Relationship Question

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/11/2009 4:05:12 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 5/11/2009 4:00:26 PM

Author: neatfreak

As other have said it depends on your own boundaries...


But for ME I would never ever ever consider marrying someone who called me things like that.


I think some couples love to get in heated arguments and that is fine-but it crosses the line into unhealthy behavior once name calling begins IMO.

It's probably semantics, but I actually have no problems if TGuy says I am acting like a b*tch or saying something like, 'stop acting like a jerk.' It's different from you are a ....

Saying you are "acting" like something is different...I agree. By name calling I mean saying "You are such a B****" or something equally derogatory. Such as what the OP's BF called her!

 

[mirre]

I think if it happened once it could be forgiven IF he were to apologize sincerely for it afterwards. He clearly has not and continues to call you names even though you''ve expressed your concerns about it. I would have to leave the relationship. I couldn''t be with someone who didn''t think more of me than that. But that''s my opinion and it has come from being with someone who I felt was emotionally abbusive.

I agree that there is a difference in saying "You are a C." and "You are acting like a C." but if you have expressed your disgust for that word and he really did feel the need to name call (even though it''s wrong anyway) he could say anything else... "You are acting like a 2 year old" for example. Even though it''s still name calling it''s so much better than calling you something derogatory which to me is unacceptable period. I don''t like for anyone, particulary male, and even more so my SO to call me a B****, whether they are joking or not it is just not acceptable to me.

I''m sorry to hear you are having a rough time right now and I hope everything starts to turn around for you. Good Luck!

 

[princesss]

Never ever EVER. I cannot stomach being called names, especially by those I love. I don''t even have a problem with that word, personally, but as it''s pretty much the height of awful words to call a woman, I *do* take issue with somebody you love calling you that, and then failing to see why it''s a problem.

I don''t think it''s overreacting at all to call off the wedding over such a sign of disrespect. Personally, I''d leave and thank my lucky stars his true colours showed before the wedding.

 

[April20]

Personally, I think it shows a distinct lack of respect for you on his part. In my opinion, him calling you that is completely unacceptable, no matter what the circumstances.

 

[Tuckins1]

Ummm. No. Not cool. If my boyfriend had called me a c^*t during a fight (meaning there was no joking or anything behind it) he would no longer be my man. I believe that if you truly love someone you would never speak to them that way.

 

[onvacation]

It''s not the word itself that''s the issue. You should''ve seen DH''s reaction when I used the f-word to him in a particularly heated argument; he was absolutely devastated that I would even think of saying that to him. Didn''t speak to me for a whole day. It was so scary, and it upset me to see him so down, that I never used it again and am careful not to. I think if he knows that you don''t like being called that word, your FI should at least TRY not to use it to you. And you say it isn''t a one-time thing, AND he doesn''t apologize for it either. I think that''s enough said! (I don''t mean to say he must be an all-around bad guy, but usually when they don''t show respect in one area, they generally don''t hold up in others... But that''s something that you know and I don''t, so please think about it if it''s apparent in his overall behavior towards you?)

If for some reason you still want to be with him, imagine this scenario:

You get married, and you''re generally happy, except for when he uses the c-word. You still don''t like it, but you''ve learned to deal with it. A few years down the road, your son gets trouble in school for saying a bad word. You get a phone call from the principal and go in to pick him up.

You: Principal SoAndSo, I can''t believe he''s in trouble again! What did he do this time?
P: He called Polly a four-letter word that I can''t even bring myself to say. It begins with a C and ends with a T. And I can tell you it ain''t coot!
Son: Mom, I called her a C**T. What''s wrong with that? She is one!
P and You in unison: Where''d you learn words like that? It''s completely unacceptable to use such language!
Son: (with the most innocent look on his face) But Dad calls you that all the time! Why can''t I use it?

(ahem, this would be the part where you DIE of embarrassment and jump out the window - I don''t want this to happen to you!!)

 

[Rhea]

I don''t mind the word. I do mind harsh name calling during fighting unless it''s teasing to cool down the arguement.

 

[Erin]

I think it''s a gross word, but that''s not the point. You don''t like it and he continues to do it. Either he doesn''t care how you feel or he''s getting off on pushing your buttons. Not cool either way.

How does he feel about you calling the wedding off?

 

[Elmorton]

In college, I performed the monologue by Eve Ensler entitled "Reclaiming C___," and so I got pretty used to saying it. Other cast members and I called each other "c___" as a term of endearment/practicing what we preached. But, that doesn''t mean I don''t find it jarring/upsetting when I hear a person use the term in anger.

In your situation, I think it depends on context. Language is dynamic depending on your relationship. If the f-bomb is normalspeak for you, then I can see why someone would choose a more "loaded" word, because a person wants to increase the intensity of the language to fit the intensity of the moment.

However, that doesn''t mean I think it''s OK. If my DH said that word in anger - about anything - it would be WW3 in my home. Regardless, in your relationship, first, you need to say something if it bothers you (and, P.S., it doesn''t matter what we think or what your friends think - if your partner says something that bothers you, you need to let him now). If your partner doesn''t listen/respect what you''re saying, then I think there''s your message loud and clear.

 

[whitby_2773]

i absolutely do NOT have a problem with the word - when it''s used strictly to describe female anatomy. i find it to be a proud, strong, highly sexual word which can be quite appropriate in the bedroom - especially if used in context by the female. on the other hand i HATE the slang word for female genitalia which refers to young cats. talk about de-powering women - *shudder* like - "let''s avoid referring to their genitalia with any accuracy cause - hey - we''re guys, and we''re terrified of the whole ''girlie bits'' thing anyway and if you make me say vagina i''ll probably turn into a big girl or something and if i have to deal with your MENSTRUAL CYCLE my testicles will fall off!"

however.....

when the C word is used as an aggressive insult, when a man tries to imply that ANY expression for female genitalia can be a term of disgust, when men revert to caveman female oppression-era tactics which imply a woman''s reproductive organs are unclean, disgusting, repulsive, or in ANY WAY unacceptable....

baby. i''m outta there. you can''t insult it and sleep with it at the same time. buddy - go get some freudian therapy and try to resolve how you feel about women.

mausketeer, i''m sorry if this seems harsh to you. but after a couple of decades of working as a developmental psychologist specializing in dispute resolution, i have my hot button issues. disrespect for what is innately female is one of them. my experience was that i saw this most in men with women issues. and i would never want to be married to a man with issues about women.

 

[zhuzhu]

Personally I would not allow someone who speaks in that manner near my children, let alone the possibility of becoming the father of my children. You should be firm about it and leave him out of your life for good.

 

[lulu]

Exactly what Whitby said. Not even once.Would not want to be with anyone who even thought that might be acceptable.

 

[mrscushion]

Would be a big deal for me, too.

Some couples fight big, explosive fights and it doesn''t hurt their relationship. But there''s a limit and to me the c-word is that limit.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Well, which is more important to you-- being with this particular man, or never having to hear that particular word?

Before anything else, you need to ask (and answer) this question for yourself.

If you find it annoying but can live with it if it's intermittent, there you go. If you truly can't stomach the disrespect of the word and it's an absolutely-positively-no-go word for you and NO PERSON is worth putting up with the indignity of that word, you need to come to terms for yourself with what that means for yourself and *any* relationship you may have in this life. Remember, some people fall into the first category and some people fall into the second; both are fine for them, but you need to answer for yourself what is fine for you and then ask yourself the hard questions about what that means.

Personally, I don't think I could handle being in a partnership with someone who is vulgar enough to resort to that word when angry, but that's just me. Disputes happen in all partnership relationships eventually, but not all people fight dirty. If I had no faith in my partner because I just knew he was that ugly in his heart that nothing would stop him from using that word when he was angry, I'd break it off now while I still could because I couldn't imagine any person being worth living an ugly life. If, however, I thought that this was somehow a bad habit that could be stopped if he understood both why I was drawing this line in the sand and that I actually would leave that day if I *ever* heard the word again but that I had faith in him that it was only a bad pattern rather than a deeper issue, I'd communicate and see where it goes. (But that's just me IF I actually had justified hope. If it turned out that I had guessed wrong and he used the C-word again, I also understand that means that I'd just held myself to the standard of packing a suitcase and leaving same day.)

Good luck with your decision. Remember, there is no universal right and wrong about dirty words, but only the standards that you have chosen for yourself and an acceptance of what those standards mean. And Mausketeer, I am sorry to hear both that you boyfriend has been using that word with you and that you've had to already go through the unpleasantness of canceling wedding plans; no matter what happens, it sounds like there has been a lot of interpersonal trauma in your life even before a certain someone started dropping the c-bomb and that in itself already sounds like it's been pretty darn hard.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Oh HELL no.

I'll take it one step further and say that I don't care if a guy is cloaking it by saying "you're BEING a (blank)" versus "you're a (blank)". To me, the 'being' thing is a cop-out - the end result is still the same. It's not that difficult for someone to exercise a little self-control- even in the heat of the moment- and instead say something like "you're being unreasonable" or something that doesn't involve using a curse/derogatory term to describe the other person. If things have escalated beyond that point, then he should at least have the sense to call a time-out so that he can cool down.

Then again, I'm extremely sensitive to this because my ex was a verbally abusive loser. So I've experienced enough name-calling (both blatant and subtle) for a lifetime.

That's not to say SO and I never fight. We surely do, but we also respect one another enough to refrain from using petty insults. He would never, ever call me that. Personally, I would not tolerate that kind of behaviour and would not be able to get past it. I mean seriously, that's not something you would say to a friend or a stranger so why would you put up with it from your partner?

I find the c-word to be absolutely vile; and you can bet that the strong reaction most people have to it is exactly WHY he's calling you that. He's doing it to intentionally push your buttons and disrespect you. If you must stay with him, I would absolutely insist that he attend couples counseling- and heck, probably individual counseling since he obviously needs to learn how to control what he says.

 

[mayachel]

PROBLEM

How dare he?!

It doesn''t matter if the word is coot or rose. What does matter is that you and he both have a very clear understanding of the intended disrespect that is meant when he hurdles it in your direction. You have expressed that it is a reprehensible word for you to be described as and he has 1)not offered an appology (admittance of wrong doing) or 2) CEASED TO USE IT!

It does not sound like accidental heat of the moment use. It sounds like words being thrown as daggers to try and cut you down.

If you were my best friend, I''d tell you to pack your bags.

My rule (after some awful men) has been...being on my own is pretty great. To join my life with someone else? Life would have to be even better.

 

[Bliss]

There is just no way anyone should use that word.

If a man uses that word towards a woman, especially a woman he claims to love, he has lost all respect for her. I don't care HOW angry you are, there are certain limits to what you can say and do. Crossing those lines again and again on purpose, knowing your partner finds it unacceptable is totally wrong.

Once the respect is gone, it is very very hard, if not impossible to get it back in a relationship.

I think you absolutely did the right thing, not because of the word, but because of the underlying reasons for his use for that word over and over again...despite your clear explanation of how much it hurts you. And it usually gets worse, not better. I am SO sorry... You absolutely did the right thing in my book. How can you take vows to honor and cherish -- when he's calling you the c-word??!

 

[bee*]

I definitely think that name calling is not right in an argument, especially that word. I HATE that word!

 

[ravengirl]

Date: 5/11/2009 5:12:11 PM
Author: absolut_blonde
Oh HELL no.


I''ll take it one step further and say that I don''t care if a guy is cloaking it by saying ''you''re BEING a (blank)'' versus ''you''re a (blank)''. To me, the ''being'' thing is a cop-out - the end result is still the same. It''s not that difficult for someone to exercise a little self-control- even in the heat of the moment- and instead say something like ''you''re being unreasonable'' or something that doesn''t involve using a curse/derogatory term to describe the other person. If things have escalated beyond that point, then he should at least have the sense to call a time-out so that he can cool down.

Funnily enough...in the last argument I had with my SO he said "You are being totally unreasonable" and THAT made me mad. I thought it was dismissive of my viewpoint, and a little disrespectful. He later apologized for trying to undermine my opinion.

This thread puts that in perspective...

 

[poshpepper]

I hate that word!

But that is neither here nor there... the fact that you have made it clear to him that it is out of line and that you do not like it and he has continued to use the word (directed towards you no less!) should send a clear signal... he does not respect you.

I am not going to tell you what to do, but I would not accept that at all... deal-breaker for me for sure!

 

[mausketeer]

Thanks so much everyone. I was hoping some of you would chime in (hi Whidby! Loved your answer! Thank you!)

Yes, the first time he just flat out called me a "C___!" in the heat of the argument, then when I said "um, hey, I REALLY don''t like that, do NOTcall me that again, okay!!?" he got smart and after that he has been saying things like "you''re ACTING like a C___" (notice how TECHNICALLY he''s SORT of NOT calling me one? Yes, it''s like living with a 12 year old.......)

The really issue here is: he KNOWS I don''t like it. I''ve been about as clear as a D IF diamond - LOL - and yet he continues to do it. WHY? Because he knows it bothers me. THAT is what bothers me the most. Yes, I''ll admit, I''ve called him an a-hole a few times. Not in recent memory and certainly I didn''t do it before he called me the C word. And when I HAVE called him an a-hole, I don''t recall him EVER saying to me, "Hey - do NOT call me that!" but you better believe that if he DID, I would NEVER do it again. EVER. And I would apologize for it (that''s the other thing here - he WON''T apologize. Either during the argument or afterwards. I honestly believe this man would rather poke his eyes out with needles than apologize to me for anything you guys seriously..... NOT good)

Oh BTW - we ARE in counselling now (I think this was my reaction to the LAST time he said it "WE ARE GOING TO A THERAPIST!!!!") It''s not really been very encouraging so far I must say. The therapist is great but it''s focussed more on "communication" rather than getting to the heart of what our issues are so..... I''m not very optimistic at this point. I think there is too much water under the bridge, too many issues. Too much resentment (obviously!) I just don''t see how we can rebuild our house on such a shaky foundation, you know?

 

[fleur-de-lis]

So which is more important to you-- being with this particular man, or never having to hear that particular word? Is this annoying or a dealbreaker?

It's good to hear that you're getting some outside help trying to navigate these difficult waters. Therapy doesn't fix all relationships, but it can be pretty good at helping the process move along with greater speed by forcing people to confront issues that on their own they might work hard to ignore.

 

[HollyS]

It is NEVER okay to call each other by nasty, scummy, dirty, sexually offensive or otherwise hurtful names. EVER.

I would have kicked him to the curb the first time it happened. It shows a complete lack of respect; not to mention love.

He doesn''t love you. Thank your lucky stars you didn''t marry him. This guy isn''t even your friend.

 

[ravengirl]

Date: 5/11/2009 5:31:47 PM
Author: mausketeer

I honestly believe this man would rather poke his eyes out with needles than apologize to me for anything you guys seriously..... NOT good)

Oh, mausketeer...this is an even bigger red flag for me. I think it''s really important that you be able to apologize to each other. I thought before he just wouldn''t apologize for this, but he NEVER apologizes??

That would be enough for me to get out.

 

[sparklyheart]

Where does it stop?

You told him that you didn''t like the word but he kept using it with no real repurcusions. What happens if you get in another fight and he starts *really* yelling, or worse? Nothing really happened when he called you a C (you got mad, went to therapy.. but he still has you), so he may think he has some wiggle room when it comes to fighting. He''s showing a lot of disrespect, as everyone else has said. Hopefully learning to communicate more in therapy can help you guys get to the root of your issues.. If that''s even what you guys want. Otherwise, go find a guy who respects you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated!

Good luck and stick up for yourself first and foremost.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/11/2009 4:07:42 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Forget the whole marry or not thing, I can''t believe you still share sheets with a guy that called you that

Girl, get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Oh, absolutely. The fact that he had the opportunity to do this more than once is completely ridiculous.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Wow, this is a horrible situation you''re in.

Personally, in both instances, the heated arguing that you''re referring to would not be tolerated by me. My husband and I argue at times, but personal attacks are absolutely not tolerated on either side, and God help us the first time someone tries to go there!

You''re in counseling, but you don''t sound optimistic about it at all. I get the impression that he''s just pushing your buttons to control an expected reaction out of you. Doesn''t sound like love/respect to me.

Hopefully counseling will help uncover the root of your problems, and help you decide where to go from here.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/11/2009 5:31:47 PM
Author: mausketeer
Thanks so much everyone. I was hoping some of you would chime in (hi Whidby! Loved your answer! Thank you!)

Yes, the first time he just flat out called me a ''C___!'' in the heat of the argument, then when I said ''um, hey, I REALLY don''t like that, do NOTcall me that again, okay!!?'' he got smart and after that he has been saying things like ''you''re ACTING like a C___'' (notice how TECHNICALLY he''s SORT of NOT calling me one? Yes, it''s like living with a 12 year old.......)

The really issue here is: he KNOWS I don''t like it. I''ve been about as clear as a D IF diamond - LOL - and yet he continues to do it. WHY? Because he knows it bothers me. THAT is what bothers me the most. Yes, I''ll admit, I''ve called him an a-hole a few times. Not in recent memory and certainly I didn''t do it before he called me the C word. And when I HAVE called him an a-hole, I don''t recall him EVER saying to me, ''Hey - do NOT call me that!'' but you better believe that if he DID, I would NEVER do it again. EVER. And I would apologize for it (that''s the other thing here - he WON''T apologize. Either during the argument or afterwards. I honestly believe this man would rather poke his eyes out with needles than apologize to me for anything you guys seriously..... NOT good)

Oh BTW - we ARE in counselling now (I think this was my reaction to the LAST time he said it ''WE ARE GOING TO A THERAPIST!!!!'') It''s not really been very encouraging so far I must say. The therapist is great but it''s focussed more on ''communication'' rather than getting to the heart of what our issues are so..... I''m not very optimistic at this point. I think there is too much water under the bridge, too many issues. Too much resentment (obviously!) I just don''t see how we can rebuild our house on such a shaky foundation, you know?

Ok, I take back what I said, when you tell him you find it offensive and then he REPEATS himself w/clarification it just makes him a turd.

I wish you could train a cat/dog to tinkle in his shoes.

 

[purrfectpear]

I just don''t accept that it''s a "swear"word like the f bomb or others, it''s wayyy more loaded and the BF knows it.

Calling a woman a c^*t is like calling a black person the N word. Sure, another woman can call her friend that word just like a black person might use the N term to a friend. But whites should NEVER use the N word(friends or not), and men should never use the C word. I believe that men KNOW that. You might use the B word or you might call someone an a$$hole in anger.

You know there are just some lines you don''t cross. Like what woman would ever think it was OK to call their SO a pencil d*ck in anger? We all KNOW men are super sensitive and that''s just a place you don''t go no matter how angry you are.

 

[princesss]

Wait a minute. You told him it upset you, so he uses it again BECAUSE it upsets you? Girl, get rid of him. I don''t give a hoot about your "communication" issues. This is about respect, and how he doesn''t show you any. Hand him one of these and move on.