Relationship Question

[musey]

Honestly, it would really bother me too... but so would any name-calling. I've heard my father in law call his wife a B, and even THAT really bothers me - my husband's been informed that that is intolerable for me. To me, though, the issue here IS (as you suggested) that it's an issue of his not respecting your hatred of that word, as opposed to the word itself being unacceptable (which is, I suppose, debatable) in an argument situation.

My husband has erased certain words/phrases from his vocabulary (in particular, telling me to "calm down") because I've made it known that they REALLY get to me, even if he doesn't think it's reasonable/logical that I feel that way - which is certainly the case, but that doesn't matter. What matters is how *I* feel about it.

I would personally not be happy being in a relationship which I could not have a level of respect from my partner in this area. I need him to understand and respect my responses (whether rational or not) to certain things, whether they be his actions, word choices, or whatever.


For whatever that's worth

 

[Allisonfaye]

I only had one bf ever use this word with me. I think the thing that bothered me was that it gave me the sense that he had overall misogynistic (spell?) tendencies. There were other examples. Like if a woman flipped him off in traffic, he would make some really disparaging comment about women (with real hatred). I think the anger behind it was what bothered me most, not the word itself, per se. He could get really, really ugly really fast in an argument. I don''t know. It is the ugliness. Like if he used the N word about a black person. I don''t know if I am making any point here, successfully, at least. To be with a person that had that much anger in them would bother me.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 5/11/2009 6:00:15 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/11/2009 5:31:47 PM

Author: mausketeer

Thanks so much everyone. I was hoping some of you would chime in (hi Whidby! Loved your answer! Thank you!)


Yes, the first time he just flat out called me a ''C___!'' in the heat of the argument, then when I said ''um, hey, I REALLY don''t like that, do NOTcall me that again, okay!!?'' he got smart and after that he has been saying things like ''you''re ACTING like a C___'' (notice how TECHNICALLY he''s SORT of NOT calling me one? Yes, it''s like living with a 12 year old.......)


The really issue here is: he KNOWS I don''t like it. I''ve been about as clear as a D IF diamond - LOL - and yet he continues to do it. WHY? Because he knows it bothers me. THAT is what bothers me the most. Yes, I''ll admit, I''ve called him an a-hole a few times. Not in recent memory and certainly I didn''t do it before he called me the C word. And when I HAVE called him an a-hole, I don''t recall him EVER saying to me, ''Hey - do NOT call me that!'' but you better believe that if he DID, I would NEVER do it again. EVER. And I would apologize for it (that''s the other thing here - he WON''T apologize. Either during the argument or afterwards. I honestly believe this man would rather poke his eyes out with needles than apologize to me for anything you guys seriously..... NOT good)


Oh BTW - we ARE in counselling now (I think this was my reaction to the LAST time he said it ''WE ARE GOING TO A THERAPIST!!!!'') It''s not really been very encouraging so far I must say. The therapist is great but it''s focussed more on ''communication'' rather than getting to the heart of what our issues are so..... I''m not very optimistic at this point. I think there is too much water under the bridge, too many issues. Too much resentment (obviously!) I just don''t see how we can rebuild our house on such a shaky foundation, you know?

Ok, I take back what I said, when you tell him you find it offensive and then he REPEATS himself w/clarification it just makes him a turd.


I wish you could train a cat/dog to tinkle in his shoes.

Or she could just pack her bags and tinkle in his shoes herself before she walks out the door.

Kidding, kidding! No, seriously Mausketeer, do NOT pee in his shoes. Packing the bags, however....

 

[mausketeer]

Some of these responses are making me laugh - I''m coming off as such a doormat (believe me - I''m not. I''m VERY strong). I think this is maybe ONE of those things that he can do to "get at me", you know? (he tends to be very passive-aggressive rather than direct - like I said, we have a LOT of issues going on here...... sigh)

Boy, it sure does open your eyes to see things written down though, doesn''t it? Keep in mind that I''m sure when he talks to HIS friends they are saying things to HIM about ME (I can be very CONTROLLING etc etc)

I just wanted to comment that someone had asked how he reacted when I called off the wedding? Interesting question - um, he didn''t have ANY initially because HE DIDN''T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG. Wow (red flag there, right?) Since then it took him about two weeks to tell his family (not a huge deal considering the wedding was in Vegas in 4 months and was low key but still..... I told my friends and family right away. It''s kind of a big deal, right?) He said he was EMBARASSED to talk to them and didn''t know what to say. I was like "Why? Just tell them the TRUTH. We''re not getting along right now and we want to make sure we don''t make a mistake. Who wouldn''t understand that?" (I tried to get him to take a look at some other members of his family like his uncle who has been separated from his wife for like, 20 years but is still married to her and living with his new girlfriend, or like his brother who''s new wife has 4 kids from 4 different guys, etc etc. He didn''t want to hear ANY of it) He said he was just embarrassed to admit that he''d made a HUGE MISTAKE (getting ENGAGED to me). Yup. Nothing about being SAD that we''re not getting married. Nothing about US. Just being embarrassed about making a mistake and it ALL had to do with his family. Wow.......

I''m betting the expression "dodged a bullet" is coming up in people''s minds right about now? LOL

 

[whitby_2773]

hi again mausketeer

the thing about couples therapy is that it addresses things wrong with the relationship - not things wrong inside an individual. if your relationship has problems, couples therapy will address things like communication or interaction or goal setting or couples boundaries etcetcetc. things like anger, misogyny, chauvinism, a desire to hurt, unresolved issues with his mother or poor modeling between his parents are for a clinician, not a counsellor, and they''re for individual therapy, not couples counseling.

by staying with him you''re sending a few messages; 1) it''s ok to do things i dont like even if i''ve asked you not to ie it''s ok to ignore my wishes and requests -> you don''t need to respect me and i am probably not worthy of respect, 2) i won''t leave you even if you hurt me - and it''s ok to hurt me, 3) you are stronger than me and your needs, preferences and desires are more important than mine, 4) i SAY i disagree with your comments about women and their genitalia but deep down i agree with you cause people vote with their feet and my feet are staying in your bed, 5) you don''t need to apologize to me -> i''m a victim.

people rarely change these sorts of deep seated issues as they age. normally they just become more pronounced. ''more pronounced'' can often mean outright aggression - especially if said person has alcohol issues.

mausketeer, you''re at a crossroad.

run.

 

[CNOS128]

I believe that you''re very strong, Mausketeer. I think it takes a really strong person to call of a wedding because it might be a mistake. And it takes a really strong person to post something like you did, fully knowing that 100% of the responses could be to pack your things and go. Just the fact that you''re not defending him and his actions and you''re willing to admit that he treats you poorly demonstrates your strength. I hope you can manage to find some peace in all this.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/11/2009 6:17:39 PM
Author: mausketeer


I''m betting the expression ''dodged a bullet'' is coming up in people''s minds right about now? LOL

actually for some reason I''m thinking about kitty litter cake.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/11/2009 6:25:51 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/11/2009 6:17:39 PM
Author: mausketeer


I''m betting the expression ''dodged a bullet'' is coming up in people''s minds right about now? LOL

actually for some reason I''m thinking about kitty litter cake.

ya know, I didn''t need to see that while eating my snack.

 

[Steel]

Sorry Mausketeer,

I''m firmly in the ''no'' that is not acceptable camp.

It sounds like your fella is testing you. He defo needs to be taking the therapy seriously, if not for this relationship then for the next. If he cannot change it is best that there be an next relationship.

Sorry 0.02

 

[isaku5]

TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. IF MY DH EVER DIRECTED THAT WORD IN MY DIRECTION, HE''D BE OUTTA HERE IN A FLASH!!

I''m sooooo relieved for your sake that the wedding is off. Very wise move...

 

[ahappygirl]

As usual, PS ladies are offering great advice.

Here''s mine: It should be over; make a clean and permanent break. You cannot fix this. He doesn''t appear to remotely want to change...fine. Leave this relationship with peace in your heart and the strength that comes from doing the hard thing that is the right thing to do. From the tiny bit you''ve shared, it does not bode well for a future of happy married life. Life is hard enough and guaranteed to bring serious challenges your way (like it does to everyone) and you want someone who wouldn''t dream of devaluing you and intentionally hurting you, much less repeatedly. You want a man who would walk through fire for you in any circumstance, not a vindictive child.

 

[HollyS]

Yes, you did dodge a bullet.

Quit the therapy; there''s nothing to fix. Dump his ass. The fat lady has sung, honey. It''s over.


I know I''m being blunt; blame it on my daily dose of Dr. Laura. It''s what she would say. Or maybe it''s just Purrfect Pear''s influence.

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/11/2009 6:17:39 PM
Author: mausketeer
I''m betting the expression ''dodged a bullet'' is coming up in people''s minds right about now? LOL

You haven''t dodged this bullet until you end things with him. Until then, the bullet is still headed straight at you.

 

[rainwood]

I''m going to have to second Whitby''s message about couples counseling only being able to address what''s wrong with you as a couple, not what may be wrong with him as a person. Yes, there are some red flags, and the more you tell us, the more they start flapping in the breeze. Trust your instincts. You know something big is wrong and it may not be fixable.

And you may have said it in jest, but yes, you dodged a bullet. Don''t step back into the line of fire.

 

[Dancing Fire]

how we used to say it in grade school?

....sticks and stones will break my bones,but words can never hurt me.

 

[Kaleigh]

Well, you''ve gotten great advice. I hope you move on, YES you did dodge a bullet here. Thank god. A man that would call you that? I have no words. I really don''t. Best of luck going foward. Please let us know how it goes.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/11/2009 7:36:10 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
how we used to say it in grade school?

....sticks and stones will break my bones,but words can never hurt me.

HA!! OK< DF, how about if someone calls one of your daughter's that??? HUH??? Going to feel the same way???

 

[Porridge]

Date: 5/11/2009 6:55:03 PM
Author: HollyS
Yes, you did dodge a bullet.


Quit the therapy; there's nothing to fix. Dump his ass. The fat lady has sung, honey. It's over.



I know I'm being blunt; blame it on my daily dose of Dr. Laura. It's what she would say. Or maybe it's just Purrfect Pear's influence.

Ditto. Name calling is not ok anyway. But there's just something about that word...ugh.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/11/2009 7:40:36 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 5/11/2009 7:36:10 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
how we used to say it in grade school?

....sticks and stones will break my bones,but words can never hurt me.

HA!! OK< DF, how about if someone calls one of your daughter''s that??? HUH??? Going to feel the same way???

i would sent my mean grandma Linda

to kick some rear ends.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 5/11/2009 6:55:03 PM
Author: HollyS
Yes, you did dodge a bullet.

Quit the therapy; there''s nothing to fix. Dump his ass. The fat lady has sung, honey. It''s over.

I know I''m being blunt; blame it on my daily dose of Dr. Laura. It''s what she would say. Or maybe it''s just Purrfect Pear''s influence.

Ditto! Don''t be afraid of change - embrace it! This guy is a GRADE A LOSER.

 

[tigian]

Date: 5/11/2009 3:54:29 PM
Author: geckodani
Unacepptable.

Name calling should never be a part of any fight. Especially a name as derogatory as THAT.

Exactly!

 

[upgrade]

Run for the hills. If he''ll speak to you in that way, he doesn''t respect you. Why would you even consider devoting your life to someone who doesn''t even have enough respect for you to speak to you kindly? This is not a man worthy of marrying. This is definitely not a man worthy of having children with. He''ll teach your sons how to treat women and teach your daughters how they deserve to be treated- is that would you would want for them?

Good for you for recognizing that there''s a BIG problem with this relationship. I wish you well...

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 5/11/2009 5:01:23 PM
Author: whitby_2773
i absolutely do NOT have a problem with the word - when it''s used strictly to describe female anatomy. i find it to be a proud, strong, highly sexual word which can be quite appropriate in the bedroom - especially if used in context by the female. on the other hand i HATE the slang word for female genitalia which refers to young cats. talk about de-powering women - *shudder* like - ''let''s avoid referring to their genitalia with any accuracy cause - hey - we''re guys, and we''re terrified of the whole ''girlie bits'' thing anyway and if you make me say vagina i''ll probably turn into a big girl or something and if i have to deal with your MENSTRUAL CYCLE my testicles will fall off!''

however.....

when the C word is used as an aggressive insult, when a man tries to imply that ANY expression for female genitalia can be a term of disgust, when men revert to caveman female oppression-era tactics which imply a woman''s reproductive organs are unclean, disgusting, repulsive, or in ANY WAY unacceptable....

baby. i''m outta there. you can''t insult it and sleep with it at the same time. buddy - go get some freudian therapy and try to resolve how you feel about women.

mausketeer, i''m sorry if this seems harsh to you. but after a couple of decades of working as a developmental psychologist specializing in dispute resolution, i have my hot button issues. disrespect for what is innately female is one of them. my experience was that i saw this most in men with women issues. and i would never want to be married to a man with issues about women.

Your hilarious Whitby!!!

To the OP- under no circumstances is it okay for your partner to call you the *C* word, or any word which makes you feel disrespected. I hope that you are doing okay and feeling good about yourself!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Maus, I hope you are doing okay!

I''m sorry if all of this was hard to hear.. But I know that deep down you realize that you DO deserve better.

 

[mirre]

Mausketeer, I can''t be positive but I think you may have made up your mind already. If counselling is your last hope at fixing it, and you have no faith in the therapy... it''s over. It''s hard to hear. It''s hard to follow through with, but I think once you are free of him you will be 100% better, you''ll feel better about yourself and enjoy life more. You have mentioned you are a strong person and I have no doubts about that, this is a very hard decision and once made you will be so much stronger.

If one of your conditions is that your SO not call you degrading and disrespectful names, stand your ground. You''ve told him you don''t like it. You''ve warned him. And he continues. I feel that it would only get worse from here. (I have been with someone that once they knew something got at me they continued to poke. And I will admit I hung on to that relationship for dear life and the reason it ended was not me, he stopped contacting me. And it took me awhile to go back and reflect on it and realize that everyone was right, it was a terribly unhealthy relationship and I will not go back to that kind of place.) It is a scary thing to think of starting over but you could find someone that treats you with the RESPECT you deserve and that deserves to have you as their wife. This BOY (I say boy because he is clearly not acting as a man) is not that person.

Best wishes to you in whatever decision you make.

 

[AdiS]

Here''s the thing-it''s not about the word. I once called my DH "A big stupid ox" while we were arguing. He thought it was hilarious and forgot he was angry with me. If he thought it was insulting and felt bad about it, I''d feel like s$%t too. I''d apologize until my lips sore and never even think of using it again. It''s not about the word. It''s about knowing tht something hurts your partner and doing it over and over again on purpose. Exactly that purpose-to hurt him/her. Your SO is supposed to love and respect you, Maus, not deliberately hurt you. I''m not going as far as to give you any advice on what to do with your relationship. I just want to commend you for being so courageous and straightforward. You seem like a really strong lady and I''m sure you''ll be just fine!

 

[swimmer]

Maus, I hope you are hanging in there. You sound so strong it is so hard to believe that you would take this shite. Love that dump certificate that Princess issued you. Wish I had had been given some over the years by people who cared. Folks will tell you once you leave him forever that they had always hoped that you would see the light. They will tell you what an arse he was and how he didn''t deserve you and then you will have an amazing time being single, and then will meet someone awesome and all along wonder why you ever wasted your time with such a poor excuse for a man. So please, don''t keep that future you waiting much longer.

It is too late to nip this in the bud, but this branch of your life is rotten to the core so will fall off nicely given a swift kick. (he said that the mistake was being engaged to YOU?) done. stick a fork in it done.

 

[Sha]

This wouldn''t be okay in my book either.

However, you mentioned that you also have a potty mouth... Is there anything that you call him when arguing (like a**hole) that makes him think that calling you a c*** would also be acceptable?

I haven''t read all the responses to this thread...so sorry if it''s already been mentioned.

 

[meresal]

YOU don''t like it = HE stops saying it.

Doesn''t matter what other people think. If he respects you, he would stop saying it.

 

[mausketeer]

Thanks to everyone for all of your suggestions and advice. I think someone here said it - sounds like my mind is already made up, yes? It''s a complicated situation though (involving immigration, two different countries etc.) Not as simple as simply moving out and away at the moment I''m afraid.......

Anyways - thanks again to everyone. I think my friends are too close to this situation and are worried about "saying the wrong thing" (plus they really like him and you know how it is, you tell your friend "he''s a JERK, get rid of him!" and then you have to make small talk with him at the BBQ the next week end!). You guys are always STRAIGHT. I appreciate that.

You ROCK!