PS Mommy thread with toddlers 12-36 months

[TravelingGal]

Time outs...here's what I did.

Age: started at 20 months.

Reasons: We started out using time outs for two very obvious infractions. Throwing and hitting (more throwing than hitting, since I don't tolerate hitting at all and it's rare. Throwing though...she did like throwing a few things, and they weren't balls, which is the only thing she was allowed to throw in the house).

We wanted to teach her there was an immediate consequence to tangible actions.

As soon as she threw, I would get her attention and say, Amelia, no throwing. Amelia goes to time out now. I placed her in time out and walked out of sight.

I think I started with a minute or so. I would walk back and tell her to calm down. This part might be harder for some kids who may not even remotely calm down until they are out. But try to get him to start calming down, otherwise they'll start to think that screaming gets them out (not that it curbs crying that much in time out, but still. What it does help in the future is that when they see you come back, they'll calm down MUCH faster because they know the end is near, and then you can discuss why they're in time out much more easily.)

While in time out, I ask Amelia "You know why you are in time out?" In the beginning, I don't think I asked that much since time out was a new concept. I think I pretty much said, "Amelia is in time out because Amelia throw. Amelia throw, Amelia time out, OK? No throwing, right Amelia?" As she got older, she told me why she was in time out and apologized.

I take her out, hug her and repeat one more time, "No throwing. Now mommy loves you very much." Hug, kiss, move on.

After a few months, she understood the concept of time out, so I started using the wall because I wanted to have a time out as a option ANYWHERE I went. She has to put both hands up on the wall and look at the wall and not around the room for me. It didn't take long to teach her this at all. At first, I think I had to lead her back to the wall once or twice, but since she understands mommy means what mommy says, she stayed. Boy, she hates the wall. Seeing her at the wall with both hands up is actually more heart wrenching to me than the cage.

We now will use time outs if her attitude becomes unacceptable about something. But before time outs, I use choices a lot which works great. If it's something where I just want her to listen asap (like come over here and let me get pants on you NOW), then I use the count to three method because obviously it is not a choice for her to wear pants to school. Hitting three means a time out.

 

[Dreamer_D]

He is 21 months.

I am not sure about a caged area. I would need to buy some apparatus and there is not an obvious place to put it. Also, he would go ballistic and so anything less that a solid structure would likely not hold him.

For us, so far, taking the object he throws away after one warning seems to work, but he really is not such a trouble maker generally. Like you, we really only have two rules, throing non-balls and hitting. When he throws we say "Only balls! If you throw it again you cannot play with it!" and if he throws again, the toy is gone. With hitting, he does not do it very often and we will just say, "No hitting mummy, gently touches" and he will gently stroke our face. Anyways, I feel like what we do there is pretty successful so far.

Recently though I wondered if time out would be a good thing in another circumstance. We were at home because he was sick and I wanted to go up to our room to fold clothing and put away laundry, and he started freaking when I closed the door. He followed me around crying "mummymummymummy" for me to pick him up kept pointing to the door and he would hang off my legs crying during this process and it was a little ridiculous. He has not done is too often, but the recent time I thought a time out area would be nice. I basically just closed him in the room where I was and went about my business and told him we were not leaving and let him scream and writhe around until he was calm and starting to relax, then we sat together for a while and talked and when he was calm, he played around while I put clothing away. I counted it as a win because he did not get what he wanted, but wondered if a more structured thing would have been better. I think in that meltdown type of situation even a cage would not have helped much and would not have tought the lesson any better...

 

[TravelingGal]

He is 21 months.

I am not sure about a caged area. I would need to buy some apparatus and there is not an obvious place to put it. Also, he would go ballistic and so anything less that a solid structure would likely not hold him.

For us, so far, taking the object he throws away after one warning seems to work, but he really is not such a trouble maker generally. Like you, we really only have two rules, throing non-balls and hitting. When he throws we say "Only balls! If you throw it again you cannot play with it!" and if he throws again, the toy is gone. With hitting, he does not do it very often and we will just say, "No hitting mummy, gently touches" and he will gently stroke our face. Anyways, I feel like what we do there is pretty successful so far.

Recently though I wondered if time out would be a good thing in another circumstance. We were at home because he was sick and I wanted to go up to our room to fold clothing and put away laundry, and he started freaking when I closed the door. He followed me around crying "mummymummymummy" for me to pick him up kept pointing to the door and he would hang off my legs crying during this process and it was a little ridiculous. He has not done is too often, but the recent time I thought a time out area would be nice. I basically just closed him in the room where I was and went about my business and told him we were not leaving and let him scream and writhe around until he was calm and starting to relax, then we sat together for a while and talked and when he was calm, he played around while I put clothing away. I counted it as a win because he did not get what he wanted, but wondered if a more structured thing would have been better. I think in that meltdown type of situation even a cage would not have helped much and would not have tought the lesson any better...

I didn't do time out for meltdowns. I just walked away and told Amelia to come talk to me when she was done.

As for time outs, Amelia's not much of a troublemaker either. But I wanted to teach it to her for a couple of reasons: To keep her from being a troublemaker in the future (i.e., she understands there is a consequence and it's something she doesn't like). I think it's easier to teach the concept of time out when they're young. OK, maybe not EASIER, but depending on the kid, not as much effort). Second reason was that they use it in preschool and I wanted her to understand what it meant.

I think you're great at setting boundaries, so that's over half the battle. Time out is just a handy thing to know, for both kids, but not necessary if you think you can manage it other ways.

 

[TravelingGal]

Oh, btw, we don't use time outs much often anymore, which is nice. I'm moving to more reality based parenting. She was in timeout I think this last week for pushing me on the count to three thing (experimenting with how long she could last before getting "in" under the count). The last person in time before that out was actually me....after Amelia saw me throw something and asked "Did you throw that?" I said no, started to make an excused but then copped up to it. She asked me if I was going to go to time out, so I did...stood there like an idiot against the wall with my hands up. She released me after a couple of minutes, coming up to hug me and saying "No throwing OK mommy? I love you."

 

[Dreamer_D]

Too funny! I am looking forward to Hunter talking and having those type of interactions.

At Hunter's daycare they do not seem to use Time Outs. I think I will ask them what they do.

 

[TravelingGal]

I knew that Amelia's did when I went and signed her up ages ago...so that's part of why I did it. Yeah, see what they do...may not be something you need to introduce at all. I have a nanny and my mom helps, so it's nice to have a "uniform" method of consequence that we can all easily implement and have her understand.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am in a filio therapy group (type of play therapy) and how limitations are set through during a play session is you acknowledge the feeling, set the limit, and then give them choices.

Ex. Tessa started stabbing me with a play/toy knife during a session.

"Tessa, I know you think it is funny to stab mommy, but it is not okay to stab people. You can stab the doll and pretend it is mommy or stab the carpet."

Another example could be your child drawing on the wall.

"Tessa, I know you are having fun drawing on the walls but walls are not for drawing. You can draw on this piece of paper or we could tape the paper on the wall and you can draw on that."

The whole idea is to empower the child by giving them choices. Little choices for little kids and big choices for big kids.

Not sure if that helps anyone.

 

[Dreamer_D]

It does help Tacori, I think Hunter is *almost* ready for that type of conversation.

And I got a chuckle out of "You can stab the doll and pretend its mommy or stab the carpet" hahaa... too hilarious.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It does help Tacori, I think Hunter is *almost* ready for that type of conversation.

And I got a chuckle out of "You can stab the doll and pretend its mommy or stab the carpet" hahaa... too hilarious.

The funny thing is when we were taught limit setting (which is done sparingly in a play session) I was think I wouldn't need it. Not my precious princess. But when I did the session she was tired and moody which translated into aggression. She wasn't trying to hurt me but I think she was frustrated and didn't know how to process her feelings. She happily stabbed the baby doll after I set the limit. I was relieved b/c on the tape you can see how uncomfortable I was!

A proper play session has a variety of aggressive toys (plastic knife, snakes, guns, toy soldiers) so the child can get those feelings out in a safe environment. There are also creative (drawing, play dough, etc), pretend play (boa, play money, blocks, etc), and nurturing toys (baby doll, bottle, little animals, etc) so the child has lots of choice! These are "special" toys so they don't belong to the child and are only used in the session. The child is in charge and the therapist is only there to reflect feelings and actions.

I have also learned to actually USE the word CHOICE. You can *choose* to be a good girl and watch a movie this afternoon or you can *choose* to disobey and not watch any TV. You can *choose* to eat your peas and have a treat after dinner or you can *choose* not to eat your peas and not to have a treat. This empowers the child and it makes it their choice rather than punishment. It fosters responsibility but Hunter is a wee bit young for this theory.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Are you doing this as part of school or for your own personal learning? Either way, what a great opportunity.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Are you doing this as part of school or for your own personal learning? Either way, what a great opportunity.

I am not going to have time to take any play therapy courses because I am also getting a substance abuse certificate AND want to take 3 extra electives (ex. crisis counseling, grief & loss, and a fourth substance abuse class) to help prepare me. Some of my classmates think I am crazy but I know I will feel better trained and more confident with my clients. A filio student (he is getting the play therapy certificate) needed participants for his class. There are two other moms (also counseling students) and he teaches us different techniques and then he critiques our weekly taped sessions. I am not getting credit but figured it was a good opportunity to learn a little play therapy (even though I will not be working with children) since I will not take a course on it. I feel like it is helping me be a better mother so it is worth the extra work. It is VERY interesting.

 

[Blenheim]

We have some exciting news over here. I am pregnant! It's very early - 3 weeks 4 days - and so we're keeping it quiet for a while, but I did want to share with my mommy friends. DH and I are both very happy, but a little bit scared of going through it all again while raising a toddler this time.

And thanks for all of the time-out information. At 19 months, George is approaching the age at which they will be appropriate, and I'd love to have another tool in our arsenal. He was hitting and biting and kicking entirely too much this afternoon for my liking.

Tacori, that does sound really interesting.

Dreamer, awesome photo! That is hilarious.

Fiery, Sophia makes such a cute ladybug! I'm impressed that Sophia's saying please. I guess I'll need to work on that more with George.

 

[KimberlyH]

*Congratulations, Blen!! So happy for you, your husband and George!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Blen, congrats lady! Wishing you a healthy and happy 9 months. You'll do great.

 

[Blenheim]

Thanks, Kimberly and Tacori!

 

[mela lu]

AYE YA YAY!
Congrats to Puffy (yey for girl on #3) I hope I get that lucky too!

Congrats Dreamer

Congrats Blen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toddlers and Newborns will be that much better with this boat load of GREAT company!

************

Tonight I cannot fall asleep. Grrr. Because I'm so tired. I'm almost 28 weeks, feeling heavier and need my sleep.
Romeo is having major tantrums lately and also hitting. I don't know which is worse. I'm going to try the time-out for hitting (and throwing) since I *think* he can handle that. I just wish he had more words to use. I feel like he is frustrated often and hitting seems like the fastest/best solution (to him).

The tantrums are just plain POOP! If he doesn't get his way, he launches himself backwards (smashes his head every time!! ) and then lies there screaming and crying while I ignore him. Eventually he gets bored and comes around. I'm just worried he's going to split his head open one day. I'm not proud that he's smashed it THIS many times and hasn't figured out that it's not a good solution. Oh dear.

I'm totally MIA on here normally, as I go to bed early and my days are so busy trying to keep Romeo-the-barely-there-napper occupied. We're still averaging only one 1 hr nap per day. So tiring for me.

I'm looking into getting a Nanny (part time) in the New Year, since the daycare we want is STILL full. I've been on the list for half a year too. Everyone told me to get on it sooner, but I didn't believe. My bad.

I'm going to go back a few pages now and get more caught up.....

 

[lili]

Congrats to DD again.
LOL....love that "cage" photo of Hunter.
Priceless.

And congrats Blenheim!
Late July or early August?
There are quite number of us w/ summer babies.

Tacori--
I had to laugh at the alternative options you gave Tessa for the stabbing -- stab the doll.
Voodoo comes to mind ^.^

Fiery--
Kept meaning to say that Sophie of yours in the ladybug costume is the cutest.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Lili, that is actually what the instructor told us to do if we felt comfortable so I went with it. The theory is she might have aggression she needs to take out on me so better she does it in a safe setting than in real life.

 

[ChinaCat]

Blen!!!! CONGRATS!

TGal- That is seriously funny that you had to put yourself in time out.

Tacori- Interesting stuff! Is school going well? Sounds like a lot of work, but very interesting.

Hi Mela. That's all, just hi. Hope you can get a nanny, stat.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

China, it is. I have three papers to write for the last three weeks is what I SHOULD be doing instead to posting on PS...Oh well. Motivation is low at the end of the semester. I cannot believe I am almost done with my third semester! Time is flying by. I start seeing clients in the fall which is exciting but scary. I am really enjoying school though. Thanks for asking.

 

[ChinaCat]

Wait, THIRD semester???? Are you on some crazy accelerated schedule? Thought you just started in the summer?

And sometimes procrastination is good. Lets the brain juices marinate.

I think you will be an excellent therapist.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Wait, THIRD semester???? Are you on some crazy accelerated schedule? Thought you just started in the summer?

And sometimes procrastination is good. Lets the brain juices marinate.

I think you will be an excellent therapist.

Thanks China. You are sweet. The summer has two, 5 week long semesters. Fall and Spring are 17ish weeks (I think). I started in May. Procrastination CAN be good! I wrote about half of my research paper and the other two are reflection/opinion papers which are WAY easier. I also have to summit a final copy of another paper, have a presentation, AND a final exam. Then I am done for a month.

 

[Blenheim]

Thank you, ladies!!!

Lili - my EDD is 8/2/11, so it could go either way.

Puffy - meant to say, CONGRATS on a girl! That is just so exciting.

 

[fieryred33143]

Congrats again Blen

I see a familiar trend forming. CHINA, EB, SABINE...DO NOT DRINK THE WATER! Or drink it. Whatevs

Nothing new over here. Sophia has been so cuddly lately. Yesterday she watched 5 minutes of TV with me with her head on my lap. So this is how TV brings families closer!

Any T-day plans? We're headed to FI's parents house with my mom and brothers. Two grandmothers under one roof fighting for the grandchild's attention. It should be interesting. My mom keeps hinting that she could make a turkey at my place. I think she's not looking forward to spending the evening with MIL. It's a shame that things are like this now but she brought it on herself. I was going to invite them to my mom's for Christmas but I think my mom and brothers would prefer if they didn't go. I'm keeping optimistic that Thursday will go well.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Nothing new over here. Sophia has been so cuddly lately. Yesterday she watched 5 minutes of TV with me with her head on my lap. So this is how TV brings families closer!

haha... that is also the only real time that Hunter hugs me and snuggles... reading books, when he is sick, or when I let him wath 5 min of TV.

 

[robbie3982]

Just popping in to say congrats to Blen!!!

 

[puffy]

blen, congrats!!!

dd, OMG, that pic had me cracking up!

 

[Sha]

Congrats on #2, Blen!!

Tacori - thanks for that info! It's very interesting!

Dreamer - I see that you mentioned Hunter getting sick a lot recently. D's being going through the same thing since she started a new, larger daycare. She's been there for 4 weeks and has been sick at least 3 of those weeks with cold, fever, and ringworm. The daycare has no official sick policy (I think because a lot of parents don't have 'anyone' to leave their children with?) so the children just pass the germs back and forth to each other, which is lovely. It's really frustrating having a constantly sick child, and then getting sick yourself - I feel your pain!

 

[TravelingGal]

Congrats on #2, Blen!!

Tacori - thanks for that info! It's very interesting!

Dreamer - I see that you mentioned Hunter getting sick a lot recently. D's being going through the same thing since she started a new, larger daycare. She's been there for 4 weeks and has been sick at least 3 of those weeks with cold, fever, and ringworm. The daycare has no official sick policy (I think because a lot of parents don't have 'anyone' to leave their children with?) so the children just pass the germs back and forth to each other, which is lovely. It's really frustrating having a constantly sick child, and then getting sick yourself - I feel your pain!

Sha it will (I hope) get better. Amelia was sick 7 out of 8 weeks (the one week she wasn't sick, she bonked her head at school and got a nasty bump). Now she seems to have much better immunity and minus the random runny nose, is fine.

 

[Sha]

Thanks for that, Tgal! I did wonder when she would be over the 'hump'. I guess all of these colds are strengthening her immunity for the preschool years. Glad to hear it's normal!