Relationship Question

[mausketeer]

Well the wedding is already off (can''t really go into WHY on here right now) but I am wondering about ONE specific thing that comes up now when we argue and I can''t seem to get a consensus on it from my girlfriends so I thought I''d throw it out there to your guys....... see what you think.

My boyfriend and I argue a LOT (yes, contributing to the wedding being off - LOL) and for the most part although I raise my voice during the arguments, I tend to TRY to stick to the topic at hand and not get really personal in it (it never gets out of hand into screaming matches, physical violence or ANYTHING like that. We are for the most part pretty civil to each other. I try very very hard to not say anything really mean to him that I will regret when the fight is over. Sometimes I get kind of sarcastic and snotty I admit but for the MOST part, I TRY to just say what is the ISSUE we are arguing about. I''m actually pretty good that way). Lately however during these arguments, HE has taken to calling me a four letter word that begins with the letter C and ends with the letter T. Now, I am no Girl Scout, believe me, and we are both potty mouths ANYWAYS but I DO not like this turn of events (it has happened about 4 or 5 times now) I always completely stop the argument and make it perfectly clear that this is UNACCEPTABLE to me and I do NOT like that he is calling me that. I would NEVER EVER say that to anyone in the heat of the moment no matter WHAT the fight was about and I find it absolutely disgusting that he thinks it''s okay that he can say that to ME. He just kind of shrugs and says something along the lines of "Well if you didn''t act like one....." etc. And afterwards he does NOT apologize for it either. I am REALLY disturbed by this and it actually directly contributed to my decision to call off the wedding (I''m not sure if this is overreacting on my part but I honestly kept thinking "my future HUSBAND thinks it''s okay to call me a C when we argue? That is SO not cool!").

When I talk to my friends about it they seem to be split 50/50 as to how bad this particular issue is. Half seem to think he''s just being a jerk and guys say stupid things when they''re mad and THEIR husbands have said crappy things to them that they regret too (ah, but did they APOLOGIZE afterwards? Yes, they did!). The other half say "WHY are you still with him?????"

Thoughts?

 

[Lauren8211]

No. Wrong. Absolutely not. Unacceptable.

I could give it a pass ONCE! But that is IT. And believe me, he''d pay for having used it the one time.

You made it clear that is not acceptable and he continues to do it, and that would be a deal breaker for me. Name calling is bad enough, but that one name in particular makes my blood boil.

I''d be out that door so fast!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:36:31 PM
Author:mausketeer
Well the wedding is already off (can''t really go into WHY on here right now) but I am wondering about ONE specific thing that comes up now when we argue and I can''t seem to get a consensus on it from my girlfriends so I thought I''d throw it out there to your guys....... see what you think.

My boyfriend and I argue a LOT (yes, contributing to the wedding being off - LOL) and for the most part although I raise my voice during the arguments, I tend to TRY to stick to the topic at hand and not get really personal in it (it never gets out of hand into screaming matches, physical violence or ANYTHING like that. We are for the most part pretty civil to each other. I try very very hard to not say anything really mean to him that I will regret when the fight is over. Sometimes I get kind of sarcastic and snotty I admit but for the MOST part, I TRY to just say what is the ISSUE we are arguing about. I''m actually pretty good that way). Lately however during these arguments, HE has taken to calling me a four letter word that begins with the letter C and ends with the letter T. Now, I am no Girl Scout, believe me, and we are both potty mouths ANYWAYS but I DO not like this turn of events (it has happened about 4 or 5 times now) I always completely stop the argument and make it perfectly clear that this is UNACCEPTABLE to me and I do NOT like that he is calling me that. I would NEVER EVER say that to anyone in the heat of the moment no matter WHAT the fight was about and I find it absolutely disgusting that he thinks it''s okay that he can say that to ME. He just kind of shrugs and says something along the lines of ''Well if you didn''t act like one.....'' etc. And afterwards he does NOT apologize for it either. I am REALLY disturbed by this and it actually directly contributed to my decision to call off the wedding (I''m not sure if this is overreacting on my part but I honestly kept thinking ''my future HUSBAND thinks it''s okay to call me a C when we argue? That is SO not cool!'').

When I talk to my friends about it they seem to be split 50/50 as to how bad this particular issue is. Half seem to think he''s just being a jerk and guys say stupid things when they''re mad and THEIR husbands have said crappy things to them that they regret too (ah, but did they APOLOGIZE afterwards? Yes, they did!). The other half say ''WHY are you still with him?????''

Thoughts?

OH HELL NO!

I can''t handle name calling PERIOD. There are certain lines that must be drawn in a relationship, sorta like groundrules and if this is something you can''t live with then say so- honestly though if my SO every called me a C*** that would be IT for me. As a self respecting woman I would walk away. Just my 2 cents.

Good luck.

 

[Aloros]

No no no no no!

Not cool! I''d stop the argument right there and he had BETTER apologize! Not only do I have my own personal aversions to that word, but you made it clear that it really upsets you, and he keeps doing it. That''s a big problem.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Hangon...

Did he say "you are a C***" or did he say "your being a C/ quit acting like a c***"??.....dependent on the provocation (if you were acting like a B), sometimes these things can occur, still not saying it is ever acceptable.

Anyway, I am sure you will get plenty O advice here.

 

[TravelingGal]

OMG, he called you a coot!! That''s awful!

Seriously, that word is off limits. TGuy swears like a sailor but even he says that word is too disgusting and derogatory to call someone.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:48:29 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OMG, he called you a coot!! That''s awful!

Seriously, that word is off limits. TGuy swears like a sailor but even he says that word is too disgusting and derogatory to call someone.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:45:36 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Hangon...

Did he say ''you are a C***'' or did he say ''your being a C/ quit acting like a c***''??.....dependent on the provocation (if you were acting like a B), sometimes these things can occur, still not saying it is ever acceptable.

Anyway, I am sure you will get plenty O advice here.

yeah, that context can make a difference... but no relationship should endure name calling on either end... any name calling, but a see you next tuesday!!! that is a NAUGHTY WORD!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:43:10 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 5/11/2009 3:36:31 PM

Author:mausketeer

Well the wedding is already off (can''t really go into WHY on here right now) but I am wondering about ONE specific thing that comes up now when we argue and I can''t seem to get a consensus on it from my girlfriends so I thought I''d throw it out there to your guys....... see what you think.


My boyfriend and I argue a LOT (yes, contributing to the wedding being off - LOL) and for the most part although I raise my voice during the arguments, I tend to TRY to stick to the topic at hand and not get really personal in it (it never gets out of hand into screaming matches, physical violence or ANYTHING like that. We are for the most part pretty civil to each other. I try very very hard to not say anything really mean to him that I will regret when the fight is over. Sometimes I get kind of sarcastic and snotty I admit but for the MOST part, I TRY to just say what is the ISSUE we are arguing about. I''m actually pretty good that way). Lately however during these arguments, HE has taken to calling me a four letter word that begins with the letter C and ends with the letter T. Now, I am no Girl Scout, believe me, and we are both potty mouths ANYWAYS but I DO not like this turn of events (it has happened about 4 or 5 times now) I always completely stop the argument and make it perfectly clear that this is UNACCEPTABLE to me and I do NOT like that he is calling me that. I would NEVER EVER say that to anyone in the heat of the moment no matter WHAT the fight was about and I find it absolutely disgusting that he thinks it''s okay that he can say that to ME. He just kind of shrugs and says something along the lines of ''Well if you didn''t act like one.....'' etc. And afterwards he does NOT apologize for it either. I am REALLY disturbed by this and it actually directly contributed to my decision to call off the wedding (I''m not sure if this is overreacting on my part but I honestly kept thinking ''my future HUSBAND thinks it''s okay to call me a C when we argue? That is SO not cool!'').


When I talk to my friends about it they seem to be split 50/50 as to how bad this particular issue is. Half seem to think he''s just being a jerk and guys say stupid things when they''re mad and THEIR husbands have said crappy things to them that they regret too (ah, but did they APOLOGIZE afterwards? Yes, they did!). The other half say ''WHY are you still with him?????''


Thoughts?

OH HELL NO!

I can''t handle name calling PERIOD. There are certain lines that must be drawn in a relationship, sorta like groundrules and if this is something you can''t live with then say so- honestly though if my SO every called me a C*** that would be IT for me. As a self respecting woman I would walk away. Just my 2 cents.


Good luck.

BIG DITTO on this one....


Sorry your BF is such an a$$hat.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:50:24 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/11/2009 3:45:36 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Hangon...

Did he say ''you are a C***'' or did he say ''your being a C/ quit acting like a c***''??.....dependent on the provocation (if you were acting like a B), sometimes these things can occur, still not saying it is ever acceptable.

Anyway, I am sure you will get plenty O advice here.

yeah, that context can make a difference... but no relationship should endure name calling on either end... any name calling, but a see you next tuesday!!! that is a NAUGHTY WORD!

****threadjack- that is such a cool word, it rings with comedic tone.

***end threadjack

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:50:24 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/11/2009 3:45:36 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Hangon...

Did he say ''you are a C***'' or did he say ''your being a C/ quit acting like a c***''??.....dependent on the provocation (if you were acting like a B), sometimes these things can occur, still not saying it is ever acceptable.

Anyway, I am sure you will get plenty O advice here.

yeah, that context can make a difference... but no relationship should endure name calling on either end... any name calling, but a see you next tuesday!!! that is a NAUGHTY WORD!

Nope, I disagree. Why tell me I''m acting like a coot if acting like a witch can suffice? Personally, I could probably put up with the latter.

 

[CurlySue]

I would have a HUGE problem with this.

 

[geckodani]

Unacepptable.

Name calling should never be a part of any fight. Especially a name as derogatory as THAT.

 

[ravengirl]

While I would find that completely off limits for ME, I think it might depend on what you have agreed upon as a couple. For example, my BF and I are pretty strict when it comes to fighting. We long ago agreed no swearing, no yelling, and we have to sit facing each other while we discuss an argument (it''s much easier to say mean things to someone''s back, or as they are storming out of a room, etc).

But I don''t know that I would make a blanket statement that all couples should fight like this. You have to figure out what works for you! Unfortunately, it sounds like your SO''s behavior isn''t working for you, so that''s really the issue. You''ve told him that you''d like this to be out of bounds, and he doesn''t respect that.

Do you say things that are equally as mean? Are you calling him other, hurtful cuss words? Is it that he calls you this, or that he doesn''t apologize that really bothers you?

 

[Circe]

You know, honestly, I don''t have a problem with that particular word. I don''t understand why the terminology associated with the feminine anatomy is supposed to be *so* insulting ... in many ways, it strikes me as better than being called a female dog, or any of the other alternatives.

But that said, if he knows that it bothers *you,* and he keeps doing it? Uh-uh. I''m much less rational than you in that raised voices, period, send me through the roof, and while it may have taken a couple of fights for that to penetrate for my partner, once it did, he stopped. In this case, it seems more like your BF is defending his "right" to call you names by justifying his reasons, and maybe like he''s doing it deliberately to hurt you.

Have you considered couples therapy? ''Cause, if it were me, the options would be, a) his knocking it off voluntarily because he realizes it''s wrong, b) going to counseling so that someone else can explain it to him, or, c) letting his next GF put up with it. If he knows it bugs you and he does it anyway, it''s unacceptable.

 

[Bia]

I have seen the name calling thing done and it is not pretty. You shouldn't overstep certain boundaries, and this is a big one, because it only gets worse. If you plan on staying with your BF, then you both need to make some sort of pact, in a sense, that you'll never speak to one another like that, ever again.

It's not okay. And it can be very telling of what kind of relationship you really have, versus what kind you think you may have.



eta: This is not to say we don't swear occasionally, because we do. It depends how serious the fight is and how angry we really are. Sometimes you need the F-word to get your point across.

 

[rainwood]

Different people have different reactions to the C word. It doesn''t matter what someone else thinks about that word; it only matters what you think and that you told him how you feel about it. Like some of the other posters, I find it disturbing that he knows how much you hate that word and continues to use it. That''s either a problem on its own or the symptom of a bigger problem.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:53:00 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 5/11/2009 3:50:24 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/11/2009 3:45:36 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Hangon...

Did he say ''you are a C***'' or did he say ''your being a C/ quit acting like a c***''??.....dependent on the provocation (if you were acting like a B), sometimes these things can occur, still not saying it is ever acceptable.

Anyway, I am sure you will get plenty O advice here.

yeah, that context can make a difference... but no relationship should endure name calling on either end... any name calling, but a see you next tuesday!!! that is a NAUGHTY WORD!

Nope, I disagree. Why tell me I''m acting like a coot if acting like a witch can suffice? Personally, I could probably put up with the latter.

And the world spins.

I am not down with witch. Being compared to a meany greeny with warts tend to bring the fire out in me...likewise for female dog, and coot.

How about if DH called you a vagina (can I say that?) I would probably DIE laughing.

 

[Sabine]

This would not be okay with me. We try to not swear at each other at all during fights, and if we do, we know it is something we need to apologize for and promise to try not to do once we have cooled down. He is trying to express his anger at you, but there are more constructive ways to do it. I would ask him to try to replace that word with one you feel comfortable with that he feels still gets his point across, like brat or something.

 

[neatfreak]

As other have said it depends on your own boundaries...

But for ME I would never ever ever consider marrying someone who called me things like that.

I think some couples love to get in heated arguments and that is fine-but it crosses the line into unhealthy behavior once name calling begins IMO.

 

[ravengirl]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:58:22 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 5/11/2009 3:53:00 PM

Author: TravelingGal

Date: 5/11/2009 3:50:24 PM

Author: tlh

Date: 5/11/2009 3:45:36 PM

Author: iwannaprettyone

Hangon...


Did he say ''you are a C***'' or did he say ''your being a C/ quit acting like a c***''??.....dependent on the provocation (if you were acting like a B), sometimes these things can occur, still not saying it is ever acceptable.


Anyway, I am sure you will get plenty O advice here.

yeah, that context can make a difference... but no relationship should endure name calling on either end... any name calling, but a see you next tuesday!!! that is a NAUGHTY WORD!

Nope, I disagree. Why tell me I''m acting like a coot if acting like a witch can suffice? Personally, I could probably put up with the latter.

And the world spins.


I am not down with witch. Being compared to a meany greeny with warts tend to bring the fire out in me...likewise for female dog, and coot.


How about if DH called you a vagina (can I say that?) I would probably DIE laughing.

lmao...

 

[Madam Bijoux]

He knows you don''t like the word and keeps saying it anyway: this is verbal abuse which could lead to physical abuse in the future. I would think long and hard about staying with someone like that. Is it worth it?

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:58:22 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 5/11/2009 3:53:00 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 5/11/2009 3:50:24 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/11/2009 3:45:36 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Hangon...

Did he say ''you are a C***'' or did he say ''your being a C/ quit acting like a c***''??.....dependent on the provocation (if you were acting like a B), sometimes these things can occur, still not saying it is ever acceptable.

Anyway, I am sure you will get plenty O advice here.

yeah, that context can make a difference... but no relationship should endure name calling on either end... any name calling, but a see you next tuesday!!! that is a NAUGHTY WORD!

Nope, I disagree. Why tell me I''m acting like a coot if acting like a witch can suffice? Personally, I could probably put up with the latter.

And the world spins.

I am not down with witch. Being compared to a meany greeny with warts tend to bring the fire out in me...likewise for female dog, and coot.

How about if DH called you a vagina (can I say that?) I would probably DIE laughing.

FF has, and I definitely laughed... it broke the tension.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:58:22 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 5/11/2009 3:53:00 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 5/11/2009 3:50:24 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/11/2009 3:45:36 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Hangon...

Did he say ''you are a C***'' or did he say ''your being a C/ quit acting like a c***''??.....dependent on the provocation (if you were acting like a B), sometimes these things can occur, still not saying it is ever acceptable.

Anyway, I am sure you will get plenty O advice here.

yeah, that context can make a difference... but no relationship should endure name calling on either end... any name calling, but a see you next tuesday!!! that is a NAUGHTY WORD!

Nope, I disagree. Why tell me I''m acting like a coot if acting like a witch can suffice? Personally, I could probably put up with the latter.

And the world spins.

I am not down with witch. Being compared to a meany greeny with warts tend to bring the fire out in me...likewise for female dog, and coot.

How about if DH called you a vagina (can I say that?) I would probably DIE laughing.

You know, I think as others said, it boils down to the couple.

I call myself a meany greeny female dog sometimes. I don''t love the word, but between TGuy and me, it''s not TERRIBLE word. It just means I''m grumpy/cranky (which fortunately for him doesn''t happen often).

TGuy himself thinks coot is a terrible word and it would be reserved for the bottom of the barrel. Hence I would never want it to be directed at me.

TGuy could probably handle being called all sorts of things. (Thankfully, I can''t remember the last time we had a fight that got heated enough to use expletives). But the one word that is OFF LIMITS to call him? Loser. Yup. If I call him that, he''ll have my hide. Fortunately I didn''t marry a loser, so I don''t have to use that word.

 

[Lilac]

I think that''s completely unacceptable. I would never EVER call someone that and if my husband ever did, I don''t even want to think about how I would react. Fighting is one thing, name-calling is one thing (not that it''s right or should ever be done), but calling someone something that derogatory is absolutely unacceptable. And not apologizing for it after the fact makes it 10 times worse.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/11/2009 4:00:26 PM
Author: neatfreak
As other have said it depends on your own boundaries...

But for ME I would never ever ever consider marrying someone who called me things like that.

I think some couples love to get in heated arguments and that is fine-but it crosses the line into unhealthy behavior once name calling begins IMO.

It''s probably semantics, but I actually have no problems if TGuy says I am acting like a b*tch or saying something like, "stop acting like a jerk." It''s different from you are a ....

 

[purrfectpear]

Forget the whole marry or not thing, I can''t believe you still share sheets with a guy that called you that

Girl, get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

 

[Delster]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:57:55 PM
Author: rainwood
Different people have different reactions to the C word. It doesn't matter what someone else thinks about that word; it only matters what you think and that you told him how you feel about it. Like some of the other posters, I find it disturbing that he knows how much you hate that word and continues to use it. That's either a problem on its own or the symptom of a bigger problem.

What rainwood said. So sorry you're going through this mausketeer.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 5/11/2009 4:03:20 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 5/11/2009 3:58:22 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 5/11/2009 3:53:00 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 5/11/2009 3:50:24 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/11/2009 3:45:36 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
Hangon...

Did he say ''you are a C***'' or did he say ''your being a C/ quit acting like a c***''??.....dependent on the provocation (if you were acting like a B), sometimes these things can occur, still not saying it is ever acceptable.

Anyway, I am sure you will get plenty O advice here.

yeah, that context can make a difference... but no relationship should endure name calling on either end... any name calling, but a see you next tuesday!!! that is a NAUGHTY WORD!

Nope, I disagree. Why tell me I''m acting like a coot if acting like a witch can suffice? Personally, I could probably put up with the latter.

And the world spins.

I am not down with witch. Being compared to a meany greeny with warts tend to bring the fire out in me...likewise for female dog, and coot.

How about if DH called you a vagina (can I say that?) I would probably DIE laughing.

You know, I think as others said, it boils down to the couple.

I call myself a meany greeny female dog sometimes. I don''t love the word, but between TGuy and me, it''s not TERRIBLE word. It just means I''m grumpy/cranky (which fortunately for him doesn''t happen often).

TGuy himself thinks coot is a terrible word and it would be reserved for the bottom of the barrel. Hence I would never want it to be directed at me.

TGuy could probably handle being called all sorts of things. (Thankfully, I can''t remember the last time we had a fight that got heated enough to use expletives). But the one word that is OFF LIMITS to call him? Loser. Yup. If I call him that, he''ll have my hide. Fortunately I didn''t marry a loser, so I don''t have to use that word.

Agreed.

DH''s no no''s are Dumbass and Loser. I too cannot recall a time when we name called, that was something we eliminated in the very beginning. I too call myself a witch, it is funny and sometimes it fits.

I also agree with MBs comment on verbal abuse with potential escalation to physical violence. Be aware.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Date: 5/11/2009 4:07:42 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Forget the whole marry or not thing, I can''t believe you still share sheets with a guy that called you that

Girl, get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Well said. I''d be out that door so fast.