I had to search? And why, anyway? The OP knows her story and can decide for herself and I am sure she doesn't expect each poster to know everything about her story when she posts on a public forum. It is not my usual practice to read a ton of back posts before replying and I don't think that people expect that. If I start a thread, I give as much info as is needed in the first post, and the OP gave plenty. I wouldn't expect others to spend time going through my back posts and I'm sure she doesn't.

I do think that people on the Internet are way too quick to advocate divorce. Maybe it IS right in this case. I've qualified my advice by saying that quite a few times. I wouldn't know for sure if it's right as I don't have time to read three thousand posts. I was giving her other sides of the story that no one else has, like asking her to consider if they can work it out because life after divorce isn't always easy either, and that careers finish and kids grow up so it's best not to put all your eggs in either basket, and because when these eras of your life end, you are left with your partner at the end of it all. Some people are telling her to divorce but she doesn't sound sure about it. I am wary about pushing someone firmly towards divorce. They should come to the decision on their own. They know best. I don't care if you are privileged to know the back story - you don't live with the couple. Only the OP knows if she should divorce or not.

I thought I was giving good advice but I've been told I shouldn't speak by at least two people and that I sound 1950s etc etc. That's a total lack of respect for what I have to say. Strangely, I am the only replier who's been told I should not have spoken before researching the OP. If I should have researched the OP, surely shouldn't everyone have done so who doesn't already know her story going back years?

And 1950s? Well, if more people attempted to save marriages maybe a third of people wouldn't end up regretting their divorce. Again, maybe divorce is right for the OP, but only she knows that.

I am utterly fed up. I'm done. I am unable to cope with repeated taking of posts in the wrong light on top of other life circumstances I'm dealing with, (which I have referred to on PS) not so much on this thread but others too. To clarify, I can't actually think of any one individual who does it, but there is just generally a lot of getting at others on PS - purposely taking posts in the wrong light so you have to explain yourself till you're blue in the face, bitchy comments, and more. For example, I started a lot of threads one week and someone bitched about that. And the real piece de resistance - one week in April 2013 I had a number of tragic events happen and someone called me "tacky" for being upset about them. Yes, Athenaworth, I did see that post before making the moderators take it down. Thanks to you, I haven't dared mention too much my ongoing grief about the most recent suicide in my life, which happened on December 5th, 2013, and which we found out about over the holidays. Our friend and our witness. Wedding witness, that is. I never replied to you, just had it taken down in shock, but that has got to rank as the bitchiest comment anyone has ever said to me, on or offline. I cannot imagine attacking someone who has lost a friend to suicide and had their city bombed in the same week, and who also has a dying beloved parent, which you knew were aware was recent news to me, as I had mentioned it in the post before you called me "tacky" for daring to be upset about these things. Shame on you. I often think certain things about people, but I keep those thoughts to myself. I'm also fed up with reading posters' negativity towards others. It's depressing. And my mother's terminal breast cancer is quite depressing enough thank you, as is my husband's illness.

I came here for some light relief, except it's anything but that these days. Ame's make up thread was a classic example. Because she wanted to buy a teen girl some makeup, one poster actually told her not to take out her "mommy" fantasies on this girl. Just imagine the hurt that remark would have caused Ame had she been desperate for kids but having trouble or had had miscarriages. Kenny's no longer here. PS is often a very negative place, despite my trying hard to keep a generally cheerful tone, and start interesting threads, and give support to those in need of it. Aldjewey was hell-bent on implying, in post after post, that I was socially awkward on my thread about whether you mind nosy questions from total strangers about your occupation. Turns out quite a few did mind the question - I wasn't the only one, but I was the only one that had those things said to me. I rebutted them time and again but I did have to tell her all about my network of friends all over Boston, my plaque in the local bar due to my constant socialising there, and our NYE party before she gave up on that one.

And here, since I'm the only replier here to be told I should have done lots of homework before speaking, when I typed out such a long, considered reply, I'm done too. I don't care if someone doesn't agree, but my advice was as valid as anyone's on a public forum. It was a considered reply aimed at saving a marriage if there was any chance it could be saved. Ultimately, she chose him to marry and I'm not going to show disrespect to the choice she made. However it turns out, I'm sure she made the choice she felt was best at the time with the information that she had. Divorce is her decision alone.

Even a thread asking Kenny to come back turned horrid. Like him, I cannot imagine why I bother, so that's it. There are lots of nice people here, of course, but I'm fed up with the abject nastiness that bubbles up.

I expect that Pricescope will have the distinction of being the only place I'll ever be called tacky for being upset about a friend's suicide.

Regarding this thread, as my boss would say, rearrange the following: Straw. Back. Camel's.

To the nice people: I'll miss you. To the others, who know who they are, you can bugger off.

OP, I really hope you find happiness, both personally and professionally. My last apology on Pricescope:

SORRY FOR THE THREADJACK.

Even though I am a fairly new PSer, I want to say that I agree with a lot of your observations and your replies to this thread. Please don't leave.

 

[bliss_cathy]

Smith, you are a great poster because you do write well thought out messages. That's so important and you do have a considered approach.

I completely understood what you were saying, I was thinking about adding to some of the things you were saying but was busy today and didn't get a chance - plus I was worried it would be a really really big side topic and I would end up writing too much!

 

[aljdewey]

I was not, in any way, advocating that she should stay in a bad marriage just to have kids. I think you know that. In my original reply to the OP, I was urging her to think things through. That seems like pretty good advice when considering something as serious as divorce. The part that you quoted out of context, Aldjewey, was not advice to the OP but my reply to Gypsy saying that 33 is still young. I agree with that, but I still think it's not that much time to meet someone, date, marry, etc. IF kids is still a desired option in any way at all, given that meeting someone can take quite some time. Why am I repeating myself?

Smith, I truly didn't know that. I didn't disagree at all with the notion that one should carefully consider a decision as serious as divorce; in fact, I wholly agree with it. What I disagree with is the idea that one should consider their reproductive timeline and factor that into the decision to divorce or not. Your comments did seem to suggest that, and it was solely that notion I disagreed with.

Beyond that, I had no other comments. The other things you seem to be upset about weren't my comments, just to be clear.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go back and read thousands of posts; I likely wouldn't do it either. But if you're going to choose to bypass that, it might mean that others' advice doesn't resonate to you. Your comments seemed to suggest that others were blindly pushing for divorce because 'that's what people on the internet do.' Not only are you generalizing and assuming what their intentions really are, but they aren't correct.

PS isn't like many other places online. Many of the people commenting in this thread have been here for 6, 7, 8, and 9 years ago - going back to well before Ally married. They aren't really suggesting to bail at the first sign of trouble just because that's what people on the internet do. These people know and love Ally from all the time we've spent here; they know her story well, and to suggest that they are blithely pressing her to do something without considering the impact on her (which is how your comments read) does them a disservice.

If you feel good about the advice you gave, I can't understand what your issue is. Who cares if others don't agree with you? Why do you take it as an affront that others post differing opinions? That really does seem to be the source of your irritation - you seem to take it personally that others express disparate opinions, as though they somehow diminish yours. This is a forum that promotes multi-participant discussion, so it's pretty common that people may hold completely opposing opinions on any range of topics. If you are going to feel frustrated, offended, invalidated or personally challenged when others post opinions directly opposite yours, maybe it's not a good fit for light reading purposes. Only you can make that call.

I do find one thing curious, though. When you were offering advice so Ally might think of things from a different perspective, you did so to be helpful, right? So why do you not assume that others are doing the same when they offer comments in other threads? In the thread you mentioned about nosy comments, I was offering reasons other than nosiness why people might ask those questions, and my sincere intent was to say that people may be genuine in their desire to get to know you and not just nosy to revel in your discomfort. It's interesting that you can easily see your own good intentions in offering a different way to consider things to Ally but don't see good intentions at all when others offering different perspectives for your consideration.

 

[junebug17]

I'm editing my post because I realized it's not fair to Alley to take over her thread airing my personal views. I do want to say that I am very discouraged by how Smith was attacked in this thread simply for expressing her opinion. It is ridiculous to criticize her for not reading Alley's entire back-story, I'm sure many responders didn't do that. Alley is a very intelligent woman, I'm sure she determine on her own which responses are the most helpful to her in her particular situation.

Alley, I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time in your marriage. I hope you and your husband can make your way back to a healthier relationship - but whatever you both eventually decide, I hope you find happiness and fullfillment. I will say I don't think your marriage ever recovered from the initial blow of the texting incident, sounds like that might have created a lot of distrust and that is hard to get back. Marriage counseling might be something to explore, it seems like you both need an objective person to help you work out all of these complicated issues.

 

[braga123]

[q

I don't blame you for not wanting to go back and read thousands of posts; I likely wouldn't do it either. But if you're going to choose to bypass that, it might mean that others' advice doesn't resonate to you. Your comments seemed to suggest that others were blindly pushing for divorce because 'that's what people on the internet do.' Not only are you generalizing and assuming what their intentions really are, but they aren't correct.


If you feel good about the advice you gave, I can't understand what your issue is. Who cares if others don't agree with you? Why do you take it as an affront that others post differing opinions? That really does seem to be the source of your irritation - you seem to take it personally that others express disparate opinions, as though they somehow diminish yours. This is a forum that promotes multi-participant discussion, so it's pretty common that people may hold completely opposing opinions on any range of topics. If you are going to feel frustrated, offended, invalidated or personally challenged when others post opinions directly opposite yours, maybe this isn't going to be the best place to come for light reading.[/quote]

This. These comments are what Smith is referring to. Smith was not complaining because people disagreed, but rather, HOW they disagreed with her and didn't let it go. And that seems to be happening again. Many of us don't want Smith to leave, but it doesn't seem like you want to let it go and you are bringing it up again.

 

[braga123]

I am very saddened and disillusioned by this thread. Smith, you were treated very badly and you didn't deserve it. You offered your opinion, as is your right and just as everyone else did, and I'm sure many who responded didn't read the plethora of Alley's past posts, or did research - are you kidding me???? - several others felt the need to bully you with condescending and obnoxious behavior, just because they didn't agree with you. I'm so glad you came back and defended yourself.

You have been nothing but nice and helpful, and you don't deserve the treatment you've received here - I always knew PS had its cliques, but lately it's becoming more apparent and I don't feel comfortable remaining a member here. I've been here over 4 years and never really felt like I belonged. The fact that there are apparently behind -the -scene groups makes me even more uncomfortable, and I just don't like a lot of the things that have been happening on PS recently. I'm 53 years old, I don't need to go through high school again.

I'd encourage you to stay, but it would be hypocritical of me to do that because I am discouraged by what is going on on PS and I'm going to leave as well. I'm really sorry you've been made to feel so badly, you have always been very kind to me, even remembering to ask me about my mother, which I appreciate so much.

Now this is getting ridiculous. Junebug, please don't leave! If you do, many newbies like me will be reluctant to post for all of the reason that you pointed out.

 

[monarch64]

AlJ, I have the utmost respect for you, and have grown over the years to really love your posts and you, but don't you think that in some ways we create an environment here that isn't conducive to outsiders??? Maybe I'm just a very sensitive person. But maybe Smith is, too. I would really hate to see her go, as she has offered solid advice as well as solid reviews on jewelry pieces here. Isn't there some way to hug it out? Not everyone is as thick-skinned as the rest of us.

 

[aljdewey]

[q

I don't blame you for not wanting to go back and read thousands of posts; I likely wouldn't do it either. But if you're going to choose to bypass that, it might mean that others' advice doesn't resonate to you. Your comments seemed to suggest that others were blindly pushing for divorce because 'that's what people on the internet do.' Not only are you generalizing and assuming what their intentions really are, but they aren't correct.


If you feel good about the advice you gave, I can't understand what your issue is. Who cares if others don't agree with you? Why do you take it as an affront that others post differing opinions? That really does seem to be the source of your irritation - you seem to take it personally that others express disparate opinions, as though they somehow diminish yours. This is a forum that promotes multi-participant discussion, so it's pretty common that people may hold completely opposing opinions on any range of topics. If you are going to feel frustrated, offended, invalidated or personally challenged when others post opinions directly opposite yours, maybe this isn't going to be the best place to come for light reading.

This. These comments are what Smith is referring to. Smith was not complaining because people disagreed, but rather, HOW they disagreed with her and didn't let it go. And that seems to be happening again. Many of us don't want Smith to leave, but it doesn't seem like you want to let it go and you are bringing it up again.[/quote]

Didn't let it go? So you think that any single poster should be able to declare when others should and shouldn't stop expressing their opinions?

I"m sorry, but I can't agree with that. I've found there's a really easy way to resolve it if I don't want to continue conversation with someone - I stop participating in that conversation. It works, and every one of us has the power to do that whenever we choose.

For the record, I'm not advocating for Smith to leave at all. I personally think that PS is enriched when there are more viewpoints, not less. That's why I participate on PS, and I will continue doing so when I feel I have something to add. Those who don't find value have my personal invitation to completely ignore my comments - no offense taken. I'm fine with people disagreeing with me.

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Ally,

I'm truly sorry you're going through such a rough, emotional, confusing time right now. Agree w/those who've said BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Gentle. Easy. Just as you (honestly) didn't really know what you wanted your future to look like - or even if it involved him ... you're shocked to find he's thinking the same thing. And detaching from you in advance (email flirtations, secret therapy, confiding in friends, not participating in the egg freezing etc).

Remember what your sister went through and came out okay on the other side. You can do it. Whatever you decide. Whatever he throws at you and whatever YOUR TRUEST DEEPEST HEART really wants. Even if its scary. Even if it's you're attracted to albino transvestite furries all of a sudden.

You will get through this. You're strong and smart and much more capable & brave now than you've ever been before. So much better able to handle personal transitions & transformations.

Agree that if you have even an inkling that you might want kids in the (far) future -- go ahead & freeze the eggs yourself. You don't need anyone's permission! Your body: your choice.

That's all I got for now. Am not around much but - how could I not pipe in for THIS! **HUG**

Deco

 

[monarch64]

I am very saddened and disillusioned by this thread. Smith, you were treated very badly and you didn't deserve it. You offered your opinion, as is your right and just as everyone else did, and I'm sure many who responded didn't read the plethora of Alley's past posts, or did research - are you kidding me???? - several others felt the need to bully you with condescending and obnoxious behavior, just because they didn't agree with you. I'm so glad you came back and defended yourself.

You have been nothing but nice and helpful, and you don't deserve the treatment you've received here - I always knew PS had its cliques, but lately it's becoming more apparent and I don't feel comfortable remaining a member here. I've been here over 4 years and never really felt like I belonged. The fact that there are apparently behind -the -scene groups makes me even more uncomfortable, and I just don't like a lot of the things that have been happening on PS recently. I'm 53 years old, I don't need to go through high school again.

I'd encourage you to stay, but it would be hypocritical of me to do that because I am discouraged by what is going on on PS and I'm going to leave as well. I'm really sorry you've been made to feel so badly, you have always been very kind to me, even remembering to ask me about my mother, which I appreciate so much.

Junebug, your post is making me really sad. Please don't leave. I think you're one of the saner voices here and I would really hate to see you leave this community. Of course there are cliques, and that sucks for people who aren't included in them. But, please know that not everyone is involved in a clique and some of us just really appreciate the community. I have always enjoyed your posts, and I am pretty sure others have as well. You and I had an issue once that really made us upset because it was a total misunderstanding. I hope you know that it upset me as much as it did you. I really hate that there is so much strife happening tonight.

 

[LLJsmom]

I am very saddened and disillusioned by this thread. Smith, you were treated very badly and you didn't deserve it. You offered your opinion, as is your right and just as everyone else did, and I'm sure many who responded didn't read the plethora of Alley's past posts, or did research - are you kidding me???? - several others felt the need to bully you with condescending and obnoxious behavior, just because they didn't agree with you. I'm so glad you came back and defended yourself.

You have been nothing but nice and helpful, and you don't deserve the treatment you've received here - I always knew PS had its cliques, but lately it's becoming more apparent and I don't feel comfortable remaining a member here. I've been here over 4 years and never really felt like I belonged. The fact that there are apparently behind -the -scene groups makes me even more uncomfortable, and I just don't like a lot of the things that have been happening on PS recently. I'm 53 years old, I don't need to go through high school again.

I'd encourage you to stay, but it would be hypocritical of me to do that because I am discouraged by what is going on on PS and I'm going to leave as well. I'm really sorry you've been made to feel so badly, you have always been very kind to me, even remembering to ask me about my mother, which I appreciate so much.

+1!!! Junebug, I would be really sad if you left. really, really sad. You are one of the most positive, nurturing and kind people I have met here.
I read Smith's post. I did not read all of Ally's history. Smith's post can be taken as good advice in a very general sense. Yes, people (any and all people) should think and consider the option of divorce very, very carefully. And I think, and this is just my interpretation of Smith's post, that she was also saying, what does Ally want in the future, not the near future, but in the 7-10 years off, after I've established myself in my career and now want to start a family future. What kind of man does she want to have as a father to her children? As a husband? Is Ally's husband that man now, but a man who wants that future with children right now? I don't know the right answer. Maybe the answer is no, he isn't. Maybe he is. If he is, then it may be worth it to find a way to work it out. Be honest with each other and see how they can meet in the middle somewhere. If not, and she doesn't see that he ever will be, then it would be time to move on. That is my interpretation of what she wrote. I thought it was a fair post. And the things that Smith said about life after divorce. In my opinion, she is just keeping it real too. Not everyone experiences those challenges, but many do. And if Ally does decide to go her own way, it would be good for her to do it with her eyes wide open, aware of the challenges she will face. If it does happen to "scare" Ally, that is ok too. She is doing something that is scary, and if she is certain of her course, she will do it anyway.

Smith, if you are reading this, I do think you were bullied. My opinion is that posters should stick to addressing the question at hand, and not get personal. If you no longer feel you can post here without being judged, I don't blame you. But I do want you to know you are not alone in your opinions and your thoughts do enrich my experience here. In fact, I was just wondering why I haven't seen you post in a while. I hope that you will not let the comments of some people drive you away. You and your opinions are valued. I will miss you if you go.

 

[LLJsmom]

Smith, you are a great poster because you do write well thought out messages. That's so important and you do have a considered approach.

I completely understood what you were saying, I was thinking about adding to some of the things you were saying but was busy today and didn't get a chance - plus I was worried it would be a really really big side topic and I would end up writing too much!

+1 definitely...

 

[aljdewey]

AlJ, I have the utmost respect for you, and have grown over the years to really love your posts and you, but don't you think that in some ways we create an environment here that isn't conducive to outsiders??? Maybe I'm just a very sensitive person. But maybe Smith is, too. I would really hate to see her go, as she has offered solid advice as well as solid reviews on jewelry pieces here. Isn't there some way to hug it out? Not everyone is as thick-skinned as the rest of us.

Mon, I have a ton of respect for you too, and I love you to death - you know this.

Look, PS is a place with really strong people and strong opinions. That's what it's been from fairly early on, and that's its true self. Would you advocate for people here not being themselves and genuine? I don't think there would be so many long time members if that happened.

ETA: I do agree there are times when some posters do seem to revel in being really nasty, but I don't think the answer is telling everyone else how to post/not to post. Ame's post about the make-up comes to mind for me; there were many comments in there I felt were outright rude, so I ignored them. For what it's worth, I think she handled that with a ton of grace.

I think it's almost impossible for anyone not to feel like an outsider when there are so many long-time posters who all know each other pretty well. It's tough to be the 'new guy', whether it's at a new job, a new social hangout, or a new internet forum, but the only way I know to overcome that it to stick around and participate. That's how each of us learns about other members and how friendships form - by getting to know those you feel like-minded with and those you don't. I don't think that's a bad thing.

For me, PS is no different than any other place I frequent. If I go to a local club, a local restaurant, a local coffeeshop or even an internet forum, I either decide I like the vibe and stay, or I decide I don't and move on. I don't know why there should be an expectation for PS to be any different.

This is like real life - some people you really get along with and develop friendships with, and others not so much. You learn who those are by the sum of their contributions. Those who fall into the 'not so much' category for me, I just bypass. Take what you need/value, and disregard the rest. I do it, and it's not difficult. I'd much rather have that transparency and passionate opinions than go for a milquetoast, everyone is vanilla feel. I think PS generally works well.

 

[junebug17]

I am very saddened and disillusioned by this thread. Smith, you were treated very badly and you didn't deserve it. You offered your opinion, as is your right and just as everyone else did, and I'm sure many who responded didn't read the plethora of Alley's past posts, or did research - are you kidding me???? - several others felt the need to bully you with condescending and obnoxious behavior, just because they didn't agree with you. I'm so glad you came back and defended yourself.

You have been nothing but nice and helpful, and you don't deserve the treatment you've received here - I always knew PS had its cliques, but lately it's becoming more apparent and I don't feel comfortable remaining a member here. I've been here over 4 years and never really felt like I belonged. The fact that there are apparently behind -the -scene groups makes me even more uncomfortable, and I just don't like a lot of the things that have been happening on PS recently. I'm 53 years old, I don't need to go through high school again.

I'd encourage you to stay, but it would be hypocritical of me to do that because I am discouraged by what is going on on PS and I'm going to leave as well. I'm really sorry you've been made to feel so badly, you have always been very kind to me, even remembering to ask me about my mother, which I appreciate so much.

Now this is getting ridiculous. Junebug, please don't leave! If you do, many newbies like me will be reluctant to post for all of the reason that you pointed out.

Braga, I had edited my post because I felt badly about thread-jacking Alley's post! But it does express how I've been feeling about PS lately. It's not just this thread - as a somewhat long-term member, I'm just a bit discouraged by the general tone of PS lately. Some of it is my fault because I think I've been spending too much time here. I think it's best for me to at least take a break.

eta - thank you monarch and LLsmom! Sorry I edited my post, I did so only because I didn't want to thread-jack Alley's post, which I did anyway - you both represent the best of PS, but some of the personalities here are just kind of hard for me to take, and it's causing me some discomfort. Monarch, that incident was totally my fault, I still don't know what got into me, I have always enjoyed you and your posts!

Alley, sorry for my additional thread-jacking!

 

[bliss_cathy]

What on earth is happening!

Can somebody post a beautiful diamond and distract everyone with something really shiny and pretty???

 

[monarch64]

AlJ, I have the utmost respect for you, and have grown over the years to really love your posts and you, but don't you think that in some ways we create an environment here that isn't conducive to outsiders??? Maybe I'm just a very sensitive person. But maybe Smith is, too. I would really hate to see her go, as she has offered solid advice as well as solid reviews on jewelry pieces here. Isn't there some way to hug it out? Not everyone is as thick-skinned as the rest of us.

Mon, I have a ton of respect for you too, and I love you to death - you know this.

Look, PS is a place with really strong people and strong opinions. That's what it's been from fairly early on, and that's its true self. Would you advocate for people here not being themselves and genuine? I don't think there would be so many long time members if that happened.

I think it's almost impossible for anyone not to feel like an outsider when there are so many long-time posters who all know each other pretty well. It's tough to be the 'new guy', whether it's at a new job, a new social hangout, or a new internet forum, but the only way I know to overcome that it to stick around and participate. That's how each of us learns about other members and how friendships form - by getting to know those you feel like-minded with and those you don't. I don't think that's a bad thing.

For me, PS is no different than any other place I frequent. If I go to a local club, a local restaurant, a local coffeeshop or even an internet forum, I either decide I like the vibe and stay, or I decide I don't and move on. I don't know why there should be an expectation for PS to be any different.

This is like real life - some people you really get along with and develop friendships with, and others not so much. Those who fall into the 'not so much' category for me, I just bypass. Take what you need/value, and disregard the rest. I do this, and it's not difficult.

Of course, on all your points.

Erm...a little more sensitivity, I guess, is what I was thinking might be a good thing.

I really love the tough shit attitudes that are dished out here. But I also see (probably because several years ago I was feeling "hazed" myself) that this community can be very hard to break into. That's all. I'm gonna keep an eye on this thread, and hope the best for Ally, and remember that I've learned a lot from the intelligent and rational and lovely members here. Big hugs to you all.

 

[monarch64]

Separately, Junebug, I think you're great and just wanted you to know that. Thanks for your response. Ok, I'm movin' on!

 

[decodelighted]

What on earth is happening!

Can somebody post a beautiful diamond and distract everyone with something really shiny and pretty???

Or maybe just get back to the topic at hand? Not trying to stifle any discussion or hurt anyone's feelings ... but it strikes me as totally off-base to be turning this thread into a general discussion of *PS cliques*.

 

[crown1]

In response to the op, ally, I have a bit of advice I would like to offer. I understand you have long come to ps for comfort and venting, nothing wrong with that but.......only you and your husband know the real situation. Any of us can give you our take on what we have read here regarding your relationship but only you and your husband know what actually came down. Please be honest with yourself and your husband and decide if the two of you have given all the love and affection that you should have. Examine if you have been patient and kind and supportive. Own your own actions and he his. Then decide if you can move forward and love or whether you need to move in new directions. No matter what anybody says only the two of you know what really has happened and what you are willing to give in the future. Best wishes and thoughtful prayers for the future happiness of you and your husband, no matter what course you take.

 

[aljdewey]

What on earth is happening!

Can somebody post a beautiful diamond and distract everyone with something really shiny and pretty???

Or maybe just get back to the topic at hand?

Amen, and to that end, more comments to Ally.

I wish with all my heart that things had smoothed out for you. It's so sad for me to hear that you're upset and unhappy at this moment.
What I really hope for you is that you do something I think you may still not have done for yourself in all these years........

I'd like you to think of what you need to be happy. Not what your family expects. Not what he expects. Not what you think you're *supposed* to be happy with. Over the years you've been posting here, it has felt like your decisions have been largely influenced by others' expectations, and those decisions have brought you to this spot in your life. It's time to change course.

What would make you truly happy? What do you want? I think defining that is the most important thing for you right now.

If you want children, you shouldn't deny that. If you don't want children, you shouldn't deny that either.
If you want to make your career your #1, you should acknowledge that. If you want family to be #1, you should acknowledge that.
What do you need and want in a life partner? Does he meet the fundamental things, or doesn't he?

You need to own the path to making yourself happy, and he needs to own his. Neither of you has anything left to give to someone else until you know how to own your own happiness.

I know you have it in you to do this.

 

[junebug17]

What on earth is happening!

Can somebody post a beautiful diamond and distract everyone with something really shiny and pretty???

Or maybe just get back to the topic at hand? Not trying to stifle any discussion or hurt anyone's feelings … but it strikes me as totally off-base to be turning this thread into a general discussion of *PS cliques*.

You are absolutely right, I am truly very sorry - my worst threadjack in my PS history -

Ally, again, my sincere apologies, please forgive me.

 

[LaraOnline]

Goodness gracious!
Smith, please don't go!
Junebug, please don't go!

Not all of us are a member of any North American 'club'!!
Personally I think the straight forward approach of some of the PS posts is really a reflection of different cultural values.
Americans are famous for being very upfront.

I agree that the more voices the merrier, a lively and very busy forum - with lots and lots of people from all over the world - is exactly what we need in our lives!

Besides, being just the written word, it is easy to misinterpret or to have a sentiment look harsh from time to time.
I wince at some of the posts I've written ... but it's no novel.
It's a moment in time, a dinner party moment in time, on paper.

Let's just all get over ourselves!!

 

[bliss_cathy]

Hi Junebug, my comment wasn't directed at you, it just popped up after your post. I just wanted Smith to come back and you to stay of course! No apology needed at all! But i think you were replying to deco - in which case it clearly shows I don't know what's going on in this thread anymore!

 

[movie zombie]

good grief, take a break to spend time with hubby and all hell breaks loose.
everyone has an opinion.
everyone states it.
is this cause for anyone to leave?

I'm sticking by my assessment that a post sounded very 1950's.
it is my opinion.
I'm entitled to it.
and I stand by it.

having lived through the 1950's and each decade thereafter, having stayed in my first marriage because of many of the ideas expressed in that particular opinion piece, well, yes, it sounded very 1950's.

however, smith, you have and had the same opportunity to write and stand by your statements also.
I thought you were gracious in stating that perhaps your opinion shouldn't count as much as those with "history" re the OP.
sometimes some people do push divorce or turn to it rather than working things out.
speaking for myself, I stayed in my first marriage 8 years longer than I should have.
I knew at year 2 I'd made a mistake.
I knew I didn't want to remain in my marriage.
but a lot of what you wrote was in my head and part of the family code.
it took my husband getting arrested for soliciting an undercover cop for sex to give myself permission to leave.
free at last!

we all bring our own history with us. for most of us it was never easy and never will be. we've been to the school of hard knocks. if we can spare that other person our own mistakes with our observations, we will. and I'm sure you operate in the same way.

but the one constant thing here on pricescope is honesty. some of us are blunter than others. some word things better. and some of us actually have our own emotional drama happening that could color our perceptions.

there is no right and there is no wrong. we are a family and families have disagreements.

I've been known to take time away from pricescope...and other forums....as well. i found it to be therapeutic. i will leave you to your decision but please understand that my statement re the 1950's was not an attack on you but merely a disagreement with your opinion.

 

[LaraOnline]

we all bring our own history with us. f

Amen sister.

 

[Hospatogi]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are not being selfish about your career! You have worked so hard to get where you are today. Im sure your sisters wedding and pregnancy announcement is hard. It's ok to feel emotional about it especially when you are struggling in your marriage. I know you are upset about your husband seeking therapy without your knowledge but sometimes you can't be as honest in couples therapy. At least he realized that he needs help and is trying to work through his own issues.
Honestly med school and residency really take a toll on a marriage ! All I can say is that it's the most rewarding career so please don't give up on your hopes and dreams. No matter what you decide just remember that you are loved and will be supported by your family and friends no matter what happens. Just have faith that you will not break and no matter what you will come out of this stronger. Sending you many hugs.. Thank you for the sacrifices you make ...your patients truly appreciate all you do.

 

[NOYFB]

What on earth is happening!

Can somebody post a beautiful diamond and distract everyone with something really shiny and pretty???

I don't have a lot to add. Ally, you've already received some wonderful advice. I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this and hope that whatever you decide that you are happy with that decision. Because you do deserve to be happy.

 

[appletini]

Ally,

I'm coming out of lurkdom just for you.

First I want to offer *hugs*. I know you need lots of them.

Like others who have known you on PS since the early LIW days, I have to say I'm not surprised to be reading this either. I was really hoping that marriage would make your relationship stronger and am sad to read that it has only continued your high school style relationship. Relationships should not be that hard or have so much drama. You should bring out the best in each other and be a great team. That being said relationships also need to be nutured and maintained, you have to make time for each other.

Not to sound too harsh but life is all about choices. You can choose to be happy, you can choose how you treat others, you can choose how you respond and react to situations. The rest of your life is a longtime--it should be but we never know how time we will really have. Only you know what you are willing to live with. If you decide to go seperate ways, please make it a clean break this time and keep it that way.

I was delighted to see how your sister really changed her life around and exited a bad relationship and then finally found happiness. I know you can do the same.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.

*hugs*

PS Love,
Appletini

 

[CJ2008]

Ally,

I don't know your history at all, but when I saw the title of your thread, and saw your Avatar, I recognized it immediately,and I know we've crossed paths here and there...and my very first thought was Ally!

I am sorry that you're going through this - breakups - or thinking about breaking up - is always so hard.

People have given you so many bits of advice, some will resonate with you, some won't. The single most important thing you can do for yourself, always, though, is be 100% honest with yourself first. And then summon up the courage to do whatever it is you need to do to get that thing that you know you want, whatever it may be.

I really wish you some calm and peace during this time and the courage to do what you need to do to be happy.

==============

On a separate note, as far as Smith...you gave your opinion, Smith...don't feel wrong for stating it. Ally will take what she needs, and discard the rest, if it doesn't resonate. Could some of what you said drive fear into someone? Yes, I could see how it could. But if it's your opinion, that's what it is. If we knew each other in real life, and your fundamental views were so different than mine on certain topics, I just would know not to go to your for advice on certain topics. Here, I'd just ignore it - although I would always feel appreciative that you took the time to try to help me.

So as far as those considering leaving...think about the positive interactions you've had - those are worth staying for. At least, they are for me.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I want to say to Smith and Junebug-- Don't leave. Who cares if someone thinks it too 50's. It is something that should be said. Its why so many women and children are in poverty. Its why 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. Your gave a slant to the problem and it too deserved an airing.

Allys situation , is of course different, but there should be room here for different views without insulting others.

For Me, I usually just post one opinion and don't respond much after. People need to feel they are right, so plow it or you to the ground. I have on occasions been rude.too.

Taqke a rest, Come back, just like the rest of us.

Annette