Boy Soon

[Croí]

boy oh boy - I''ve been sitting here reading this thread and I have to jump in (even though I have not read every post yet !)

For those of you who have read this story already, apologies !
I met and fell for a boy when I was 19. I moved in with him seven months later. We moved continents and stayed together. We went through family ''crap'' and stayed together. We went through sickness and stayed together. I loved him more than I could stand. Still, as many of you have noted, others (together much less time) found a way to commit and discuss their commitment and expectations in a way we just couldn''t seem to do. Eleven years later, heartbroken and completely lost, I moved out. I totally believed he wouldn''t let it happen, wouldn''t let us end, would fight for me and for our over-a-decade-long GOOD (it was really good and happy for the most part, we used to wonder at couples that seem to fight all the time) relationship. He did nothing. He just, bascially, carried on without batting an eyelid. He changed nothing in his life, nothing in his routine, nothing in anything. I fell completely apart, totally went to pieces. Depression, counselling, the whole works.

I left him on April Fool''s Day (because I wasn''t sure if was being a fool for walking away or a fool for not sticking it out some more).

This Friday is April Fool''s Day ......... three years later.
And this Friday I will be doing the first half of two days of a Catholic pre-marriage course with the man I am going to marry in four weeks time !

It might seem insane and soon and crazy but instead I feel content and calm and happy ... it feels ''''right''''. While there was a certain amount of girl-soon, boy-soon after my now fiance initially brought up marriage, the bottom line is we both know it''s right and that nothing has ever ''fit'' for us as well as the person that is in our lives right now. We both brought lots of previous-relationship hard learned lessons and thicker skins to the table, but we found strength and courage and love and were able to let those skins dissolve until we were truly scarey naked and wide open for each to see ....... and we loved what we saw ! I love every tiny atom that makes him who he is and I cannot WAIT to be his wife.

I couldn''t be happier and I couldn''t be more certain.

If the ex had ever asked me, I would have joyfully said ''yes'' but I know now that all my future joy from that point would have been found in our extended life, kids, family, community - moreso than from ourselves and our love for each other.

Now, I have hardly any friends at all (they all sided with the ex as I left him) and yet I feel no emptiness at all. I''m a full and fulfilled.

I feel lucky that I walked away or I''d never have known what was waiting for me ! True love and partnership like I never dared dream of or hope for.

I wish all you ''waiting-waiting-waiting-still waiting'' ladies all the luck in the world. Whether you go or stay, I believe nothing that is for you will go by you ........ it will happen as it should and you will find your happiness.

*HUGSTOALL*
C

 

[ky6]

Croi-

This isn''t really related to the thread, but I just wanted to tell you that I always love reading what you have to say! I lurk more often than participate, but somehow I find your posts are always so uplifting and poignant. Anyhow, especially with this last one (which is the first time I have heard your story), I thought I would let you know how thoughtful and thought provoking your posts are and how much they are appreciated. I have been following your joy throughout your engagement and planning process and I am truly happy for you.

Ky6

 

[Croí]

ky6

you have no idea how much your words have made me smile. as the ''big sister'' I always HOPE to have words of wisdom and comfort to impart - you made me feel like maybe I actually manage it ! THANK YOU !!!

I hope things work out for all our girls here - but I have learned that being true to yourself is the key to REAL happiness. It can''t ever truly come from anything on the outside if you can''t already find it yourself on the inside.



anyhow, thanks very much for the sweet post and thanks for the luck and for following my story ...

*hugs*
C

 

[nytemist]

Ally-

I know this doesn''t really do much to help, but only you truly know if this is a matter that you can try to live with, or if it''s a deal-breaker. I also believe that men don''t certain behaviors unless they really want to. I''m not saying this to generalize all men, but if there is reapeated behavior that hurts you, makes you angry, makes you upset, or anything like that, what does that tell you? Either he doesn''t think it''s a big deal, which could say something about his maturity, or, unfortunately, deep inside he may not care about changing his ways, which says he doens''t really have that much for you and his relationship. This sunds really harsh, I know, but if you have made your point so many times and it keeps happening, what else could it be? Short-term memory loss that makes him forget the last time he acted that way? You and all the other ladies here deserve the utmost in respect- if the men we are with want us to love them and accept them and all of those drama that can sometimes come with them, the need to treat us with all the respect they can, then 10% more.

Nooner- Thank you for the encouraging words. I think that the bad dating experiences way in the past have made me this strong now. I love him a lot... I didn''t think I would ever find a man that loved me just how I am. I''m full-figured, love my velvet Renn clothing, my tattoos and piercings and more. Apparently this is what attracted him- that I am not afraid to do what I want. It hurts that this situation is going on since I have someone who see more than the outside. I adore him, but I''m not going to rely on false promises. He really is relazing this more. I have gotten 9 messages from him since Monday and it''s tearing me apart to not call him back. It hurts. I want him to stop with the knee-jerk reaction to not talking to me and feeling lonely and actually start his thought process about how he wants to lay out plans for the next few months, willing to bring his ideas and suggestions to the table so we can really look forward as a team.

 

[NoonersMom]

Nytemist.....Behind every strong woman is a heart that was once broken. After you go through the process of heart ache and come through the other side you realize that if you made it through that, you can make it through anything. You truly are a strong woman & will survive & thrive, whatever dreams may come! It sounds like he is a good man, all be it a procrastinator...lol. Have you considered calling him back & asking him to respect your decision & to go through the soul searching process....for both of you? Maybe he doesn''t see this as an opportunity to do some soul searching & truly improve the relationship. Food for thought. Either way, stay strong & keep taking good care of yourself, all around.

 

[icekid]

ally- ok, i''ve been thinking about the situation w/ your bf for the past couple days. it seems like something so small and silly... yet, so inconsiderate. if i had explicit plans w/ my bf and he just ditched me for a few hours w/out calling or anything, i would be PISSED. i don''t know if i could deal with that regularly. i have no problem w/ him spending time w/ the guys b/c i know that i do come first and the vast majority of his time is spent with me (especially since we moved and he now lives 400 miles away from his lifelong buddies!). but i really don''t think there is any excuse for treating you like that. as if you should sit at home and wait for him??? grrrrrrr. above that, if i was waiting for my bf and he was 2 hours late i would be so worried that he had been in a car accident or the such. when i found out that he was ok, i would probably kill him!

and i am going to differ slightly on the opinions about his friends. while it is true that you are dating your bf, not his friends- i do think the people you choose to associate with says a lot about you and your priorities. my ex (!!) bf and i had absolutely completely different taste in friends, people, activites. i loved him, but i just don''t see how it could have ever worked. he wanted to drink 4-5 times/wk, and had friends who did the same. at the time, i was a pre-med whose friends were also very focused on school and becoming physicians or other professionals. we literally could not spend time with the other''s friends. his friends tended to be barely HS educated and found my ambition intimidating. (crazy, me and all of my 5''1"... intimidating?! hehe.) fast forward to current bf, whose friends i love. we''re all a lot alike... career focused, bright, like to have fun and go out but not every night. i guess what i am saying is that while a relationship doesn''t require that you have similar friends, it sure does help. and to be honest, it doesn''t sound like his friends are exactly what you might consider good influences.

i know you''ve told your bf that you hate the fact that he ditches you without so much as a call. beyond that, what can you do??? try again, i guess... ultimately it seems you will have to decide if you can live with that kind of beahvior since it doesn''t seem that it will stop anytime soon!

 

[Buena Girl]

nytemist-
Stay strong, we are all pulling for you!!! Please feel free to post anytime you need to vent more, or need to distract yourself from wanting to call him. I hope everything works out in the end!

ally-
Yipes, I had no idea your b/f leaves you hanging for 2 hours without calling! Something like that has only happened with my b/f a few times, and it was mostly due to miscommunication. Once, it was before he got his own cell phone and did not want to use up his friends minutes, so he waited until he could get to a pay phone. Another time, he was at his friend''s house all day, who is over an hour away from me, and I thought he was coming over to my place that night. Well, @ 9pm or so he hasn''t shown up or called. I called his friend''s place and talked to b/f. He said what he meant was he "might" come over later, as in plans were tentative and he wasn''t sure how late he was going to be at his friend''s place. Nowadays, I try to check if he means something is a tentative "might" or if it is a definite plan.

The times when your b/f left you hanging, had your b/f made definite plans to pick you up, or did he consider them tentative plans? Does he have a cell phone or pager? If he made definite, no doubt about it, plans to pick you up, and then never showed and called you 2 hours later to say he would be late, I think that it is fair to be pissed at him. I like your idea of going out with your friends and not waiting around for him

If this happens often enough, maybe he will finally get what you have been trying to tell him!

 

[MissAva]

Now it isnt just boy soon it is boy plans... damn but they are confusing creatures.

 

[nytemist]

I hope everyone''s had a decent week. Mine has been ok, but the weekend will be interesting. BF just happened to catch me on the phone here at work today and said he wanted to get together. Said we had ''some serious things to talk about.'' I asked what was on his mind. He said the valid points that I brought up in recent weeks. I reminded that we shouldn''t be talking for another month, didn''t he remember that I was giving you this time to figure your stuff out? He said he couldn''t do it... he was afraid that I''m starting to mentally move away from him and disliking him for his inability to make any decisions right now. He is afraid that I would never talk to him again. I said no, that''s not the case- I don''t hate you or anything, just tired of being in no-man''s land. He asked me again to please not leave him. I said I''m not planning to. But this was a break designed for you to figure out if you were ready to plan for our future-together- and for me work my own things. I said I know I want to be with you in the future, you needed to find out if this was too much for you. He pleaded to get together with me tomorrow. I haven''t decided if I will yet, told him I would call him later on and let him know.

 

[appletini]

Stay strong and at least hold out on him for another week. There really is nothing to discuss, either he wants to move forward with you or he doesn''t. Its a yes/no.

 

[jasper]

Why The Giving Tree is an evil book.

Blue Chica,

Thank you for posting comments from some of the guys you know. One guy said:

I know of a guy, upper 20''s, who didn''t say "I love you" for almost 2 years of dating a girl, but eventually he did, I guess when he was ready. It''s maturity, and it comes down to each individual, so you just gotta take each person as they come.

Perhaps the guy who didn''t say "I love you" had been taught an excessive definition of love, and needed time to discover a more practical one.

When I was a small child, my mother had me read The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein. The book''s standard of love was horrifying. I would never allow myself to be mutilated the way that tree was. For twenty years, I could not say "I love you".

Fortunately, I have had the chance to observe more practical examples of people''s love for each other. Today, I am glad to say that I love my family. I am blessed by the chance to love my fiancée, and blessed by her love for me.

-- Jasper

 

[nytemist]

Well, I tried appletini,

I went out yesterday to run some errands, then hung out with a friend of mine. We both had some talking to do about our respective relationships, and the he went with me to try on some dresses to wear to BF''s sister''s wedding (only 27 days, can''t believe it!) It''s good to go shopping with a guy friend you trust, they will tell you when you look bad in something without being insulting.While we were out, my dad calls me to ask was I expecting BF because he was at my house (yes, I live at home- very long story) I said no, why was he there???? I''m starting to think ''wow, is finally going to have the The Talk with my parents??????'' But then I thought don''t be stupid. I took my time dropping off my friend and getting home. I asked why he was there and he said he just needed to see me and hug me. Begged me again to not shut him out. I said I''m not, just leaving you alone so you can sort your head out. He said he knows what he wants and it''s me- everything else is just superficial. That he had no doubt he wanted to get engaged soon, marry me and really start looking ahead. I asked when. He didn''t know how to answer. He says ''when what?'' I asked when are we getting engaged? He says ''this year, I told you that New Year''s day''. I said once again, I asked you if you aren''t going to do it now, not to bring it up. Are you enjoying teasing me with that? He claims he didn''t realize that''s what he was doing. I said I don''t want to hear the words marriage or engagement until he gets on one knee, holds my hand and asks me. I said are you doing that now? He says ''I want to.'' I asked what''s stopping you? No more skirting the issue. Why are you stalling? After a couple of minutes all he can say is now isn''t the right time and I would understand when it happens. I said either that''s very sweet because your planning something or that''s the biggest cop-out I''ve ever heard. Right now it''s time for you to leave and call me when you are ready to plan for moving things forward. Maybe I won''t have given up by that time. He was about to say something I said no- I''ll see you the night of the rehearsal dinner, and the next day at the wedding. Also don''t just randomly show up at my house again unless I invite you or you are here to tell my parents you are asking me to marry you.

I told my friend I don''t know what to do. He said what you all have told me- to keep going ahead. When BF is really faced with losing me, he will wise up or it will come to light that he is too afraid. For all this, it better be one hell of a surprise coming...

 

[appletini]

ny...that''s tough. I hope he has one big surprise b/c you deserve the best! I''m proud of you for holding firm. Boys just don''t get it sometimes.

 

[allycat0303]

Hey Everyone!

Well it was a very strange weekend. First of all thanks for all of the advice! Icekid, Buena girl and Nytemist, you girls are such help! So I told my boyfriend that I wanted to break up, and he (miracle) took me seriously, and started telling me how I had never told him there was a problem....uhhhmmm ok. I just scream and throw things at him because I''m happy??? I don''t know, he wants a chance to work things out and went on about it all weekend, about how things were going to change (specifically). I told him I would let him know if I wanted to give this another try. He also read your posts on pricescope over my shoulder and was SHOCKED at how badly viewed his behavior was, so I think it was a wakeup call because he really didn''t think it was a big deal. He thought I was overrreacting, but all of you girls were pretty vehment that it was WRONG so he seemed to get it. It''s the first time in years that I feel like he really GETS it. Although I haven''t committed to anything yet. I told him we were taking a break and we''ll see how it goes.

Icekid: Yeah, my current boyfriend''s friends are strange. Although they are educated, and make a very good living, their relationships seem so twisted. My boyfriend has two sets of friends, the Hockey guys (educated/weathly) and the pot-smoking high school grads. I don''t have anything in common with either set.

Buena: My boyfriend only ditches me during casual plans. We spend a lot of time together (and have been together for 9 years, so nothing is very definite) Let''s say we spent the whole day together, then he plays hockey and he''ll say "I''ll come pick you after hockey" which he always says. And then he won''t call until two hours after. GRRRR.... thinking about it has got me riled up again.

Nytemist: You are being so strong about all this. Your friend was absolutely right, don''t keep your life on hold waiting for him to shape up. It seems as though you are surrounded by caring friends.

Matatora: I thought the whole BOY PLAN thing was so cute. So I had to let you know.

Talk to you girls soon!

 

[snow_happy]

Hi ally,

Some of the things I thought about with my FI before we got engaged included things in the far far future. My parents don''t have the greatest of relationships and always told me that things were great before the kids because they were easy going about each other''s faults. Once there were kids and added responsibility, they were less willing to compromise and things such as tardiness and flakiness became huge problems. (I know it sounds twisted that they told me this) So when things started to get serious with my FI, I thought about his faults and how they would play into the future that I wanted (family, future financial situation, etc.). Maybe it would help to take a look at how your bf is and if he''s someone you want to be with through the things you want for your future.

It seems like he''s gotten a wake up call so maybe he will realize the seriousness of the situation. From talking to you on PS, I truly feel that you are kind, intelligent and deserve to be in a great relationship. I hope things work out for the best!

 

[nytemist]

Ally-

I''m very happy that he is starting to ''get it.'' Maybe his clue phone will start ringing about how important you are in his life and how much more respect he should be giving you.

I''m just in a crabby mood. I re-read my last post and realized wow, I can''t believe how stupid I''m being! At this age! Plain and simple- I don''t think he loves me. Not enough to be sure about having a future with me. Unless he completely changes his outlook and grows up, we''re done. I will still go to the wedding, but after that when we talk, I''m telling him this. I''m not being yanked around anymore. Pardon me as go bash my head into a wall for a while.

 

[appletini]

Ally,
Correct me if I''m wrong, but isn''t this why you broke up with him around new years?

 

[MissAva]

Oh NYTempist! I am sorry that you are feeling so rotten right now. *hug* I am sure that things will work out for the best with whomever you are meant to be with. I know that sounds trite and I dont mean for it to. You come acroos as a strong wiilled and thoughtful woman. New York would be a great place for ya''ll to fall in love again and if that doesnt work out then it is also a great place to find solace in everything there is to do and to meet new people and explosre your interests. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[allycat0303]

Appletini: Yes indeed. This is the recurring reason for breaking up. And for some reason, last time he didn''t get it. I just kind of made peace with the situation, but not this time. Too much GRRRR...

Nytemist: I liked your post! I don''t know if he really gets it or not. I know he cried, showed real remose, read your posts. Who know what goes on in their head. I''m not going to stress to much over this today, I''ve got too many other things on my mind. I guess you do too

 

[nytemist]

So-

Once again BF called me (when we''re ssupposed to be taking a break) I guess for a legitimate reason, he called to confirm what I wanted for my meal at the rehersal dinner (for his sister''s wedding). He aslo said that his sister was having a photographer at rehearsal as well, and did I mind if she had pictures of BF and I for their mom to have? I said asked why did his mom want pics of us? He said she asked for a pic of us together, since we''ll be engaged soon. I said ''what does she know that I don''t? You''re just going to start getting your mom''s hopes up too? I know how soon works in your world.'' He says what is so wrong with that? I was shaking my head, just speechless. The he tells me that he has been ''making sure'' that I am included in the events of the wedding weekend. Apparently, there is to be party after the rehearsal dinner that the groom''s father is putting together, and I wasn''t word-of-mouth invited (since he doesn''t know me) BF made sure to go to his sister and ask that I could come, right? She admitted that the father is kind of conservative and figured it would be for family. I said well he has a point- it''s his party that he''s puting together and he can invite who he wants. Plus I''M NOT FAMILY. He says ''yes you are, well we all consider you family. You will be officially soon.'' Add this to the fact that he is upset about something I said to his sister in an email. That I thanked her for inviting me to everything and appreciated it- she''s didn''t have to include me in everything since I''m not family. She said after this time, I should be since she and her fiance have been together only 4 months longer than BF and I. I said hey, when you know, you know- apparently he doesn''t. I guess she has been trying to give him her extra wedding planners to give to me and he''s like ''she''ll get her own when she needs them'' Anyway, through this whole phone conversation, he had a very light-hearted tone like nothing is wrong. He says ''I know that you will probably say no, but can we see each other on Saturday? I really need to talk to you." I said no, any discussions will happen after the wedding, so I don''t walk around at the wedding miserable. He asked why would I be miserable? I though you weren''t going to leave? I said we are not giong to talk about this now. Sat. is my day anyway- I have to get my taxes done and then hopefully pick up the dress that I want to wear to the wedding.

It hurts not talking to him, it feels so weird, but kind of freeing not having to worry about what argument I will get into on a given day.

 

[MissAva]

I am sorry that he is not respecting your request not to contact you until after the wedding. How are you feeling? It sounds like you are happy to have a little bit of room to breathe. I wish I had something brillant and comforting to say but I dont. Just know that we are here is you need us.

 

[nytemist]

I''m feeling a lot of things-

I''m upset that I can''t talk to him right now, it hurts too much. There are things I want to chat about, but I know where it would lead. I''m getting mad that he hasn''t sat down for the past week or whatever and really though out what he wants to do or say. I''m annoyed that he sounds like everything is fine on the phone- maybe to him everything IS fine. I want to save this, I have no idea what he is thinking. It seems time apart has been the only way to get him to talk. I can''t stand not seeing him. Who knows what is actually going through his mind, but yo mee it seems he hasn''t been giving things serious thought since he keeps calling me with nothing really important to say, yet if I say something regarding my future plans, I''m sounding like I''m "not living in reality" or that I''m "making plans without him." What does he expect? It seems that if someone in a relationship WANTS to be in the relationship, making plans for it should not be so hard. It should be something you want to do with that person. He can''t seem to be able so that tells me that he doesn''t want to. I could be way off track, but I have no way of knowing that since HE DOESN''T TALK. My one saving grace is his sister. She''s already told him that it would be the dumbest thing he ever does if he lets me go. She and his mom love the affect I''ve had on him. Even his other sister thinks it''s time for him to get on the ball. I just want to knock him over the head and tell him to get off the fence.

 

[nytemist]

Every weekend seems to be more dramatic! I''ve been BF-free for a couple of days. but then get and email from his sister. She was confirming that I was still coming to the wedding since she just learned that BF and I have ben having some issues. She had a sit-down talk with him. apparently trying to make him understand things from a female point of view. She told me that he wants to make future plans ''soon''. Not to give up on him, he has a lot on his mind too with having to move and the emotional aspect of watching his other sister get married in 3 weeks and move away. I wrote back and and said yes, I get it- it''s not the easiest time for him right now. But he''s not the only one in the world, not the only one with issues going on right now. I''m trying to workd a nutty, dead-end job, going to school to get myself out of here and all that, so I don''t need for someone to keep making promiseses to me that don''t seem like they will become reality. She just asked please for me not to leave him, she knows him so well and says he would be beyond miserable if I did. I said I can''t make any guarantees and she shouldn''t be worried about it... she has a man in her life who isn''t afraid of love and the future that she is marrying!

I know he will probably call or something in the next few days. Not being in touch with me for a few days has been making him mental. And he''s getting worried that this break could become permanent. I don''t want that, but maybe he should have started taking things more seriously sooner. Do I even bother anymore?

 

[appletini]

NY...that makes it even harder when you start getting pressure from the sister. Did you tell her that this time apart is for him to think about what *he* wants?

 

[snow_happy]

nytemist..

I''m so sorry the drama keeps compounding! It''s so hard when his sisters are urging you to give him more time when maybe they don''t understand fully how frustrated you are with the situation. How are the other parts of your relationship with your bf? If he did propose in the next few weeks would you say yes? You mentioned in your last post that he doesn''t seem to want to talk about or confront his feelings. Is this how he always is? If so, can you deal with it for the rest of your life?

 

[nytemist]

His sister is aware of the break so that he can get his head together. She isn''t really giving me pressure, but she wants to try and understand what is going on. She sees him at home and knows something is wrong. We like each other a lot, I don''t see it as pressure at all. She cares about her brother and wants to try and help him through things as well.
BF used to be close-mouthed about everything, since he was insanely shy. Over the years we worked together and when we started dating, he had to open up. He can openly talk about everything now and he''s more social, but it seems that his mouth made mention of marriage before his head was ready to do it. So looks like there is a little bit of backtracking and that''s what annoys me, since he brought it up before he could do it. If he were to propose this moment, I would have to say no. There are other issues that need to be hammered out and he should talk to me about what he wants to do 6-7 months from now. That''s more important right now. I would rather be sure that he wants this relationship to continue and really know what we will be planning together.
I''m actually glad to talk to his sister. She feels bad that she hasn''t been really paying attention to what''s going on with BF, since she''s been so wrapped up her wedding plans for the past year. The two of them actually hung out the other night- he''s helping her with sorting stuff she getting rid of, packing, deciding what to do with furniture and all and then they went out for dinner and drinks so she could really lend an ear to the situation. I''m sure she knows more than she''s telling me though; I think she may know when he plans on doing something and I''m not supposed to know yet- that is why she is sure I shouldn''t leave.

 

[MissAva]

Bless your heart! Do you have any other female friend who knwo your BF and are not related to him? I am sorry that you are not getting the results that you had desired. Ho w much longer before you are scheduled to see him? Are you exctied at the hought or fearful? I hope he is taking this time to reflect and not just to whine to members of his family. Good Luck and keep us posted.

 

[aljdewey]

Nytemist, I have to point out that it seems this guy cannot win in the situation you've put him in currently.


You said this before: Fast forward to New Year's Eve 2004-New Years Day 2005. That morning I asked him what were his goals for the year (he doesn't make resolutions) He said that wanted to find an apartment he could afford and be comfortable first. Then he wanted to work on getting engaged. He was about to get into a discussion about it, but a stopped him and reminded him if he wasn't going to do it, not to talk about it.

He tried to talk about it, and you said "don't talk to be about it until you're ready to DO it." You've been saying this to him right along.

(he said) he had no doubt he wanted to get engaged soon, marry me and really start looking ahead. I asked when. He didn't know how to answer. He says 'when what?' I asked when are we getting engaged? He says 'this year, I told you that New Year's day'. I said once again, I asked you if you aren't going to do it now, not to bring it up. I said I don't want to hear the words marriage or engagement until he gets on one knee, holds my hand and asks me.

You asked "when are we getting engaged", he said this year, and you said, "if you aren't going to do it now, don't bring it up.

Date: 4/11/2005 9:39:58 AM
Author: nytemist

If he were to propose this moment, I would have to say no. There are other issues that need to be hammered out and he should talk to me about what he wants to do 6-7 months from now. That's more important right now.

NOW you're saying: "If he proposed now, I'd say no.....I want him to talk about what he wants to do 6-7 months from now." How can he answer the question when you won't let him talk about it?

I said I don't want to hear the words marriage or engagement until he gets on one knee, holds my hand and asks me.

You're not being consistent. As far as he's concerned right now, there is NO way to make you happy from what you've said. You don't want him to propose now, you want to know what he wants 6-7 months from now, BUT he can't say "I want to be engaged then" because you won't let him discuss that.

What EXACTLY do you want from him? How is he supposed to talk to you if you keep censoring what he can say and when he can say it?

You are not being clear on what will satisfy you. It seems to me you need to get a clear grasp of what it is you really want from him, and then tell him what that is.

 

[nytemist]

If someone were to keep promising you something and you ask when it will happen and they can''t answer you, wouldn''t you feel a little frustrated if they could never answer? Would it bother you if you want to make plans for your future but when trying to have any discussion on the topic, all they can say is "I don''t know" how would you feel?

I made the statement saying if he were to propose right now, I would have to say no, meaning this- obviously, getting engaged is not everything. We still need to have a plan of action for what we are going to do with our lives after that as well and that is a topic that he can''t seem to discuss. If there is a problem like that, saying yes won''t make the problem go away.

Geez, by your account, I''m just being an unreasonble youn-know-what. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and continue feeling used.

Matator- yes I do have other friends that know him, but that''s not a problem. I like his sister, her giving her opinions doesn''t boher me. I was just stating that someone else is trying to give him a female point of view. That''s it. I''m supposed to really sit down and talk with him the day after his sister''s wedding on May 1. Of course I look forward to seeing him, I miss him terribly. And I feel nervous because I don''t know this converation will go. I''m not this cold-hearted troll- I would simply like to have an idea of when we can start making plans together. Is that so wrong?

 

[ammayernyc]

Nytemist -- I''m sorry that you''re having such troubles. It''s horrible to feel that way that you do. However, I do agree with aljdewey a little. This is how I see things. I''m sorry if I"m completely wrong. And I''m not judging or criticising you in any way.

You and your bf love each other very much, but whenever you try to talk about the future, he seems to shut down. (Very common, I have one of those too...). So, you got frustrated as any normal woman would.

However, it seems that now he does want to talk about things but you''ve set this date where you can not talk about things until after it passes. Why not talk to him now? Are things really going to change that much in three weeks? It seems like you want him in your future, but you have set up very specific rules for how he can be in it.

If you want to break up with him, which you keep saying you don''t, then do it. Don''t worry about his sisters wedding. It seems like going will only make it worse for you.

But I think you should talk to him now. Knowing that it will happen in the future only builds it up...