were you ever upset about the sex of the baby?

[noelwr]

hi, I''m not starting a family, but this issue popped up at the office.

a colleague''s wife is pregnant and both he and his wife are depressed because it''s going to be a girl instead of a boy. I think this has to do with cultural reasons and being the first grandchild that they wanted it to be a boy.

it sounded a bit harsh to me that you would be upset about that (as I would think you should just be happy that you did get pregnant and just hope your kid is born healthy) but as having never been in this situation I wouldn''t know.

anyone else had their hearts set on a boy or a girl only to find out that it would be the opposite? how did you deal? I imagine once your child is born you love it to death and have forgotten all about it.

 

[Mandarine]

I really wanted to have at least one girl...so when we found out I was pregnant with twins I was thrilled...I thought "there has to be a girl in there!". Well, turns out I''m having two boys!. Before they told me, I had a hard time dealing with how I would feel if they told me it was two boys...and even got in some arguments with my sister over this. I knew I would be thrilled regardless, but I knew part of me would also be a bit disappointed if I wasn''t having a girl (since this would most likely be my last pregnancy).

Once they finally confirmed it was two boys, I really didn''t feel like I thought I would. Sure, I thought "ahh, a girl would have been ncie too"...but once they told me I started thinking how perfect it was that my boys would come into this world with their best "bud" ever!. Now, I almost can''t imagine having anything but two boys and day dream all day long of what they will look like and how life is going to be. I guess I''ll find our in less than a month!!!

I think people should be "allowed" to feel disappointed...that doesn''t mean they don''t love or want the child that''s coming...or that they are not grateful or that the main thing they want is a healthy child. I think being disappointed can be normal and you go through that quickly once the idea is in your head. That''s different than being very upset about it though, IMO...

 

[Sha]

I think gender disappointment is very real. Many parents have a preference for a particular gender - whether for cultural reasons, or the belief that they can better identify with a child or a particular gender, or maybe that''s just what they always envisioned for themselves. It can be pretty disappointing at first to think you may never have the ''boy'' or ''girl'' you always wanted (especially if you plan to have a small family - 2 children or so)....even though I think most parents eventually come around and love the baby regardless.

I''ve always had a preference for a girl. I''m pregnant now and apparently my baby is a girl. Before my 20 week gender ultrasound I prepared myself mentally for the possibility of having a boy - but I still felt very anxious when it came time for the ultrasound tech to announce the gender. My heart was beating so much that for a few minutes the technician couldn''t even get a good shot! That''s when I realized how much I really wanted a girl. I think I would have been okay eventually if I was having a boy but I would''ve been disappointed at first, nonetheless.

 

[taovandel]

I initially was really wanting a girl--I think it''s because I''m a female and I knew how to deal with girly situations. I also had a girl name that I was in love with and really wanted to use. Plus, girl clothes are way cuter!

We went in for our u/s and were told it was a girl and I was soooooo excited!

4 weeks later we went in for another u/s and our baby girl had turned into a baby boy! I think everyone thought I was going to be upset but I really wasn''t. I was actually surprised that I wasn''t upset about it.

This is our first baby so either sex was just fine with me. Now if I already had 2-3 boys and was pregnant again--I would probably be upset at first if I found out it was another boy.

 

[E B]

I wasn't, but that's because I'd like one of each. And though one of each is my 'ideal,' I'd be thrilled if I had two boys. I'm pretty firmly in the camp of being happy with whichever sex you receive.

As someone who had to scale a couple of hurdles to have a healthy baby (with friends in the same boat), *serious* disappointment over a baby's sex is foreign to me- especially with one's first baby. Brief disappointment is one thing, but forums exist online for those needing to cope with the disappointment. In those situations, why 'roll the dice,' so to speak?

 

[Mara]

i agree that gender disappointment is very real so people's feelings simply are what they are. whether it's cultural or not, many times people do have their hearts set on one or the other, even if it's not a realistic thing.

i also agree with the feeling that i would just be happy to have a healthy baby, regardless of sex. but again, feelings are subjective.

my coworker wanted a girl so badly and i heard when she found out she was having a boy she burst into tears, she was so disappointed. i was a bit disappointed in HER when i heard that, but again to have your heart set on something else must be tough. to be 'depressed' that it's a girl instead though, that is sad. i hope your coworker turns it around into positive.

i thought we were having a boy from the beginning. i have always felt like i was supposed to have a boy, but people were so skeptical of my surety in the beginning that i started to wonder. so i also started to prepare myself for a girl...aka just trying to not get caught up one way or another and thinking it could be either. i was so well balanced by the time we actually found out, i wasn't even surprised or excited for the first reaction when i heard it was a boy...i had kind of psyched myself out to hear girl. but when she said it was boy i was like...of COURSE...haha.

 

[KimberlyH]

I couldn''t care less if it''s a boy or a girl, and don''t plan to find out until the kid is born, so understanding disappointment someone might feel about this is difficult for me.

I hope your coworker and his wife can move past their upset, I can''t imagine they won''t.

 

[steph72276]

With my first one, I really didn''t care either way. With this one, if I am being honest, I would say I was really hoping for a girl b/c I think 2 is all we are going to have and I would have liked to experience each one. But, that being said, as soon as I saw that baby at my 20 week appt. and found out it was another boy, I teared up (in a good way) thinking about how my boys would have such a great bond and all of the things they would do together. I am really excited about having another boy. As someone who has experienced the loss of a baby, I am just thrilled he is healthy and can''t wait to get him here!

 

[cdt1101]

Before I was pregnant, I always pictured myself w/ a daughter and would have been perfectly happy if I never had a son, but once I got pregnant I just had a feeling it was a boy. Being honest, I was upset. Even when we found out thru u/s that it was in fact a boy, I couldn''t help feeling disappointed. But I''m glad I had that early u/s because it gave me time to sort out my feelings and once my due date rolled around I was so happy to be having a little boy.

And now that he''s here, I think I''m an idiot for EVER feeling the way I did

I seriously cannot believe how lucky I am to have such an awesome little man that I helped create! I love having a boy so much!

But I still hope for a girl one day

 

[packrat]

For our first, I wanted a boy. I "knew" I''d have a girl, b/c that''s how our family seems to work. We found out we were having a girl at the u/s, but still had boy names just in case-u/s isn''t always 100% correct as Tao pointed out!

For our 2nd then, I wanted another girl..we already had the girl clothes, I had a kickin girl name picked out and I was convinced I wouldn''t know how to relate to a boy..never changed a boy''s diaper etc..just scared. U/s showed boy (and it was so incredibly obvious this was a boy haha) and I will admit, my heart dropped a little..but then I started to cry, thinking of this wee little boy I would be having and thinking "I''m going to have a son!" and I was over the moon.

One of my coworkers has several children, 4 girls and 1 boy. They always had to find out at the u/s what the sex was, b/c the dad wanted boys so desperately, he was always incredibly disappointed and "needed time" to get used to knowing he would be having a girl. That makes me sad.

 

[Girlrocks]

Well, as a mom to 4 girls, I get asked this ALL the time. Everyone asks us if we kept trying for the boy. We had our identical twins first, and a few years later decided that if we were going to have another one, we would have 2 more, especially if baby #3 was a girl, with her older sisters being identical twins, we didn''t want her to feel "left out". So of course #3 was a girl, but we didn''t find out in advance, so there was no disapointment because we found out when she was delivered and it was a very exciting moment. When we had #4, DH and I went together for the ultrasound, and when they said it was a girl, I felt a pang of disapointment for my husband, I felt that deep down every man wants a son. But he was excited...he wanted her to be a girl, he says he wouldn''t have it any other way!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I don''t want to turn this thread into something negative, but I have to admit it really rubbed me the wrong, wrong way.

There are people out there who would kill for a baby--sex totally aside. It''s painful for me to read about people expecting a baby and then feeling "let down" because the baby is already not meeting their expectations. Whatever happen to considering any baby a blessing? To me it just selfish. Plain and simple.

I think that there are so many "unwanted" children in the world, that if gender really means that much--then adopt. But if you want your own baby, just be happy when you get your way.

 

[ladyciel]

I can think of at least one country where it is illegal for the parents to find out the sex of the baby before birth because of problems with gender-based abortion. So, as others have said, baby gender is a big deal in some cultures. Since in many cases it's a cultural issue (which can be hard to debate without crossing lines I'd like to stay away from) rather than just a personal case of "I've always envisioned having a....", I'm not going to say much other than I hope the parents can come to accept and love their child to the fullest regardless of gender. There are many would-be parents who want nothing more than to have a baby, and can't. The last thing they would worry about is gender.

 

[Loves2Laugh]

I wanted it to be a total surprise because either way it was a blessing to just have a happy/healthy baby. I always told DH that we''d find out with #2 (when that happens) but after having our first be a surprise, I would want nothing more to experience it all over again.

 

[phoenixgirl]

My husband and I are having a girl in the next month, and we both really wanted a girl if you had asked us. But it seemed so ungrateful to the universe and like we would be slighting any hypothetical boy babies we would have that I didn''t really want to voice my preference. Of course I would have loved to find out I was having a boy too. But because I had tried so hard to gear myself up for having a boy, I was shocked when I found out it was a girl. And happy, of course. I''d like to think I wouldn''t have been a smidge disappointed if the tech had said it was a boy instead. Really my fear was that I would wind up only having boys (DH is one of 4 boys, his dad one of 3, his mom the only girl with 3 brothers . . .). My brother has two boys, and they are terribly behaved and give me a headache whenever I hang out with them, but I think that''s their upbringing, not their gender, but that still made me think, hmmm, that''s not what I want! And the thought of never having a daughter seemed sadder to me than the thought of never having a son. But now that we''re having a girl, I do hope we have a boy some day.

It''s funny that now that the baby seems more real and less hypothetical (at 20 weeks I didn''t feel as connected to this little person inside me as I do now), I don''t think it would bother me at all to find out we''re having a boy first. DH kept worrying that maybe the ultrasound was wrong, and that possibility doesn''t give me a moment''s pause. That''s one of those things were you just laugh and send Grandma out to buy a few blue things while you are still in the hospital.

But we had another ultrasound the other day, and it is indeed a girl; I saw her identifying bits with my own two eyes!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Well, I always felt I was going to have a boy. . .in fact, I felt I would be the mom of two boys. That ended up being the case. If I had discovered one of the babies would instead be a girl, I would have loved her as much as I do my boys.

What a shame about your colleague and his wife.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 9/27/2009 3:49:34 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I don't want to turn this thread into something negative, but I have to admit it really rubbed me the wrong, wrong way.

There are people out there who would kill for a baby--sex totally aside. It's painful for me to read about people expecting a baby and then feeling 'let down' because the baby is already not meeting their expectations. Whatever happen to considering any baby a blessing? To me it just selfish. Plain and simple.

I think that there are so many 'unwanted' children in the world, that if gender really means that much--then adopt. But if you want your own baby, just be happy when you get your way.

To add to Italia's post (and I hadn't intended to post this thought, but I'll go ahead and dive in. . .) I think if a person is upset over the gender of their child, they're simply not mature enough to be parents.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think everyone has been very honest in this thread. And love that people can share their feelings here, without judgement.

For us, we really wanted a girl first. I was suprised my husband wanted a girl first, but he has two sister''s so that''s what he knows. When we found out we were having a girl, we were over the moon. The US tech, said well it;s looking like pink, but don''t paint the room just yet....

My second pregnancy ended with a miscarriage. I was so sad.

I had an amnio with the third pregnancy, since DD was fighting an auto immune illness. Oh I was sooooo nervous about it, my husband was awesome. We got the call 2 weeks later all was great... And did we want to know the sex?? I said of course please!! She said you are having a boy!!! I was sooooo excited. So was hubby, he was over the moon. And DD?? Oh she was soooo excited to have a little brother!! She always talked about a little brother.

We are soooo blessed.

 

[TravelingGal]

I don''t know if I would have been disappointed or not. We didn''t find out the sex until the kid was born, so I honestly think at that moment, I would have been happy if they pulled an alien out of me...I wanted it to be O.V.E.R.

I admitted on the preggo thread somewhere that my preference was to have a girl. Even though I am SO not a girly girl, I wanted a daughter. I was euphoric when they announced it was a girl! I am not sure I would have felt that level of euphoria if it were a boy, but I know I would have been pretty happy.

If I were to have a choice, I think it would be nice to have a girl and a boy (the thought of two girls in the past was enough for me not to have children!), but now that I have my girl, I am surprised to admit I think another girl would be great! Plus I see Curlygirl''s pics of her two girls and I just think they are so adorable. So honestly, I think while my preference would be to have a boy next, I''d be happy with either/or.

And I''d also be happy with just one child too!

 

[Pandora II]

My preference was for a girl - so I convinced myself that I was having a boy so as to not feel any diappointment whatsoever at the scan. Well, it was a girl and I was so shocked I said to the tech - no, it can''t be, I KNOW that it''s a boy!

And honestly, I felt a tiny smidge of disappointment for a few seconds...

DH and I are pretty sure that we will only have the one child - but had it been a boy I would be very tempted to try for another. I''m one of 3 girls and 1 boy and my mother was definitely hoping for a boy when my brother was born. DH is one of 4 boys and I know his mother would have liked a little girl.

I think that mild gender disappointment is perfectly normal if you have a definite preference, and knowing that some people can''t have children and would be happy whatever doesn''t really come into it. But it should be something that you get over in an hour or so and then be thrilled that you are having a new, healthy baby.

Disappointment to the extent that you are actively expressing it to other people is worrying - and sad.

 

[fieryred33143]

My fiance was absolutely set on having a boy. When I would say "I think its a girl" he''d always say "no, don''t say that yet."

When we found out I could tell he was disappointed.

The day she was born, after all the visitors left, he was holding her and said that everything they tell you about daddy''s little girl is true and he couldn''t imagine holding a boy at that moment.

So yes disappointment exists but it means squat once the baby arrives.

 

[Camille]

Oh G*D no. I would admit that DH's family did talk about girl, girl, girl behind my back towards the end [thanks SIL]

I kind of understood, they had 9 boys in the family by the time we were preggers. As a couple: Never cared about the gender, didn't want know until she was born, oh dear.......trouble, big trouble from day 1

We have both, no difference to me at all.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think gender preference is very real and doesn''t reflect negatively on the parents.

I''ve always wanted boys. I grew up with three sisters and in the past I''ve always preferred to have boys. More recently, however, as D and I have become more serious about starting a family, I feel like I''m starting to become more indifferent. I would be very content with a girl, but I''m not going to be raising a princess! I''ve just noticed recently (in the past 6 months or so), that I don''t care as much as I used to about the gender. I guess I''d still prefer a boy, but I wouldn''t be disappointed if we had a girl.

 

[meresal]

I don't have personal experience, but my sister and her DH went thru this. They were convinced that they were having a boy. It was set in their mind and there was no way it could be a girl.

Well, the day came and they found out they were having a girl. They didn't talk to eachother for 2 days!!

Becuase of this I am trying very hard, not to sway one way or another. DH really wants a boy. He says it's becuase he isn't ready for a little girl to "walk all over him"

, but I think he just wants a boy. Don't they all? In my case, at this point, I honestly just want a healthy baby. I will be happy either way. In the beginning I thought that I really wanted a boy, but I really don't have a preference anymore.

I just don't want us to get wrapped up in the sex of the baby like my sister did. They have gotten better, but seeing what they went thru, I really think my BIL let it effect him far more than just those 2 days. He was VERY hands off the first 3 years of my niece's life, and it caused my sister alot of strife. I don't want that, so I'm trying to keep DH on the "fence" so to speak.

I agree with you Tao, that it will be more prevalanet once you have a few children, and are getting down to your last pregnany. On another board that I look at, a woman has 5 boys and is dying to have a girl. I couldn't imagine the way that that could weigh on a person's mind.

 

[Miscka]

I must admit I am really worried about this. I REALLY want a boy. I like little girls (and was super girly myself) I just don''t do well with them. I went to a summer camp for years and years and years, and then worked there. There was a boys camp also, where I did some work. I did SO much better working with the little guys than the girls. Growing up babysitting, I much preferred the twin 2 year old boys (a HANDFUL) than the girls I watched.

I know that I could get in to the girl thing if I had to, but I would honestly really prefer a boy.

 

[Jas12]

Italia & MC: "not mature enough" for children and "selfish"? That is a tad judgemental & smug IMO.

I read somewhere that in anonymous surveys the majority of parents-to-be admit feeling a preference for a boy or a girl. Why wouldn''t we? We are human and it is only natural to project some degree of wants and dreams on children--regardless of whether this is right or wrong. Sometimes that preference is culturally based, some is b/c we buy into stereotypes or maybe it is because of past experience. I grew up with a sister. We are best friends and very close with my mom. When I found out i was pregnant to be honest i pictured and desired a girl. Not b/c i didn''t want a boy or would not love him, but just b/c in my mind i guess i wanted to re-create the wonderful family i have. I consider myself to be a rational, mature person so i understood these were just projections, but i still felt it. I now have a son and realize that bonds are not gender based and he is the absolute light of my life. I probably knew that would be the case when i was childless but i know that even more now. However, when your child is just an abstract idea, it''s only human to desire one gender (and all that label symbolizes) over the other.

 

[princesss]

I hear ya, Miscka. I''m the same way.

I don''t think it reflects poorly on a person to be disappointed by the sex of their child (or to have a preference). Yes, there are people that would love to have that problem and who have tried for years to have children, but that does not affect the person facing disappointment. They''re real emotions and need to be dealt with honestly in order to let them go and just enjoy the child you have. You have to let the dream die in order to appreciate the reality, and that is a process that does involve some mourning (at least, in what I''ve seen from other people, not being a mom myself).

 

[janinegirly]

I''m with everyone who says it''s natural to have a preference and human to express it. Usually any disappointment subsides quickly, but like I said of course everyone has a tendency to prefer one or the other for whatever reason. It''s when it sticks around too long or becomes resentful that it is a major issue! Like if someone says they ONLY want boys or girls, period and deep seeded in some other issue (the cultural thing does bother me a bit since it actually values one over the other vs. simple preference).

But in general most just have a preference from what they hoped for growing up. I also can see how someone who has 3 boys or 3 girls might hold hopes for one of the "other". Of course everyone always says "oh we don''t care..", but you know they do!

For me, I always wanted a boy...just don''t get along with women as well (IRL at least!) and pictured a little spoiled princess. My DH wanted a girl meanwhile! When we found out, well I suddenly really wanted a girl and now I just can''t imagine anything else--she''s my little best friend! So I also believe preference subsides once one finds out..either it''s nature''s effect or a mother''s immediate smitten love (I guess that''s the same thing!).

 

[Mandarine]

Wow, there are definitely some very judgemental posts in here!. To each their own, but I just don't feel comfortable judging anyone, regardless of whether I agree with their opinion or not.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I wanted a girl, just cause I only had sisters, only knew about girl stuff. So I had about 2 seconds of disappointment when I was told by the ultrasound tech that Miller was well,,,, Miller . I can''t imagine having a girl now - I love being mommy to my little man!!!
And P.S. - boys clothes are wayyyyy cuter!!!!