Fidelity

[gemgirl]

Date: 10/12/2009 2:19:38 PM
Author: princesss
Gemgirl, thank you so much for sharing in this thread. I''m not married, but this has given me so much to think about, and I''m storing the information for future use (though, to be honest, I really hope I never have to use it in this context). But I think it''s important to remember that we can and will let each other down, but that we can come back from it.

I like what you have to say about your relationship being made up of choices you make every day. That really resonated with me. In the almost 5 years BF and I have been together we''ve gone through a few rough patches, (including one rough patch that ksinger actually helped me through, and whose help I am eternally grateful for), and what I took away from them was that I can choose the relationship every day, and I can choose to grow WITH him. It''d be naive to say that nothing bad will ever happen to us, but I what I do think it''s safe to say is that the wisdom you''re sharing will be a part of my arsenal when battling those bad things.

It takes a lot to open up so publicly about something so difficult, but please know you''re helping many of us by sharing.

My husband and I are down the road far enough that we''ve been helping other couples improve their marriages for years and I can''t tell you how many times I have heard people say that they hadn''t done anything wrong until they were found out. I''m sitting here and I''m grinning the same grin I have every time I hear that. It''s sort of similar to "if a tree falls in the woods and there''s no one around to hear it, did it make a noise?" They cheated or they lied or they manipulated whether their spouses knew it or not! It''s not negotiable, a wrong is a wrong, no matter what. Our lives are about the choices we make every day. Our personal integrity is about those choices. And when you marry, the protection of your marriage is about those choices.

We''ll never be able to stop the involuntary bad things from happening in our lives. Yes some day one of us might get fired, we might be forced to sell our homes for some reason, someone in our families might be diagnosed with cancer. Other bad "outside sourced" things are bound to happen because no ones'' lives are perfect. Those are things we can''t help. But there are an awful LOT of things we have control of, and an awful lot of hurts and sources of pain that we can keep away from our door because of carefully made choices.

We believe in our ministry "what we have been given, give it as a gift", and that''s why some couples choose to stay on and help other''s in pain. Our whole lives at this point, believe it or not, have become an offshoot of everything we''ve learned in the past ten years. It has positively affected every last thing we''re involved with.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 10/12/2009 1:03:08 PM
Author: Haven
Cehra--I definitely agree with you, there. It sounds like Bliss is saying something similar--prepare for the worst, expect the best. And I do, I really do.

I believe that our expectations for life affect our reality and the way we interpret it, that there is a sort of power to expectation. If I knew then what I know now, I think I would have missed out on a lot of life''s joy because I would have been focusing on the difficulties. (However, knowing then would have spared me some awful photographs from the 80s. The perm, the mall bangs, the neon stirrup pants!)

Agreed. Yes, cheating, illnesses, death and drama do exist. I''m also aware there''s a possibility that I''d be hit on the head by a falling brick while walking on the street, or bitten by a deadly poisonous spider, but I refuse to think about it. If that makes me naive, so be it.

Btw, I completely agree with ksinger''s comment about Grandma who''s been there, done that. Let us, today''s youth, never forget that our parents and grandparents can offer us wisdom only experience can grant. And in turn, may our parents and grandparents always remember that sometimes wisdom comes from the heart and not the number of candles on your birthday cake.

 

[Upgradable]

Date: 10/12/2009 2:54:24 PM
Author: gemgirl

Date: 10/12/2009 2:15:08 PM
Author: Bliss
Wow, gemgirl. I am in awe of you. To forgive someone for one of the biggest wounds a human being can experience, is a miracle. I wish we could all meet this challenge, should we be faced with something of this magnitude. It is to humble oneself, to truly learn what it means to love and to forgive... that''s where the rubber meets the road. Walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

God, that is so difficult and I commend you. Some people run, some people stay - but you made a definite CHOICE and stayed for reasons that only God and a select few human beings would be able to truly understand. Wow. I have had friends and seen what devastation a situation like this can wreak on a human soul. It is really awful and I cannot imagine the tremendous amount of faith and hope it would take to overcome it. I have no words! You are amazing. I remember watching the inauguration and President Obama said something to the effect of, ''What if Love were the most powerful word in existence?'' And it truly made me think. Maybe it is.

Dear Bliss, you are such a sweetheart. Thank you for your kind words.

It is very very hard to forgive such a terrible and profound personal hurt, and for me it did not come fast and it did not come easy. I think especially for a woman, any devoted woman of faith, it''s a profound hurt, believing that you gave your spouse your all but it still wasn''t enough. But, as we''ve been taught and as we repeat tens of thousands of time in our life times, ''forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us''.
If we expect to be forgiven ourselves for any of our life''s wrong doings, we must forgive others. It took me three or four years to understand this fully. It didn''t come easy. I kept giving it all to God as instructed, He is strong enough to carry all of our burdens I was reassured; but it wasn''t until three or four years down the road that one day in church (my favorite place to be around 3 pm when it''s empty except for me), in a loud voice, crying and pleading at the top of my voice, I asked Him to lift the burden of this pain off my shoulders. Within a short time afterwards, I realized I was free! I had truly forgiven my husband and my heart and my days were lighter.

What it comes down to is loving someone unconditionally, just as our God as promised to love us. That''s what marriage is all about! That''s what life is all about. Love is all there is.....

The faith and the hope came from our fellow Retrouvaille couples when we couldn''t do it ourselves. We lean on each other when our will and our strength isn''t enough. To them I will forever be grateful.

I am sitting here reading with tears in my eyes. Thank you, all you wonderful strong growing ladies for sharing your heart and minds with all of us. I am truly in awe of the wisdom that has been posted here!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 10/12/2009 1:37:15 PM
Author: Squirrly

Date: 10/12/2009 1:15:02 PM

Author: Bliss

Gotta be aware and keep an eye out for the weeds and the pesky squirrels that keep eating the fruit off of your trees.

i did not have any relations with that fruit.

too bad

 

[gemgirl]

Uppy, how is your friend doing?

 

[Upgradable]

I haven''t talked to her since Tuesday. We were supposed to go out for soup and salad but I had a sore thoat. I had better give her a call. I''ll have to wait until after the OU/Texas game though. Game time is sacred in Oklahoma!