allycat0303|1389661643|3592261 said:Hey everyone,
I read every post. I was clinic when I wrote it (burst into tears.. like an UGLY cry twice) O I am just very confused.
I think predictably, I went into '' I can`t go on without him'' and '' he`s my soulmate'' I know it's weak but that's what happened. I feel very much that this is my failing. When we had the covnersation last night, he seemed to be blaming me fore most of it. My sister who knows me very well, says I have bled for this relationship. Some points he brought up:
1. He doesn`t feel like I respect him because I precieve him as not being good enough for me (I don't know what to say about this. I have to be brutally honest with you guys. I love him. But he's right, I don't respect him.) I guess I must show it in subtle ways.
2. He feels bad when he goes out with the other doctors (I don't hang out with doctors.) So I don't get this.
3. He doesn't want to be the husband that followed me to the states for fellowship, then be a stay at home Dad.
4. He feels that if we were to do a long distance relationship, I would find someone better and leave him. And he would be stuck at 40 years old without a wife or children. Now I have to be brutally honest with guys. I have been on and off about him coming with me on fellowship. I have said that I would leave him once my fellowship was done (more then once). And I have felt that maybe being away from him for a year, would help me find direction.
About two months ago, I made him sign the equivalent of a pre-nup in Quebec...he said he didn't care, but that night, we had a huge fight. He was very irritated by it. He did ask me two or three times if I loved him and saw a future with him. And in retrospect, my answers were evasive.
Christmas was terrible. I bought him lots of presents, and he told me he felt like I was buying him off and being a *not very nice person*
On the flip side:
1. When I went through the possibility of freezing my eggs, I begged him to think about it, take it seriously, because I was ready to do it. He read up about it and decided '' I don't want them to hurt you''. I want to clarify, that 3 months ago, my friends have heard him say, ''I DON'T want kids'' that's part of the reason I let the freezing thing go.
2. Honestly, what confuses me the most is I HAVE HAD THERAPY. Many times. The fact that he feels the need to lie about it hurts me. He said he was embarassed. But I don't get it. His FRIENDS know. They gave him the referral. So he's embarassed in front of me....I've suggested therapy for him. For us. He's always been not interested. And all he said to me, is ''I've been with you for 18 years, I love you, I don't want to leave you. I want to figure this out.'' But I don't get it. Am I this judgemental terrible person. Why lie to me about it?
And there's the stress of fellowhip, which stresses me out too. I don't want him to leave a job he loves to follow me. I get that. I just wish he would talk to me. Told me how he feels.
Sorry to ramble, just trying to sort it out. And understand. I left the house by the way, just took my stuff and left.
My sister is getting married in 5 days. And she told me she was pregnant today. I couldn't stop crying. There's so much joy and sorrow that came with that.
bliss_cathy|1389655181|3592196 said:I think there are two very complex issues going on at the moment. I am so sorry that you are in pain right now, please try to breath and try to reflect for while and don't do anything rash.
1) Your job does affect the relationship dynamic. My cousin is also married to a cardiology fellow, she also works the long crazy hours you are describing and is also due to work overseas in a couple years. My cousin, although he has his own business and people working for him, by default he has become the primary caregiver of their 2 year old son. Even before they had a child he would attend family get togethers alone as she would either be working/studying/too tired to come. His business has now just started to take off, so when she is due to work overseas, I am unsure at this stage how they will manage this. My guess is he will need to compromise for her career.
Another couple I know, the husband is a paediatrician, and the wife is an anaesthetist. He would always joke that he had the stay at home 'non job' side of the relationship. And this is between two specialised Drs, let alone a specialist physician and an 'insert other job here'.
I don't know what your speciality is but I do think that your job is your number 1 commitment at the moment. Depending on what you specialise in this will also affect your relationship even more. Your husband has a lot of time to think and be on his own and may in some part feel he is losing a sense of himself as the majority of the time he may feel he is supporting your career. This relationship dynamic is something that I think needs to be addressed and understood. At the moment I think it may have just happened organically as you have been together since 16 and it hasn't been actively thought about.
2) The children part. This is something very delicate and tender in my opinion. I think that the long hours you are working combined with the knowledge that he may not have children would compound even more the feelings he may be going through. He may be reflecting on his future is looking like and what that means for him.
These are just my thoughts and my own insights so I'm sorry in advance if I've said something wrong.
ETA- I just wanted to add, I don't know any of the relationship history, just what was in this post. Also, I didn't comment on the emails either.
allycat0303|1389675362|3592369 said:I'm exhausted. Just spent 2 hours talking to my sister.
There's things he does that I don't respect: he smokes pot occasionally (once- twice a month?) and he's drank too much and driven home (I wouldn't say a lot. I don't think it's happened this year) he can make irresponsible decisions. I respect many things about him on the flip side. He's got tremendous leadership skills, he works hard, is really good to his family. He's loyal. And he's a provider. Even at any sacrifice to his happiness, will do whatever job it takes to provide for me. Even if he's not happy, that's his number one priority.
He is definitely insecure about his job/ education. While I always felt there was something there, we all agree that in the past 6-7 months, it's become directed at me. Which I don't get, but my sister feels its because I'm finishing. While I'm no doubt he is proud in many ways, it's more pronounced.
There are things he clearly doesn't respect about me too. For example I'm messy and forgetful. I sometimes can be extremely indecisive about little things (should I buy this 20$ sweatshirt). He doesn't understand how I can be so decisive in the OR, but not on simple things.
I'm not sure that in a relationship, one can respect every facet of another person's personality. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not sure I conveyed that too him. And while I often say he's selfish (about his time, leisure activities), I'm really selfish about my career.
So I'm just trying to sort it all out in my mind. Talking helps. Writing things down too. It might be moot in the outcome, but understanding is important for me to accept and move on.
LlJsMom: thank you for sharing your experience. It just profoundly touched me because it was raw and honest. At worked 7 months straight (no day off, at the Montreal Childrens Hopsital) and loved it!!! I'm drawn to children, more so ages 2-4,
I suspect that part of it is that I'm constantly overwhelmed and stressed that I can't imagine being responsible for more. Right now, the circumstances are impossible. But they might not always be like that.
JulieN|1389699244|3592424 said:Hi, ally. Sorry you are going through this.
You work 120hrs/week, don't respect him, and want him to be more supportive. You aren't sure whether you want him to follow you to your fellowship, told him you were leaving him, and made him sign a post-nup. Do I have it right?
This relationship is not working. If you two want to stay together, it is going to take a lot of work.
JulieN|1389699244|3592424 said:Hi, ally. Sorry you are going through this.
You work 120hrs/week, don't respect him, and want him to be more supportive. You aren't sure whether you want him to follow you to your fellowship, told him you were leaving him, and made him sign a post-nup. Do I have it right?
This relationship is not working. If you two want to stay together, it is going to take a lot of work.
Well said JulieN. I'm not sure any relationship can survive someone working 120 hours a week.