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Divorce Is Not/Never An Option

Mekp

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 15, 2016
Messages
124
I've been divorced. My marriage was horrible. He refused to get a job, was verbally and psychologically abusive, constantly angry. We walked on eggshells around him. Then I found out about the cheating and drugs and I was done. I divorced him even though he promised to do better. That wasn't a marriage and nothing could save it.

He went to rehab. Then he went to an intensive with a psychologist who specializes in abusive men. I moved on with my life.

4 years later our daughter got really sick with a neurological condition and our son was diagnosed with a genetic condition that will blind him. It was the hardest time I have ever gone through. I couldn't do it as a single mother and so, out of desperation, I leaned on him. Unlike the 10 years we were married he never let me down. He was kind and patient and self reflective. He was employed. He was committed to making amends.

3 years later I remarried him.

I don't for one second regret divorcing him. I completely believe that was necessary. I couldn't have stayed in that mess. I also don't think he would have grown if he hadn't lost everything as a consequence of his behaviour.

I don't actually think people take divorce lightly. Of the divorced people I know, there was really egregious behaviour by one partner, either abuse, cheating (which I would argue is abuse), addiction, etc. This makes sense to me because divorce, especially with children, is really, really hard. I think divorce should always be on the table. Marriage should be a choice, not imprisonment.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
35,047
No one should judge another unless you’ve walked in their exact proverbial shoes.
 

ame

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 7, 2004
Messages
10,742
What are your thoughts on couples who believe this "popular" mantra "Divorce is not an option/We don't believe in Divorce."

I have met a few, self-righteous couples who constantly allude to this. Granted, they appear very happily married...but nobody really knows about someone's marriage right?

My husband is one of the "rare" (I guess) men who believes in this. He says there are no divorces in his family, people stay together "til death do they part." He also said one of the things that solidified marriage to him was "NO divorce" even in the worst of times...interesting right? My husband said that unless there is abuse there should be no divorce (he even said "cheating can be worked through")

What are your thoughts on the "divorce is not an option/don't believe in divorce" I think divorce is sad but sometimes necessary...but that's my opinion...

Thoughts? Opinions? Facts? Details?
We said that too and we're 7 months into our Divorce. There are certain things that can occur during a marriage that make that suddenly be an option, and sometimes the only option. There's also just growing apart, not acrimonious but realizing that you're better apart.
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,403
I'm sorry to hear about that Ame. I least I feel I gained a lot of understanding in working on the things I can control, and letting go of the things I cannot.
 
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Elizabeth35

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 24, 2011
Messages
432
I was married for 26 years--and I thought that divorce was not an option. I believed in 'until death do us part'. But that's not how it worked out.
One person cannot make a marriage work. It takes two people who are both committed. You can't force someone to love you or be committed to being married.

Love (or commitment) does not conquer all. So don't judge anyone who gets divorced as you have no idea what they lived through. It could be any combination of infidelity, substance abuse, emotional/vebal/physical abuse, mental health issues, financial problems, etc.
 

DiaDiva

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 7, 2004
Messages
1,892
I was married for 26 years--and I thought that divorce was not an option. I believed in 'until death do us part'. But that's not how it worked out.
One person cannot make a marriage work. It takes two people who are both committed. You can't force someone to love you or be committed to being married.

Love (or commitment) does not conquer all. So don't judge anyone who gets divorced as you have no idea what they lived through. It could be any combination of infidelity, substance abuse, emotional/vebal/physical abuse, mental health issues, financial problems, etc.
So true. The same thing happened to me. We were married for 15 years but one person really cannot make a marriage work.

I'm extremely blessed that my life is now emotionally and financially better after the divorce than it was while married to my ex.

All the best to you, Elizabeth.
 
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Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
277
I’m not married, we are thinking of doing it soon, but not there yet.

I’m thinking of the people in my life who are the “never getting divorced” type, usually of my parents’ ages. I think it’s fine and healthy to feel that way if it’s an expression of your mutual love and respect for each other.

I think it becomes a problem if you start tolerating abuse, infidelity etc because you don’t want the stigma of being divorced.

My parents have these friends who just grew apart, but neither of them want to divorce. They lead separate lives but live in the same house, but it seems to work for them (they don’t seem unhappy).
 

cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 6, 2014
Messages
2,530
I am also learning that one person cannot make a marriage work. I really think there is something special about making the commitment to another person that they have become your family and that you will work things out together. To choose to forgive the things that the other person can't be for you (as no-one can be all things to anybody) and to find ways to love anyway. To do the work when things are hard or to ride things out if that's what's needed (as some things will pass without the need to do anything but give it time). I have always been committed to this philosophy. I am committed to it now, even though I am fairly certain that my marriage is not going to survive. Not by my choice, and I never thought we would be here, but here we are and I am working on accepting it.

But some things are deal breakers. Abuse is non-negotiable for me. Infidelity. Addictions. Financial irresponsibility (and I'm not talking about the small stuff or the stuff that happens in life like a job loss or an unexpected health expense or unexpected repairs on a house that no one could predict - but a willful disregard for financial responsibility that causes harm to the stability of the family). Chronic unkindness. I am also slowly coming to terms with the knowledge that untreated mental health issues can also be a deal breaker. That if one partner can't or won't become the partner that you deserve to have, that maybe this is also enough. That while you may be doing the work and voicing things that are hard to say and being willing to make compromises and negotiate a way of being with each other that will work for you both, that if the other person is not willing to do that with you, there's not much you can do. And it's hard. So while I would never have been one to have divorce off the table, I also wouldn't have been one to pull that trigger without knowing in my heart that I had done everything in my power to meet my commitment to the one that I loved. Sadly, both of you have to be in that place for it to work.
 

Elizabeth35

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 24, 2011
Messages
432
So true. The same thing happened to me. We were married for 15 years but one person really cannot make a marriage work.

I'm extremely blessed that my life is now emotionally and financially better after the divorce than it was while married to my ex.

All the best to you, Elizabeth.
Aww--thanks DiaDiva. All the best to you as well.
Sometimes it takes getting out of a bad situation to make you realize you were not happy!
I am the queen of do-overs and my life turned out so much happier after my divorce.
 
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