luckystar112
Ideal_Rock
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Oh Gypsy...maybe I should have read the whole thread first. I''m so sorry for your loss!
TMI?
- Thread starter Gypsy
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isaku5
Ideal_Rock
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Oh Gypsy, I''m so sorry for your and John''s loss. If I remember correctly, when you lived in NJ, you took wonderful care of John''s grandpa who lived very close by; I''m sure he was grateful for your attention (great meals!) and company.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and John.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and John.
Independent Gal
Ideal_Rock
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So sorry to hear of your loss, Gypsy. I hope you and your FI will take comfort from each other.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
kcoursolle
Super_Ideal_Rock
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My thoughts are with you Gypsy, so sorry.
surfgirl
Ideal_Rock
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Gypsy, first, let me also say I''m sorry for your loss and I hope you and your FI are doing alright.
About your OP...I can totally relate. I have a circle of really close friends, none of whom live near me, and several who live all over the world. I''m lucky that when I travel globally for work, I can see them here and there. But on a daily basis, I have no real close girlfriends here in CA...And I too have been called "intense". I work in intl. relief work so I''m up to my ears in HIV/AIDS issues in Africa and Asia. When I come home, it''s sometimes difficult to listen to people drone on and on about matters that seem trivial to me based on my work overseas. One minute I''m working with empoverished people in Africa, the next a woman in my Pilates class if bitching about her wedding planning...and I cant help but think "man, this woman is totally unappreciative, doesn''t she know how lucky she is to just live in the USA???" And it makes it difficult for me to make friends sometimes because my life experiences make me a bit more judgemental of others. That and the long periods of travel make it difficult at best to create and maintain any meaningful friendships here where I live. So like you, I get lonely sometimes, though I''m used to being alone alot since I travel alone for work.
But aside from our individual situations that may contribute to making some of us have a harder time making friends, my best friend from college and I were talking last year and we decided that the older you get, the more difficult it seems to make "meaningful" friendships that are long lasting. My good friends will be my good friends forever. And they''ve been good friends for a very long time, some more than 25 years. But I dont really have those deep bonds with my newer friends. Maybe it''s just getting older, we get more picky about who we''re wiling to put time aside for? Or we realize that we really want to have a few close friends who we''d do anything for?
All this is to say that I dont think what you''re describing is particularly unusual, I''d say most of my good friends would describe a similar situation...They''re friends are scattered around the country/world and most dont have really close friends nearby. Why not try joining a club or something, where you share similar interests with other people, as a way to make new friends? Just a thought. I''ve been in the same Pilates class for a few years now and have managed to cultivate a friend there who I now play tennis with. And another who has invited me out but I haven''t been able to join her yet. She likes to drink, I dont. But you know what? I''m going to go out with her one night soon, just to go out with someone socially, for fun. Sometimes you''ve gotta force yourself to get out there because let''s face it, the couch is a pretty comfortable place most of the time
About your OP...I can totally relate. I have a circle of really close friends, none of whom live near me, and several who live all over the world. I''m lucky that when I travel globally for work, I can see them here and there. But on a daily basis, I have no real close girlfriends here in CA...And I too have been called "intense". I work in intl. relief work so I''m up to my ears in HIV/AIDS issues in Africa and Asia. When I come home, it''s sometimes difficult to listen to people drone on and on about matters that seem trivial to me based on my work overseas. One minute I''m working with empoverished people in Africa, the next a woman in my Pilates class if bitching about her wedding planning...and I cant help but think "man, this woman is totally unappreciative, doesn''t she know how lucky she is to just live in the USA???" And it makes it difficult for me to make friends sometimes because my life experiences make me a bit more judgemental of others. That and the long periods of travel make it difficult at best to create and maintain any meaningful friendships here where I live. So like you, I get lonely sometimes, though I''m used to being alone alot since I travel alone for work.
But aside from our individual situations that may contribute to making some of us have a harder time making friends, my best friend from college and I were talking last year and we decided that the older you get, the more difficult it seems to make "meaningful" friendships that are long lasting. My good friends will be my good friends forever. And they''ve been good friends for a very long time, some more than 25 years. But I dont really have those deep bonds with my newer friends. Maybe it''s just getting older, we get more picky about who we''re wiling to put time aside for? Or we realize that we really want to have a few close friends who we''d do anything for?
All this is to say that I dont think what you''re describing is particularly unusual, I''d say most of my good friends would describe a similar situation...They''re friends are scattered around the country/world and most dont have really close friends nearby. Why not try joining a club or something, where you share similar interests with other people, as a way to make new friends? Just a thought. I''ve been in the same Pilates class for a few years now and have managed to cultivate a friend there who I now play tennis with. And another who has invited me out but I haven''t been able to join her yet. She likes to drink, I dont. But you know what? I''m going to go out with her one night soon, just to go out with someone socially, for fun. Sometimes you''ve gotta force yourself to get out there because let''s face it, the couch is a pretty comfortable place most of the time
door knob solitaire
Ideal_Rock
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I too am so sorry that your family lost someone so dear to you.
What a precious gift you have having had that dream. I pray it brings you comfort and strength. Add that dream to the wonderful memories and draw from them when the sorrow seems to strong to bear.
He wanted you to have some peace~ and through that dream you were given closure...with no frayed edges, no loose ends...wrapped up in a bow that will provide you peace. He loved you honey, as you did him.
You are loved and prayed for...
DKS
What a precious gift you have having had that dream. I pray it brings you comfort and strength. Add that dream to the wonderful memories and draw from them when the sorrow seems to strong to bear.
He wanted you to have some peace~ and through that dream you were given closure...with no frayed edges, no loose ends...wrapped up in a bow that will provide you peace. He loved you honey, as you did him.
You are loved and prayed for...
DKS
hlmr
Ideal_Rock
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Gypsy, I read this thread backwards.....firstly, I am sorry to hear of your loss...condolensces to both you and your DH.
Secondly, I am sorry you are feeling badly about your lack of connections right now. I don''t have anything to add to all the great advice, except that I am sure you will be able to get past this and move on with all of your relationships. Why? Because you are taking the time to examine these relationships and why they are, or are not working.... I am sure you will gain a lot of insight just by going through this thought process.
Life is too short to worry about what random people think of you.....focus on the ones that appreciate you for who you are, and try and make sure you are giving back to them what they need too.
Secondly, I am sorry you are feeling badly about your lack of connections right now. I don''t have anything to add to all the great advice, except that I am sure you will be able to get past this and move on with all of your relationships. Why? Because you are taking the time to examine these relationships and why they are, or are not working.... I am sure you will gain a lot of insight just by going through this thought process.
Life is too short to worry about what random people think of you.....focus on the ones that appreciate you for who you are, and try and make sure you are giving back to them what they need too.
Independent Gal
Ideal_Rock
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I echo EXACTLY what Surfgirl said. I think it''s pretty normal and common at our (?) age. Also, in terms of feeling awkward in groups, I get just like that sometimes, particularly if I''m under a lot of stress. I spent a whole year of college like that, and I still feel that way sometimes.
And as for having an ''edge'', all my good friends are like that. I prefer people who aren''t afriad to say what they think! So, just be you! Maybe a lot of this is just the stress from the rest of your life spilling over?
But the key thing is... you''re not alone! I think what you''re experiencing is something many of us can understand. There''s nothing wrong with you.
And as for having an ''edge'', all my good friends are like that. I prefer people who aren''t afriad to say what they think! So, just be you! Maybe a lot of this is just the stress from the rest of your life spilling over?
But the key thing is... you''re not alone! I think what you''re experiencing is something many of us can understand. There''s nothing wrong with you.
FireGoddess
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Gypsy I just saw this - so sorry for your and DH''s loss. *hugs*
Pandora II
Ideal_Rock
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Gypsy I''m so sorry about your loss - best wishes here from the UK
Re your opening post, you are not the only one in thei situation it seems reading through the other posts.
I find it very easy to speak to people the first few times I meet them and then it becomes incredibly hard. I have this horrible need to always be "brilliant and sparkly", which becomes difficult to maintain on a long-term basis. I am also very intense about things I''m interested in, people also find me quite frightening I think as I''m very opinionated and tend to appear superconfident although I''m not! I''m also horribly egocentric although I am working on that, and a terrible listener!
I have found that 95% of people bore me senseless after a while. I have a couple of really good friends who tolerate my terrible bad habits, but they live in other countries right now. As a child I was badly bullied at school for 5-6 years which really wrecked my trust in people and I learnt to enjoy my own company. I also have loads of hobbies and resent giving up my freetime. I think coming from a large family didn''t help - I still turn to my brother and youngest sister when I need company and really enjoy spending time with my family.
Sometimes though it''s easy to worry too much what other people think of you - they are probably going through the same worries themselves.
I was out a couple of weeks ago with FI''s best friend and his girlfriend. She is 43 (I''m nearly 35), really ''cool'', amazing clothes and jewellery, self-made millionaire before she was 20 from a very poor family, has a fantastic career and is really intelligent and funny. I always felt that she must be so bored having to spend an evening with me and FI. Anyhow, she got a little drunk and ended up saying she felt really awful asking but could we be friends because she was so wary of other women and never met any she felt comfortable or happy with, but she really liked spending time with me and would like to have girly lunches - if I felt that would be okay! I was so shocked that this woman who I was so in awe of was worried about asking me to be friends with her!
Finally, you are one of the people on PS whose posts I really enjoy reading! You seem a very lovely person to me!
Another good book is "Emotional Intelligence". FI made me read it because he says mine is so bad - it explained a lot to me and gave me loads to work on.
Re your opening post, you are not the only one in thei situation it seems reading through the other posts.
I find it very easy to speak to people the first few times I meet them and then it becomes incredibly hard. I have this horrible need to always be "brilliant and sparkly", which becomes difficult to maintain on a long-term basis. I am also very intense about things I''m interested in, people also find me quite frightening I think as I''m very opinionated and tend to appear superconfident although I''m not! I''m also horribly egocentric although I am working on that, and a terrible listener!
I have found that 95% of people bore me senseless after a while. I have a couple of really good friends who tolerate my terrible bad habits, but they live in other countries right now. As a child I was badly bullied at school for 5-6 years which really wrecked my trust in people and I learnt to enjoy my own company. I also have loads of hobbies and resent giving up my freetime. I think coming from a large family didn''t help - I still turn to my brother and youngest sister when I need company and really enjoy spending time with my family.
Sometimes though it''s easy to worry too much what other people think of you - they are probably going through the same worries themselves.
I was out a couple of weeks ago with FI''s best friend and his girlfriend. She is 43 (I''m nearly 35), really ''cool'', amazing clothes and jewellery, self-made millionaire before she was 20 from a very poor family, has a fantastic career and is really intelligent and funny. I always felt that she must be so bored having to spend an evening with me and FI. Anyhow, she got a little drunk and ended up saying she felt really awful asking but could we be friends because she was so wary of other women and never met any she felt comfortable or happy with, but she really liked spending time with me and would like to have girly lunches - if I felt that would be okay! I was so shocked that this woman who I was so in awe of was worried about asking me to be friends with her!
Finally, you are one of the people on PS whose posts I really enjoy reading! You seem a very lovely person to me!
Another good book is "Emotional Intelligence". FI made me read it because he says mine is so bad - it explained a lot to me and gave me loads to work on.
Cehrabehra
Super_Ideal_Rock
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I''m sorry - I have no constructive criticism for you because I have never NOT liked you. From day one 
But I am sorry that you feel this way....
But I am sorry that you feel this way....
Gypsy
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Thank you all so much for your kind words and warm comfort.
I am back at work today. And it''s a little surprising to me how much at sea I feel right now. John is still in NJ, and will be returning some time next week and I''m well, a little overly emotional still. I really loved that wonderful old man. It was really nice to be able to attend the viewings and the funeral as it did provide some closure and a chance to say good bye. I am very happy that I am demonstrative, and that I don''t have any regrets in terms of telling him how I felt. He knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me.
On the intorspection and soul searching front regarding the whole personality and intensity issue. I''m a little raw right now... so I think I''m going to stick with buying the books you all mentioned this weekend and reviewing this post in a few weeks, when I''m a little more balanced. I thank you all for your insight, support, patience and caring.
I will be on the boards... it does relax me.
One thing I discovered... I was much more relaxed in NJ. On Sunday we all gathered in the evening at FSIL''s house and had a BBQ... sat around the fire pit reminising about grandpa''s life... and while it was a very sad time... I was very relaxed. Much more so than I am here. It made me realize that it was the first time I felt at home and comfortable since I moved out here. I think that might be part of the problem. I wasn''t relaxing out here, and didn''t realize it. I am going to be making an effort to be more comfortable and relazed, both for myself and for John. And I think that if I take a deep breath and just ''be'' for a while... everything will come easier.
Thank you all!
Layla
I am back at work today. And it''s a little surprising to me how much at sea I feel right now. John is still in NJ, and will be returning some time next week and I''m well, a little overly emotional still. I really loved that wonderful old man. It was really nice to be able to attend the viewings and the funeral as it did provide some closure and a chance to say good bye. I am very happy that I am demonstrative, and that I don''t have any regrets in terms of telling him how I felt. He knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me.
On the intorspection and soul searching front regarding the whole personality and intensity issue. I''m a little raw right now... so I think I''m going to stick with buying the books you all mentioned this weekend and reviewing this post in a few weeks, when I''m a little more balanced. I thank you all for your insight, support, patience and caring.
I will be on the boards... it does relax me.
One thing I discovered... I was much more relaxed in NJ. On Sunday we all gathered in the evening at FSIL''s house and had a BBQ... sat around the fire pit reminising about grandpa''s life... and while it was a very sad time... I was very relaxed. Much more so than I am here. It made me realize that it was the first time I felt at home and comfortable since I moved out here. I think that might be part of the problem. I wasn''t relaxing out here, and didn''t realize it. I am going to be making an effort to be more comfortable and relazed, both for myself and for John. And I think that if I take a deep breath and just ''be'' for a while... everything will come easier.
Thank you all!
Layla
oshinbreez
Brilliant_Rock
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Welcome back. Just take your time. Things will get easier.
FireGoddess
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Ditto on all counts. Also, in regard to the OP it is very hard to move across the country! Harder to make friends at a job than in a school or peer type situation, less or no family or support system...don''t be too hard on yourself.
Gypsy
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Hi Lisa,
I did love him very much, I don''t think there was anyone who met him that didn''t. He just that type of person. Thank you for your kind thoughts. ((HUGS)) are always appreciated thank you.
FG-- Thank you honey. I will definitely keep your advice in perspective. ((HUGS)).
I did love him very much, I don''t think there was anyone who met him that didn''t. He just that type of person. Thank you for your kind thoughts. ((HUGS)) are always appreciated thank you.
FG-- Thank you honey. I will definitely keep your advice in perspective. ((HUGS)).
jas
Brilliant_Rock
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Layla,
So glad you''re back...I have to say that I am originally from NJ and was in a 5th grade class with a gal named Layla...you didn''t happen to have Mrs. Stabile, did you?
Either way, best to you...you are stronger than you know. Your strength and wonderfulness shine through your posts.
Hugs,
Jackie
So glad you''re back...I have to say that I am originally from NJ and was in a 5th grade class with a gal named Layla...you didn''t happen to have Mrs. Stabile, did you?
Either way, best to you...you are stronger than you know. Your strength and wonderfulness shine through your posts.
Hugs,
Jackie
Gypsy
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Hi Jas, thank you so much for your words. I really appreciated your post about the PS shoulders, it was a really lovely thought! I attended primary and secondary school in CA... I moved to NJ four....four?? years ago via Washington DC. My DF is from NJ though! Thank you for all your wonderful words Jas. I really appreciate them.
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Awww, Gypsy. I haven''t read through this thread but I just wanted to say that my impression of you when we met at the GTG was: friendly, high-energy, passionate about jewelry, and very smart. ALL good things! I really believe that as we get older, the circle of people who you "click" with gets smaller. We get set in our ways, our personalities settle in, life circumstances change (some ppl get married, others don''t, some have kids, some don''t, etc)....so it''s not like in college where you pretty much can get along and hang out with everyone -- back then there were a lot more common denominators.
Now that I''m a lil older, I recognize that there are only 2 categories of friends in my life: 1) perfectly nice people who I''m content to casually socialize with once in awhile (larger circle of people), and 2) WAY fewer people (I can count them on one hand) who are such close friends that I''d consider them my family. There is no in between category. You are a sweet person and I have no doubt that you are wonderful "friend" material. It''s just a matter of finding the *right* people to click with.
Now that I''m a lil older, I recognize that there are only 2 categories of friends in my life: 1) perfectly nice people who I''m content to casually socialize with once in awhile (larger circle of people), and 2) WAY fewer people (I can count them on one hand) who are such close friends that I''d consider them my family. There is no in between category. You are a sweet person and I have no doubt that you are wonderful "friend" material. It''s just a matter of finding the *right* people to click with.
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