Wedding Gift Spat - Out of Control

[madelise]

Am I the only one that thinks the gift really IS out of line? Really? Gummy bears, chips, and marshmallow spread? What fancy salsa? I don't even see salsa. I see chips and an off-brand marshmallow spread. I seriously think the giver was TRYING to piss someone off with the gag gift! A way to get someone that's a talker to talk a lot, then share with the news how horrible the friend was, me thinks.


Everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame.

 

[missy]

Am I the only one that thinks the gift really IS out of line? Really? Gummy bears, chips, and marshmallow spread? What fancy salsa? I don't even see salsa. I see chips and an off-brand marshmallow spread. I seriously think the giver was TRYING to piss someone off with the gag gift! A way to get someone that's a talker to talk a lot, then share with the news how horrible the friend was, me thinks.


Everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame.

The thing is, no one owes you a gift. Personally I always give cash because that is what is appreciated in my social circles. However, a gift is a gift and not mandatory and if someone invites someone for the gift well, IMO they don't deserve anything.

 

[amc80]

Am I the only one that thinks the gift really IS out of line? Really? Gummy bears, chips, and marshmallow spread? What fancy salsa? I don't even see salsa. I see chips and an off-brand marshmallow spread. I seriously think the giver was TRYING to piss someone off with the gag gift! A way to get someone that's a talker to talk a lot, then share with the news how horrible the friend was, me thinks.


Everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame.

Oh, the gift sucks....I agree with that. But the bride is still in the wrong. Telling a guest that it's basically the guests' job to pay for the wedding and set the couple of for life? I don't think so.

 

[february2003bride]

I just attended a destination wedding early this month and am attending another wedding (close to home) in a couple of weeks. Both invitations stated "We kindly request no boxed gifts" meaning, they want cash. I'm kind of sad that gift registries are disappearing. I thought (for most brides) registering with your FI was suppose to be a fun moment. And as a guest, it's nice for me to go to the site/store, pick something, have it beautifully wrapped and either delivered to their home or brought to the wedding. I remember being SO excited when a couple of weeks before our wedding, boxes of wedding gifts started to arrive! Very much a 'Father of the Bride' movie moment, lol.

While I do agree the gift wasn't maybe appropriate for a wedding- a birthday, yes- the Bride's reaction was absolutely rude and uncalled for.
While I was married 10 years ago, I didn't realize that wedding gifts were to now cover me and my DH's attendance. Sad.

 

[AGBF]

Am I the only one that thinks the gift really IS out of line? Really? Gummy bears, chips, and marshmallow spread? What fancy salsa? I don't even see salsa. I see chips and an off-brand marshmallow spread. I seriously think the giver was TRYING to piss someone off with the gag gift! A way to get someone that's a talker to talk a lot, then share with the news how horrible the friend was, me thinks.

I feel like batting my head against the wall! It doesn't matter what the gift was or if no one gave a gift (except that no thank you note is required is no gift is received). One doesn't cease to be courteous because someone else has bad judgment; comes from a different culture; was brought up without manners; or is simply being terribly selfish although he should know better. One should be courteous because his own character demands that he behave well! This bride behaved terribly. As I said, there is no excuse for what she did. I don't care if she received NO gift. She should have kept her mouth shut like a lady.

Deb

 

[movie zombie]

deb, i agree with you that the bride was so out of line it wasn't even funny.
maybe its a generational thing?
and I have to say that if I was asked to attend a "destination wedding" my mere presence would be gift enough. asking guests to spend their own $ to attend a wedding to make the bride's dream come true and then making it clear that cash is expected? very impolite, imo.

 

[iLander]

And THIS is another reason I hate weddings and avoid them like the plague.

All I can say is that a couple that is this rude and self-centered is not mature enough to get married, much less stay married.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I am always amazed at how rude people can be. I don't know why it surprises me but it does. What a selfish selfish woman. Yeah, that marriage will last. Hello bridezilla.

 

[iLander]

I feel like batting my head against the wall! It doesn't matter what the gift was or if no one gave a gift (except that no thank you note is required is no gift is received). One doesn't cease to be courteous because someone else has bad judgment; comes from a different culture; was brought up without manners; or is simply being terribly selfish although he should know better. One should be courteous because his own character demands that he behave well! This bride behaved terribly. As I said, there is no excuse for what she did. I don't care if she received NO gift. She should have kept her mouth shut like a lady.

Deb

I agree completely, Deb! You do the right thing, because it's the right thing, regardless of other's actions. I think it was Jefferson that said "Integrity is doing the right thing, even if no one is looking."

And this reminds me of another story I heard somewhere: a woman was visiting with a man and his elderly father. The father, in an advanced stage of Alzheimer's started shouting expletives and cursing loudly. The man was mortified and tried to quiet his father, to no avail. The woman looked at the man and said serenely "It's funny, I can make out his voice, but can't understand his words," and continued to enjoy her tea. Eventually, the old man quieted down, and the woman never commented on the outburst. A pleasant afternoon was had by all.

Manners. I miss 'em.

 

[AGBF]

deb, i agree with you that the bride was so out of line it wasn't even funny.
maybe its a generational thing?

I am starting to fear that it may be "a generational thing", MZ. Sharon felt as strongly about this as you and I did, and she is our age (more or less). Some other younger posters certainly also felt as we did, but I guess I didn't hear as much outrage from as many of them as I would have expected.

I found the notion of being told not to bring "boxed gifts" to a wedding incredibly rude. Recently (within the past five years) I was invited to the wedding of a friend's son and told that the couple had lived together so that guests were being asked to pay for things on the couple's Hawaii honeymoon. I believe that, in the end, since we were not going to the wedding, I simply sent a check. I found it outrageous to be asked to pay for events that the couple was going to attend on their honeymoon, however. I like to give boxed gifts. I like to pick things from a registry that the couple will keep. Barring that, I will give a check. I do not want to be told to give a check, however!

I like the old idea that a wedding be done in the style that a bride can afford. I believe it was Emily Post who described a backyard wedding done with charm by a bride who could not afford a lavish wedding. I would rather go there and not be held up for my money than attend a lavish banquet and be stopped at the door for my entrance fee!

Deb

 

[jaysonsmom]

I just attended a destination wedding early this month and am attending another wedding (close to home) in a couple of weeks. Both invitations stated "We kindly request no boxed gifts" meaning, they want cash. I'm kind of sad that gift registries are disappearing. I thought (for most brides) registering with your FI was suppose to be a fun moment. And as a guest, it's nice for me to go to the site/store, pick something, have it beautifully wrapped and either delivered to their home or brought to the wedding. I remember being SO excited when a couple of weeks before our wedding, boxes of wedding gifts started to arrive! Very much a 'Father of the Bride' movie moment, lol.

While I do agree the gift wasn't maybe appropriate for a wedding- a birthday, yes- the Bride's reaction was absolutely rude and uncalled for.
While I was married 10 years ago, I didn't realize that wedding gifts were to now cover me and my DH's attendance. Sad.

My interpretation of "No boxed gifts" for this destination wedding seems to be different than everyone else so far. I don't think it's rude, nor a request for cash.....I just think that they do not want to lug or ship their gifts home....and simple gift card or check would be easier to slip into their luggage.

 

[packrat]

Ugh. this just really irritates me. Next time we have a BBQ I'm factoring in the cost of electricity, water, running the AC, tacking on a charge for use of our house/furniture/toilet/soap and our time for getting our place ready for guests and JD's time standing at the grill and telling people they can either bring me a check for their share or they can bring a bunch of food to compensate.

Factor in the cost of your beautiful ring, and work out the rate per guest for enjoying that view!

Ohhh heeeey now that's a smashing idea, thank you! It is quite stupendous and they should pay for the pleasure.

 

[madelise]

I'm glad I can make you feel like you wanna smash your head against a wall. Isn't the point of this thread to talk about it? So I have a dissenting opinion about the gift, and all of a sudden I'm being rude and ungrateful… while the whole internet is getting their panties in a bunch debating about a duo of crazy friends that obviously have it in for their 15 minutes of fame.


One thing I'd like to point out: I never said the bride was in the right. I just said the gift is ridiculous and that I thought this whole thing is fake or intentionally done for internet fame. But yes, it must be a "generational thing", and all of a sudden, I need a lecture. Right.

 

[Dancing Fire]

For our wedding one of my friend gifted us 6 plastic cups (no wrapping) with a 98 cents K-Mart tag still attached.

 

[iLander]

For our wedding one of my friend gifted us 6 plastic cups (no wrapping) with a 98 cents K-Mart tag still attached.

We got the world's largest silver plated spoon. The thing was over 15 inches long and we've never used it.

I sent a very sincere thank you note.

 

[vc10um]

deb, i agree with you that the bride was so out of line it wasn't even funny.
maybe its a generational thing?

I am starting to fear that it may be "a generational thing", MZ. Sharon felt as strongly about this as you and I did, and she is our age (more or less). Some other younger posters certainly also felt as we did, but I guess I didn't hear as much outrage from as many of them as I would have expected.

Just to comment on the italicized bit, Deb. I think many of us in the younger generation are confronted with these questions of etiquette much more frequently because we are living in the time of our lives in which many of our peers (and we ourselves) are marrying and so we've (1) managed to discuss them to death in our groups of friends already and aren't up to the task of rehashing it on PS and (2) seen it all, possibly first hand, and therefore (sadly) aren't really as surprised anymore. Still horrified, of course, but not surprised.

On the topic of honeymoon registries, I actually quite like the idea. I'm of the opinion that travel is the only thing you can buy that actually makes you richer, and nothing would give me more pleasure than providing the bride and groom with a specific opportunity on their honeymoon that will give them memories that will last a lifetime. Still absolutely nothing wrong with boxed gifts, to be sure (we registered for and received many!), but for a couple that already has a lot of the items needed to set up house I feel like honeymoon registries are a great way for people to still feel like they're purchasing something particular for the couple and not just gifting a check.

 

[AGBF]

I'm glad I can make you feel like you wanna smash your head against a wall. Isn't the point of this thread to talk about it? So I have a dissenting opinion about the gift, and all of a sudden I'm being rude and ungrateful… while the whole internet is getting their panties in a bunch debating about a duo of crazy friends that obviously have it in for their 15 minutes of fame.


One thing I'd like to point out: I never said the bride was in the right. I just said the gift is ridiculous and that I thought this whole thing is fake or intentionally done for internet fame. But yes, it must be a "generational thing", and all of a sudden, I need a lecture. Right.

Yes, you made me want to smash my head against a wall.

No, YOU were not being rude and ungrateful. I had no intention of tarring you with the same brush as the bride. I saw you as an innocent bystander. That part you misunderstood. I wanted to smash my head against the wall because you didn't share my outrage.

Did I think you needed a lecture? Maybe. I might have to cop to that. I might have to cop to I was lecturing everyone who wasn't as outraged as I am. But I will claim that to be part of the discussion that you pointed out was the point of the thread.

Deb

 

[february2003bride]

I just attended a destination wedding early this month and am attending another wedding (close to home) in a couple of weeks. Both invitations stated "We kindly request no boxed gifts" meaning, they want cash. I'm kind of sad that gift registries are disappearing. I thought (for most brides) registering with your FI was suppose to be a fun moment. And as a guest, it's nice for me to go to the site/store, pick something, have it beautifully wrapped and either delivered to their home or brought to the wedding. I remember being SO excited when a couple of weeks before our wedding, boxes of wedding gifts started to arrive! Very much a 'Father of the Bride' movie moment, lol.

While I do agree the gift wasn't maybe appropriate for a wedding- a birthday, yes- the Bride's reaction was absolutely rude and uncalled for.
While I was married 10 years ago, I didn't realize that wedding gifts were to now cover me and my DH's attendance. Sad.

My interpretation of "No boxed gifts" for this destination wedding seems to be different than everyone else so far. I don't think it's rude, nor a request for cash.....I just think that they do not want to lug or ship their gifts home....and simple gift card or check would be easier to slip into their luggage.

Possibly, but I know that they wanted cash. If they were concerned about bringing gift boxes back (they were driving home- about a 9 hour drive), gift registries ship directly to the bride and groom.

 

[february2003bride]

deb, i agree with you that the bride was so out of line it wasn't even funny.
maybe its a generational thing?

I am starting to fear that it may be "a generational thing", MZ. Sharon felt as strongly about this as you and I did, and she is our age (more or less). Some other younger posters certainly also felt as we did, but I guess I didn't hear as much outrage from as many of them as I would have expected.

Just to comment on the italicized bit, Deb. I think many of us in the younger generation are confronted with these questions of etiquette much more frequently because we are living in the time of our lives in which many of our peers (and we ourselves) are marrying and so we've (1) managed to discuss them to death in our groups of friends already and aren't up to the task of rehashing it on PS and (2) seen it all, possibly first hand, and therefore (sadly) aren't really as surprised anymore. Still horrified, of course, but not surprised.

On the topic of honeymoon registries, I actually quite like the idea. I'm of the opinion that travel is the only thing you can buy that actually makes you richer, and nothing would give me more pleasure than providing the bride and groom with a specific opportunity on their honeymoon that will give them memories that will last a lifetime. Still absolutely nothing wrong with boxed gifts, to be sure (we registered for and received many!), but for a couple that already has a lot of the items needed to set up house I feel like honeymoon registries are a great way for people to still feel like they're purchasing something particular for the couple and not just gifting a check.

I like honeymoon registries as well. I agree that gifting to a honeymoon registry that the couple will remember is very different than the couple wanting a check in hopes to recoup some of the wedding costs or pad their bank account Mom/Dad paid for the wedding.

 

[madelise]

You know I <3 you AGBF. You and all your cakes.




So someone said something about how this bride should have spent less money on her wedding ($100/per plate) instead of begging for money as gifts-----

So I had a conversation this past weekend with my grandmother, who thinks $100/per guest is way more than generous for a wedding gift (we're Chinese, we give money, not gifts).

She said, back during my mom's wedding, she made money from all the gifts. It paid for the wedding, and then some.


Then I had to tell her, yes, $100 used to buy a lot. It used to buy more than 50 gallons of gasoline. It used to buy over 10 movie tickets. Used to.

Nowaday, weddings average $30K across the US. Average. That's not for anything fancy. AVERAGE. It's $50K in California and NY. $100/per person is already cutting it to the bone on how much they spent for their wedding. These aren't for large weddings. Average.

And won't us younger gen's be condemned, called rude, whatever, for pulling a faux pas like NOT inviting our work friends? Our church friends? Our old classmates? Our parents' friends? Our aunts and uncles that we haven't seen in decades? Yes. We're called rude. So then we have an option of not having a wedding altogether. Oh, but then the rumors fly that the only reason the couple is getting married is because of *whisper whisper whisper*. She must be pregnant. He must be losing his job and needs to get under her health insurance. Something *must* have happened. Another option is to elope. OH BUT HOW COULD THEY How could they do this to their loved ones and families, who have been waiting their whole lives to watch them marry? Another option would be to take out loans or to borrow money from family. Did we not just have recent threads about how stupid that is?



Also remember that the average 25 year old doesn't have as much money to their name anymore. We're all pursuing higher education because we need to. Because it's too darn hard to get a job anymore without higher ed. So we take out loans for school, and don't work full-time. And then we get yelled at by our family that we are of marrying age, and still aren't married. WITH WHAT MONEY?

Way I see it is, no matter what, no matter how anyone this generation decides to get married.. We get condemned. So whatever if people get pissed about the wanting of $ > gifts. It's getting more and more popular because people need it, and a basket of chips and marshmallows isn't going to pay the wedding bill. So a lot of us young people just don't give a rat's behind about being thought rude. We all wear the F word on our foreheads and go on about whatever makes us happy for the moment.






Do I think this bride was in the right about shaming her guest? No. I wouldn't do it.
But can I understand that this poor bride was probably under an immense amount of pressure because of the wedding itself (not to mention it's a same sex wedding-- I can only imagine how much MORE pressure there is!), and got caught up with her emotions and blew up on the guest who also did something as ridiculous as gifting chips to a wedding. And now this poor bride is stuck with this horrible story of her being ungrateful, permanently on the internet.

 

[movie zombie]

...............And won't us younger gen's be condemned, called rude, whatever, for pulling a faux pas like NOT inviting our work friends? Our church friends? Our old classmates? Our parents' friends? Our aunts and uncles that we haven't seen in decades? Yes. We're called rude. So then we have an option of not having a wedding altogether. Oh, but then the rumors fly that the only reason the couple is getting married is because of *whisper whisper whisper*. She must be pregnant. He must be losing his job and needs to get under her health insurance. Something *must* have happened. Another option is to elope. OH BUT HOW COULD THEY How could they do this to their loved ones and families, who have been waiting their whole lives to watch them marry? Another option would be to take out loans or to borrow money from family. Did we not just have recent threads about how stupid that is?.....................

actually, this has for a very long time been true: it was the same way in 1967 and i'm betting it was the same way in 1957 and 1947........

 

[madelise]

...............And won't us younger gen's be condemned, called rude, whatever, for pulling a faux pas like NOT inviting our work friends? Our church friends? Our old classmates? Our parents' friends? Our aunts and uncles that we haven't seen in decades? Yes. We're called rude. So then we have an option of not having a wedding altogether. Oh, but then the rumors fly that the only reason the couple is getting married is because of *whisper whisper whisper*. She must be pregnant. He must be losing his job and needs to get under her health insurance. Something *must* have happened. Another option is to elope. OH BUT HOW COULD THEY How could they do this to their loved ones and families, who have been waiting their whole lives to watch them marry? Another option would be to take out loans or to borrow money from family. Did we not just have recent threads about how stupid that is?.....................

actually, this has for a very long time been true: it was the same way in 1967 and i'm betting it was the same way in 1957 and 1947........

Okay, but this is in addition to all the crazy raised prices of weddings. Weddings did not cost a bajillion bucks in 1967, 57, or 47. So if the whole generation is going to be rude, why not just not care about the "rude" label anymore and just do whatever we want, traditional manners be damned?

I'm not talking about this specific duo of friends. I'm talking about the whole anti-money registry. Yes, it should be done in a tactful way, like maybe by word of mouth or by a wedding website… definitely not ON the wedding invitation itself. But why shouldn't one want money > gift?

 

[texaskj]

For me, what it really gets down to is the ridiculous sense of entitlement you see in people nowadays.
And you see it everywhere; crosses all demographics. Where did they get the idea it was OK to act this way?
My favorite go-to gift for weddings is a silver picture frame. Available all over in an array of prices.

 

[Circe]

Apparently the thing about the average cost of weddings is a bit of a red herring, confusing mean and median.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/...rs_on_the_price_of_a_wedding_are_totally.html

I don't actually see anything wrong with saying "I want cash and not a useless fish fork" on the registry. I just don't think anybody gets to charge admission for a personal celebration. ASK for cash, by all means. Just don't whine if you get $10 and not $100. Presumably the invitee was there for their presence, not the swag.

 

[iLander]

...............And won't us younger gen's be condemned, called rude, whatever, for pulling a faux pas like NOT inviting our work friends? Our church friends? Our old classmates? Our parents' friends? Our aunts and uncles that we haven't seen in decades? Yes. We're called rude. So then we have an option of not having a wedding altogether. Oh, but then the rumors fly that the only reason the couple is getting married is because of *whisper whisper whisper*. She must be pregnant. He must be losing his job and needs to get under her health insurance. Something *must* have happened. Another option is to elope. OH BUT HOW COULD THEY How could they do this to their loved ones and families, who have been waiting their whole lives to watch them marry? Another option would be to take out loans or to borrow money from family. Did we not just have recent threads about how stupid that is?.....................

actually, this has for a very long time been true: it was the same way in 1967 and i'm betting it was the same way in 1957 and 1947........

Okay, but this is in addition to all the crazy raised prices of weddings. Weddings did not cost a bajillion bucks in 1967, 57, or 47. So if the whole generation is going to be rude, why not just not care about the "rude" label anymore and just do whatever we want, traditional manners be damned?

And why do you think that was? Because we had modest weddings back then. We weren't out to impress our competitive, judgemental friends, and we didn't feel this weird peer pressure: "If Jessica has a 4 piece band, and Mr Fancy Pants catering, my friends (frenemies) will look down on me if I don't do at least that." A wedding is a celebration of a union, not a spend-fest to impress people. True friends will love you if you're married by a justice of the peace. As for all those work friends? Give it 5 years, with job changes and attrition, you'll never see any of them again. Tell all those workmates, classmates, etc., "It's a small family wedding," and they'll think about it for 5 minutes, and then forget all about it. Who cares? They can suck it.

A clearance wedding dress, a small church wedding, a reception at someone's lovely home. Where's the $30K? Why the $30K?

If someone Chooses to have a big wedding, and can't really afford it, then that's just foolish.

 

[maccers]

I think rude behaviour is found across all generations but it comes in different forms. I had a conversation yesterday with a colleague, she got married in her late 20s (she's now mid30s). She didn't want to have a bridal shower but her mother insisted because that's how it's done in their community. There was a picture of the bride and groom to be at the entryway and my poor colleague had to listen to whispers among the older women about 'how dark' her Fiancé's skin colour was and watch them frown in confusion and disapproval. They hadn't realized she was marrying someone half-Asian.

Is everyone in an 'older' generation prejudice or discriminatory? No, of course not. And the same is true of younger generations with regard to being manner-less and tactless.

I am outraged at the bride's behaviour though I did not strongly voice my opinion here. I'm very cautious with what and how I post things in PS or any forum for that matter. I also wasn't sure what kind of reception I would get with that article, I have read other PS threads that stated the norm IS to give a gift that covers the cost of your plate. As I plan my wedding, these issues of etiquette keep coming up and I realize that not everyone is on the same page as me (just like the decision to wear pantyhose or not) so I wanted more perspective.

 

[iLander]

For me, what it really gets down to is the ridiculous sense of entitlement you see in people nowadays.
And you see it everywhere; crosses all demographics. Where did they get the idea it was OK to act this way?
My favorite go-to gift for weddings is a silver picture frame. Available all over in an array of prices.

I blame reality TV shows. The majority of them show people being rude (and entitled) and when kids grow up with it, they think that's how they should act.

I hate reality TV shows, every single one of them.

 

[iLander]

Sigh . . .

Can't seem to delete the duplicate post.

Carry on . . .

 

[texaskj]

The only reality show I can stand is Cops.

 

[madelise]

You know what really, really pisses me off? When the older generation has a higher than thou attitude towards younger people, assumes we're all horribly wretched and rude, and we're all just exactly like reality TV show stars. Oh, and that the dollar costs exactly the same, so to spend more money because of inflation of the years MUST mean that we're immodest people.