What's up with ladies choosing their engagement rings?

[jsb1976]

If I missed a post on this topic before, I apologize. The search function is not so user friendly.

So...
What's up with ladies choosing, knowing, receiving in the mail, their engagement ring before they are even engaged?
I'm at a lost.
Sort of seems like the sentimental value is taken out of a proposal if you; choose the diamond yourself, choose the setting yourself, tell your partner this is what you want, receive the package in the mail, see it everday in a drawer on a shelf, set a time and a place of where the proposal will take place etc...
I do understand that every taste is different, and the idea of a diamond or setting may differ in opinon between two people, but that is what subtle hints are for.
I am 34 years old, my girlfriend is 25. Am I being too old school having a ring made, as a surprise, without her having a constant hands on experience?
Or is the hands on process a new trend which simply flew completely over my head?
This is not a rant, but I read posts daily on the forum about how "My engagement ring arrived today, just waiting for him to propose". Is this the new "in" thing to do?
Thanks for your advice.
JB

 

[AprilBaby]

Kinda takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?

 

[kelpie]

Think about the demographic here. The ladies come here to talk about jewels because that's their hobby. They have developed refined and educated tastes. The accounts you read on pricescope are the exception...certainly not the latest thing. For ladies where jewelry doesn't currently play a role in their lives it's completely customary for the gentleman to select the ring by himself.

 

[kenny]

People vary.
It must be what some people want.
Also PSers can be very very very well-informed and don't want to leave his surprise up to chance.

 

[mayerling]

To each his/her own.

Personally, I don't see much point in a proposal (not really done where I'm from). I do see the point in the woman choosing what she wants, given that she'll be wearing it 24/7 for the rest of her life.

I do kind of think that if the woman is to be involved, there's no point in ordering the ring, having it around for ages, and then planning a 'proposal'. It would make more sense if the guy proposed and they then went to pick out the ring together.

 

[decodelighted]

Dunno if "trend" is the right word for it. Many women are getting married *later* ... and have more distinct personal styles kinda established ... and want their most expensive piece of jewelry to reflect their tastes. Seems to me that engagements are rarely ever a true "surprise" anymore. (Which always kinda reminded me of a caveman clonking a lady over the head & dragging her to a cave.) I mean, should a huge life decision like that be made in a few seconds? And if you've discussed marriage as a couple, then why not collaborate on a ring?

I'm not one of those who minds contributing to the ring if its a collaborative effort. Just not sentimental that way. Practicality wins out. Its an expensive purchase. You wear it everyday. Why WOULDN't you want to like the aesthetics of it as well as the sentiment?

If your lady was going to purchase a sports car for you that you'd drive every day for the rest of your life .... would you want her to "surprise" you with it ... no input from you?

That's my take on things .... you know your gal better than I do ... so I'm sure you'll be able to predict whether she'd appreciate a total surprise or whether she'd want to be involved. Congrats!

 

[princesss]

On the flip side, what's the fun of looking down and wearing a ring every day that you don't particularly love (or, for some women, even LIKE that much) because the person you're with valued the surprise more than really knowing your taste and what's important to you?


That said, this board is full of educated jewelry lovers. We delight in things like facet patterns and flour and can endlessly debate whether we prefer warmer or cooler colours (or if we like a mixture). The vaaaaaaaaaast majority of women getting engaged couldn't give a rat's patoot about any of that, and would love to be surprised. But some of us have very specific tastes and are very opinionated, and it would be very difficult for any SO to really knock it out of the park without at least some input from their jewelry-loving partner. So I definitely wouldn't think of PS as being evidence of a trend amonst most people who want to get engaged. (I mean, heck - my friend J and I went browsing at my favourite jewelry store and while I was talking enthusiastically with the saleswoman about antique diamonds, and the benefits of warmer colours, J's whole contribution to our discussion was "I love cushions because they're square but not pointy" - she'd be the prime candidate for a guy proposing the way you are, while I'm much more likely to just be frustrated if I don't get any input on my ring.)

 

[Novel]

Dunno if "trend" is the right word for it. Many women are getting married *later* ... and have more distinct personal styles kinda established ... and want their most expensive piece of jewelry to reflect their tastes. Seems to me that engagements are rarely ever a true "surprise" anymore. (Which always kinda reminded me of a caveman clonking a lady over the head & dragging her to a cave.) I mean, should a huge life decision like that be made in a few seconds? And if you've discussed marriage as a couple, then why not collaborate on a ring?

This. Plus, some people don't like or don't value surprises. I'm one of them. I don't think it shows any less thought that we're doing it together. Now I get to have memories of this time of us collaborating on my ring, and that is precious, too.

 

[violet3]

Dunno if "trend" is the right word for it. Many women are getting married *later* ... and have more distinct personal styles kinda established ... and want their most expensive piece of jewelry to reflect their tastes. Seems to me that engagements are rarely ever a true "surprise" anymore. (Which always kinda reminded me of a caveman clonking a lady over the head & dragging her to a cave.) I mean, should a huge life decision like that be made in a few seconds? And if you've discussed marriage as a couple, then why not collaborate on a ring?

I'm not one of those who minds contributing to the ring if its a collaborative effort. Just not sentimental that way. Practicality wins out. Its an expensive purchase. You wear it everyday. Why WOULDN't you want to like the aesthetics of it as well as the sentiment?

If your lady was going to purchase a sports car for you that you'd drive every day for the rest of your life .... would you want her to "surprise" you with it ... no input from you?

That's my take on things .... you know your gal better than I do ... so I'm sure you'll be able to predict whether she'd appreciate a total surprise or whether she'd want to be involved. Congrats!

Dito Deco

 

[Circe]

These days, I think it's more the norm for couples to have more in-depth discussions of their futures together. As a result, for a lot of couples, there's an implicit agreement to marry, and the formal "proposal" is almost ceremonial. As an outgrowth of that, yeah, a lot of couples coordinate efforts on finding the right ring. For some, that's no more than agreeing they want to spend their lives together and off into the stilly night goes the guy with a vague sense that his lady prefers rounds over princesses ... and for others, there's a more in-depth involvement, depending, I think, on how much they value the "surprise!" element of it all.

Some people love surprises: some people ... not so much. My husband loves surprises. Me, I hate surprises. So, he got surprised with woven engagements bands in the style of his people (he comes from a country where both partners wear simple matching bands and add the bling at the wedding), and I got a ring we picked out together. Everybody was happy!

I will say - and this is totally the result of my being the hates-surprises type - I think it makes a lot more sense to go into an enterprise like this with a definite sense of what your partner likes. There have been so many sad "I hate my ring" posts, I can't even tell you ... sometimes because the dude cheaps out, sometimes because he overspends and the girl feels too flashy: sometimes because the metal is wrong; sometimes because she would have preferred a bigger, warmer stone; and, in what I find the worst cases, somehow, sometimes because dude's mom picked the ring out for him and the girl feels like, hey, if a woman was going to be involved anyway, why wasn't it the one who'd be wearing the ring? Yeesh.

 

[Haven]

A good proposal will only be a surprise in its execution and timing. In my opinion, of course.

If you're marrying a woman who has selective taste and cares very much about the jewelry she wears, it's a good idea to include her in the ring-buying process. If you're marrying a woman who values the element of surprise and romantic notions of a man struggling to pick the ring that is "just right" then a surprise ring is the better idea.

Everyone has different expectations.

 

[kama_s]

I'm sorry, but *I* am at a loss as to why any woman would want a surprise engagement. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and a woman has as much right to discuss and think it over as a man does.

What bugs me is that men think that when THEY are ready, the woman will obviously be ready and waiting for him to propose.

And then, ofcourse, there are other esthetic reasons, as were mentioned above. you know, wearing a ring you love as opposed to your future husband's choice.

This question - especially the way it is worded - really rubbed me the wrong way. I hope you're not as dense and judgemental as you came across.

 

[winelover23]

+999,999,999 to Kama! BRAVO! Perfectly stated!!!!!!!

 

[Jennifer W]

To each his/her own.

Personally, I don't see much point in a proposal (not really done where I'm from)....

Same here - not unheard of, but not usual where I live. That said, why can't people do what suits them? I mean, there must be room in the world for plenty different ways of deciding to marry.

I must admit, regardless of how the ring was chosen, I do love reading proposal stories here, and occasionally a client will write and tell us about it too. I can get a little teary, but I'm a hopeless romantic. Whatever works for the two people involved - they're the only ones who really matter in that context.

 

[TravelingGal]

An engagement (meaning that it will happen, and not how) should never be a surprise.

An engagement ring will only be surprise if it's not to the wearers taste (i.e. ugly).

And no one wants a surprise like that.

 

[iheartscience]

What's up with guys thinking their "surprise" is more important than taking into account their girlfriends' tastes? That strikes me as extremely self-centered and controlling.

I personally prefer to have input in any large purchases that I'll be using for many, many years, if not my entire life.

 

[vc10um]

What's up with guys thinking their "surprise" is more important than taking into account their girlfriends' tastes? That strikes me as extremely self-centered and controlling.

I personally prefer to have input in any large purchases that I'll be using for many, many years, if not my entire life.

DITTO x1,000!!!!!!!!!

Well said, T2!

On the flip side, what's the fun of looking down and wearing a ring every day that you don't particularly love (or, for some women, even LIKE that much) because the person you're with valued the surprise more than really knowing your taste and what's important to you?


That said, this board is full of educated jewelry lovers. We delight in things like facet patterns and flour and can endlessly debate whether we prefer warmer or cooler colours (or if we like a mixture). The vaaaaaaaaaast majority of women getting engaged couldn't give a rat's patoot about any of that, and would love to be surprised. But some of us have very specific tastes and are very opinionated, and it would be very difficult for any SO to really knock it out of the park without at least some input from their jewelry-loving partner. So I definitely wouldn't think of PS as being evidence of a trend amongst most people who want to get engaged. (I mean, heck - my friend J and I went browsing at my favourite jewelry store and while I was talking enthusiastically with the saleswoman about antique diamonds, and the benefits of warmer colours, J's whole contribution to our discussion was "I love cushions because they're square but not pointy" - she'd be the prime candidate for a guy proposing the way you are, while I'm much more likely to just be frustrated if I don't get any input on my ring.)

I also agree completely with Princesss. PSers are a unique subset of the population.

 

[Aoife]

Well, a surprise can be good...or it can be very, very bad. Having read many "I hate my engagement ring, what should I do?" threads, as well as noticed a few "Help me find an engagement ring to surprise my GF" threads where the ring later turned up on ebay or for sale on consignment, I think the words "surprise" and "proposal" don't belong in the same sentence. But then, I've been married a very long time, and my DH learned years and years ago to let me pick out my own jewelry. He gets a kick out of watching me enjoy the process, and I get something I actually adore wearing. Win-win. And both my daughters had input into their engagement rings.

I'm not sure what the OP means by "old school," but I personally don't find the idea of someone choosing an engagement ring without any input from the intended recipient, and then expecting her to be surprised and thrilled especially romantic. But I'm pretty uppity that way.

 

[suchende]

As a multi-year PSer with a healthy interest in jewelry and several diamonds I've bought myself... I do want it to be a surprise and something my BF picks out on his own. It's his money and I don't want to micro-manage how his chooses a gift he's buying me. He would never do the reverse. He does know what I gravitate towards, bc those are the things I buy myself. But, if it's not exactly what I'd choose for myself, it will grow on me.

As for the engagement itself being a surprise, I was engaged once for a week a few years ago, because I was asked and didn't know how to say "no." If I were a guy, I would not want it to be a total shock to my intended.

 

[jsb1976]

I'm sorry, but *I* am at a loss as to why any woman would want a surprise engagement. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and a woman has as much right to discuss and think it over as a man does.

What bugs me is that men think that when THEY are ready, the woman will obviously be ready and waiting for him to propose.

And then, ofcourse, there are other esthetic reasons, as were mentioned above. you know, wearing a ring you love as opposed to your future husband's choice.

This question - especially the way it is worded - really rubbed me the wrong way. I hope you're not as dense and judgemental as you came across.

Allow me to try and clarify things a bit.
I was not referring to showing up on someones doorstep out of the blue and popping the question. I was simply referring to the involvement overall of a girlfriend or soon to be fiance and an engagement ring and its design.
I agree, marriage and engagement should be discussed. It is a lifelong decision.

Maybe it is just me, but I feel the romance is gone if there is no surprise left to chance.

 

[fieryred33143]

Depends on your own personal views. I don't attach sentimental value to things because those things can be replaced. Being involved in the process allowed me to get what I like while helping FI get a good deal for his budget. When I think of my proposal, I don't think about the ring. I think about what he said, how it happened, how I felt, etc. If I lost my ring tomorrow I would be sad, but it won't erase that night from my memory. I guess for me romance does not equal surprise, just like not getting a valentine's day gift doesn't mean there's no love in the relationship.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I'm sorry, but *I* am at a loss as to why any woman would want a surprise engagement. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and a woman has as much right to discuss and think it over as a man does.

What bugs me is that men think that when THEY are ready, the woman will obviously be ready and waiting for him to propose.

And then, ofcourse, there are other esthetic reasons, as were mentioned above. you know, wearing a ring you love as opposed to your future husband's choice.

This question - especially the way it is worded - really rubbed me the wrong way. I hope you're not as dense and judgemental as you came across.

Allow me to try and clarify things a bit.
I was not referring to showing up on someones doorstep out of the blue and popping the question. I was simply referring to the involvement overall of a girlfriend or soon to be fiance and an engagement ring and its design.
I agree, marriage and engagement should be discussed. It is a lifelong decision.

Maybe it is just me, but I feel the romance is gone if there is no surprise left to chance.

she'll be surprise alright if you pick out a style that she hates.. then you'll have to trash the ring and start over = waste of time,waste of money.

 

[sillyberry]

Allow me to try and clarify things a bit.
I was not referring to showing up on someones doorstep out of the blue and popping the question. I was simply referring to the involvement overall of a girlfriend or soon to be fiance and an engagement ring and its design.
I agree, marriage and engagement should be discussed. It is a lifelong decision.

Maybe it is just me, but I feel the romance is gone if there is no surprise left to chance.

My FI was basically deadset against picking out the ring on his own. He has zero interest in jewelry (honestly thinks the whole engagement ring thing is really rather stupid and regressive) but was willing to go along with it because he knew how much I wanted a sparkly. So when it came time to actually go about getting the ring... In his words:

I could pick out something and you would love it because it is from me, or we could pick something out and you would love it because it is from me and because you love it. I much prefer the latter.

And I was happy to go along with it. He probably would have purchased a round brilliant solitaire, which is a far cry from my haloed cushion and I would have loved the sentiment, but always have been sad about the design.

 

[kenny]

Clearly the answer to all this is . . . the woman should pick out the diamond ring, but it is the man who should wear it.

 

[Circe]

I'm sorry, but *I* am at a loss as to why any woman would want a surprise engagement. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and a woman has as much right to discuss and think it over as a man does.

What bugs me is that men think that when THEY are ready, the woman will obviously be ready and waiting for him to propose.

And then, ofcourse, there are other esthetic reasons, as were mentioned above. you know, wearing a ring you love as opposed to your future husband's choice.

This question - especially the way it is worded - really rubbed me the wrong way. I hope you're not as dense and judgemental as you came across.

Allow me to try and clarify things a bit.
I was not referring to showing up on someones doorstep out of the blue and popping the question. I was simply referring to the involvement overall of a girlfriend or soon to be fiance and an engagement ring and its design.
I agree, marriage and engagement should be discussed. It is a lifelong decision.

Maybe it is just me, but I feel the romance is gone if there is no surprise left to chance.

Ye-es - and I think what a lot of us are saying is that, surprise is not necessarily equivalent to romance. It does say a lot about the power dynamic of traditional engagement and male-female relationships, though.

Personally, I don't want the concepts of "surprise" and "spending thousands of dollars" anywhere near one another. Too much potential for disaster! Even when the guy is cool with the concept of changing the stone/setting to suit his beloved's tastes after the fact (and assuming he was clever enough to buy from a place with a good return/upgrade policy), it can feel massively ooky to go, "So, I love you and appreciate the sentiment, but, uh, this isn't quite my style." It makes a lot of people feel ungrateful. The alternative, of course, is to keep your mouth shut and ... wear something you don't like. Good times!

 

[mrswahs]

I agree with everyone here that marriage needs to be a joint decision. FI and I have discussed marriage for years and we have always had talks about the future in terms of "when" rather than "if." There was no doubt in my mind that we'd get married (it really helps that we were best friends for 7 years before we even started dating). It was just a matter of when. We had decided to get married some time before Spring 2012 because that's when we want to buy a house and we wanted to be married before beginning that process. So at that point he just wanted to surprise me with a proposal, and he did in a sweet, memorable way that we'll be able to tell the story of for years and we have video of it to cherish as well.

He did the ring on his own and he did a great job. I love what I have, but I am a little disappointed that I wasn't able to join in the process just because I think it would have been fun. My ring also has a 100 day satisfaction policy so if I were to change my mind and want something else or if I didn't like what he got I had that option. I love that he proposed with the ring (especially since it was a public proposal and people would have expected it) but if he didn't it wouldn't have changed the moment for me.

I think it's whatever works best for the couple. He happened to do a wonderful job in all aspects but gave me wiggle room in case I didn't like what he picked. In my mind this was the best of both worlds

 

[allycat0303]

I think different things work for different people.

I don't see the point in having my husband spend a large amount of money on something I don't love. I'm not sentimental about my engagement ring, but I'm very attached to my wedding ring, which my husband bought for me when I was sick. However I do agree that if my husband had surprised me with my engagement ring, I might have been thrilled. But we had discussed being engaged for such a long time, that this was not the route for us.

 

[mrswahs]

Personally, I don't want the concepts of "surprise" and "spending thousands of dollars" anywhere near one another. !

This! Way too much room for disaster. It can work out (it did for me) but there's SO much room for error.

 

[Lula]

To each his/her own.

Personally, I don't see much point in a proposal (not really done where I'm from). I do see the point in the woman choosing what she wants, given that she'll be wearing it 24/7 for the rest of her life.

I do kind of think that if the woman is to be involved, there's no point in ordering the ring, having it around for ages, and then planning a 'proposal'. It would make more sense if the guy proposed and they then went to pick out the ring together.

Totally agree with mayerling -- especially the part I bolded. I was really perplexed when I read a post written by a woman who, a) picked out the ring; b) knew the date of its arrival; c) had set the date, decided on a venue, and even had the wedding invitations addressed and ready to be sent out; and, d) was waiting for her "proposal" which she knew was to happen "soon" because they agreed he wouldn't wait too long to "propose" after he received the ring. Whaaaaat????? I have to say, I always thought the proposal came before the wedding date was set, but I might just be old-fashioned!

 

[slg47]

Circe, I totally agree with this

Personally, I don't want the concepts of "surprise" and "spending thousands of dollars" anywhere near one another.

and since I agree with many of the other posters above that the engagement should not be a surprise (both members should have discussed marriage and that they are ready to take that step) I don't see why the ring has to be a huge surprise. If she's going to wear it for the rest of her life...shouldn't she have some input?