were you ever upset about the sex of the baby?

[Pandora II]

Totally agree on the ''cuter'' boy''s clothes. Daisy looks

in pink, so I''m always putting her in blue to DH''s horror. He doesn''t like her in pink either, but feels the need to correct people who compliment our ''little boy''

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 9/28/2009 10:45:03 AM
Author: princesss
I don''t think it reflects poorly on a person to be disappointed by the sex of their child (or to have a preference). Yes, there are people that would love to have that problem and who have tried for years to have children, but that does not affect the person facing disappointment. They''re real emotions and need to be dealt with honestly in order to let them go and just enjoy the child you have. You have to let the dream die in order to appreciate the reality, and that is a process that does involve some mourning (at least, in what I''ve seen from other people, not being a mom myself).

Big freaking ditto to this.

I want a girl, have always wanted a girl, and both my family and DH''s have nothing but boys so they would love it too. Everyone seems to think I''m having a girl, so I have my fingers crossed!

That said, while I would be bummed for awhile about not getting the girl I have always wanted, I would still love that baby boy with all my heart and not treat it any differently than I would have treated a girl. Nor would I go around complaining about it, ESPECIALLY not to someone with fertility issues (that I am aware of). I understand fertility is a real issue and it''s life-changing to those that experience it, and I would never belittle someone for having strong feelings about it. But to say that it''s wrong or "immature" for someone to want a particular gender, and be sad if they didn''t get it, is just going to make you sound bitter. Be happy for what you do have, for what God DID give you, rather than wearing the Angry and Childless flag on your forehead.

 

[qtiekiki]

Cultural based gender preference is very real. Growing up, I never understood why a mom would prefer a boy b/c of that. My thinking was that the mom being a female shouldn''t feel that a girl is less valued. But now that I am a mom, I can understand. There is just a lots of pressure on the moms in that situation to have a boy. It doesn''t mean she wouldn''t love the girl as much.

With DD, I felt like I was having a girl and so did DH. DH wanted a girl first, probably b/ c he has 3 older sisters. With baby #2 on the way, DH and my inlaws want a boy. I think they would be disappointed if it is another girl. B/c of that, I want a boy for DH. I had have dream where I gave birth to another girl, and DH didn''t want to hold her and no one came to visit in the hospital. It''s an irrational fear, and I feel silly for thinking it. I know DH will love baby #2 regardless of gender, but it''s just something in the back of my mind.

So I think it''s ok to have a preference and be disappointed, but the parents need to get over it.

 

[neatfreak]

I think there is a big difference between gender preference and disappointment vs. finding out you are having the sex you "didn''t want" and then letting it influence the bonding you have with that child.

I think most people have a preference and as long as you don''t let that influence bonding with and loving your child I think it''s a perfectly normal and human emotion.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 9/28/2009 10:44:12 AM
Author: Jas12
Italia & MC: ''not mature enough'' for children and ''selfish''? That is a tad judgemental & smug IMO.

I read somewhere that in anonymous surveys the majority of parents-to-be admit feeling a preference for a boy or a girl. Why wouldn''t we? We are human and it is only natural to project some degree of wants and dreams on children--regardless of whether this is right or wrong. Sometimes that preference is culturally based, some is b/c we buy into stereotypes or maybe it is because of past experience. I grew up with a sister. We are best friends and very close with my mom. When I found out i was pregnant to be honest i pictured and desired a girl. Not b/c i didn''t want a boy or would not love him, but just b/c in my mind i guess i wanted to re-create the wonderful family i have. I consider myself to be a rational, mature person so i understood these were just projections, but i still felt it. I now have a son and realize that bonds are not gender based and he is the absolute light of my life. I probably knew that would be the case when i was childless but i know that even more now. However, when your child is just an abstract idea, it''s only human to desire one gender (and all that label symbolizes) over the other.

Jas12 - Oh well!

I miscarried a pregnancy, so like Italia, I see babies as blessings. There is nothing wrong with hoping for a gender and finding out you''re having another. It is another thing to be "depressed" about it and letting fellow colleagues know about it. That''s disrespectful *to the child*. That''s like telling everyone the baby wasn''t planned. An, "uh ooh."

Mandarine - I REALLY do not want to start a quarell with you, I''m just thinking that the fact you started this thread, that you''re feeling a bit judgemental as well. If what your colleague said didn''t bother you, you wouldn''t be posting and trying to determine if those thoughts are inappropriate or not.

Like I said, I lost a baby. A few years after my sons were born, I became pregnant. The baby was a girl. I know that you and others could care less about my loss, but still it hurt me quite a bit. The pain of THAT will last a lifetime. . .maybe that is why I''m "smug" over the attitudes of others. I would be 100% happy regardless of what gender that baby would have been.

Oh, and interesting - I read in "What to Expect When You''re Expecting," that over 90% (can''t remember the exact figure) of women have correct instinctual feelings about which gender their baby will be. I guess others may sense things as well. Odd situation - during the pregnancy I lost, my older son began talking about "the baby." Funny thing is I didn''t even know I was pregnant yet!!!

 

[princesss]

Actually, MC, Mandarine didn''t start this thread. Noelwr did.

 

[Mandarine]

Date: 9/28/2009 1:00:39 PM
Author: MC

Date: 9/28/2009 10:44:12 AM

Author: Jas12

Italia & MC: ''not mature enough'' for children and ''selfish''? That is a tad judgemental & smug IMO.


I read somewhere that in anonymous surveys the majority of parents-to-be admit feeling a preference for a boy or a girl. Why wouldn''t we? We are human and it is only natural to project some degree of wants and dreams on children--regardless of whether this is right or wrong. Sometimes that preference is culturally based, some is b/c we buy into stereotypes or maybe it is because of past experience. I grew up with a sister. We are best friends and very close with my mom. When I found out i was pregnant to be honest i pictured and desired a girl. Not b/c i didn''t want a boy or would not love him, but just b/c in my mind i guess i wanted to re-create the wonderful family i have. I consider myself to be a rational, mature person so i understood these were just projections, but i still felt it. I now have a son and realize that bonds are not gender based and he is the absolute light of my life. I probably knew that would be the case when i was childless but i know that even more now. However, when your child is just an abstract idea, it''s only human to desire one gender (and all that label symbolizes) over the other.

Jas12 - Oh well!


I miscarried a pregnancy, so like Italia, I see babies as blessings. There is nothing wrong with hoping for a gender and finding out you''re having another. It is another thing to be ''depressed'' about it and letting fellow colleagues know about it. That''s disrespectful *to the child*. That''s like telling everyone the baby wasn''t planned. An, ''uh ooh.''


Mandarine - I REALLY do not want to start a quarell with you, I''m just thinking that the fact you started this thread, that you''re feeling a bit judgemental as well. If what your colleague said didn''t bother you, you wouldn''t be posting and trying to determine if those thoughts are inappropriate or not.


Like I said, I lost a baby. A few years after my sons were born, I became pregnant. The baby was a girl. I know that you and others could care less about my loss, but still it hurt me quite a bit. The pain of THAT will last a lifetime. . .maybe that is why I''m ''smug'' over the attitudes of others. I would be 100% happy regardless of what gender that baby would have been.


Oh, and interesting - I read in ''What to Expect When You''re Expecting,'' that over 90% (can''t remember the exact figure) of women have correct instinctual feelings about which gender their baby will be. I guess others may sense things as well. Odd situation - during the pregnancy I lost, my older son began talking about ''the baby.'' Funny thing is I didn''t even know I was pregnant yet!!!

MC, I didn''t start the thread...and I don''t see how my response was judgemental at all.

I think it''s perfectly fine to say you would be 100% fine...totally valid and I get it and believe it. What I personally don''t agree with is people saying others are immature or selfish, etc for voicing their own opinion on how the would FEEL. Everyone is entitled to feel however the heck they want to feel, whether everyone likes it or not.

 

[E B]

MC, I understood where you were coming from. Not too long ago, a thread was made asking if you''d choose a son or a daughter if you were to have just one child, and at least one poster answered daughter because ''boys are dirty'' (or something to that extent). I rolled my eyes so hard it was audible. In those cases, I agree with you: they might need to do a bit more growing up before procreating. That, or spend more time with babies and toddlers of both sexes. Talk about an eye-opening experience.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 9/28/2009 1:13:22 PM
Author: Mandarine


MC, I didn't start the thread...and I don't see how my response was judgemental at all.

I think it's perfectly fine to say you would be 100% fine...totally valid and I get it and believe it. What I personally don't agree with is people saying others are immature or selfish, etc for voicing their own opinion on how the would FEEL. Everyone is entitled to feel however the heck they want to feel, whether everyone likes it or not.

oops, got mixed up there.

On a side note - threads like this are bound to cause controversy. I question why they're started to begin with.

 

[choro72]

Not TTC yet, but just wanted to chime in that, as qtiekiki mentioned, cultural pressures are very real. When I was born, the first thing my grandfather (his DIL) said to my mother was "Well, there is always the next time". My grandmother on my mothor''s side tried for a boy until her 5th daughter was born, and she gave up. She was ecstatic and relieved when my aunt produced boys. I''m married to the eldest son/first born of a eldest son/first born. I''m already nervous about the disappointment from the in laws if our first child is not a boy.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/28/2009 12:26:12 PM
Author: Pandora II
Totally agree on the ''cuter'' boy''s clothes. Daisy looks

in pink, so I''m always putting her in blue to DH''s horror. He doesn''t like her in pink either, but feels the need to correct people who compliment our ''little boy''

I hate that! I can''t put Sophia in any color besides pink, otherwise she becomes a he to strangers. If I do put on blue, I have to put a bow bigger than her head just to be clear that she''s my little princess

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/28/2009 1:26:26 PM
Author: MC

Date: 9/28/2009 1:13:22 PM
Author: Mandarine


MC, I didn''t start the thread...and I don''t see how my response was judgemental at all.

I think it''s perfectly fine to say you would be 100% fine...totally valid and I get it and believe it. What I personally don''t agree with is people saying others are immature or selfish, etc for voicing their own opinion on how the would FEEL. Everyone is entitled to feel however the heck they want to feel, whether everyone likes it or not.

oops, got mixed up there.

On a side note - threads like this are bound to cause controversy. I question why they''re started to begin with.

It didn''t have to start a controversy. People were asked an honest question and we all answered honestly. I don''t think that anyone will ever doubt that children are a blessing. That doesn''t mean that their initial feelings should be discounted or that they are immature or selfish because of it.

 

[qtiekiki]

Pandora & fiery
DD is 14 months, and people still think she is a boy. At least they don''t say cute boy when she is in pink or in a dress anymore. They used to when she was younger, regardless of what she''s wearing. It''s funny b/c DH always correct people, whereas I just say thanks. I was also a boy until 2 yrs old, according to my mom.

 

[E B]

Date: 9/28/2009 1:46:29 PM
Author: fiery

I hate that! I can''t put Sophia in any color besides pink, otherwise she becomes a he to strangers. If I do put on blue, I have to put a bow bigger than her head just to be clear that she''s my little princess

It happens to boy moms, too! Henry has to be in dark blue and even then, strangers still ask, "boy?"

p.s. I chuckled at the thought of a baby head-sized bow.

 

[noelwr]

hey guys, I started this thread and it''s not because I want to initiate controversy. I was just really curious if people could actually feel some disappointment regarding this issue. I''ve never been pregnant, so I have no idea, though I suppose I already knew the answer (and thanks everyone for being so honest and mostly not judgemental towards each other), which is why I followed up with how one would deal with this disappointment. and even though I''ve never experienced it myself, I am glad I guessed that once your baby is in your life you can''t imagine it being anything else. I think that''s really the beauty of motherhood.

can we all be friends again?

 

[Bliss]

I totally get it when parents have their hearts set on having a boy or a girl. They're real feelings and it's always healthier to discuss them and have a dialogue than to bottle up what you're going through. Repression is the root of a lot of hurtful events and it comes out anyway, sometimes in uglier forms so I think talking about feelings is always a good thing.

DH and I are hoping for a baby one day soon. DH is hoping for a boy first and I'm hoping for a girl first! I will be really happy with a boy or a girl so long as the child is healthy. I think DH is just afraid of turning to jelly when he sees a little girl but I am sure he will be in love with any child we conceive togehter.

That having been said, I have two stories that apply to this and I'm sharing them only because they opened my eyes to the bigger picture.

E and her husband had 3 girls already and were hoping for a boy. E's husband loudly proclaimed to anyone who would listen that he wanted a boy this time. He wasn't everyone's favorite guy because you could tell that it bothered his wife. Her face would just cloud over when he'd bluster on about how he was a man and needed a boy to carry on the name. Well, their fourth child was a girl. E's husband went around telling everyone how crushed he was, how disappointed...how life was so unfair... how unhappy he was with the child.

The child had SIDS and died before she was a year old. It was SO sad. Absolutely devastating to everyone who knew the couple and their families, too. Just incredibly sad. Last I heard E and her husband had a divorce because they just couldn't sustain all the hurt from the incredible loss. That's one of the most tragic stories I have ever seen happen in my life.

Another story is - one of my colleagues is pregnant! We're all very excited. She is frequently asked if she wants a boy or a girl. It's going to be a surprise.

Yay! Anyway, one of my friends told the story about how she desperately wanted a girl her first pregnancy. She was so set on having a girl that when she went in for the US and was told she was having a boy - she burst into tears. Well, today - she brags about how close she is to her wonderful amazing son and she's actually always fighting with her teenage daughter! LOL. Of course she loves both but just makes you think... The sex of the child isn't really important in the end!

 

[FrekeChild]

I have two cousins....

Cousin A: female, SAHM/ex professional ballerina, has four boys. First born, boy. They would have stopped at 2 children if the second one had been a girl. Scond born, boy. They would have stopped at the third if it had been a girl. Third born, boy. She said the fourth would be the last, but she still hoped for a girl. Obviously it was a boy.

Cousin B: male, doctor, has 3 girls and 1 boy. Wanted a boy to begin with. Had a girl. Had a second child, wanted a boy, got a girl. Cousin tells everyone that they WILL have kids until he gets his boy. Had a third child, got a girl. He continues his quest for ONE BOY. Finally the fourth child is a boy, and his wife can finally stop producing kids. They would have continued if it had not been a boy.

 

[geckodani]

You know, I've always wanted girls. Always. Didn't know what to do with a little man. And then... my nephew was born. And that little bugger is fantastic.

Do I still want girls - sure. It's a preference. I honestly think that everyone has a preference somewhere in the back of their head. I mean, it's a 50/50 shot folks. You get one or the other, ya know? I think it's perfectly natural to lean towards one or the other.

Will I be disappointed if we end up having boys? I dunno, I'm not there yet.

Probably, for about a second. And then I'll get over it and be overjoyed to be having a little person! And having my nephew has definitely helped me realize that I can handle boys, LOL.

I was having a discussion with a coworker about the fact that (assuming I'm able) I want to have 2 children. She asked me what I would do if I ended up with 2 of either gender. My response was, "Be done!" She kept asking if I'd try again to get the other gender.

Now, if I wanted 3 kids - sure! Or if I didn't have a set limit on the number of kiddos I wanted, it wouldn't be an issue. But I literally want 2 kids. If I get 2 girls, yay. If I get 2 boys, yay. If I end up with three, well, yay. LOL. The point being that I would not choose to have another child just to satisfy the urge for the other gender. *shrug*

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/28/2009 2:48:45 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I have two cousins....

Cousin A: female, SAHM/ex professional ballerina, has four boys. First born, boy. They would have stopped at 2 children if the second one had been a girl. Scond born, boy. They would have stopped at the third if it had been a girl. Third born, boy. She said the fourth would be the last, but she still hoped for a girl. Obviously it was a boy.

Cousin B: male, doctor, has 3 girls and 1 boy. Wanted a boy to begin with. Had a girl. Had a second child, wanted a boy, got a girl. Cousin tells everyone that they WILL have kids until he gets his boy. Had a third child, got a girl. He continues his quest for ONE BOY. Finally the fourth child is a boy, and his wife can finally stop producing kids. They would have continued if it had not been a boy.

For some reason the highlighted part made me LOL

 

[geckodani]

Date: 9/28/2009 2:48:45 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I have two cousins....

Cousin A: female, SAHM/ex professional ballerina, has four boys. First born, boy. They would have stopped at 2 children if the second one had been a girl. Scond born, boy. They would have stopped at the third if it had been a girl. Third born, boy. She said the fourth would be the last, but she still hoped for a girl. Obviously it was a boy.

Cousin B: male, doctor, has 3 girls and 1 boy. Wanted a boy to begin with. Had a girl. Had a second child, wanted a boy, got a girl. Cousin tells everyone that they WILL have kids until he gets his boy. Had a third child, got a girl. He continues his quest for ONE BOY. Finally the fourth child is a boy, and his wife can finally stop producing kids. They would have continued if it had not been a boy.

I was posting as you were typing. I don''t understand this mentality.

And the previous phrase made me laugh as well, LOL.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 9/28/2009 2:53:54 PM
Author: fiery

Date: 9/28/2009 2:48:45 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I have two cousins....

Cousin A: female, SAHM/ex professional ballerina, has four boys. First born, boy. They would have stopped at 2 children if the second one had been a girl. Scond born, boy. They would have stopped at the third if it had been a girl. Third born, boy. She said the fourth would be the last, but she still hoped for a girl. Obviously it was a boy.

Cousin B: male, doctor, has 3 girls and 1 boy. Wanted a boy to begin with. Had a girl. Had a second child, wanted a boy, got a girl. Cousin tells everyone that they WILL have kids until he gets his boy. Had a third child, got a girl. He continues his quest for ONE BOY. Finally the fourth child is a boy, and his wife can finally stop producing kids. They would have continued if it had not been a boy.

For some reason the highlighted part made me LOL

Lol. It''s sadly true though. For a while many of us felt like he was using her as a breeder instead of a mother. Including his parents. It was rather hard to watch until that boy came around. His wife is a lovely woman though, and her children are positively wonderful, and so well behaved.

I should add that both sets of parents could easily afford all of those children and more, with the best educations, etc.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 9/28/2009 2:59:26 PM
Author: geckodani

Date: 9/28/2009 2:48:45 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I have two cousins....

Cousin A: female, SAHM/ex professional ballerina, has four boys. First born, boy. They would have stopped at 2 children if the second one had been a girl. Scond born, boy. They would have stopped at the third if it had been a girl. Third born, boy. She said the fourth would be the last, but she still hoped for a girl. Obviously it was a boy.

Cousin B: male, doctor, has 3 girls and 1 boy. Wanted a boy to begin with. Had a girl. Had a second child, wanted a boy, got a girl. Cousin tells everyone that they WILL have kids until he gets his boy. Had a third child, got a girl. He continues his quest for ONE BOY. Finally the fourth child is a boy, and his wife can finally stop producing kids. They would have continued if it had not been a boy.

I was posting as you were typing. I don''t understand this mentality.

And the previous phrase made me laugh as well, LOL.

I don''t get it either.

What is interesting is their parents, my aunt and uncle, (A & B are siblings) had two boys (Cousin B was second) first, and then cousin A, and then they adopted their fourth child (a daughter)--because they wanted evenly matched boys and girls, and with 50/50 odds, they went for the sure thing.

Huh. I''m just now starting to think about this, because it is odd.

 

[TravelingGal]

I am anxiously awaiting news this week from my friend. She''s having triplets and she is really really hoping for a girl somewhere in there. She comes from a family of 4 sisters and she truly wants a girl. Triplets are hard enough, but having 3 boys at once may throw her over the edge.

 

[waxing lyrical]

I would have been disappointed if this baby was a girl. I had a feeling it was a boy, but I didn't want to get my hopes up and just told myself it was probably a girl.

When I was pregnant with my first I wanted a girl. I knew I was having a girl and I was right. I also wanted baby #2 to be a girl and I had girl vibes. I was right again. We were both hoping for a boy with #3 and I knew from early on I was having a boy. When he passed away I felt robbed. I wanted a boy and I got a boy, but I did not get to keep him. When we went back to TTC I was almost obsessed about doing what I can to achieve a boy. After a short while the obsession wore off and I just wanted a healthy baby. When I found out I was pregnant I started thinking a lot about gender. I knew deep down inside I would be disappointed upon finding out it's a girl. I'm sure overtime I would have came around, but I really wanted another boy. One I can keep. Hopefully I get to keep this little guy.

 

[waxing lyrical]

Forgot to add. Had my other kids been the opposite of what I was hoping for I can''t say I would have been disappointed. I had a preference, but it wasn''t a strong preference and I wouldn''t have been depressed over it.

 

[NovemberBride]

I think that it is natural to have a preference and many people probably do and there are also many people who have no preference. I am pregnant now and honestly didn''t care if it was a boy or a girl. DH and I were both thrilled to learn it''s a girl. I think this particularly is true when a couple already has one child. I know that I would like to have one of each, but I am not going to keep trying until I do.

I do have an issue when someone continues to dwell on their disappointment and voices it aloud to anyone who will listen. It''s fine to be disappointed for a moment, but to let it ruin the happy time that is pregnancy is silly and immature in my opinon. I also think about how that child would feel if one day someone slipped up and let them know their mom/dad was disappointed when they found out what they were having.

 

[qtiekiki]

All these stories reminded me about DH''s aunt. She is in her early fifties. She has 3 girls, oldest is 22 and youngest is 13. A couple years ago, her inlaws hinted to her husband that they should have another baby, so they can have a boy. I guess they said no b/c the aunt is already in her late 40''s/early 50''s. I don''t know the exact convo. Then the inlaws told her husband to get another woman (younger woman), so he can have a boy. The aunt was laughing when she was telling us, but I can''t imagine that she wasn''t mad when she first heard it. So crazy that they would suggest that. It''s horrible.

 

[packrat]

JD had the same..apprehensions, I''ll call them, when we found out our first was a girl, as I ended up having when we found out our 2nd was a boy. I know girl stuff, JD knows boy stuff. I was more comfortable having a girl than I was, or thought I would be, having a boy. The thing of it is, it took me about a millisecond to let it sink in once the u/s confirmed it..and I was in love with him the second I found out I was pregnant, regardless of the sex. When he was born, I was so head over heels and..euphoric I suppose, that we had one of each.

Were we to adopt, I think I would probably ask for a girl..not b/c girls are better or anything, but b/c I think it would be easier to get a girl. JD said boy-he just wants another son. He would be over the moon if we adopted a girl too, just as I would be if we adopted a boy.

Neither of us really care..we just love babies and being parents!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If I may...I can completely understand how people may feel that my view was "harsh"...thinking a mother is selfish for sobbing over the gender of their impending baby...but come on ladies, lets get real here...I think it''s awful that a mother-to-be would cry over the gender of her baby. Come on. That''s awful. I think babies are blessings...but, if you''re pregnant there are no guarantees...and esspecially not when it comes to gender. Having a "wish" is fine, and if it''s a cultural thing, that''s perfectly fine...but to hope so hard for a particular gender that when you find out otherwise you''re reduced to tears just seems to so wrong to me. Put that energy in to wanting a healthy baby, a happy baby.

I''m not saying that it''s abnormal to desire a certain sex...but there has to be a point where it goes from normal to over the top. I think hysterics would be that line.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/28/2009 3:35:20 PM
Author: qtiekiki
All these stories reminded me about DH''s aunt. She is in her early fifties. She has 3 girls, oldest is 22 and youngest is 13. A couple years ago, her inlaws hinted to her husband that they should have another baby, so they can have a boy. I guess they said no b/c the aunt is already in her late 40''s/early 50''s. I don''t know the exact convo. Then the inlaws told her husband to get another woman (younger woman), so he can have a boy. The aunt was laughing when she was telling us, but I can''t imagine that she wasn''t mad when she first heard it. So crazy that they would suggest that. It''s horrible.

Wow, that story made my jaw drop. The nerve of some people!

As for my own preferences, I have none. Ever since I learned I was pregnant, I''ve had a feeling it''s going to be a boy. We''re keeping it a surprise until the birth. If we have a girl, I might be surprised, but not disappointed. DH used to say he thought we were having a girl until the ultrasound, where he thinks he saw little boy parts on the little one. He seems very happy with either. He LOVES that baby, and it''s not even out yet!