Seeing the ring BEFORE proposal?

[CopperTop]

I don't get the whole pseudo suprise proposal. But I had a horrible proposal once so I can understand being involved in the process a bit.

My boyfriend and I discussed it a lot and he asked me repeatedly but I stalled for two years because I didn't want a wedding. Long story short a few months ago I said yes and he said when and I said right now and we snuck down to the courthouse. I'm trying to find a ring I like but I'm so frugal that a diamond ring seems extravagant. I don't know if I will ever get an engagement ring or a wedding band.

 

[warriors40]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

 

[MaximusCruiser]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

That should work as long as you can put something on her finger.

But honestly... I rather just get her a simple setting first. If she likes it... great. If she can put up with it... then upgrade it in the near future. If she hates it.... return and get a better setting. At least it was done properly the first time rather than a mock setting. But that's just me and my 2 cents.

 

[Lula]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be?

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me.

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

It's this attitude of power and control that I object to. And why is buying the ring some sort of a "challenge" to "prove" you know her well enough to meet 80% of her expectations (but 100% would be overrated?!?). WTH? Picking out a ring isn't a sporting event. If I was your girlfriend, I would wonder what other areas of our life together you'd fall short in.

 

[soxfan]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

That should work as long as you can put something on her finger.

But honestly... I rather just get her a simple setting first. If she likes it... great. If she can put up with it... then upgrade it in the near future. If she hates it.... return and get a better setting. At least it was done properly the first time rather than a mock setting. But that's just me and my 2 cents.

this ^

 

[soxfan]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be?

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me.

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

It's this attitude of power and control that I object to. And why is buying the ring some sort of a "challenge" to "prove" you know her well enough to meet 80% of her expectations (but 100% would be overrated?!?). WTH? Picking out a ring isn't a sporting event. If I was your girlfriend, I would wonder what other areas of our life together you'd fall short in.

I don't think he is exerting "power," just trying to be traditional.

 

[Lula]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be?

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me.

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

It's this attitude of power and control that I object to. And why is buying the ring some sort of a "challenge" to "prove" you know her well enough to meet 80% of her expectations (but 100% would be overrated?!?). WTH? Picking out a ring isn't a sporting event. If I was your girlfriend, I would wonder what other areas of our life together you'd fall short in.

I don't think he is exerting "power," just trying to be traditional.

Well, dragging a woman back to your cave is traditional as well.

 

[motownmama]

I think it's kinda goofy to have the ring that someone's seen - hidden in the house for long periods of time while waiting for the proposal! Personally I'd want to be the person whose BF picked up the ring and was so darn excited he proposed within a day or two! However - the only thing that matters in the end is the strength of the marriage - so to each his own.

 

[soxfan]

I think it's kinda goofy to have the ring that someone's seen - hidden in the house for long periods of time while waiting for the proposal! Personally I'd want to be the person whose BF picked up the ring and was so darn excited he proposed within a day or two! However - the only thing that matters in the end is the strength of the marriage - so to each his own.

right! I've seen it, I know it's there. Give it to me already. Obviously you are going to marry me or you wouldn't have bought it...

 

[Daisycakes617]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

I would be ok with this, as long as you're shopping with me. I think that would make the proposal even more special

 

[kmarla]

I'm not being judgemental at all, but like the OP I've just never heard of this LIW concept before either where you've already picked out the ring together, it's purchased, but then unlike a very short term wait, it's hidden for months, years etc. I just wonder if this doesn't cause unnecessary stress, hurt feelings etc.....why hasn't partner proposed yet? Does this set expectations that the proposal has to be something spectacular? I guess it's just always been my experience that once you have the ring and you both know about it then you're usually engaged

 

[lovebug1031]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be?

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me.

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

It's this attitude of power and control that I object to. And why is buying the ring some sort of a "challenge" to "prove" you know her well enough to meet 80% of her expectations (but 100% would be overrated?!?). WTH? Picking out a ring isn't a sporting event. If I was your girlfriend, I would wonder what other areas of our life together you'd fall short in.

grrr...my whole response somehow got deleted! The gist was - I agree Lula! But I think a girl can have a hand in it and still be surprised. I was super picky, but to the point it was overwhelming to my FI - so in the end I said fine I want an AVR, i don't care what size or color as long as it's eye clean and it must be in a rose gold solitaire. I picked out a few rg solitaires I liked, and I guess the turn around time on them exceeded what he wanted, so I got a setting that while meaningful isn't what I would have chosen. I'd never in a million years tell him that, it's just not as refined as I would have liked. So Maximus, I suppose I'd meet you 80% rule, but to spend that much money and only be 80% happy...doesn't make sense. would you do that with a house or car!!?? So for me the best way to go about it, have the girl pick out a setting, give you parameters on a stone - that's it...you get to choose it for the most part, she doesn't see it til the proposal...win win in my book

 

[msop04]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be? of course it should -- if that's what is important to you.

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... this isn't necessarily true (I mean, as women, are we ever satisfied?? If I were to get exactly what I wanted, we'd probably be eating Ramen noodles for 10 years!) But seriously, I think shopping together will allow each person to have a better understanding about what he/she wants or likes - again, IF that is important to the couple

...but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. Personally, I would like any important/expensive purchase to be made together (after all, finances are finances...), with the understanding that each person is happy prior to the sale, whether it be the style or the price (saves the possibility of return/exchange hassles & hurt feelings) I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me. Wow. If possible, I want my DH to be totally satisfied, and vice versa... Guess that's not important to some people. Wait a minute -- REALLY??!!

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

Marriage is a partnership. It may not phase her a bit (and I hope, for her sake, this is the case), but what if this is important to her? Did you even ask her what her opinions were on the subject?? I'm sorry, but to say, "...[insert statement here] is something that will never happen between us..." is a bit... controlling.

Let's turn the tables a bit, just for kicks...

What if she reciprocated the feeling and picked out a big jeweled band for you made up of diamonds both of your birthstones... she put a lot of thought into it and it meant something to be able to surprise you as she slipped the wedding band on your hand at the altar. ...Because "picking out a ring with you is something that will never happen..." I doubt very seriously you would be too jazzed about wearing that one for the rest of your life. But don't worry!! She'll "let you" upgrade to a larger version in an eternity band in a couple of years!

It works both ways, guy.

 

[lovebug1031]

I'm not being judgemental at all, but like the OP I've just never heard of this LIW concept before either where you've already picked out the ring together, it's purchased, but then unlike a very short term wait, it's hidden for months, years etc. I just wonder if this doesn't cause unnecessary stress, hurt feelings etc.....why hasn't partner proposed yet? Does this set expectations that the proposal has to be something spectacular? I guess it's just always been my experience that once you have the ring and you both know about it then you're usually engaged

this i don't "get"! I actually was totally surprised, and had no idea it was coming...he was so excited he did it as soon as he got home with the ring from the airport! I actually had a hand in it, and still had no idea it was coming...had i known he had the ring for ages etc...i would've lost my mind!

 

[msop04]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

Hey warriors40! I think this is a great idea!! Good luck!

 

[msop04]

How about proposing with just the diamond?

I have no idea what she wants (well very vague idea) or her ring size. I don't think she knows it's coming. So I'm planning to propose with a diamond on one of those circle diamond holders. Afterwards she can go pick out the setting of her dreams.

Good plan? or Bad idea?

That should work as long as you can put something on her finger.

But honestly... I rather just get her a simple setting first. If she likes it... great. If she can put up with it... then upgrade it in the near future. If she hates it.... return and get a better setting. At least it was done properly the first time rather than a mock setting. But that's just me and my 2 cents.

This is a very nice compromise, MaximusCruiser!

 

[lovebug1031]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be? of course it should -- if that's what is important to you.

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... this isn't necessarily true (I mean, as women, are we ever satisfied?? If I were to get exactly what I wanted, we'd probably be eating Ramen noodles for 10 years!) But seriously, I think shopping together will allow each person to have a better understanding about what he/she wants or likes - again, IF that is important to the couple

...but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. Personally, I would like any important/expensive purchase to be made together (after all, finances are finances...), with the understanding that each person is happy prior to the sale, whether it be the style or the price (saves the possibility of return/exchange hassles & hurt feelings) I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me. Wow. If possible, I want my DH to be totally satisfied, and vice versa... Guess that's not important to some people. Wait a minute -- REALLY??!!

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

Marriage is a partnership. It may not phase her a bit (and I hope, for her sake, this is the case), but what if this is important to her? Did you even ask her what her opinions were on the subject?? I'm sorry, but to say, "...[insert statement here] is something that will never happen between us..." is a bit... controlling.

Let's turn the tables a bit, just for kicks...

What if she reciprocated the feeling and picked out a big jeweled band for you made up of diamonds both of your birthstones... she put a lot of thought into it and it meant something to be able to surprise you as she slipped the wedding band on your hand at the altar. ...Because "picking out a ring with you is something that will never happen..." I doubt very seriously you would be too jazzed about wearing that one for the rest of your life. But don't worry!! She'll "let you" upgrade to a larger version in an eternity band in a couple of years!

It works both ways, guy.

you hit the nail on the head! would you "waste" money on a house or car, that you didn't love!? obv. it's a diff scenario if the "wants" outweigh the budget - but being realistic, people don't choose to spend big chunk of money things that they're just "ok" with

 

[msop04]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be?

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me.

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

It's this attitude of power and control that I object to. And why is buying the ring some sort of a "challenge" to "prove" you know her well enough to meet 80% of her expectations (but 100% would be overrated?!?). WTH? Picking out a ring isn't a sporting event. If I was your girlfriend, I would wonder what other areas of our life together you'd fall short in.

I agree with you 100%

 

[msop04]

I don't think he is exerting "power," just trying to be traditional.

Well, dragging a woman back to your cave is traditional as well.

LMAO, Lula!! Here's to tradition!!

 

[soxfan]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be? of course it should -- if that's what is important to you.

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... this isn't necessarily true (I mean, as women, are we ever satisfied?? If I were to get exactly what I wanted, we'd probably be eating Ramen noodles for 10 years!) But seriously, I think shopping together will allow each person to have a better understanding about what he/she wants or likes - again, IF that is important to the couple

...but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. Personally, I would like any important/expensive purchase to be made together (after all, finances are finances...), with the understanding that each person is happy prior to the sale, whether it be the style or the price (saves the possibility of return/exchange hassles & hurt feelings) I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me. Wow. If possible, I want my DH to be totally satisfied, and vice versa... Guess that's not important to some people. Wait a minute -- REALLY??!!

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

Marriage is a partnership. It may not phase her a bit (and I hope, for her sake, this is the case), but what if this is important to her? Did you even ask her what her opinions were on the subject?? I'm sorry, but to say, "...[insert statement here] is something that will never happen between us..." is a bit... controlling.

Let's turn the tables a bit, just for kicks...

What if she reciprocated the feeling and picked out a big jeweled band for you made up of diamonds both of your birthstones... she put a lot of thought into it and it meant something to be able to surprise you as she slipped the wedding band on your hand at the altar. ...Because "picking out a ring with you is something that will never happen..." I doubt very seriously you would be too jazzed about wearing that one for the rest of your life. But don't worry!! She'll "let you" upgrade to a larger version in an eternity band in a couple of years!

It works both ways, guy.

ugly man ring.....

 

[msop04]

I think it's kinda goofy to have the ring that someone's seen - hidden in the house for long periods of time while waiting for the proposal! Personally I'd want to be the person whose BF picked up the ring and was so darn excited he proposed within a day or two! However - the only thing that matters in the end is the strength of the marriage - so to each his own.

Well said, motownmama...

 

[bcavitt]

I feel that this thread is getting totally out of hand. Allow me to offer a few facts and an opinion and hopefully this thread will settle down to something a little less confrontational.

First of all, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Second, men (including me) have egos and an ingrained feeling of dominance over time and history. Third, why do anything that would threaten a marriage before it even starts such as getting an engagement ring the bride wouldn't want (see my earlier post about my friend whose surprise ring was "too small" for his girlfriend)?

This all being said, wouldn't it just make more sense to involve both parties in the decision to buy the engagement ring? Sure the element of surprise is gone, but the days of chivalry and men making the decisions in the household have eroded away with women having careers and more equality in life. Men - propose when the time is right. It may be on a moonlit beach, over a romantic dinner, or (in my case) on the living room couch watching "our movie". Women - if this is "the one", accept the proposal. Then, work together, as all marriages should, on the ring, the wedding, the house, the kids, the bills, retirement, and just life in general.

Our store just sold two rings yesterday, one to a woman who celebrated her 49th anniversary by mounting her mother's 1.31 ct OEC into a halo mounting that her husband, the only man she ever dated, said if you like it, buy it. The second to a 90 year old woman getting married for the third time to a resident in her assisted living facility (she outlived her first two husbands). They picked out the ring together and went out together hand in hand. Both of these couples were very much in love, did things together, and will be together until the end of their days. More power to them!

 

[msop04]

I'm not being judgemental at all, but like the OP I've just never heard of this LIW concept before either where you've already picked out the ring together, it's purchased, but then unlike a very short term wait, it's hidden for months, years etc. I just wonder if this doesn't cause unnecessary stress, hurt feelings etc.....why hasn't partner proposed yet? Does this set expectations that the proposal has to be something spectacular? I guess it's just always been my experience that once you have the ring and you both know about it then you're usually engaged

You are very lucky, as it would certainly (and did) cause me stress. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of threads posted on the LIW forum addressing these types of concerns. For me, I had to wait three weeks or so, because DH wanted to propose on a trip... and it wasn't like it was some kind of elaborate proposal, so I don't understand why he felt the need to wait. Maybe it made him feel better to have pretty scenery?? Who knows...

 

[msop04]

I'm not being judgemental at all, but like the OP I've just never heard of this LIW concept before either where you've already picked out the ring together, it's purchased, but then unlike a very short term wait, it's hidden for months, years etc. I just wonder if this doesn't cause unnecessary stress, hurt feelings etc.....why hasn't partner proposed yet? Does this set expectations that the proposal has to be something spectacular? I guess it's just always been my experience that once you have the ring and you both know about it then you're usually engaged

this i don't "get"! I actually was totally surprised, and had no idea it was coming...he was so excited he did it as soon as he got home with the ring from the airport! I actually had a hand in it, and still had no idea it was coming...had i known he had the ring for ages etc...i would've lost my mind!

Hey lovebug1031!

How did you have a hand in it, but had no idea it was coming? Did he ask a friend that you knew what you style you liked? And, yes, if he'd had the ring for a long time, I would have lost my mind too!!

Edit: sorry lovebug!! Just now saw your post explaining your story... Oops!!

 

[nyquestioner]

It's interesting that many people have such a strong attachment to the "tradition" of the surprise engagement ring, and even see it as a sort of test for the man, since it's a relatively modern tradition. If you think about old books (e.g., Jane Austen, the Brontes) or even older movies, they usually don't give engagement rings at the proposals. Rather, the proposal generally came first, and then the couple would pick out a ring together if an heirloom ring wasn't being used. Remember in Gone with the Wind, when Scarlett and Rhett get engaged, and then she requests a huge engagement ring? Then De Beers realized through market research that men actually spent more money on rings when they went shopping on their own (probably because the women, after engagement, were more practical in thinking about setting up their future household, whereas if the men chose before engagement, they wanted to be sure to impress), so De Beers started really pushing the surprise engagement ring idea. Just food for thought.

Anyway, to get back to soxfan's original question, I think that people have different conceptions of what a proposal is. Some people would think, if you have discussed marriage, picked out a ring together, and the ring is in the house and you are looking at it, why don't you/aren't you just engaged then and there? To them, the proposal is a very practical thing. Other people have a more ritualized idea of what a proposal is. To them, it's not just the practical agreement to marry, but rather a ritual in its own right, with specific steps including happening at the time and place of the man's choosing, with specific words said, etc. Just like to some people they've graduated when they finish their coursework, but to other people the graduation ceremony is a meaningful thing. To each his own, I guess.

 

[msop04]

I feel that this thread is getting totally out of hand. Allow me to offer a few facts and an opinion and hopefully this thread will settle down to something a little less confrontational.

First of all, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Second, men (including me) have egos and an ingrained feeling of dominance over time and history. Third, why do anything that would threaten a marriage before it even starts such as getting an engagement ring the bride wouldn't want (see my earlier post about my friend whose surprise ring was "too small" for his girlfriend)?

This all being said, wouldn't it just make more sense to involve both parties in the decision to buy the engagement ring? Sure the element of surprise is gone, but the days of chivalry and men making the decisions in the household have eroded away with women having careers and more equality in life. Men - propose when the time is right. It may be on a moonlit beach, over a romantic dinner, or (in my case) on the living room couch watching "our movie". Women - if this is "the one", accept the proposal. Then, work together, as all marriages should, on the ring, the wedding, the house, the kids, the bills, retirement, and just life in general.

Our store just sold two rings yesterday, one to a woman who celebrated her 49th anniversary by mounting her mother's 1.31 ct OEC into a halo mounting that her husband, the only man she ever dated, said if you like it, buy it. The second to a 90 year old woman getting married for the third time to a resident in her assisted living facility (she outlived her first two husbands). They picked out the ring together and went out together hand in hand. Both of these couples were very much in love, did things together, and will be together until the end of their days. More power to them!

Thanks for your insight from a man's POV (well, at least one that has a little 21st century thinking)! Male dominance may be ingrained, but so what??!! Those are lovely stories! Glad you shared them!

 

[Smith1942]

I feel that this thread is getting totally out of hand. Allow me to offer a few facts and an opinion and hopefully this thread will settle down to something a little less confrontational.

First of all, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Second, men (including me) have egos and an ingrained feeling of dominance over time and history. Third, why do anything that would threaten a marriage before it even starts such as getting an engagement ring the bride wouldn't want (see my earlier post about my friend whose surprise ring was "too small" for his girlfriend)?

This all being said, wouldn't it just make more sense to involve both parties in the decision to buy the engagement ring? Sure the element of surprise is gone, but the days of chivalry and men making the decisions in the household have eroded away with women having careers and more equality in life. Men - propose when the time is right. It may be on a moonlit beach, over a romantic dinner, or (in my case) on the living room couch watching "our movie". Women - if this is "the one", accept the proposal. Then, work together, as all marriages should, on the ring, the wedding, the house, the kids, the bills, retirement, and just life in general.

Our store just sold two rings yesterday, one to a woman who celebrated her 49th anniversary by mounting her mother's 1.31 ct OEC into a halo mounting that her husband, the only man she ever dated, said if you like it, buy it. The second to a 90 year old woman getting married for the third time to a resident in her assisted living facility (she outlived her first two husbands). They picked out the ring together and went out together hand in hand. Both of these couples were very much in love, did things together, and will be together until the end of their days. More power to them!

I knew it! I always suspected! Sometimes in relationships it's perfectly obvious, and sometimes I have taken great pleasure in seeing this illusion of male power and dominance smashed, glass-ceiling style I know many marriages where the women wear the trousers and the men seem perfectly happy about it!

 

[MaximusCruiser]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be?

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me.

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

It's this attitude of power and control that I object to. And why is buying the ring some sort of a "challenge" to "prove" you know her well enough to meet 80% of her expectations (but 100% would be overrated?!?). WTH? Picking out a ring isn't a sporting event. If I was your girlfriend, I would wonder what other areas of our life together you'd fall short in.

You are taking this WAY too personally. Life is too short to be debating with you on the issue.

 

[Smith1942]

I feel that this thread is getting totally out of hand. Allow me to offer a few facts and an opinion and hopefully this thread will settle down to something a little less confrontational.

First of all, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Second, men (including me) have egos and an ingrained feeling of dominance over time and history. Third, why do anything that would threaten a marriage before it even starts such as getting an engagement ring the bride wouldn't want (see my earlier post about my friend whose surprise ring was "too small" for his girlfriend)?

This all being said, wouldn't it just make more sense to involve both parties in the decision to buy the engagement ring? Sure the element of surprise is gone, but the days of chivalry and men making the decisions in the household have eroded away with women having careers and more equality in life. Men - propose when the time is right. It may be on a moonlit beach, over a romantic dinner, or (in my case) on the living room couch watching "our movie". Women - if this is "the one", accept the proposal. Then, work together, as all marriages should, on the ring, the wedding, the house, the kids, the bills, retirement, and just life in general.

Our store just sold two rings yesterday, one to a woman who celebrated her 49th anniversary by mounting her mother's 1.31 ct OEC into a halo mounting that her husband, the only man she ever dated, said if you like it, buy it. The second to a 90 year old woman getting married for the third time to a resident in her assisted living facility (she outlived her first two husbands). They picked out the ring together and went out together hand in hand. Both of these couples were very much in love, did things together, and will be together until the end of their days. More power to them!

The 50% statistic isn't really true, at least it's much more complicated than that. It's not true, depending on who you are...

The stats get pushed up by the serial offenders, which is to say those people that generate a huge amount of marriages. I'm not somebody who knows a large number of people, not being a massive extrovert, but even I know at least three people who are much-married. There was the work colleague who had been married six times last time we were in touch which was ten years ago. The sixth marriage was to the first wife again. Then, my old boss was married four times, and she's still only 58 so there's time for more. Then, there was the Dirty Harry police detective in my town who was on his third divorce by age 47.

So that's 13 marriages generated by three people, and possibly one of those three has gone on to marry more times since I knew them. They really push the divorce statistics up.

Other factors come into play like being more likely to divorce if you marry young, if your parents were divorced, if it's a second marriage, etc.

If you marry after 30, your parents aren't divorced, it's a first marriage and you are educated to degree level, the divorce rate among that demographic is a mere 10%. If you marry after 35 and all the other things are true, I believe it's a little less. If your parents were divorced, or if it's a second marriage but the other things are true, it's higher than 10% but nowhere near that 50%.

I believe strongly in marriage and it always upsets me a little to see that 50% stat bandied about, because it seems to make a mockery of the choice of marriage, and it isn't a true statistic for many people.

 

[Smith1942]

I mean, why would someone show their girlfriend a ring before proposing? It seems backwards to me....I guess I just don't understand how it comes to pass. I can see picking the ring out together, but him buying it on the down low and proposing later. I don't get bringing the ring home together, taking it out and looking at it, putting it back, and waiting for the proposal. You already know it's coming, right?

I'm not a guy, but my guess would be to ensure she likes the ring. I think that would lessen the stress for him (and for her). It seems that more and more guys are showing an increased interest in getting their FF what she wants, and not just focusing on the surprise. My DH let me totally design my ring because, and I quote "...if I'm gonna spend this money, you'd better like it! ...if you pick it out, then I know you'll like it..." He knows I'm picky. LOL

FWIW, I asked my DH what he would've chosen for me if he was the one to pick it out and surprise me... Well, he told me...

OMG. -- and not in a good way.

Well... I sort of agree with the thread starter. Other than the surprise factor... even if the ring is not 100% what the lady would have chosen for herself, shouldn't there be any value for the fact that the ring was painstakingly (assuming) chosen by her husband to be?

Yes... buying it with your gf may help make sure it is exactly what she wants... but that becomes just making a purchase of anything really. I value the gift and surprise element... and of course... also the challenge knowing her well enough to pick a ring that will meet say 80% of her expectations or more. If that can be achieved, then her 100% satisfaction is overrated for me.

I told my gf upfront... that picking out a ring with her is something that will never happen between us. Haha.

It's this attitude of power and control that I object to. And why is buying the ring some sort of a "challenge" to "prove" you know her well enough to meet 80% of her expectations (but 100% would be overrated?!?). WTH? Picking out a ring isn't a sporting event. If I was your girlfriend, I would wonder what other areas of our life together you'd fall short in.

You are taking this WAY too personally. Life is too short to be debating with you on the issue.

Maximus, when you said that picking out a ring together is something that will never happen with you, did you just mean that you were determined to be as romantic about it as possible? (which for you means a complete surprise).

You have to understand that when a woman shows dominance and says what she will and will not do, it's never really seen as a threat but as a sign of a strong woman in a world which is still too male-dominated in some ways. I completely agree that a man also has the same right to state strongly what he feels he does and does not want to do. However, when it's coming from a man it can be innocent, or it can come from a place of dominance that most women wouldn't want to be around, and on a public internet forum with no body language or tone of voice, it's impossible to tell which. I think that's why some women reading your post would have alarm bells going off. But possibly all you meant is that you want to arrange as great a surprise as possible, not that you necessarily have a pathological need for control over the situation.