TMI?

[Gypsy]

I don''t know if this is sharing too much online.

But, well.

I don''t know how to make friends anymore. I just... can''t. I don''t know how to connect with people even if I do meet someone I think it would be nice to hangout with.

Even on here it''s really hard.

I think its my personality. I think it puts people off. And I don''t know what to do.

If this is uncomfortable for you guys... sorry. I''ve just been thinking about it for a while, and I tried talking to my friends and DF IRL... but they didn''t have any help to offer.

Anyone want to be blunt with me?

What''s wrong me?

 

[chrono]

Damn, I typed a whole bunch, and now its gone!

Gypsy, are you an introvert? An introvert usually feels difficult to connect with people that they only see once a while because they just don''t feel comfortable. For me, I try to join groups that are passionate about the same things that interest me: tennis, orchids, and the like. Do you think something like that will interest you? This way, it is easier to start that "connection". Sometimes, you just have to get out of your comfort zone and after a while, it just becomes easier.

 

[decodelighted]

This is a polly-anna-ish suggestion but ... "How To Win Friends & Influence People". Get it. It''s a great book for intelligent people -- because it breaks down what a lot of people seem to pick up intuitively about friendship & interpersonal relationships -- and translates it for "thinky types".

As to "what''s wrong with you". I don''t see stuff like that. Everyone has their own issues & challenges. Everyone! Naming your "issue" -- or what you suspect might be your issue is a good first step. Step #2 -- read the book.

 

[jcrow]

**off to find the book*****

 

[Gypsy]

I don't know.. I'm uncomfortable so I can overcompensate-- and seem to eager. But the last couple of times I've really been trying hard to just be 'me.' And I thought things went well, but when I called to follow up with the people... it isn't working.

I think my biggest problem is that I'm very focused on me. Maybe I talk about me too much. I think. I don't know.

I was wondering if some of you knew. I was kinda hoping you guys did. So I would know what the problem is. And fix it. You know?

Going to pick the book up ASAP.

 

[decodelighted]

Here''s the Wiki entry about the book. if anyone''s interested in a "quick glimpse". The book''s examples etc are where it really shines though.

 

[merrijoy]

I think I can make friends. I am shy, but friendly. I just can not find people that I click with.
What I don't understand is how people have the time and money for friends. I know that sounds really bad, but let me explain.
My week consists of working from 9 am to 6 pm daily, going to the gym from 7:30 to 9 pm daily, then coming home, showering, laundry, cleaning up and 1 - 2 hours of tv and bed at midnight.
On the weekends, I go to the gym for 1 1/2 hours both days, and always have errands that I like to do by myself as I feel unfocused with others around - ie I find it hard to go clothes shopping with others.
Then, I really don't like to go out to eat too much because of hidden calories and crazy prices. We like to eat out 1 day a week, 2 max. That is usually reserved for Friday with my DH. So what to do with friends, I don't know. And now add the crazy gas price to the mix, I do not like to drive far.
I don't know how some people afford to have so many affairs to go to - ie Bridal Showers, Baby Showers, Birthday parties, Weddings and spending $30+ a pop on a gift for the showers and $50+ on Wedding gift. If I had a bunch of friends and did this every weekend as I know some friends to do, I think I would go broke. I know of people who buy new outfits for $100+, plus $100+ gifts 2 times a weekend almost every weekend. I think I am selfish and want this money to myself. We have friends who make their birthday parties multi weekend long events with out of town excursions and dinners and they want you to join in, but then you have to pay for it - which is correct, but I can simply not afford that.
So, I think I put up a mental block and find it easier to focus on what I find easy and routine.

ETA: And as my parents are getting older, I like to spend time with them as much as possible when I have extra time.

Very rambling, but you are not alone.

M

 

[Gypsy]

Wow. I''m just looking at that, and... I have a lot of changing to do. I''m screwed.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/11/2007 4:56:12 PM
Author: Gypsy
Wow. I''m just looking at that, and... I have a lot of changing to do. I''m screwed.

I almost didn''t link to it because it does seem overwhelming when laid out like that. The book is much more gradual ... and the WHYS and EXAMPLES really make somethings seem worth trying. Worth EXPERIMENTING with, yanno. Soon you find yourself in situations and those ideas just pop into your mind ... what if I said XXXX instead of what I would normally say. You TRY it just to see what happens ... and if the outcome is different, you kinda go "Huh ... I *like* that result" and you naturally think to do it again.

Does that make sense? I kinda started some of the things just to prove they DIDN''T work -- in my own contrary way. Let''s just say, I was suprised.

It''s probably even more overwhelming because is so OPPOSITE of a competitive nature. So OPPOSITE to law school, law firm culture. That''s why little bits, little steps, one technique at a time might be more manageable & even pleasurable if ultimately it gets YOU what YOU want: connections.

 

[Gypsy]

Thanks SD! And Chrono and everyone who as replied so far.

Deco... It is overwelming. But I will give it a try. I promise. It can only help. I think I''m abrasive. I don''t mean to be. I really don''t. But I think that''s the impression I give.

The "be truly interested in other people'' thing is hard too. Most of the people I meet... *shakes head*... but there are a occasional folks that I would be willing to exert for.

 

[Skippy123]

I think you are fine. If you do feel yourself talking about yourself; try and ask questions about others too. Everyone said that is my biggest asset; I think if you truly care about others your relationship will grow

 

[Gypsy]

LaJolla is lovely. Really lovely. People watching, huh? I should try that sometime.

One step at a time. Great advice, thank you SD. I find trust hard too. YOu''re not alone either.

 

[Mara]

my take on it? your problem is that you think something is wrong with you. however, i think you just aren't finding the right people for your personality.

obviously your DH loves you the way you are and is willing to marry you and deal with you forever, so you must have some redeeming qualities right?

use him as an example. find people who see the good qualities in you rather than the bad.

my thought in terms of life and friends and all that is that life is short. i am extremely picky with who i choose to let into my life. the reason is that i just do not have the time to deal with a bunch of random people on a continual basis. i will never be one of those people who has like 500 friends. i know people like that but i can never be one...though i am friends with a few of them.

i value my time so much that i prefer to spend it with people who really mean something to me. that is my family, my husband, my dog, and a select group of friends...some are couple friends and some are just my friends. sometimes i find a new friend and we just INSTANTLY click where you really want to get to know them better and make that time for them. that is how it has been with our new neighbors, we adore them, they are so compatible with us both in a solitary way (aka he and greg click and she and i click separately from our spouses) and a couple way (where we all can hang together and it's a lot of fun and we have group convos as well).

lately i have been more social than i think i have in the past, i think as we are getting older we find it's more important to also have those external people who mean something to us rather than just life being all about ourselves all the time. we find that when we are social it also makes our own relationship better somehow. the funny thing is that we have more friends in general now but i think i have more girlfriends than greg has guyfriends...and he doesn't care to have any more than he has now. he would say he doesn't have the time or energy for anyone else in his life and he likes it just fine the way he is. such a liberating perspective! i have the same view for the most part as well, but i think i am a bit more open to new friends that i might just click with.

gypsy, having met you...you are a very INTENSE person. you look intense, your manner of speaking is intense...everything just comes off as super important and intense. i think when exposed to that on a long-term basis it could be draining for some people? i'm just throwing out ideas here having met you and spent a little bit of time with you as to what you are talking about when you feel you put some people off. i am not that easily off put, but most of my friends are very easy-going and do not require much energy from me to keep our relationship going in a really positive manner. i don't think i'd do very well with a needy or intense friend in general because it would just drain me. my life is busy enough with enough going on, that i can't really deal with everyone else's problems. in general, however, i do make time for my friends and family and am there whenever they need me because if i am good friends or close with someone, it's because i value them enough to make time for them in my life regardless of what else is going on or how busy i am. you just fit the important people in wherever you can because they are important.

my personality is an interesting one...i would imagine some people might find me off putting, i have been told my expression can be intense or solemn or angry when in reality i just tend to be thinking about something random. i also am pretty blunt and speak my mind, i can be not quite miss sensitive at times (esp if someone asks for honestly). not everyone loves everything about me i am sure! but the people in my life love me because of who i am, in spite it of it maybe? i don't feel like i have to change to find those people out there...we either click or we don't...and that is why there are so many people out there in the world. some are made for each other and some aren't.

anyway the jist for me is not that you necessarily have to CHANGE (because let's face it, changing is very hard, and the older you get the harder it is to change!) but rather find people who can appreciate you for what you are and what you do bring to the table. if you have that attitude, i think you will find more people who are interested in being with you and spending time with you. but thinking 'what is wrong with me' isn't going to get you more friends...it will probably just make you depressed!

it sounds like lately you and your DF have been having some issues as well...do you think that this feeling of 'what is wrong with me' and 'i have to change' has something to do with that as well?? maybe with the disharmony going on in your household you feel kind of like you aren't clicking with him as much and you realize you don't really have a support of friends here either so maybe something IS wrong with you? in which case, i'd address your relationship first and foremost...and look to how you can improve that. i find when i am most in sync with Greg that i am happiest in my life overall.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/11/2007 6:36:06 PM
Author: Mara
i''d address your relationship first and foremost...and look to how you can improve that.

The "changes" or behaviors that I suggested via the book are just as if not more helpful in intimate relationships too! Some of them SHOUTED out to me when I re-thought of your "Honey Do List" thread ...

Life is effort. Connecting takes effort. There''s truth in the "find people that like you as is" approach ... but it can''t hurt to explore YOUR part in the picture too. The common denominator in all your relationships is *you*. I think it''s smart to *consider* little changes -- they can make a huge difference in your quality of life.

 

[Kaleigh]

Is there anyone at work that you would like to hang out with?? How about joining an organization that you feel passionately about?? For me I met most of my closest friends through my kids. You come across as a very caring person, give it some time. When you least expect it, it happens. Be open to that, and don''t try too hard.

 

[Maisie]

I am really friendly and I can relate to people on all levels. But try to get in my front door and its a whole different story. I just don''t want that. I prefer to be in control of what I do and who I see but as a result I don''t have any close female friends. I think I relied on my sister too much and when she moved over 300 miles away I was completely lost.

I don''t mind being solitary most of the time. The main problem comes when I have an argument with my hubby and I have nobody to go and complain to!

 

[neatfreak]

Gypsy,

From a completely outside "I don''t know you at all except from PS" perspective, you come across as very intense. You''re also brutally honest (a trait I share too!) and I think some people just can''t handle that. In fact, I have lost friends (well I guess they weren''t really friends) because they asked me to be honest and I was! Some people just cannot handle anyone who isn''t happy go lucky and nicey nice all the time. But that being said, I don''t think you need to change who you are to get others to like you.

The book Deco suggested is great and really fascinating. I agree with you that most people I meet I am NOT interested in talking to, etc. But I make an effort and smile and am nice. Ask them a lot of questions about themselves, etc. Basically, I just suck up the "blahness" of most people when I am at parties or in social situations. I have a hard time finding intelligent, interesting, non-catty women to hang out with, so I just stick with my few tried and true friends. BUT I met all of them in random situations by just striking up a conversation. My theory is for every 50 people or so that I meet I *might* want to be friends with one of them. If you can bring yourself to start conversations with everyone then only follow up with people you really click with, I think you''ll have some success!!!

Best of luck in your quest.

 

[Gypsy]

Kaleigh, at work yes, I have a couple of people I hang out with... but one of them is... well she's not a good influence. She brings out the worst traits in my character. Unfortunately she's my boss.

What does intense mean? It sounds like one of those words that people use when they are trying to be diplomatic. I don't like those. LOL. (I will try to like those). Does it mean too... something? Break that down for me, cause I don't understand 'too intense'... if it's just a way of dressing it up and taking it out ont he town... gimme the brutal morning light version. I dont' need the tassles. LOL.


Although now that I think about it. my boss could be called intense. And draining. Soo... she's also lonely, and insecure and brutally honest, and tactless.

Hmm. Getting the intense thing. Seeing it in the morning light. Got it. So I'm insecure, constantly in need of attention, too honest, and tactless. Generally not comfortable in my own skin. And it shows.

Thats bad.

But this is good. Sometimes a mirror held up in front of my face is just what I need.

Okay. Going to work hard on the intense. Don't want to be my boss. REALLY don't want that.

More laid back. Not sure how to do that, but gonna work on it. Is there a 'be more laidback' book?

Books are good.

This has been really good. Thanks everyone.

As for changing who I am... there is the core of me. I like that part. But the outside layers of the onion are a problem. As long as I'm true to me... why can't I change some of the outside layers? I think *I* might like me more if I did. I would like to like me. I think I did at some point.

And I don't know when I stopped. But I did. And I think Mara is right. I have to like me before others do.
So a change is in order.

 

[pricescope]

I like Gypsy

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 5/11/2007 8:18:19 PM
Author: Pricescope
I like Gypsy

Irinia is the best!!!!

 

[widget]

Gypsy! Your post almost shocked me: "Am I nuts? truly getting senile?

Your description of yourself does NOT match my impressions of that cute friendly girl I met in San Francisco!

I don't think many genuine people have rafts of super-close friends... but if one is new in town it will take some active searching to find a few potential ones.

I'd join a women's group. If you don't have a particular leisure passion to share, then how about women lawyers? How about Junior League, or something?

I'd force myself to stay active and involved in that group for a certain amount of time: 3 to 6 months, maybe. Even if 95% aren't "your type", 5% might be "your type"...and you'll find each other. that's a start.

Is there something else going on?

Take care, Dear..
widget

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/11/2007 8:18:19 PM
Author: Pricescope
I like Gypsy

I think we all do!!!

 

[larussel03]

Aw, gypsy, I'm sorry you're feeling down!

I really think that maybe b/c you're uncomfortable or so self conscious of the things that you think may put people off, that you end up not really connecting with people b/c you're worried about what you may be doing or saying wrong.

I mean, granted, I don't know you personally, but I used to be alot like that. A lot. But then I just decided that I don't care what other people think, (besides my friends, of course, they wouldn't be friends if I didn't value their opinions), and that I was happy with myself and if they didn't like me then that's their problem. And now it's really easy for me to make friends, and I tend to make friends randomly as I go along, at work, after moving away from all my friends and family, when meeting friends' friends, even when I go to dr's offices for work, I tend to become chummy with someone at almost every office. The more you do it, the easier it gets also! And just a few years ago I used to avoid social contact and think that people wouldn't like me and that I had a hard time making friends. It was all about how I perceived myself and how I put myself out there, and that I really didn't follow up with people, because I assumed they wouldn't care if I did or not.

A big part of making friends also is being sincerely interested in other people. And it's a hard thing to do when you're worried that they'll find something wrong with you or if you think you're not an easy person to become friends with. If you're totally self-conscious, it's impossible to actually hear and interact with another person. That's something I've learned along the way also.

Honestly, I think just being confident and accepting that sure, you're flawed, everyone is in some way, but being comfortable with yourself and putting that out there makes a huge difference.

For example, I tend to need affirmation to think people like me, or to think I'm doing a good job. I know this about myself, and this isn't something that people offer on a daily basis--if someone doesn't act positively towards me one day (or doesn't praise my work one day) I'll get upset and think they don't like me, or I'm doing a bad job, but then I tell myself I'm fine and everythign doesn't alwayas have to be about me, and I get over it and realize it's in my head...that's just me and my example though.

I wouldn't aim to change how you are, but to accept how you are. Because once you accept it, it won't be an obstacle. I mean, if you feel you want to tone something down, that's fine, but I wouldn't try to change completely.

And, for what it's worth, I like you : ) You seem like a great friend to have!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Gypsy,
I remember something you wrote to me in a post when Nanny was dying. Nan started a thread titled For Kaleigh. In it you posted that if I ever needed anything you were only a few states away. I was floored by your kind and generous nature. See what I mean??

 

[door knob solitaire]

I like you Gypsy!

I really like you!! (Especially because you have the word TWIT in you vocabulary...

)

You know if everyone of us tip toed through the tulips, it would be an awful boring world. So you and I will just bulldoze the tulips and plant something more substantial!!! Do you hear Tiny Tim?

My husband is a great study of people. He has found that asking others questions...is the key to leveling the field. Everyone usually has something on the tip of their tongue...ready to roll out. he calls them saturated sponges...just poke them and watch it flow! Make it a challenge to press that button on at least one person a day. Could be the staff at the deli...or the doorman...or even the UPS man. Once you get the hang of it...it will be second nature and it opens a whole new world. Someone you think you have an issue with? Study their daily routine. What type of car do they drive...hobby displayed on their desk...bumper sticker...something you just may be curious about. "Hey I noticed your bumper sticker is from Niagra Falls..." just let them tell you. Fing the thing that makes people tick...and allow them to talk about it...and REALLY listen...that is really all everyone wants. To be heard, have value...give that to another person and things will change.

I really do like you, I find your input to be refreshing and insightful. With one exception, I don''t know what TMI stands for.

DKS

 

[Kaleigh]

TMI is too much information, answering DKS

 

[Gypsy]

Aww you guys are making me cry.

Thank you Irina honey. I like you too A LOT. And Kaleigh, I really would have been fine coming out to Philly to help out. You give so much to us all here, it''s the least I could do.

Thank you guys all of you.

Widget, I just think maybe I need to learn to relax more. And kick back. In lawschool I was the party girl. All of my friends from back then find me... strange now. I am very touched to hear that you thought I was genuine. That''s a quality I value in others, and one I also found in you that day. I''ve never had buckets of friends but, well... I haven''t found it so hard to connect to ANYONE before either.


Joining a group could be a definite tact to take. Women lawyers is a great lead, or... I like cooking, and eating (too much), I like cats, reading... maybe a book club. I really like to read. I am a bit introverted. But oddly extroverted too, or at least... I used to be. Not so much anymore. Strange that.

Sweetpea... Yes, I think you are right. I asked John about it and he said that he doesn''t see that intensity in me, because I relax around him. The relaxing thing is big. I''ve been so tense in social situations recently. Really stressed out.

Actually the day Widget and I met, at the GTG I was TOTALLY a stress case. Meeting people from online for the first time was... really scary. But she really put me to ease.

I do need affirmation from time to time, but John provides me with that. But I do really identify with your post... and appreciate you taking the time to open up about you... to help me. I will have to start with the confidence... and move forward from there. I like you too Sweetpea... and I think you are a great friend to have too!!!

DKS-- TMI means too much information. I think Deco''s book will help me figure out how to do address questions to other people and become more interested in them. I get very focused on what I''m doing NOW, to the exclusion of all else. I would like to learn to look around me a bit and notice my surroundings. I don''t worry I''ll ever get too diplomatic, but a little softening would help!

Thank you everyone. This has

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 5/11/2007 8:02:06 PM
Author: Gypsy
Kaleigh, at work yes, I have a couple of people I hang out with... but one of them is... well she''s not a good influence. She brings out the worst traits in my character. Unfortunately she''s my boss.

What does intense mean? It sounds like one of those words that people use when they are trying to be diplomatic. I don''t like those. LOL. (I will try to like those). Does it mean too... something? Break that down for me, cause I don''t understand ''too intense''... if it''s just a way of dressing it up and taking it out ont he town... gimme the brutal morning light version. I dont'' need the tassles. LOL.


Although now that I think about it. my boss could be called intense. And draining. Soo... she''s also lonely, and insecure and brutally honest, and tactless.

Hmm. Getting the intense thing. Seeing it in the morning light. Got it. So I''m insecure, constantly in need of attention, too honest, and tactless. Generally not comfortable in my own skin. And it shows.

Thats bad.

But this is good. Sometimes a mirror held up in front of my face is just what I need.

Okay. Going to work hard on the intense. Don''t want to be my boss. REALLY don''t want that.

More laid back. Not sure how to do that, but gonna work on it. Is there a ''be more laidback'' book?

Books are good.

This has been really good. Thanks everyone.

As for changing who I am... there is the core of me. I like that part. But the outside layers of the onion are a problem. As long as I''m true to me... why can''t I change some of the outside layers? I think *I* might like me more if I did. I would like to like me. I think I did at some point.

And I don''t know when I stopped. But I did. And I think Mara is right. I have to like me before others do.
So a change is in order.

Do you mean kind of like when you dress -- your body doesn''t change, it''s still the same one, but what you wear can present your body in various ways? It can''t hurt to dress well. Of course, I''m speaking metaphorically.

I only know you from the boards and you''ve never given me any reason not to like you!

Maybe you tend to be "digital" and being social is more "analog." Being digital is not a bad thing and I''ll bet you do very well at your job.

As for what Deco was talking about, I have to admit that I have learned to put on a good poker face sometimes. I have a friend who tends to need to talk things through in great detail. Sometimes it''s really mundane stuff, but she needs to talk it through -- it''s part of her process. I''m not necessarily interested in every detail of what she''s saying, but because I love her I make myself listen, REALLY listen, and I think that''s the point of the Winning Friends book. In order to have a friend you have to BE a friend. But I will tell you, I learn very soon whether a person is someone I want to be friends with, because being friends involves sometimes doing things with them because THEY want to do them. I don''t have that kind of time, energy or inclination to spare on someone I don''t genuinely care for.

Part of the key is finding people you have a lot in common with. One of my friends'' mothers said that we are friends best with people who are struggling with the same things we are, who are doing the same types of things, and our lives are in sync. I hate to admit it, but it''s true. I don''t have any friends right now who are focused on their careers -- all my friends are raising kids. I have friends who are in a different phase of life, but we just don''t have that much to talk about, and the friendship ebbs until we''re in sync again. Sometimes it never really gets back in sync, and the friend becomes more of a friendly acquaintance. But that''s not so bad, either, right?

I would bet most of us at times feel twinges of unpopularity. I KNOW I do. But I really find that sometimes I think I''m a lot less popular than I actually am, and when I discover that someone I don''t know well has said something very positive about me, I''m sometimes taken aback by it. Maybe that''s happening with you? Maybe you aren''t the wallflower you feel like you are? If you are, some honest soul searching is in order. Even if you aren''t, some honest soul searching is in order, because you want to figure out why you feel the way you do and either decide things are fine or that they need to change and what needs to be done.

 

[akw94]

Hmm. Getting the intense thing. Seeing it in the morning light. Got it. So I''m insecure, constantly in need of attention, too honest, and tactless. Generally not comfortable in my own skin. And it shows.

...................................................
As for changing who I am... there is the core of me. I like that part. But the outside layers of the onion are a problem. As long as I''m true to me... why can''t I change some of the outside layers? I think *I* might like me more if I did. I would like to like me. I think I did at some point.

Gypsy, I don''t know you well enough to answer your initial question but I felt I had to reply when I read your definition of intense. I definitely disagree! I don''t think it means insecure, constantly in need of attention, too honest or tactless... none of those things, imo. I think it means passionate, having an ability to feel strongly, having strong opinions and belief, feeling strong emotion... I don''t think being intense is bad at all, perhaps just different, unique, what makes you you.
In fact, I can be pretty intense at times myself and that is something about myself that I have learned to value. Personally, I''d rather feel passionately about things than feel blah about them. I''d rather be emotional and feel strongly about my beliefs and experiences than feel nothing or have no opinion or no reaction when I see something. I''d rather feel the intense happiness and sadness that I feel b/c it is what makes me me.

And I know you didn''t say that you don''t like your core but I got the feeling from your post that you weren''t so sure about your core. That made me sad, especially if it''s the "intense" thing that has you down.
I am also one of those people that doesn''t have a huge amount of friends but that is my preference. The friends I have, I cherish. I wouldn''t want a bunch of people in my life that are my acquaintances vs. friends. The friends I have know ME, support me and I do the same for them.
I do think that I can''t be friends w/just anyone and I couldn''t have gotten engaged to just anyone. I''m not your run-of-the-mill type of gal. But what I require in my life are people who appreciate that. People who know I will feel things very deeply and stick to my convictions and always be honest and loyal. So if it''s others who think you should change, think about whether they''re the kind of people that you would consider your friends.

Now, all that being said, I''m not opposed to change and there have been areas in my life that I have needed to work on. I couldn''t have gotten as far as I did in my relationship w/o working on parts of me, learning to open back up and communicate after being hurt too many times. So I''m not trying to say that you shouldn''t self-reflect or change whatever you think you might need to change, just be sure it''s what YOU want to change and not what others have said or what you think others feel about you.
Quite honestly, just the fact that you are self-reflecting shows a great amount of character in you to me.

Hope that wasn''t too much rambling!

 

[monarch64]

Another Gypsy fan here!

Gypsy, I''ve never met you but enjoy reading your rants and raves, and yes, you are very intense and somewhat crazy but also chock full of character and P&V (that''s piss and vinegar just to avoid any confusion) and I think you are great and would be an interesting person to befriend IRL.

I''m almost 30 and I have maybe 3-4 very good female friends, the rest are basically acquaintances and they get a Christmas card and maybe a birthday card if I remember the dates once a year! I admit I hold certain criteria subconsciously I think about friends who I choose to keep in my life on a permanent basis. I am pretty good at letting go of people who prove themselves to not care about my best interests real quick, and my DH says that is a fault of mine but I honestly have always been that way and probably will never be able to change that. I just cannot bring myself to have people around me who are not genuine with me nor I can be genuine with, you know? Female friendships have never come easily to me...I can be pretty judgmental and also sensitive but I am also the first to give someone the benefit of the doubt in most situations, and I care about losing friendships way more than most who''ve lost my respect will ever know.

About twice a year i get a bug up my you know where to join a group or do volunteer work for a couple of reasons, one is to meet other people and expand my social circle, and the other is to just stop focusing on myself so much! I''ve done a breast cancer walk, changed careers, shoot, registered on PS, etc. and have met some great people along the way, and i only expect this to continue throughout my life. Who says I have to have lifelong friends? That would be wonderful but I already have a couple and those are enough for me at the moment.

My DH grew up in the area we live in now, went away to school in a different region of the country, and then came right back and picked up right where he left off with his social circle. He has best buddies he''s known since kindergarten and doesn''t want anything to do with finding new friends, it''s so ironic because I''m completely the opposite. I''m no longer in contact with anyone I went to kindergarten, middle school, high school, but my best friend of 12 years is a woman I met during Freshman Orientation in college. I did go to my 10 year H.S. reunion and had a great time there reminiscing with girls I was in Brownie Scouts with or on Drill Team with in HS, we emailed back and forth for a few months but that was that...they just are friendships better left in the past.

My take on you is basically what a couple others have said, and that is you have to accept yourself and love yourself before others will feel the same. Humans can sense in others uncertainty and weakness just like other mammals can and they will judge you and be turned off by that every time. To me, it''s all about self confidence and learning to trust yourself. I won''t say I''ve every mastered either of those things but life is a learning process and the more I put myself out there the more I learn that I''m ok with who I am, just the way I am, and there are people to be found or who will find me who will love me with all my crazy flaws! I have no doubt you can do the same. You are a great person and you are not crazy, and you do have the strength and power within yourself to make great things happen for yourself and others.