What to do - Just found out DH cheated on me

[onedrop]

I don''t quite understand where his anger is coming from...after all you are the one that has been cheated on. Plus he was so out of line to read your journal. Is he suggesting that this woman was lying? I guess all of that doesn''t really matter now as much as finally talking to him about everything. I do agree with Skippy, talking to him now while he''s a work isn''t the best idea, but it''s time to get things aired out.

 

[Kaleigh]

Just wanted to wish you well, talk to him when you are calm. Easy for me to say, I know. Good luck.

 

[crystalheart1]

Being someone who has been divorced for 15 years and dated various men - I can say, from my own experience,
behavior like that would send up some red flags.

I know every one reacts to things differently, but human nature basically is the same.

His actions past and present respresent he is hiding a number of things. He probably is trying to see what you
have found out about him by reading your journal.

People do change, but his basic character is speaking loudly . I think the more you look into things, the more you will find.

Sometimes the best husbands who claim to be giving their heart and souls to their familys are sometimes giving else where too. Not always but it does happen. He should be trying to apologize and asking for you to move ahead.
His reaction sounds like he is getting caught with his pants down

For those who protests too much - you have put his defense mode in over time.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thinking of you, and hope all goes well in talking with him. His anger IS out of line, but is not unexpected. In my experience the "HOW DARE YOU!!!!" line is the one that comes out as the first line of defence when someone gets 'found out' for doing something wrong.

Becoming extremely angry is a way of intimidating you and confusing you so that you back off. Just keep that in mind.

He also has probably convinced himself that his behaviour was / is OK and come up with all kind of rationalizations for it. So, the 'how dare you!' might be something he's really feeling. He may not have moral bearings about this.

If you CAN wait until you're both calm, that's advisable. Just know that you're in the right here.

And he wouldn't have stolen your journal if he didn't think he was in danger, know what I mean? SEriously, has he ever done that before? Just something to think about.

You're in my thoughts.

ETA: Yeah, WHY did he take your journal TODAY?! I think he's scared about something.

 

[janinegirly]

eek, that''s a tough one. i''d die if my DH ever read any of my posts, let alone journal. do you leave it out in the open? what was the general theme of the stuff you wrote (anger, hurt?).

he is obviously feeling blindsided, so he''s going into defense mode with the anger. this is really an unfortunate way for it to come out.
his email is impassioned though, so it''s clear he cares for you and your children, but needless to say, this is now "out there" so you two have to confront it head on now. if what he says has depth to it, then he''ll work on this too. his defensiveness is understandable but misdirected. this "person" blurted the infomration out without any alteriour motive except maybe suffereing from foot in mouth syndrome. you still need to get to the bottom of it, hear HIS side and ask him to please be honest about anything else that may''ve been covered up. Tell him it is a question of trust and you''re just asking for his side..because communication is the only way to get through this (rather than let suspicions fester). It''s time to be brutally honest and be prepared for the consequences.
As a side note, he obviously sensed something was up. Either by your moods or maybe news trickled down to him from other sources.

I''m kind of at a loss as to what to suggest. Maybe wait for the kids to be asleep and go somewhere in your house where it''s somewhat sound proof. I can''t imagine either of you will be able to bottle in until the weekend. let us know how you''re doing.

 

[door knob solitaire]

OH dear...

I had thought of a post to write you and was finished in my thoughts hoping to get to you before your weekend plan of your "confrontation" took place. It is too late to express to you what I had hoped.

The anger you are receiving is just what I thought it would be. The years of devotion and marriage were thrown aside by the 8th grade girl gossip this old acquaintance decided to dump on you. Yes he is mad. You trusted this skank over considering the source.

I thought...how do you know this CHICK wasn''t denied an advance she made to your boyfriend? Why is she no longer in contact with the friend...and in all these 8 years she never knew who your husband married? There was so many icky things about her downloading on you. She sures holds a grudge for a long time for someone who doesn''t know YOU well enough to know whom you married-she was so concerned that you were cheated on? For over 8 years of time? Fishy. The way she talked it is amazing he had any spare time to study. (THE WHOLE TIME...I don''t think so. That would make your boyfriend a superman!)

And now this gossipy hurtful conversation has taken your husbands devotion and negated every second of it. It has ripped his core from within. I am sorry you are getting more support to hog tie your husband. More encouragement to tar and feather him. You are still allowing this girl to charter your marriage boat. She has singlehandedly torn the stern of the ship from the bow...and now the seas are churning and you are reaching for something to stay afloat...and not looking to your helpmate...your husband in any other way than in anger and distrust.

She was very successful. Cunning. Cut you to the core of your inner sanctum.

When you see him, please stop it. Don''t allow her to take anymore from your life. Take hold of all the great things your marriage has given you. Throw all this silly nit picky junk over board and let it sink to the bottom of the sea and never bring it up again. Yeah, it is going to take some backbone. Yeah...you are going to have to swallow a chunk of ka ka. Please take a deep breath.

DKS

Yes..you have added some new information. You are going to sort that out. But don''t allow her to continue to sink your ship. Toss her off...throw the life ring to your husband.

 

[crystalheart1]

What about being on my space and talking to ex girlfriends on there? I don''t think that is appropriate to do if you are married.

Why is he on my space? I think you just need to clear the air, and have a nice heart to heart alone with him

Maybe this is a good way for him to talk to you rather going on line to air his issues

 

[door knob solitaire]

I had car trouble yesterday. I am a member of AAA but my husband wouldn''t hear of my calling them. He dropped what he was doing...canceled all his meetings...and within 30 minutes he was at my side. It was the coldest day of our year so far, and as I sat in his car warmed by the heater...he was out in the cold front winds taking the blast for me.

I watched his face as the cold wind blasted his. His eyes were watering from the frigid air. I knew there were many other places he would rather be. But at that moment I knew...under my car hood was where he was supposed to be.

I thought of your dilemma...and I pondered if I had the same information what I would do with it. I watched him grimace...the cold getting colder. No doubt in my mind...I would press the delete button.

So I write one more entry to encourage you and support your marriage. My encouraging posts/view are a minority in this thread, so I will refrain from any more. Maybe they have been enough to help...just a little.

DKS

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 11/7/2007 2:50:33 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
I had car trouble yesterday. I am a member of AAA but my husband wouldn't hear of my calling them. He dropped what he was doing...canceled all his meetings...and within 30 minutes he was at my side. It was the coldest day of our year so far, and as I sat in his car warmed by the heater...he was out in the cold front winds taking the blast for me.

I watched his face as the cold wind blasted his. His eyes were watering from the frigid air. I knew there were many other places he would rather be. But at that moment I knew...under my car hood was where he was supposed to be.

I thought of your dilemma...and I pondered if I had the same information what I would do with it. I watched him grimace...the cold getting colder. No doubt in my mind...I would press the delete button.

So I write one more entry to encourage you and support your marriage. My encouraging posts/view are a minority in this thread, so I will refrain from any more. Maybe they have been enough to help...just a little.

DKS

I agree w/DKS. This situation is tough but we should always give our best friends the benefit of doubt.

 

[lauralu]

I have to say. Reading an email from an ex girlfriend and readng his myspace is not the same thing as stealing a persons journal and reading it. A journal is a letter to oneself. Inner feelings. Writings that help one sort out life circumstances. It does not involve other people.

He sensed something was wrong? yes and....She told him something was wrong and she needed some time but would talk with him.

I see no reason for him to not have respected that.

His response to what he read in her diary should have been I am sorry.....lets talk. Not.... after everything I have done for you and the kids bla bla bla. Guilt trip in my opinion.

I am sorry I just don't think he has any right to react the way he did....

She is not throwing their whole marriage out over this. She just wants some answers. She deserves answers to what she has heard from this women. No matter when it happened...no matter if it was all true or not. She deserves respect from him and answers.

IMOH dating is a time to grow trust and respect for one another...she has found out that what she thought was.......may have not been.

She deserves answers to what she has been told.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 11/7/2007 2:50:33 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
I had car trouble yesterday. I am a member of AAA but my husband wouldn''t hear of my calling them. He dropped what he was doing...canceled all his meetings...and within 30 minutes he was at my side. It was the coldest day of our year so far, and as I sat in his car warmed by the heater...he was out in the cold front winds taking the blast for me.

I watched his face as the cold wind blasted his. His eyes were watering from the frigid air. I knew there were many other places he would rather be. But at that moment I knew...under my car hood was where he was supposed to be.

I thought of your dilemma...and I pondered if I had the same information what I would do with it. I watched him grimace...the cold getting colder. No doubt in my mind...I would press the delete button.

So I write one more entry to encourage you and support your marriage. My encouraging posts/view are a minority in this thread, so I will refrain from any more. Maybe they have been enough to help...just a little.

DKS

DKS, I love your posts, they are always so thoughtful and make me think, as well.

I can only hope that her husband is the kind of husband yours is. But he might not be. It doesn''t sound like your husband would be chatting with his ex on myspace, y''know? I''m not disagreeing with you outright here, and I think that of course he deserves the benefit of the doubt. However, I do think that they need to discuss this rationally, in depth, with all the cards on the table...because it sounds like there have been some cards missing along the way.

 

[janinegirly]

and i agree with laura. it''s seems bitter words towards the "friend" is misguided. the person was just the messenger--albeit in a embarrassing fashion, but she did not have some secret evil motive since she had no awareness of the current situation (that OP was married to the guy being "gossiped" about).

so what do do with that info? bury it and bite the lip and say i will honor my marriage and not take any risks to endanger it, no matter how it eats at my level of trust and self esteem? that''s not a healthy marriage to me. Like laura, she''s not filing for divorce, she''s asking for answers which is fair game. she''s not accusing, she''s saying, this is what i heard, it upset me..tell me what you think or your side since it was an accuation laid out on him. i think "needadvice" has been VERY disciplined, holding in the knowledge, writing in a journal..alll the while thinking of the best way to handle it. The unfortunate stealing of journal, anger..has kind of taken it to a whole other level...so no it''s more in damage control mode. Which is maybe what he wanted (it''s true that anger is one way of deflecting the real issue).

no way around it now..talk it out. take time off (just to cool off). then address it again. eventually you''ll get through it. it''s incredibly messy, but right now just a lot of suspicions and guesswork, so just get to the bottom of it before thinking of anything else.

 

[glitterkitty]

I''ve ummed and ahhed about responding to this as I''ve recently gone thru something ''similar''.

Trust your instincts - they are rarely wrong. Keep as calm you can discussing this with him - the sceaming wailing banshee is not going to help (I''m squirming in embarrassment thinking of my way of handling things .... so not good) and ensure the two of you are alone (hot flush rises again

).

There are two distinct issues here - the first episode of cheating and your suspicions re contacting the ex girlfriend.

Taking the cheating you''ve just learned about and the background story - one thing stood out for me which was when he asked to move in with you after he graduated and you said no. This in no way excuses what he may have done, but perhaps he took that as a message from you that your relationship wasn''t on the next level? If he did, and then felt he could continue to see this other woman, at some point he has made a choice to be with you and to end that relationship. Perhaps thats when he felt that you were both on the same wavelength as to where the relationship was heading. Maybe.

The contacting of the ex girlfriend last year - yeah, I''d be upset and i would want to know the circumstances and who contacted who. Your marriage has been hard at times - maybe he wanted a different pespective. Maybe last year he was unhappy, but he realised that he wanted to be with you which is why things have been so much better this way. Only he can answer that.

like me, your whole view of your life and dh has been shaken to the core. Its up to you how you take it from here. I over reacted totally and started imagining the worse. We were lucky, my intinct to believe him was right and the stupid little tart who decided she wanted my dh got the message. My dh was desperately hurt that i hadn''t trusted him so that has caused some issues - we''re working on them.

Really listen to what your instincts say - you know your dh and relationship better than anyone, and will know whether he is telling the truth and whether you can move on from this without having it in the backgroung constantly. Don''t let it become a stick to beat him over the head with. If you want to put it behind you, you have to do just that. Hard? Yes, but you know if your marriage is worth it.

Wishing you all the best. Stay strong.

 

[anchor31]

I haven''t been responding to this thread because I felt like I had nothing to contribute to it, bu right now I wanted to give you some support. I hope you two can talk about this. *hugs*

 

[crystalheart1]

Firegoddes, I thought the same exact thing... I think what DKS husband did was wonderful... And I thought he does
not sound like someone that would be chatting with ex girlfriends on my space... He is a good honorable man.

My Fiance is that type of man, he would break his back to be there and help me out. We have had some issues arise in the past and he has said to me lets talk this out - and I understand how you feel... Not the look what I have done for you in the past, throwing all his good doings up in my face.

I have been around that type of man in the past... the questionably emails, past lies, freaking out when something is found out..

Just too many signs ( red flags) too ignore... don''t have your head in the sand ... I would not throw away what you have- but I would try to find some things out... I would also question some character issues...

 

[Independent Gal]

Ditto what Crystal says. My FI is just the kind of man that DKS (and Crystal) describes too. He'd swim across the Pacific if I needed him on the other side, and the laaaaaast thing he'd EVER do would be to say 'THINK OF EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU! HOW DARE YOU!' if I was upset about something.

Conversely, I can't even IMAGINE he'd do anything so my instinct would be to disbelieve if some girl told me he'd been cheating while we dated. I'd be so sure it wasn't true, I'd just out and tell him about it.

Buuuuut I have dated the other kind of man too. The sort of sneaky kind, and the kind that just flat out cheats. In my case, it turned out this guy was cheating with at least FOUR other women (that we - as in the woman who clued me in & I - knew about) and in retrospect, there are signs and you can see them, once you know what you're looking for. And OP's post is full of 'signs'.

This guy's reaction was totally "How DARE you not trust me! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!" He definitely used the 'If I get angry enough, she'll get scared and back off... bonus points if I can make HER feel guilty' strategy.

Signs enough to be worrisome. Again, we are not talking about a one night stand here, and if OP was SURE her husband was not the sort of man who would behave that way, she wouldn't have been suspicious in the first place. But she has past reason to think this might be true, that he'd be capable of this. And if it's still going on, she should at least talk to him about it.

His reaction is not encouraging, nor is his sudden journal stealing. Seriously, DKS, can you ever see your husband stealing your JOURNAL!?!?

Mine sure is heck never would.

It may be nothing, but it's enough of something that she deserves some answers.

 

[Beacon]

Oh my, I am so sorry.

 

[Erin]

Question
When you had counseling was it mostly stuff HE needed to improve upon?
So maybe back then he felt guilty for not being ______ enough and has worked hard and changed and now you're having the best year ever...

Then this comes along and he feels like nothing he ever does is good enough. He can change his perspectives, try harder, do the right thing instead of what he wants to do and it'll all be better until something like this comes along and crushes it all.

I agree that his first reaction should have been more compassionate and sympathetic and apologetic. But maybe his anger is not because he's hiding something from you in the sense there are other lies out there covered up, but instead his anger comes from working past a lot of issues and coming out so strong this year and FINALLY things are really really good and this news puts a big crack in what he helped build. So his anger could be a borderline "I give up" reaction of Why can't things just go right.

I bet he did do what that girl said he did, but in his mind that was ages ago and he's looking at all you've built together since then and doesn't want to lose it. I see it as frustration because it's another hurdle when he just started being really happy again.

Anyway, that's my read. I've been known to be wrong...

 

[Pandora II]

I dated a guy for 7 years and we lived together for about 5 of those. He commited suicide a few months after I left him.

We had had a lot of problems, but I would have sworn on my own life that he had never cheated on me. After he died, a load of people from the past phoned me up and a number said, ''I know with what has happened, this doesn''t matter anymore, so I thougt you ought to know that he and I had an affair while you were together.'' There were about 5 in all. Why do people do this??? Never did understand that!

His new girlfriend developed a roll of film from his camera after his death and they were all photos of him in bed with another girl - dated 3 weeks earlier. So it seems to have been a habit of his.

She and I became quite good friends and when I asked she told me things that he had said that completely confirmed what the other girls told me - right down to names of people she could never have know.

There is nothing more sickening that feeling that you have somehow been blind to this. It makes you doubt your own judgement in everything. You feel a fool, angry and downright devastated and you have every right to.

My advice was going to be to go and see a counsellor and work through your feelings about this and about how it affects you and your own sense of self before you said anything to him.

Frankly I''m worried by his reaction. This is how a small child caught with his hand in the cookie jar reacts - get angry and try to push the fault and blame as far from yourself as possible.

When I was first dating FI, my brother''s mad ex (who introduced us) was telling my brother the most incredible lies about my FI and how he said I was a slut and he was just using me, and a huge number of other very hurtful things including various racist comments I was supposed to have made about her to all her friends (who I didn''t even know). It got so bad that my FI suggested that the 4 of us meet to put cards on the table. She was too ''distraught'' to do this (which FI predicted) and so I met my brother alone.

I heard about all these long emails FI was sending her daily about me, our sex life (which was not even happening by that point) and how awful I was, and while I didn''t believe he was capable of any of it - there was this 10% doubt in my mind. The whole way home I was devastated that I would find things I didn''t want to, and devastated that my trust was being rocked.

When I got home I told FI everything. He switched on the computer and said lets look through my emails. There were 3 one line ones to her over 3 months. The recycle bin had over 2000 emails in it and none from her. FI was not in the least bit angry or upset with me for my doubts. I called my brother and told him she was lying. She had an outburst very similar to that of your DH and my brother threw her out that night.

You are in a very hard position as he has pushed the ball way into your court - any attempt from you to talk things through will be met with denial and that you are intent on destroying your relationship. It is I''m afraid a very unclever move, these sort of concerns need to be aired in order to heal. Pushing them away isn''t going to make them go away.

I''m not sure what your next step should be I''m afraid.

I so feel for you in this situation. Remember that whatever happened or happens, it''s not your fault and you bear no blame.

>>

Sorry, I seem to have written a short novel here...

 

[phoenixgirl]

His reaction doesn''t fit the situation. It seems like a diversionary tactic, and I wouldn''t be surprised if it''s one he''s used before . . . ? It is not appropriate to lash out at you because you''ve discovered something you legitimately have a right to be hurt by. I could have bought it if he said something about how it has weighed on him all these years but he was young and stupid and loves you so much and was always afraid he''d lose you if he told you, and he is so, so, so sorry . . . But this angry tantrum disturbs me more than the fact that he cheated years ago. And yes, I think a man who reacts that way has more to hide than an affair before you were married.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 11/7/2007 7:50:02 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
His reaction doesn't fit the situation. It seems like a diversionary tactic, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's one he's used before . . . ? It is not appropriate to lash out at you because you've discovered something you legitimately have a right to be hurt by. I could have bought it if he said something about how it has weighed on him all these years but he was young and stupid and loves you so much and was always afraid he'd lose you if he told you, and he is so, so, so sorry . . . But this angry tantrum disturbs me more than the fact that he cheated years ago. And yes, I think a man who reacts that way has more to hide than an affair before you were married.

I agree-the tantrum is really the opposite way he should react. And how dare he STEAL your journal. That is unbelievable to me. I hope you can work this out, but his angry and defensive reaction makes it seem like it's going to be difficult to work things out calmly with him...

 

[allycat0303]

I am SO sorry you are going thorugh this. I can''t even imagine how hurt and confused you are at this very moment.

A similar thing happened to an acquantaince of mine (except the other woman was her sister). So I only know the story second hand. They had been married for 12 years, with 2 children (although they met when he was married to another woman, and she stole him away from the first wife) anyways a very long and happy courtship. And a long and happy marriage. She was always saying what a wonderful, amazing husband she had (I guess maybe boasting) and then one day her younger sister said ..quite spitefully, that he wasn''t such a wonderful man because he had slept with her (the sister) before they had gotten married.

And it ruined the marriage. She stayed with him, for a long time, and finally got divorced last summer, although most of the last few years was similar to a cold war (ie her wishing he would die so she could get the insurance money).

And I never knew what I would do in the situation. She once said that during the courtship he loved her like *mad* so imagine what he was doing when they were married and things were a little routine.

I think that turning his anger on you is a diversionary tactic. Making this about you, but it''s about him. I also am not really in agreement with exclusivity only being reserved for marriage. I''ve been with my guy for 12 years, and we''re not married, but if I found out that he had cheated on me in the time we were together it would be a dealbreaker. If we were married with children, I would really get all the counselling, I could to work it out, give it a few months (maybe a year) to see if the feelings get better. Right now, it''s very acute, so just concentrate on getting through the next few days.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Just a few thoughts....

(FG...no, I was not responding to you on page 1.)

I believe once a couple agrees to not date other people, that means no cheating. If you find this out while dating, I think I''d seriously consider breaking up. However, if I found out now (many years later) that my hubby cheated while we were dating, I''d be aggravated at him and probably make him make it up to me (it would likely be some PS project), but it wouldn''t overrule the years of faithful marriage that we have had.

I understand him taking the journal. He did it for the same reason she sneaked and checked his MySpace messages. She was acting strange and he knew she was probably writing it all in the journal. My advice there is to keep those kind of thoughts in your head rather than writing them down! You''ll eventually have curious kids who can read who might be devastated reading such things. And if he needs to keep a MySpace account, it needs to be open to you at any time. That is called accountability.

I think you guys are likely going to have to have counseling at this point to make it. I think it is really sad, especially if he has been faithful the last 10 years. Like DKS, I have a high view of marriage and do not like to see marriages broken over something that happened so long ago. So I hope you both will do all that is within your power to save your marriage, but I hope that the truth will come out if he has been unfaithful since the wedding. At this point, it all needs to be dealt with since the topic is now out in the open.

 

[diamondfan]

If you cannot bring it up without him throwing a grenade, like I said before, it seems he is throwing up a smokescreen to deflect from the real issues. Not sure how you can get around that.

 

[Beacon]

Another way to view his angry reaction: it's his style. It was predictable that he would react this way, given what the OP described of her marriage. It seems to fit his character that he burst out in uncontrolled anger. We already know he can be sneaky given the past, so the journal thing fits too.

There is a possible bright side. If he were a real, accomplished, cheat he could simply confess to the dread past act, plead immaturity, temporary insanity, or whatever and beg to kiss and make up. This would bury the issue and if he were a bad guy I think this is what he would do in a calculated way. By doing so he could carry on with whatever he might have going on elsewhere. So it could be somewhat positive, in a backhanded way, that he went nuclear. Plus there is always the slim chance that the information truly is wrong and he never really did that past cheating and just blew up and got emotional.

At this stage, there seems to be little the OP can do, except attempt to gain information and find a way to defuse the situation. He is pissed off, defensive and aggressive. Typical guy. Best bet is to dump the whole matter in front of a professional counselor, with both him and her in the session, and work through it. Not ideal, but the hand has been tipped. Now it's about damage control.

I pray for the best for you, NeedAdvice.

 

[Aloros]

I agree with Beacon that his reaction of anger is not necessarily damning. Some people are just more defensive than others, and will react with anger no matter what the truth actually is.

Give him some time to cool off. I would only really start worrying if he continues to react with anger. If he can''t seem to calm down about it and talk with you rationally, THEN that would send up a huge red flag to me. A rational person might react with anger at first but then think...what would I do in THEIR situation? Maybe she/he has a point?

Your concerns are valid, and in a healthy, loving relationship, he should not just dismiss them.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, of course we do not know his normal reaction to things, but it does seem like he is really overreacting out of guilt. I got the sense this level of reaction was a bit atypical, but that he has reacted this way whenever she has asked him about his behavior regarding other women. How can he expect there to be decent communication if he keeps flipping out like this? She should and needs to be able to freely talk about this and resolve it so she is able to move on. I do not know if I could put up with someone who constantly lost their temper when they were asked to discuss something. To me, if this is his general m.o. he might benefit from some counseling or anger management. If this is unique, then it would seem he is really trying to play the best defense is a good offense. Either way, the communication style needs to be addressed for the health of their marriage.

 

[Eva17]

So sorry you are going through this....

trust your instincts.

agreed: his reaction should not be explosive, especially given that you have already had this conversation over his my space incident.


Keep your head in the present, do not worry about tomorrow while you try to hash this out.

I hope things work out for you the way that you want them to. Good luck!

 

[AGBF]

Hi, needadvice-

I just wanted to let you know that I have been following this thread. I sympathize. If I ever have anything useful to say, I want you to know that I am not a newcomer to this topic. I have just been feeling bad for you; feeling you have gotten a lot of good (albeit sometimes conflicting) advice and a lot of support. I think many of us have been in your shoes or feel that we easily could be.

Stay strong and keep coming back to talk.

Deborah

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Needadvice, just want you to know that we are thinking of you and are concerned about you. I sincerely hope this all can be worked out.