Oh Girls :-(

[Bia]

Date: 4/1/2009 11:38:33 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/1/2009 11:35:50 PM

Author: Bia

Date: 4/1/2009 11:21:31 PM


Author: LtlFirecracker


Cant agree more.

I have a friend who left her BF of 4 years a year after they graduated college. She was hoping for a proposal by their forth anniversary and when she didn't get it, she broke up with him. She told me she had already moved to another city for him (he was in med school), and she was ready to start her life and was not going to wait forever. A few months later, they started working things out. It has been 6+ years since than, they are now married with 3 beautiful little girls. Sometimes you have to take a risk and stand up for what you want. If he didn't come back, than the 2 of them wanted different things and it was best she leave. It was a risk that had a good outcome no matter what.

Great happy ending LtlFirecracker

I agree that it is a happy ending, but the real story here is that she took care of herself and her needs and didn't let her man walk all over her and ignore her needs or wishes. You don't do that to coax someone to change their mind, you do it to respect yourself, and whatever happens after, you need to be willing to accept.

No doubt. I think most of us have agreed that walking out to see if he'll change his mind is not the right move.

I hope CF has the courage to find what she seeks because she deserves every bit of happiness.

 

[trillionaire]

FWIW,

I talked to my SO (since we rarely get male voices over here) and explained the situation. He said thinks that your BF must have commitment issues, because 8 yrs + house and no ring don''t add up. I hope you find the courage to do whatever it is that you need to do.

 

[supergirl10]

Hi Choc Fudge

I know that everyone has come here and given their opinions, i remember feeling a lot like you do at the moment about this time last year so I thought i would share my story. I truly hope it helps you!

My SO and I had been together for 2.5 years LDR until he moved up to be with me while i finished uni. We went straight from LD to living together which was tough and brought on a lot of ajustments and a few arguments as well. We had been living together for almost 1.5 years and it was comming up to our 4 year aniversary. I had been hinting about engagement for sometime. For some people that might be too soon but i had always felt that after a certain period of time, if there wasn''t commitment then it wasn''t the right relationship for me. Some people thought i was a little tough on him, others not tough enough, after all he had moved up to be with me and had been talking engagement since three months into the relationship ie four years and not unlike the five that you have been waiting. But i was adament, I wanted to marry him after i graduated and it was getting to the point in the relationship where i need to know if he felt the same.

For me personally (and ONLY me) four years was my limit, i didnt'' want to be married that second but i did want to be married within about three years and i need to know if he felt the same. Like i mentioned i had been hinting for some time and nothing had happend. We had discussed it seveal times and he was saying the same things as your SO and not giving me a answer either way or saying that he didnt'' want to be married etc. So about 1 month before our four year anniversary i sat him down and told him that we needed to talk.

I told him i was serious about him, that i loved him and wanted to marry him and did he feel the same way. I asked him to take one month to seriously think about what he wanted out of this relationship and that that unfortunetly i would settle for no less than a promise of marrige (within three years) that HE had originally promised.

I told him we would talk in a month when he had had time to think about it and that I wanted to be engaged by the time our fifth aniversary came around (roughly) and married in 2011 (it was early 08 when we had this convo). I told him i (again ONLY me personally) thought that four years was long enough to know if you wanted to marry someone and that HE needed to make a decison because he had all the benefits of a wife without the commitment. I told him i didn''t want enagement immediately but by the following year. He was not committing immediately to an engagment and marrige but within a rough timeline. I also told him that if he was not prepared to offer me some form of commitment or timeline that I would end the relationship and to not take this as a threat but the reality. He told me he was not ready for marrige at the moment. I assured him we would not be married this second but reiterated that i need that within three years.

He was completely dumbfounded by the whole converstaion because normally i am not assertive or forward at all.
So the month/annivesary roled around. I was very nervous and fully prepared to end the relationship if he didn''t want to commit to the timeline that I had proposed.

In the end he told me that he loved me and that he wanted to marry me, he wasn''t quite ready for marrige yet but he knew what this mean and if this is what he need to do to keep me, he would do it.He was sorry he had made me wait this long. He told me that he too wanted to get engagaed and commited to an engagement within the year and a marrige within the three years.

So in the misdst of all the above and how i was really struggling ... my younger sister got engaged to her bf of 5 months. I fainted after she told me ... i kid you not. I was hysterical i had been with the man whom i love and wanted to marry for 4 years and he still hadn''t committed even though he had promised that he would just a few months earlier. (Now i give the man some credit it had only been two months since the above discussion.)

I threw the mother of all fits (it was something tlh would be proud of)i was completely hysterical!
I spoke terribly to him and to this day i regret my behaviour my rant went something like you have been with me for 4 year and you "can''t decide if you love me enough to marry me" my sister has been with him for 5 months and he loves her that much that he CANNOT wait to marry her! HOw do you think this makes me feel obviously he loves her far more than you could ever love me. What did i do wrong that you don''t love me like that ..." Yep and it cut him like a knife, which WAS not my intention at all at the time i was just upset and need to vent. He kept on saying he was within weeks of proposing and i accusing him of lying just to get himself out of trouble.

But it did achieve one thing (as i found out later) he realise the impact all this waiting and wondering was having on me and most suprising thing was, it was the thing that made him realise how much it meant to me and how deeply it was effecting me and that was the time he decided (even though he had promised earlier) that he would def propose soon and marry me!

He proposed three three weeks later and he was acutally planning it!

Sweetie i hope you got through all this and it helped you in some tiny way. I gave this advice to a friend about her SO of 5 years and she took it, he would not commit and so she left him and she thanked me for it later. Im not suggesting you leave btw!

 

[LaraOnline]

OOOh God, now I am starting to think like CF!
I keep hoping she's going to be back online with 'an announcement'!!

Actually, she reminds me of me. Before I left the loser and found the real thing.

In a woman's world, such behaviour (as exhibited by SO) would be a jailable offense.

I hope he proves us all wrong. Real soon.

 

[swimmer]

Date: 4/2/2009 2:57:40 AM
Author: LaraOnline
OOOh God, now I am starting to think like CF!

I keep hoping she''s going to be back online with ''an announcement''!!

Actually, she reminds me of me. Before I left the loser and found the real thing.

In a woman''s world, such behaviour (as exhibited by SO) would be a jailable offense.


I hope he proves us all wrong. Real soon.

Lara, I have some real estate to sell you.

I felt so badly for CF''s original post, but seeing it all there together... Well, I am impressed with the hope springing eternal mentality. I''d have whacked him over the head with a frying pan years ago for being a manipulative weasel. Ah, but love makes us all do nutty things. So so so sorry CF, you are in a rough spot now. Just remember that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Just think, does he lie to you normally? Or just about committing to one another forever?

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 4/1/2009 7:13:10 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/1/2009 4:43:14 PM
Author: choro72
HappyDreams, what Freke did was a much needed wake up call for CF, and update for people who comment on her situation without knowing the background. Not mean at all.

Ditto, of course.

I tend to stay out of LIW because there is inevitably too much history for me to catch up on or keep up with. I don''t feel it''s my right to comment on someone''s situation without having read up on the backstory (AHEM), so I abstain.

Freke did CF and those attempting to give her advice a great service by providing the much-needed backstory that''s necessary for said advice-giving. Maybe we can keep this in mind for the future, so that perhaps people won''t be so quick-to-advise based on one thread alone (if there are others to better inform).

Point taken.

However, I don''t think anyone has to have a "right to comment." Posters ask for opinions and I think it would be doing a disservice to them to say that people shouldn''t provide those opinions unless they have time to read up on years of back story. Not everyone has Freke to summarize their years of relationship history. And if there are back posts that are particularly relevant, perhaps the OP could link them to the current post.

Personally, I like to see lots of different opinions when I start a thread. And anyway, if an opinion isn''t relevant, just ignore it and move on. No reason to tell people to stay out of LIW.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/2/2009 9:45:36 AM
Author: lucyandroger
And if there are back posts that are particularly relevant, perhaps the OP could link them to the current post.

And anyway, if an opinion isn''t relevant, just ignore it and move on.

I spend far too much time on these boards!!

Agreed. All information deemed pertinent to the thread should be contained within the thread. No-one''s got time or should be expected to investigate history to respond.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I hope we didn''t scare CF away.... CF, come back and update us please!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/2/2009 10:35:29 AM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 4/2/2009 9:45:36 AM
Author: lucyandroger
And if there are back posts that are particularly relevant, perhaps the OP could link them to the current post.

And anyway, if an opinion isn't relevant, just ignore it and move on.

I spend far too much time on these boards!!

Agreed. All information deemed pertinent to the thread should be contained within the thread. No-one's got time or should be expected to investigate history to respond.

I have to agree with not being expected to go back and look at the history. However, I'm glad Freke did because in this case it was needed.

I think that CF is very much in love with her boyfriend and wants very badly to believe that things are headed in the right direction. That is evident by some of the posts Freke posted where CF would take one piece of a conversation with her boyfriend and turn it into believing an engagement was around the corner. I think she also looks to other posters to agree. She wants to hang on to that hope. I remember CF but I don't remember her history. When I gave my opinion based on this post alone, I honestly thought that maybe she had an expectation of the ring that he could not meet and if maybe she lowered those expectations, he would propose sooner. Knowing CF's history now, those words that I shared with her (that were sincere at the time) is giving her false hope. It wasn't intentional on my behalf, I just didn't realize the history and now I formed the opinion based on her past posts that this man just isn't interested in marriage or marrying her. Telling her to let him get you a cheaper ring and he'll propose that way was *not* good advice given her situation.

 

[LaraOnline]

Yeah, totally agree that more background makes for a more helpful response!
I also found Freke''s cut and paste job very helpful for getting the full picture of this individual sitch...
CF sounds so very nice!

I hope she''s coping okay !!

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 4/2/2009 11:18:04 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Yeah, totally agree that more background makes for a more helpful response!
I also found Freke''s cut and paste job very helpful for getting the full picture of this individual sitch...
CF sounds so very nice!

I hope she''s coping okay !!

Yep, totally agree. Freke''s post was super helpful in understanding more of the story.

I just don''t think newbies should be told to stay away from posting in LIW if they don''t know the whole back story (or have time to read it all). It''s always helpful to have a fresh look at something and besides, even if you''ve read EVERY single post from a person, there is still a TON of history that you couldn''t possibly know about. So, it''s not like the regulars are posting with full knowledge of CF''s relationship with her SO.

CF, come back! We want to know how you''re doing! I may not have followed your whole story until now but I do hope you''re doing well....

 

[monarch64]

Date: 3/31/2009 10:40:18 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 3/31/2009 4:27:43 AM
Author:chocolatefudge
He made some comment about struggling to afford anything now we had the house, nevermind a ring. And then he made some comment about never affording a wedding. This is something I have worried about myself as each of us put half of monthly wage into the mortgage and bills and then we each have a car we are paying for plus insurance.

He said, ''I could have afforded it before but now now.''

So I was like, ''Well why didn''t you ask me then???''

AIGH!!! Thread like this make me so frustrated! Why can''t people see around corners! How could you two not have known that buying a house together would make all the other things SO much more difficult??? I really wish you''d NOT bought a house together before the final commitment was settled. But that''s all water under the bridge. Perhaps this thread will help others see what is very likely to happen in these cases.

My one friend who bought a house with a guy she''d been with for seven years, married a different guy six months after she broke up with guy #1 -- after ANOTHER broken promise, missed deadline etc. They were still separating property & $$$ YEARS later. GAH!

Wake up!!! Stop living in fairy land!!! He is not ''surprising you'' -- he''s BROKE. Also, a LIAR who has now admitted to telling you what you want to hear ABOUT SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS MARRIAGE just to shut you up. The sooner you get a CLEAR grasp on your REALITY ... the quicker you''ll know your next steps.

Deco, I totally agree. (CF, sorry, I haven''t been following your story, but Deco is right--let this be a lesson to others!) I have a male friend who is currently "stuck" in a relationship with a woman he doesn''t want to marry but can''t leave because they bought a house together and frankly neither of them can afford to stay in the house on their own.

She has no idea he isn''t in the relationship for the long run, he''s just waiting for the right time to bail. It''s a very sad situation.

 

[janinegirly]

Agree! Do not play married couple until you have a ring on your finger--that ring holds significance. It''s not just for sparklies..it shows commitment on the guy''s part towards a legal commitment to you, not just words. Nevertheless, she has made the mistake and it is not impossible to get out of. There''s no reason why the bf can''t get a roommate to cover the mortgage. CF can also find him a roommate to cover her portion of the mortgage, b/c knowing this bf, he''ll drag his feet.

Or CF can move home and cover her half until they are able to sell. She is in the UK, housing market might be better there. NEVER feel trapped in your circumstances. It''s a lot messier, but your priority is YOU and YOUR future, not him.

I hope CF comes back and let''s us know her thoughts. I know it is sooooo much easier to tell others what''s right / wrong when you''re not in it. God knows I made plenty of mistakes when it came to relationship "rules". Still do probably.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/2/2009 9:45:36 AM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 4/1/2009 7:13:10 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/1/2009 4:43:14 PM
Author: choro72
HappyDreams, what Freke did was a much needed wake up call for CF, and update for people who comment on her situation without knowing the background. Not mean at all.

Ditto, of course.

I tend to stay out of LIW because there is inevitably too much history for me to catch up on or keep up with. I don't feel it's my right to comment on someone's situation without having read up on the backstory (AHEM), so I abstain.

Freke did CF and those attempting to give her advice a great service by providing the much-needed backstory that's necessary for said advice-giving. Maybe we can keep this in mind for the future, so that perhaps people won't be so quick-to-advise based on one thread alone (if there are others to better inform).

Point taken.

However, I don't think anyone has to have a 'right to comment.' Posters ask for opinions and I think it would be doing a disservice to them to say that people shouldn't provide those opinions unless they have time to read up on years of back story. Not everyone has Freke to summarize their years of relationship history. And if there are back posts that are particularly relevant, perhaps the OP could link them to the current post.

Personally, I like to see lots of different opinions when I start a thread. And anyway, if an opinion isn't relevant, just ignore it and move on. No reason to tell people to stay out of LIW.

I never said people do, I just said that I personally feel it's inappropriate to do so myself. I am uncomfortable giving pointed advice to someone based upon the tiny bit of information that's usually provided in one thread. You don't need backstory to say "Gee, that sucks, hope it gets better soon!" or "It seems like ___________, is this the case? If so, then __________."

However, I do think that one needs backstory to say things like "Oh he's just trying to throw you off the scent - give him time!" or "He's manipulating you, kick him to the curb!"

But, more importantly (and the point I was trying to make), when someone cares enough to lay all the information out, it is incredibly disrespectful to cry "meanie." Do you know what I mean? I was responding to that. Freke did what most people would never bother to do, only in the interest of further informing those giving advice from a relatively more blind standpoint, and how unfair of anyone to suggest that she was doing it out of malice. What would be the point, anyway?

Date: 4/2/2009 12:32:55 PM
Author: lucyandroger
I just don't think newbies should be told to stay away from posting in LIW if they don't know the whole back story (or have time to read it all). It's always helpful to have a fresh look at something and besides, even if you've read EVERY single post from a person, there is still a TON of history that you couldn't possibly know about. So, it's not like the regulars are posting with full knowledge of CF's relationship with her SO.

Again, I NEVER "told newbies to stay away from posting in LIW." NEVER.

My only point was that people tend to jump all over those posting anything that could be construed as negative, as though they are just trying to be mean, when in fact it's (usually) only because they're working with more information. It's easy to read one thread and say "You haven't even been living together very long, it's totally normal, just wait it out!" without knowing that this is a pattern that's been repeating for years. When someone points that out, they're automatically being mean to the OP? No, I don't think so.

But this is another constant struggle on LIW... do we want hollow, meaningless "hang in there!" responses? Or do we want meaningful, well-thought-through and actually potentially helpful responses - even if they can hurt sometimes (as the truth often does)?

If it were up to me, people would be able to see through their shotgun emotional response and stop getting upset at those meaningful responses. We'd start having productive discussions, instead of ones that dissolve into misdirected defensiveness by page 3. It's not up to me, though, and people will continue to cry "meanie" at those who are out to help create a productive discussion for those having problems. Hence the reason many avoid such threads, which perpetuates the cycle.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/2/2009 1:02:18 PM
Author: janinegirly
Agree! Do not play married couple until you have a ring on your finger--that ring holds significance. It''s not just for sparklies..it shows commitment on the guy''s part towards a legal commitment to you, not just words.

While I agree that it was perhaps not the best solution for CF, I personally disagree with this as a blanket statement. Not everyone waits for their ring + marriage certificate to ''play house,'' and it works out just fine in many cases (mine was one of them - we lived together for 2.5 years beforehand and, if anything, it only sped up the engagement/marriage process as it helped us find our comfort level with that much earlier than we otherwise may have).

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 4/1/2009 3:25:58 PM
Author: happydreams
Woah!!! I didn''t even read this whole thread but Freke, what you did was pretty mean.
You basically embarressed Chocolate by going through all the posts, picking out the bad ones and bolding the highlights.
I felt embarressed/bad for CF seeing it there. Seriously, was it necessary?

I hate to get into this (because I don''t want to fight with anyone and I NEVER do, but I''ve just got to say at least just this chocolatefudge isn''t even around to comment, but I concur with happydreams...

Again, things get posted here that could have one intention but can be completely taken as another interpretation. But still, if someone was THAT interested in chocolatefudge''s posting history, they could have looked themselves instead of it ALL being brought back and plastered into this topic. I surely wouldn''t appreciate that, but that''s just me. And once again, sometimes people use this forum as a venting ground. That certainly doesn''t represent their entire relationships but apparently gets interpreted that way.

***HUGS*** choco, only you know what is right for you.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 4/1/2009 7:13:10 PM
Author: musey

Ditto, of course.

I tend to stay out of LIW because there is inevitably too much history for me to catch up on or keep up with. I don't feel it's my right to comment on someone's situation without having read up on the backstory (AHEM), so I abstain.

Freke did CF and those attempting to give her advice a great service by providing the much-needed backstory that's necessary for said advice-giving. Maybe we can keep this in mind for the future, so that perhaps people won't be so quick-to-advise based on one thread alone (if there are others to better inform).

Musey, I'm glad that's not what you were trying to insinuate but it's the highlighted portions above that gave me that impression.

I NEVER said Freke was mean for posting ( in fact I thanked Freke for the history) and NEVER called any other poster mean for posting negative responses. I just didn't think it was fair for you to drop into the thread and scold people that were just trying to be helpful to the OP, giving their thought-out opinions based on the current thread in which they were posting.

I happen to think that the "geez, that sucks" comments are not very helpful. So, I try to give a thoughtful opinion based on the information I have. That's just how I approach it.

ETA - I just read through the bottom of your post and I have to assume that that wasn't directed towards me because I did NO such thing (calling people meanie, etc.)

**Edited for clarity.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/2/2009 2:06:08 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 4/1/2009 3:25:58 PM
Author: happydreams
Woah!!! I didn't even read this whole thread but Freke, what you did was pretty mean.
You basically embarressed Chocolate by going through all the posts, picking out the bad ones and bolding the highlights.
I felt embarressed/bad for CF seeing it there. Seriously, was it necessary?

I hate to get into this (because I don't want to fight with anyone and I NEVER do, but I've just got to say at least just this chocolatefudge isn't even around to comment, but I concur with happydreams...

Again, things get posted here that could have one intention but can be completely taken as another interpretation. But still, if someone was THAT interested in chocolatefudge's posting history, they could have looked themselves instead of it ALL being brought back and plastered into this topic. I surely wouldn't appreciate that, but that's just me. And once again, sometimes people use this forum as a venting ground. That certainly doesn't represent their entire relationships but apparently gets interpreted that way.

***HUGS*** choco, only you know what is right for you.

Dreamgirl, this hearkens back to what I posted above re: hollow 'support' vs. meaningful advice. Different people want different things when they post. I personally like to start discussions that may yield meaningful advice - that's usually what I'm after when I post, and I usually say so.


I'd like to suggest a new rule:
Whenever posting a new thread, create a disclaimer at the top stating exactly what you are looking for in the responses. We could even come up with a system for it, and if we create acronyms, we can even put them in the thread title. I'll have a go, maybe we can discuss, expand, and settle on a system elsewhere.

JAV - Just a Vent - Reserved for posters who simply want to put their frustration out into the PS void, and aren't looking for advice of any kind in the responses: ie. "Aw, that sucks! Hang in there!" People should respect the NRO label, and can remind others to do so when necessary.

NRO - Nice Responses Only - Reserved for posters who do not want/need any other response than those of the hollow support/fluff variety: ie. "He's just throwing you off the scent!" or "Just wait it out, I'm sure he's gonna propose soon!" People should respect the NRO label, and can remind others to do so when necessary.

HAP - Honest Advice Please - Reserved for posters who want to hear honest reactions and advice, and are not going to get upset/offended if someone tells them something they may not want to hear. Responses can run the gamut here. Likewise, people shouldn't jump all over each other for giving honest advice in a thread labeled HAP.

RCO - Responses Completely Open - Reserved for posters who are okay with any kind of response. Likewise, people shouldn't jump all over each other for responding in a certain way (within reason, of course).

 

[FrekeChild]

Then you probably should have stayed out of it DG.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Maybe, maybe not.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/2/2009 2:20:06 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 4/1/2009 7:13:10 PM
Author: musey
Ditto, of course.

I tend to stay out of LIW because there is inevitably too much history for me to catch up on or keep up with. I don't feel it's my right to comment on someone's situation without having read up on the backstory (AHEM), so I abstain.

Freke did CF and those attempting to give her advice a great service by providing the much-needed backstory that's necessary for said advice-giving. Maybe we can keep this in mind for the future, so that perhaps people won't be so quick-to-advise based on one thread alone (if there are others to better inform).

Musey, I'm glad that's not what you were trying to insinuate but it's the highlighted portions above that gave me that impression.

Nope, sorry for giving that impression. I simply think that people should not make strong assumptions into someone's situation, pass along advice based on that (without allowing for "if that's not the case, then __________"), and then get all up in arms over someone's attempt to bring more light to the situation.

I NEVER said Freke was mean for posting and NEVER called any other poster mean for posting negative responses. I just didn't think it was fair to drop into the thread and scold people that were just trying to be helpful to the OP, giving their thought-out opinions based on the current thread in which they were posting.

I happen to think that the 'geez, that sucks' comments are not very helpful. So, I try to give a thoughtful opinion based on the information I have. That's just how I approach it.

Again, I was not scolding anyone for responding to CF, and I never thought you did call anyone mean, that seems to be purely a miscommunication. I was scolding people for scolding Freke. I think it's fairly obvious that she posted what she did with the best of intentions, and I found it unfair that she'd be criticized for doing something that should be only seen as helpful, in my very humble opinion. eta: If someone would be embarrassed by that, that is of course their prerogative, but I personally think that the need for clarity and improvement in any situation outweighs the embarrassment of shared information.

Obviously none of my 'scolding' was directed at you, so it's a non-issue in that respect, anyway.

 

[Octavia]

Oh for heavens sake, all those who think this is just a little vent, take a look at just the subject of THIS post. Icon: sad face. Subject line: sad face. First sentence: "I feel sooo disappointed - AGAIN!!" And read the rest of the post, about how horribly her BF has played with her emotions.

Even without the backstory, what more does it take for people to realize that CF is unhappy? And that this isn't the first time her BF has made her unhappy? This isn't just an "I got mad at my BF because he bought another new video game AGAIN and I need to vent a little" thread -- it's about a fundamental difference of opinion in their relationship. Even if I hadn't known about CF's situation long before Freke condensed it for us, that much would have been obvious to me straight off the bat.

At this point, the situation could go a couple ways:
1) CF hides her disappointment forever, stays with the guy, and remains unmarried and unhappy.
2) CF resigns herself to being unmarried, stays with the guy, and makes the best of the situation.
3) CF takes control of the situation, gives him the boot, and starts a new (hopefully happier) life without him.

Of course, what we'd all hope for her is that it would go this increasingly improbable way:
4) He decides he's ready for marriage, proposes, the wedding goes off without a hitch, and they live happily ever after.

But since he's been proving to her over and over for years now that her feelings don't really matter to him one way or another, I just don't see the fairy-tale ending of #4. CF will make her decision, whatever it is, either affirmatively or by default -- but I don't understand how anyone who actually read what CF wrote could still believe that her BF is ever going to change a thing about his life when things are all just hunky-dory to him.

If anyone needs to be called "meanie" here, it's CF's manipulative, self-centered boyfriend. Not any of the people who have spent a great deal of time trying to help her see the situation from an outside perspective.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/2/2009 2:22:05 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/2/2009 2:06:08 PM

Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 4/1/2009 3:25:58 PM

Author: happydreams

Woah!!! I didn''t even read this whole thread but Freke, what you did was pretty mean.

You basically embarressed Chocolate by going through all the posts, picking out the bad ones and bolding the highlights.

I felt embarressed/bad for CF seeing it there. Seriously, was it necessary?

I hate to get into this (because I don''t want to fight with anyone and I NEVER do, but I''ve just got to say at least just this chocolatefudge isn''t even around to comment, but I concur with happydreams...


Again, things get posted here that could have one intention but can be completely taken as another interpretation. But still, if someone was THAT interested in chocolatefudge''s posting history, they could have looked themselves instead of it ALL being brought back and plastered into this topic. I surely wouldn''t appreciate that, but that''s just me. And once again, sometimes people use this forum as a venting ground. That certainly doesn''t represent their entire relationships but apparently gets interpreted that way.


***HUGS*** choco, only you know what is right for you.

Dreamgirl, this hearkens back to what I posted above re: hollow ''support'' vs. meaningful advice. Different people want different things when they post. I personally like to start discussions that may yield meaningful advice - that''s usually what I''m after when I post, and I usually say so.



I''d like to suggest a new rule:

Whenever posting a new thread, create a disclaimer at the top stating exactly what you are looking for in the responses. We could even come up with a system for it, and if we create anagrams, we can even put them in the thread title. I''ll have a go, maybe we can discuss, expand, and settle on a system elsewhere.


JAV - Just a Vent - Reserved for posters who simply want to put their frustration out into the PS void, and aren''t looking for advice of any kind in the responses: ie. ''Aw, that sucks! Hang in there!'' People should respect the NRO label, and can remind others to do so when necessary.


NRO - Nice Responses Only - Reserved for posters who do not want/need any other response than those of the hollow support/fluff variety: ie. ''He''s just throwing you off the scent!'' or ''Just wait it out, I''m sure he''s gonna propose soon!'' People should respect the NRO label, and can remind others to do so when necessary.


HAP - Honest Advice Please - Reserved for posters who want to hear honest reactions and advice, and are not going to get upset/offended if someone tells them something they may not want to hear. Responses can run the gamut here. Likewise, people shouldn''t jump all over each other for giving honest advice in a thread labeled HAP.


RCO - Responses Completely Open - Reserved for posters who are okay with any kind of response. Likewise, people shouldn''t jump all over each other for responding in a certain way (within reason, of course).

Good idea Musey! I happen to agree with you in that I would prefer honest responses over the hollow support responses anyday. I don''t think what Freke did was meant in a bad way at all. Past history is always good to know when posting.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 4/2/2009 2:29:09 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/2/2009 2:20:06 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 4/1/2009 7:13:10 PM
Author: musey
Ditto, of course.

I tend to stay out of LIW because there is inevitably too much history for me to catch up on or keep up with. I don''t feel it''s my right to comment on someone''s situation without having read up on the backstory (AHEM), so I abstain.

Freke did CF and those attempting to give her advice a great service by providing the much-needed backstory that''s necessary for said advice-giving. Maybe we can keep this in mind for the future, so that perhaps people won''t be so quick-to-advise based on one thread alone (if there are others to better inform).

Musey, I''m glad that''s not what you were trying to insinuate but it''s the highlighted portions above that gave me that impression.

Nope, sorry for giving that impression. I simply think that people should not make strong assumptions into someone''s situation, pass along advice based on that (without allowing for ''if that''s not the case, then __________''), and then get all up in arms over someone''s attempt to bring more light to the situation.

I NEVER said Freke was mean for posting and NEVER called any other poster mean for posting negative responses. I just didn''t think it was fair to drop into the thread and scold people that were just trying to be helpful to the OP, giving their thought-out opinions based on the current thread in which they were posting.

I happen to think that the ''geez, that sucks'' comments are not very helpful. So, I try to give a thoughtful opinion based on the information I have. That''s just how I approach it.

Again, I was not scolding anyone for responding to CF, and I never thought you did call anyone mean, that seems to be purely a miscommunication. I was scolding people for scolding Freke. I think it''s fairly obvious that she posted what she did with the best of intentions, and I found it unfair that she''d be criticized for doing something that should be only seen as helpful, in my very humble opinion.

Obviously none of my ''scolding'' was directed at you, so it''s a non-issue in that respect, anyway.

Agreed. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/2/2009 2:22:05 PM
Author: musey

I''d like to suggest a new rule:
Whenever posting a new thread, create a disclaimer at the top stating exactly what you are looking for in the responses. We could even come up with a system for it, and if we create anagrams, we can even put them in the thread title. I''ll have a go, maybe we can discuss, expand, and settle on a system elsewhere.

I don''t agree with this rule.

I think the more appropriate rule would be if you can''t stand the heat, don''t post your business for all to read and give you an honest opinion. Period.

We should all feel so lucky to be part of a community with smart and honest people that will never post in such a manner to steer you in the wrong direction just for sh!t and giggles.

And believe me, after a while on a board you learn who you need to sugarcoat things for because they just cannot handle it. And eventually that sugarcoating turns into ignoring all together. That doesn''t benefit anyone, especially not the person that eventually gets ignored.

 

[janinegirly]

If people just want to vent (ie only receive hollow/fake support aka "HANG IN THERE, PROPOSAL COMING SOON YIPEE"), why not just send yourself an email. Same thing.

Sorry for the cynicism, but come on, this is an anonymous forum. You cannot get offended for people calling it like they see it based on words you wrote/situation you described. If you can''t handle outside perspective on scenarios you chose to share or vent about, don''t post. I mean venting means you''re already frustrated, and that is not anyone''s fault here. Lashing out because you don''t like what you''re hearing is pure projection.

Apologies to CF for the threadjack.

 

[musey]

@ lucyandroger

Date: 4/2/2009 2:38:52 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 4/2/2009 2:22:05 PM
Author: musey
I'd like to suggest a new rule:

Whenever posting a new thread, create a disclaimer at the top stating exactly what you are looking for in the responses. We could even come up with a system for it, and if we create acronyms, we can even put them in the thread title. I'll have a go, maybe we can discuss, expand, and settle on a system elsewhere.

I don't agree with this rule.

I think the more appropriate rule would be if you can't stand the heat, don't post your business for all to read and give you an honest opinion. Period.

We should all feel so lucky to be part of a community with smart and honest people that will never post in such a manner to steer you in the wrong direction just for sh!t and giggles.

And believe me, after a while on a board you learn who you need to sugarcoat things for because they just cannot handle it. And eventually that sugarcoating turns into ignoring all together. That doesn't benefit anyone, especially not the person that eventually gets ignored.

If only

I was just trying to come up with a more realistic solution...

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/2/2009 2:44:06 PM
Author: musey

If only

I was just trying to come up with a more realistic solution...

HAHA Musey that literally made me LOL

 

[decodelighted]

Oh Musey ... you sweet, sweet enabler. Why not just start a new area called "Delusional Echo Chamber" and anyone who just wants to vent or get pats on the back goes there. Keep 'em good & segregated so their gooey "u go girl" bedtime whispers don't rankle us grizzled shrews.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/2/2009 2:47:16 PM
Author: decodelighted
Oh Musey ... you sweet, sweet enabler. Why not just start a new area called 'Delusional Echo Chamber' and anyone who just wants to vent or get pats on the back goes there. Keep 'em good & segregated so their gooey 'u go girl' bedtime whispers don't rankle us grizzled shrews.

That would work, too

I honestly do think that people should be entitled to limiting the, um, 'genre' of their responses... they just need to ask for it. And also to be aware that people may not follow their request at all times. At least then, hopefully the responses at least read "I know you said you're just venting, but....."

I know that every time I've given such a disclaimer, people have been respectful of it. Even when they're not, you have a disclaimer to cite when slapping their wrist for giving too 'negative' a response.