What's up with ladies choosing their engagement rings?

[iota15]

Umm,read up on history. In the first part of the 20th century, women did all of these things, including run for President.
No offense, but I do wonder why it is that so many women think that women's lives were completely narrow and restricted before 1970's feminism. Most women nowadays would not last a day handling all the responsibilities that their grandmothers and great-grandmothers, sometimes at home and sometimes out of the house. We need to respect these forbears a bit more.

Also, the engagement ring tradition never had anything to do with 'a promise from the male to the female that she'll never have to worry her pretty little head about the big bad world." It actually started to really become widespread force in the period of the 1920's when a lot of women moved away from the father's house before they got married and didn't live in the old communities anymore where social pressure (everyone knew everyone else) made sure that a man could not trash them and get away scot free. In the old days, fathers, brothers and neighbors would take care of such a guy. In the world of the 20's, the working woman living in the cities got a ring so that she had SOMETHING valuable that could be turned into cash her fiance (who now was probably someone she hadn't known all her life) turned out to be a bigamist, or a deadbeat or just not serious. OR, for if they actually got married and he would not/could not support her once there were children. The people of the time faced the fact that women get pregnant and that's its rather hard to work to support a family in the third trimester, even if its not a problem pregnancy. Also that its hard to work with little children. there were social services (pre-Franklin Roosevelt) and this tradition was meant to help the woman, not to be oppressive.

Rings back then weren't in all the different styles there are now (they weren't even when I got married in 1983), so choosing was not the super important thing it has become now that rings are (to be honest) very commercialized, with ads directed to women way before they get married, subject to changes of fashion that are really quick, and also seen as status symbols as well as symbols of love and commitement. So women didn't have a lot of investment in picking an exact ring out for themselves. A lot of women like to do this now. Other women still don't. Women on this board are likely to want to be choosers and even (sometimes) partial payers, which I don't have a problem with (my fiance took me along with him to choose mine, because he wanted to be sure I was satisfied, because I'm a jewelry person).

I think what the OP found strange is that, having chosen the ring, seen the ring and maybe even paid for the ring, there is this elaborate pretense that it's a surprise, when actually its lying in a box in a drawer of the house where the woman lives with the man already (and has usually for years). But I think he doesn't understand this because he is a man. Whatever you think of modern mores (that's not the subject of this post), women are still women and they want romance surrounding their wedding and for everything to seem new and fresh, probably especially if it isn't. I would think that if you had picked out the ring, the 'surprise' proposal that was very romantic in the place chosen and the way he did it proposal would be especially important because you would want the man to show he cared by taking the some trouble about SOMETHING. Isn't that the definition of romance after all? For the guy to do something that gets him up off the couch which causes him trouble and expense just for you, just because you WANT it? Whether it's killing an actual dragon, facing a scary father to ask for his daughter's hand (as used to done), or arranging a trip to Venice with rose petals falling into a gondola to make it special that he's giving you the ring that you picked?

Wow. Brava, Black Jade!

I've never put romance in those terms (bolded above) but I sure will now.

 

[CaprineSun]

I have struggled with this issue.

My SO wants to keep tradition & completely surprise me with a proposal & the engagement ring. But, as I learned more on PS & started seeing settings I absolutely loved, I knew I had to have some role in it.

SO is sooooo not into diamonds, jewelry, settings etc. He would get a poor diamond for the money or spend THOUSANDS more to get what I really want (i.e. ripped off). I had to beg him to go ring shopping last time. We have been together 6 yrs & have only gone ring shopping TWICE. The 1st time was 4 yrs ago and the 2nd (& probably last time) was last month. The details simply bore him & he thinks money could be spent much much better elsewhere. BUT he loves me & knows how much it means to me.

I tried emailing him diamond education things, sent the link to this website, talked his ear off. He tried learning some things (he actually has a good grasp of the 4C's now), but he finally said for me to just pick the setting I want because it all makes his head hurt. LOL. AND if he's going to spend all this $$$, he wants me to like it. And pleasing me is the most important thing. Plus, he loves it because it's saving him from doing all the homework & he knows he will get the best bang for his buck. LOL.

BUT he still wants to buy the diamond & buy the custom setting completely without my knowledge. He wants to keep that tradition. As a matter of fact, so do I! I struggle with wanting the perfect ring while still being completely surprised about when he buys it, when it arrives, & when he is going to propose. I differ with some women in that I actually have always dreamed of a surprise engagement/proposal.

I'm just afraid that by micromanaging so much, I may very well find out when he buys the stone or when the ring is complete & mar the romantic experience we have both dreamed of.

One way I'm trying to circumvent this issue is by picking out criteria for my perfect diamond, my dream setting, pick the online vendor along with very detailed instructions on what I want & sending it all to him in a word document. I'm doing this about a yr before I expect a proposal. Then I will put everything out of sight & out of mind. This will allow him to enjoy the planning & sneaking, and dreaming of romantic ways to sweep me off my feet. And give me the peace of mind & anticipation that when he finally drops on one knee, my dream ring will be in the box!

What do you all think?

 

[Gypsy]

Twinkle, it would never work for me. I'd go nutz in that year knowing it might be there and I could be wearing it. Wanting to make sure everything is as specified within the return period. Every time the price of diamonds or metal went up I'd be wondering if he had bought it yet. And I'd be worrying I would find something I like better in that year. And I would not forget anything... give me ten years and I'll remember what I ordered when it something that important.

If it would work for you, then go for it.

I don't know why you can just have him place the order and plan a proposal within the return period. And within a couple of months. The event will still be a surprise when it happens and how it happens.

 

[suchende]

Twinkle, I think anytime you throw around words like "perfect" and "dream [object]" you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Say, theoretically, you told your intended to get a VS2 to be sure it will be "perfectly eye clean" and then you're able to spot a carbon fleck with your naked eye (like I can with my mother's GIA VS2)? Or one of the other million things that can go wrong with a ring, does go wrong? Especially things that might get lost in translation in the game of telephone between you, your fiance and the jeweler? If you're going to be so invested in this one thing, I'd hate for the moment of proposal to be the moment you realize your painstaking vision hasn't been realized.

 

[CaprineSun]

Gypsy, He has hinted to me that he won't be buying the diamond & setting until after he graduates school, which is near the end of this year. So I'm banking (or risking lol) on that fact. I totally see what you're saying though. I found an awesome stone & sent the link to him. We didn't discuss if he was going to buy it or not. And I wonder did he just miss a good opportunity?


suchende, You are right. Being such a control freak & being so picky, a huge fear of mine is certainly being disappointed about something with the ring/diamond. It freaks me out at times, but I'm trying to view it as sacrificing some control & some "perfection" to allow him that chance to surprise me. And if I don't like it, boy will it ever be a surprise!
That's why feel like I will ending up finding out anyway. He is so paranoid of messing this up and things not coming right I can totally envision him trying to "consult" me for my opinion on the sly, me realizing what's happening, & then taking over & doing it myself.
Thanks for pointing it out. I need to try not to expect perfection, especially with the route I'm taking.

 

[suchende]

I'd say it's a pretty common thing on PS, to get so wrapped up in the e-ring being absolutely perfect and everything you ever dreamed of in one piece of jewelry. I personally think it's a lot healthier to remember that it's just one ring, it can't be everything at the same time, and to possibly work on a right hand ring or other little baubles (that you buy yourself; you get to have all the control, from budget on up) that can include all the things you see and like (milgrain, surprise diamond, delicate, thick, modern, vintage, colored stones, warmer diamonds, whatever) to relieve some of the pressure from that poor little e-ring. just my 2¢.

 

[suchende]

As a multi-year PSer with a healthy interest in jewelry and several diamonds I've bought myself... I do want it to be a surprise and something my BF picks out on his own. It's his money and I don't want to micro-manage how his chooses a gift he's buying me. He would never do the reverse. He does know what I gravitate towards, bc those are the things I buy myself. But, if it's not exactly what I'd choose for myself, it will grow on me.

As for the engagement itself being a surprise, I was engaged once for a week a few years ago, because I was asked and didn't know how to say "no." If I were a guy, I would not want it to be a total shock to my intended.

So tonight we were out to dinner with friends, and the BF said he absolutely would have me pick out my own ring, because he can't be bothered with learning about diamonds when I already know so much. I said I'd rather he picked it out on his own and he said he'll be proposing with his AmEx because he'd never be able to pick something out for me I'd like as much as something I picked out for myself. So there you have it; it's not necessarily women instigating this trend.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Like any mature couple, we talked about the engagement and knew we planned to marry. But DH wanted to pick the ring himself, at least to a degree. And so I decided what I thought wanted based on internet photos alone, and gave him some pictures with ideas and left it at that (maybe one step more than a subtle hint I guess ).

The proposal was a surprise in terms of its timing and was very romantic. But you know what? I was disappointed by the ring. It was not what I imagined. And that feeling of disappointment does slightly color my memory of our engagement.

So I wish we had gone shopping together and *tried rings on* together. I wish I has picked the setting and made an informed choice so that when my husband poured his heart out to me and we had our moment of formal commitment to marry, I could have enjoyed it wholeheartedly instead of feeling a twinge of disappointment.

 

[Dreamer_D]

*twinkle* read my post above Even the best laid plans can go awry when you are "particular". I think that this is just one of the first shared decisions that you need to negotiate as a couple and reach a solution you are both happy with. I am not sure your compromise is that good a solution, since I think it is risky given your preferences and personality. A better solution would be to ask him to propose with a loose diamond and then pick a setting together, or ask him to buy a temp setting. If he is not happy with that, I would personally wonder why he wants so much control in this issue when he does not care about diamonds and you do (rhetorical question, no need to give his reasons which presumably you have discussed, decide for yourself if they are enough to outweigh your desires).

 

[monarch64]

SO insisted that he wanted to surprise me with an e-ring he had specifically put together as far as sourcing a stone, finding a local jeweler, and deciding on a suitable setting for said stone himself. I was totally fine with it (I guess I'm not a typical PS'r after all)! I looked at it this way: the engagement ring was a gift to me from him, a symbol of his commitment to me and a promise that we would make the leap into spending the rest of our lives together. He already knew diamonds/gemstones/metals/jewelry, and he knew that I had plenty of knowledge myself, so I really trusted him to propose with something acceptable to both of us. Do I LOVE my e-ring wholeheartedly? Yes and no. I love the center stone and most of the setting, but there are a couple of things I would change. Whatever. We'll deal with it someday if I ever really feel like it's that big of a deal. Until then, bigger fish to fry in life and I'm happy enough with my ring. The good news is that I'm ECSTATIC about my relationship and have never been happier or more in love. *shrugs* I receive compliments on my ring almost every day and sometimes that makes me wonder if the flaws I perceive are irrational due to being spoiled by PS for the past several (almost 6!) years...

At any rate, ditto others who said different strokes for different folks. Just do what seems right for you and don't worry about what anyone else thinks!

 

[CaprineSun]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I did NOT want my e-ring to be a surprise. It will probably be the most important and most expensive piece of jewelry I will ever own. Also, my DH would have NEVER picked out my dream setting. NEVER. It would be unfair for me to pretend he could. In reality my MIL probably would have chosen a ring for me *she* loved. We have very different taste. So does it take the fun out? Not at all. I have the setting I wanted. I told DH several diamond shapes I liked. He chose the center stone. He picked up the ring and hid it until he proposed. All I knew was what the setting looked like and what diamond shape I was most likely going to get.

 

[resident]

This has been an interesting thread to read. In my case it has almost been the complete oposite! I (male) haven't proposed yet, but I am choosing everything myself. This is obviously different to the trend here but I think it is more fun this way and in fact, my girlfriend has often expressed disappointment when she hears that one of her friends chose their own ring.

In our relationship, I'm the one that researches everything I buy first (I am a research engineer :p). I know more about diamonds than my girlfriend could be bothered learning (her words, and that was just after buying her some earrings a year or so ago). To me, it feels like (and I think it was mentioned here) that the point of a proposal is the question, and it wouldn't be a question if there wasn't a essence of risk. Obviously, you want to mitigate that as much as possible and shouldn't be proposing if your aren't 99.9% sure the answer will be yes, but there needs to be some risk (maybe just now isn't the right time - too young etc).

Also, I have worked hard to push the thought into my girlfriends head that I'm lazy when it comes to this stuff and that I haven't really thought about it. It is great when we are both on our laptops oposite each other, and I'm on PS or something (exactly like right now) and she assumes I'm just browsing "nerd" sites (and makes fun of me for all the time I spend on reddit etc... if only she knew!), or she comes home from going out to brunch and I'm still in my pyjamas, just lounging on the couch watching TV (of course I only sat down when I heard her car coming up the driveway and had spent the whole time photoshopping together elements of the perfect ring).

I'm pretty sure (again, risk) that when I propose to her in the next month (when the ring arrives) that she will say yes and it will be a surprise, but the risk is the fun! I also think that if I am at the stage of wanting to marry her, that I should know her enough to know all her tastes and what kind of ring she would like.

Of course, each to their own.

 

[suchende]

Resident, you're why I tell all my friends to date engineers

 

[Black Jade]

Like any mature couple, we talked about the engagement and knew we planned to marry. But DH wanted to pick the ring himself, at least to a degree. And so I decided what I thought wanted based on internet photos alone, and gave him some pictures with ideas and left it at that (maybe one step more than a subtle hint I guess ).

The proposal was a surprise in terms of its timing and was very romantic. But you know what? I was disappointed by the ring. It was not what I imagined. And that feeling of disappointment does slightly color my memory of our engagement.

So I wish we had gone shopping together and *tried rings on* together. I wish I has picked the setting and made an informed choice so that when my husband poured his heart out to me and we had our moment of formal commitment to marry, I could have enjoyed it wholeheartedly instead of feeling a twinge of disappointment.

I can SO see this happening to me. That's why I 'm so glad my husband proposed first and then let me pick out the ring. He's an engineer by the way and probably figured it was a more optimal use of his time to 'delegate' like this, and that he would be more sure of a successful result.

But a lot of women would not like this. My mother is always snagging me (in a friendly way) as to me picking out my own stuff. She always mentions that my father picked out all of her jewelry. However, she forgets that other than her engagement ring, which she loved, she HATED everything else he picked out. She had this huge collection of 40 years gifts when he died that we didn't even know she had, because it was never worn, that she divvied up immediately among all of us--and want out to buy stuff that she actually wears now.

What's funny is that the stuff my dad bought would actually look really nice on her, is well thought out and beautiful and when made and unusual. The stuff she picks for herself does not suit her as well. Isn't life strange.

 

[charlottejw]

Interesting thread - So I have a slightly different take on this than most. I am on the other side (guy) and will be proposing within a week. It was really important to me that it be a surprise (cant fully describe why it is important to me but I would have felt very let down to take her to a store to shop together and then "surprise" her with the ring in a month or so).

I was given very little guidance because I didnt want to ask too many questions and give up the surprise so I compromised and picked out a Princess cut (her favorite) and had it set in a simple 14k solitaire setting for presentation with the understanding that we will design/pick out the band style together.

I chose a store that had a full return policy with a great upgrade policy to make sure that if she really likes AVC's or POH's but didnt know about them until she did more research then we can swap the main stone while we get the new setting. It felt like the best of both worlds to me.

btw I ended up with a Signature Princess from GOG 2.07 F VS2, those guys were great!

 

[slg47]

Interesting thread - So I have a slightly different take on this than most. I am on the other side (guy) and will be proposing within a week. It was really important to me that it be a surprise (cant fully describe why it is important to me but I would have felt very let down to take her to a store to shop together and then "surprise" her with the ring in a month or so).

I was given very little guidance because I didnt want to ask too many questions and give up the surprise so I compromised and picked out a Princess cut (her favorite) and had it set in a simple 14k solitaire setting for presentation with the understanding that we will design/pick out the band style together.

I chose a store that had a full return policy with a great upgrade policy to make sure that if she really likes AVC's or POH's but didnt know about them until she did more research then we can swap the main stone while we get the new setting. It felt like the best of both worlds to me.

btw I ended up with a Signature Princess from GOG 2.07 F VS2, those guys were great!

it sounds beautiful...please post pics!!!

 

[Astra]

My husband surprised me with an engagement ring... he knew I love tanzanites so he got me a tanzanite ring with diamonds... well, let's just say I'm not wearing it... design is definitely not something I would choose for myself...

 

[Dreamer_D]

To the men who just posted who did it on their own, most likely you are fine! In my real life, the majority of women don't give a hootenanny about jewelry. And most women wear a simple solitaire anyways and are happy with it, so there is not much in the choice that can go "wrong" in most cases.

I would only encourage those men who want to go totally solo to try to fogire out before hand if their gf cares at all about the style of ring, and if she does care, perhaps not opt for the surprise. If she is not particular about it -- like most women -- then surprise away! But be open to the possibility that your intended might not like the style, and don't take it personally. Graciously suggesting at some point after the proposal that you would not mind an exchange of styles (and proposing within a window where this is possible for her) would always go over well with any women. That is the best of both worlds for sure.

 

[yiska]

Twinkle: That is exactly what I did actually! I sent my BF a word document of exactly what I wanted (he did ask me to do this because he knows how particular I am and how much more I know about diamonds etc). I'm not engaged though so I have no information how it will turn out! However, I feel a lot happier that we did it this way and because it's just an email, you can sort of pretend you never sent it and try (try try try) and stay calm!

 

[LynzeeLeigh]

I think it takes the fun out of it...BUT that's what I'm doing. Though, I have to admit, he did propose to me beforehand and he did use a ring that belonged to his mom so he at least had something with him. I like to be in control of things and I'm really picky so I see why he wanted me to just choose my own. I've been looking for a while though and I realize it's hard when it's completely my decision. So I told him I'm just going to give him some general guidelines since I know more about diamonds than he does and let him choose the specific diamond so I don't know when I'm actually going to get it. I'll be happier with that decision and then I know the characteristics he picks are what was most important to him and what he wanted me to have.