The deadline has come and gone

[Erin]

Janine - you''re right, I did entertain another guy for two weeks last year when the bf told me he was having a hard time moving forward. I think that relationship, if you can call it that, helped me out. That was a guy who had everything going for him and he and I wanted the same things. However, no matter how handsome or successful or on the same page someone is with you, you can''t force that intagible thing that one person has over another that makes you fall in love.

I could have developed that relationship and perhaps gone on and had kids but it wouldn''t have been with the right person. Now I''m in a situation where I''ve got a great partner that wouldn''t be good for having kids with. It makes me wonder how hard that combination will be. I''ve dated many many many people in my life and the current bf is more perfect for me than any of the others. Maybe it''s because I''m getting good at narrowing down what I like and won''t like - what I love and what I''ll tolerate or forgive.

Italia - you remind me that last year when I walked away was when current bf cracked and fought to have me back. I don''t want to play a game with him but if I were to walk away he''d do it again and then it would be up to me to force his hand again. It seems this is what he needs to have happen to make tough decisions but I wish I didn''t have to go through the heartache to get there.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 3/12/2009 3:51:19 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Janine - you''re right, I did entertain another guy for two weeks last year when the bf told me he was having a hard time moving forward. I think that relationship, if you can call it that, helped me out. That was a guy who had everything going for him and he and I wanted the same things. However, no matter how handsome or successful or on the same page someone is with you, you can''t force that intagible thing that one person has over another that makes you fall in love.

I could have developed that relationship and perhaps gone on and had kids but it wouldn''t have been with the right person. Now I''m in a situation where I''ve got a great partner that wouldn''t be good for having kids with. It makes me wonder how hard that combination will be. I''ve dated many many many people in my life and the current bf is more perfect for me than any of the others. Maybe it''s because I''m getting good at narrowing down what I like and won''t like - what I love and what I''ll tolerate or forgive.

Italia - you remind me that last year when I walked away was when current bf cracked and fought to have me back. I don''t want to play a game with him but if I were to walk away he''d do it again and then it would be up to me to force his hand again. It seems this is what he needs to have happen to make tough decisions but I wish I didn''t have to go through the heartache to get there.

Starset, you don''t have to go through this heatache...you can choose, at anytime, to pick up and leave...that is your choice. However, if this relationship is something you want to be a part of, then you need find away to come together on this issue.

You''re involved with a man that may never want to have children you...or anyone. And your SO is with a woman who wants children with him. It''s an unfortunate coupling.

I really, really believe that right now you need to take a step back and get some prespective on your life and your relationship. You need to decide for yourself if not having children is something you can live with without any outside pressure. I know you love this man...but will you resent always being a stepmom and not a biological mom? You need to look past right here/right now and consider the long life you have laid out before you...

I know your heartbreak right now is palpable...I know you''re just broken up over this, which is why I hope you don''t make any impulsive choices that cannot be undone later on...you need to decide what does Starset want for Starset.

 

[luckystar112]

I think that if you''re questioning whether you will regret it or not, the answer is probably yes.

But that''s just my opinion and there is really no way to know for sure, of course. I''m not you!


I did work with a woman who was in your exact situation. She was 32, dating a divorced dad, and struggled big time with the kids issue. He didn''t want anymore, she wasn''t sure if she did or didn''t. Us girls at work talked about it a lot, and it seemed like she really wanted children. Then I switched jobs and didn''t see her for a while. I ran into her a couple of years later and she had married him. I said, "So what happened with the ''kids or no kids'' situation?". Her response was, "I think I''m just better off as a cool Aunt". I''ll admit, it surprised me to hear her say that. It''s been a few years...wish I could talk to her again and get her perspective for you.

I think that it is important to know that you''re not the only person suffering with this question. SO many others are too. Here is just one example:

I''ve been seeing my boyfriend for just over a year and we discussed kids for the first time seriously recently as one of his friends is expecting. He has a turbulent past with his family and doesn''t speak to them (long story) and says he doesn''t want to mess any child up like he was. He''s very adamant that he doesn''t want children which shocked me.

I''ve always assumed that I''d have kids one day, in the same kind of way that I always assumed I''d get a job, get married etc. But now that I actually think about it, why do I want kids, DO I actually want kids? I can''t speak to my friends about this as they are all very pro-kids and some have them already (I''m 31). So I wanted someone else''s opinion.

After thinking very carefully about it, I''ve realised that I wanted children for the sense of permanent bond I''d get, the real sense of belonging and having a ''normal'' white-picket-fence-type life. Maybe I''d get the same sense of total love if I got married? Who knows? But what I don''t want to do is make a rash decision which I might regret. Should I carry on with someone who is so set in their decision that they won''t even consider my feelings? Should what I have with my boyfriend (we''re very much in love) be enough? Am I being selfish expecting him to change? Do I actually want kids for the right reasons?

I know some of these questions are only for me to answer but I''m really confused at the moment and would appreciate any advice.

 

[LaraOnline]

Haven''t had time to go back through this thread unfortunately, but I did want to drop in another anecdote before rushing off. I feel that men who are 100 percent certain they do not want further children should take active steps OF THEMSELVES to make sure this cannot happen.
My first SO, was always non-committal and frankly made me feel very unhappy with his wishy washy attitude.

When I finally did get married, I went back to visit his parents, who I adored. Turned out that the whole time we had been ''dating'', he had known that another women, who he had been seeing ''casually'' just before me, had been pregnant and then had a child!

He had denied paternity

(immaculate conception, right?!!) until eventually When the child was 14-years-old, he had consented to a blood test. Lo and behold!!

Now, his current girlfriend, who has been with him ever since I gave up, and has bought a house and established a life with him, is STILL WAITING to get married and have kids!
He still thinks marriage is ''irrelevant'' (for him maybe) and he doesn''t want any more kids! His girlfriend looks after (and helps pay for) the raising of his first long-neglected child, and he thinks that''s enough for her!

Sometimes being a ''nice person'' is not enough... you need someone to put their life on the line the way you are putting yours on the line. Many women think that by ''talking about it'', they are really solving thing. Now, I know US culture is different from Aussie culture, but over here, talking really never solved anything. The guy just tells you what you need to hear basically to keep the peace, and the issue is never resolved. Or... you get a reputation as a nag!

So, take the steps YOU need to take to achieve the ends YOU need and want in your life. Be honest, upfront (but happy, light and cheerfully confident, for gads sake!) and move with decisiveness.

You don''t drink from the stream, you are the stream - of life, that is! Many people take the soft or half-hearted option, in all sorts of ways, and will be extremely happy to compromise you in their efforts, too.

But you have the choice to live up to the core values that you consider important. As long as you keep a sense of humour in your heart, that is!

 

[LaraOnline]

Actually, I''ll weigh in again, as this is a topic that really presses my buttons...

The gift of children is really one that grows and grows... when I had two small ones, at times I really felt that I had descended into some ''breeder'' role, and was somehow less empowered by having children. That was at the time I found PS, coincidentally.

Now, the children are 4 and 2, and with another one due in 5 weeks. I have never enjoyed being a mother as much as I do right now - the children are absolutely fantastic and I can''t imagine giving them up for the world.

My husband also immensely enjoys being a father.

Also, having children adds an interesting dimension to your love relationship, and I am so glad that my husband and I ''jumped in'' without worrying over much.

To have held off, and missed out, might not have been a tragedy because I wouldn''t have known how much I missed.... but for me, personally, motherhood has really added an awful lot of depth to my life, both with my kids and my husband.

I really didn''t ''get that'' when I was just starting out on the journey. Perhaps SP''s man doesn''t get that either, because of the difficulties he has faced already.

 

[Erin]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I''ve spent some time reading the Time Running Out to Decide Baby or Not? thread in Family Home and Health. It seems I will be fine either way I choose because you won''t know what you''re missing if you''ve never had whatever it is you might be missing. However so many people have weighed in saying they maybe weren''t sure, or were back and forth and those that went on to have a child sound as excited as the ones who knew they wanted to be a mother all along.

This week is super busy for me so we won''t be having any discussions about it in the absolute near future, but I am going to go back to bf with a decision. If he is willing to have a child with me in order to not lose our relationship, then that is how it must be. If knowing that is my decision he chooses to take his back, which I don''t think he will since he''s been thinking long and hard about it, then I will be able to move on without regret. If however he chooses to go forward to fulfill my desire for a family of my own, well then I''ll also have to remind him that all this comes with a timeline. In other words, not just ''someday''.

I''ll need some dust for that discussion as long as that''s still how I feel in a couple of days....

 

[Winks_Elf]

I wish you the best of luck. It is a tough decision.

Personally, I would have left that night and not looked back. Not because the deadline came and went, but because he didn''t take the deadline seriously. He had the gall to ask for 72 hours more, when he KNEW in advance that if he asked, you''d give it. And then he pretended not to remember? That was disrespectful, and wrong.

I was dating a really nice guy who had money and took care of me and my four children. He didn''t shower me with expensive gifts, but if there was a necessity that the kids and I needed, he took care of it. I made it perfectly clear when we started dating that I had no intention of dating someone for two years without a firm commitment. I was looking for a husband, not a permanent boyfriend. I had a weekend husband with my ex, so I had no intention of dating someone for years while life passed me by. When we were dating about a year and nine months, I sat him down for a serious talk about where the relationship was heading. Bottom line was that he made it clear that he was not going to take the relationship to the next step, and I made it clear that I was not going to be a kept woman for the rest of my life. It felt like I was put on a little shelf all week long, and taken down to play with on the weekends. Sorry, did that with my ex-husband. Not interested in that long term.

I thought about it after our talk, and waited 10 days to make sure I had thought about it thoroughly, and then I told him "The only thing worse than dating someone for two years with no future in sight is dating them for two years and a day. Obviously we want different things for our future, so there is no point in continuing the relationship." Believe me, it was not easy to say goodbye to him, but I figured the longer we dated the longer it would be before I could start a relationship with someone who was on the same page as me. Now I''m engaged to a wonderful man who does want the same things as I do. If I had continued to date K, I wouldn''t have been able to see where my now fiance and I could go.

 

[Erin]

The more I commit to this decision the more my attitude turns into - this is me, this is who I am, this is what I want. Take it or leave it. In other words, you''re in or your out. As harsh and unloving as that sounds, that''s how I feel. How do you communicate that positively?

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 3/16/2009 2:18:19 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Thank you so much for all your replies. I''ve spent some time reading the Time Running Out to Decide Baby or Not? thread in Family Home and Health. It seems I will be fine either way I choose because you won''t know what you''re missing if you''ve never had whatever it is you might be missing. However so many people have weighed in saying they maybe weren''t sure, or were back and forth and those that went on to have a child sound as excited as the ones who knew they wanted to be a mother all along.

This week is super busy for me so we won''t be having any discussions about it in the absolute near future, but I am going to go back to bf with a decision. If he is willing to have a child with me in order to not lose our relationship, then that is how it must be. If knowing that is my decision he chooses to take his back, which I don''t think he will since he''s been thinking long and hard about it, then I will be able to move on without regret. If however he chooses to go forward to fulfill my desire for a family of my own, well then I''ll also have to remind him that all this comes with a timeline. In other words, not just ''someday''.

I''ll need some dust for that discussion as long as that''s still how I feel in a couple of days....

Good for you. I think you''re doing the right thing.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 3/17/2009 5:11:32 PM
Author: Starset Princess
The more I commit to this decision the more my attitude turns into - this is me, this is who I am, this is what I want. Take it or leave it. In other words, you''re in or your out. As harsh and unloving as that sounds, that''s how I feel. How do you communicate that positively?

That is not harsh or unloving, it''s healthy. And if he is a mature man, he knows that.

There is no doubt that he loves you very much. Or that you love him very much. You can have a wonderful, loving, caring, healthy relationship and still part ways because you do not want the same things.

I remember the day I left D--we were in the airport and I had a one-way ticket...I held up pretty well (I had mentally prepared for it much more than he did), but he was a mess. I re-iterated that I loved him a great deal and that I knew I may never find a match that was as good for me on this earth. But I wasn''t going to continue to put my own needs on the back burner to wait for him to be excited about marrying me and starting a family with me. He simply apologized for not being able to "want it" as much as I did, but respected me for respecting myself. It was probably the healthiest conversation we''d had in months. When it came down to it, I respected him for being honest with me and for trying to want marriage and he respected me for not settling for somebody who didn''t truly want marriage and a family.

Just being honest is what kept it as positive as it could be--I loved him and respected his decision, but needed to put myself first.

I feel that women in general feel guilty when they put themselves first, even when they SHOULD.

I wish nothing but the best for you, Starset!! I think taking some time to yourself has been very good. This is never easy--not while making the decision and certainly not AFTER making the decision--you constantly doubt yourself and analyze the situation...try to stay strong and remember that we are all here for you.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I agree. It is not being harsh so much as being honest. We women do as a species tend to put everyone else''s needs before our own. It is not until we put ourselves first that we earn the respect we deserve. It makes no difference if that decision is about something as major as wanting to have children when our partner does not, or something as seemingly insignificant as wanting to take a bath and read a book instead of running out the door to meet SO somewhere.

 

[Erin]

Okay, I know this may sound like a soap opera cliff hanger, but I just wanted to share. This morning bf said, Are you still firm on your stance of wanting to get married and have a child together? I shook my head yes. He said, well keep your evening free there''s something I need to tell you that I think you''ve been waiting to hear for a long time. I kind of chuckled and said, You''re going to tell me precisely how much longer you need to make a decision? He said, No, I''m going to give you *the* decision but I want to talk to you about it free of distractions.

Stay tuned.
"Are you tired of shaving but still want the clean close shave a blade can give you? Then discover the remarkable new product..."

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/7/2009 1:16:52 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Okay, I know this may sound like a soap opera cliff hanger, but I just wanted to share. This morning bf said, Are you still firm on your stance of wanting to get married and have a child together? I shook my head yes. He said, well keep your evening free there''s something I need to tell you that I think you''ve been waiting to hear for a long time. I kind of chuckled and said, You''re going to tell me precisely how much longer you need to make a decision? He said, No, I''m going to give you *the* decision but I want to talk to you about it free of distractions.

Stay tuned.
''Are you tired of shaving but still want the clean close shave a blade can give you? Then discover the remarkable new product...''

WOW! It does... I wish you the best... at least you''ll have an answer tonight.

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Well, I like that he is being pretty straightforward about it. I am glad you stuck to your guns, because you deserve what you want out of life and nothing less. I wish you the best.

Keep us updated on how it goes.

 

[decodelighted]

Man. HOW much would I have loved it if you''d replied:
"I''m interested to hear your answer. And I hope you''re not too shocked by my response."
If he''s going to leave you uneasy all day, return the freakin'' favor.

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/7/2009 1:25:10 PM
Author: decodelighted
Man. HOW much would I have loved it if you''d replied:
''I''m interested to hear your answer. And I hope you''re not too shocked by my response.''
If he''s going to leave you uneasy all day, return the freakin'' favor.

DECO... you''re soo wicked.

I LIKE YOU!!!!!!

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 3/17/2009 5:11:32 PM
Author: Starset Princess
The more I commit to this decision the more my attitude turns into - this is me, this is who I am, this is what I want. Take it or leave it. In other words, you''re in or your out. As harsh and unloving as that sounds, that''s how I feel. How do you communicate that positively?

Regardless of what he tells you tonight, I think coming to this realization above is a key moment for you. You''ve clearly defined what you NEED to be happy and have owned it enough to say "this is non-negotiable to me".

I wish you the best tonight, regardless of outcome. You''ve been very thoughtful and kind to yourself, SP, and you should be proud of yourself for achieving clarity on what you need from a partner.

 

[KatM]

Date: 4/7/2009 1:30:32 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 4/7/2009 1:25:10 PM
Author: decodelighted
Man. HOW much would I have loved it if you''d replied:
''I''m interested to hear your answer. And I hope you''re not too shocked by my response.''
If he''s going to leave you uneasy all day, return the freakin'' favor.

DECO... you''re soo wicked.

I LIKE YOU!!!!!!

lol, that would be awesome.

Best of luck that everything goes as you want tonight. Be sure to let us know what happens!

 

[mrscushion]

Wow, I''m glad you''ll have your answer soon and kudos for sticking to your guns. Keep us posted.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 4/7/2009 1:46:45 PM
Author: KatM

Date: 4/7/2009 1:30:32 PM

Author: tlh

Date: 4/7/2009 1:25:10 PM

Author: decodelighted

Man. HOW much would I have loved it if you''d replied:

''I''m interested to hear your answer. And I hope you''re not too shocked by my response.''

If he''s going to leave you uneasy all day, return the freakin'' favor.

DECO... you''re soo wicked.

I LIKE YOU!!!!!!

lol, that would be awesome.


Best of luck that everything goes as you want tonight. Be sure to let us know what happens!

ITA!!! *mental note: make popcorn tonight!*

 

[decodelighted]

I''m personally chuffed that he''s interfering with IDOL night! I mean, he''s had two years -- why he gotta go & spoil IDOL that way?

j/k!!!!! Hope you hear what you want to! Not kidding!!

 

[Erin]

I know right? Maybe I''ll stray from my strict caloric intake and make brownies! It''s a win/win. For celebrating or commiserating. Brownie is an equal opportunity food.

 

[mirre]

I love that "brownie is an equal opportunity food"!

I wish you the best of luck!

I know it may be too late but I wanted to chime in on something. My bf of 2.5 years and I went our separate ways in December. There were many factors that lead me to my decision but the main one is that I want children, I want a family, and he would never give me a straight answer on it. Even in that instant when I was telling him it was over and he was saying all the things he "thought" I wanted to hear to keep me there he never once tried to tell me he too wanted kids. I told him everything he was telling me was too late and it''s things I needed to hear the week before, the month before, and months before that. And I told him one last time... I want children, I want to be a mother, it was apparent that he didn''t and I could not be with someone that didn''t want kids, it''s not something I would sacrifice. Knowing how badly I want to be a mother, I couldn''t imagine loving someone enough to sacrifice that and knowing I wouldn''t regret my decision or resent my partner, but that''s just me and I know that''s what I want, whoever is able to have a love that strong I envy them.

Since I know how badly I want them I may be biased and maybe it is one of those you know you want kids, you know you don''t, or you could go either way. Maybe you are one of those that even though you thought you really wanted them you could go either way. But please make the right choice for YOU not for HIM. I know you probably love him with all of your heart and soul and probably couldn''t imagine your life without him, but if children is something you KNOW you want, I am afraid you may end up regretting a decision to stay with someone who won''t give that to you.

In one of your other posts you mentioned if you never have it to miss then you can''t miss it. What if you do get close to his children, that may leave you wishing you would have had children of your own?

Again best of luck to you both, I hope you are able to reach a decision that works out for the best for you both and it''s happy news!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/7/2009 1:16:52 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Okay, I know this may sound like a soap opera cliff hanger, but I just wanted to share. This morning bf said, Are you still firm on your stance of wanting to get married and have a child together? I shook my head yes. He said, well keep your evening free there''s something I need to tell you that I think you''ve been waiting to hear for a long time. I kind of chuckled and said, You''re going to tell me precisely how much longer you need to make a decision? He said, No, I''m going to give you *the* decision but I want to talk to you about it free of distractions.


Stay tuned.

''Are you tired of shaving but still want the clean close shave a blade can give you? Then discover the remarkable new product...''

I''m glad you''ll get your answer, but man that''s so hard having to wait to talk about it, whatever ''it'' is. Hope it goes well, darlin''! And love your commercial at the end.

 

[ilovesparkles]

We will be eager to hear how things go! DUST as you requested!

 

[blueroses]

Good Lord, I am out of the loop. Just got caught up here, my dear Starset!

Sending LOADS of dust your way. I know that YOU know what you want and need, and you''ve taken a lot of time to recognize what you''re willing to compromise and what you''re willing to prioritize.

Keep us posted.
xoxoxoxo
BR

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m going to keep my fingers crossed for you Starset!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

grrrrr. That''s like telling someone, "I have a secret, but you have to wait until tomorrow for me to tell you."

Why didn''t he just wait until tonight to bring it up when he could actually talk about it! AAAAHHHHH! Now you (and we) are in suspense!


***wishing you happy thoughts***

 

[bee*]

Best of luck tonight starset. Keeping my fingers crossed it''s good news!

 

[janinegirly]

I agree--this seems to be a favorite carrot of his...72 hours more and now something is happening tonight. I hope this is finally IT and we all get so see a sparkly posted here within 24 hrs!!!