were you ever upset about the sex of the baby?

[cdt1101]

Italia - thanks for the clarification. Knowing what you meant, I agree w/ you. Disappointment is one thing (and I think normal for most), but to cry and be depressed over it, that I cannot understand. I think most of us here will/have agreed.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 9/27/2009 11:36:52 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I think everyone has been very honest in this thread. And love that people can share their feelings here, without judgement.

For us, we really wanted a girl first. I was suprised my husband wanted a girl first, but he has two sister's so that's what he knows. When we found out we were having a girl, we were over the moon. The US tech, said well it;s looking like pink, but don't paint the room just yet....

My second pregnancy ended with a miscarriage. I was so sad.

I had an amnio with the third pregnancy, since DD was fighting an auto immune illness. Oh I was sooooo nervous about it, my husband was awesome. We got the call 2 weeks later all was great... And did we want to know the sex?? I said of course please!! She said you are having a boy!!! I was sooooo excited. So was hubby, he was over the moon. And DD?? Oh she was soooo excited to have a little brother!! She always talked about a little brother.

We are soooo blessed.

I agree, I think it is only natural to feel a little disappointed if someone wanted one sex or the other. I don't see anyone saying they didn't want there babies. I have had friends who have been disappointed and I never ever thought they were selfish; in fact these friends are quite the opposite. I think if mothers didn't want there children for that reason then that is selfish but being a little disappointed is only natural, especially since people go around predicting what they think you are having and getting you excited over girl clothes or a boy to carry on the name etc so their is a lot tied to the sex of a child.

 

[Mara]

re: the crying in disappointment when you find out...when i heard my coworker did it, my first reaction was... REALLY???? But the hormones ARE kinda outta control so that could be one reason.

Speaking of wanting one or the other and what you feel you 'know'...my Mom had 3 girls and my Dad always wanted a boy...poor guy. None of us feel bad about knowing that, he just wanted a son to do 'son things' with... it didn't devalue us at all in our minds. We all felt like he was SO LUCKY to have three girls hehee.

For our nugget, my Mom wanted a girl for us so badly. When I told her he was a boy, her first comment was 'Oh NO....I don't know how to clean a PENIS!!'... it was hilarious.

 

[meresal]

Date: 9/28/2009 3:45:05 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If I may...I can completely understand how people may feel that my view was 'harsh'...thinking a mother is selfish for sobbing over the gender of their impending baby...but come on ladies, lets get real here...I think it's awful that a mother-to-be would cry over the gender of her baby. Come on. That's awful. I think babies are blessings...but, if you're pregnant there are no guarantees...and esspecially not when it comes to gender. Having a 'wish' is fine, and if it's a cultural thing, that's perfectly fine...but to hope so hard for a particular gender that when you find out otherwise you're reduced to tears just seems to so wrong to me. Put that energy in to wanting a healthy baby, a happy baby.

I'm not saying that it's abnormal to desire a certain sex...but there has to be a point where it goes from normal to over the top. I think hysterics would be that line.

Just to ask, not trying to call you out ar anything

, what makes it being a "cultural thing" any better in your eyes? I don't understand that comment?

That is a preference just like any other, is it not? Just more widely known?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/28/2009 4:48:05 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 9/28/2009 3:45:05 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If I may...I can completely understand how people may feel that my view was ''harsh''...thinking a mother is selfish for sobbing over the gender of their impending baby...but come on ladies, lets get real here...I think it''s awful that a mother-to-be would cry over the gender of her baby. Come on. That''s awful. I think babies are blessings...but, if you''re pregnant there are no guarantees...and esspecially not when it comes to gender. Having a ''wish'' is fine, and if it''s a cultural thing, that''s perfectly fine...but to hope so hard for a particular gender that when you find out otherwise you''re reduced to tears just seems to so wrong to me. Put that energy in to wanting a healthy baby, a happy baby.

I''m not saying that it''s abnormal to desire a certain sex...but there has to be a point where it goes from normal to over the top. I think hysterics would be that line.

Just to ask, not trying to call you out ar anything

, what makes it being a ''cultural thing'' any better in your eyes? I don''t understand that comment?

That is a preference just like any other, is it not? Just more wide spread?

I don''t know about Italia''s reasoning, but I do know in asian cultures, many times it''s because the idea is that boys stay in the family, girls get married and become a part of someone else''s family. Asians may have business that they feel they will pass along to the men, as well as any financial support that they believe they will get in old age comes from their sons.

Old school thinking, I guess. Boys were necessary for the family to survive?

 

[Mandarine]

Date: 9/28/2009 4:30:12 PM
Author: Mara
re: the crying in disappointment when you find out...when i heard my coworker did it, my first reaction was... REALLY???? But the hormones ARE kinda outta control so that could be one reason.


For our nugget, my Mom wanted a girl for us so badly. When I told her he was a boy, her first comment was 'Oh NO....I don't know how to clean a PENIS!!'... it was hilarious.

buaahahaha, what your mom said was one of the first things I said when I found out I was having two boys!!!.


I admit I had a crying episode (this was a horrible visit to the OB though). The tech told me it *may* be boys, they may share a placenta, they may be identical and I was at risk for twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS). I got in the car and started crying. I wasn't sure what I was crying about, but I was sure the hormones had something to do with it!. I also knew TTTS scared me to death and yes, I was also a little disappointed that there wasn't one girl "in there".

Thankfully, the boys don't share a placenta and that was confirmed later...and later on it was confirmed that it was two boys. At that point though I was excited and just the look in DHs face was priceless...I could just picture my two boys growing up best friends.

Now I can't picture having anything else BUT two boys!!

All emotions go through stages...and so what if the first stage for some couples, after wanting something (for whatever reason) is disappointment. I am sure they will eventually come around to acceptance and eventually that will turn into excitement. It doesn't mean anything about how they feel about their child or the maturity level!. I am sure there are some extreme cases that we would all think are a little crazy...but that's not the majority and feeling a tad of disappointment or even shedding a couple of hormonal tears is nothing to be ashamed of!. At the end of the day, I assure you EVERYONE says their number one priority is that the child is healthy and happy...and will be loved just the same regardless!

 

[meresal]

Date: 9/28/2009 4:54:49 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/28/2009 4:48:05 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 9/28/2009 3:45:05 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If I may...I can completely understand how people may feel that my view was 'harsh'...thinking a mother is selfish for sobbing over the gender of their impending baby...but come on ladies, lets get real here...I think it's awful that a mother-to-be would cry over the gender of her baby. Come on. That's awful. I think babies are blessings...but, if you're pregnant there are no guarantees...and esspecially not when it comes to gender. Having a 'wish' is fine, and if it's a cultural thing, that's perfectly fine...but to hope so hard for a particular gender that when you find out otherwise you're reduced to tears just seems to so wrong to me. Put that energy in to wanting a healthy baby, a happy baby.

I'm not saying that it's abnormal to desire a certain sex...but there has to be a point where it goes from normal to over the top. I think hysterics would be that line.

Just to ask, not trying to call you out ar anything

, what makes it being a 'cultural thing' any better in your eyes? I don't understand that comment?

That is a preference just like any other, is it not? Just more wide spread?

I don't know about Italia's reasoning, but I do know in asian cultures, many times it's because the idea is that boys stay in the family, girls get married and become a part of someone else's family. Asians may have business that they feel they will pass along to the men, as well as any financial support that they believe they will get in old age comes from their sons.

Old school thinking, I guess. Boys were necessary for the family to survive?

TG, I totally understand that. I just don't understand what makes that any better, than say my husband and I, who are white Americans, wanting a son to pass my DH's family company on to? (Not that a girl couldn't do it, I am very much a feminist supporter... but it's an oil company and it's a "man's" world, especially in the machine shops and the fields.)

I just don't understand what makes the Asian culture views any more acceptable, just becuase they have been around longer? Does that make a little more sense?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/28/2009 5:00:16 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 9/28/2009 4:54:49 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/28/2009 4:48:05 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 9/28/2009 3:45:05 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If I may...I can completely understand how people may feel that my view was ''harsh''...thinking a mother is selfish for sobbing over the gender of their impending baby...but come on ladies, lets get real here...I think it''s awful that a mother-to-be would cry over the gender of her baby. Come on. That''s awful. I think babies are blessings...but, if you''re pregnant there are no guarantees...and esspecially not when it comes to gender. Having a ''wish'' is fine, and if it''s a cultural thing, that''s perfectly fine...but to hope so hard for a particular gender that when you find out otherwise you''re reduced to tears just seems to so wrong to me. Put that energy in to wanting a healthy baby, a happy baby.

I''m not saying that it''s abnormal to desire a certain sex...but there has to be a point where it goes from normal to over the top. I think hysterics would be that line.

Just to ask, not trying to call you out ar anything

, what makes it being a ''cultural thing'' any better in your eyes? I don''t understand that comment?

That is a preference just like any other, is it not? Just more wide spread?

I don''t know about Italia''s reasoning, but I do know in asian cultures, many times it''s because the idea is that boys stay in the family, girls get married and become a part of someone else''s family. Asians may have business that they feel they will pass along to the men, as well as any financial support that they believe they will get in old age comes from their sons.

Old school thinking, I guess. Boys were necessary for the family to survive?

TG, I totally understand that. I just don''t understand what makes that any better, than say my husband and I, who are white Americans, wanting a son to pass my DH''s family company on to? (Not that a girl couldn''t do it, I am very much a feminist supporter... but it''s an oil company and it''s a ''man''s'' world, especially in the machine shops and the fields.)

I just don''t understand what makes the Asian culture views any more acceptable, just becuase it has been around longer? Does that make a little more sense?

Well, I don''t think it makes it any better/acceptable - just piping in to expand on cultura reasoning.

But I do think you ask most white American parents, they do not think it''s their children''s duty to support them. The mindset is different. Many Asians do assume this - it''s a given in many families.

 

[vespergirl]

I really wanted a boy for my first child, and so did DH. We just had the "hunch" from the beginning that the baby was a boy, and he was. It was funny, though, because all of the grandparents wanted a girl. We are both from cultures where a boy would be preferred (to carry on the family name) but my parents already have a "name carrying" grandson so they really wanted a first granddaughter, and my husband''s parents really wanted us to have a girl because they always wanted a girl but had only sons, and our first baby was their first grandchild, so they told us that they hoped for a girl to make his mom happy. However, of course they are all ecstatic with our son & are totally in love with him.

Now that I''m 11 weeks pregnant with my second child, of course everyone is still dying for a girl (there are still no granddaughters on either side). For this pregnancy, I really don''t care what we have - I think it would be nice to have a girl, but I would also be thrilled to give my son a baby brother. Maybe it''s weird, but I''m one of the few women who never had the "urge" to have a daughter - I would be fine with all sons. My husband would really like a girl, but he thinks that we''re having a boy - that''s his hunch, but I really don''t have one yet. I think that I''ll just be surprised in a few weeks when we find out the gender at our ultrasound ... i would not be disappointed with either.

I do have some friends who had babies this year that were very disappointed with the gender, but once the baby came out, they got over it. As a mom, it''s hard not to love your baby, regardless of gender.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 9/28/2009 4:48:05 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 9/28/2009 3:45:05 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If I may...I can completely understand how people may feel that my view was ''harsh''...thinking a mother is selfish for sobbing over the gender of their impending baby...but come on ladies, lets get real here...I think it''s awful that a mother-to-be would cry over the gender of her baby. Come on. That''s awful. I think babies are blessings...but, if you''re pregnant there are no guarantees...and esspecially not when it comes to gender. Having a ''wish'' is fine, and if it''s a cultural thing, that''s perfectly fine...but to hope so hard for a particular gender that when you find out otherwise you''re reduced to tears just seems to so wrong to me. Put that energy in to wanting a healthy baby, a happy baby.

I''m not saying that it''s abnormal to desire a certain sex...but there has to be a point where it goes from normal to over the top. I think hysterics would be that line.

Just to ask, not trying to call you out ar anything

, what makes it being a ''cultural thing'' any better in your eyes? I don''t understand that comment?

That is a preference just like any other, is it not? Just more widely known?

I''m not well versed on the cultural need for a specfic gender...which is why I consider that to be something I have to be fine with. I don''t understand it, so who am I to judge.

However, as far as any old plain Jane and Joe making a baby and putting all their stock in one gender, it''s like I said...I don''t have an issue with someone wanting a girl or a boy for personal reasons...my issue is with the soon-to-be parents who get depressed and neurotic over the fall out when their wants are realized. That does and always will blow my mind. It''s basically the same thing as saying "a girl isn''t good enough, she''s not going to live up to our expectations" and, oh my God, she''s not even born yet! Give the girl a break! Babies in womb are very "aware" of the emotions of the mother...so I can imagine that the child would "feel" that just like it would feel any other happiness, calmness, worry, sadness, fear and so on. Depression isn''t a healthy emotion for a mother to feel when pregnant.

I did read your comment about the "oil business" being a "boys only club"...and if thats your reasoning, that''s fine. You''re totally intitled to whatever expectations your have for your child. But I firmly stand by my belief that if expectant parents are going to "wish" anything for the baby to the point of heartbreak, wish it healthy and wish it happy.

 

[meresal]

Date: 9/28/2009 5:07:37 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/28/2009 5:00:16 PM
Author: meresal


TG, I totally understand that. I just don''t understand what makes that any better, than say my husband and I, who are white Americans, wanting a son to pass my DH''s family company on to? (Not that a girl couldn''t do it, I am very much a feminist supporter... but it''s an oil company and it''s a ''man''s'' world, especially in the machine shops and the fields.)

I just don''t understand what makes the Asian culture views any more acceptable, just becuase it has been around longer? Does that make a little more sense?

Well, I don''t think it makes it any better/acceptable - just piping in to expand on cultura reasoning.

But I do think you ask most white American parents, they do not think it''s their children''s duty to support them. The mindset is different. Many Asians do assume this - it''s a given in many families.

This is something I wasn''t totally aware of, and I can see where you are coming from.

 

[meresal]

Date: 9/28/2009 6:45:14 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 9/28/2009 4:48:05 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 9/28/2009 3:45:05 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If I may...I can completely understand how people may feel that my view was ''harsh''...thinking a mother is selfish for sobbing over the gender of their impending baby...but come on ladies, lets get real here...I think it''s awful that a mother-to-be would cry over the gender of her baby. Come on. That''s awful. I think babies are blessings...but, if you''re pregnant there are no guarantees...and esspecially not when it comes to gender. Having a ''wish'' is fine, and if it''s a cultural thing, that''s perfectly fine...but to hope so hard for a particular gender that when you find out otherwise you''re reduced to tears just seems to so wrong to me. Put that energy in to wanting a healthy baby, a happy baby.

I''m not saying that it''s abnormal to desire a certain sex...but there has to be a point where it goes from normal to over the top. I think hysterics would be that line.

Just to ask, not trying to call you out ar anything

, what makes it being a ''cultural thing'' any better in your eyes? I don''t understand that comment?

That is a preference just like any other, is it not? Just more widely known?

I''m not well versed on the cultural need for a specfic gender...which is why I consider that to be something I have to be fine with. I don''t understand it, so who am I to judge.

However, as far as any old plain Jane and Joe making a baby and putting all their stock in one gender, it''s like I said...I don''t have an issue with someone wanting a girl or a boy for personal reasons...my issue is with the soon-to-be parents who get depressed and neurotic over the fall out when their wants are realized. That does and always will blow my mind. It''s basically the same thing as saying ''a girl isn''t good enough, she''s not going to live up to our expectations'' and, oh my God, she''s not even born yet! Give the girl a break! Babies in womb are very ''aware'' of the emotions of the mother...so I can imagine that the child would ''feel'' that just like it would feel any other happiness, calmness, worry, sadness, fear and so on. Depression isn''t a healthy emotion for a mother to feel when pregnant.

I did read your comment about the ''oil business'' being a ''boys only club''...and if thats your reasoning, that''s fine. You''re totally intitled to whatever expectations your have for your child. But I firmly stand by my belief that if expectant parents are going to ''wish'' anything for the baby to the point of heartbreak, wish it healthy and wish it happy.

ITA that depression is not a good vibe to be feeding your unborn child.

For the record, DH and I have no preference. He isn''t worried about the company, he just "wants" a boy, and I will be happy with whatever we have. I was more or less using it as a "for instance" point, rather than a real life example.

My sister is the one that went thru this. I don''t think any woman or man WANTS to be depressed about their child. Pregnancies are very emotional times, from what I have experienced, and there are so many decisions along the way, that you never really know how you are going to react to any given one.
Unfortunately, for my sister, though both of them really wanted a boy, it was her husband that didn''t want anything to do with a girl, and he let it be known... for years. I think she was more upset, that she knew her husband was disappointed, than she was herself. If you saw her now with my niece, you wouldn''t be able to imagine her with a son.

Thanks for coming back and sharing your point, Italia.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 9/27/2009 8:10:25 AM
Author:noelwr
hi, I''m not starting a family, but this issue popped up at the office.

a colleague''s wife is pregnant and both he and his wife are depressed because it''s going to be a girl instead of a boy. I think this has to do with cultural reasons and being the first grandchild that they wanted it to be a boy.

it sounded a bit harsh to me that you would be upset about that (as I would think you should just be happy that you did get pregnant and just hope your kid is born healthy) but as having never been in this situation I wouldn''t know.

anyone else had their hearts set on a boy or a girl only to find out that it would be the opposite? how did you deal? I imagine once your child is born you love it to death and have forgotten all about it.

are they Chinese?

 

[cara]

Hmm, I think cultural reasons are a *less* good reason than random preference. I guess part of my logic on that is that if people are wanting one of each or have random reasons for wanting one over the other then it is not the result of widespread bias and less of a societal issue.

I do not think parents are selfish or immature if they have a preference and are disappointed or even briefly upset to find out that their child''s gender does not meet their wishes. We''re all human, we are allowed to have our personal quirks and dreams and feelings. But I think the intensity and duration of a parent''s disappointment with a child''s gender and their reasonableness in dealing with the situation does speak to their maturity, selfishness, and other important parental qualities. This will surely not be the last time that a kid doesn''t turn out to have all the qualities their parents'' dreamed of. Part of being a *good* parent is dealing with the child you get, just like part of being human is dealing well with the many things that happen that are outside your control.

For a parent to carry their disappointment forward into the child''s life, and let it affect their attitude toward the kid and their bonding and how involved they are as a parent is pretty appalling. Neither parent had any control over the child''s gender (in usual conceptions) and the child itself certainly doesn''t, so to not be grown up and get over any initial disappointment is ... not very mature or fair to the child, to put it mildly.

 

[Kaleigh]

My best friend had a son, then another son. When she was carrying her third, she was really hoping for a girl. When she found out it was another boy... Yes she was a tad upset as this would be the last she would have. I understand that. I get it. I didn't think anything less of her when she was upset. She has 2 sisters, and really wanted a girl for her third.

She's the best Mom I know to her boys. She just loves them so... They are really great boys. We are so fond of them.


She adores my DD. They have been close since DD was very little. I love that they can go and do girly stuff together. She's a second Mom to my DD, and I love that.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t have kids, I''m not trying and I don''t know if I''ll ever have kids, but if I do, I want a girl! I have a twin sister who I have so much fun with and I''m also super close to my older sister. My two brothers, not so much! So that probably has a lot to do with it. Plus I just like girls...but I want a little sporty tomboy so I''ll probably pop out the girliest baby in the world! Now my husband on the other hand...I can guarantee he wants a boy! He''d probably never say it out loud but he has so much fun playing cars and shopping for little boy presents for my nephews that it''s totally obvious!

I actually told my older sister that if I ever have a boy baby I''ll give it to her since she has two girls.

And it''s funny-she said when all her mom friends found out she was having her second daughter they were always like "Two girls! You''re so lucky!" and no one ever even asked her if she wanted a boy! She would have been fine with either but I think she was leaning towards wanting another girl for her second baby. Probably because her older daughter was desperate for a little sister. They wanted to be surprised so she kept trying to talk up a boy to my niece so my niece wouldn''t be disappointed!

My brothers both have 1 girl and 2 boys and I don''t think they''ll have any more kids. My oldest brother really wanted 1 girl and 1 boy and I think he would have had a third to get whichever gender he didn''t get! He ended up having a girl first and then a boy but they went for a third anyway. My other brother was planning on having 4 kids so I think he just figured he''d end up with at least one of each gender!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Once me and my BF were having a conversation about someone having lots of kids....or maybe it was someone who had 2 girls and trying for a third (in their early 40''s) and we were wondering if they wanted a boy (they got another girl). Anyways, we both expressed that we wanted 2 kids, and he looked at me and said in a firm voice "We are having 2. One boy and one girl." Than he smirked.

I think it is like anything else. You have your "ideal" choice, but at least for us, we know it is out of our control and will be happy with what we are given. I live in a world where I see lots of things go wrong. So I think when I do get pregnant and my estrogen is raging, and the time comes for the 20 week US, my thoughts will be "am I having contractions? Is the placenta OK? does the baby look normal?" Gender will be the last thing on my mind.

 

[diamondsrock]

I do think there's something to be said for a mother's instinct as to what gender she is carrying. When I was pregnant, I always referred to the baby as little guy. I have no idea why, but I just knew it was a boy. Also, because of my strained relationship with my own mother, I didn't know how raising a girl would be, so maybe I was unconsciously hoping for a boy.
At the first ultrasound, the woman said she thought it was a girl. I was shocked, mainly because I was so sure it was a boy, I thought she must be wrong. To be honest, I went home confused.
Shortly after, I had another ultrasound and they confirmed it was a boy. So the ultrasound tech. was wrong. I tell my pregnant friends this story, so they know the ultrasound findings are not 100% accurate.
I definitely would have accepted and loved a baby girl, but at that point in my life, having a boy was in the cards for me and I couldn't have been more thrilled. If I had another baby, I would have liked to have a girl, to experience raising both genders. But if I had another boy, that would have been more than good too.

 

[noelwr]

Date: 9/28/2009 7:21:11 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 9/27/2009 8:10:25 AM

Author:noelwr

a colleague''s wife is pregnant and both he and his wife are depressed because it''s going to be a girl instead of a boy. I think this has to do with cultural reasons and being the first grandchild that they wanted it to be a boy.

are they Chinese?

no, they''re Indian. also I''ve been told that his younger brother has to wait for him and his wife to have their first child before he (younger bro) and his wife can have one. and then it will probably be a competition to see which one will have the first boy. he didn''t tell me that last part, but I''m guessing that''s where it will go...

Importance of First Born Indian Child
http://www.indianetzone.com/27/importance_first_born_child_indian_custom.htm:

"The first-born child is of immense importance in the Indian society. The first child comes up with many duties and responsibilities. Every care is taken of the mother in her antenatal period and also at the time of the birth of the child. If the child happens to be a son, great care is taken in his every aspect of growth. If the first child is a son then it is an occasion for grand rejoicing. The families go for pilgrimage in gratitude.
Sacrifice, donations and feasts are given at the holy shrines. A son is to every Hindu the first and the last of all he desires. If a son is born, through himself he pays his own father the debt and he owes him for his own life, and thus secures similar payments for the gift of life that was given to him. Aitreya Brahman of the R`GVeda in chapters of VU.5.13 have mentioned something worthwhile, such as when a father perceives the face of a living son, he automatically pays a debt in him and gains immortality. The pleasure, which a father can have in his son, exceeds all other materialistic enjoyments. His wife is a friend; his daughter can be an object of sympathy, while his son shines as his future light in the highest world. The texts in Manu, chapter VII.3 mentions that when a man is perfect and when he comprises of three individuals - himself, his wife and his son. Again, Yajnavalkaye says that immortality in future worlds and heavenly ecstasy are obtained by means of grandsons, sons and great grandsons."

 

[Blackpaw]

Date: 9/28/2009 10:20:34 PM
Author: cara
Hmm, I think cultural reasons are a *less* good reason than random preference. I guess part of my logic on that is that if people are wanting one of each or have random reasons for wanting one over the other then it is not the result of widespread bias and less of a societal issue.


I do not think parents are selfish or immature if they have a preference and are disappointed or even briefly upset to find out that their child''s gender does not meet their wishes. We''re all human, we are allowed to have our personal quirks and dreams and feelings. But I think the intensity and duration of a parent''s disappointment with a child''s gender and their reasonableness in dealing with the situation does speak to their maturity, selfishness, and other important parental qualities. This will surely not be the last time that a kid doesn''t turn out to have all the qualities their parents'' dreamed of. Part of being a *good* parent is dealing with the child you get, just like part of being human is dealing well with the many things that happen that are outside your control.


For a parent to carry their disappointment forward into the child''s life, and let it affect their attitude toward the kid and their bonding and how involved they are as a parent is pretty appalling. Neither parent had any control over the child''s gender (in usual conceptions) and the child itself certainly doesn''t, so to not be grown up and get over any initial disappointment is ... not very mature or fair to the child, to put it mildly.

Yay for interesting discussions

I can perfectly understand someone having a preference, and don''t see any shame in it.

I find what Cara said pretty spot on - its funny how people wont comment on ''cultural'' concepts because they''re scared they''ll seem un-PC....or worse, racist. When lets face it, every culture has traditions that are anachronistic. Genital mutilation is a product of a particular culture, killing baby girls is the product of another...i think its ok to say they''re both stupid because they really are.

Me, I''d be terrified at the thought of having a baby, letalone it being a boy or girl

 

[Pandora II]

One thing I have always thought on the whole man wanting a son to do ''men'' things is...what if they turn out like my friend A.?

A is the nicest guy in the world - and just happens to be gay and rather camp with it. Since he was tiny he was into dressing-up and girly games and had no interest in boys things at all. A bit of a shock for his dad - who''s a builder!

A now works in opera and his parents are so proud. His dad also got another two boys to do men things with.

Just makes you think that there could be a lot of disappointed fathers later on! My DH was terrified we''d have a son who would want to play football or indeed sport of any kind as he has ZERO interest in it.

 

[gailrmv]

Before I was preggo, I was fine with either. While I was preggo, I really felt that it was a girl. At the 20 wk scan I found out it was a boy. It''s not that I was disappointed, but definitely surprised, since in my head I had been so sure it was going to be a girl!

I love having a boy and I''d love to have one of each someday. We hope to have 2 kids (max) so I would hope for a girl next time. If we ended up with 2 boys though, that would be just fine with me as well.

It seems like often girls are closer with their moms as adults than boys are. That is probably the main reason that i would hope to have a girl. I hope my son and I will be close without him being a "mama''s boy" or his wife thinking I''m a PITA. But, we have a long way until then!

 

[vetrik]

I would love to experience raising both a boy and a girl. We only plan to have 2 children, and I did have a preference to have a girl first - I would be more sad to never have a daughter than to never have a son. There are not many girls in my family, and I am really close with my mom and grandmother. I know there''s no guarantee, but I loved the thought of continuing that with my own daughter.

I had my first baby in July, and we didn''t find out the sex - we were happy to know that it was healthy. I was convinced the whole time it was a boy, so I was completely shocked when DD was born and they announced it was a girl! However, especially with waiting until birth, I wouldn''t have been upset with a boy.

Something happened I never expected though - I spent so long convinced I was having a boy, that I almost feel like I miss the son who never existed sometimes. Even though I got my preference, I still look at all the cute boy clothes, and think about life with a son. Although I''d be happy to have another girl (my mom and I have both always wanted sisters), I will have a slight preference for a boy next time.

 

[honey22]

FMIL is one of 10 GIRLS!!!!! Her Dad just wanted a boy, so they kept on trying, and trying and trying, and after 10 girls he finally gave up.

Can you imagine trying to get into the bathroom?!

 

[steph72276]

You know, I was thinking more about this thread and especially about cultural preferences. As Americans, we can have cultural preferences also. In Indian and Asian cultures, the male is expected to take care of the parents financially, but at least in my experience, here in America it is more prevalent for the female to take care of the parents physically when they get older. I know, for example, that when the time comes I will do anything my parents need.....if that means having them move in with us, hire a home nurse, or just go visit in the nursing home constantly, I will be there to do that. I know of course there are exceptions, but I believe most of the time, it is the daughter taking care of the parents more.

That''s not to say that that played much of a factor in my desire to have a girl. I am just best friends with my mom. We talk on the phone everyday. I really wanted to try to recreate that. Does that make me selfish or immature or a bad parent? Absolutely not. I love my boys more than anything in the world!

 

[ljmorgan]

When we TTC for #1, I wanted a girl and my husband preferred a boy -- early on we found out that we were having a girl and were both thrilled. Unfortunately she passed away at 37 weeks. We are now TTC #2 and I desperately want another girl. Gender preferences are NOT about the baby -- it's about the life you imagine with your child -- when you identify more strongly with a gender, let's say a girl, maybe you're imaging having this wonderful mother-daughter bond, or dress up and tea parties... when you prepare to have a baby and that little person is growing inside of you, you are imagining all of the things to come. So I think that gender preferences can derive from those expectations.

Having lost a child, I don't fault anyone for having a gender preference -- I think that it's very natural. Sometimes people may seem to go "overboard" with it but still, that is their emotion and it's very real -- I would never fault someone for expressing that. Not all emotions that we experience are very pretty. For instance, while my husband and I are TTC #2, my best friend just found out that she is pregnant, almost 8 weeks along now, the pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted, she is single. She has decided that she wants to raise that child and I am so happy for her. It is difficult right now for me though, because I have shied away from everything pregnancy, because it is very painful for me. Yesterday she expressed her desire for a girl and I was stunned. The jealousy that I feel about watching my best friend have a baby girl when I lost one is very, very difficult. I can't help how I fee. But I obviously truly want her to have the gender that she desires, and want the absolute best for her. It's not about having a girl or a boy -- my jealousy rises from the idea of her having all of those experiences with a daughter that I imagined that I would have -- everything that I imagined having with Natalie, that I will not have now.

So please go easy on ladies (and their husbands) with gender preferences. Yes, all healthy children are such amazing miracles -- but having children is such a complicated life step and hopes and dreams are so intimately entwined in childbirth and beyond.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/30/2009 9:05:58 AM
Author: *Lindsey*
When we TTC for #1, I wanted a girl and my husband preferred a boy -- early on we found out that we were having a girl and were both thrilled. Unfortunately she passed away at 37 weeks. We are now TTC #2 and I desperately want another girl. Gender preferences are NOT about the baby -- it''s about the life you imagine with your child -- when you identify more strongly with a gender, let''s say a girl, maybe you''re imaging having this wonderful mother-daughter bond, or dress up and tea parties... when you prepare to have a baby and that little person is growing inside of you, you are imagining all of the things to come. So I think that gender preferences can derive from those expectations.

Having lost a child, I don''t fault anyone for having a gender preference -- I think that it''s very natural. Sometimes people may seem to go ''overboard'' with it but still, that is their emotion and it''s very real -- I would never fault someone for expressing that. Not all emotions that we experience are very pretty. For instance, while my husband and I are TTC #2, my best friend just found out that she is pregnant, almost 8 weeks along now, the pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted, she is single. She has decided that she wants to raise that child and I am so happy for her. It is difficult right now for me though, because I have shied away from everything pregnancy, because it is very painful for me. Yesterday she expressed her desire for a girl and I was stunned. The jealousy that I feel about watching my best friend have a baby girl when I lost one is very, very difficult. I can''t help how I fee. But I obviously truly want her to have the gender that she desires, and want the absolute best for her. It''s not about having a girl or a boy -- my jealousy rises from the idea of her having all of those experiences with a daughter that I imagined that I would have -- everything that I imagined having with Natalie, that I will not have now.

So please go easy on ladies (and their husbands) with gender preferences. Yes, all healthy children are such amazing miracles -- but having children is such a complicated life step and hopes and dreams are so intimately entwined in childbirth and beyond.

A million hugs Linds.

 

[Ellen]

I had no preference with my first one, and we had a boy. With the second, I did want a girl, we had another boy. No biggie, loved him to bits from the moment I saw him. Then, I wanted to try one more time for a girl, the "want" was pretty intense. Hubby wanted to quit at two. This went on for a couple years, and hubby finally said, Fine, we can try again, but remember, it could easily be a boy. Well, gee, I had been so focused on my dreams of life with a little girl, I had omiited the other half of the statistic. And while I loved my boys to death, they were, boys! lol The thought of one more was one too many. He was right, and I decided we were done.

Only, someone else decided we weren''t done, and a couple years later, I was pregnant. Of course, after the initial shock, and I do mean shock, I was convinced someone had answered my prayers, and I was having a girl. I was SO sick the whole time, unlike with the other two. I only gained 17 pounds total, as every time I ate, I felt horrible, so I didn''t eat as much. I could have found out what the baby was, but chose not to, I never did want to know. I like surprises. lol This was one time I could have done without one, because, I had another boy. After making sure he had 10 fingers and toes, and all was well, I sunk into a mini depression. I didn''t like how I felt, I felt like a horrible mother, but, it was what it was. However, he was just the cutest little thing, my Pedi even came in that first night after seeing him, and said he was one of the prettiest babies she''d ever seen.

I stayed in my funk the 3 days in the hospital, and for a day or two after I got home. But after a couple days, all hell broke loose, and the "best baby in the nursery", by one nurses opinion, became a baby who almost never stopped crying. Long story short, he was born with gastrointestinal allergies. Everything he ate, upset his stomach. This went on for many months. By then, him not being a girl was the last thing on my mind, I never gave it another thought.

That "baby" just turned 19, and has been the sweetest, most thoughtful, kind, sincere child I''ve ever laid eyes on. I wouldn''t trade him for all the girls in the world. He is a blessing.

 

[Jas12]

Ellen

the honesty in that made me tear up. And i think that the point Lindsey brings up is spot on. We have a dream that is just a projection of some relationship we want to have. It has nothing to do with the actual child we end up getting b/c we can never truly get the kid we "ordered"

. And although we may mourn the gender we don''t get to experience, we love the kid we get, and we would never trade ''em in.

 

[Mandarine]

Ellen that made me tear up too. Beautiful