Caring for the elderly.

[diamondfan]

Ellen, not sure. If her daughter does not think she is unable to care for herself, then maybe. But as as long as she thinks her mom is basically fine she is unlikely to push it.

 

[diamondfan]

oops meant if my sis in law thinks she is NOT able to care for herself...

 

[justjulia]

Ellen,

I don''t know when the right time is or how to know. From what I hear from my friends, it usually does take something to be the catalyst, like a fall. That''s really terrible, I know.

I guess I would look at things like the possibility of a parent eloping and getting lost, forgetting to eat, falling, becoming isolated and depressed, letting personal hygiene go, leaving things burning on the stove...well, you know.

My mother could not cook for herself. She couldn''t medicate herself either. She also started to fall. I was fortunate enough to have a team of hospice people on my side. I don''t know what I would have done without hospice. At the time she went into assisted living, she was getting mad about everything because she could not remember doing or saying things. She was blaming it on everyone else. I found it hard to mother a head strong, bitter, stubborn, mean mother. Boy she was mean! My brother said he could not handle it but I did because that is what a good daughter does. I had to give in (the whole deciding on moving from my home to assisted living) and I felt like a failure for so long.

I guess you could try taking her on some tours, to take the edge of the concept of AL off.

 

[Ellen]

julia, thanks. Hopefully I'll just know, without something horrible happening...

You know the really strange part? She was calling me quite often, especially because she'd switched cable companies and programming, which meant learning a new remote and how to manuever the programs. Quite a lot to deal with when you're forgetful and blind. Anyway, since the diagnosis, she has simply stopped calling. It's really strange.

(but I am not complaining!)

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/26/2008 8:15:10 AM
Author: Ellen
julia, thanks. Hopefully I''ll just know, without something horrible happening...

You know the really strange part? She was calling me quite often, especially because she''d switched cable companies and programming, which meant learning a new remote and how to manuever the programs. Quite a lot to deal with when you''re forgetful and blind. Anyway, since the diagnosis, she has simply stopped calling. It''s really strange.

(but I am not complaining!)

I HATE reprogramming the remote. Can''t imagine doing it with poor eyesight.
That is a little concerning that she isn''t calling. I wonder if the seriousness of it all has sunk in and she''s afraid.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/26/2008 8:20:04 AM
Author: justjulia

That is a little concerning that she isn''t calling. I wonder if the seriousness of it all has sunk in and she''s afraid.

Well, she was over for her bday on the 19th, and "seemed" fine. My brother was down that weekend, so I''m going to call him today and see how he thought she was. Also, unless she told him then, before then she had not said anything about the Alz. If she still has not told him, I''m wondering if she''s possibly in denial right now. I''ll see what he says.

 

[Kaleigh]

Everyone is dealing with so much!! Hugs to all. Ellen JJ, etc.

Today my husband and I went to see my dad to go through the pile of bills. Dad really isn't doing well, he's holding on by a thread. Psychiatrist is this Wednesday. He told us, life isn't worth living. I said that's the depression talking. Lets go through all that is bothering you. He's biggest thing is he doesn't want to cook, or do food shopping. I get that, and am seeking out s delivery service from the super market as well as a catering service. I feel it's good for him to go out and do some shopping. I don't want him sitting home doing nothing, he'll go really quickly if that happens. Mom is able to do stuff, but really isn't thrilled about making an effort.


So it's really sad, seeing him so down and out. Plus he's not well physically. I got him to dump his Doc that's an old crump. And go with one that is highly regarded. The physical has been scheduled. I am wanting to know what is going on. He's so thin. My Aunt thinks it's cancer. I guess you see someone lose a lot of weight, and your fist instinct is to say cancer. I kinda doubt he has it, but just want to know exactly what we are dealing with.

I hope Dad will bounce back sometime soon. Mom has given up the fight, she's like waiting to die. I can't make someone fight. I am depleted when it comes to her. I have treated her with lots of TLC and just get these blank looks. I really think she doesn't get it, not now not ever. But will continue to care for her with kindness and compassion. Dad is still fighting, so hoping he sees the light soon.

So that's it from me, hoping you all are having a nice weekend!!

 

[Linda W]

Lisa,

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I feel so sorry for you.

My mom is doing the same thing, just sitting around waiting to die. It is really hard watching our parents do that.

I hope the psychiatrist can help your dad and perhaps the depression is why he is losing weight.

You know we are always here for you.

Love, Linda

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 4/26/2008 10:58:44 PM
Author: Linda W
Lisa,

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I feel so sorry for you.

My mom is doing the same thing, just sitting around waiting to die. It is really hard watching our parents do that.

I hope the psychiatrist can help your dad and perhaps the depression is why he is losing weight.

You know we are always here for you.

Love, Linda

Thanks Linda, you are a dear one to me. It''s so hard, and am so sorry about your Mom.

I think we just do our best every day, putting the best foot forward, and somedays, that foot wants to kick them in the A** It''s a fine balance of being loving and wanting to strangle them. I have to write a journal, I can pick up where Nanny left off about assorted nuts. I swear, if this doesn''t kill me, I don''t know what will.

 

[miraclesrule]

((((((((( All of you dealing with this )))))))))))))<-----big hugs

It is so very stressful to take care parents. Even worse if is your entire life was about taking care of them and then they are gone and you realize that you don''t much of a life. That''s what happened to me. I had to take care of my Dad for nearly 15 years, but there were times of a year or so throughout that I relished in not having to be there to coordinate the caretakers, the insurance, the meds, the drama...and my Dad was Drama. I was also a single mother and sole provider so that added to the stress.

I don''t have any answers for any of you, but I have a great deal of empathy and understand your concerns. It is very much like caring for a toddler at times, especially when you have to be concerned for their safety. It is even worse when they get mean, bitter, abusive as you have described.

At one point, I took the knobs off the stove and oven so that my Dad couldn''t attempt to cook anything. He qualified for home meal delivery through a charitable organzation so it wasn''t like he was going to starve, but when I went over to do his meds and there was corn all over the walls in the kitchen and the oven door open with the inside bowed, I discovered that he had put a whole can of corn in the oven and turned it on. He didn''t even take the top of the can off and it blew up. He had just walked out of the kitchen and into the living room when it happened so he didn''t get hurt. (When he was doing better I agreed to put them back on but the racks had no support due to the inside of oven bowing, so I had to put a few bricks in the bottom to put the rack on. Who knew a can of corn could do that much damage?) Sheesh.....

But that was actually the easiest of the challenges he presented. I could write a book about him.

Don''t let it get to you too much. I wish I had considered counseling during those years, but it just never occurred to me. I think it would have helped immensely, given the right counselor.

:::::Sending lots of supportive loving energy your way...all of you:::::

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/26/2008 9:51:16 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 4/26/2008 8:20:04 AM

Author: justjulia


That is a little concerning that she isn''t calling. I wonder if the seriousness of it all has sunk in and she''s afraid.

Well, she was over for her bday on the 19th, and ''seemed'' fine. My brother was down that weekend, so I''m going to call him today and see how he thought she was. Also, unless she told him then, before then she had not said anything about the Alz. If she still has not told him, I''m wondering if she''s possibly in denial right now. I''ll see what he says.

I''m up with a toothache-what is it here, 2:30amish? I called my dentist in the evening and he prescribed a pain killer-that was great but I hadn''t eaten all day, so I was nauseous. So..didn''t take 2nd dose (thinking I might sleep through it, HA) and now awake wondering if I should eat something so I can take another dose. Ah, me. Bleh.
So, I think you are probably right about the denial. Maybe throw in some depression, just to spice things up.
I had to get mom''s antidepressant changed a few times when it did not appear to work (manic swings) and as she lost weight. Refresh my memory as to your mother- is she taking anything?

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/26/2008 8:09:44 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Everyone is dealing with so much!! Hugs to all. Ellen JJ, etc.


Today my husband and I went to see my dad to go through the pile of bills. Dad really isn''t doing well, he''s holding on by a thread. Psychiatrist is this Wednesday. He told us, life isn''t worth living. I said that''s the depression talking. Lets go through all that is bothering you. He''s biggest thing is he doesn''t want to cook, or do food shopping. I get that, and am seeking out s delivery service from the super market as well as a catering service. I feel it''s good for him to go out and do some shopping. I don''t want him sitting home doing nothing, he''ll go really quickly if that happens. Mom is able to do stuff, but really isn''t thrilled about making an effort.



So it''s really sad, seeing him so down and out. Plus he''s not well physically. I got him to dump his Doc that''s an old crump. And go with one that is highly regarded. The physical has been scheduled. I am wanting to know what is going on. He''s so thin. My Aunt thinks it''s cancer. I guess you see someone lose a lot of weight, and your fist instinct is to say cancer. I kinda doubt he has it, but just want to know exactly what we are dealing with.


I hope Dad will bounce back sometime soon. Mom has given up the fight, she''s like waiting to die. I can''t make someone fight. I am depleted when it comes to her. I have treated her with lots of TLC and just get these blank looks. I really think she doesn''t get it, not now not ever. But will continue to care for her with kindness and compassion. Dad is still fighting, so hoping he sees the light soon.


So that''s it from me, hoping you all are having a nice weekend!!

Oh boy.
I do not know how you are handling all of this at once. I commend you for being so on the ball with your choice of words to your dad and your compassion for your mother. You are taking positive steps and they are making a profound impact.

I am hoping the psychiatrist can give you all some peace of mind- the right cocktail of antidepressant medication might be a little miracle. I''m praying for your mom and dad, and you. Here''s to a productive week.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/26/2008 10:58:44 PM
Author: Linda W
Lisa,


I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I feel so sorry for you.


My mom is doing the same thing, just sitting around waiting to die. It is really hard watching our parents do that.


I hope the psychiatrist can help your dad and perhaps the depression is why he is losing weight.


You know we are always here for you.


Love, Linda

Times like these, I think, "How can I prevent myself from going this route when I''m older?" Are we all in for this? I don''t want to sit around waiting to go. Nor do I want to be angry and hostile toward the world every chance I get. Man.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/27/2008 12:37:40 AM
Author: miraclesrule
((((((((( All of you dealing with this )))))))))))))<-----big hugs


It is so very stressful to take care parents. Even worse if is your entire life was about taking care of them and then they are gone and you realize that you don''t much of a life. That''s what happened to me. I had to take care of my Dad for nearly 15 years, but there were times of a year or so throughout that I relished in not having to be there to coordinate the caretakers, the insurance, the meds, the drama...and my Dad was Drama. I was also a single mother and sole provider so that added to the stress.


I don''t have any answers for any of you, but I have a great deal of empathy and understand your concerns. It is very much like caring for a toddler at times, especially when you have to be concerned for their safety. It is even worse when they get mean, bitter, abusive as you have described.


At one point, I took the knobs off the stove and oven so that my Dad couldn''t attempt to cook anything. He qualified for home meal delivery through a charitable organzation so it wasn''t like he was going to starve, but when I went over to do his meds and there was corn all over the walls in the kitchen and the oven door open with the inside bowed, I discovered that he had put a whole can of corn in the oven and turned it on. He didn''t even take the top of the can off and it blew up. He had just walked out of the kitchen and into the living room when it happened so he didn''t get hurt. (When he was doing better I agreed to put them back on but the racks had no support due to the inside of oven bowing, so I had to put a few bricks in the bottom to put the rack on. Who knew a can of corn could do that much damage?) Sheesh.....


But that was actually the easiest of the challenges he presented. I could write a book about him.


Don''t let it get to you too much. I wish I had considered counseling during those years, but it just never occurred to me. I think it would have helped immensely, given the right counselor.


:::::Sending lots of supportive loving energy your way...all of you:::::

I had an interesting experience in that my hospice nurse suggested I go to a community ALANON meeting, where there were people there to listen and take turns talking about taking care of loved ones with dependencies. My mother displayed many of the behaviors people with a lifetime of drug and/or alcohol do and it was comforting listening and being listened to. I did that for a number of weeks. I had a tough time keeping my mother''s medication for schizophrenia, depression, and other 20 meds balanced as she lost weight and became unable and unwilling, or in some cases overwilling, to self medicate.

 

[Ellen]

Lisa, thanks so much for checking in. You have definitely been on my mind, but I didn''t want to bug you for details.

Sounds like you''re doing all that you can, and that''s all you can do. Hang in there girly, you are earning those angel wings.

miracalsrule, thank you for the hugs and understanding, sometimes that''s the only answer to things!




julia, so sorry about the toothache, man I hate those.

I haven''t gotten ahold of my bro yet, will try again today.

Mom isn''t taking anything, except Thyroid med, and a whole counter full of health supplements.

I don''t "think" there''s any depression going on, yet. I think if anything, she''s either in denial, or, she is hell bent on finding some "natural" cure. That''s fine, anything to keep her busy, she''s not hurting anything. The only thing she could do is try that other med, but she''s made her mind up that''s not happening now. So, what can ya do?

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/27/2008 8:50:11 AM
Author: Ellen
Lisa, thanks so much for checking in. You have definitely been on my mind, but I didn''t want to bug you for details.

Sounds like you''re doing all that you can, and that''s all you can do. Hang in there girly, you are earning those angel wings.

miracalsrule, thank you for the hugs and understanding, sometimes that''s the only answer to things!





julia, so sorry about the toothache, man I hate those.

I haven''t gotten ahold of my bro yet, will try again today.


Mom isn''t taking anything, except Thyroid med, and a whole counter full of health supplements.

I don''t ''think'' there''s any depression going on, yet. I think if anything, she''s either in denial, or, she is hell bent on finding some ''natural'' cure. That''s fine, anything to keep her busy, she''s not hurting anything. The only thing she could do is try that other med, but she''s made her mind up that''s not happening now. So, what can ya do?

Buy more beer.

 

[Ellen]

Right.

 

[Linda W]

Ellen, Thank God for this forum.

My mom had her surgery on Thursday. The tumor was bigger then they thought it was. She has to wear a catheter, which she absolutely hates. I would too. The tumor went into part of her bladder, which left a little hole. Her Dr. told her if if doesn''t heal, he will have to remove her bladder and she will have to wear a bag.

Well that did it!!! All she talks about now is dying, it is really depressing to hear. I tell her to please stop it and to think about her two great grandchildren, who she dearly loves. Two of her best friends have to wear the bags, and they do fine. I know it is the shock of the "maybe", I would be the same way if it were me.

I didn''t get to see her this weekend. My daughter is working all weekend and Rick and I have the boys. She said she isn''t up to having the boys around, so we had to stay home. My brother is with her.

On an irritating note!!! The night before her surgery, she told her my brother if anything happened to her to make sure my daughter got my grandma''s china!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. When my brother told me that (he was laughing about it) I didn''t think it was funny.

Linda P.S. Lisa I am thinking about you today!!

 

[Skippy123]

Ellen, Lisa, and Linda sending you all a hug. My heart goes out to you Linda while your mom is going through this. Sending prayers your way Lisa, Linda and Ellen.

 

[diamondfan]

Linda, I hope your mom recovers soon. It is hard to get older and face your body not working well.

 

[Ellen]

Linda, I'm sorry about your mom. Tell her to not focus on anything but healing. If it doesn't heal, she can cross that bridge if/when she comes to it.

And about the china, you cross that bridge when/if you come to it. Maybe your daughter will come around and realize you should have it.

But I do know how irritating stuff like that is, believe me.

Thank you Skippers.



julia, I just talked to my brother. He said mom seemed fine when he was down, no different. And surprise (not), we have a bit of denial going on. Mom is not conviced she has Alzheimer's, though she readily admits there's a memory problem. I find it facinating that the doctor whose every word she normally hangs on, could now be wrong.

Nothing to do really, just go along as usual for now...

 

[diamondsrock]

I''ve been reading your stories with great interest as I am going through this right now with my grandmother. I am her only grandchild so most of it falls on me.
She too is pretty much just waiting to die and it is very, very hard to deal with. I know she has depression, but she doesn''t see it as much of a problem as it is. It''s a big problem for me because dealing with her sometimes just drains me of any energy or enthusiasm I have for my day (sorry if that sounds negative). She complains constantly, every day, when I talk to her. And I listen, as I am supposed to, but it really takes a toll on you after a while. I try to console her and cheer her up but usually to no avail.
She lives alone but my father (who doesn''t work) visits her daily (although he isn''t much help - he does visit so I''ll give him that.) She hesitates to ask him to do anything since he is so disagreeable, so she depends on me for everything. I''ve told her she needs to rely on him more as I work for a living, but she refuses. This puts a lot on me obviously. Friday she needed a ride to the doctor for back pain, but she wouldn''t ask my father for a ride and I was working, so she suffered until today when I took her to the er and we spent 6 hours there. They ended up giving her muscle relaxants which her doctor could have given her on Friday if she had asked my father to take her. At the hospital, she compalined about it taking too long, she wanted to go home, she''d rather just die than live, etc...... I had a nice talk with the nurse in the hallway who said that she sees this a lot in elderly and I should talk to her doctor about anti-depressants and try to get her more involved with the senior center. However, she doesn''t like the people at the senior center......sigh.
Of course I feel guilty when I can''t cope with this sometimes and I just don''t want to deal with her, but I do love her and want to help. It''s a tough situation! I wonder if I had siblings if they would share this with me. All I know is she relies on me for everything and refuses to ask anyone else for help and it''s wearing me out!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/27/2008 6:04:03 PM
Author: diamondsrock
I''ve been reading your stories with great interest as I am going through this right now with my grandmother. I am her only grandchild so most of it falls on me.
She too is pretty much just waiting to die and it is very, very hard to deal with. I know she has depression, but she doesn''t see it as much of a problem as it is. It''s a big problem for me because dealing with her sometimes just drains me of any energy or enthusiasm I have for my day (sorry if that sounds negative). She complains constantly, every day, when I talk to her. And I listen, as I am supposed to, but it really takes a toll on you after a while. I try to console her and cheer her up but usually to no avail.
She lives alone but my father (who doesn''t work) visits her daily (although he isn''t much help - he does visit so I''ll give him that.) She hesitates to ask him to do anything since he is so disagreeable, so she depends on me for everything. I''ve told her she needs to rely on him more as I work for a living, but she refuses. This puts a lot on me obviously. Friday she needed a ride to the doctor for back pain, but she wouldn''t ask my father for a ride and I was working, so she suffered until today when I took her to the er and we spent 6 hours there. They ended up giving her muscle relaxants which her doctor could have given her on Friday if she had asked my father to take her. At the hospital, she compalined about it taking too long, she wanted to go home, she''d rather just die than live, etc...... I had a nice talk with the nurse in the hallway who said that she sees this a lot in elderly and I should talk to her doctor about anti-depressants and try to get her more involved with the senior center. However, she doesn''t like the people at the senior center......sigh.
Of course I feel guilty when I can''t cope with this sometimes and I just don''t want to deal with her, but I do love her and want to help. It''s a tough situation! I wonder if I had siblings if they would share this with me. All I know is she relies on me for everything and refuses to ask anyone else for help and it''s wearing me out!

I agree, at least get her on the anti-depressant, and then maybe she''d like the people at the senior center more.

If I were you, I''d also have a lil sit down with dad and grams, explain that you are only one person, and the only one working. Dad needs to be available, without grumbling, and gram needs to rely on him more and you less. You need to point blank tell them you can''t do it all, and you shouldn''t even have to. Gently put your foot down, or else you will burn out fast. Most people will just keep doing what they''re doing, and getting away with things, until somebody says "enough". Now''s the time.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[diamondsrock]

Thank you Ellen!

I have spoken to them individually (didn''t get me very far!) but not had an actual sit down conversation with both of them. Maybe us all discussing this together would be a better idea and I''m going to try that. My husband helps somewhat, too, although he works long hours so can only do so much. He gets very upset with my father for not helping her more and it''s an ongoing issue for us!
The other thing is she is very impatient and if she wants an errand run or something done she will want me to do it now. Like right now. I''ve had to tell her a few times, "this can wait until tomorrow", and she will sometimes unwillingly agree. I know a lot of older people become impatient but man, is it annoying!!! She too has poor vision and doesn''t drive (that is another long story !) so relying on people for help with that really bothers her, which I understand.
I wish you well with your mom - I understand the comment about them hanging on to the doctor''s everyword. I told her something once health related (can''t remember now) and she ignored me, but when the doctor told her later she was paying so much attention and thought his words were gold. I"m like, hello, I told you this months ago. Though, if he says something she doesn''t like, I can see how she would switch her tune and think he doesn''t know anything!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/27/2008 7:04:07 PM
Author: diamondsrock
Thank you Ellen!

I have spoken to them individually (didn''t get me very far!) but not had an actual sit down conversation with both of them. Maybe us all discussing this together would be a better idea and I''m going to try that. My husband helps somewhat, too, although he works long hours so can only do so much. He gets very upset with my father for not helping her more and it''s an ongoing issue for us!
The other thing is she is very impatient and if she wants an errand run or something done she will want me to do it now. Like right now. I''ve had to tell her a few times, ''this can wait until tomorrow'', and she will sometimes unwillingly agree. I know a lot of older people become impatient but man, is it annoying!!! She too has poor vision and doesn''t drive (that is another long story !) so relying on people for help with that really bothers her, which I understand.
I wish you well with your mom - I understand the comment about them hanging on to the doctor''s everyword. I told her something once health related (can''t remember now) and she ignored me, but when the doctor told her later she was paying so much attention and thought his words were gold. I''m like, hello, I told you this months ago. Though, if he says something she doesn''t like, I can see how she would switch her tune and think he doesn''t know anything!

Oh tell me about it! lol My mother tends to want what she wants, when she wants it. Just something else to nip in the bud.

The first time my mom asked me to take her grocery shopping, I said sure. We went to ShopnSave, and as we were leaving, she said she needede to run by Aldi''s. I asked why, she needed butter. I said we could have got that at SnS. Nope, dollar cheaper at Aldi''s. So, I went there, fuming. (she''s not hurting monetarily) As we were leaving Aldi''s, she said we needed to hit Schnucks. Yes, you can imagine my state of mind by now. lol Why? Their produce is better. THAT was it. I said mom, I''ll gladly take you grocery shopping, at ONE store. Not three. She hasn''t asked much since.

Just kindly tell gram you''ll do whatever when it is convenient for you, or where, and if she gets mad, she''ll get over it. Again, they will push you as long as you let them.


I think it might help to all sit down together, certainly worth a try!


And I totally get the not listening to us, but the doc can say the same thing and they do. We never grow up and become intelligent adults, don''tcha know?

I''m glad you posted, and you''re welcome. Feel free to pop in any time, even if just for a pick me up!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 4/27/2008 7:29:18 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 4/27/2008 7:04:07 PM
Author: diamondsrock
Thank you Ellen!

I have spoken to them individually (didn''t get me very far!) but not had an actual sit down conversation with both of them. Maybe us all discussing this together would be a better idea and I''m going to try that. My husband helps somewhat, too, although he works long hours so can only do so much. He gets very upset with my father for not helping her more and it''s an ongoing issue for us!
The other thing is she is very impatient and if she wants an errand run or something done she will want me to do it now. Like right now. I''ve had to tell her a few times, ''this can wait until tomorrow'', and she will sometimes unwillingly agree. I know a lot of older people become impatient but man, is it annoying!!! She too has poor vision and doesn''t drive (that is another long story !) so relying on people for help with that really bothers her, which I understand.
I wish you well with your mom - I understand the comment about them hanging on to the doctor''s everyword. I told her something once health related (can''t remember now) and she ignored me, but when the doctor told her later she was paying so much attention and thought his words were gold. I''m like, hello, I told you this months ago. Though, if he says something she doesn''t like, I can see how she would switch her tune and think he doesn''t know anything!

Oh tell me about it! lol My mother tends to want what she wants, when she wants it. Just something else to nip in the bud.

The first time my mom asked me to take her grocery shopping, I said sure. We went to ShopnSave, and as we were leaving, she said she needede to run by Aldi''s. I asked why, she needed butter. I said we could have got that at SnS. Nope, dollar cheaper at Aldi''s. So, I went there, fuming. (she''s not hurting monetarily) As we were leaving Aldi''s, she said we needed to hit Schnucks. Yes, you can imagine my state of mind by now. lol Why? Their produce is better. THAT was it. I said mom, I''ll gladly take you grocery shopping, at ONE store. Not three. She hasn''t asked much since.

Just kindly tell gram you''ll do whatever when it is convenient for you, or where, and if she gets mad, she''ll get over it. Again, they will push you as long as you let them.


I think it might help to all sit down together, certainly worth a try!


And I totally get the not listening to us, but the doc can say the same thing and they do. We never grow up and become intelligent adults, don''tcha know?

I''m glad you posted, and you''re welcome. Feel free to pop in any time, even if just for a pick me up!

Oh boy, I know all about wanting it now. Like how many hearing aid batteries can one go through in a week? I bought a lot of stuff in bulk, just so I wouldn''t have to keep running out and buying stuff.
When I did go buy her things on her dime, my Nanny would read over the reciept like a hawk. As if I would ever short change her.
Gotta love it. Now that she is gone, and I do miss her so. But I do not miss buying her Depends!!

Luckily my parents are more patient. They don''t want to put me out, and say when you have time, please get this and this. I am trying to get them to buy the this and this. It''s going well so far. My Mom as of today, is wanting to go with my Dad to food shop. First time in ages. I told him you enabled her to be a cripple. She''s not really. Just he does everything for her, and that''s gotta stop.
He said tonight, I am one of many that have said that. I said well, there ya go.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/27/2008 6:04:03 PM
Author: diamondsrock
I''ve been reading your stories with great interest as I am going through this right now with my grandmother. I am her only grandchild so most of it falls on me.

She too is pretty much just waiting to die and it is very, very hard to deal with. I know she has depression, but she doesn''t see it as much of a problem as it is. It''s a big problem for me because dealing with her sometimes just drains me of any energy or enthusiasm I have for my day (sorry if that sounds negative). She complains constantly, every day, when I talk to her. And I listen, as I am supposed to, but it really takes a toll on you after a while. I try to console her and cheer her up but usually to no avail.

She lives alone but my father (who doesn''t work) visits her daily (although he isn''t much help - he does visit so I''ll give him that.) She hesitates to ask him to do anything since he is so disagreeable, so she depends on me for everything. I''ve told her she needs to rely on him more as I work for a living, but she refuses. This puts a lot on me obviously. Friday she needed a ride to the doctor for back pain, but she wouldn''t ask my father for a ride and I was working, so she suffered until today when I took her to the er and we spent 6 hours there. They ended up giving her muscle relaxants which her doctor could have given her on Friday if she had asked my father to take her. At the hospital, she compalined about it taking too long, she wanted to go home, she''d rather just die than live, etc...... I had a nice talk with the nurse in the hallway who said that she sees this a lot in elderly and I should talk to her doctor about anti-depressants and try to get her more involved with the senior center. However, she doesn''t like the people at the senior center......sigh.

Of course I feel guilty when I can''t cope with this sometimes and I just don''t want to deal with her, but I do love her and want to help. It''s a tough situation! I wonder if I had siblings if they would share this with me. All I know is she relies on me for everything and refuses to ask anyone else for help and it''s wearing me out!

It could be that she wants a woman to help her. My mother was this way.
However, it really sounds like your father needs to understand what his part is, and this needs to be during a meeting with everyone in the room.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/27/2008 8:54:59 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 4/27/2008 7:29:18 PM

Author: Ellen

Date: 4/27/2008 7:04:07 PM

Author: diamondsrock

Thank you Ellen!

I have spoken to them individually (didn''t get me very far!) but not had an actual sit down conversation with both of them. Maybe us all discussing this together would be a better idea and I''m going to try that. My husband helps somewhat, too, although he works long hours so can only do so much. He gets very upset with my father for not helping her more and it''s an ongoing issue for us!

The other thing is she is very impatient and if she wants an errand run or something done she will want me to do it now. Like right now. I''ve had to tell her a few times, ''this can wait until tomorrow'', and she will sometimes unwillingly agree. I know a lot of older people become impatient but man, is it annoying!!! She too has poor vision and doesn''t drive (that is another long story !) so relying on people for help with that really bothers her, which I understand.

I wish you well with your mom - I understand the comment about them hanging on to the doctor''s everyword. I told her something once health related (can''t remember now) and she ignored me, but when the doctor told her later she was paying so much attention and thought his words were gold. I''m like, hello, I told you this months ago. Though, if he says something she doesn''t like, I can see how she would switch her tune and think he doesn''t know anything!

Oh tell me about it! lol My mother tends to want what she wants, when she wants it. Just something else to nip in the bud.

The first time my mom asked me to take her grocery shopping, I said sure. We went to ShopnSave, and as we were leaving, she said she needede to run by Aldi''s. I asked why, she needed butter. I said we could have got that at SnS. Nope, dollar cheaper at Aldi''s. So, I went there, fuming. (she''s not hurting monetarily) As we were leaving Aldi''s, she said we needed to hit Schnucks. Yes, you can imagine my state of mind by now. lol Why? Their produce is better. THAT was it. I said mom, I''ll gladly take you grocery shopping, at ONE store. Not three. She hasn''t asked much since.

Just kindly tell gram you''ll do whatever when it is convenient for you, or where, and if she gets mad, she''ll get over it. Again, they will push you as long as you let them.



I think it might help to all sit down together, certainly worth a try!



And I totally get the not listening to us, but the doc can say the same thing and they do. We never grow up and become intelligent adults, don''tcha know?

I''m glad you posted, and you''re welcome. Feel free to pop in any time, even if just for a pick me up!

Oh boy, I know all about wanting it now. Like how many hearing aid batteries can one go through in a week? I bought a lot of stuff in bulk, just so I wouldn''t have to keep running out and buying stuff.

When I did go buy her things on her dime, my Nanny would read over the reciept like a hawk. As if I would ever short change her.

Gotta love it. Now that she is gone, and I do miss her so. But I do not miss buying her Depends!!

Luckily my parents are more patient. They don''t want to put me out, and say when you have time, please get this and this. I am trying to get them to buy the this and this. It''s going well so far. My Mom as of today, is wanting to go with my Dad to food shop. First time in ages. I told him you enabled her to be a cripple. She''s not really. Just he does everything for her, and that''s gotta stop.

He said tonight, I am one of many that have said that. I said well, there ya go.

My mother would examine the receipts, too. As if. She would also sit in the car with my husband and tell him to watch me get the list wrong (wrong item, wrong brand, wrong number in the package, wrong exact otc benedryl, etc,) while I was in the store shopping for her!
It sounds like your psychology is working! Good for you!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 4/27/2008 9:48:37 PM
Author: justjulia

Date: 4/27/2008 8:54:59 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 4/27/2008 7:29:18 PM

Author: Ellen

Date: 4/27/2008 7:04:07 PM

Author: diamondsrock

Thank you Ellen!

I have spoken to them individually (didn''t get me very far!) but not had an actual sit down conversation with both of them. Maybe us all discussing this together would be a better idea and I''m going to try that. My husband helps somewhat, too, although he works long hours so can only do so much. He gets very upset with my father for not helping her more and it''s an ongoing issue for us!

The other thing is she is very impatient and if she wants an errand run or something done she will want me to do it now. Like right now. I''ve had to tell her a few times, ''this can wait until tomorrow'', and she will sometimes unwillingly agree. I know a lot of older people become impatient but man, is it annoying!!! She too has poor vision and doesn''t drive (that is another long story !) so relying on people for help with that really bothers her, which I understand.

I wish you well with your mom - I understand the comment about them hanging on to the doctor''s everyword. I told her something once health related (can''t remember now) and she ignored me, but when the doctor told her later she was paying so much attention and thought his words were gold. I''m like, hello, I told you this months ago. Though, if he says something she doesn''t like, I can see how she would switch her tune and think he doesn''t know anything!

Oh tell me about it! lol My mother tends to want what she wants, when she wants it. Just something else to nip in the bud.

The first time my mom asked me to take her grocery shopping, I said sure. We went to ShopnSave, and as we were leaving, she said she needede to run by Aldi''s. I asked why, she needed butter. I said we could have got that at SnS. Nope, dollar cheaper at Aldi''s. So, I went there, fuming. (she''s not hurting monetarily) As we were leaving Aldi''s, she said we needed to hit Schnucks. Yes, you can imagine my state of mind by now. lol Why? Their produce is better. THAT was it. I said mom, I''ll gladly take you grocery shopping, at ONE store. Not three. She hasn''t asked much since.

Just kindly tell gram you''ll do whatever when it is convenient for you, or where, and if she gets mad, she''ll get over it. Again, they will push you as long as you let them.



I think it might help to all sit down together, certainly worth a try!



And I totally get the not listening to us, but the doc can say the same thing and they do. We never grow up and become intelligent adults, don''tcha know?

I''m glad you posted, and you''re welcome. Feel free to pop in any time, even if just for a pick me up!

Oh boy, I know all about wanting it now. Like how many hearing aid batteries can one go through in a week? I bought a lot of stuff in bulk, just so I wouldn''t have to keep running out and buying stuff.

When I did go buy her things on her dime, my Nanny would read over the reciept like a hawk. As if I would ever short change her.

Gotta love it. Now that she is gone, and I do miss her so. But I do not miss buying her Depends!!

Luckily my parents are more patient. They don''t want to put me out, and say when you have time, please get this and this. I am trying to get them to buy the this and this. It''s going well so far. My Mom as of today, is wanting to go with my Dad to food shop. First time in ages. I told him you enabled her to be a cripple. She''s not really. Just he does everything for her, and that''s gotta stop.

He said tonight, I am one of many that have said that. I said well, there ya go.

My mother would examine the receipts, too. As if. She would also sit in the car with my husband and tell him to watch me get the list wrong (wrong item, wrong brand, wrong number in the package, wrong exact otc benedryl, etc,) while I was in the store shopping for her!
It sounds like your psychology is working! Good for you!

I know that just kills me. Like hello, I do have a brain!! Oh well in retrospect, it was great practice to now take care of my parents. I know my limits. I won''t be pushed by their compulsive whims. I know bread will be on sale tomorrow. And if it''s not, is it the end of the world?? Nope of course not!!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/27/2008 8:54:59 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Oh boy, I know all about wanting it now. Like how many hearing aid batteries can one go through in a week? I bought a lot of stuff in bulk, just so I wouldn't have to keep running out and buying stuff.
When I did go buy her things on her dime, my Nanny would read over the reciept like a hawk. As if I would ever short change her.
Gotta love it. Now that she is gone, and I do miss her so. But I do not miss buying her Depends!!

Luckily my parents are more patient. They don't want to put me out, and say when you have time, please get this and this. I am trying to get them to buy the this and this. It's going well so far. My Mom as of today, is wanting to go with my Dad to food shop. First time in ages. I told him you enabled her to be a cripple. She's not really. Just he does everything for her, and that's gotta stop.
He said tonight, I am one of many that have said that. I said well, there ya go.

See, that's the way it should be (unless it's a true emergancy). And I truly hope I am not demanding when I get older, I don't think I'll be, unless I've lost my senses maybe.

Of course, some might argue I'm halfway there....