WWYD if someone gave you a returnable gift that...

[LookintheMouth]

...was, in your mind, wildly overpriced?

I usually post under a different account but I need more anonymity.

I received a gift that was a very expensive piece of jewelry (not an engagement ring or ring of any sort, and not from my husband). I would estimate that the giver spent $7,000-$10,000. The only problem is, it's from a department store, made up of uncertified I1 and I2 diamonds. I know if I could get the giver to let me return it, I could buy something substantially similar from a PS vendor, but with better quality stones, without adding any money to it.

I'm just sick about the waste here (or, what I perceive to be the waste). I tried to let it go, but when I think about so much money being spent on what would be unsellable on the secondary market, it drives me crazy. Not that I plan to resell it, but that's how I always think of my jewelry purchases. In this case, I estimate it would be worth 1/10 of what the giver paid. Infuriating! I am upset that the store lead them to believe it was a fair price. I will admit, I am also upset with the giver for not respecting my request to be involved with any diamond purchases.

Alright PriceScope. Help me out.

 

[LizH]

That's a tough situation but I can completely understand your response. Does the giver know that you are somewhat of a diamond connoisseur? It does help to at least understand under what pretenses the gift was given in the first place too....

But generally speaking, if someone is spending that much money on a gift for someone it would tell me that they very much want to ensure your happiness with the gift. Have they asked what you thought of it? What was your response? If they know that you are particular about your jewelry, it shouldn't come as a surprise that you have some feedback. The truth may sting at first, but if they are a good friend (which is presumed since they spent a lot of money on this gift), then they should be able to handle it as well as get over it. It is jewelry, and jewelry is meant to be admired and adored. They would understand that you had a difference in opinion and opted for something a little more "you".

 

[LookintheMouth]

Thanks for responding, Liz. All I've said so far is that it's beautiful, because it certainly is. And it's absolutely my style, which kills me even more. Really, the only problem I have with it is that the diamond quality isn't in line with the price tag. The giver knows a little about it, and I sat down with this person before to show them a couple sites where jewelry could be found for fair prices, and asked at that time to be allowed to help with diamond purchases generally. But, I guess everyone loves to give surprise gifts.

 

[Maisie]

My thoughts are:

You asked the giver to let you be part of the buying process. They opted not to do that. This tells me that they liked the gift they gave you and want you to have that specific item.

They obviously aren't short of a penny or two so they don't mind the amount they spent.

You know you could do better, but it doesn't mean its right to ask them to let you buy your own gift instead of the one they chose for you.

I would be over the moon if someone wanted to spend that much money on a gift for me. If they love it, I would love it too....simply because they went out and purchased it for me.

Is this a family member or a friend? If its family then maybe you could approach them with a view to changing the piece. If its a friend I would leave it alone and enjoy it because they love you so much they wanted to spend such a large sum of money on you. I'm sure the last thing you want to look like is ungrateful.

 

[Enerchi]

Just a random thought --- did they really purchase it or could they be regifting it to you because it wasn't right for them, either?

 

[LookintheMouth]

Just a random thought --- did they really purchase it or could they be regifting it to you because it wasn't right for them, either?

DEFINITELY bought for me specifically. I won't get into how I know, but it was bought with me in mind, which kills me even more.

 

[LookintheMouth]

My thoughts are:

You asked the giver to let you be part of the buying process. They opted not to do that. This tells me that they liked the gift they gave you and want you to have that specific item.

They obviously aren't short of a penny or two so they don't mind the amount they spent.

You know you could do better, but it doesn't mean its right to ask them to let you buy your own gift instead of the one they chose for you.

I would be over the moon if someone wanted to spend that much money on a gift for me. If they love it, I would love it too....simply because they went out and purchased it for me.

Is this a family member or a friend? If its family then maybe you could approach them with a view to changing the piece. If its a friend I would leave it alone and enjoy it because they love you so much they wanted to spend such a large sum of money on you. I'm sure the last thing you want to look like is ungrateful.

It is a family member, one who has gifted me lovely jewelry in the past and almost certainly intends to do so in the future.

 

[Maisie]

Do you know why they chose not to include you in the buying process?

 

[LizH]

You're welcome. Well, I guess the question is...can you live with this piece and still admire it and appreciate the thought behind it? If you can, then you know your answer.

However, if it is going to bother you as a constant reminder of a minor irritance, it might be worth it to just tell them how you feel and pick out an alternative.

 

[LookintheMouth]

Do you know why they chose not to include you in the buying process?

I think it's because they wanted it to be a surprise because it is related to an occasion.

I know this comes off as at least a little bratty. I am SO GRATEFUL to be so loved and spoiled. I just hate to see money wasted on maul jewelry. It makes me feel like the giver is being scammed.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Would you wear it as is? Or is the diamond quality that bad it would bug you too much?

I think if you love it enough to be able to wear it then maybe it's best just to let it be? The gift giver obviously didn't have a problem spending that much on you so maybe you shouldn't either, but if the quality of the diamonds would stop you from wearing it and it will only sit in your jewelry box never to see the light of day unless the gift giver is around and you can return it, maybe you should, otherwise it really would be a waste.

It's a tough decision, ESP if you want to stop these types of gifts happening again. By not saying anything you are basically giving them the green light to not include you in any decisions on future purchases and they will think you are happy with that.

 

[Enerchi]

Just a random thought --- did they really purchase it or could they be regifting it to you because it wasn't right for them, either?

DEFINITELY bought for me specifically. I won't get into how I know, but it was bought with me in mind, which kills me even more.

oh... ok... Darn, cuz then you could have returned and not felt guilty - rats!!

Well, they certainly care about you enough that they wanted to treat you to something special. They know you love diamonds, so they bought you what they thought you liked... they were definitely trying hard for you!!

I have similar thoughts to you - "if you know this is what I love and I research extensively, why not come to me for input?". I hear what you are saying - you could have maximized their budget or saved them money. So, you can either bring it up delicately and say something like, "It means a lot that I am this special to you... blah blah blah...- but it is too generous of a gift. Could we return it and select something less expensive? I have a great resource and a few ideas...."??? Not sure if that would sit well or not - depends on how close and who these people are (family often take that kind of thing better than friends!)

or....

you live with it and know someone cares THIS MUCH about you that money was no object for you! Tough situation to be in. Good luck!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Do you know why they chose not to include you in the buying process?

I think it's because they wanted it to be a surprise because it is related to an occasion.

I know this comes off as at least a little bratty. I am SO GRATEFUL to be so loved and spoiled. I just hate to see money wasted on maul jewelry. It makes me feel like the giver is being scammed.

I understand. My MIL gifted myself and her daughter a pair of diamond Huggies last christmas. They are from a chain store and are probably worth 1/10th of what she paid as well. It makes me sad every time I look at them in the jewelry box. It was such a beautiful gesture wasted on chain store diamonds. (i'm fairly certain her neighbors friend worked at the store and got her a 'deal' on the two pairs. And we all know how that usually goes)

 

[iLander]

If you can return it, do so. To assuage your guilt, buy a little jewelry something for the giver for Christmas with some of the money.

Then spend it sensibly.

Life is too short for bad jewelry.

 

[VRBeauty]

Since it's beautiful and your style, and obviously picked out with great care specifically to be special with you... and you had offered your help in the past but the giver decided not to use it... and she apparently decided that it was more important to surprise you than to save money...

I think I'd suck it up an find a way to love the piece because of its provenance and in spite of its imperfection.

It kind of reminds me of the saying - maybe it was a book? - would you rather be happy or right? In this case, I wouldn't risk hurting someone who apparently cares a great deal about you, in order to be "right." I know you're also concerned about your giver being fleeced, but I think in this case the more loving thing to do is to accept it and wear it.

 

[missy]

For me it depends on my relationship with the gifter. If it is someone I am very close with I would simply and gently tell them the truth. That I just love the thoughtfulness and love that went into picking out the gift but that the quality of the diamonds are just not worth the price of the piece and could you return it shop for another piece together. And again, this is totally dependent on your relationship. For example if it was my mom who gave it to me I would 100% feel comfortable about being honest and then returning it with her and picking out another piece that I truly loved in all ways. If it was my MIL not so much (but then again, my MIL would never buy me anything that meaningful).

If there is a chance you would hurt that person's feelings I wouldn't do it though. But for the people I am truly close with they would want me to be over the moon with the gift and would want me to tell them if it wasn't something I would love and enjoy. As I would want them to tell me if they wouldn't love and enjoy what I bought them. I am speaking about pricier gifts now. We all work hard for our money and I would hate to see it go to waste.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[marymm]

Would you wear it as is? Or is the diamond quality that bad it would bug you too much?

I think if you love it enough to be able to wear it then maybe it's best just to let it be? The gift giver obviously didn't have a problem spending that much on you so maybe you shouldn't either, but if the quality of the diamonds would stop you from wearing it and it will only sit in your jewelry box never to see the light of day unless the gift giver is around and you can return it, maybe you should, otherwise it really would be a waste.

It's a tough decision, ESP if you want to stop these types of gifts happening again. By not saying anything you are basically giving them the green light to not include you in any decisions on future purchases and they will think you are happy with that.

I agree with this completely.

I am also guessing that if you chose to return it yourself (without going through the purchaser/giver) the department store would likely only give you store credit?

I know other people would say, accept it with grace, store it in your jewelry box, and put it on when you see the giver. And they are not wrong - for them. But if it were me, and we'd previously had a specific conversation about this exact type of purchase/gift and the giver chose to ignore it, and it was something unwearable to me, I'd be inclined to let the giver know that you appreciate his/her generosity but that you will be returning it. But I am *that* way.

 

[LookintheMouth]

Right now I think it's a "live in the jewelry box unappreciated" piece, but that could be knee-jerk. I think I need to soul search on that a little more. Sigh.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I agree with Missy on this. I would sit down with them, take their hands and tell them how much you appreciate their gift, and you know they only want to make you happy. While the style of the piece is just what you would have wanted, you, being a diamond buff, feel the diamonds are such poor quality that you would like to exchange them and buy something else.


Ok, I';m thinking. When you arrange this meeting let them know ahead of time that you want to tell them something about the diamonds in the gift. That way they may be prepared for some bad news. You say you examined the diamonds and found the quality was so poor you just had to say something. The piece may not be worth what they paid. You would like their permission to take it back . They'll blame the store, not you. Tell them it makes you so sad, and nervous to tell them this, but you wanted to let them know.

I have done this before. I have have actually told the person that I wouldn't wear it, and would only if they were coming over, and I know that was not what she wanted. She was a friend. Whats the point. Should I be forever having to wear something I never would wear. I decided to be honest. It was no problem at all. I see your problem being if they can't exchange it.

I'm sure these are people you love, and people who love you. I think they will understand if you explain it properly. Would you keep a broken toaster?

Good Luck.

Annette

 

[Enerchi]

Hi,

I agree with Missy on this. I would sit down with them, take their hands and tell them how much you appreciate their gift, and you know they only want to make you happy. While the style of the piece is just what you would have wanted, you, being a diamond buff, feel the diamonds are such poor quality that you would like to exchange them and buy something else.


Ok, I';m thinking. When you arrange this meeting let them know ahead of time that you want to tell them something about the diamonds in the gift. That way they may be prepared for some bad news. You say you examined the diamonds and found the quality was so poor you just had to say something. The piece may not be worth what they paid. You would like their permission to take it back . They'll blame the store, not you. Tell them it makes you so sad, and nervous to tell them this, but you wanted to let them know.

I have done this before. I have have actually told the person that I wouldn't wear it, and would only if they were coming over, and I know that was not what she wanted. She was a friend. Whats the point. Should I be forever having to wear something I never would wear. I decided to be honest. It was no problem at all. I see your problem being if they can't exchange it.

I'm sure these are people you love, and people who love you. I think they will understand if you explain it properly. Would you keep a broken toaster?

Good Luck.

Annette

PERFECT! That's what I was trying to get at, but you've said it soooooo much better, Annette!!! This prepares them for a discussion and it is so tender and loving, how could they not want you to be happy???? Oh - this is just perfect, in my mind, because you can take the focus off of you/them and put it on the diamonds and the store.
Good luck!

 

[movie zombie]

you did sit down and show this person pictures of what you liked. unfortunately, i'm guessing the pictures did not also include a description of the diamonds. if the objection is the quality of the diamonds, why not include in our talk with this person that poor diamonds = having not gotten $'s worth and that this is disturbing for such a magnificent gift. perhaps some education is in order right then and there, comparison with your finer diamonds and/or literature. also, perhaps have pictures with descriptions of pricescope vendor info so that the person can see what you're talking about and why its important to include you in at all phases, unless of course, that person wants to open an account with a pricescope vendor and always consult with that person prior to make purchases for you!

i think the person may upset a bit but i also think that if you let this go the next gift will continue down this path with $ being sent on inferior diamonds. that person needs to know that you feel "bratty" but that you ultimate concern is that s/he did not get what she paid for and that you did not get what you wanted.

the more love and gratitute you can put into your talk the better. good luck!

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I'd be careful. I don't think the giver would like to be told his/her gift isn't good enough.

 

[rainydaze]

i think a good start is to put yourself in the giver's shoes. clearly she put love and thought into this purchase for you. anytime i have put such thought, care and love into a gift, there is great joy for me in the giving. there is an emotional attachment to the act of giving the gift *for me*. therefore, if someone were to point out flaws with my gift, it would sting/hurt, and i would probably also feel embarrassed.

if there's a chance your giver might feel the same, enjoy the gift for the joy with which it was given to you and move forward. since it sounds like she's likely going to gift you more diamonds in the future, focus on educating her so that her future purchases are not rip-offs. maybe one day she'll make the connection that this particular gift was not worth what she paid, but without the risk of being in her face and hurtful. of course, then she might say 'why didn't you tell me xx gift was such poor quality! i wasted all the money, and you could have had something wonderful.'

it all comes down to her personality and your relationship. if you are close enough for her to give you such an amazing, generous gift, you must know her well enough to know what the right thing to do is.

 

[rosetta]

I was given a lot of jewellery for my wedding, most of it not my style and a lot of it from people who can't even afford to buy themselves ANY jewellery at all. It's part of my culture to give jewellery, so people will scrap together as much money as they can even if it's half a gram of gold.

I'm afraid I've sold the lot and bought myself pearls and a lovely pair of pearl and diamond earrings. They may not be PS quality but they are much more my style, and so I will wear them. I don't want their hard earned money to go to waste and I know I will think every one of them when I wear the jewels. I hope one day I can reciprocate in kind.

For truly close family members (read: in-laws!) I wouldnt dream of exchanging a thing! Luckily, they bought me beautiful diamonds that I picked myself (although the only option was from a B&M store) but even they were complete cr*p I think it would not be very clever to get rid of jewellery with such sentiment and significance. I would be keen to maintain a good relationship with them and not risk any potential offence. I'm telling you, iLander would be over the moon to have me as a DIL lol!

So yeah, for me, it really depends on WHO the jewellery is from, not the type.

 

[kenny]

I'd keep it if I liked it, and return it if I didn't.
Simple, obvious.

Why this thread?

 

[zoebartlett]

Since it's beautiful and your style, and obviously picked out with great care specifically to be special with you... and you had offered your help in the past but the giver decided not to use it... and she apparently decided that it was more important to surprise you than to save money...

I think I'd suck it up an find a way to love the piece because of its provenance and in spite of its imperfection.

It kind of reminds me of the saying - maybe it was a book? - would you rather be happy or right? In this case, I wouldn't risk hurting someone who apparently cares a great deal about you, in order to be "right." I know you're also concerned about your giver being fleeced, but I think in this case the more loving thing to do is to accept it and wear it.

Dr. Phil? It sounds like something he'd say.

I agree with VR. If I was in the same situation, I'd feel really uncomfortable going back to this person to ask to return it.

 

[zoebartlett]

Kenny, feelings are involved and not everything's black and white. I get that that's how your mind works but not everyone's does.

 

[TravelingGal]

I'd keep it if I liked it, and return it if I didn't.
Simple, obvious.

Why this thread?

Because people vary, silly. Why do you start the threads you do? Is it "obvious" because YOU say so? How narrow minded of you, Mr. People Vary.

 

[Chloegal]

I dont think there is a way to explain what is wrong with the gift that wouldn`t leave a sour taste in the giver`s mouth about the surprise gift. I would imagine that the giver would put on a brave understanding face, but not be in a rush to buy another jewellery gift maybe ever again.

If the giver doesn`t want to involve you as an advisor to the gift and they think your tastes are hard to please, I think they would put future gifts in the too hard basket!

I would just thank the giver to pieces and not over analyse the piece. PS can play with your mind and sometimes people get carried away with details that are not really here or there in the scheme of things.

If the piece is sparkly and white then just enjoy it and perhaps aim to educate the giver for the NEXT pressie on what you like!

 

[Putterthere]

I think telling the giver the gift isnt good enough will result in you never receiving gifts from him/her ever again. Even if you sugar coat it while explaining it. To be brutally honest I think you are being ungrateful and spoiled. It was a gift from the heart, wear it and enjoy it for what it is not for what you think it should be!