aljdewey
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2002
- Messages
- 9,170
If someone were to keep promising you something and you ask when it will happen and they can''t answer you, wouldn''t you feel a little frustrated if they could never answer? Would it bother you if you want to make plans for your future but when trying to have any discussion on the topic, all they can say is ''I don''t know'' how would you feel?
By your own account, you asked him on New Years "when will we get engaged" and he said "this year". That''s not "I don''t know". Maybe it''s been "I don''t know" in the past, and I GET your frustration with that. BUT.....that''s not the answer you got then. When it came up again recently, he said "I told you when you asked me on New Years - it will be this year".
I made the statement saying if he were to propose right now, I would have to say no, meaning this- obviously, getting engaged is not everything. We still need to have a plan of action for what we are going to do with our lives after that as well and that is a topic that he can''t seem to discuss. If there is a problem like that, saying yes won''t make the problem go away.
I agree - saying yes won''t make the problem go away. If, as you say, the problem is "we need to have a plan of action for what we are going to do with our lives and he can''t discuss it", there''s two possible scenarios. Either he can''t talk about it because he''s unsure - in which case you have to decide if you can live with an unplanned, unscripted, spontaneous future. If you can, great. If you can''t, then it''s time to move on. OR...the other scenario is he tries to talk about it as HE sees it, and you cut him off telling him what you will and won''t discuss. I can see where that would get frustrating after a while, and I can see where that might stifle his communications skills. If I were told repeatedly that I could only have a conversation with my husband on HIS terms, I''d likely not do a whole lot of talking.
Perhaps he doesn''t express himself in the way you would, but he''s doing it the way he can. Again, if that''s something you can live with and work together on, great. If it''s going to be a dealbreaker, then it''s time to accept that now and move on.
Geez, by your account, I''m just being an unreasonble youn-know-what. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and continue feeling used.
By my account? Pardon me, but perhaps you need to go back and read my very first post in this thread. I''m SYMPATHETIC to your situation.....and I *said so*. I said I feel badly for the situation you''re in....which, as I understood it at the time was, he doesn''t know when he wants to move forward (or seems reluctant to). Read the post again.....I mentioned that sometimes, all you can do is evaluate what''s important to you and COMMUNICATE that to the other person. If they don''t find the same things important, it''s time to move on.
I didn''t say you were being unreasonable.....and I didn''t think you were at the outset. It''s not unreasonable to say "this is where I want to go with my life, and I want that to be with you. Do you feel the same, and where do you see us going". That''s a completely fair question. You need to know if you are wasting your time waiting for that which will NEVER come. I completely get it.
But, NY, he HAS answered your question. You asked "when we will be engaged", and he''s said "this year". I don''t know what else you want him to say that he hasn''t said. It seems as though every other discussion about future plans resolves around the proposal, and you won''t let him talk about that at all. So, if his plan is to move in after you get engaged, but he can''t say the word engagement to you, then how is he supposed to communicate that?
He''s given you an answer - *this year*. You need to evaluate whether or not you can live with that. If you can, then you need to let it drop, stay together and give him the year to make good on it. If you can''t accept that, then you need to tell him "that''s not definitive enough" and have him narrow it down into a timeframe you find comfortable.....say, for example, "this fall". If he cannot get more definitive, then ball''s in your court - and it''s time to move on.
Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and continue feeling used.
That''s not what I said, and it''s not what I meant. Go reread this entire thread. In fact, *I* was one of those who supported your position initially. I said that I felt badly for your situation and that I could understand needing a more definitive answer on timelines, so don''t sit here and say to me "how would YOU feel" and that *I''m* painting you as unreasonable. That''s simply not so.
But as this thread has progressed, you *have* sent inconsistent messages, and I suspect you don''t realize it. I offered my observations in TRYING TO HELP because I can see how miserable you are.....and now *I''m* the bad guy for doing so. If you aren''t prepared to hear honest feedback, then simply say so and we''ll quit trying to help.
By your own account, you asked him on New Years "when will we get engaged" and he said "this year". That''s not "I don''t know". Maybe it''s been "I don''t know" in the past, and I GET your frustration with that. BUT.....that''s not the answer you got then. When it came up again recently, he said "I told you when you asked me on New Years - it will be this year".
I made the statement saying if he were to propose right now, I would have to say no, meaning this- obviously, getting engaged is not everything. We still need to have a plan of action for what we are going to do with our lives after that as well and that is a topic that he can''t seem to discuss. If there is a problem like that, saying yes won''t make the problem go away.
I agree - saying yes won''t make the problem go away. If, as you say, the problem is "we need to have a plan of action for what we are going to do with our lives and he can''t discuss it", there''s two possible scenarios. Either he can''t talk about it because he''s unsure - in which case you have to decide if you can live with an unplanned, unscripted, spontaneous future. If you can, great. If you can''t, then it''s time to move on. OR...the other scenario is he tries to talk about it as HE sees it, and you cut him off telling him what you will and won''t discuss. I can see where that would get frustrating after a while, and I can see where that might stifle his communications skills. If I were told repeatedly that I could only have a conversation with my husband on HIS terms, I''d likely not do a whole lot of talking.
Perhaps he doesn''t express himself in the way you would, but he''s doing it the way he can. Again, if that''s something you can live with and work together on, great. If it''s going to be a dealbreaker, then it''s time to accept that now and move on.
Geez, by your account, I''m just being an unreasonble youn-know-what. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and continue feeling used.
By my account? Pardon me, but perhaps you need to go back and read my very first post in this thread. I''m SYMPATHETIC to your situation.....and I *said so*. I said I feel badly for the situation you''re in....which, as I understood it at the time was, he doesn''t know when he wants to move forward (or seems reluctant to). Read the post again.....I mentioned that sometimes, all you can do is evaluate what''s important to you and COMMUNICATE that to the other person. If they don''t find the same things important, it''s time to move on.
I didn''t say you were being unreasonable.....and I didn''t think you were at the outset. It''s not unreasonable to say "this is where I want to go with my life, and I want that to be with you. Do you feel the same, and where do you see us going". That''s a completely fair question. You need to know if you are wasting your time waiting for that which will NEVER come. I completely get it.
But, NY, he HAS answered your question. You asked "when we will be engaged", and he''s said "this year". I don''t know what else you want him to say that he hasn''t said. It seems as though every other discussion about future plans resolves around the proposal, and you won''t let him talk about that at all. So, if his plan is to move in after you get engaged, but he can''t say the word engagement to you, then how is he supposed to communicate that?
He''s given you an answer - *this year*. You need to evaluate whether or not you can live with that. If you can, then you need to let it drop, stay together and give him the year to make good on it. If you can''t accept that, then you need to tell him "that''s not definitive enough" and have him narrow it down into a timeframe you find comfortable.....say, for example, "this fall". If he cannot get more definitive, then ball''s in your court - and it''s time to move on.
Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and continue feeling used.
That''s not what I said, and it''s not what I meant. Go reread this entire thread. In fact, *I* was one of those who supported your position initially. I said that I felt badly for your situation and that I could understand needing a more definitive answer on timelines, so don''t sit here and say to me "how would YOU feel" and that *I''m* painting you as unreasonable. That''s simply not so.
But as this thread has progressed, you *have* sent inconsistent messages, and I suspect you don''t realize it. I offered my observations in TRYING TO HELP because I can see how miserable you are.....and now *I''m* the bad guy for doing so. If you aren''t prepared to hear honest feedback, then simply say so and we''ll quit trying to help.
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