What to do - Just found out DH cheated on me
- Thread starter needadvice770
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surfgirl
Ideal_Rock
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I''m sorry you''re going through this but it seems beyond the capacity of you and he to talk this through rationally right now. I do hope you will seek some professional assistance to help you get through this. His reaction is indeed worrying and it may be that there is something more to it on his side, or he may simply be feeling like he got caught and is angry and buying time to think of how to justify his behaviors. Either way, you seem like you need to talk to someone professional to help you through this. Best of luck...
FireGoddess
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Me too...it''s been concerning me that we haven''t heard anything since the day of the journal... hope you''re okay...
Independent Gal
Ideal_Rock
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...and me. Hope things are going OK, that there was no real cause for suspicion, and that this can all be talked through without permanent damage.
Haven
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Just wanted to pop in and say I''m thinking about you, Needadvice. It''s clear that you have an overwhelming amount of things to think about and deal with right now; please remember that you will get through this, and whatever decision you make should be a choice for the best life for yourself. I know it may not seem like it right now, but there is an end to this horrible situation and you will find yourself there one day and this will all be a memory of a difficult period in your life.
Pandora--I''m so sorry to hear about your experience with your ex. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Good luck, Needadvice. Big hugs.
Pandora--I''m so sorry to hear about your experience with your ex. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Good luck, Needadvice. Big hugs.
Pandora II
Ideal_Rock
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Hope you are doing okay.
Try and sign in if you can to let us know how you are doing.
Look after yourself
H
Try and sign in if you can to let us know how you are doing.
Look after yourself
H
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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i haven't scrutinized the posts but i found his letter/email to you interesting.
everyone here is saying that his reaction and his lashing out and trying to blame you is inappropriate. there is this radio station near me that does something called the Love Trap. usually it's women who call in and say they want to find out if their husband/boyfriend/whatever is faithful. so the radio station calls the guy and tells him he has won flowers/a trip/whatever and who would he like to book the trip with/send the flowers to etc. many times they only air the ones who are cheating or give a diff name than their spouse/gf so those are the ones i really hear. but it's amazing...when the radio station calls the men back or tells them (with the spouse/gf on the phone) that they have been part of this love trap thing, the men flip out! so many of them get angry at the spouse/gf/radio station for 'doing this to them' that you really scratch your head. my first reaction is the same as everyone on here. hey buddy you did something wrong, not her. sure she doubted you and didn't have the guts to ask flat out or maybe she did and you denied it, no one wants to be outed on a radio station....but you still were the one stepping out and doing all the bad stuff....so how is it HER fault that you were outed? the guys are always so angry, can't believe she'd do this to him, why are you going through my stuff or whatever.
in your husband's email, i can feel the hurt in his tone. yes maybe he is putting a bit too much blame on you, but he also sounds upset that you would doubt him after he feels like he has given his all for you and the kids. maybe some of that is his guilt speaking, he feels like he has more than 'made up for' what he did way back when even if you didn't know about it til now. while i wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he's done this since then or freak about 10 years of marriage and 'who know what', i would definitely agree to discuss it with him, and if you can't do it together amicably, get a counselor or third party involved. and not someone on your side or his. you two are married, you have to try to get to the bottom of the feelings involved here.
i would really hate to see you throw away so many years and a happy family with this man over something that happened so long ago, but it sounds like you two still have issues to work out anyway from what you have said in your posts and how he reacted, so take this opportunity to make your marriage stronger. i don't know if you can get all the trust back, but you two have to confront this at some point to see if you can even try. good luck.
everyone here is saying that his reaction and his lashing out and trying to blame you is inappropriate. there is this radio station near me that does something called the Love Trap. usually it's women who call in and say they want to find out if their husband/boyfriend/whatever is faithful. so the radio station calls the guy and tells him he has won flowers/a trip/whatever and who would he like to book the trip with/send the flowers to etc. many times they only air the ones who are cheating or give a diff name than their spouse/gf so those are the ones i really hear. but it's amazing...when the radio station calls the men back or tells them (with the spouse/gf on the phone) that they have been part of this love trap thing, the men flip out! so many of them get angry at the spouse/gf/radio station for 'doing this to them' that you really scratch your head. my first reaction is the same as everyone on here. hey buddy you did something wrong, not her. sure she doubted you and didn't have the guts to ask flat out or maybe she did and you denied it, no one wants to be outed on a radio station....but you still were the one stepping out and doing all the bad stuff....so how is it HER fault that you were outed? the guys are always so angry, can't believe she'd do this to him, why are you going through my stuff or whatever.
in your husband's email, i can feel the hurt in his tone. yes maybe he is putting a bit too much blame on you, but he also sounds upset that you would doubt him after he feels like he has given his all for you and the kids. maybe some of that is his guilt speaking, he feels like he has more than 'made up for' what he did way back when even if you didn't know about it til now. while i wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he's done this since then or freak about 10 years of marriage and 'who know what', i would definitely agree to discuss it with him, and if you can't do it together amicably, get a counselor or third party involved. and not someone on your side or his. you two are married, you have to try to get to the bottom of the feelings involved here.
i would really hate to see you throw away so many years and a happy family with this man over something that happened so long ago, but it sounds like you two still have issues to work out anyway from what you have said in your posts and how he reacted, so take this opportunity to make your marriage stronger. i don't know if you can get all the trust back, but you two have to confront this at some point to see if you can even try. good luck.
needadvice770
Rough_Rock
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Thank you all so much for your kind words. I feel grateful to have a place I can go to for advice. I haven''t spoken about this situation to any of my friends or realitives as it would just turn into hurtful gossip and I know friends and family would all pass judgement, no matter the turn out. I''ve found that in marriage - it''s best to keep most issues just btwn us.
DH and I have had many talks the last several days. I''m going to try to give the short version, but yes, DH was torn when we first started dating. He was still not over his ex and she was wanting to get back together. He did talk to his ex on a regular basis and she did visit him out of town and spend the night with him, but they did not sleep together - he slept on the sofa. He said he did not tell me at the tiem because he was unsure about what direction to take and he afraid I''d leave him. (True) He felt terribly guilty over the whole thing and in the end, he said that he realized more and more each day how much he loved me and that I loved him, so he ended it.
It does make waves for us to know this, but honestly, I love my husband and he loves me, not doubt about it. Bottom line is that we''ll do whatever we have to do to make our relationship all it can be - all that we deserve. I forgive him for it. I won''t forget, but I will forgive. Healing will take time but we''re commited for life. I''m commited to him - as I have always been.
Thank you all, again. You''ve all helped me when I could not turn to anyone else. I''ll pay that forward.
DH and I have had many talks the last several days. I''m going to try to give the short version, but yes, DH was torn when we first started dating. He was still not over his ex and she was wanting to get back together. He did talk to his ex on a regular basis and she did visit him out of town and spend the night with him, but they did not sleep together - he slept on the sofa. He said he did not tell me at the tiem because he was unsure about what direction to take and he afraid I''d leave him. (True) He felt terribly guilty over the whole thing and in the end, he said that he realized more and more each day how much he loved me and that I loved him, so he ended it.
It does make waves for us to know this, but honestly, I love my husband and he loves me, not doubt about it. Bottom line is that we''ll do whatever we have to do to make our relationship all it can be - all that we deserve. I forgive him for it. I won''t forget, but I will forgive. Healing will take time but we''re commited for life. I''m commited to him - as I have always been.
Thank you all, again. You''ve all helped me when I could not turn to anyone else. I''ll pay that forward.
KimberlyH
Ideal_Rock
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I am so glad you and your husband were able to talk about this, and more importantly that you, the couple you, are going to be okay. I'm sure this has been quite a difficult time for you, what courage you have to want to work things through, to communicate and make this better as a couple, that is the stuff that good marriages are made of. My best to you.
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I was really worried about you and am VERY relieved to hear that things are okay. Take care and thank you for coming back to let us know. {{{{{big hug}}}}}} I wish you a long and happy marriage!
onedrop
Ideal_Rock
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Your last post sounds very, very postive! It''s wonderful to know that you two have come to some understanding and have decided to move forward with your marriage. You had an unfortunate bump in the road, but it seems that there were some positive things to come out of the tough times. Best wishes to you!
Erin
Ideal_Rock
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I am also relieved to hear that you were able to work things out. Seems like you''ve made it through marriage where other''s have given up and I''d hate to hear that you found something you couldn''t overcome.
Congratulations and may this be a turning point where your connection grows stronger because of it.
Congratulations and may this be a turning point where your connection grows stronger because of it.
diamondfan
Super_Ideal_Rock
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I am very happy you are in a good place. Forgiving, trusting and healing do take time, but you are both in it together! I am glad that you are choosing to work on things, and remember that communication is the most important thing, aside from loving each other and being commited. Good luck on the journey and know it is okay to have been upset, but moving forward is healthy now too.
FireGoddess
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Thanks for updating us. I''m glad to hear that you are taking the first steps to healing together.
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