Fidelity

[Upgradable]

 

[geckodani]

I can forgive many things.


Cheating is not one of them.

 

[Bia]

yes, deal breaker.

 

[April20]

I think this topic got a double post, so I hope I''m replying to the correct one.

For me, I think the cheating would be a deal breaker. I say I think only because I haven''t ever been in the situation and don''t know how I would react at that time or what my circumstances may dictate. That being said, as I stand right now, it''s a deal breaker. Any relationship is about committment, trust and respect. I feel that cheating/infidelity is a slap in the face to these things. I don''t know that I could get past it or if I was able to, if I would ever truly heal. I don''t ever want to be in a position where I wonder day to day if I can truly trust my spouse. That is no way to live a life.

 

[Shoopy]

I know I''m probably in the minority here but for me it really depends on the circumstances surrounding it.

 

[janinegirly]

It is a deal breaker for me. These days so many aspects of commitment and marriage have been relaxed or turned around (pre-marital relations, living together before, kids before marriage, marrying late so one can sow their oats, women can be the breadwinner now, etc etc)--that I believe that at least the area of fidelity should stay pure and absolute with no exceptions--otherwise don't get married!

BUT having said that, we all know in most cases (at least ones I know of, and that's only a fraction of what's going on)--especially publicized ones--the woman seems to stand by the man for various reasons (children, forgiveness, practicality,etc), so that leads me to believe you really can't know how you'll react till it happens to you.

 

[HollyS]

I''m not at all sure that I would be able to get past ''cheating''.

However, there are underlying reasons WHY people cheat. I''m talking about emotional cheating that may or may not lead to physical cheating. Addressing the issues, getting to the bottom of whatever is wrong, is more important than walking away . . . perhaps.

On the other hand, those people who cheat for sex, because it gives them a thrill, because they can, because it excites them. . . well, they''re scum anyway, so I''d clean out the bank accounts, close the credit card accounts, and hire our local "Pit Bull with Lipstick" divorce lawyer. I hear she collects (*cough*) ''trophies'' from her clients'' exes.

 

[TravelingGal]

I *think* it is a dealbreaker. But I find in marriage, oftentimes you don''t know until you get there how you feel.

 

[Lauren8211]

It''s not an absolute deal breaker. But I''ve been cheated on, and it''s damn near impossible to ever regain the trust. Without trust, you have nothing.

It''s very circumstance dependent for me. Sometimes when marriages get horribly off track things can happen, and you''ve made a PROMISE to be together forever. If I didn''t at least try to get it back, I''d be disappointed in me. Sex isn''t the end-all be-all. I think I''d be more upset if he confided in another woman than if he slept with her. I know my FI wouldn''t cheat unless something was horribly, terribly wrong in our marriage (and even then, I''m not so sure). If FI cheated, it would be because things had deteriorated terribly on BOTH sides. If we both recommitted, I''d consider coming back. It''s a marriage. You have to work to save it, IMO.

If I got burned twice, yes, it''s over.

 

[Sha]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:25:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I *think* it is a dealbreaker. But I find in marriage, oftentimes you don''t know until you get there how you feel.

This is true. I remember last year something happened that made me wonder if my DH had been unfaithfu (He hadn''t- it was a misunderstanding on my part). It was such a shocking thought at the time...because of the level of trust I had in him. I just couldn''t imagine him cheating. Anyway, in the mix of emotions I had before I spoke to him - I remember feeling shock as well as hurt and mistrust, but also feeling that I didn''t want that to be the end of a great marriage. I wanted to continue being married to my DH. That last thought was also a strange one, because I had always assumed that any knowledge of cheating would be an ''automatic dealbreaker'' for me.

So I agree that sometimes you won''t know how you feel until you get there. I also agree with fiery that it depends on the circumstances surrounding the cheating as well.

 

[MonkeyPie]

For me, yes, it would be a deal breaker - especially now that we are going to have children. If he wanted to just hurt me, that''s one thing, but hurting the kids would mean I had his cajones on a platter!

Date: 10/5/2009 3:15:30 PM
Author: fiery
I know I''m probably in the minority here but for me it really depends on the circumstances surrounding it.

What possible circumstances would make it ok? Isn''t sex with someone else still sex with someone that is not you?

 

[kenny]

Deal breaker.

 

[soocool]

No trust...No marriage.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:21:43 PM
Author: HollyS
I''m not at all sure that I would be able to get past ''cheating''.

However, there are underlying reasons WHY people cheat. I''m talking about emotional cheating that may or may not lead to physical cheating. Addressing the issues, getting to the bottom of whatever is wrong, is more important than walking away . . . perhaps.

On the other hand, those people who cheat for sex, because it gives them a thrill, because they can, because it excites them. . . well, they''re scum anyway, so I''d clean out the bank accounts, close the credit card accounts, and hire our local ''Pit Bull with Lipstick'' divorce lawyer. I hear she collects (*cough*) ''trophies'' from her clients'' exes.

First off, sorry for the long post.


I agree.

There are different kinds of cheating.

If sex were involved, I''m gone (and I''d definitely want that trophy).

If it were "just" a kiss I don''t know. If it stopped there (and I believed it) and he came to me and he broke all ties with her (including a new job if needed) and agreed to therapy and was willing to be very open with everything (e-mails, phone conversations, work place stuff, etc.) for awhile I MIGHT consider staying.

If he had conversations with her and just THOUGHT about the possibility but came clean with me before anything happened, then therapy and breaking all ties with the woman might be enough.



Tough topic. I really don''t think any of us can know for sure what we would do in a situation if we haven''t been there. There are a lot of things that can be different in situations. (chronic illnesses, what trust was like before, the people involved, who it was, if the cheater came clean or got caught)

I trust B. He had a woman friend (married woman with kids) who he talked to regularly. They went to lunch weekly (at least). Went to classes together. If I suggested the 3 of us (or, better still the 4 of us) have lunch, she''d suddenly be busy and not able to make it. I was specifically NOT invited to classes they went to together (in the evening). After a few group events (b-day party, holiday get together, etc.), I got to see how she acted with him and him with her. It was clear that he saw her as just a friend. But she was obviously after a new guy for her life. I talked to him. He got defensive. They had lunch again. I brought it up again. He admitted I may be right. He has stopped all contact with this woman (including phone & e-mail). Now we get together as a group. Me & B and her & her DH.


That I can get past. I''m still hurt that he talked to her about stuff and not me sometimes, but he didn''t mean anything like that.
IF he worked with her or insisted on keeping in contact with her and continued meeting alone (even in public), I don''t think I could get past it. I am pretty sure that would be a situation that would drive us apart and I''d leave.

Physical cheating has to start somewhere. It may be innocent talking and lunches today, but in time (weeks, months, years) it could easily lead to more.


Anyway, I think some situations are bad. Not always sexual (yet) and maybe never will be. The important part after whatever the situation is for both people to understand what the other is feeling. How it hurt the cheated on. What caused the cheater to get to that point. What they can both do to re-build trust and respect. What they can do to make sure the situation never happens again.
If both people aren''t willing to put in the work needed (for however many years) to rebuild the trust and respect then it just won''t work.

 

[lucyandroger]

Not for marriage. SO and I believe marriage is forever. So yes, that would mean that if there were infidelity that would be something we''d have to work through. At this point I cannot imagine what kind of circumstances would lead to either one of us cheating and hope that we will never let our relationship get to a point where I could imagine such circumstances. That''s not to say he would "get away" with cheating. I''m sure there''s a lot of work and healing that has to go into fixing that kind of breach of trust and it wouldn''t be fun for either of us. But to me, committing to marriage is committing to making it work, despite the other person''s faults and mistakes.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

If it were to happen to me tomorrow, I would leave in a heartbeat.

If I had children with my husband and had fallen into the pattern of being crappy wife, then I might look at myself and think "how did I contribute to this?" Not that it justifies cheating--but if our relationship was in a bad place and we'd both forsaken our vows, then I might be more willing to work on it.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:53:59 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
If it were to happen to me tomorrow, I would leave in a heartbeat.

If I had children with my husband and had fallen into the pattern of being crappy wife, then I might look at myself and think ''how did I contribute to this?'' Not that it justifies cheating--but if our relationship was in a bad place and we''d both forsaken our vows, then I might be more willing to work on it.

Pretty much what I was trying to say above, but much more concise!

Well said, NEL!

 

[Upgradable]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:53:53 PM
Author: lucyandroger
Not for marriage. SO and I believe marriage is forever. So yes, that would mean that if there were infidelity that would be something we''d have to work through. At this point I cannot imagine what kind of circumstances would lead to either one of us cheating and hope that we will never let our relationship get to a point where I could imagine such circumstances. That''s not to say he would ''get away'' with cheating. I''m sure there''s a lot of work and healing that has to go into fixing that kind of breach of trust and it wouldn''t be fun for either of us. But to me, committing to marriage is committing to making it work, despite the other person''s faults and mistakes.

This is really how I feel about things. Then again, I''ve been married for 23 years and that has given me a lot of perspective. I have a friend who is going through this and she''s getting input from various sides. I guess I''m just trying to see how/why people would just throw in the towel?

 

[gwendolyn]

99.8% sure it''d be a dealbreaker.

 

[radiantquest]

It depends on what circumstances he had the sex in. If it was someone that I knew he lusted after I would be REALLY upset. If it was a one night stand, like he went out with the guys maybe had too much to drink and slept with someone I think I could forgive. That is not to say that I wouldn''t put him through hell for a while, but I think I would forgive him. If he had an affair and there were emotions involved. If he spent time and money with another woman I would not forgive him. I don''t know if I would divorce him because I don''t really feel like divorce is an option, but I don''t think I would ever forgive him.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:39:00 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
For me, yes, it would be a deal breaker - especially now that we are going to have children. If he wanted to just hurt me, that''s one thing, but hurting the kids would mean I had his cajones on a platter!

Date: 10/5/2009 3:15:30 PM
Author: fiery
I know I''m probably in the minority here but for me it really depends on the circumstances surrounding it.

What possible circumstances would make it ok? Isn''t sex with someone else still sex with someone that is not you?

MonkeyPie, did the fact that you''re having children change your mind about having an open marriage? You absolutely don''t have to answer; I''m just curious as to how you and your DH are working it out.

 

[Steel]

Logically: Yes, it is the end of the marriage

Emotionally: It is not that easy to walk away from an invested relationship when ''you'' have done nothing wrong.



I am a logical person, but I love my husband. Lets hope I never have to make that decision.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:39:00 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
For me, yes, it would be a deal breaker - especially now that we are going to have children. If he wanted to just hurt me, that''s one thing, but hurting the kids would mean I had his cajones on a platter!

Date: 10/5/2009 3:15:30 PM
Author: fiery
I know I''m probably in the minority here but for me it really depends on the circumstances surrounding it.

What possible circumstances would make it ok? Isn''t sex with someone else still sex with someone that is not you?

Like I said, depends on the circumstances surrounding it and I can''t answer as to what situation I would forgive over situations I wouldn''t forgive without going through it. But I am hesitant to say that it is absolutely a deal breaker.

FWIW, My grandfather cheated on my grandmother and had another child with that woman. They worked it out and have been together for 60 years since then and had 5 more children. He''s never cheated again and before each marriage he talks to the groom about it. When we went to NY he sat down with my fiance and talked to him about it as well.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:25:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I *think* it is a dealbreaker. But I find in marriage, oftentimes you don''t know until you get there how you feel.

Same mentality, different starting point. I *think* if I was married, I''d want to try to work through it. But I wouldn''t really know unless I was in the situation.

But if I was just dating/engaged? I''d be gone so fast it''d make the guy''s head spin.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 10/5/2009 4:05:05 PM
Author: kittybean

Date: 10/5/2009 3:39:00 PM

Author: MonkeyPie

For me, yes, it would be a deal breaker - especially now that we are going to have children. If he wanted to just hurt me, that''s one thing, but hurting the kids would mean I had his cajones on a platter!

Date: 10/5/2009 3:15:30 PM

Author: fiery

I know I''m probably in the minority here but for me it really depends on the circumstances surrounding it.

What possible circumstances would make it ok? Isn''t sex with someone else still sex with someone that is not you?

MonkeyPie, did the fact that you''re having children change your mind about having an open marriage? You absolutely don''t have to answer; I''m just curious as to how you and your DH are working it out.

Not in the way it seems - we had already discussed that when children came, the "fun and games" would essentially be over until the kids are grown at least. The fact that we never actually did anything extra-curricular made that even easier lol. But it was never ok for either of us to just go and have sex with somebody - it always had to be discussed. Not talking about it was still cheating.

 

[Haven]

Cheating is a deal breaker for me.
As for the question about why anyone would just throw in the towel--the way I see it, the person who chooses to cheat is the one who is just throwing the marriage away. As the person being cheated on, I am not throwing in the towel, I''m dealing with circumstances that are beyond my control. And, when the circumstances are that someone cheated, I''d have no choice but to leave the relationship. I would never be able to trust that person again, so there would be no chance of having a relationship.

 

[packrat]

I''ve been cheated on by past boyfriends and stayed to "work it out". Dumb. I would say dealbreaker, now. By *now* I mean, right this very second. Who knows how I would feel if it happened. I love my husband and I can''t see walking away from our marriage. However, the blatant disrespect it shows, to cheat on someone..I don''t know that I could get past it, no matter how much I love him. I don''t understand "it just happened". Or I was drunk. Or whatever. We''ve got kids and will be married 8 years, in November, together 10 years January. I don''t want to throw it away, but it wouldn''t be ME throwing it away, it would be the one doing the cheating and the disregard that person has for our marriage vows.

I''m sorry for your friend Uppy-I''m sure it''s gut wrenching for her!

 

[purrfectpear]

100% dealbreaker for me. It has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with honesty and trust. I value myself far too much to stay with someone who is willing to break that trust regardless of whether they were drunk or in love. It''s over.

That said I believe in total freedom to have lunches, dinners, friendships, etc. with the opposite sex. I don''t own the other person. They are completely free to have outside interests that don''t involve me. I don''t have a jealous bone in my body. I have trust. It''s because of that trust that I would walk away if it were abused. I couldn''t be happy in a relationship where I had doubts or felt the need to check up on my partner.

 

[Circe]

It would be a dealbreaker for me, I think, but as TGal said ... it''s hard to say how you''ll react to something in a marriage until it happens. I do think, though, given my personality (I''m a very black and white person), that it would be nigh-on impossible for me to forgive. I can''t picture my husband cheating, but if he did, he''d pretty much have to spend the next year or two, solid, on his KNEES to make it up to me. And I mean day in, day out. If I didn''t see that level of remorse, I''d be gone.

 

[4ever]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:25:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I *think* it is a dealbreaker. But I find in marriage, oftentimes you don''t know until you get there how you feel.

I agree with this. I *think* in certain circumstances I could possibly forgive a one time thing. I don''t expect marrige to be perfect, and there are worse things to go wrong. I think if he ever hit me, that would be a much bigger deal to me.

I''d be much more concerned with the cause of the behaviour, as in "what''s gone wrong in our relationship for something like that to happen?"

SO is perfectly clear, for him cheating is a deal breaker, no ifs buts or maybes.