What to do - Just found out DH cheated on me

[needadvice770]

For obvious reasons, I''ve created a new user account so that I could come here anonymously - and ask for advice. I''m far too humiliated to talk to anyone else at the moment. And I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with this all out in the open.

DH and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 children.

I just found out through a mutual friend that DH cheated on while we were dating with his ex prior to dating me. He was engaged to this woman shortly before we started dating. I''m devastated. I can''t even look DH in the eye. I haven''t confronted him yet because I don''t know how to handle it. According to our friend - DH was torn btwn me and the ex for sometime. All the while he was confessing his love to me; he was doing to same to her. He ended it with her after 6-8 months because he finally realized how much in love he was with me and wanted to be with me

There is a lot more detail and it''s not just this simple, but this is it in a nutshell. I feel like our whole dating life was a sham and that our marriage was based on a lie.

This last year has been one of the best years of our marriage and we were working on another child. I''m so confused. Do I just let it go - it was long ago. Do I confront him? It will be a fight and I don''t know if he will be honest.

Any advice, please. I can''t stop crying.

 

[oobiecoo]

I would talk to him calmly about the situation. You have the right to be upset, but it was several years ago. I''m not trying to make it sounds insignificant, but I think that as long as he isn''t dealing with the same issues still then its not something a few long talks can''t work through. If he is catholic (or even not!), going to confession can help start the healing process. I''m sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[lyra]

I''m sorry you''re going through this. I have to wonder why this person felt they had to even tell you about this. I don''t think a true friend would hurt you like that. I''d rather have not known that have to be where you are at right now. That''s awful.

I don''t know what to advise. He chose you. He married you. He had children with you, and I assume everything has been fine while you have been married. Would you feel better discussing it with him, or do you think that it would just cause a big rift? It was a long time ago. I''m sure he''s grown a lot since then, but I don''t know your situation. Give it a bit of time and calm down before you make any decisions about what to do. Take care.

 

[decodelighted]

Well, that''s a shocking upsetting thing to hear. I''m sorry you have to deal with that! First I''d wonder how accurate the info is? How reliable is this friend and what are the motivations for coming forward with this NOW .. 10 years later?? More??

Assuming it''s accurate -- I''d urge you to keep it in perspective. Cheating on a girlfriend with an ex-fiance ... being torn between two people & then choosing. That''s SO DIFFERENT than cheating on a WIFE. Not "good" obvs ... but *different*. Perhaps forgivable?

Don''t do anything rash & give yourself time to think & talk to trusted friends.

**HUG**

 

[Kaleigh]

First of all I am sorry, really and truly. BUT, this happened while you were dating, not saying that doesn't count or anything. But it's not like he cheated on you since you were married. Why did your friend decide to tell you this now, and not before, I am scratching my head with this one. Are you sure it's true??

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 11/5/2007 7:12:35 PM
Author: decodelighted
Well, that''s a shocking upsetting thing to hear. I''m sorry you have to deal with that! First I''d wonder how accurate the info is? How reliable is this friend and what are the motivations for coming forward with this NOW .. 10 years later?? More??

Assuming it''s accurate -- I''d urge you to keep it in perspective. Cheating on a girlfriend with an ex-fiance ... being torn between two people & then choosing. That''s SO DIFFERENT than cheating on a WIFE. Not ''good'' obvs ... but *different*. Perhaps forgivable?

Don''t do anything rash & give yourself time to think & talk to trusted friends.

**HUG**

I agree with Deco and the others. I think it''s wrong and I''m sorry you''re going through this. I do think that cheating while you''re dating seems a tad more forgiveable than if your husband had done it after you got married. WHy are you just finding out about this now, so long after the fact? What can be gained (wrong word?) from learning about this now?

 

[FireGoddess]

That is a very upsetting thing to hear, no matter how much time has passed. I do also have to question the friend that told you this information after so much time. It would be one thing if he were still cheating on you. But if it really happened almost a decade ago and while you were still dating, and not married, then what good would telling you now be? That is rather suspect. Don''t get me wrong - it was the wrong thing to do no matter WHEN he did it. But I''d be lying if I didn''t admit I was relieved(?) to hear this situation versus one where your husband would CURRENTLY be cheating on you.

I''d take some time to process the info. But if you can''t even look at him then clearly he is going to realize something is wrong sooner rather than later. I''d at least give yourself enough time that you can talk to him about it rationally. The facts are that (1) it was a LONG time ago (2) he hasn''t (we hope) done anything of the sort ever since (3) he can''t DO anything to take it back or ''fix'' it now. The best you can hope for at this time is an apology, because he should be sorry. But there''s not much more that can be done about it if that was the extent of his indiscretion.

Can you trust him? That is the key thing here. If he has acted honestly throughout your engagement and marriage, well, then I personally think that this is something you can get past. If not, then the cheating during dating would be the least of the issues.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ditto to all of the above. I am sure it was a shock, but this all happened before you were married. He broke up with her and he married you. I certainly do not agree that the marriage was a lie unless he was having the other relationship at the time of the marriage. It was a long time ago. My advice is to forgive him and live for today. I also question what kind of friend this is. If she chose not to tell you at the time, then my opinion is that she should have kept her mouth shut!! And, who knows how much of it is true anyway. Don't let this ruin a good marriage.

One more thing...I wouldn't tell anyone in your real life. People make judgments about other people in these situations, and it is probably going to be easier on you to limit the spread of this information.

 

[Jas12]

I agree with most of what is said--it is still awful, but depending on what you consider ''dating'' -for me that would determin the severity of the act. Was it casual or really committed dating ?
(for example, I dated my DH for many years prior to marriage, lived together, bought a house etc. etc.--if he cheated on me during that time I would consider it cheating on a marriage--no certificate, but surely the same level of commitment. If however, we were casual, weekend daters getting to know each other etc. I would consider his act more forgivable.

One thing I did notice about your post--you said you had ''the best year ever'' this past year--to me that signifies you have had some issues you were working on. If you decide you can stay married to him, I would get some serious counseling to help you deal with the anger and trust issues you will now face in addition to the usual marrital strife in your relationship.

As for the ''friend'' I think you better make absolute certain she has her story straight

I

 

[diamondseeker2006]

If he has been faithful since the wedding, I do not see that she has a big problem with trust. They have been married for 10 years! He was engaged to the other woman first and obviously loved her until needadvice came along. I''m not excusing it, but I can see how it happened. Now if he was continuing the relationship after they were engaged and married, then that would be entirely different. But according to the post, it sounds like he really broke up with the old fiance to pursue a lasting relationship with needadvice.

 

[LadyAmythyst69]

I think everyone has been giving good advice. I think you just need to look at your marriage as what counts. It sounds like he has been proving that he took his vows seriously. Sometimes people find themselves in confusing situations and maybe he wasn''t as mature about dealing with it back then. It sounds like he sorted out his confusion, made his choice and stuck with it. I''m sure that time and life have made him a more mature person since all of the "dating stuff" happened. As long as you are secure in the relationship you have now then I think you will be okay. You should probably talk to him about it just to clear the air and give him a chance to comfort you. But try to keep in mind all the good years you have had together.

 

[swingirl]

Without reading all the other responses I want to say sorry that you had to find out this information and it was cruel of this mutual "friend" to spoil youir marrige with nasty gossip. If I were you I''d calmly say to my husband, "so-and-so told me this awful story and it would really hurt me and our marriage if I thought it was true. But I don''t believe it because you have been such a good husband for the past 8 years." Then leave it alone.

But honestly, for you, your kids and the life you have planned it doesn''t make sense to throw it away for something that happened 8 years ago. Too many single parents, too many step-parents, too many divorce lawyers out there. Your marriage is based on what you have today and if what you have today is good then keep it. I hope you can resolve this and move on with your life. I am sorry you have to deal with this. But, you know, it might not even be true.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I am sorry to hear about your news, and I can sympathize. My husband had a "fling" while we were dating, before we were engaged. When I found out I was fuming - to the point of not wanting to be with him anymore. However, we talked it over and decided that our relationship was stronger than that. It was while we were dating and he''s been faithful in marriage and I trust him 100%. Please talk to your husband rationally about this and if it helps seek help from your local priest, rabbi, or counselor. Keep your chin up and have confidence in your marriage vows.

~Jess~

 

[Haven]

Date: 11/5/2007 7:12:35 PM
Author: decodelighted
Well, that''s a shocking upsetting thing to hear. I''m sorry you have to deal with that! First I''d wonder how accurate the info is? How reliable is this friend and what are the motivations for coming forward with this NOW .. 10 years later?? More??


Assuming it''s accurate -- I''d urge you to keep it in perspective. Cheating on a girlfriend with an ex-fiance ... being torn between two people & then choosing. That''s SO DIFFERENT than cheating on a WIFE. Not ''good'' obvs ... but *different*. Perhaps forgivable?


Don''t do anything rash & give yourself time to think & talk to trusted friends.


**HUG**

Ditto.

I''m so sorry that you are dealing witht his right now, and I wish you all the best in dealing with this hurtful information.

 

[diamondfan]

I think the issue of the cheating, while devastating, is in the past and while I would not be happy about it I might be able to get over it since it was before we were married. That said, I would have a problem with feeling like my relationship was not on an even keel. That is why I would bring it up, and try to be at peace with it. How has he been as your husband and father these last years? If he has not be unfaithful in years and years, and you do love him, and he you, I might try to make it work but I would have discussions and be open about this. It is too important not to. As for your friend's motives, all these years later, to tell this to you...I am not sure, since as long as he is faithful as a husband, it is not helpful information for you. You have a family, and it does not really do much now.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 11/5/2007 7:43:07 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
If he has been faithful since the wedding, I do not see that she has a big problem with trust. They have been married for 10 years! He was engaged to the other woman first and obviously loved her until needadvice came along. I'm not excusing it, but I can see how it happened. Now if he was continuing the relationship after they were engaged and married, then that would be entirely different. But according to the post, it sounds like he really broke up with the old fiance to pursue a lasting relationship with needadvice.

Diamondseeker, I don't know if you were responding to my post or not, but it sounds like you were. However, what you wrote here WAS EXACTLY my point. In her original post she mentioned that she feels her whole dating life was a sham and that her marriage was based on a lie. The paragraph about trust was to point out that if this is the only issue, it is something to get past, but if there were more indiscretions later on, that would be a reason to have a trust issue, or feel that her 'marriage is based on a lie.'

 

[door knob solitaire]

I too am really sorry you are dealing with this. And that you have taken it to such an extent of such pain you can't even face him.

I say yes you can look him in the eye. And when you do...you remember the trips to the pharmacy he took, or the flat tire he fixed for you, or that special birthday gift he gave you 3 years ago, or the last slice of pizza he offered you. That is my advice. Think back through the years and focus on what this man has done to earn your trust as a married couple. Look into the eyes of his that are protective of you in the winter weather road conditions. Or how he turns on the coffee pot just for you...or what about finding the toilet seat down...this guy has earned your trust. He has displayed it many times over the years.

That is what you see when you look into his eyes. And you come away grateful. Grateful that while you were in the DATING period of your relationship he MADE sure he was ready to commit to you in the way he knew marriage was meant to be.

Be thankful that that woman was available. Not kidding. It was the time he spent with her...that made him dedicated and loving and faithful to you. She made him the husband he is today. Really. It takes relationships to confirm which ones are real and to keep...and which ones to leave. He left her-she didn't make the cut. And how did he know she wasn't a keeper? He had you to realize what a keeper was.

Sweetie, that period called dating....is just that. Exclusivity is for marriage.

DKS

I would be far more injured learning my friend thought this information was edifying to me. Whew...I would hate to have your enemies!

 

[diamondfan]

If someone cheated on me, married or not, I would not be okay with things. If we were dating exlusively, it would still be a violation. However, finding out all these years later when you have a family and have had a good marriage, I would try to find a way to cope. Now, if I had found out DURING, things might have been different, and I would not have just overlooked it, but now, he did marry you and you two have children, so it is so worth talking it through.

 

[Erin]

I ditto everything that everyone has said.

My big concern is that you will probably have to talk to him about this in order to move on. Even if it''s just to say I know about it, I don''t like it, and I hate that you''ve lied to me about it all these years.

But at some point all he has left to say is "I''m sorry" and that''s all you get. And that''s all he can say. And that has to be enough. I think that would be really hard. But if you''re going to have this discussion with him, and I think you should, you have to be prepared to be strong enough to accept his apology and move on. Not hold it over his head, not bring it up in unrelated arguments, not let it control your worries as to whether or not he''ll do it again. Be brave enough to accept that nothing can be done to make you all that much better about what he did except "I''m sorry." And of course he better pitch in around the house a little more, laundry, make dinner, vacuum, that''s just me though

Oh, and tell your friend she''s a

 

[Madam Bijoux]

He was less than open with you about the ex, but if he has been a good husband, I would try my best to shrug it off. As everyone said, it was a long time ago and it happened before you were married. I am wondering about the motives of the person who told you this.

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/6/2007 8:16:01 AM
Author: diamondfan
If someone cheated on me, married or not, I would not be okay with things. If we were dating exlusively, it would still be a violation. However, finding out all these years later when you have a family and have had a good marriage, I would try to find a way to cope. Now, if I had found out DURING, things might have been different, and I would not have just overlooked it, but now, he did marry you and you two have children, so it is so worth talking it through.

ditto to this. I also find it strange that the friend only told you now.

 

[onedrop]

How awful it is to hear this news. Like others, I am befuddled as to why this "friend" would bring this issue up after so many years. In response to the "friend''s" revelation, this is a clear case for letting sleeping dogs lie.

Many others have provided good advice here and I could do nothing to improve upon that. However, I wanted to touch upon your question about confronting your husband about the cheating. While this incident happened years and years ago before you married, it doesn''t change the fact that it happened. And now after several years you have been made aware of the situation. If knowing about the cheating and not telling is going to eat at you, I say confront him. Confrontation may open the door for full disclosure, and for you to move on from this. Though with the advice to confront, I also offer this caveat, take some time to sort out your feelings before confronting him (if you choose to). As you said in your post this has been "best year" of your marriage, do you really want to throw it all away over something that happened long ago? Not advocating either way, just making a point.

Again I am SO sorry to hear about this situation, my thoughts go out to you as you try to deal with everything.

 

[KimberlyH]

I wouldn't confront him, which sounds like asking for a fight, I would talk to him about it though. If I were in your shoes I would say something like "I love you. someone shared with me that X happened and I want to talk to you about it because I am unsure if it is true and very upset."

 

[onedrop]

Date: 11/6/2007 9:32:40 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I wouldn''t confront him, which sounds like asking for a fight, I would talk to him about it though. If I were in your shoes I would say something like ''I love you. someone shared with me that X happened and I want to talk to you about it because I am unsure if it is true and very upset.''

I agree with this as well. My earlier post said "confront" but I what I truly meant was bring the newly discovered information and your feelings to his attention. Confrontation rarely ends on a postive note.

 

[gailrmv]

I'm not sure your friend is being truthful. Why would she bring this up now? Could she have ulterior motivations (to hurt you, or your marriage?) I'd try to put it behind me if I could.
ETA I like KimberlyH's advice.

 

[needadvice770]

I know you’re all wondering about this “mutual friend”. I didn’t elaborate as I wanted to give the nutshell version.

The mutual friend was the girlfriend of my DH’s college roommate. I hadn’t seen her since graduation.

Sunday, I ran into her at Target. She asked how I was, and I said great - married, kids…all the good stuff. She asked me if I still talked to anyone from the gang of friends we hung out – small talk. Then asked me if I knew what ever happened to “John” (my DH). She followed-up her inquiry with, “He was such an a$$ - I never liked him.”

I was shocked but in that moment, but for some reason, I just played along. “You didn’t like John? Why?”

“I was sick of always hiding his secrets and lying for him. Y’know he was seeing “Jessica” the entire time you guys were dating in college? I so close to telling you but my boyfriend had me promise to keep his secret.”

That’s when I told her that I was indeed married to “John”. But of course, the look in my face must have given it away. She apologized and said that it was so long ago, that she didn’t think I’d still be with him. She was very embarrassed. She felt really bad and I just felt sick. We ended up at Starbucks for about a hour and that’s when she told me all that she knew – of course, all the while telling me that it was so long ago and that I shouldn’t hold it against John now. I acted amused by the story as I didn’t want to give away the depth of my pain and I felt that if I did, she would hold back on what she knew. She left it by saying that he chose me and that that’s what’s important. I could tell she was very uncomfortable. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in touch, but I’m sure I won’t be hearing from her.

I couldn’t wait to get to my car to cry. I ran though our dating life, play by play in my head – looking for any clues. I kept telling myself that this was so long ago, that it shouldn’t matter NOW, but I’m so angry and hurt to think of how all these wonderful memories of DH and I dating – were all a sham – ruined with the thought of the ex spending the night with him while I was away.

And yes, John and I have not had an easy marriage. We’ve struggled to work on our communication. We’ve had issues with treating one another respectfully. But we’ve never had to deal with anything major – nothing that couldn’t be fixed with some behavior modification. And we BOTH wanted to work on that. This last year has been great. We’ve finally got to the point where we can talk to one another w/o yelling when we disagree. We’ve also been more affectionate with one another, which was something we both really missed – the kisses good-bye, the kisses goodnight – the “I love you” emails and flowers just because…..But that’s another discussion. The point is that we’ve worked hard on reconnecting with one another and this last year and it’s been very happy one for us.

I just don’t know how to handle this. I decided that I wasn’t ready to confront DH last night. I’m not going to get into this when our children are around. Maybe this weekend I can see if my Aunt will watch the kids so DH and I can talk. I just need to sort out my own head. I really want to think about what I’m going to say – and not just blurt out all the feelings.

 

[Skippy123]

Well, you are married and have kids and this happened before then so I would talk to your husband. I think if it happened during the marriage that is a different story; it still was wrong but I would also seek the help of a counselor so she/he can help you sort out your feelings.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 11/5/2007 7:43:07 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
If he has been faithful since the wedding, I do not see that she has a big problem with trust. They have been married for 10 years! He was engaged to the other woman first and obviously loved her until needadvice came along. I''m not excusing it, but I can see how it happened. Now if he was continuing the relationship after they were engaged and married, then that would be entirely different. But according to the post, it sounds like he really broke up with the old fiance to pursue a lasting relationship with needadvice.

I completely agree w/this.

 

[decodelighted]

Thanks for the extra info. It does help explain the context. Somehow knowing that this whole dating/cheating scenario happened while you were both still in college makes it even more forgivable/understandable .. JMHO. Just because he made some bad decisions when he was 20 (??) -- perhaps not even realizing he was doing that to his future life partner, or still trying to choose who that would be -- and just because one girl hates him because of how he was "back then" does NOT mean that''s who he STILL is, especially after all the work you''ve done to improve your relationship/communication. Growing up is freakin'' hard. We''re not born with charachter, we build it. I bet many of us are glad we don''t know EVERYTHING that went on while we were dating our sig. others.

Anyway. I hope you clear the air in a calm way that shows how you''re *feeling* without going directly to punishing him for being a stupid a** ten years ago in college. He can''t change it now. As much as he probably will wish he could.

 

[TravelingGal]

I''m not the person I was 10 years ago. Are you? Is anyone? Don''t let this long ago mistake completely derail your marriage.

I liked what DKS said, and I couldn''t agree more. "that period called dating....is just that. Exclusivity is for marriage."