The count-down begins ...

[Ellen]

Date: 7/24/2008 3:45:24 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/24/2008 3:22:59 PM
Author: Ellen
Then simply ask him nicely to 'let you off the hook'.

I just spoke with my doctor. He said that, because of the stress it's causing me, I should NOT go. I reported that to FI. FI said that the consequences to him of my not going are worse than those to me!

Harriet, I'm going to try and put this politely. Tell him if he cares at all about his future bride, to put on his big boy pants, and deal with it!

And remind him that this is an excellent opportunity to lay the ground rules for the future as far as who is, and who is not in charge of your marriage.

{{hugs}}

 

[Harriet]

El, it''s me. What politeness?

Will do.

Aha.

Hugs back. Thanks for helping me out given what else is going on.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 7/24/2008 4:29:24 PM
Author: Harriet
El, it's me. What politeness?

Will do.

Aha.

Hugs back. Thanks for helping me out given what else is going on.

Well, it wasn't actually for you, other people read here too.

And you're most welcome.

 

[diamondfan]

I know it can be hurtful, but Harriet, this is who they are. They are selfish and self absorbed and nothing is going to change that.

Of course I think they should offer a gift, something lovely, but if they do not express an interest in coming, that shows a huge problem to me, and your hubby needs to deal.

As for what hubby said, if your doctor said not to go, have him tell your hubby. He has to be an adult right now. "Mom, Dad, of course I am coming, but Harriet is unwell. You know she is so unwell she has had to take a leave from work. She is sorry but she really needs to lay low right now."

If they do not get it, tough. And HE needs to grow up, and not be in fear of his parents. You two are a family unit so he needs to put you first.

 

[Harriet]

Yup, which is why I thought FI''s asking me to go play nurse was a harebrained idea.

I shouldn''t have to give a doctor''s note to FI. That''s ridiculous. He''ll have to take my word for it. And yes, he''s got to be an adult and set OUR family boundaries.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 7/24/2008 3:41:21 PM
Author: Harriet
Caroline,
Thanks for putting things into perspective. It's just that we, especially FI, are terribly disappointed in their lack of interest in our commitment to spend our lives together.

Hmm, I just read this. I guess I like to look at both sides when it comes to my IL's since we come from different cultures, etc. I think you both need time for yourselves and maybe not going is a good cooling off period for both party's involved. I do say that when I got married since it isn't tradition for the man to pay that they did not offer to help with our wedding plus we both were working, nor did they ask if I was ready to get married. I think that is such a personal question and I would have been upset if my IL's asked me if I was ready to marry their son. I think the less they want to do with your wedding as far as planning goes the better (of course I think they should go to the wedding and reception). I hope it all works out; the important moment in the grand scheme of things is the day you get married to each other and you and he are each others best friend for life.

 

[Harriet]

I can''t believe it! FI says that my doctor is wrong!!

 

[Ellen]

Tell your Dr. to call your FI. *zipping lips*

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/24/2008 5:54:13 PM
Author: Skippy123
Hmm, I just read this. I guess I like to look at both sides when it comes to my IL''s since we come from different cultures, etc. I think you both need time for yourselves and maybe not going is a good cooling off period for both party''s involved. I do say that when I got married since it isn''t tradition for the man to pay that they did not offer to help with our wedding plus we both were working, nor did they ask if I was ready to get married. I think that is such a personal question and I would have been upset if my IL''s asked me if I was ready to marry their son. I think the less they want to do with your wedding as far as planning goes the better (of course I think they should go to the wedding and reception). I hope it all works out; the important moment in the grand scheme of things is the day you get married to each other and you and he are each others best friend for life.

You ladies are right -- asking if we are emotionally ready to get married would be weird. However, that is a distinct question from asking if we are logistically ready. There is a cultural difference here with respect to paying. I know that in the US, the groom''s family hosts a rehearsal dinner, right? No mention of that whatsoever. All FMIL wanted to know was which nice restaurant we were treating them too.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/24/2008 6:25:58 PM
Author: Ellen
Tell your Dr. to call your FI. *zipping lips*

I have an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow. Maybe FI should come along.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 7/24/2008 6:28:24 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/24/2008 6:25:58 PM
Author: Ellen
Tell your Dr. to call your FI. *zipping lips*

I have an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow. Maybe FI should come along.

I would make him.

 

[Kaleigh]

What cutlture is your FMIL from?

 

[Harriet]

The ILs are Michiganders of German-Irish descent.

 

[diamondfan]

I would assume they might host a rehearsal dinner, but you are not really having that type of wedding. Traditionally an rd is to treat out of towners and people in the wedding party to a meal, as they might have traveled from far away and are in town without anything to do.

Harriet, might it be that your hubby thinks if you can go to Newport then you can go with him and support him? Not sure, but I think that could be at issue. If you make it clear that it is the people and not the travel itself, maybe he will back off. His parents are clearly not giving and loving people to you guys right now, it is all about them, so you can either risk it and go to show him your support, or you can stand firm. Either way, they will be a part of your marriage and you must find a way to work this out or you will be having fights about them in the future.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/24/2008 6:36:04 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 7/24/2008 6:28:24 PM
Author: Harriet
I have an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow. Maybe FI should come along.

I would make him.

Even better, Doc called and insisted that FI come along.

 

[diamondfan]

I guess that is better than a doctor''s note...

 

[Harriet]

Unfreakingbelievable! FI expressed to me that it would mean a lot to him (to be fair, he has made many sacrifices for me) if I went. I told him I would go on condition that he have a talk with FMIL on the following issues:

1. That we are upset about being called "selfish" and about having my upbringing impugned (this harks back to putting up the bum FBIL incident);
2. That we don''t want the above discussed this weekend;
3. That we have a lot on our plate with the upcoming wedding; and
4. That I''m so distressed about everything that the doc has ordered me to stay home.

When FI called, he made it very clear that he just wanted to make sure that the weekend goes smoothly. Guess what? FMIL immediately lit into him about how selfish we are with our no-guest policy, that it''s because we''re cutting them out of our lives, blah blah blah ... FI''s peacemaking didn''t result in anything, did it?

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 7/24/2008 10:33:22 PM
Author: Harriet
Unfreakingbelievable! FI expressed to me that it would mean a lot to him (to be fair, he has made many sacrifices for me) if I went. I told him I would go on condition that he have a talk with FMIL on the following issues:

1. That we are upset about being called ''selfish'' and about having my upbringing impugned (this harks back to putting up the bum FBIL incident);
2. That we don''t want the above discussed this weekend;
3. That we have a lot on our plate with the upcoming wedding; and
4. That I''m so distressed about everything that the doc has ordered me to stay home.

When FI called, he made it very clear that he just wanted to make sure that the weekend goes smoothly. Guess what? FMIL immediately lit into him about how selfish we are with our no-guest policy, that it''s because we''re cutting them out of our lives, blah blah blah ... FI''s peacemaking didn''t result in anything, did it?

Oh no, does that mean you can''t go to Newport either?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/24/2008 8:45:53 PM
Author: diamondfan
I would assume they might host a rehearsal dinner, but you are not really having that type of wedding. Traditionally an rd is to treat out of towners and people in the wedding party to a meal, as they might have traveled from far away and are in town without anything to do.

Harriet, might it be that your hubby thinks if you can go to Newport then you can go with him and support him? Not sure, but I think that could be at issue. If you make it clear that it is the people and not the travel itself, maybe he will back off. His parents are clearly not giving and loving people to you guys right now, it is all about them, so you can either risk it and go to show him your support, or you can stand firm. Either way, they will be a part of your marriage and you must find a way to work this out or you will be having fights about them in the future.

No, I offered to back out from going to Newport, but he insisted I go. Plus, Green and my ILs are worlds apart. The former doesn''t stress me to death.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/24/2008 10:35:50 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 7/24/2008 10:33:22 PM
Author: Harriet
Unfreakingbelievable! FI expressed to me that it would mean a lot to him (to be fair, he has made many sacrifices for me) if I went. I told him I would go on condition that he have a talk with FMIL on the following issues:

1. That we are upset about being called ''selfish'' and about having my upbringing impugned (this harks back to putting up the bum FBIL incident);
2. That we don''t want the above discussed this weekend;
3. That we have a lot on our plate with the upcoming wedding; and
4. That I''m so distressed about everything that the doc has ordered me to stay home.

When FI called, he made it very clear that he just wanted to make sure that the weekend goes smoothly. Guess what? FMIL immediately lit into him about how selfish we are with our no-guest policy, that it''s because we''re cutting them out of our lives, blah blah blah ... FI''s peacemaking didn''t result in anything, did it?

Oh no, does that mean you can''t go to Newport either?

No, the doc''s orders only apply to seriously stressful situations.

 

[diamondfan]

Harriet, trying to reason with them is a waste of time.

They are not going to see the light. I am going to say this bluntly, they do not like you. I had to face this with my in laws. They thought I was a snob, spent their son's money, did not give them everything they wanted when they wanted it...it did not matter what I did, nothing was enough.

They will not change. It is unfair but that is the way it is. I think you have to accept them as being difficult and that they are not going to be your biggest fans, nor are they going to be in your lives the way you guys might have wanted. I am not saying it does not disappoint him, but very little you do will change it. And sadly I can predict they will cause a lot of stress to you in the future, so it is ESSENTIAL you guys contain this NOW.

Was your hubby's relationship like this always?

 

[vintagecushion]

Just wanted to add my sympathy--no, empathy because I have in-laws like this also (one of the many reasons my fiance and I will elope).

I can't help but think that attempts to soothe them probably won't work in any dramatic way. If you want to be the peacemaker you can continue to make polite gestures as I have done with my future ILs but it's been very good for me to learn to expect nothing back, though I do try to enforce boundaries. At least you will not have to deal with them on the day of the wedding!

Edited to add: I second Diamondfan's suggestion to discuss this as soon as possible because in my experience nothing cleared the air (between fiance and I) until we discussed this into the ground.

 

[Skippy123]

Were they always like this Harriet? How did you deal with them when you lived super close to them when you were out in MI?? If you don't mind me asking.

I do hope things get better.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/24/2008 11:05:37 PM
Author: diamondfan
Harriet, trying to reason with them is a waste of time.

They are not going to see the light. I am going to say this bluntly, they do not like you. I had to face this with my in laws. They thought I was a snob, spent their son''s money, did not give them everything they wanted when they wanted it...it did not matter what I did, nothing was enough.

They will not change. It is unfair but that is the way it is. I think you have to accept them as being difficult and that they are not going to be your biggest fans, nor are they going to be in your lives the way you guys might have wanted. I am not saying it does not disappoint him, but very little you do will change it. And sadly I can predict they will cause a lot of stress to you in the future, so it is ESSENTIAL you guys contain this NOW.

Was your hubby''s relationship like this always?

Oh, that they don''t like me is abundantly clear. When FMIL found out that I am 3 years older than FI, she said "you''re no lady!"

At this point, I''d rather they butt out of our llife.

What relationship?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/24/2008 11:13:00 PM
Author: vintagecushion
Just wanted to add my sympathy--no, empathy because I have in-laws like this also (one of the many reasons my fiance and I will elope).

I can''t help but think that attempts to soothe them probably won''t work in any dramatic way. If you want to be the peacemaker you can continue to make polite gestures as I have done with my future ILs but it''s been very good for me to learn to expect nothing back, though I do try to enforce boundaries. At least you will not have to deal with them on the day of the wedding!

Edited to add: I second Diamondfan''s suggestion to discuss this as soon as possible because in my experience nothing cleared the air (between fiance and I) until we discussed this into the ground.

I''m sorry, vintagecushion.

I thought FI and I had discussed everything ad nauseum until he insisted that I go in spite of the doc''s orders. Needless to say, I''m not very pleased with him right now.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/24/2008 11:20:28 PM
Author: Skippy123
Were they always like this Harriet? How did you deal with them when you lived super close to them when you were out in MI?? If you don''t mind me asking.

I do hope things get better.

Of course not! Unfortunately, yes. When I lived in MI, they were mercifully out of the country.

 

[diamondfan]

His relationship with his folks.

Why would your age, even being that you are a tad older, make any difference? Seems ridiculous to me.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/25/2008 12:00:40 AM
Author: diamondfan
His relationship with his folks.

Why would your age, even being that you are a tad older, make any difference? Seems ridiculous to me.

When I first met him, they could do no wrong. I''m no witch, but I''ve opened his eyes somewhat.

And rude!

 

[diamondfan]

It is a tough road to be eye opening and not risk treading toward causing issues between him and his folks.

He needs to step up to the plate, be a big man and lay things out calmly. Of course they will not accede or be thrilled, but if it is presented as "this is the way things are going to be from now on" it is not really up for debate. You will be his wife. He needs to hear you. If he is not willing to, that is a big issue to me. But again, fine line here. You want his support, and you want him to find a way to have a relationship with them that works.

However, they are his parents, and he might start to resent you if he sees you as having come between him and them. You must be very diplomatic and careful. I hate my mother in law, but never told my husband he could not see her or have a relationship with her. I told him I would not tolerate her games and trouble making, and that if she was inappropriate I would deal with her in my way. He told me last night that he knows I hate her, and it saddens him that is causes me stress. He thinks she is a nutter but I should just accept it and go forward. I can, except when she is in front of me and causing dramas. That is when MY gloves come off.

 

[Harriet]

It has been a long and weary road. He laid things out calmly yesterday, but that woman just wouldn''t listen. Of course I want him to be happy. But, I''m terribly disappointed that he''s prioritising his wants over my health concerns this time. I have absolutely no intention of cutting him off from his parents -- they raised him afterall (by serendipity, I guess). He''s promised that if she acts up this weekend, we''re out the door. Ms. Harriet has thus far been diplomatic with her, but I will tell her off if need be.