Seeing the ring BEFORE proposal?

[blackprophet]

Not going to comment on the rest of the post, but what I bolded is where the problem lies. If you knew the number of women we see come here who post about how much they hate/have always hated their engagement rings, but don't want to hurt their fiance/husband's feelings....! Many of them no longer even wear the engagement ring.

From my own perspective, my DH and I have been together over 40 years. We know each other very, very well, and share many of the same tastes. He never buys me jewelry without my input, because with jewelry even minute variances in style and detail have an enormous impact, and in the early years of our marriage, my jewelry case was home to quite a few unworn bits and bobs. I appreciated the thought, but never wore them. Now, we agree on a budget, and i choose my own. He listens politely, and enjoys seeing my enjoyment.

The engagement ring isn't a test, it's supposed to be a symbol, and in a marriage of equals, both partners having input is not a bad way to go.

Congratulations on being together for 40 years. I really admire that.

But in short... I did not say it was a test nor do I treat it as one. I am just confident of not picking something she will hate. And while having inputs from both parties has its merits, it also ruins the surprise and having that moment to be special (in that way). Sure... some people value one over the other. So to each couple their own. Thanks.

Interesting discussion indeed.

I can say that having her input doesn't ruin the surprise. I know cause I lived it. I got my FI to give me the general parameters of what she liked, and we discussed that I wanted to know now so that when I did decide to buy, I would know what she liked. But I had to do the choosing on my own. Fast Forward 8 months, when I actually did propose, she was blown away. She didn't see it coming and the ring was a total surprise.

There are ways to work around every situation and still work in the surprise, and get input. I think that is the main reason the ring goes home and sits in the house for months. Just have to be crafty enough. Or have a generally non observant FI like me

But I am curious (and for the record ) How does you GF feel about it?

 

[MaximusCruiser]

um...you'd DIE if you knew how my husband proposed!!!!!!!

Err... how did he propose? Die?? Ok... it is a risk I am willing to take!

My husband was married right out of college for less than a year to a crazy woman. Anyway, she had been calling him when we got together trying to win him back. He had his number changed, but she kept calling him at work. We used to laugh about it...

Fast forward 3 years or so, we bought a house, a couple of cars, I found a decent ring second hand that was a good deal. We went to look at it, and he asked if I liked it. I did, but he never said any more about it. He had always told me I'd NEVER know when he was proposing. I used to tell him I would and that there was no way he'd ever surprise me with a proposal.

About 3 weeks go by, and we walked down to the lake from our house after work for a swim. It was really hot. So we swam for a while and he was acting WEIRD. Really weird. So we sat on the edge of the dam, I said "what is up with you?" So he told me his ex wife called him and they had a really good talk and he was "confused." I was shocked. I said "confused how? Like you want to get back together with her?" And he said "I don't know." I got up and said "I'm going home, we need to figure out how to sell the house.." So I am just laughing to myself that here I think I have the PERFECT man for me, and now I'm stuck with a mortgage and 2 car payments, our lives completely intertwined and it just blew up in my face.

So he's chasing behind me yelling my name, I'm ignoring him. He finally catches up with me, grabs my arm, I turn around and he's down on one knee with the ring. He says "Just kidding. Will you marry me?"

Haha... thanks for sharing! Did he try to still a page from Friends, where Chandler tried to throw off Monica on marriage? It certainly backfired in similar fashion!

Perhaps it is pure genius on his part... throw you off so badly that in the end, you will just be glad he proposed (instead of the other conclusion) and don't care about the ring!! Kidding!

 

[MaximusCruiser]

Maximus, what is your ring like? Is there a thread about it?

Errr... I would like to tell you... if I ever receive my ring!

I ordered a ring from Blue Nile last week and suppose to be shipped out today..... and amazingly... I received an email from them few hours earlier... informing me that my diamond is currently missing!!!

Apparently, Fedex could not find the shipment along with diamonds for other customers!!

I have never heard of such incidents before. Gosh... I must assume the worse that the diamonds have been stolen. There goes weeks of searching... and may put my planned proposal in jeopardy!


Btw... my avatar image is what the ring should look like. FYI.

 

[ooo~Shiney!]

Maximus, what is your ring like? Is there a thread about it?

Errr... I would like to tell you... if I ever receive my ring!

I ordered a ring from Blue Nile last week and suppose to be shipped out today..... and amazingly... I received an email from them few hours earlier... informing me that my diamond is currently missing!!!

Apparently, Fedex could not find the shipment along with diamonds for other customers!!

I have never heard of such incidents before. Gosh... I must assume the worse that the diamonds have been stolen. There goes weeks of searching... and may put my planned proposal in jeopardy!


Btw... my avatar image is what the ring should look like. FYI.

OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
say it isn't so !!!!

That's absolutely horrible, how very stressful !!!!

Know what? Just propose under the Northern Lights anyway !!!
drink a glass of champagne together and when the insurance money comes in, buy the ring.
IT''S BEAUTIFUL, BTW

 

[soxfan]

Maximus, what is your ring like? Is there a thread about it?

Errr... I would like to tell you... if I ever receive my ring!

I ordered a ring from Blue Nile last week and suppose to be shipped out today..... and amazingly... I received an email from them few hours earlier... informing me that my diamond is currently missing!!!

Apparently, Fedex could not find the shipment along with diamonds for other customers!!

I have never heard of such incidents before. Gosh... I must assume the worse that the diamonds have been stolen. There goes weeks of searching... and may put my planned proposal in jeopardy!


Btw... my avatar image is what the ring should look like. FYI.

OMG! missing diamond?

 

[MaximusCruiser]

Keeping my fingers crossed that they can find the diamonds.

Regardless... Blue Nile should compensate me for the stress!!!

 

[warriors40]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

I personally think it's a great idea! It sort of let's you have the best of both worlds, as it were. You get to do a surprise proposal and she gets a setting she can like for a long time. The stone in a temp ring is also a nice idea. But, what if you have budget constraints that would be better put towards a nicer setting or a bigger stone? Then the stone holder idea works better, IMO.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. My main goal is to keep the element of surprise. I think even if I get a simple solitaire setting she will "like and keep" just because I picked it. So we'll go shopping after the proposal to mount the diamond on something she likes 100%. I know she prefers a round cut so that's what i'm going to get and something in the 1.5c that will overwhelm her expectations. I hope this doesn't backfire and I get called out for halfassing it...

 

[msop04]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

I personally think it's a great idea! It sort of let's you have the best of both worlds, as it were. You get to do a surprise proposal and she gets a setting she can like for a long time. The stone in a temp ring is also a nice idea. But, what if you have budget constraints that would be better put towards a nicer setting or a bigger stone? Then the stone holder idea works better, IMO.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. My main goal is to keep the element of surprise. I think even if I get a simple solitaire setting she will "like and keep" just because I picked it. So we'll go shopping after the proposal to mount the diamond on something she likes 100%. I know she prefers a round cut so that's what i'm going to get and something in the 1.5c that will overwhelm her expectations. I hope this doesn't backfire and I get called out for halfassing it...

Hey warriors40! I don't think you need to worry much -- the fact that you took her preferences (round cut) into consideration is more than some are willing to do! She will surely appreciate it... And as soon as she sees that 1.5ct beauty, she will be elated!!

FWIW, the only way a guy can "half-ass" a proposal is to make it an afterthought... and you have clearly not done that!!

Good luck & don't forget to post photos of the ring once you get it!!

 

[msop04]

...what I bolded is where the problem lies. If you knew the number of women we see come here who post about how much they hate/have always hated their engagement rings, but don't want to hurt their fiance/husband's feelings....! Many of them no longer even wear the engagement ring.

...my DH and I have been together over 40 years. ...share many of the same tastes. He never buys me jewelry without my input, because with jewelry even minute variances in style and detail have an enormous impact, and in the early years of our marriage, my jewelry case was home to quite a few unworn bits and bobs. I appreciated the thought, but never wore them. Now, we agree on a budget, and i choose my own. He listens politely, and enjoys seeing my enjoyment.

The engagement ring ...supposed to be a symbol, and in a marriage of equals, both partners having input is not a bad way to go.

But in short... I did not say it was a test nor do I treat it as one. I am just confident of not picking something she will hate. And while having inputs from both parties has its merits, it also ruins the surprise and having that moment to be special (in that way). Sure... some people value one over the other. So to each couple their own. Thanks.

Interesting discussion indeed.

I can say that having her input doesn't ruin the surprise. I know cause I lived it. I got my FI to give me the general parameters of what she liked, and we discussed that I wanted to know now so that when I did decide to buy, I would know what she liked. But I had to do the choosing on my own. Fast Forward 8 months, when I actually did propose, she was blown away. She didn't see it coming and the ring was a total surprise.

There are ways to work around every situation and still work in the surprise, and get input. I think that is the main reason the ring goes home and sits in the house for months. Just have to be crafty enough. Or have a generally non observant FI like me

But I am curious (and for the record ) How does you GF feel about it?

blackprophet, this question has been asked to the poster (MC) several times, but has yet to be answered...

 

[MaximusCruiser]

blackprophet, this question has been asked to the poster (MC) several times, but has yet to be answered...

You know... just because you deny taking things personal, doesn't make it so. Best intentions? Ya right.

I wonder how many people here believe that. In fact, I wonder even if you believe that.

Please just stop quoting any of my posts.

 

[bunnycat]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

I personally think it's a great idea! It sort of let's you have the best of both worlds, as it were. You get to do a surprise proposal and she gets a setting she can like for a long time. The stone in a temp ring is also a nice idea. But, what if you have budget constraints that would be better put towards a nicer setting or a bigger stone? Then the stone holder idea works better, IMO.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. My main goal is to keep the element of surprise. I think even if I get a simple solitaire setting she will "like and keep" just because I picked it. So we'll go shopping after the proposal to mount the diamond on something she likes 100%. I know she prefers a round cut so that's what i'm going to get and something in the 1.5c that will overwhelm her expectations. I hope this doesn't backfire and I get called out for halfassing it...

No way!!! I think that would be incredibly romantic to go shopping hand in hand for the perfect setting!!! Make it special!!! Like an extended proposal. Surprise her again with a nice lunch somewhere and select a few stores in advance to go shopping at. Make it a full day of pampering (see below)

(OFF TOPIC sort off) I discussed this whole idea of pampering recently with hubz and he just doesn't get it which i find really strange, because he really gets the whole idea of luxuriating. Maybe it's a guy thing. He gave me a surprise afternoon at the spa last month when we were both just going to get our hair cut and I got a facial and back treatment as well. (He's so sweet!) AFterwards I tried to talk him in to a man-facial and man-icure and he said "NO WAY"! And I said "Why not???? You'd be pampered for over an hour with lotions and unguents and it's so relaxing!" And he said "????, I don't get the whole pampering thing..."

So, you could really plan it out that you propose, have a nice lunch and shopping lined up in advance and it would be like one nice really long extended luxurious proposal!

 

[msop04]

MaximusCruiser,

Seriously??

Let me start by saying that I thought I made it very clear in my last post that I haven't taken anything personally, from you or anyone else. If that were the case, I would address you about it up front. Why do you continue to post like you're under some kind of attack?? I really think it's you that is taking things so personally. No one else is getting thier panties in a wad and being so mean about things.

Most people are here for insight and education, not hateful banter. I only said that you had not responded, (in hopes that you would), as I am interested as well. Instead of being nice, you have made it clear that you can't be civil and respect the rules of the forum. I have every right to quote any and all posts on a public forum. I will, however, refrain from conversing with you directly. Your behavior here is beyond me, and quite frankly, I'm above it.

 

[msop04]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

I personally think it's a great idea! It sort of let's you have the best of both worlds, as it were. You get to do a surprise proposal and she gets a setting she can like for a long time. The stone in a temp ring is also a nice idea. But, what if you have budget constraints that would be better put towards a nicer setting or a bigger stone? Then the stone holder idea works better, IMO.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. My main goal is to keep the element of surprise. I think even if I get a simple solitaire setting she will "like and keep" just because I picked it. So we'll go shopping after the proposal to mount the diamond on something she likes 100%. I know she prefers a round cut so that's what i'm going to get and something in the 1.5c that will overwhelm her expectations. I hope this doesn't backfire and I get called out for halfassing it...

No way!!! I think that would be incredibly romantic to go shopping hand in hand for the perfect setting!!! Make it special!!! Like an extended proposal. Surprise her again with a nice lunch somewhere and select a few stores in advance to go shopping at. Make it a full day of pampering (see below)

(OFF TOPIC sort off) I discussed this whole idea of pampering recently with hubz and he just doesn't get it which i find really strange, because he really gets the whole idea of luxuriating. Maybe it's a guy thing. He gave me a surprise afternoon at the spa last month when we were both just going to get our hair cut and I got a facial and back treatment as well. (He's so sweet!) AFterwards I tried to talk him in to a man-facial and man-icure and he said "NO WAY"! And I said "Why not???? You'd be pampered for over an hour with lotions and unguents and it's so relaxing!" And he said "????, I don't get the whole pampering thing..."

So, you could really plan it out that you propose, have a nice lunch and shopping lined up in advance and it would be like one nice really long extended luxurious proposal!

I agree with bastecat! So romantic!

 

[msop04]

Ok, guys... this is so ironic, but I found out LAST NIGHT that my BFF (a guy) wants to start looking at engagement rings for his GF!!!! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! PS heaven... (I think I'm way more excited than he is! HA!)

Sooooooo... I asked him if he'd mentioned anything to her and he said he had not. That they had talked about "a future together," but nothing beyond that. They have been dating for over a year and are in their early 30s. So I asked him if he wanted his friends to do a little, :ahem: investigatory work and find out what she likes. He said that he didn't mind at all and would kinda like to know her style. He does want to plan a formal proposal.

I know this girl fairly well, but I hesitate to bring it up since they've never really talked about "getting a ring"... any ideas??? Help!!

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

Ok, guys... this is so ironic, but I found out LAST NIGHT that my BFF (a guy) wants to start looking at engagement rings for his GF!!!! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! PS heaven... (I think I'm way more excited than he is! HA!)

Sooooooo... I asked him if he'd mentioned anything to her and he said he had not. That they had talked about "a future together," but nothing beyond that. They have been dating for over a year and are in their early 30s. So I asked him if he wanted his friends to do a little, :ahem: investigatory work and find out what she likes. He said that he didn't mind at all and would kinda like to know her style. He does want to plan a formal proposal.

I know this girl fairly well, but I hesitate to bring it up since they've never really talked about "getting a ring"... any ideas??? Help!!

Maybe you can get her thoughts on your ring? Or has she said anything about it (gorgeous by the way)? Maybe tell her you're thinking about changing your setting (make something up) and see what she says. In the course of the conversation, ask her what ring that she's seen she likes the most...

 

[Ella]

Everyone, please keep the conversation general. Personal attacks or rude comments will be removed and sanctions awarded as necessary.

 

[msop04]

Ok, guys... this is so ironic, but I found out LAST NIGHT that my BFF (a guy) wants to start looking at engagement rings for his GF!!!! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! PS heaven... (I think I'm way more excited than he is! HA!)

Sooooooo... I asked him if he'd mentioned anything to her and he said he had not. That they had talked about "a future together," but nothing beyond that. They have been dating for over a year and are in their early 30s. So I asked him if he wanted his friends to do a little, :ahem: investigatory work and find out what she likes. He said that he didn't mind at all and would kinda like to know her style. He does want to plan a formal proposal.

I know this girl fairly well, but I hesitate to bring it up since they've never really talked about "getting a ring"... any ideas??? Help!!

Maybe you can get her thoughts on your ring? Or has she said anything about it (gorgeous by the way)? Maybe tell her you're thinking about changing your setting (make something up) and see what she says. In the course of the conversation, ask her what ring that she's seen she likes the most...

That's a good idea about the reset! (and thank you!!) I appreciate your thoughts, as I tend to have a big mouth, so I don't want to overstep it. **EXCITED!!!**

 

[Smith1942]

Maximus, I'm so sorry about your lost diamond! Has BN been in touch? And is it an issue with FedEx or BN itself? How awful for you.

But the avatar looks nice, and you can always tell us about the ring! Specs? We love specs.

 

[MaximusCruiser]

Maximus, I'm so sorry about your lost diamond! Has BN been in touch? And is it an issue with FedEx or BN itself? How awful for you.

But the avatar looks nice, and you can always tell us about the ring! Specs? We love specs.

Hi there... thanks for your concern. Don't really want to "hijack" the thread by discussing about my problems with Blue Nile, but they have more or less confirmed that my diamond is lost.

So I am working with them to find a replacement... all the weeks of searching... gone. I am back to square one.

Mine was a 1.51ct XXX H-color SI2 (eye clean) diamond, with HCA score of 1.9 and very strong blue fluorescence (not hazy), which I actually love (and I know she does too). I doubt I will ever find something remotely similar at my price point so anything else will be a compromise. BN is offering some discounts but still.....

I had to spend a hour in the morning explaining to a BN supervisor the stress and agony I feel, in order to get them to do better than the initial pathetic $200 discount they offered me.... which is insulting, to be honest.

In any case... nothing can truly replace the perfect diamond for me.

 

[Smith1942]

Maximus, I'm so sorry about your lost diamond! Has BN been in touch? And is it an issue with FedEx or BN itself? How awful for you.

But the avatar looks nice, and you can always tell us about the ring! Specs? We love specs.

Hi there... thanks for your concern. Don't really want to "hijack" the thread by discussing about my problems with Blue Nile, but they have more or less confirmed that my diamond is lost.

So I am working with them to find a replacement... all the weeks of searching... gone. I am back to square one.

Mine was a 1.51ct XXX H-color SI2 (eye clean) diamond, with HCA score of 1.9 and very strong blue fluorescence (not hazy), which I actually love (and I know she does too). I doubt I will ever find something remotely similar at my price point so anything else will be a compromise. BN is offering some discounts but still.....

I had to spend a hour in the morning explaining to a BN supervisor the stress and agony I feel, in order to get them to do better than the initial pathetic $200 discount they offered me.... which is insulting, to be honest.

In any case... nothing can truly replace the perfect diamond for me.

Oh no, don't say that, dear Maximus! There is another perfect diamond out there for you, I promise. I sense it!

 

[Smith1942]

Maximus, I'm so sorry about your lost diamond! Has BN been in touch? And is it an issue with FedEx or BN itself? How awful for you.

But the avatar looks nice, and you can always tell us about the ring! Specs? We love specs.

Hi there... thanks for your concern. Don't really want to "hijack" the thread by discussing about my problems with Blue Nile, but they have more or less confirmed that my diamond is lost.

So I am working with them to find a replacement... all the weeks of searching... gone. I am back to square one.

Mine was a 1.51ct XXX H-color SI2 (eye clean) diamond, with HCA score of 1.9 and very strong blue fluorescence (not hazy), which I actually love (and I know she does too). I doubt I will ever find something remotely similar at my price point so anything else will be a compromise. BN is offering some discounts but still.....

I had to spend a hour in the morning explaining to a BN supervisor the stress and agony I feel, in order to get them to do better than the initial pathetic $200 discount they offered me.... which is insulting, to be honest.

In any case... nothing can truly replace the perfect diamond for me.

Oh no, don't say that, dear Maximus! There is another perfect diamond out there for you, I promise. I sense it!

 

[Smith1942]

What about this? Is it any good? It's H, Si1, medium blue fluorescence, a few points smaller at 1.44 but at that size I don't think seven points less would show, and it scores 0.7 on the HCA, with the mark in the graph just about on the boundary of the solid white inner box, which means it's on the cusp of the AGS triple 000 cut. It costs $9,503 full price, then there's the bank wire discount and whatever discount BN is giving you.

http://www.bluenile.com/diamond-search?pt=setform&track=NavDiaSeaRD#diamonds_pid=LD03215238

 

[MaximusCruiser]

What about this? Is it any good? It's H, Si1, medium blue fluorescence, a few points smaller at 1.44 but at that size I don't think seven points less would show, and it scores 0.7 on the HCA, with the mark in the graph just about on the boundary of the solid white inner box, which means it's on the cusp of the AGS triple 000 cut. It costs $9,503 full price, then there's the bank wire discount and whatever discount BN is giving you.

http://www.bluenile.com/diamond-search?pt=setform&track=NavDiaSeaRD#diamonds_pid=LD03215238

Thanks for your suggestion... I guess no other SI range looks as "clean" to me. Sigh. This was the GIA chart of my missing diamond:





Now...I am actually look at this diamond:

http://www.gia.edu/otmm_wcs_int/proxy-pdf/?ReportNumber=2146777226&url=https://myapps.gia.edu/ReportCheckPOC/pocservlet?ReportNumber=2146777226

which is the closest I can find to the cutting proportions that I am looking for with a HCA score of 1.8. Even though it is an SI1, I still feel that my SI2 was more eye clean... sigh. In any case, it is one grade lower in color (I color) and I am also concern with internal graining and the strong white fluorescence.

Blue Fluor. has been well documented online... but I can hardly find any information on White Fluor.... so I did not choose this diamond initially because of the color and the additional risks involved, though BN came back in the past to size there is no hazy effect.

But on the bright side, white fluor. is so rare that it makes this diamond truly unique. I just don't know....

 

[MaximusCruiser]

Created a new thread so as not to crowd this one with off topic discussions:

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/blue-nile-lost-my-diamond-your-opinions-on-this-one.191367/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/blue-nile-lost-my-diamond-your-opinions-on-this-one.191367/[/URL]

 

[LaraOnline]

The 50% statistic isn't really true, at least it's much more complicated than that. It's not true, depending on who you are...

The stats get pushed up by the serial offenders, which is to say those people that generate a huge amount of marriages. I'm not somebody who knows a large number of people, not being a massive extrovert, but even I know at least three people who are much-married. There was the work colleague who had been married six times last time we were in touch which was ten years ago. The sixth marriage was to the first wife again. Then, my old boss was married four times, and she's still only 58 so there's time for more. Then, there was the Dirty Harry police detective in my town who was on his third divorce by age 47.

So that's 13 marriages generated by three people, and possibly one of those three has gone on to marry more times since I knew them. They really push the divorce statistics up.

Other factors come into play like being more likely to divorce if you marry young, if your parents were divorced, if it's a second marriage, etc.

If you marry after 30, your parents aren't divorced, it's a first marriage and you are educated to degree level, the divorce rate among that demographic is a mere 10%. If you marry after 35 and all the other things are true, I believe it's a little less. If your parents were divorced, or if it's a second marriage but the other things are true, it's higher than 10% but nowhere near that 50%.

I believe strongly in marriage and it always upsets me a little to see that 50% stat bandied about, because it seems to make a mockery of the choice of marriage, and it isn't a true statistic for many people.[/quote]

Thank you so much for this whole post, Smith. Your comments make perfect sense. I want to copy and paste this screed in any forum, whenever any smartypants trots out the 50 percent 'rule' about marriage. It's so depressing, and until now I've never had the energy to take 'em on. Now, all I have to do is copy and paste!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Late to the convo here, but I was engaged/married and part of that 50% (first marriage) statistic. I was very involved with picking out the engagement ring in my last relationship. In part because I knew what I wanted but also because I knew our budget was limited and I knew more about diamonds than my ex did. This was something we were on the same page about (we picked the setting, I selected a handful of stones and he chose the final stone and proposal date). It worked for us, but he was always resentful about my involvement because he felt I tried to control the situation (totally NOT my intent, but whatever).

I'm currently in a relationship that I expect will head toward a proposal at some point in the future. I really have no idea where on the timeline we are or what my SO's plans are regarding the subject and I'm not pushing it. We've talked about it in hypotheticals like if we were to get married in the future we'd want to elope, etc; not actually talking about eloping with a date in mind. He was engaged once before and i've seen the ring. It's lovely and tasteful. He's got great taste and a good eye for quality. He also has a good financial head on his shoulders so he knows his limits. And he knows me. He's also seen my previous engagement ring and knows I wouldn't want anything that looked like that. I'm 100% OK with him choosing the ring without real guidance from me. I'm willing to take a chance, but I'm pretty confident in his ability to pick something I'll love.

 

[distracts]

What's wrong with both parties agreeing that they'd like to be married, picking out their rings together, and announcing the engagement to their families?

I agree. This is what I would have done except my husband had never imagined it that way. And, well, who am I to deny him his moment of sweeping me off my feet in a grand gesture? We sat down, decided to get married, picked out a ring, everyone KNEW we had picked out the ring and were getting married in two years(ish) - and apparently everyone except me knew when he was proposing - but he still wanted to have his movie moment or whatever. And admittedly it was really awesome. So we kind of ended up with a combination of modern and traditional and what he wanted and what I wanted. There were a lot of compromises involved on both sides, but each one was something that made one or the other of us very happy, and we wouldn't do it differently because it was perfect for us.

I think this is really less the confusion about why she sees the ring before the proposal, and more the confusion I have... How the heck ISN'T knowing you're going to get married and planning on it "being engaged"? Just because you haven't gone through the theatrical motions doesn't meant you're not engaged. If you have the ring and are already planning the wedding, you're friggin engaged even if you haven't had a proposal yet. In my mind, as soon as you have the "yes, we'd like to marry each other someday" conversation, you're engaged. Even if you aren't going to be getting married for five years, even if you're not telling people yet you plan on marrying each other. I don't really see the ring as an integral step, though I acknowledge most people need the ring to see it as official - like a put your money where your mouth is kind of thing, I guess.

This probably explains a lot about why my husband and I got engaged after just six months of dating.

re: the whole "surprise ring" conversation - wouldn't have worked out for me, since I wanted a sapphire. Unless I had specifically mentioned it to my husband, which I had not prior to us deciding to go ring shopping, I'm sure I'd have ended up with a diamond. A round brilliant diamond. Guess what I really don't like on myself? Round brilliant diamonds. But how would he have ever known that if we hadn't had a conversation? They are quite commonly liked and I am somewhat of an oddball in my complete lack of desire to ever own one. I used to think I hated diamonds until I discovered PS and other cuts. Our taste in jewelry is different too. It overlaps, but it only like 30% overlaps. Would I have liked a surprise ring from him? Sure. Would I loved it to the extent that I love my current ring, which I would happily wear forever and have babies with? Nope. No way. I would probably have ended up on the upgrade train in a search to find my forever ring. My husband, thankfully, wanted to make sure he got it right the first time and took me along and we picked together something that we both love. We did the same thing with his wedding ring.

I think a surprise ring works better if you have been together a long time, but six months? No friggin way would he have had any idea. I take silversmithing classes and wear a lot of silver jewelry, but what I like in silver artisan jewelry is insanely different than what I like in fine jewelry, so he'd never have seen anything other than crazy silver designs. Which he guessed, as it was his idea to shop together. My parents got engaged after three months, and there was no ring, but if there had been a surprise ring I'm sure my mother wouldn't have liked it, because my father's taste in jewelry is VERY different than hers. As far as I can tell there is exactly zero overlap. And they've been married 30 years. So I really don't think the "I'd better know her well enough to get her something she likes" argument is, like, at all valid. There are plenty of situations where your tastes are so different that you can barely comprehend how someone would like X as opposed to Y, and there are plenty of situations where you are getting engaged without knowing each other's jewelry tastes. As others have said, a surprise ring works best if both parties are on board with the idea. If one is and one is not is where it gets complicated, and there's no way for the man to know if the woman is without having talked about it.