Caring for the elderly.

[justjulia]

Date: 4/20/2008 10:55:47 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Well tis a bit quiet here thank goodness. Found out today, my Dad is heavily into this gold coin scam. I have to call them tomorrow and tell them to cease and desist. He''s got 40 pounds of them in FLA. Hubby went through the bills today, stacks and stacks of them. When I went over, he was so broken. I said look Dad no more of this stuff, I want to take over your finances, you have sucker writen all over you. It''s a shame how they take advantage of the elderly, he thought it was a good investment, but there are all these hidden costs, that of course they don''t tell you over the phone. So they will get a call from me tomorrow, and if need be will refer them to the lawyer. Lawyers don''t have much luck with these people. My BFF had her lawyer contact Publisher''s clearnighouse after they contacted her dad over and over. Such a shame. But will give it my best. POA is already in the works, and by next week or so, I will have full control of the finances.


This was a man, that was Vice President of a major Wall Street Investment firm, don''t know how he got so far off the track. Kills me to watch.


Mom was a spit fire, loved my LV Bag. Asked if it was from Talbots.

I didn''t want to get into it, but said no, it''s from a store in the mall. LOL.

That was my mother and her blood sucking credit card company. Even with my poa, and a letter, they insisted they have a phone interview with her to hear her voice cancel the card. So, there I was on a conference call. What if she had been too ill to talk, or unable? Then I would have had to call in the lawyer. Absurd.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/20/2008 10:55:47 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Well tis a bit quiet here thank goodness. Found out today, my Dad is heavily into this gold coin scam. I have to call them tomorrow and tell them to cease and desist. He''s got 40 pounds of them in FLA. Hubby went through the bills today, stacks and stacks of them. When I went over, he was so broken. I said look Dad no more of this stuff, I want to take over your finances, you have sucker writen all over you. It''s a shame how they take advantage of the elderly, he thought it was a good investment, but there are all these hidden costs, that of course they don''t tell you over the phone. So they will get a call from me tomorrow, and if need be will refer them to the lawyer. Lawyers don''t have much luck with these people. My BFF had her lawyer contact Publisher''s clearnighouse after they contacted her dad over and over. Such a shame. But will give it my best. POA is already in the works, and by next week or so, I will have full control of the finances.

This was a man, that was Vice President of a major Wall Street Investment firm, don''t know how he got so far off the track. Kills me to watch.

Mom was a spit fire, loved my LV Bag. Asked if it was from Talbots.

I didn''t want to get into it, but said no, it''s from a store in the mall. LOL.

Aw, that really is sad Lisa. But he''s got you now, it will be ok.

 

[diamondfan]

Some of this red tape stuff is just crap.

My mother in law is in the hospital with GI problems and an elevated white count. She has stomach issues non stop and has yet to be able to resolve them, CAT scans, colonoscopies, barium tests, all reveal nothing. I told hubby about that C Difficile from the thread I read here, maybe that is what she has. The white count being elevated indicates infection so something is off.But she just had colon checked...and that was fine. And she goes to the GI doctor all of the time. She is just really not well and I do not think she should be living alone, but again, no one listens to me.

Lisa, I am sorry for your dad. A strong capable guy now older and being vulterized by scam artists. Older folks are very vulnerable to this. Good thing he has you and hubby to help.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/21/2008 9:46:35 AM
Author: diamondfan

I told hubby about that C Difficile from the thread I read here, maybe that is what she has.

Caroline,

That can be diagnosed from a stool sample. If no one took one, it could have been missed. It is really easy to diagnose compared to many other diseases which require all the procedures you mentioned above, though.

I wish you good luck!

Deborah

 

[diamondfan]

Supposedly she was checked for it and was clear.

She did not want to stay in the hospital, then got in fights with the nurse because they wanted her to wait for the doctor and when she refused they brought her the forms saying she would not wait and she would not sign those either.

she is home now, they did not find anything wrong with her. Joy.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/22/2008 8:47:45 AM

Author: diamondfan


She did not want to stay in the hospital, then got in fights with the nurse because they wanted her to wait for the doctor and when she refused they brought her the forms saying she would not wait and she would not sign those either.

How admirably consistent!

Date: 4/22/2008 8:47:45 AM

Author: diamondfan

she is home now, they did not find anything wrong with her. Joy.

Yes, joy indeed. Nothing has been solved, but she is home. I have been there. My thoughts will be with you

Deb

 

[diamondfan]

She is like Camille. Wants to milk every illness and injury to the fullest degree. Is not pleasant even when she is not ill.

She is very attention seeking. Plus with being on the senile side, she bombards you. Does not recall having asked you that question 4 other times. Harasses my DH''s assistant to a point that is obnoxious.

Can you tell I so look forward to her visit?!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/22/2008 3:15:15 PM
Author: diamondfan
She is like Camille. Wants to milk every illness and injury to the fullest degree. Is not pleasant even when she is not ill.

She is very attention seeking. Plus with being on the senile side, she bombards you. Does not recall having asked you that question 4 other times. Harasses my DH''s assistant to a point that is obnoxious.

Can you tell I so look forward to her visit?!

Well, look at it this way, at least she''s just visiting. She doesn''t live near you, and, she''s not your mother. See, there''s always something to be grateful for.

 

[Heidi137]

Yes, be very thankful. My MIL has walked down to my house twice (so far) today. She lives right around the circle from us. The first time, she couldn''t understand why my husband wasn''t home and stated that she wanted to go with him. I''m sure she would be a lot of help teaching his college classes. We go through this every day. The second time she was frantic because she said she didn''t have anything to eat and hadn''t eaten since last night. Forget the fact that she gets her breakfast and lunch served to her at the senior citizen center and it was only mid-afternoon. She also does indeed have food in her house. I got her something to eat and then she proceeds to tell me that she isn''t hungry....Yesterday she tried to take my iron because she thought it was hers. After I convinced her that it wasn''t hers, she wanted to "borrow" it. She hides hers so I couldn''t let her have mine to hide. I want to run away!

 

[Skippy123]

Heidi, I am sorry that is tough. Huge hugs outgoing to you dear.

Kaleigh, I am thinking about you and sending best wishes your way.

 

[isaku5]

Having gone through many trials with my own mother, I can empathize with all you ladies. She went from being my best friend to my worst tormentor over a 10 year period. I can''t express how betrayed I felt. The anniversary of her death was 9 years ago on May 15th.

I still think of her every day, but not with the same venom I had for the first 5 years. Time and my own issues have helped to recall pleasant memories rather than dwelling on the negative. She wounded me horribly and I''ll never forget the emotional turmoil she put me through, but in my heart, I have forgiven her.

If I can be of any help to any of you who are facing similar issues, please let me be a part of your support team. I wish I''d known about PS when I felt so alone; the support offered here is kind beyond belief

 

[Linda W]

Thank you Isabel. You are welcome here. So sorry you had to go through problems with your own mother.

Linda

 

[diamondfan]

I think senility and related issues are so tough. I know people who had parents with Alzheimers and one day they would know their child and be fine, the next day they would scream and think their child was there to rob them. It is sad to see someone strong whom you counted on once upon a time become this shell. Of course I want to live to a ripe old age and die a non painful death, but I want to be mentally focused too, if I can make that request right now!

 

[Brynn]

Oh my gosh, I''ve been a "lurker" here for almost a month. Mostly to look at all the gorgeous rings

, but I find myself posting first here.

I am so blessed, at age 26, to have all four of my Grandparents still with us. Blessed to be stressed perhaps might be a better term.

As an only child, this is a topic that is of special importance to my heart and to my head and I am so glad to have found it.

Three Thanksgivings ago, my Grandmother who is almost like a second mother to me had a stroke. This brilliant, vivacious, active woman was robbed of the use of her right side, almost all of her speech and a fair amount of cognition as well. Watching my Mom, who is the eldest daughter in a family of five children, take over her care has been indescribably difficult. Even though Grandma went from rehab to an Assisted Living Facility, Mom became the primary caregiver for a variety of reasons (Grandma''s in this weird twilight of care needs that many of you have described, not sick enough for a nursing home but too disabled for the Assisted Living Facility and as my Grandpa who is in his eighties just isn''t able to handle the physical labour aspect of her care home wasn''t an option either)and does crazy things for Gram, brings her a home-cooked meal, gives her a shower, gets her ready for bed, every night, etc. Mom has absolutely gone through what so many of you have faced as well and I am so happy to have stumbled across this as a resource! I think Mom''s just getting to the point where she''s starting to burn out so it comes at especially important time.

Do you think that as the US faces an increasing aged population that the living solutions will improve for the elderly? I''ve been reading about some new ideas in the field, it just seems like the system we have lets so many people down...

My thoughts are with you all!

^Brynn

 

[bebe]

Heidi, I''m so sorry you are going through this. I am as well, or rather, did go through it. My mom is well into Alzheimers.
My mom would say she wasn''t hungry, when we knew she hadn''t had a thing to eat. I think some Alzheimer''s patients lose the hunger
pain. They just don''t know or feel hunger. My mom actually lost some of her pain threshold. They become almost childlike. Like your mom hiding her iron. My mom would refuse a bath, hold medication under her tongue, refuse to talk...
My dad had it as well, he put out his cigars in my draperies! Urinated in the closets at his home - the list goes on and on.
It''s a sad thing to watch. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Kaleigh]

My BFF is dealing with her Dad who has Alzheimer's . It's a cruel disease so Heidi My heart goes out to you.

I wanted to say all things are going well with my parents. Dad is very cooperative about me helping to get him out of debt. I had to call a company today that was taking advantage of him. They wouldn't listen to me on my own, but getting my Dad on the phone telling them himself made all the difference. He said, I didn't sign up for this, I had no idea this would incur such costs...

I looked around his office, degrees on the wall, awards all around...

Just made me so sad.

I miss what he was, won't get that back. But want him to have dignity going forward.

Have to say when I was on the phone with these people articulating the situation, he was pumping his fist, like go get'em. Afterwards, he said, you are a tough businesswoman.

That's what I needed to hear.

 

[miraclesrule]

Oh my...I always tease my only child, my daughter, by telling her she better hope i get Alzheimers so I won''t know that she isn''t taking care of my arse!! But that is due to the twisted sense of humor one would inevitably need to deal with the fact that she has a gay father who came out in the early 60''s and then contracted AIDS in the early 80''s. Who knew that he would go on to live until he was ...um 69...and with the twisted humor we have, he would like that number. Today was the one year anniversary of his death. I can''t even begin to go into the high maintenence of caring for a man who initially thought he had been handed a death sentence and therefore decided to liquidate the scare belongings he had and become extremely irresponsible. For 15 years I was the sole care taker as my sisters conveniently lived on the other coast. Sometimes I thought I was going to lose my mind, (others would argue that I did) but upon reflection, I just couldn''t imagine having abandoned him during these years when he had nobody else to care for him. Even though he sucked as a father. My inheritance was his collection of scratched DVD''s, all his music CD''s and some gay **** that accidently escaped our attention. After all, one was titled "Knocked Up". I did get a wicked sense of putting the gay **** DVD into the Catherine Heigl version of Knocked Up and bringing to my wacky friends Elephant Party, but my good sense got the better of me. Thank gawd.

With that kind of family life, how can one describe their life as anything but "normal"?

 

[Ellen]

Heidi, I can imagine how tough it is. I am wondering, if she is to this point, maybe she should have someone with her? or maybe move to an assisted living?

And really, I''ve said it before, but it bears repeating, as we all learned this with my dear MIL who had Alz. You''ve got to try and get a sense of humor about things, as best you can. It really does help ease the tension and frustration and sadness. If everything is looked at seriously, and sadly (though it is), it just wears you down in no time. Learn to laugh at the little things, you''ll be surprised how much just changing your attitude can help.

And feel free to post here anytime, about anything.




Isabel, I''m so sorry about your mom. And thank you for your offer of support.

Caroline, I hope you didn''t think I was making light of your situation, I wasn''t. I really was trying to point out the good side to all this. I would gladly trade you the infrequent visits vs. the day in, day out I am, and will face in the future. I do hope her children finally face facts and put the hammer down, before somebody gets hurt...Have her doctors ever suggested putting her on some kind of anxiety med? Just a thought.




Bryn, I''m glad you posted. It sounds like your mom needs to ease up on her mothers care just a bit, if that''s possible. She will indeed burn out if not, and then she will be no good to anyone. If she can''t get her siblings to help, she needs to find it elsewhere, and figure out how to ease her burden. And, she needs to understand that it''s ok, and not feel guilty about it.

I don''t know about any alternative care, I''ve not heard of any. Could you share what you''ve heard of? I do know we''ve had several new AL places pop up in the last couple years, and this is really a pretty small town.



bebe, it really is very, very sad to watch. We got lucky with my MIL, she didn''t do a lot of things we were expecting, but still, it was so sad to watch.



Lisa, your dad pumping his fists made me smile. I can imagine how nice it was to hear that compliment. They are so lucky to have you.

I hope it continues to go smoothly.




miraclesrule, sorry to hear about your dad. Interesting situation you had there, and sad. But I see you got a sense of humor about it, it really does help!

 

[Heidi137]

Ellen,
My MIL definitely needs to be in assisted living but I can''t get my husband to see that. One concern for him is that she has very limited financial resources and wouldn''t be able to pay for an extended stay at assisted living. She still has to pay at least a couple of hundred dollars a month out of pocket for medications also. (used to be about $600) I don''t think she would qualify for a nursing home at this point.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/23/2008 9:47:15 AM
Author: Heidi137
Ellen,
My MIL definitely needs to be in assisted living but I can't get my husband to see that. One concern for him is that she has very limited financial resources and wouldn't be able to pay for an extended stay at assisted living. She still has to pay at least a couple of hundred dollars a month out of pocket for medications also. (used to be about $600) I don't think she would qualify for a nursing home at this point.

Gosh, it just boggles my mind when children refuse to see a parent slipping. I can totally understand not wanting to see it, it's incredibly sad to see someone you may have looked up to all your life, now looking up to you. But to blatantly ignore safety issues, I just don't get it. Makes me mad, because in reality, it's kind of selfish, to just "ignore" the situation. And there always seems to be at least one in the family. My brother is in mine.

If I were you, though it's not really your job, I would suggest doing some legwork. Talk to the area nursing homes anyway, find out which ones, if any have an Alz. dept., some do, and what exactly the qualifications are. If she is wandering/walking to your home, what's to stop her from wandering elsewhere? She may qualify, who knows? But at least you could find something out, and then start gently nudging your hubby when and if it's time to do something.

I feel for ya, hang in there!

 

[Skippy123]

I agree with what others say. We saw our parents as so strong and we looked up to them and it is so difficult to see them taken advantage of by company's out there. It makes me angry how so many people take advantage of the elderly. I say kudos to you Kaleigh for helping your dad our; you are a wonderful daughter and I am glad he appreciates it!!!

Heidi, my parents struggled with (w/a family member they were caring for) but ultimately the nursing home is better equiped to take care of your mom. My parents would spend time at the nursing home. It is so hard to see them change from being strong to what she is now. I send hugs and prayers your way.

ETA: Ellen thank you dear for this thread; it helps!

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/23/2008 10:19:01 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 4/23/2008 9:47:15 AM

Author: Heidi137

Ellen,

My MIL definitely needs to be in assisted living but I can''t get my husband to see that. One concern for him is that she has very limited financial resources and wouldn''t be able to pay for an extended stay at assisted living. She still has to pay at least a couple of hundred dollars a month out of pocket for medications also. (used to be about $600) I don''t think she would qualify for a nursing home at this point.

Gosh, it just boggles my mind when children refuse to see a parent slipping. I can totally understand not wanting to see it, it''s incredibly sad to see someone you may have looked up to all your life, now looking up to you. But to blatantly ignore safety issues, I just don''t get it. Makes me mad, because in reality, it''s kind of selfish, to just ''ignore'' the situation. And there always seems to be at least one in the family. My brother is in mine.


If I were you, though it''s not really your job, I would suggest doing some legwork. Talk to the area nursing homes anyway, find out which ones, if any have an Alz. dept., some do, and what exactly the qualifications are. If she is wandering/walking to your home, what''s to stop her from wandering elsewhere? She may qualify, who knows? But at least you could find something out, and then start gently nudging your hubby when and if it''s time to do something.


I feel for ya, hang in there!

I second what Ellen has said. When my mother finally went into a nursing facility (the last week of her life), I noticed many residents there who were not in terrible shape. My mother''s roommate said she was there because the family could not afford assisted living (since medicare paid for the nursing home but not assisted living). Your MIL sounds a lot like the women I saw at my mother''s nursing home. Many residents in these kinds of places are able to walk around, make friends, attend activities, ride buses to church or attend in house church, go to a dining room, etc. Honestly, it sounds like it might be time.

 

[diamondfan]

Oh dear Ellen, certainly I did not! There are pros and cons to both.

It IS easier than living near her BUT when she comes, hubby expects me to devote to her, and he sort of works late a lot. He knows I hate her and she is impossible and yet I get stuck. Every meal, every activity, she has to come along with a sour face. When we lived near by, if she wanted to see the kids (rare because she is too selfish) I would let her come over and have my nanny in the house. I did not stay and chat or take her to lunch or wake up to her in my space. I could go have a manicure, leave to go meet a friend for lunch. That is hard for me. She sees the mailtruck coming and runs to grab and go through MY MAIL. She eavesdrops on phone calls, decides my pantry need to be reorganized (i.e. HER way) and reads my phone messages. I HATE seeing her in my guest room and being a persnickety unpleasable guest. YIKES. If I have skim, whole and 2% percent milk, she will look in the fridge, make a face and announce, I only like 1%. (I told her, take skim and two percent and mix it!!!). I can have 20 kinds of cereal from the healthiest to junk and she does not like ONE kind. 7 flavors of preserves, none is right. It makes me nuts.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 4/23/2008 4:15:19 PM
Author: diamondfan
Oh dear Ellen, certainly I did not! There are pros and cons to both.

It IS easier than living near her BUT when she comes, hubby expects me to devote to her, and he sort of works late a lot. He knows I hate her and she is impossible and yet I get stuck. Every meal, every activity, she has to come along with a sour face. When we lived near by, if she wanted to see the kids (rare because she is too selfish) I would let her come over and have my nanny in the house. I did not stay and chat or take her to lunch or wake up to her in my space. I could go have a manicure, leave to go meet a friend for lunch. That is hard for me. She sees the mailtruck coming and runs to grab and go through MY MAIL. She eavesdrops on phone calls, decides my pantry need to be reorganized (i.e. HER way) and reads my phone messages. I HATE seeing her in my guest room and being a persnickety unpleasable guest. YIKES. If I have skim, whole and 2% percent milk, she will look in the fridge, make a face and announce, I only like 1%. (I told her, take skim and two percent and mix it!!!). I can have 20 kinds of cereal from the healthiest to junk and she does not like ONE kind. 7 flavors of preserves, none is right. It makes me nuts.

And I DO feel for ya, these visits are far from fun, I know.

In reading about your MIL, and Heidi''s, it is causing me to ask a question I''ve been wondering for awhile, even before the test results of my moms were in.

At what point is it time to look for an assisted living place? I mean, what is the defining statement/action, etc? Her doc said, now is the time you might want to start thinking about alernative living arrangements, something to that affect. But when is that, because as it stands right now, my mother doesn''t want to go anywhere. And while I honestly don''t want to just up and mover her, I do worry just a tad. She''s left a pot on the stove to burn up at least once, maybe twice, and her doc knows that.

At any rate, is there even a definitive answer to this question? Or do I wait for something bad to possibly happen?

 

[justjulia]

Since there are different "flavors" of assisted living arrangements, I''d say it all comes down to money.
I saw arrangements where there were apartments that had external doors and keys, but everyone went to the building''s cafeteria for meals, another where everyone had motel style rooms along internal halls, with a cafeteria at the end of one hall. You''d want to know about access to medical care, laundry, activities, and monitoring (my mother''s had a system where I could check her schedule and see what she was offered and did that day via internet).

My mother gently fell twice in the six months prior, and was getting more and more forgetful regarding medication. I was terrified to leave her alone.

How social is your mother? Would she enjoy being around women her age? Would she enjoy people cooking for her?
I would worry about the house burning down or her getting lost somewhere, but you could always try what we did first, which was get her one of those bracelets that has the emergency call button on it. That way, if she was ever in need, help would be a button away. ...If she could remember she had the bracelet on and what it was for. We used Lifeline.

 

[justjulia]

Oh, and a side note, the Lifeline bracelet only worked at home, since it incorporated the landline. Wouldn''t work with someone who got lost away from home.


Another unrelated note that we discovered yesterday..
I have two months left before we go back down from our unbelievable budget billing rate for electricity last yr, due to the 24/7 oxygen machine.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/23/2008 4:15:19 PM
Author: diamondfan
Oh dear Ellen, certainly I did not! There are pros and cons to both.


It IS easier than living near her BUT when she comes, hubby expects me to devote to her, and he sort of works late a lot. He knows I hate her and she is impossible and yet I get stuck. Every meal, every activity, she has to come along with a sour face. When we lived near by, if she wanted to see the kids (rare because she is too selfish) I would let her come over and have my nanny in the house. I did not stay and chat or take her to lunch or wake up to her in my space. I could go have a manicure, leave to go meet a friend for lunch. That is hard for me. She sees the mailtruck coming and runs to grab and go through MY MAIL. She eavesdrops on phone calls, decides my pantry need to be reorganized (i.e. HER way) and reads my phone messages. I HATE seeing her in my guest room and being a persnickety unpleasable guest. YIKES. If I have skim, whole and 2% percent milk, she will look in the fridge, make a face and announce, I only like 1%. (I told her, take skim and two percent and mix it!!!). I can have 20 kinds of cereal from the healthiest to junk and she does not like ONE kind. 7 flavors of preserves, none is right. It makes me nuts.

That would make me absolutely crazy. Sigh.

 

[Ellen]

julia, it's not so much about the money (not that she's loaded, but you know what I mean), and which one she should go in, it's when will I know that it's time, short of something bad happening that defines the moment. If she was ready to go now, that would be great, and we'd find a place for her. But she's pretty stuck on wanting to stay in her home, and I just wonder what the responsible thing to do is, when is it time? if she never says she's ready.

And thanks, I've been thinking about something like the LifeLine thing.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/25/2008 4:01:09 PM
Author: Ellen
julia, it's not so much about the money (not that she's loaded, but you know what I mean), and which one she should go in, it's when will I know that it's time, short of something bad happening that defines the moment. If she was ready to go now, that would be great, and we'd find a place for her. But she's pretty stuck on wanting to stay in her home, and I just wonder what the responsible thing to do is, when is it time? if she never says she's ready.

And thanks, I've been thinking about something like the LifeLine thing.

What my husband's family did for his mother was find someone to come in for 2 hrs a day to cook lunch and check on things (maybe some laundry). They were able to continue this way for a couple of years. Then one of dh's sisters and her husband moved into the house with her, and they have someone come in while they are at work. I think they were able to convince her to go with this by saying it was maid service.

 

[Ellen]

Thanks julia.