The deadline has come and gone

[choro72]

Date: 4/7/2009 5:15:44 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
grrrrr. That's like telling someone, 'I have a secret, but you have to wait until tomorrow for me to tell you.'

Why didn't he just wait until tonight to bring it up when he could actually talk about it! AAAAHHHHH! Now you (and we) are in suspense!

***wishing you happy thoughts***

Agree! I hate it when people do this! How are you going to get anything done today? **DUST for you**

 

[Erin]

Well I guess he wanted to make sure that I'd be able to devote the evening to *the talk* instead of gallivanting across the countryside or whatever else he thought I might be doing. He knows I go to the gym after work so he emailed me a list of choices for dinner he would cook and it will be ready once I'm done and showered and drive over to his house.

He's either buttering me up for the easier letdown or he's trying to be romantic. I should just tell him my win/win philosophy on brownies!

ETA: Mmm, brownies.

 

[icekid]

Date: 4/7/2009 5:58:50 PM
Author: Starset Princess
He''s either buttering me up for the easier letdown or he''s trying to be romantic. I should just tell him my win/win philosophy on brownies!

ETA: Mmm, brownies.

I like your plan- either way, you will always have the brownies! Mmmm. hehe. I am so glad you''re finally going to have your answer, Erin.

 

[FrekeChild]

Lol on the brownies...I hope it''s all good news...

 

[decodelighted]

PRO TIP: Just say no to alcohol! At least until you know how its going! So you can remember everything he says *exactly* ... memories memories, we have long memories, us PSers.

 

[icekid]

I''m waiting for news... (about how the brownies turned out!)

 

[Miscka]

Date: 4/7/2009 7:28:43 PM
Author: decodelighted
PRO TIP: Just say no to alcohol! At least until you know how its going! So you can remember everything he says *exactly* ... memories memories, we have long memories, us PSers.

LMAO "pro"! I agree, though a glass of wine is admittedly the first thing I would reach for!

Thinking of you and wishing for the best, SP!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I just want to say that I think you''ve handled this exactly right!!! You can''t just give up the dream of possibly having a child. He already has two...good for him. But if he truly loves you, then he will want you to be happy even if it requires a little compromise on his part. It sounds like he''s leaning that way, but if not, then you''ll know. I really, really hope this is going to be a happy night for you!!!!

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Just checking in for an update. I hope all is going well!

 

[LAJennifer]

The suspense is killing me . . .

Did anyone make brownies?

 

[choro72]

Any news? Still waiting here...Fighting urge to bake brownies myself.

 

[FrekeChild]

I have half made rum balls inspired by katkat;s thread. And they are strong....

 

[bee*]

Well how did you get on!!

 

[Erin]

Well, no brownies but he did make an awesome pork tenderloin and asparagus with button mushrooms and a side salad. He did a really good job!

I''ll cut to the quick because the rest is meaningless anyway. The official answer is "I don''t want to tell you No." (I then repeated it back to him as a question.) He continues, "But I just can''t bring myself to tell you Yes."

Now comes the fun part like NEL said. Walking away from someone when you know staying will just prolong a bad situation. He had asked for my help choosing an accent color to paint his hallways and one wall in his living room before his family comes over for Easter where I was going to show him how to make his favorite soup. I have a small gift for his kids which I''ll probably just ship to the house now. Oh yeah, not to mention we work on the same floor and we''re on the same golf league. Nothing bad or awkward will happen with that, it''s just that I see him everyday so the no-contact thing will be pretty hard to do.

I''ve been so prepared for this answer that it stung at the time, and I cried, but this morning it doesn''t hurt so bad - it just is. I have the answer. How bad could that be? It''s all I ever asked for to start and now I have it. The hurt is about to manifest over the course of the next month when he''s going to ask me to do harmless things together and I''m going to have to say no.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/8/2009 7:20:43 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Well, no brownies but he did make an awesome pork tenderloin and asparagus with button mushrooms and a side salad. He did a really good job!

I''ll cut to the quick because the rest is meaningless anyway. The official answer is ''I don''t want to tell you No.'' (I then repeated it back to him as a question.) He continues, ''But I just can''t bring myself to tell you Yes.''

Now comes the fun part like NEL said. Walking away from someone when you know staying will just prolong a bad situation. He had asked for my help choosing an accent color to paint his hallways and one wall in his living room before his family comes over for Easter where I was going to show him how to make his favorite soup. I have a small gift for his kids which I''ll probably just ship to the house now. Oh yeah, not to mention we work on the same floor and we''re on the same golf league. Nothing bad or awkward will happen with that, it''s just that I see him everyday so the no-contact thing will be pretty hard to do.

I''ve been so prepared for this answer that it stung at the time, and I cried, but this morning it doesn''t hurt so bad - it just is. I have the answer. How bad could that be? It''s all I ever asked for to start and now I have it. The hurt is about to manifest over the course of the next month when he''s going to ask me to do harmless things together and I''m going to have to say no.

I''m so sorry Starset. I''d actually been thinkning about you this morning and hoping you''d get your answer and it would be the one you wanted. You got your answer, which is good for you but sadly it wasn''t what you wanted. The good news is that now that you know this, you seem to be sad but planning your next move. Are you two offically broken up or are you waiting for the chance? Just curious because I wasn''t quite sure from your post. The him asking to do harmless things together threw me off.

With that said, we''re all here to support you through this difficult time. However, you DID get your answer and there''s no more waiting on him, which is a good thing. I''d write more but I''m late for work. Good luck with everything, maybe treat yourself to a little something today (cake, shoes, etc). You deserve it!

 

[ilovesparkles]

I don''t know your story well, as I just returned to LIW within the last couple of weeks, but I skimmed your thread and I am heart broken for you.

I just want to wish you all the strength and perseverance in the coming weeks to move on with your life. And one gargantuan HUG

 

[merrymunky]

Oh, this is just heartbreaking. I have been through this thread over the last day.

I am so sorry you didn''t get the answer you so hoped for. Such a shame you had to wait so long for this too, only to be let down in the end. I hope time heals you and you find happiness in the future.

 

[Erin]

Well the only thing that eluded to a break-up was after the silence I said so I guess this is it, isn''t it? He just cried a little. It was late so I slept there still, just tried to sleep, but got up early to work out so I kind of slithered out of there. I had to hand him a financial report already this morning and he said, Man I''m glad I took a tylenol pm last night. I figured I''d have a hard time sleeping. (Jeez. Thanks for sharing the meds.)

Part of me thinks he might be holding out for me to return with a no child answer so we can still be together so I guess I should make that p-e-r-f-e-c-t-l-y clear. Otherwise, yeah, we''re done. But since there are no real hard feelings (except for the tinge of rejection on my part) it''s going to be a soft transition. I don''t feel like telling anyone at work. It''ll just be one of those things they eventually catch on to - kind of like the way we started.

I''m also worried he might think I''m still participating in Easter. Which I won''t be. We have a going away party tomorrow night for a coworker. He''ll insist on buying my drinks still. I don''t know, it''s going to be a tough transition.

 

[girlie-girl]

So sorry to hear you did not get the answer you were hoping for. I can only imagine what a disappointment it was, even though you knew this answer was a possibility. I think you''re incredibly brave and strong and I applaud you for standing up for your desire to have children.

I wish for you to feel peace in your heart as you progress through this next phase in your life. I also hope you will find what it is you seek once you''re finally free of this relationship. Best wishes in the days/months to come. **hugs**

 

[katkat]

Starset....I have been following your thread in the last 24 hours. I am soooo sorry your night was tough. You and I should bond together and keep eachother strong as my situation is similar to yours. I''m off to work and will write more later but just wanted to chime in and let you know I am thinking of you.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

So once again all he could say is "I can''t say no, I can''t say yes". Wow. I do respect that he is being honest with you, but at the same time I can''t help but feel that you''ve been trying to move forward for years, only to find out you''re still stuck in the same place you started.

I hope that he is respectful enough to let you walk away without trying to convince you to stay or ask for more time. It''s not wrong of him to not want more children, but it is wrong of him to ask you to stay when he knows he can''t meet your needs and there is no guarantee that he ever will.

Sometimes I think making the internal resolution to leave is the hardest step. Obviously leaving a man you love very much is extraordinarily difficult, even when you know it''s the healthiest thing to do. I do feel, though, that women tend to internalize the decision for many months before finally taking the step, whereas men tend to not face it until it happens. I think that when you do prepare for it and are committed to doing whatever it takes to get past it, you don''t feel as devastated.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck and have no doubt that when you look back on this time in six months, you''ll be very proud of the way you handled this and will be in a much happier place.

 

[tlh]

starset, HUGE HUGS! I don''t quite know what to say. I am sorry that you are going through this, and that the answer you got was not the one we all hoped for. But at least it was a definitive answer. I just wanted to offer whatever support that I could, as walking away from someone you love is difficult... but staying and giving up a part of you and a dream of yours is more difficult.

 

[Mannequin]

Starset, I am so sorry that last night did not go well. I don''t have much to add that hasn''t already been said, but I wanted to send some (((((((hugs))))))) your way.

 

[NuggetBrain]

I am so sorry to hear about this. But its better that you know where he stands and can move on with your life before getting deeper in and living with regrets. Best wishes being sent your way!

 

[mirre]

Starset, I am just returning to the forums after being away for awhile and caught your thread yesterday. Reading about your evening and his "answer" if you can call it that because it looked like he may have still been undecided, makes me want to cry for you.

It is amazing the feeling you get and the strength we find in ourselves when faced with a situation like this isn''t it? Deep down you know what you have to do but it''s finding the strength to do it that''s the hard part... and then it''s like a switch inside you flips and you know when you have to do something that''s right for YOU for the big picture and not just for right then.

I think you are feeling the same way I did when I left. It took about a week for reality to set in for me. I was perfectly fine with my decision and I was going on about life, making plans, working, keeping busy, spending time with friends and family and then one day I was sitting having lunch with my mom after having a terrible day that kept us super busy and it was the first time I had had time to think about MY situation... and I started to cry. I would occasionally find myself getting a bit sad and the last time was on New Year''s, and I had just broke down. A friend of mine at the time pointed out that I didn''t miss him, I missed the idea of him, and the decision I had made was the correct one for me because he couldn''t give me the things I needed to truely be happy and now I had the chance to find the person that was everything I needed and wanted in a partner.

I wish you the best of luck throughout your healing and hope that you are able to find someone who loves you and your desire to have children! The thing that helped me most is being surrounded by people who supported my decision and commended me for being brave and strong, and I think you will have that in your life and from all the wonderful ladies here on PS. So I would like to tell you congratulations for being strong enough to go for what you want even though it''s a difficult step to make in that direction, you just may be an inspiration to others here that may be wrestling with similar situations! *hugs*

I think now is as good a time as any to make brownies! (Or if you''re like me just the brownie batter minus the egg!

)

 

[Winks_Elf]

(((((((((((((Tons of hugs))))))))))

I know what you are going through is very very hard, but you''ve done the right thing, and perhaps some day YOUR children will thank you when you share the story of what you went through before you met their father.

 

[janinegirly]

Sorry to hear this, and you are taking it very gracefully--I''d be po''d!! I''ve followed your story for awhile, and again am unfortunately not surprised b/c this has been his pattern. He always leads to believe something exciting is coming sooooon, then lets you down, but not 100% b/c he hopes you''ll accept this wishy washiness and stick around. It''s kind of cowardly...I''m sorry to be so harsh. I mean if he knows he is going to say something you won''t like, why the big build up of "I''m making a romantic dinner, you''ll hear your news tonight"? That''s just mean!! Why can''t he be an adult and say you need to talk (with serious tone), then have the conversation soon after! And what about that 72 hour build up before--never was clear what that was all about!?

I''m glad you have closure and are being strong about it though. I''m quite sure he will come back to you with other varations of carrots, so be ready. It''s his pattern. Not saying he''s a bad person, but he is holding you back from moving forward towards what you really want and need. Please update us often and vent away. I''m sorry again, and hope there are plenty of brownies tonight! ((HUGS)).

 

[KatM]

Date: 4/8/2009 10:11:05 AM
Author: janinegirly
Sorry to hear this, and you are taking it very gracefully--I''d be po''d!! I''ve followed your story for awhile, and again am unfortunately not surprised b/c this has been his pattern. He always leads to believe something exciting is coming sooooon, then lets you down, but not 100% b/c he hopes you''ll accept this wishy washiness and stick around. It''s kind of cowardly...I''m sorry to be so harsh. I mean if he knows he is going to say something you won''t like, why the big build up of ''I''m making a romantic dinner, you''ll hear your news tonight''? That''s just mean!! Why can''t he be an adult and say you need to talk (with serious tone), then have the conversation soon after! And what about that 72 hour build up before--never was clear what that was all about!?

seriously. Once again he implies that something big and positive is coming, and once again he says exactly what he''s always said. i''m so sorry. It sounds like you''re taking it very well considering.

best of luck in the coming weeks. stay strong and go after what you need.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 4/8/2009 10:11:05 AM
Author: janinegirly
Sorry to hear this, and you are taking it very gracefully--I''d be po''d!! I''ve followed your story for awhile, and again am unfortunately not surprised b/c this has been his pattern. He always leads to believe something exciting is coming sooooon, then lets you down, but not 100% b/c he hopes you''ll accept this wishy washiness and stick around. It''s kind of cowardly...I''m sorry to be so harsh. I mean if he knows he is going to say something you won''t like, why the big build up of ''I''m making a romantic dinner, you''ll hear your news tonight''? That''s just mean!! Why can''t he be an adult and say you need to talk (with serious tone), then have the conversation soon after! And what about that 72 hour build up before--never was clear what that was all about!?

I''m glad you have closure and are being strong about it though. I''m quite sure he will come back to you with other varations of carrots, so be ready. It''s his pattern. Not saying he''s a bad person, but he is holding you back from moving forward towards what you really want and need. Please update us often and vent away. I''m sorry again, and hope there are plenty of brownies tonight! ((HUGS)).

I''m in total agreement. I''m mega pissed off. I was sure that when he said "I have something to say that you''ve been wanting to hear" he would say it was all going to be OK.

What a jerk!!! What a coward. Tell him to take his drinkie-poo''s and stuff them.

Oh, and tell him that when you can''t say YES you ARE saying no. Sheesh. What a maroon (in the words of Bugs Bunny).

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 4/8/2009 10:11:05 AM
Author: janinegirly
Sorry to hear this, and you are taking it very gracefully--I''d be po''d!! I''ve followed your story for awhile, and again am unfortunately not surprised b/c this has been his pattern. He always leads to believe something exciting is coming sooooon, then lets you down, but not 100% b/c he hopes you''ll accept this wishy washiness and stick around. It''s kind of cowardly...I''m sorry to be so harsh. I mean if he knows he is going to say something you won''t like, why the big build up of ''I''m making a romantic dinner, you''ll hear your news tonight''? That''s just mean!! Why can''t he be an adult and say you need to talk (with serious tone), then have the conversation soon after! And what about that 72 hour build up before--never was clear what that was all about!?

Thritto on this. I''m so sorry the outcome of your conversation wasn''t as we had all hoped for, but you are making the right decision and I think you will be proud of yourself in the future. I wish you the very best of luck and lots of strength and courage as you move ahead.