What's up with ladies choosing their engagement rings?

[Selkie]

Perhaps this "tradition" of the surprise ring/proposal made more sense when there were fewer setting styles and diamond options out there (my mother's generation seems to have relatively simple 4 or 6 prong solitaires with a .25 to.5ct RB diamond). But now, when you look at the sheer number of permutations available for engagement rings (including *GASP* colored stones), how can you possibly hope to randomly choose the ring that is going to suit her tastes and personality? Either it's a moot point because the man is bound and determined to choose on his own with no input, or she has to be involved, even if it's only by dropping hints and hoping they are picked up on. Every couple is different, and they place different emphasis on what is most important to them in the process. Yes, sometimes it CAN go too far, as you can see in the example of one poor guy who was so restricted by what (he perceived) his fiance wanted in a proposal that he seemed completely paralyzed. Other couples see collaborating on the ring design as a wonderful, and yes, SENTIMENTAL time in the relationship.

 

[shihtzulover]

This is such a tough subject, because I can understand the argument both ways. I think that the idea of a surprise proposal is very romantic, but I'm just not sure how practical it is these days. Also, as others have already said, the ring portion also depends a lot upon whether or not the woman is picky about her jewelry.

Several months before we became engaged, my fiance and I started talking about marriage. I mentioned that I definitely wanted a princess cut diamond, since they are my favorite. I even showed him a picture of the three-stone princess cut Tacori setting that I thought I wanted, and I was going to let him go from there. At the time, I really didn't know much about diamond quality at all, so I had no problem with letting him make the decisions.

He went around to a few different jewelry stores (he tried to keep it a secret from me at first, but he couldn't), and he decided to bring me in to check my ring size, and also just to make sure that I truly liked the Tacori setting in person. I'm really glad that he brought me in, because we were both surprised to find that I didn't love the Tacori setting as much in person, and that I actually prefer the classic solitaire look.

After that, I became really involved in the process, and we went to several different stores together. I learned a ton about the four 'C's. He had done a ton of research, too, but my knowledge even began to surpass his. Honestly, when I found Pricescope, I really didn't know all that much about diamonds, and they weren't a major interest of mine before.

My fiance (then boyfriend) and I ended up picking our exact stone and setting together, although I didn't see the finished product until his official proposal. I was very happy with the ring, and I'm glad that we did it the way that we did - after all, like he even said, if we are going to put that much money into it, we'd better be sure that it's something that I truly love.

We only got engaged a few months ago, but my fiance recently got a new job, and we decided that now would be the best time to upgrade to a larger stone (especially with the projected price increases that are apparently going to take place in the near future). We went to the jewelry store several times, and we were surprised to see that most of the people looking at engagement rings were couples. Sure, we saw a few guys shopping solo, but the vast majority were couples. I think that might be more of a trend in the city where we went to shop though, because in my hometown, it seems like most proposals are complete surprises and that the guys usually pick the rings.

If you really think that she isn't picky about the diamond and setting, and if you think that she would love the surprise, then maybe that's the way to go. Otherwise, it might be better for you guys to pick it out together. Every couple is different, and I don't think that one way is necessarily better than the other

 

[movie zombie]

and then there are a few of us that decided we wanted an e-ring AFTER already getting married:

me, you know, honey, i really would have liked an e-ring.
him, well, let's get you one then.

no wonder i married him!!!!!

MoZo

 

[Clairitek]

Dunno if "trend" is the right word for it. Many women are getting married *later* ... and have more distinct personal styles kinda established ... and want their most expensive piece of jewelry to reflect their tastes. Seems to me that engagements are rarely ever a true "surprise" anymore. (Which always kinda reminded me of a caveman clonking a lady over the head & dragging her to a cave.) I mean, should a huge life decision like that be made in a few seconds? And if you've discussed marriage as a couple, then why not collaborate on a ring?

I'm not one of those who minds contributing to the ring if its a collaborative effort. Just not sentimental that way. Practicality wins out. Its an expensive purchase. You wear it everyday. Why WOULDN't you want to like the aesthetics of it as well as the sentiment?

If your lady was going to purchase a sports car for you that you'd drive every day for the rest of your life .... would you want her to "surprise" you with it ... no input from you?

That's my take on things .... you know your gal better than I do ... so I'm sure you'll be able to predict whether she'd appreciate a total surprise or whether she'd want to be involved. Congrats!

Dito Deco

Ditto Deco indeed. And Princesss, Thing2, TGal, Kama and others.

If you DO want input from your girlfriend without relinquishing control of the actual ring choosing and construction why don't you go casually browsing one day at a store just to get an idea of what she likes. Some women are vehemently opposed to certain shapes on their hands. For me, it was a princess cut. They look terrible, IMO, on me. Softer shapes like rounds or a cushion (what I have) were much better. So that was the extent of my input- round or cushion. Oh yeah and I asked for eye clean and nothing lower than a J color. Was I a bad girlfriend in taking too much surprise out of it? No. My husband still very much surprised me with both the proposal AND the ring itself. I didn't even know he had a ring in his posession! For all I knew we had just gone the one time with me to the jeweler and he never went back. He certainly got to have his fun of shopping for a stone and designing a setting without me micromanaging him.

 

[RissaLou]

For me, I did pick out my ring, but my DH had proposed first. He proposed at the right time to make it really sweet and personal but at the time he did not have the funds for a ring. Three years later we were living together and sharing income and went through the ring process together. So I do think it depends on the couple. No matter what I love my husband and would want to end up with him, but if our situation was different it would have been nice if he had picked out the ring himself and had it for the proposal.

 

[Haven]

Romantic, to me, is when you consider your partner and what she truly desires, and you behave accordingly.

I found it utterly romantic when my then-boyfriend came to me, exasperated, jewelry brochures falling from his arms, and told me that he needed my help in choosing my engagement ring. He *knew* that he needed my input if he was going to find the right ring, and so he sought it.

"Romantic" is subjective. It depends entirely on the person you are trying to romance. Roses and chocolates don't make me swoon, but an unexpected handwritten note with a sincere expression scribbled on it is enough to make my knees go weak.

I imagine that, for many of the women on this board, a surprise engagement ring would signal that our men don't really understand us--we love diamonds. We are particular about settings. We are not your average jewelry consumer, and we sure as h*ll don't want to miss out on a jewelry project!

 

[iheartscience]

Romantic, to me, is when you consider your partner and what she truly desires, and you behave accordingly.

I found it utterly romantic when my then-boyfriend came to me, exasperated, jewelry brochures falling from his arms, and told me that he needed my help in choosing my engagement ring. He *knew* that he needed my input if he was going to find the right ring, and so he sought it.

"Romantic" is subjective. It depends entirely on the person you are trying to romance. Roses and chocolates don't make me swoon, but an unexpected handwritten note with a sincere expression scribbled on it is enough to make my knees go weak.

I imagine that, for many of the women on this board, a surprise engagement ring would signal that our men don't really understand us--we love diamonds. We are particular about settings. We are not your average jewelry consumer, and we sure as h*ll don't want to miss out on a jewelry project!

Agreed, especially the bolded portion. I've said exactly the same thing to (most likely jealous) people before when they said me picking out my ring wasn't "romantic." To me, there is nothing more romantic than my now-husband wanting to get me exactly what I want. He knows me, he knows my obsessive attention to detail, and once he thought about it he realized a surprise diamond engagement ring worth thousands of dollars wasn't the way to go.

The OP should worry less about the surprise and romance and more about what his girlfriend would actually want.

 

[swingirl]

What's up with guys thinking their "surprise" is more important than taking into account their girlfriends' tastes? That strikes me as extremely self-centered and controlling.

I personally prefer to have input in any large purchases that I'll be using for many, many years, if not my entire life.

This!

 

[E B]

JB-

Are you going to let your future wife choose your wedding ring? With absolutely no input from you?

 

[jsb1976]

Totally agree with mayerling -- especially the part I bolded. I was really perplexed when I read a post written by a woman who, a) picked out the ring; b) knew the date of its arrival; c) had set the date, decided on a venue, and even had the wedding invitations addressed and ready to be sent out; and, d) was waiting for her "proposal" which she knew was to happen "soon" because they agreed he wouldn't wait too long to "propose" after he received the ring. Whaaaaat????? I have to say, I always thought the proposal came before the wedding date was set, but I might just be old-fashioned!

Thank you.
Essentially the above is quote is what I have been trying to refer to.

 

[Allison D.]

Allow me to try and clarify things a bit.
I was not referring to showing up on someones doorstep out of the blue and popping the question. I was simply referring to the involvement overall of a girlfriend or soon to be fiance and an engagement ring and its design.
I agree, marriage and engagement should be discussed. It is a lifelong decision.

Maybe it is just me, but I feel the romance is gone if there is no surprise left to chance.

I can understand feeling that way if you think the proposal is just about the ring. For me, it's about so much more. The ring was only part of the proposal, and not the important part either. The most important part was being asked to marry him and the sweet way he did so. In fact, my husband proposed without the ring, and then we picked it together.

As most ladies have noted, though, most people have (hopefully!) discussed marriage long before the 'official' proposal, so for me, the surprise part of the proposal is about how/when the proposal happens. not the ring.

Don't make the mistake of thinking this change is just about women being picky, either. Many guys today are influenced by hearing their friends' stories, too. In our case, two of my husband's friends went the surprise route, only to be dismayed/hurt feelings that the rings don't get worn often. In addition to feeling hurt, there's a good bit of regret at spending that much money on someting that doesn't get appreciated.

 

[LadyBlue]

For me the ideal would be a surprise proposal. Obviously, after we had talk and talk and talk more that we want to be together for ever, and how our life would be if we were married. I would had love that he surprise me. But he wants me to have be part of it. Something that I really enjoy, but I would had rather it was a surprise.

Besides that, if she does not love it, you can return it or upgrade later on. So many pricecopers that choice their ring, are upgrading, or changing designs on ring because of a change of heart on the ring. So choosing a ring not necessary means you are not going to change you ring later on.

I'm already dreaming on my upgrade or change my band to a eternity of pink diamonds

 

[iota15]

We talked about getting married.

He didn't want to venture into the ring world without me, especially when he expected to be spending quite a bit of what would soon be Both of our monies.

We had a wonderful time looking and learning about diamonds together (although admittedly, I probably spent Way too much time doing both (thanks to PS) but, I immensely enjoy my time here with the girls).

We had the ring. I had a good idea of when it would be finished but I didn't know exactly when. I did get to play with it for a bit but then it was swiftly whisked out of my hands... and into a safety deposit box.

He planned the proposal, and the surprise/romantic part came in what he did, and what he said.


But personally, I think it was just as romantic and sweet that he spent all that time with me at jewelers and dealers, and picking, and nitpicking over this stone and that stone. He never complained - not even for a moment.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

More than you know, we all followed "tradition"--perhaps we just observe it in different ways. You have planned to buy a diamond ring. You plan on proposing with a ring. You plan on a formal engagement, etc, etc. Who didn't?? What and how other people manage those exact particulars (or in what order) makes it no less traditional.

Enjoy this wonderful time--and make it your own.

cheers--Sharon

 

[suchende]

For me the ideal would be a surprise proposal. Obviously, after we had talk and talk and talk more that we want to be together for ever, and how our life would be if we were married. I would had love that he surprise me. But he wants me to have be part of it. Something that I really enjoy, but I would had rather it was a surprise.

Besides that, if she does not love it, you can return it or upgrade later on. So many pricecopers that choice their ring, are upgrading, or changing designs on ring because of a change of heart on the ring. So choosing a ring not necessary means you are not going to change you ring later on.

I'm already dreaming on my upgrade or change my band to a eternity of pink diamonds

Right, so even involved women can end up wanting something different than the original ring... and plenty of PSers are already thinking of upgrades before the ring is on their finger.

 

[stci]

I'm really picky with my jewels and DH know this. He proposed without ring and it's a good thing cause my mother gave me her marvelous ring after proposing.

We decide to celebrate proposal with a good dinner with family and one month later the wedding occurred. Was so happy to have an heirloom piece and DH too. I think it's different for each couple.

You know... many couple bought a ring whether married or not in Quebec. Wedding has become very rare!

 

[Circe]

Totally agree with mayerling -- especially the part I bolded. I was really perplexed when I read a post written by a woman who, a) picked out the ring; b) knew the date of its arrival; c) had set the date, decided on a venue, and even had the wedding invitations addressed and ready to be sent out; and, d) was waiting for her "proposal" which she knew was to happen "soon" because they agreed he wouldn't wait too long to "propose" after he received the ring. Whaaaaat????? I have to say, I always thought the proposal came before the wedding date was set, but I might just be old-fashioned!

Thank you.
Essentially the above is quote is what I have been trying to refer to.

Well ... that part puzzles me, too, actually. I'm still a to-each-her-own type of gal, but I could never figure out how people reconciled the autonomy of being a participant in the engagement with the "Surprise!" proposal. But if it makes people happy, why judge, right? That said, I would love to hear people's experiences.

 

[Jennifer W]

Clearly the answer to all this is . . . the woman should pick out the diamond ring, but it is the man who should wear it.

I actually don't get why more men don't want engagement rings. Plenty men love diamonds!

 

[Laughinggravy0]

I think the couple researching and shopping together could be fun, if that suits them. But personally, although I think the pair need to be on the same wavelength about marriage, I think the proposal should involve a degree of uncertainty. For me the proposal is when one of the couple asks the other if they want to marry and 'no' might be a possible answer.

What I find a little strange is when the couple has a wedding page about to go on line, the ring is in the house and the invites are printed but the 'formality' of the proposal hasn't been gone through. Now 'poisonally' I think there should be a degree of risk, a frisson of will s/he, won't s/he. Otherwise its just a very handsome present. I dunno, I'd rather have the unexpected.

But then I wouldn't need to be proposed to with a ring. I'd be cool with nothing, a twisted champagne wire, or the diamond alone. But I'd want the chap to be a little nervous and not 100% sure he was safe, home and dry

Of course, that's just me - every one else's miles will definitely vary. Key thing is to make sure neither one or the other has to experience/wear something that makes them uncomfortable

 

[KittyGolightly]

do understand that every taste is different, and the idea of a diamond or setting may differ in opinon between two people, but that is what subtle hints are for.

I picked out my ring, as did the most of my friends. In fact, I can only think of one couple whose proposal was a complete surprise to the woman. (The look of absolute joy on her face after he popped the question is something I will never forget.) He did a beautiful job of picking out the ring, and it suited her perfectly.

In my case though, had I left a magazine on the coffee table stategically opened to the type of ring I wanted, I would have gotten a very, very different ring than what my finance ultimately gave me. I really didn't have an idea of what looked good on my hand until I shopped around (something I would never have done by myself). I thought I wanted something very ornate, maybe with a halo. Instead, what we both found looked best on me was a simple solitaire.

As others have mentioned here, romance is defined differently by every couple. Some women cherish their perfect proposal story. Others are thrilled that their husbands hunted for the exact style of ring that they had their heart set on. In short, do what will make you and your girlfriend happiest and don't worry about what other couples are (or aren't) doing.

Best of luck with your proposal!

 

[shihtzulover]

do understand that every taste is different, and the idea of a diamond or setting may differ in opinon between two people, but that is what subtle hints are for.

I picked out my ring, as did the most of my friends. In fact, I can only think of one couple whose proposal was a complete surprise to the woman. (The look of absolute joy on her face after he popped the question is something I will never forget.) He did a beautiful job of picking out the ring, and it suited her perfectly.

In my case though, had I left a magazine on the coffee table stategically opened to the type of ring I wanted, I would have gotten a very, very different ring than what my finance ultimately gave me. I really didn't have an idea of what looked good on my hand until I shopped around (something I would never have done by myself). I thought I wanted something very ornate, maybe with a halo. Instead, what we both found looked best on me was a simple solitaire.

As others have mentioned here, romance is defined differently by every couple. Some women cherish their perfect proposal story. Others are thrilled that their husbands hunted for the exact style of ring that they had their heart set on. In short, do what will make you and your girlfriend happiest and don't worry about what other couples are (or aren't) doing.

Best of luck with your proposal!

LOL - my fiance still thinks that I did this. I was reading my latest Cosmopolitan magazine, and I swear that I accidentally left it open to a Tacori ad. He still thinks that it was on purpose, and he still jokes and teases me about it - because at the time, I did want a Tacori setting.

We were the same way, though - I really had my eye on a specific Tacori, but when I saw it in person, I wasn't totally wowed. It turned out that I, just like you, also love the traditional solitaire look on me.

 

[mrswahs]

I do have a question along the same topic.

One of my closest friends went ring shopping with her Fiance in January of last year. He then proposed in October. 10 months later. I really don't understand this! I have no problem with ring shopping together, but why do it so far in advance?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

I think it's especially important that a couple do what's right for them because an eng ring is a VERY significant and meaningful piece of jewelry.

My husband came with me to pick out my eng stone but he just sat there (lol) while I looked at stones and decided. He's not into jewelry and we knew that it made more sense for me to figure out what I liked and choose the diamond. It was a good decision too b/c at the time I thought I wanted a princess cut and we bought one, but after a week, I realized that cut wasn't me and we went back and traded for a round brilliant. It could have been a disaster if he spent all his time and energy picking out a stone that I realized wasn't me and I had to keep to avoid hurting his feelings.

All my other jewelry purchases have been paid for by my DH but picked out by me. He'll give a budget and I'll take it from there!

I *do* think PS is different though in that many women here are extremely passionate about diamonds and research them like crazy. In real life, NONE of the women I know picked out their own eng rings!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

An engagement (meaning that it will happen, and not how) should never be a surprise.

An engagement ring will only be surprise if it's not to the wearers taste (i.e. ugly).

And no one wants a surprise like that.

hahaha no doubt! "Yeah, I'll marry you but not with that d*mn ring. Go find something better then come back and ask again!"

 

[bee*]

I adored going ring-shopping with my then bf. Trying on different rings when sipping champagne and spending hours talking about which ring we both loved was very romantic to me. He got to do his proposal and surprised me with a trip away so for us it was the perfect way to do it. To each their own though.

 

[Selkie]

Totally agree with mayerling -- especially the part I bolded. I was really perplexed when I read a post written by a woman who, a) picked out the ring; b) knew the date of its arrival; c) had set the date, decided on a venue, and even had the wedding invitations addressed and ready to be sent out; and, d) was waiting for her "proposal" which she knew was to happen "soon" because they agreed he wouldn't wait too long to "propose" after he received the ring. Whaaaaat????? I have to say, I always thought the proposal came before the wedding date was set, but I might just be old-fashioned!

Thank you.
Essentially the above is quote is what I have been trying to refer to.

One extreme example does not equal a "trend."

 

[lbbaber]

Different strokes for different folks....I just picked out my e-ring 100%. The only thing he did was pay. It's not that he is not romantic....he shows his romance in many other ways (including letting me pick WHATEVER I wanted). He wants me to be happy. I am 34 yrs old, this is my 2nd marriage. I might of had a different answer when I was younger but at this point practicality wins---plus I get EXACTLY what I want. Someone said earlier...its not an object that makes my relationship strong--It's the intention behind it....and who are we to say what is "right" or "not right" for each individual couple?
Besides, i'm sorry if this comes off as cynical but 50% or more of these engagements will end in divorce anyways. When I hear that a man is INSISTING on controlling the engagement process---when, where, what, how much...I say RUN. It triggers red flags, reminds me of 'control freaks'. The whole idea of saying HE gets to (and is INSISTING ON) decide everything in this process seems demeaning. The woman sits back and waits for the man to 'choose' her---NO THANKS!! I should be involved in these important decisions (ALL OF THEM-INCLUDING WHAT RING) just as much as he is. I dont need to be CONTROLLED in order to hold on to some 'long-standing' idea of what romance is. It's 2011.
But, for those that have dreamed of the 'surprise' engagment and are happy...that's great too. Like I said, different strokes for different folks.

 

[HollyS]

This is the 21st century. Not the first half of the 20th. The 21st.

We drive.
We make our own money.
We own property.
We own businesses.
We vote.
We hold public office.
We run for President.

And WE decide if and when we marry, who we marry, and how we marry. And if we want to choose the bling, we will.

The ring in this century represents an understanding and commitment between two people. Not a promise from the male to the female that she'll never have to worry her pretty little head about the big bad world now that Mr. Proposal has chosen her for his very own.

 

[kenny]

This is the 21st century. Not the first half of the 20th. The 21st.

If a couple wants to embrace the ways of the first half of the 20th century - so be it.

You get your way.
They get theirs.
Both are equally perfect for the individuals.

 

[HollyS]

Kenny,

I was answering the orginal poster. Not answering based upon the collective thoughts of every other respondent. People ARE free to do exactly what pleases them. But the original poster has a particular viewpoint of 'how things should be'. I merely pointed out, using hyperbole to be sure, that his viewpoint seems rather . . . narrow.