Caring for the elderly.

[Skippy123]

Date: 4/28/2008 8:13:43 AM
Author: Ellen
See, that''s the way it should be (unless it''s a true emergancy). And I truly hope I am not demanding when I get older, I don''t think I''ll be, unless I''ve lost my senses maybe.

Of course, some might argue I''m halfway there....

I don''t think any of us want to be this way but I honestly think sometimes we sort of lose sense in the way we behave. I have seen some older people that are fine and then they get lots older and become quite difficult. I am not trying to excuse people I just think something more is going on in the brain that may cause that. I do think if they were always a pain then that is just them all their life.

Lisa, I am glad your dad is showing his appreciation to you; that is so important.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/28/2008 10:30:16 AM
Author: Skippy123
I don''t think any of us want to be this way but I honestly think sometimes we sort of lose sense in the way we behave. I have seen some older people that are fine and then they get lots older and become quite difficult. I am not trying to excuse people I just think something more is going on in the brain that may cause that. I do think if they were always a pain then that is just them all their life.

You may be right. I just really don''t want to get old and cranky.

 

[diamondsrock]

I think every person is different. Some older people may keep their personality their whole lives, others may have theirs change somewhat due to the aging process or mental problems such as dementia, etc.
I think one thing I've noticed in my life is that the eldery I've encountered do tend to become impatient. I saw it with my dh's gram and I see it in my own grandmother, and I've heard from friends the same thing about their aging loved ones. My grandmother has come somewhat to understand that I'm not going to drop everything and go out and do her errand for her (unless it's important of course!), but it's taken some prodding and gentle reminding on my part. She does often say "when you have time" and I know she's trying to mean it, but deep down she would prefer it done sooner than later! Lol! I do get the impression that she would absolutely love it if her errand was done within the hour! So to be honest, it's on my mind to get done because I know she is waiting. A few months ago she was flipping out because she was on her last bottle of glaucoma eyedrops, and she needed a backup right away. I told her you just started the bottle and it should be good for a month at least so don't stress about it. She just couldn't rest until she got that bottle of eyedrops, so I had my dad get them for her since I was at work and I didn't think she could wait 3-4 days when I could get to the doctor's (they were giving her a free sample). Rationally I think she knew she didn't need them but emotionally she couldn't bear to wait. That's what I'm talking about and I think that comes with age.
I do love her and am honored to be able to help her, and although some days I want to tear my hair out, I'm glad I can be help to her in her aging years. It's nice to have a place to vent to people who understand, because a lot of people don't get it and probably see it as complaining when I'm just trying to keep it together!

 

[Ellen]

dr, you are doing a great job, at understanding her, and taking care of her.

And I''m tellin ya, we''re all earning angel wings.

 

[Kaleigh]

DR, I agree with Ellen. You are doing a fab job. You seem to be coping well. WE all want to pull our hair out at times. But in the end, you sigh and let things be. Or bite the tongue, LOL.

My Dad''s appointment with the psychiatrist is tomorrow, not Wednesday. Anyway, he''s looking forward to talking to him. He asked me what do I say?? Where do I begin. I said, well, talk about what is bothering you today. What your major concerns are. I have found out through my husband, that a lot of it is from Dad''s anxiety about caring for my Mom.

I told Dad that being a caregiver is tough. But I said, look, Mom doesn''t have Cancer. She''s got aches and pains. You do everything for her, so she''s able to stay in bed much of the day. I said, you have a choice here. You''ll have to make her do more. I will have to speak to her about this as well. But am concentrating on him right now as his needs are more crucial.

He said but I can''t cope with all of this. I have no brain. He''s got a brain, just one that is overwhelmed. I said, well, do you want me to say OK Dad, it''s fine I will take over and do everything for you. I said if I do that I will be enabling you. You will have to put one foot in front of the other. Get up, and start each day as best as you can. I said I will be here to guide you along the way. But no way, am I going to let you be a shut in like Mom is. I said, you don''t want to be like that do you? ( I am not a hard as*, just know him too well and have been here before. )

He said no, you''re right. And said how much he appreciated my help. He said, you''re always so wise...
We''ll see how wise I am, LOL. But have a good track record so far.

He also needs to find a hobby, a passion or a way of giving back. He said he can''t help anyone right now. I said, you have tons of experience, pay it forward, so am looking for something that is appropriate. I think he''d be thrilled to be able to help other''s in need. And that would in turn help him.

 

[Ellen]

Lisa, I''m really praying things go well at the appt., and that your dad is encouraged to continue, and maybe that will be enough to get him psyched that things can turn around.

I tell ya, I almost get misty eyed every time I read you talking about your dad. I miss mine so much, I wish he was still here. You are lucky, whether it seems like it or not.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 4/29/2008 7:14:26 AM
Author: Ellen
Lisa, I'm really praying things go well at the appt., and that your dad is encouraged to continue, and maybe that will be enough to get him psyched that things can turn around.

I tell ya, I almost get misty eyed every time I read you talking about your dad. I miss mine so much, I wish he was still here. You are lucky, whether it seems like it or not.

Ahhh Ellen, I am sorry, hugs. Your dad sounds like a wonderful man; I think it is so tough when someone had a huge presence and was such a big influence on us that makes it even harder when they are gone. I miss so many loved ones that touched me so I can't imagine losing your dad. Hugs dear friend.


Lisa, I am glad he is listening to you; prayers outgoing for continued positivity and appreciation from your father.


Linda, how is your mom doing? You???

 

[Ellen]

Thanks Skippy, he was one of my best friends.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ellen,
I am sorry. I know you miss your Dad very much. You must have been a great daughter to him. This stuff is always so tough.

Linda,
I hope you are hanging in there.

Skippy,
Thanks, I am glad he''s listening to me too. It makes things so much easier. The appointment went well. The Psychiatrist is really a great guy. Dad had a long chat with him. Then he talked to me. We are on the same page, as far as a plan of care is concerned. Dad is a wreck. But he''s on a new medicine that in a week or so should let in some light. Right now, it''s just darkness. Hard to watch, but I have every faith that things will get better.

They have to.

 

[Ellen]

Good to hear it went well. Hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel, and the tunnel is short!

And thank you Lisa.

 

[justjulia]

It sounds like a lot of good things got done today. I''m so glad the psychiatrist appt went well. Ellen, that was a sweet thing to say about your dad-I''m kinda speechless about that- it made me think.


On a completely selfish side note, I finally got my root canal done today. I am SO glad. Now I''m headed out to buy glass to fix a window pane my son has kicked a soccer ball into. Hey, I don''t care, I''m out of pain!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/29/2008 6:17:20 PM
Author: justjulia
It sounds like a lot of good things got done today. I''m so glad the psychiatrist appt went well. Ellen, that was a sweet thing to say about your dad-I''m kinda speechless about that- it made me think.


On a completely selfish side note, I finally got my root canal done today. I am SO glad. Now I''m headed out to buy glass to fix a window pane my son has kicked a soccer ball into. Hey, I don''t care, I''m out of pain!

Isn''t it wonderful? Been there, done that. NOT fun.


And thanks julia.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/29/2008 6:36:58 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 4/29/2008 6:17:20 PM

Author: justjulia

It sounds like a lot of good things got done today. I''m so glad the psychiatrist appt went well. Ellen, that was a sweet thing to say about your dad-I''m kinda speechless about that- it made me think.



On a completely selfish side note, I finally got my root canal done today. I am SO glad. Now I''m headed out to buy glass to fix a window pane my son has kicked a soccer ball into. Hey, I don''t care, I''m out of pain!

Isn''t it wonderful? Been there, done that. NOT fun.



And thanks julia.

Yeah, I''m looking fwd to a good night''s sleep. Thanks.

 

[diamondsrock]

julia, so glad you will be getting some relief from your pain! Root canals don''t sound like much fun to me, but better to get the problem fixed. Enjoy your restful sleep tonight, especially if they gave you painkillers, too!

ellen, I''m sure your dad was a wonderful person and I''m sorry you miss him, but I understand why you would. Like someone else said, I''ll bet you were a great daughter to him. I''ve seen friends go through that and it is very difficult.

lisa, I think it''s great that your dad talked to a psychiatrist. I really do think him volunteering somewhere would do him a world of good, to get out of the house and help someone, be social, feel meaningful, etc. Maybe there is a local place he can give some time to? A combination of that with his new meds will hopefully make a difference in his attitude and feelings towards life.

 

[Linda W]

Hello my friends,

I had a horrible visit with my mom on Sunday. She had her cancer surgery a week and a half ago, and it was the first time DH and I were able to go and visit her. She lives an hour away from us.

My 6 year old grandson was ill, and I had to stay home to take care of him, so my brother was staying with my mom.

DH and I went over to visit her and to do all of her grocery shopping for her and to run some other errands.

She really made me feel awful. Every time I said something, she kept answering with " you are going to be sorry one day". Finally I got upset and said "sorry for what mom". She just glared at me.

I love my mother dearly, but she has always been somewhat controlling. I don''t like visiting with her that much anymore and that makes me feel even worse. I really feel like a bad person, but I hate being told "you are going to be sorry one day". What the hell am I going to be sorry for? Sorry because I can''t visit because I am taking care of my sick grandchild?

Sorry for venting here, I am just so frustrated, like all of you get at times.

Lisa: How are you doing with your parents?

Ellen: How have you been?


Linda, who feels irritated tonight

 

[diamondfan]

Linda, I am sorry. You are too dear a person to feel badly. You are doing right by her, and it makes it tough to continue to do so if you are not treated well.

I just wish things could be simpler.

Someone told me that age often magnifies the less attractive traits of someone. I have certainly seen that in my mother in law. Stuff that was not great 18 years ago is horrendous now. I only hope she is in a happy state from her visit to NY, with a lovely condo to stay in at no charge, with a concierge to assist her, thanks to me and her son. She has gotten to see friends, see a show, go out, have lovely weather, so I only hope she comes to me happy and in fine health.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/7/2008 1:00:56 AM
Author: diamondfan
Linda, I am sorry. You are too dear a person to feel badly. You are doing right by her, and it makes it tough to continue to do so if you are not treated well.

I just wish things could be simpler.

Indeed.

Linda, I take it she did not answer your question? At any rate, if you are doing what you can, and know in your heart that you''re trying, that''s really all that matters. I know how hurtful a parent can be, but you have to realize they are the one with the problem, not you. And then let it go. If you don''t it just festers. Don''t do that to yourself, you don''t deserve it, and really, what good comes out of it? None.

So just keep doing what you''re doing, and let the rest go. When she says hurtful things, just look at her and think, It''s you, not me. It really does help, if you believe it.

Thank you for checking in, I have been wondering how things were going.

I am doing fine. Things are just going along normally at this point. Thanks for asking. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Linda W]

Thank you Ellen, you are such a dear. I am so thankful you started this thread. It is so helpful.

My mom swore, she would never be like my grandmother and she is turning out to be just like her. Controlling issues. My daughter works a lot and I take care of my two little grandsons, so when they are ill, I can''t get over to visit her. I think that is what bothers her, but who knows.

Like you said, I try not to let it bother me, but it does. My DH really gets upset, he doesn''t like to see me upset.

I am glad you are doing OK.

Love, Linda

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh Linda,
I am so sorry. That''s very hurtful but you must realize it has nothing to do with you. She''s just miserable and needs someone to take it out on. Yanno? It sucks but that''s what it is. I think you are doing a great job with her, so you know that, and let what she says roll off your back. Trust me after all those years with Nanny, that''s the best lesson I learned.
HUGS!!!!
Lisa

 

[Linda W]

Thank you Lisa, you are so darn sweet. How are you doing with your parents? I hope you don''t mind me asking.

Linda

 

[Kaleigh]

Linda,
Thanks. My Dad is a wee bit better, he's on Abilify. But the man is still such a wreck. It's hard to watch. I have to go over everything with him. It's like working with a 5 year old. I am glad he's able to do things for himself, and for my Mom. I know the day will come when all that will be on me... He's been very appreciative of my help and my advice. He's actually being nice for a change instead of being beligerent. (SP) I was cracking up with my Aunt the other day, I said ya know one day he's going to get well and be his old self, I said he'll go back to saying we are dummies and don't know anything.

My Mom is able to do things, but she chooses to stay in bed. Getting my Dad to stop enabling her, has been hard. But yesterday, he said, Ann if you want lunch, go get it yourself!! Gotta love it. I have seen her go up and down the stairs when she thinks I can't see her and she's like a jack rabbit. So her days of being waited on hand and foot are over.

 

[Linda W]

Lisa,

I am so glad your dad is doing better. I hope your mom will learn to take care of herself, but it is hard to change their habits. My grandmother was like that. My grandfather waited on her hand and foot. She was so spoiled, but I loved her dearly.

Thank God your parents have you to help them. You are such a dear, sweet person.
Linda

 

[justjulia]

Linda,

I feel for you. My mother acted similarly. I remember her saying to me, "it''s not all about you all the time" when I tried to be three people at once, taking my son to a Saturday debate tournament instead of delivering coca cola packs to her at assisted living. I remember thinking, "huh?" She was also sulking about my teenagers not calling her more, when she made very little to nil effort to see or talk to them growing up (despite endless invitations to our home or children''s softball and baseball games/dance shows/art shows/school functions, etc and offers to bring her 2 hrs to us) (she smoked heavily and we could not physically handle spending a lot of time at her place)--she did catch herself there and said she probably deserved it.
Sigh. What cha gonna do? I just did my best not to start another world war. It took a lot of holding my tongue.

 

[justjulia]

Kaleigh,

I''m glad to hear things are looking up for your dad. Sounds like the med is working.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/7/2008 2:04:46 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Oh Linda,
I am so sorry. That's very hurtful but you must realize it has nothing to do with you. She's just miserable and needs someone to take it out on. Yanno? It sucks but that's what it is. I think you are doing a great job with her, so you know that, and let what she says roll off your back. Trust me after all those years with Nanny, that's the best lesson I learned.
HUGS!!!!
Lisa

Yanno, part of it can be this. I remember at the end, my dad had been in the nursing home, and for whatever reason they released him (this was 2 1/2 weeks before he died)

, anyway I took him home. Set everything up (and I only lived 4 houses away), and since he was so limited on counter space, I put the gal jug of water on the floor so he'd have more room. I had already filled his oxygen machine, so I thought I was good. Well, he needed it for something else, and lifting it was a struggle at this point. So he called me and right after I said hello, I hear, "You'd make a great aid at Rosewood". That was the nursing home, and that was NOT a compliment. lol I did laugh that off, even though I was a tad hurt as I was trying so hard.

But yeah, whatcha gonna do...

 

[justjulia]

Date: 5/7/2008 4:24:47 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 5/7/2008 2:04:46 PM

Author: Kaleigh

Oh Linda,

I am so sorry. That''s very hurtful but you must realize it has nothing to do with you. She''s just miserable and needs someone to take it out on. Yanno? It sucks but that''s what it is. I think you are doing a great job with her, so you know that, and let what she says roll off your back. Trust me after all those years with Nanny, that''s the best lesson I learned.

HUGS!!!!

Lisa

Yanno, part of it can be this. I remember at the end, my dad had been in the nursing home, and for whatever reason they released him (this was 2 1/2 weeks before he died)

, anyway I took him home. Set everything up (and I only lived 4 houses away), and since he was so limited on counter space, I put the gal jug of water on the floor so he''d have more room. I had already filled his oxygen machine, so I thought I was good. Well, he needed it for something else, and lifting it was a struggle at this point. So he called me and right after I said hello, I hear, ''You''d make a great aid at Rosewood''. That was the nursing home, and that was NOT a compliment. lol I did laugh that off, even though I was a tad hurt as I was trying so hard.


But yeah, whatcha gonna do...

Ellen, that just goes right into the infamous "saving it up for you" file! lol
I have one more month of 02 machine electric to pay before budget billing returns to normal (I think I told you already). Kind of sad about that thought in a way. So final.

 

[justjulia]

Ellen, Okay, as a matter of fact, I''m crying now thinking about it. Next month the oxygen machine ordeal is over, everything is legally settled, and the orange chairs are gone.

Did I mention the orange chairs? That was one of the last real, coherent conversations we had before she took a turn for the worse. She told me not to store, sell, or give away the chairs (meaning, don''t move my things before I get home--a blatant manipulation ploy to put me in my place one more time). Last weekend or so, in a quick moment of meditation, I quietly put them on the curb. A woman came by and asked for one because she was a photographer and wanted it to take pictures of elderly clients in the woods--apparently nature is in. The second chair left with an unknown gentleman in a truck. It was done.

I wonder how many waves, cycles, whatever, of this grief thing there are? Some days are harder than others, as far as memories are concerned.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/7/2008 7:02:52 PM
Author: justjulia
Ellen, Okay, as a matter of fact, I'm crying now thinking about it. Next month the oxygen machine ordeal is over, everything is legally settled, and the orange chairs are gone.

Did I mention the orange chairs? That was one of the last real, coherent conversations we had before she took a turn for the worse. She told me not to store, sell, or give away the chairs (meaning, don't move my things before I get home--a blatant manipulation ploy to put me in my place one more time). Last weekend or so, in a quick moment of meditation, I quietly put them on the curb. A woman came by and asked for one because she was a photographer and wanted it to take pictures of elderly clients in the woods--apparently nature is in. The second chair left with an unknown gentleman in a truck. It was done.

I wonder how many waves, cycles, whatever, of this grief thing there are? Some days are harder than others, as far as memories are concerned.

Aww. {{{hugs}}}


I can't truly answer that julia, everyone is different, and different things spark memories/feelings. I don't think it all ever truly goes away, but with time, they become less painful, and in time, you may find you actually enjoy an occassional reminder. It is too early for you, for that, but you will get there.

It's funny sometimes what things do spark reactions. We rent my dad's house, and it has been vacant for a few months. I was down there last Sunday, getting ready to show it to a potential renter. I walked into my dad's room and glanced around. I looked at the hardwood floors, which are in really good shape still, except for one small, worn, dak spot. It's where the edge of my dad's bed was, and where he put his feet every morning when he got up, and every night before he got in bed. I knelt down and rubbed it, it just seemed like the thing to do, to be closer to him. And it made me smile, instead crying.

You will get there, but don't wish away this grieving time, it is good for the soul my dear.

 

[Kaleigh]

I haven''t checked in for a while. Things are rough here, my Dad is ill. Tests are pointing to stomach cancer. I will know more in the days ahead. I have dealt with Cancer before, so am ready to tackle this head on. It''s just something that is always hard, no matter how much experience you''ve had. One thing that has helped me through this, is the power of forgiveness.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 5/16/2008 9:41:09 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I haven''t checked in for a while. Things are rough here, my Dad is ill. Tests are pointing to stomach cancer. I will know more in the days ahead. I have dealt with Cancer before, so am ready to tackle this head on. It''s just something that is always hard, no matter how much experience you''ve had. One thing that has helped me through this, is the power of forgiveness.

Oh gosh Lisa, I am sorry. I have been thinking about you. I will pray for you all and that it isn''t cancer. He is lucky to have a wonderful daughter like you; hugs Lisa and prayers outgoing.