Fidelity

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:25:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I *think* it is a dealbreaker. But I find in marriage, oftentimes you don''t know until you get there how you feel.

Amen sister! Most people would not do what they think they would in such a critical situation. Unless you are living it (or have lived it) there is no way to know what you would do.

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 10/5/2009 5:02:41 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 10/5/2009 3:25:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I *think* it is a dealbreaker. But I find in marriage, oftentimes you don''t know until you get there how you feel.

Amen sister! Most people would not do what they think they would in such a critical situation. Unless you are living it (or have lived it) there is no way to know what you would do.

Couldn''t agree more.

 

[yssie]

I was in a relationship (a long time ago) and my then BF cheated. I thought I could forgive and forget anything, as long as the remorse was real, and he was so genuinely remorseful that that just solidified my commitment to the forgive-and-forget approach.

I felt like crap for the two weeks more that that relationship lasted, and I felt nothing but relief when I finally said "I can''t do this, I can''t feel used and unvalued like this, it''s not making ME happy and what''s the point otherwise".

I imagine that if this happened when I''m married, there would be much more "point" in trying to stay together, depending on how long I''ve been married, but the pain would be so amplified that I couldn''t do it no matter how much my logical side told me to try.

 

[diamondringlover]

I told my husband of 25 years from the very beginning there are 2 things I will not tolerate, one is cheating and the other is never, ever even think about hitting me, I told him I will divorce you and take you for everything you ever owned or thinking about owning, cheating and hitting is not negotiable

 

[Miscka]

Date: 10/5/2009 5:02:41 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 10/5/2009 3:25:10 PM

Author: TravelingGal

I *think* it is a dealbreaker. But I find in marriage, oftentimes you don't know until you get there how you feel.

Amen sister! Most people would not do what they think they would in such a critical situation. Unless you are living it (or have lived it) there is no way to know what you would do.

+1

I hope your friend finds what SHE is comfortable with. Not that anyone here is, but I would NEVER judge another woman for her decision in a situation like that.

ETA: I didn't really answer your question. I wanted to add that I would react very differently in a marriage than I would have in a BF/GF situation. And it would largely depend on the specifics, so I have no blanket "stay/go" response. Hugs to your friend!

 

[dragonfly411]

I don''t tolerate cheating. I left my ex for that reason.

 

[Tuckins1]

Yep.

 

[Upgradable]

Thanks guys. She''s really kind of almost nonchalant about it right now. One of our friends can''t understand why she hasn''t tossed him out on his ass, and I''m encouraging her to see a counselor and work things out. But right now she just doesn''t want to hear or do anything at all.

 

[oddoneout]

I wouldn''t be able to trust the person ever again if they cheated.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 10/5/2009 5:40:49 PM
Author: Upgradable
Thanks guys. She''s really kind of almost nonchalant about it right now. One of our friends can''t understand why she hasn''t tossed him out on his ass, and I''m encouraging her to see a counselor and work things out. But right now she just doesn''t want to hear or do anything at all.

The best thing you can do is just to listen and be there as support for her. She will figure out what is the right decision for her. Everyone works and reacts at different speeds. She is just trying to adjust to her world crushing.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/5/2009 4:42:11 PM
Author: purrfectpear
100% dealbreaker for me. It has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with honesty and trust. I value myself far too much to stay with someone who is willing to break that trust regardless of whether they were drunk or in love. It''s over.

That said I believe in total freedom to have lunches, dinners, friendships, etc. with the opposite sex. I don''t own the other person. They are completely free to have outside interests that don''t involve me. I don''t have a jealous bone in my body. I have trust. It''s because of that trust that I would walk away if it were abused. I couldn''t be happy in a relationship where I had doubts or felt the need to check up on my partner.

I pretty much agree with you, but "total freedom" is a bit too far for me. I think there need to be reasonable boundaries that don''t ever get crossed.


I think this works both ways. It isn''t just men who cheat and it isn''t just women who are uncomfortable with some friendships.


Men, imagine this:
There is a new guy in your wife''s office. He makes more money than you, is younger, and likes the opera (pick something your wife likes & you don''t). She takes him to lunch on his first day. They start having lunch together on a regular basis. She starts paying more attention to her clothes and hair in the morning. They start doing stuff outside of work. Shopping for a co-workers gift or whatever. She talks to you less about her day. He starts calling on her cell phone and they talk often. He gets tickets to an opera for them. After the opera, they decide to go for coffee. A few weeks later she starts singing lessons. She hadn''t even told you she liked to sing.

Women, imagine this:
There is a new woman in your husbands office. She is 10 years younger than you. Tall & skinny. Well dressed with just a bit of cleavage. She makes more money than you. Has a higher college degree. Understands your husband''s work. They have lunch together. Find that they both like classic cars (and you don''t). They have lunch together more often. She calls him all the time to talk cars. He starts trimming his beard neater and clipping the nose hairs. They start going to car shows on the weekend. He starts going to her house after work to help her with her latest restoration project. He decides to sell the car he just finished and start a new project. You only find out about it when someone else drives off in the car.


In each case, this goes on for months.

How do you feel? Can you honestly say that you would not have some concern about how things were going?


You need to be able to talk honestly with your SO about how you feel. There need to be set "rules" that each of you follow. If you are going to be late getting home, call. Should only be with the friend in public places -- car show with bunches of people is one thing, going to her empty house to work for hours alone is another.

 

[Allison D.]

I''m pretty certain it would be a dealbreaker for me, but as Tgal said, until you''re in it, there''s no way to know for sure.

I don''t think I could find a way to stay in a relationship without total trust, and I can''t imagine how I could feel that after such a breach.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 10/5/2009 6:01:52 PM
Author: Allison D.
I''m pretty certain it would be a dealbreaker for me, but as Tgal said, until you''re in it, there''s no way to know for sure.

I don''t think I could find a way to stay in a relationship without total trust, and I can''t imagine how I could feel that after such a breach.

+1.

We''ve been together 23 years. That''s a long time.. I don''t know if I could throw our marriage out the window, It would depend I guess. But can tell ya what.. I''d be super pissed. If I didn''t throw the marriage out the window, I can sure as heck say some of his things would go flying out the window!!!!

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/5/2009 5:54:05 PM
Author: TooPatient

Women, imagine this:
There is a new woman in your husbands office. She is 10 years younger than you. Tall & skinny. Well dressed with just a bit of cleavage. She makes more money than you. Has a higher college degree. Understands your husband''s work. They have lunch together. Find that they both like classic cars (and you don''t). They have lunch together more often. She calls him all the time to talk cars. He starts trimming his beard neater and clipping the nose hairs. They start going to car shows on the weekend. He starts going to her house after work to help her with her latest restoration project. He decides to sell the car he just finished and start a new project. You only find out about it when someone else drives off in the car.

That kind of plays into the stereotype that all men want are skinny women with great boobs. If that''s the case then it really doesn''t matter how much "freedom" you give them, they''re going to find the skinny booby-full woman and cheat anyway.

 

[iheartscience]

Definite deal breaker, whether we''ve been married 3 months or 30 years. I would never, ever be able to let it go, so there would be no point in staying together. And ditto Haven on the cheater being the one to throw in the towel.

 

[somethingshiny]

I answered "deal breaker" but I''ll expound a bit.

It would be a complete lack of respect and detrimental for trust. It would also be "cheating" on the entire family, not just me. I guess for me, it comes down to this; I''m just not willing to put in all the time and effort to "get over" being cheated on. I would also be PO''d ALL THE TIME that it was soo much easier for him to get over than for me. (I''ve never heard that it was terribly difficult to overcome from the cheater''s perspective) I don''t think the marriage on the other side of the cheating would ever be strong again. Why put in the effort for a so-so outcome when I could go on and do better for myself? My answer shows the selfishness I have. I wouldn''t consider it throwing in the towel though, the towel has clearly been thrown already.

I don''t believe in divorce very often, but definitely in this scenario.

That being said, if your friend wants to try to get through this situation, you have to stand by her. It must be a terribly difficult position to be in.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 10/5/2009 4:05:03 PM
Author: radiantquest
It depends on what circumstances he had the sex in. If it was someone that I knew he lusted after I would be REALLY upset. If it was a one night stand, like he went out with the guys maybe had too much to drink and slept with someone I think I could forgive. That is not to say that I wouldn''t put him through hell for a while, but I think I would forgive him. If he had an affair and there were emotions involved. If he spent time and money with another woman I would not forgive him. I don''t know if I would divorce him because I don''t really feel like divorce is an option, but I don''t think I would ever forgive him.

sooo...as long as he was drunk then it is okay to cheat on you?

 

[isaku5]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:45:59 PM
Author: soocool
No trust...No marriage.

Ditto...

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:29:37 PM
Author: elledizzy5
It''s not an absolute deal breaker. But I''ve been cheated on, and it''s damn near impossible to ever regain the trust. Without trust, you have nothing.

It''s very circumstance dependent for me. Sometimes when marriages get horribly off track things can happen, and you''ve made a PROMISE to be together forever. If I didn''t at least try to get it back, I''d be disappointed in me. Sex isn''t the end-all be-all. I think I''d be more upset if he confided in another woman than if he slept with her. I know my FI wouldn''t cheat unless something was horribly, terribly wrong in our marriage (and even then, I''m not so sure). If FI cheated, it would be because things had deteriorated terribly on BOTH sides. If we both recommitted, I''d consider coming back. It''s a marriage. You have to work to save it, IMO.

If I got burned twice, yes, it''s over.

elle...what happened to your open relationship policy?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/5/2009 6:17:49 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 10/5/2009 4:05:03 PM
Author: radiantquest
It depends on what circumstances he had the sex in. If it was someone that I knew he lusted after I would be REALLY upset. If it was a one night stand, like he went out with the guys maybe had too much to drink and slept with someone I think I could forgive. That is not to say that I wouldn''t put him through hell for a while, but I think I would forgive him. If he had an affair and there were emotions involved. If he spent time and money with another woman I would not forgive him. I don''t know if I would divorce him because I don''t really feel like divorce is an option, but I don''t think I would ever forgive him.

sooo...as long as he was drunk then it is okay to cheat on you?

I have commented on this kind of stuff before here, but my view is drunk cheating is not an excuse.

I lead my life away from my husband as if I could cheat on him. That means no excessive drinking when he is not there and I am with men. Why? Because people do stupid things when they get drunk. So the key then is NOT TO GET DRUNK.

Don''t want to play with fire, don''t collect kindling. Emotional intimacy can spark infernos (so I don''t ever tell a male who isn''t my husband my woes). Be preventative because I can pretty well guarantee that at SOME point in your marriage, someone ELSE is going to look good.

 

[Upgradable]

Shiny..... thanks for the response. That gave some really insightful perspective.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:57:13 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 10/5/2009 3:53:59 PM

Author: NewEnglandLady

If it were to happen to me tomorrow, I would leave in a heartbeat.


If I had children with my husband and had fallen into the pattern of being crappy wife, then I might look at myself and think ''how did I contribute to this?'' Not that it justifies cheating--but if our relationship was in a bad place and we''d both forsaken our vows, then I might be more willing to work on it.

Pretty much what I was trying to say above, but much more concise!

Well said, NEL!

This is exactly how I feel.

 

[Dancing Fire]

why do you gals kept saying "if he cheated on you"?. why not ask "if you cheated on him" should he leave you? in fact, women do cheat more than men.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 10/5/2009 6:44:23 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
why do you gals kept saying ''if he cheated on you''?. why not ask ''if you cheated on him'' should he leave you? in fact, women do cheat more than men.

You''re right, women DO cheat more than men. But, like I said in my post, most cheating is a symptom of things going very much wrong in the marriage. And women, more often than men, will feel that their emotional needs are not being met in their marriage. It is NEVER okay for EITHER spouse to cheat. But there are usually reasons beyond "Gee, I feel horny."

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 10/5/2009 6:26:23 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 10/5/2009 3:29:37 PM

Author: elledizzy5

It''s not an absolute deal breaker. But I''ve been cheated on, and it''s damn near impossible to ever regain the trust. Without trust, you have nothing.


It''s very circumstance dependent for me. Sometimes when marriages get horribly off track things can happen, and you''ve made a PROMISE to be together forever. If I didn''t at least try to get it back, I''d be disappointed in me. Sex isn''t the end-all be-all. I think I''d be more upset if he confided in another woman than if he slept with her. I know my FI wouldn''t cheat unless something was horribly, terribly wrong in our marriage (and even then, I''m not so sure). If FI cheated, it would be because things had deteriorated terribly on BOTH sides. If we both recommitted, I''d consider coming back. It''s a marriage. You have to work to save it, IMO.


If I got burned twice, yes, it''s over.

elle...what happened to your open relationship policy?

Ohhh DF.

Open means communication. Cheating means going behind my back and carrying on a relationship.

And for what its worth, we never had an "open" relationship. We''ve just welcomed others to our relationship, as a couple. I''ve never sent FI out on a solitary mission.

 

[HollyS]

"We''ve just welcomed others to our relationship, as a couple."

I beg your pardon?

You would think, at my age, I could no longer be shocked. But, instead, I''m simply flabbergasted.

In this day and age? Seriously? Do you ask for medical histories first? Have test results to exchange?

 

[trillionaire]

I have always been clear throughout our 6 yrs that cheating was a deal breaker. A man that cheats is no real man, to me.

I would never cheat, either. I would break my vows formally (divorce) before I would ever cheat. I find it despicable and inexcusable, and unfathomable. There would be no point for me to stay, our marriage would implode from within.

With that said, I respect the the choices of others, and do not assume that my friends that are/have been cheated on will leave or should leave. Different strokes for different folks.


I also agree that you don''t know how you would react unless you are in the situation... I mean, I might kill him, making this whole conversation moot...

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 10/5/2009 6:55:04 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 10/5/2009 6:26:23 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 10/5/2009 3:29:37 PM

Author: elledizzy5

It''s not an absolute deal breaker. But I''ve been cheated on, and it''s damn near impossible to ever regain the trust. Without trust, you have nothing.


It''s very circumstance dependent for me. Sometimes when marriages get horribly off track things can happen, and you''ve made a PROMISE to be together forever. If I didn''t at least try to get it back, I''d be disappointed in me. Sex isn''t the end-all be-all. I think I''d be more upset if he confided in another woman than if he slept with her. I know my FI wouldn''t cheat unless something was horribly, terribly wrong in our marriage (and even then, I''m not so sure). If FI cheated, it would be because things had deteriorated terribly on BOTH sides. If we both recommitted, I''d consider coming back. It''s a marriage. You have to work to save it, IMO.


If I got burned twice, yes, it''s over.

elle...what happened to your open relationship policy?

Ohhh DF.

Open means communication. Cheating means going behind my back and carrying on a relationship.

And for what its worth, we never had an ''open'' relationship. We''ve just welcomed others to our relationship, as a couple. I''ve never sent FI out on a solitary mission.

will this type of relationship continue after your marriage?

 

[Upgradable]

Date: 10/5/2009 7:07:01 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 10/5/2009 6:55:04 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 10/5/2009 6:26:23 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 10/5/2009 3:29:37 PM

Author: elledizzy5

It''s not an absolute deal breaker. But I''ve been cheated on, and it''s damn near impossible to ever regain the trust. Without trust, you have nothing.


It''s very circumstance dependent for me. Sometimes when marriages get horribly off track things can happen, and you''ve made a PROMISE to be together forever. If I didn''t at least try to get it back, I''d be disappointed in me. Sex isn''t the end-all be-all. I think I''d be more upset if he confided in another woman than if he slept with her. I know my FI wouldn''t cheat unless something was horribly, terribly wrong in our marriage (and even then, I''m not so sure). If FI cheated, it would be because things had deteriorated terribly on BOTH sides. If we both recommitted, I''d consider coming back. It''s a marriage. You have to work to save it, IMO.


If I got burned twice, yes, it''s over.

elle...what happened to your open relationship policy?

Ohhh DF.

Open means communication. Cheating means going behind my back and carrying on a relationship.

And for what its worth, we never had an ''open'' relationship. We''ve just welcomed others to our relationship, as a couple. I''ve never sent FI out on a solitary mission.

will this type of relationship continue after your marriage?

Please tell me you are inquiring, not shopping!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 10/5/2009 7:05:05 PM
Author: HollyS
''We''ve just welcomed others to our relationship, as a couple.''

I beg your pardon?

You would think, at my age, I could no longer be shocked. But, instead, I''m simply flabbergasted.

In this day and age? Seriously? Do you ask for medical histories first? Have test results to exchange?

Holly
yes, you need to be certified by (AGSL) American Group Sex Laboratories.