Divorce Is Not/Never An Option

[Mekp]

I've been divorced. My marriage was horrible. He refused to get a job, was verbally and psychologically abusive, constantly angry. We walked on eggshells around him. Then I found out about the cheating and drugs and I was done. I divorced him even though he promised to do better. That wasn't a marriage and nothing could save it.

He went to rehab. Then he went to an intensive with a psychologist who specializes in abusive men. I moved on with my life.

4 years later our daughter got really sick with a neurological condition and our son was diagnosed with a genetic condition that will blind him. It was the hardest time I have ever gone through. I couldn't do it as a single mother and so, out of desperation, I leaned on him. Unlike the 10 years we were married he never let me down. He was kind and patient and self reflective. He was employed. He was committed to making amends.

3 years later I remarried him.

I don't for one second regret divorcing him. I completely believe that was necessary. I couldn't have stayed in that mess. I also don't think he would have grown if he hadn't lost everything as a consequence of his behaviour.

I don't actually think people take divorce lightly. Of the divorced people I know, there was really egregious behaviour by one partner, either abuse, cheating (which I would argue is abuse), addiction, etc. This makes sense to me because divorce, especially with children, is really, really hard. I think divorce should always be on the table. Marriage should be a choice, not imprisonment.

 

[missy]

No one should judge another unless you’ve walked in their exact proverbial shoes.

 

[ame]

What are your thoughts on couples who believe this "popular" mantra "Divorce is not an option/We don't believe in Divorce."

I have met a few, self-righteous couples who constantly allude to this. Granted, they appear very happily married...but nobody really knows about someone's marriage right?

My husband is one of the "rare" (I guess) men who believes in this. He says there are no divorces in his family, people stay together "til death do they part." He also said one of the things that solidified marriage to him was "NO divorce" even in the worst of times...interesting right? My husband said that unless there is abuse there should be no divorce (he even said "cheating can be worked through")

What are your thoughts on the "divorce is not an option/don't believe in divorce" I think divorce is sad but sometimes necessary...but that's my opinion...

Thoughts? Opinions? Facts? Details?

We said that too and we're 7 months into our Divorce. There are certain things that can occur during a marriage that make that suddenly be an option, and sometimes the only option. There's also just growing apart, not acrimonious but realizing that you're better apart.

 

[partgypsy]

I'm sorry to hear about that Ame. I least I feel I gained a lot of understanding in working on the things I can control, and letting go of the things I cannot.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I was married for 26 years--and I thought that divorce was not an option. I believed in 'until death do us part'. But that's not how it worked out.
One person cannot make a marriage work. It takes two people who are both committed. You can't force someone to love you or be committed to being married.

Love (or commitment) does not conquer all. So don't judge anyone who gets divorced as you have no idea what they lived through. It could be any combination of infidelity, substance abuse, emotional/vebal/physical abuse, mental health issues, financial problems, etc.

 

[DiaDiva]

I was married for 26 years--and I thought that divorce was not an option. I believed in 'until death do us part'. But that's not how it worked out.
One person cannot make a marriage work. It takes two people who are both committed. You can't force someone to love you or be committed to being married.

Love (or commitment) does not conquer all. So don't judge anyone who gets divorced as you have no idea what they lived through. It could be any combination of infidelity, substance abuse, emotional/vebal/physical abuse, mental health issues, financial problems, etc.

So true. The same thing happened to me. We were married for 15 years but one person really cannot make a marriage work.

I'm extremely blessed that my life is now emotionally and financially better after the divorce than it was while married to my ex.

All the best to you, Elizabeth.

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

I’m not married, we are thinking of doing it soon, but not there yet.

I’m thinking of the people in my life who are the “never getting divorced” type, usually of my parents’ ages. I think it’s fine and healthy to feel that way if it’s an expression of your mutual love and respect for each other.

I think it becomes a problem if you start tolerating abuse, infidelity etc because you don’t want the stigma of being divorced.

My parents have these friends who just grew apart, but neither of them want to divorce. They lead separate lives but live in the same house, but it seems to work for them (they don’t seem unhappy).

 

[cmd2014]

I am also learning that one person cannot make a marriage work. I really think there is something special about making the commitment to another person that they have become your family and that you will work things out together. To choose to forgive the things that the other person can't be for you (as no-one can be all things to anybody) and to find ways to love anyway. To do the work when things are hard or to ride things out if that's what's needed (as some things will pass without the need to do anything but give it time). I have always been committed to this philosophy. I am committed to it now, even though I am fairly certain that my marriage is not going to survive. Not by my choice, and I never thought we would be here, but here we are and I am working on accepting it.

But some things are deal breakers. Abuse is non-negotiable for me. Infidelity. Addictions. Financial irresponsibility (and I'm not talking about the small stuff or the stuff that happens in life like a job loss or an unexpected health expense or unexpected repairs on a house that no one could predict - but a willful disregard for financial responsibility that causes harm to the stability of the family). Chronic unkindness. I am also slowly coming to terms with the knowledge that untreated mental health issues can also be a deal breaker. That if one partner can't or won't become the partner that you deserve to have, that maybe this is also enough. That while you may be doing the work and voicing things that are hard to say and being willing to make compromises and negotiate a way of being with each other that will work for you both, that if the other person is not willing to do that with you, there's not much you can do. And it's hard. So while I would never have been one to have divorce off the table, I also wouldn't have been one to pull that trigger without knowing in my heart that I had done everything in my power to meet my commitment to the one that I loved. Sadly, both of you have to be in that place for it to work.

 

[Elizabeth35]

So true. The same thing happened to me. We were married for 15 years but one person really cannot make a marriage work.

I'm extremely blessed that my life is now emotionally and financially better after the divorce than it was while married to my ex.

All the best to you, Elizabeth.

Aww--thanks DiaDiva. All the best to you as well.
Sometimes it takes getting out of a bad situation to make you realize you were not happy!
I am the queen of do-overs and my life turned out so much happier after my divorce.

 

[Rons Wolfe]

I think one thing important is that both parties be on the same page going into the marriage. Having one take the vows seriously and the other being 'till arguement do us part' really would undermine any trust going in. I'm newly married, and trust him in every way imaginable, including not to just walk away if I say the wrong thing one day. He has the same trust in me, he knows I'm 'in it to win it'. We're both older, I realize it makes that part easier.

 

[allycat0303]

I haven’t been on PS in a while, but this thread spoke to me even though the last post was a long time ago. For me, making a marriage work depends on your tolerance level of pain. Almost everyone goes into a marriage thinking “divorce is not an option” and then time, and suffering changes your perceptions.

Do I believe in concept of divorce? Absolutely. Everyone has the right to be happy. And some people cannot be happy within the confines of their marriage.

Did I believe in “Divorce is not an option” for myself? Yes I did. However, the problem with that statement is there are TWO people in the marriage. And it only takes one person to break the marriage vows.

Did my husband believe “Divorce is not an option?” He seemed to when we
married. Life has taught me that despite being with someone for 13 years before we got married, you really can have no clue.

I would state that “Divorce is always an option” simply because you cannot control your spouse.

 

[missy]

I would state that “Divorce is always an option” simply because you cannot control your spouse.

100% agree. You can only control you and no one else. Life happens and it is not always (or often) within our control.


Hi @allycat0303 it's nice to "see" you here. I hope you are doing well and I am sending you good thoughts and best wishes across the miles.

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Missy,

I saw some of your threads and almost popped into say hi, but wasn’t sure you would remember me. I have not been on in years and years. It’s nice to see some familiar faces.

 

[La2020]

To me, divorce is an option when the marriage threatens the safety, health and the emotional sanity of the spouse and/or children.

 

[PinkAndBlueBling]

On a different note what I find Interesting is the trend of how many couples have divorced today vs. 100+ years ago. It all seems to have come with women's liberation. It can appear as though people, especially women, aren't taking marriage as seriously anymore

Several factors have caused the divorce rate to increase over the past 100 years, but women are not the problem. There are two people in a marriage. Why on earth would you blame the woman? Women's liberation means women could work, vote, have opinions, and not take crap. People need to be happy in a marriage, and in order to be happy you need to be free to be yourself. Women going to work drove the rate up because there was no longer this idea that men work and women stay home. Women were able to make money and be independent and not be controlled by a man. Working didn't mean a marriage would fail. Society's view of divorce has evolved, too. It's no longer taboo. Women are no longer expected to be married by 20, either. You also don't have to have a "shotgun" wedding, although some still do and the ones I know of have failed.

Men used to have mistresses and it was accepted, not just in Western cultures. It was almost a given in some places. Women were expected to stay with abusive men. Women were expected to "know their place" and not speak up. Remember, women dress sexy, they're asking to be raped. Men could not legally be charged with raping their spouse. The economy also played a role. Men were the big breadwinners, but times change, and women need to have jobs so the family can survive, but she also has to deal with the kids and making dinner. Along with this comes her wanting an education, and guess what? Women have brains and are able to fill several roles.

Men and women cheat. Both can be abusive. I have a male friend who was abused by his now ex-wife. I know men and women who cheated. There's a guy who cheated and the wife still doesn't know. She thinks they've had 40+ years of fidelity, and he even bought a condo for the mistress! Then there's the husband who cheated repeatedly, gave the wife STIs, and she stayed.

My parents split when I was a teen. They remained good friends until he died. My in-laws remained married until her death and they were an awful couple. My aunt went back to college in her 40s. She always worked. She was an independent woman, and remained married to my uncle until he died at 93. Her "liberation" had everything to do with her being valued at home and at work, making her fulfilled.

People need to be valued and respected, and also communicate with each other. Also, remember: you never know what happens in a house after they close the door.

 

[MoxiRoxi]

Oh my, maybe I’m the first one to post that is on her 3rd marriage. So yeah, for me divorce was totally an option. But allow me to explain

I married my first husband at 21, did all the right and wholesome things... bought a home, had 2 babies but by the time I was 30, I realized I chose the wrong partner. He was a good man, a good dad, but in no way right for me. I was so in love with the idea of the house, the babies that I made my first poor decision and realized I needed to be divorced or my personal growth would be stifled by my choice to stay in an unfulfilling marriage.

After that divorce my family consistently beat the “oh those poor boys growing up in a broken home” Drum. No One considered what their lives would be like with a very unhappy mom. But alas, I felt like such an outcast, I married my next husband without fully vetting the relationship. I just didn’t want my boys home to be broken any more...

For the next 10 years, my boys were raised in a home with a depressed step dad and a mom who didn’t want to break up yet another family. So I stayed and he stayed depressed until i Finally got the courage to stand up for myself and my now teen and collage age boys and ended the marriage.

My darling #3 came along a few years after that divorce and after I learned how to stop worrying about what people thought about my now multiple divorces. Which I did not take lightly. They were equally devastating for different reasons.

Funny thing is now, I don’t feel like divorce is an option. I attribute that 100% to choosing the right partner and really being able to just be myself, be authentic and real. Speak my truth and share all the best and the worst parts of myself. Those are areas where I failed my exes. had I been myself, we wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place

No regrets, just retrospect.
M.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Actually I can't understand why something which is a societal construct would need to be put above everything else in your life, such as happiness, health and generally the fulfillment of the lives of the people participating in it.

A marriage is a wonderful thing, its an opportunity to invest yourself in building up a life with someone else and in their happiness -- and in my experience what makes it successful is when these action also increases your mutual happiness. If there is some reason why you can not be happy in building this life (good reason, bad reason. It really doesn't matter). Then you would hope both parties would come together to work out how to fix this, including full consideration of all options such as divorce.

 

[Aerielle Max]

A divorce is only an option if there is physical abuse and there is adultery or concubinage - other than that no other grounds are valid for divorce since marriage is a bond that God's blessed and must not be broken by any man.

 

[Mermaid Princess Kokomi]

I believe divorce is an option and we should always make it an option because you can't force yourself to be happy in a marriage when you aren't.