What to do - Just found out DH cheated on me

[needadvice770]

I hear what you are all saying...and yes, I do agree that I should not let this revelation of the past disrail our marriage. I'm just so disappointed in him. I've never been with anyone who hasn't cheated on me and I thought my DH was different.

Oh, and DH graduated college at 27, not 20. He went back to school later in life to finish what he started. He wasn't terribly young - old enough to know better.

I was already out of school and living/working in another city. We had a long distant relationship but it was a committed (or so I thought), mature relationship. I supported his efforts to go back to school and I picked-up a lot of expenses on behalf of our relationship along the way.

When he graduated, he asked to move in with me to which I said no. I had a live-in boyfriend before and it didn't work out so wasn't willing to live with someone unless we were at least engaged. Plus, I told him that I thought it was time for him to get his feet wet in his chosen profession, which landed him in another nearby city - 4 hours away.

So we continued our long distant relationship. Apparently, his relationship with the ex also continued there as well. I don't know for how long - as DH and I were married a year and half later, but it was a bold, all out - cheat. No dumb, kid stuff about it.


*please excuse my spelling - grammatical errors - the thoughts are comign out faster than my fingers can move.

 

[Erin]

Date: 11/6/2007 12:18:46 PM
Author: needadvice770

I''ve never been with anyone who hasn''t cheated on me and I thought my DH was different.

Big Sigh

I''m sorry. I get it. You two will get past this if you want to. But I get it. Big Hugs.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, I have to say that if I were you, I would also be completely floored and devastated, even if it happened 10 years ago. I know exactly what it feels like to find out that things were not as you thought they were. A friend who was also cheated on once described it to me this way: she said "It''s like I just found out that the grass is blue and the sky is green."

Systematic deception like that is REALLY HORRIBLE, whether or not you were married.

I agree with the others that finding a way past it is worth it for the sake of your family, but if I were you I''d get hella pissed first. That is such a major violation. And if he was 27 when he did it, well, I guess I''d have concerns about whether I could trust him now too. Getting over that might require some counseling. But first, even if it was 10 years ago, your husband deserves to feel your anger and hurt and to know that what he did to you MATTERED.

But if he has been trustworthy since then, moving past it is worth some serious effort.

 

[janinegirly]

I get it too. I would be devastated. If it was casual dating in college, you both were in your teens and didn''t get serious till after graduation, maybe it''d be different. But the context you''ve given seems to reveal that it WAS cheating, and the only mitigating factor is that you were not yet married..but still, it was deceptive and it would bother the hell out of me that he, at 27, would sleep with both of you and never come clean.

you''ve been very fair about it so far (holding it in, especially for the kids). I think you most certainly need to talk to him. the way you discovered this is pretty extraordinary, i mean it''s almost like you were meant to know. This would create a level of distrust for me...he covered this up (and other did for him), what else is there? so best to nip this in the bud before the distrust grows. Talk to him this wkend. My suggestion is to first give him a chance to come clean. Tell him you''d like to talk and ask if there''s anything he''d like to get off his chest, anything from even before the marriage. IT''s good that you guys have made progress on the communication and are in a solid spot now, it''ll give you the tools to get through this, which i''m sure you will, but it does need to be aired out.

 

[Efe]

I am sorry this is happening to you. I would take the unusual way you found out to be a sign that you were meant to know and know at this time. This wasn''t just a one time indescretion, it was thought out, premeditated, and with accomplices. It was an extremely crappy thing to do and it has been impacting your relationship the entire time, without you even knowing about it. That said, it was a long time ago and before you were married. I still would be extremely ticked but you are married and have kids with him and have gone through stuff in your relationship that has only strengthened it. That is where the timing issue comes in. Could your marriage have handled knowing this 2, 3, or 4 years ago? You are now at a place in your marriage where you can confront it and give him the opportunity to come clean, because my guess is that this has been weighing on him for a long time. Give him the chance to show that he, in fact, isn''t the same person he was 10 years ago.

 

[diamondfan]

It is going to be painful, but he needs to know you now know, and he needs to talk through this with you. I am in no way saying it should not be painful, but it is a different pain than finding out, for example, that he is sleeping with his secretary now. Yes, it is in the past. But, he was double dealing to an extent. He did chose you, but you had no idea this was even going on, and it makes you feel bad. For the sake of the years you have together, I would get a babysitter and go somewhere where you can spend some quiet reflective time talking. I would not do this at home between chores and daily routines. And one talk may not be enough, he may have to get that you are going to need a bit more time and a bit more reassurance, even though it is in the past.

 

[Beacon]

I am so sorry this happened. What a remarkable coincidence to find out about it the way you did! It is a total shock.

Given the detailed background, I agree, he was playing you both and it was very, very wrong. What to do now - that is tough.

My strongest inclination is to just say nothing about it. If you tell him, you will have opened a door you cannot close and you''ll be living with it daily. Since you have had some rough spots in your marriage, you know the reactions and fighting and feelings that will come out of this. You may undo a lot of good work that is in place.

You were wise not to blurt this out to him right away as I think anyone would have been most tempted to do.

My next thought is how honest is he right now? Meaning, are you absolutely totally sure that he is faithful and has been during your marriage? There are guys who might feel that until they are married anything is fair game. I don''t agree with that, but some men might feel that way. So, how are things NOW. Do you trust him?

You might consult a therapist or marriage counselor to review your emotional feelings - meaning just you. Realistically your DH cannot undo what he has done and I seriously doubt he will comfort you if you present him this news. Most men would just get pissed and angry and defensive and probably just deny the whole thing and it comes down to "he said, she said" of 9 years ago. Muddy water, no real upside.
Bad boy as he was, it is in the past and honestly, if he is good now and does not cheat now then I do not think you will improve your marriage by bringing this up to him.

 

[needadvice770]

Date: 11/6/2007 2:41:10 PM
Author: BizouMom
I am sorry this is happening to you. I would take the unusual way you found out to be a sign that you were meant to know and know at this time. This wasn''t just a one time indescretion, it was thought out, premeditated, and with accomplices. It was an extremely crappy thing to do and it has been impacting your relationship the entire time, without you even knowing about it. That said, it was a long time ago and before you were married. I still would be extremely ticked but you are married and have kids with him and have gone through stuff in your relationship that has only strengthened it. That is where the timing issue comes in. Could your marriage have handled knowing this 2, 3, or 4 years ago? You are now at a place in your marriage where you can confront it and give him the opportunity to come clean, because my guess is that this has been weighing on him for a long time. Give him the chance to show that he, in fact, isn''t the same person he was 10 years ago.

Could your marriage have handled knowing this 2, 3, or 4 years ago?

Honestly, no. It don''t think so. A few years ago we were struggling - on the verge of divorce. It was very hard to make a come back from that.

Another thing bothering me...(I''m putting a puzzle together in my mind)

About a year ago, I found an email from him to another ex, whom he recently connected with over Myspace (of all places). I knew she was on his friends list, but didn''t think too much about it - she lives in another city. One afternoon, he walked away from the computer and I, being all sneaky, looked at his myspace messages. I found an email TO her from my DH. The email to her stated:

"I don''t know anything anymore."

Confused, I looked her reply and any other emails btwn them.

Then I found her reply, which was an email in his inbox that had not been opened. I opened her reply and read:

"I don''t know what you mean, hon"

And that was it. We got in to an ugly fight over it. Ugly. He said it meant nothing - he was just in a bad mood and sent her that message. I felt betrayed.

Is there more to all of this? God, putting it down like this - maybe there is something very disgusting going on right under my nose. Do I even know my husband at all? Do I really know what''s going on? How does he have the time? He''s not that type of person. He''s a good man. I feel like I''m on a rollercoaster. Up and down anger, confusion and saddness.

 

[needadvice770]

If you tell him, you will have opened a door you cannot close and you''ll be living with it daily. Since you have had some rough spots in your marriage, you know the reactions and fighting and feelings that will come out of this. You may undo a lot of good work that is in place.


This is exactly what I''m scared of.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/6/2007 4:07:22 PM
Author: needadvice770
If you tell him, you will have opened a door you cannot close and you''ll be living with it daily. Since you have had some rough spots in your marriage, you know the reactions and fighting and feelings that will come out of this. You may undo a lot of good work that is in place.


This is exactly what I''m scared of.

That''s a very good point, but at the same time if that door remains closed and never opened you have to live with that too. I am really sorry you are going through this. If it were me, I''d have to talk to my husband, or I''d burst. But I am not you. Perhaps you can seek the advice of a counselor, or clergy??

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 11/6/2007 4:07:22 PM
Author: needadvice770
If you tell him, you will have opened a door you cannot close and you'll be living with it daily. Since you have had some rough spots in your marriage, you know the reactions and fighting and feelings that will come out of this. You may undo a lot of good work that is in place.


This is exactly what I'm scared of.

i've only been married. 1.5 mo's and i think this is a very interesting dilemma--meaning is it better to be open with communication no matter what the end result may be (ie only accept an open and honest relationship), or is it better to sometimes bottle it in for the greater good--ie keeping things good and realizing the big picture is what is worth preserving. At this early stage in my marriage, I prefer open communication, I don't want any room for disconnect. But it does lead to more testy moments than if I just bottled things up when they are minor.

Sorry for the tangent, but thought i'd provide that disclaimer, because as a newly wed i believe in being upfront rather than bottling up knowlege and letting it fester into distrust and worse, resentment. But, I'm new to the game, and maybe naive. I still do think you should bring it up and I don't think he'll be defensive, after all you didn't seek out this information--it was blurted out to you! And in negative tones..meaning this "friend", after all these years, remembers him as a jerk for covering up and having friends be complicit. Yes this will open a pandora's box, and with kids and a happy home, that's a tough gamble to take. But to me, it's much worse to bottle up these feelings and not share it with the individual who is the most significant person in your life and ideally, your biggest source of support.

May I ask--what were the circumstances that led to the rough patches/almost divorce?
Keep on venting here, it helps. So that if you do broach him, your thoughts will be sorted through.

 

[luckystar112]

I think you deserve answers.
If this happened to me, I''d be questioning everything. First, if I were your friend and I just realized that I had accidently thrown someone under the bus, I''d be going out of my way to make light of the situation. This could have been more serious then she let on. She could have made it seem like no big deal since you two are married.
The fact that he did it when he was 27 means that it can''t be dismissed as some "immature kid" thing. The fact that he''s been able to look you straight in the eye for the last ten years and hold this secret would make me wonder what *ELSE* you don''t know. Men that cheat will go out of their way to make sure no one finds out. A story:
My aunt was married to my uncle for 15 years. He ran a karate studio. The house was designed so that the whole first floor was the studio, and the living space was above it. He taught Karate to little kids, and ended up dating one of their mom''s on the side. The affair went on for FIVE years, LITERALLY right underneath my aunt''s nose. She had no idea. He hid it so well.
I''m not trying to scare you...but the whole "myspace" thing, I mean COME ON. I''d be keeping a watchful eye on him. Sounds like if he''s not cheating on you he''s at LEAST co-mingling with other women about his frustrations. Emotional cheating?
So no...I wouldn''t let it go. I''d definitely confront him. I agree with others that you found this out now for a reason. Seems like a huge sign, JMHO!

I hope that you are able to figure this out. I seriously can''t imagine how betrayed you must feel.

 

[Independent Gal]

Let me preface this by saying PLEASE DON''T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS! There is not enough evidence for that by a long shot. I hope I''m not throwing grease on a fire here unnecessarily.

However, one thing I have learned in my life is that the capacity to maintain sustained deception requires a certain kind of personality. Someone who is just ''unsure'' about which way to go might slip up and, say, sleep with his ex or something like that. But to maintain a systematic deception for MONTHS, during which time, he lied and lied and lied, and lied well, that is a whole other ballpark. That requires SERIOUS skill. Being that consistently convincing? Think about it. If he felt guilty about it, could he have kept it up? Never cracked his mask?

And I have to say, I find that e-mail exchange you mention, in which he said soul-searching things to this ex-girlfriend who then called him ''hon'' very worrying. If it looks like a pig, and it oinks like a pig, and smells like a pig, it''s probably (but not necessarily) a pig.

I just think, how does someone who was THAT SKILLED at deception and that into it just kind of drop it once he gets married?

I can''t tell you how much I hate to say it, but I''m a little suspicious now. But then again, after the experience _I_ had with this kind of thing, I''m perhaps more inclined to be suspicious of anything that oinks like a pig than most people. Maybe too inclined to be suspicious.

I SO hope it ain''t so. But I am now a little worried.

 

[Beacon]

Date: 11/6/2007 4:22:14 PM

i''ve only been married. 1.5 mo''s and i think this is a very interesting dilemma--meaning is it better to be open with communication no matter what the end result may be (ie only accept an open and honest relationship), or is it better to sometimes bottle it in for the greater good--ie keeping things good and realizing the big picture is what is worth preserving. At this early stage in my marriage, I prefer open communication, I don''t want any room for disconnect. But it does lead to more testy moments than if I just bottled things up when they are minor.

Yep, the conflict between idealism and pragmatism. Both can be the best thing to do. In her case obviously he never felt the need to open up and tell her about this premarital issue. Bringing it out now will probably result in more trouble than good, IMO.

Actually I am somewhat concerned about the myspace communication with an ex. That is current. I take it this is a totally different ex than the one when he was dating right before marriage?

NeedAdvice - I advise you to pay close attention. If you can at all do it, say nothing for the time being. There are some cases where the guy treats his wife extra wonderfully while he is carrying on an affair. Guilt or guile I do not know which, but I have seen this happen. So, you need to keep your eyes open while trying your best to stay calm as possible.

What you need is more information and also the time to search yourself and see how you really feel. What happened 8-10 years ago is not that important today. Relax and stay calm, really nothing is different now that you know this past story. Your life is still good and you have your kids and you love your man. Focus on that.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 11/6/2007 4:32:43 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Let me preface this by saying PLEASE DON''T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS! There is not enough evidence for that by a long shot. I hope I''m not throwing grease on a fire here unnecessarily.

However, one thing I have learned in my life is that the capacity to maintain sustained deception requires a certain kind of personality. Someone who is just ''unsure'' about which way to go might slip up and, say, sleep with his ex or something like that. But to maintain a systematic deception for MONTHS, during which time, he lied and lied and lied, and lied well, that is a whole other ballpark. That requires SERIOUS skill. Being that consistently convincing? Think about it. If he felt guilty about it, could he have kept it up? Never cracked his mask?

And I have to say, I find that e-mail exchange you mention, in which he said soul-searching things to this ex-girlfriend who then called him ''hon'' very worrying. If it looks like a pig, and it oinks like a pig, and smells like a pig, it''s probably (but not necessarily) a pig.

I just think, how does someone who was THAT SKILLED at deception and that into it just kind of drop it once he gets married?

I can''t tell you how much I hate to say it, but I''m a little suspicious now. But then again, after the experience _I_ had with this kind of thing, I''m perhaps more inclined to be suspicious of anything that oinks like a pig than most people. Maybe too inclined to be suspicious.

I SO hope it ain''t so. But I am now a little worried.

I agree with this totally and I don''t want to be a grease thrower either!!!!

 

[Beacon]

Luckystar your story is interesting. How did your Aunt learn of the situation? Did she confront your Uncle? Did your Aunt and Uncle ultimately divorce over this affair? What happened to the lady he was having the affair with?

These questions get to the heart of NeedAdvice''s trouble, even though her situation seems different.

 

[FireGoddess]

I agree that I think it is time for answers. Still prefacing this with the notion that it needs to be done when you can be somewhat rational about it. I tend to get heated myself and just want to YELL! and things come tumbling out. But that would probably not be productive here. If he is guilty, it might provoke him to lie about it. If he isn''t, he may get very defensive about it because it was so long ago and he hasn''t done anything of the sort again.

I do have to agree that the myspace thing seems suspect. It might be nothing, but it might NOT be nothing. It''s time to hear it from the horse''s mouth. It is bothering you, it will continue to bother you, and you need to talk about it for it NOT to bother you. Try to remain calm about it though, as difficult as it might be, because that seems the best way to get through the convo and find out what you need to know. You were able to do it with the woman who told you the story at the coffee shop, see if you can do that with DH. Good luck...

 

[goldfish]

First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am that this could have happened to you. I am just devestated for you.


But I have to say that I disagree with the overall tone of the posters so far. If I were you, I would be so grateful that the other girl ran into me an told me the truth. You deserve to know. I also strongly disagree with the post about dating being for dating and marriage being for exclusivity. I think that when you have an agreement with someone to be exclusive, then you have to honor that, regardless of whether or not you are married. I know a married couple who are very "open", and while I couldn't live that way, I would never tell my friend that she is wrong to be like that because "marriage is for exclusivity". On the other hand, my fiancee and I made an agreement very early on about exclusivity, and I absolutely expect that he should live up to that, as I do myself.


I want to encourage you to think about what is right for you. Don't say to yourself that you have to swallow this to keep the family together. That's soooo much pressure. Also, I hope that you don't feel like you have to stay with him because you've been with him so long, and you don't want to throw all that away. You probably never would have married him if you would have known the truth about what he did while you were dating at the time. So why should you thow good money after bad, so to speak? But that's my personality. My mother says I'm like a cat. I can be very focused and determined, but when I'm done, I'm done. You might be different. I'm passionate, but not so sentimental, if that makes any sense.

If, on the other hand, this man is your soul mate, and you really just don't care about the past, then I hope for you to have all the strength you need.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 11/6/2007 4:41:24 PM
Author: Beacon
Luckystar your story is interesting. How did your Aunt learn of the situation? Did she confront your Uncle? Did your Aunt and Uncle ultimately divorce over this affair? What happened to the lady he was having the affair with?

These questions get to the heart of NeedAdvice's trouble, even though her situation seems different.

It's quite interesting, actually. We come from a VERY small community, so it's amazing that he got away with it for so long.
Being that my uncle worked from home, he didn't even have to leave the house to cheat (at first). And neighbors never questioned it because they were used to seeing the woman's vehicle in the driveway/parking lot. Eventually though, what ended up happening is he would pretend to go to the gym and go meet her in grocery store parking lots (I know).

So one day, a man whose kids were taught karate by my uncle, was sitting in the grocery store parking lot. He worked for an insurance company or something like that, and he was investigating a potential fraud case. So he had a camera and was waiting to see if an employee was going to leave the store with crutches (like he was supposed to), and instead he saw my uncle getting it on with girl in a car! He called my aunt immediately, and that's how she found out.

In the five years he was cheating a lot had happened. He renewed his vows with my aunt on their ten year anniversary, they went on a million vacations...she seriously had no idea. The ONE thing that looking back made her say "hmmmm" was that on holidays he always wanted to leave family gatherings at my grandmother's house early (he always took his own car to the gatherings, another "hmmm"). The whole family including myself witnessed this on numerous occasions and no one thought anything of it. He always said he was tired/had a headache/had to wake up early the next day. When he finally was forced to come clean about everything he admitted that he really went to see her on holidays.

The woman he was was having an affair with was ALSO married. She had been invited into my aunt's home on more than one occasion. Her husband is now suing my uncle. Had no idea you could sue for cheating, but apparently you can! My aunt and uncle are in the middle of a VERY bitter divorce, and as far as I know he is still dating that woman.

It was pretty hard for me since my uncle and I got along very well. Actually, the last time I was there visiting (I live in another state) I stopped by the house (my aunt had already moved out) and the woman was there. She was extremely fake and smiley. When I left I realized that I had accidently left my keys in the house, and so I let myself back in so I could go get them. I guess I wasn't thinking, because I had always just walked right in. Anyway, she gave me a pretty dirty look when I did that. Meanwhile, she's in my aunts house with my aunt's paint on the walls sitting on my aunt's couch eating out of my aunt's cookware and watching my aunt's tv. Needless to say, I wanted to punch her. lol.

 

[Beacon]

Oh Luckystar that is a fascinating story. So your Aunt was one of the ladies whose husband treated her like a queen while carrying on the affair. It does sometimes happen like that.

I never knew a person could sue over an affair either. Well, I suppose anyone can sue someone, but winning is another matter.

Sounds like your Uncle was in love with both of them. It's a sad, weird situation. Your story about leaving your keys in your Aunt's house is quite something. Of course you would just let yourself in, it's a family home! But the new lady there probably was not at all used to it.

I hope that your Aunt and Uncle sort out their situation with minimal fallout to the rest of the family. It's the kind of story that does make one think. This affair went on for years and no one was particulary bothered until it was exposed and then all heck broke loose. Which was better, the secret affair with a harmonious home (fascade) or the broken homes, lawsuits, divorces etc that followed after it was disclosed?

Amazing tale.

 

[Sabine]

Oh my goodness, I''m so sorry that this is happening to you and that you had to find out that way! I can''t imagine what you''re feeling. But I can tell from the progession of your posts that you are becoming increasingly upset as you imagine what different possibilities there are. The only thing I feel strong enough to advise you on is to please find some answers for yourself. Doubt is an evil thing that can drive people crazy, and this has obviously shaken you enough to make you doubt your marriage, so no matter when it happened, you need to find out the truth. I wish you the best of luck no matter how it turns out.

 

[diamondfan]

First, it was just odd you running into her to have her say this, not knowing you two are married. So, on one hand, it was an accident, she did not tell you knowing you two were together. Little help, but at least hopefully just big mouthitis and not malice.

Second, dating or married, if you thought you two were only dating each other, this is not okay. If you had a casual thing going and seeing others was okay to each of you, fine, but is does not sound like this to me at all. To find out you were in a "race" or some sort of triangle and did not know it is tough for sure. Did she know about you? Just wondering. He was not on the up and up about it, that is not in debate. And while no, you cannot undo what he did, it does sort of undermine your trust foundation, which has far reaching effects. I do not think talking it about will erase how you feel. But think it is worse to know this and not say it, look at him and constantly think about it. Much better to have a conversation, and tell him how you feel. Again, to me, as long as he truly loves you and has been a faithful husband, hopefully you can put it in a place where you can live with it. All marriages can have bad things happen, and granted, this was before you were married, but if you felt you two were exclusive and in love, it is not right that he did it. And maybe he was really torn and struggling, and you can look back and forgive, but only you know how you feel. Good luck, this is not an easy or simple fix for sure.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, this is a terrible situation. I know that I would 100% confront him with this information. I couldn''t possibly keep this in and not have it horribly affect me, my happiness and my relationship. I doubt you could keep it in and not have it affect you, too, but I''m totally assuming because of course I don''t know you personally. Even if you could keep it in, I think it would be very harmful to your overall mental and probably physical health.

I agree with Indy Gal-this is sustained deception that is, in my opinion, more worrisome than a one night stand type of cheating. Of course, that is unacceptable also, but the two are pretty different, I think. I would be questioning every second of my relationship if I was in your position. I also agree with whoever said that it seems like you were meant to know. To me, that coincidence makes me think that you should definitely be seriously looking back on everything in your past (as well as looking into your current relationship) to make sure he really is trustworthy and hasn''t deceived you more than just that one time.

And not to throw fuel on the fire, but the MySpace thing is really worrisome to me. First of all, at 37 years old, isn''t he a little old to be on MySpace? That alone would make me wonder what his intentions for MySpace are...but I am a suspicious type. Also, the vague/unhappy e-mail he sent to her seems very suspect.

I''m so sorry you''re having to deal with this, especially in one of the happiest years of your marriage. I hope you have the strength to move past this, whether that means staying with him and working it out or possibly not staying with him. I would also suggest counseling for you and possible the both of you if you decide to stay with him and work through this.

 

[diamondfan]

The Myspace thing and emailing an ex would not thrill me, but again, you need to talk it out. Honestly, that would really upset me, since one can cheat without ever being phsycial. So for sure this is something that needs to be discussed.


Lucky, you can name someone as corespondent in a divorce and sue for alienation of affection. We have a weird suit here now where a couple got a teacher fired. She sued, and they are countersuing saying loss of marital congress (it is her fault they do not have sex anymore!!!!). It was in our paper.

 

[Beacon]

The Myspace communication is not very good, I agree, but since she already brought it up to him and all that happened was a big fight, what can she do?

DF, I think only a very few states still allow alienation of affection suits. Thank goodness, they sound pretty crazy

 

[diamondfan]

I know it caused a fight, but I am sorry to say if it is something that bothers her, she has a right to say so. And maybe it caused a huge fight because he is hiding something, which might have caused him to really overreact because he feels guilt. Total speculation of course, since I do not know either of them, but in marriage one must feel able to express themselves. If the fact that she knows this now, coupled with some other facts, makes her doubt things or be upset, it is totally relevant and he should respect that. You cannot go around in a marriage being afraid to say something or it will build up over time and be worse.

I did not know what states have that, but thought it interesting. I guess to someone who has a cheating spouse, it is easy for them to totally want to blame the other person involved.

 

[lauralu]

First off, I am so very sorry this has happened. I have not had someone cheat on me. However, I have been shaken to my core by lies in a relationship. Cheating is not the only way to shake you to your core and make you question everything about yourself, your significant other,your whole entire
life.

In my opinion. What I would do, is get someone to watch the children and talk to your husband. Think about everything you have to ask him. Write it all down. Stay on track and try not to use major put downs and low blows. The less emotion you show the more you will get out of him. Men tend to shut down or say things they think we want to hear even if it's not the truth when we are overly emotional. Think it through and just get it all out.

Where it goes and what it brings as far as your marriage goes will depend alot on how he reacts and what he has to say about it all. It will be in his hands to make it right. YOU CANNOT in my opinion. NOT open this door. He already opened it along time agao and it's been open since. When he did not give you the choice of being a willing partner in a relationship that he could not decide what he wanted in.

Yes he choose you. That you can have confidence in. Though how he got to that decision was through deception at your expense.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. I know you have children and have had a long marriage together. However, I also know how lies and deceit even from years ago can fester and drive a wedge in between people. Nothing good ever comes of keeping things to yourself that are hurting you and eating you up inside. It only makes a bigger hole in your heart.

Maybe, after getting things out in the open, his answers and how he conducts himself will be enough to start the healing in your heart.

There is no doubt getting past this will take both of you.

Take care.....god bless

Good Luck to you. I hope you find peace in all of this when all is said and done.

 

[needadvice770]

Thank you all. Today, I really feel emotional about all of this. I wrote down a letter last night, while in bed to DH. I wasn''t intending on giving it to him, just trying to get some feelings out. He noticed I was writing and asked me again what was wrong - clearly, he was annoyed. I said I was tired and then took some sleep aid and went bed.

This morning, I sent him an email and told him that indeed, something was bothering me, and that once I found my bearings, I''d talk with him. When I didn''t get a response from him, I sent him another email 30 minutes later - "did you get my email".

And I got an email back from him- MAD AS HELL! He took my journal w/him to work and read my damn journal entry after getting my email...

" i''m actually incensed over this already and we haven''t even spoken about it. i can''t handle it. i pour my heart and soul - EVERYTHING i have - into taking care of you and our children. i give you all that i am on a daily basis. i have never loved, cared for, or worked so hard for someone else in my life - and, no matter what happens in our future - never plan to do so for anyone else. i''ve had my fill. what you take from her b.s. mouth is your business. i have proven my love, devotion, desire, respect for you. your trust in my love for you is up to you. i can do no more than i have. i refuse to be held hostage by her b.s. for the rest of my life. as i said, i am furious right now and you probably don''t want to talk to me about it. you make your own decision about me, and whether you want to trust me and believe in my love/dedication."

We haven''t spoke since.

 

[Skippy123]

Is he at work right now??? I would talk to him tonight, hang in there. I think it is a bad idea to argue while one person is at work.

 

[decodelighted]

I''d be furious that he took my journal ... but I can see why he did. It''s like he sensed something was up & then you wouldn''t tell him. The same instinct that made you read the Myspace stuff once your suspicions were aroused.

OOOOOOF. I don''t really know what to say. Because I don''t know what your journal/letter said or what he''s reacting to exactly.

If he''s innocent of anything "new", but feeling guilty/helpless about the past incident -- I can see where he''d feel ambushed & upset & defensive etc. Hopefully it will pass ... the emotion rush ... for both of you ... and you can speak rationally about where to go from here THEN.