misskitty
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Oh Girls :-(
- Thread starter chocolatefudge
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mrscushion
Ideal_Rock
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I do not think he is trying to throw you off his trail. I don''t think a ring and a proposal are in the works at all. I believe he does not want to get married, and that right now he is putting his own happiness before yours. If he truly does not like marriage and you really want to be married, well, one of you has to decide to give in and make a sacrifice. That''s what relationships are about. You compromise because ultimately the person you love makes you happier than anything else. My significant other also does not believe that you need to be married to have a permanent, trusting, equal-footed life partnership. He is also not quite at that perfect point in life where engagement and marriage naturally fits into his timeline. He probably could have used another couple of years. I can''t. I truly believe in marriage, and I needed to be engaged now. He accepted that trade-off because being with me takes priority. I realize that and it makes it all the more meaningful. I''ll probably make similar compromises for him in the future.
What worries me is that regardless of whether or not your SO thinks his statements through before he makes them, they are manipulative. What he should have done, a long time ago, is to really, really think hard about whether or not he wants to get married at all and if he does, what needs to happen before he feels ready to get married. And then, he should have told you that. That should have been the starting point for some serious conversations, at the end of which you guys stay together or you don''t.
Instead, it seems that either he did think through his point of view, decided that he doesn''t want to get married, decided that that truth would probably drive you away, and decided at each instance he would push the moment of truth 6 months further out. Manipulative. Or, he never really took the time to clarify his own thoughts and feelings. Indirectly manipulative.
Either way, things have been amiss for a long time now and he has not been honest with you. If I were in your situation, that would really bother me, and it would probably bother me too much to stay with him.
What worries me is that regardless of whether or not your SO thinks his statements through before he makes them, they are manipulative. What he should have done, a long time ago, is to really, really think hard about whether or not he wants to get married at all and if he does, what needs to happen before he feels ready to get married. And then, he should have told you that. That should have been the starting point for some serious conversations, at the end of which you guys stay together or you don''t.
Instead, it seems that either he did think through his point of view, decided that he doesn''t want to get married, decided that that truth would probably drive you away, and decided at each instance he would push the moment of truth 6 months further out. Manipulative. Or, he never really took the time to clarify his own thoughts and feelings. Indirectly manipulative.
Either way, things have been amiss for a long time now and he has not been honest with you. If I were in your situation, that would really bother me, and it would probably bother me too much to stay with him.
princesss
Ideal_Rock
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decodelighted
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swimmer
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Date: 3/31/2009 11:46:17 AM
Author: decodelighted
Date: 3/31/2009 11:15:36 AM
Author: fieryred33143
I''m not really sure how any of that helps CF but welcome anyway
I think her message is clear ... if Choc Fudge''s boyfriend has a near-death-experience he''ll come around! Now for the what/where/when ...
Exactly, now how to arrange a safe but near death experience?
7ofus, wouldn''t that make you 9ofus? Or 7 of them? welcome and be sure to post a new thread with more info.
girlie-girl
Brilliant_Rock
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Admittedly I don''t know the history of their relationship other than what was posted in this thread. But, I have to respectfully disagree that this has anything to do w/being in the UK v USA as last I checked broke is broke, no matter where you are.
Still_Waiting
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Aww, sweetie! I''m so sorry that you''re feeling so frustrated right now! I can''t even imagine how upset I''d be after a conversation like that. I''d feel totally helpless and disappointed...although those words aren''t nearly strong enough. I have no advice to offer, only a listening ear...(reading eye?). I sincerely hope he has a big change of heart soon and makes saving money a priority (that''s what I''m still waiting for). (((HUGS)))
FrekeChild
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Keepingthefaith21
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Hi CF - I am sorry you are in this situation and so hurt. I have been in your shoes. After being let down on a few occasions I stopped trying to read into things he did. The first step in helping yourself deal with this situation is to stop building your own anticipation up. The second step is to really listen to what he is saying to you. He''s being pretty clear that he is not ready...yet.
Many ladies here have pointed out, in countless posts, that finances are a very comfy excuse for not proposing. My guy fed me that song and dance for awhile - turns out, he knew he wanted to marry me he just wasn''t ready to marry me right at that time. We also own our own home and budgeting for a ring still isn''t easy. He realized this very quickly but instead of hiding behind the situation, he confronted me and spoke with me about it. The result was a proposal without the fancy ring. We are now 7 months away from our wedding and he is continuing to work towards buying my "dream" ring. I may have it before the wedding. I may not. But, true to the same words I said to him (and the words which I meant in my heart) it wasn''t, isn''t and never will be about the ring - it''s the promise and commitment that I wanted. The ring, to me, is just a symbol of those promises.
My point is when he is ready nothing will stop him from proposing - with or without a ring.
Both Pandora and NEL make VERY excellent points in their posts. I would read and re-read those and see if anything they have said resonates with you.
Many ladies here have pointed out, in countless posts, that finances are a very comfy excuse for not proposing. My guy fed me that song and dance for awhile - turns out, he knew he wanted to marry me he just wasn''t ready to marry me right at that time. We also own our own home and budgeting for a ring still isn''t easy. He realized this very quickly but instead of hiding behind the situation, he confronted me and spoke with me about it. The result was a proposal without the fancy ring. We are now 7 months away from our wedding and he is continuing to work towards buying my "dream" ring. I may have it before the wedding. I may not. But, true to the same words I said to him (and the words which I meant in my heart) it wasn''t, isn''t and never will be about the ring - it''s the promise and commitment that I wanted. The ring, to me, is just a symbol of those promises.
My point is when he is ready nothing will stop him from proposing - with or without a ring.
Both Pandora and NEL make VERY excellent points in their posts. I would read and re-read those and see if anything they have said resonates with you.
trillionaire
Ideal_Rock
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CF
Men are different creatures than women. If their finances aren''t in order, they often feel as lost as women do about engagement. They are culturally trained to see themselves as providers, and it sounds like he is doing all he can to keep his head about water right now. Just because YOU don''t view a house as a commitment does not mean that he doesn''t. And a smaller ring might embarrass him, since it says "I couldn''t afford better/more" in his mind. That being said, a man that is excited about being engaged can''t be stopped! Keep that in mind too.
I think you need to slow down on the leaving or threatening to leave and have a very honest conversation. Let him know your frustration and anxiety, and that it is NOT okay for him to just say something because you want to hear it. Let him know that you understand that the new house expenses are daunting, but you both need to figure out some compromise that allows both of you to be happy. You can tell him that it is more important to you to be engaged than to keep the house, and that in hindsight, you would have reversed the order. Ask him what buying a house together means to him. Tell him what it means or doesn''t mean to you. Also, ask him for a firm timeline. Let him know that it is not a negotiable timeline, and that with this house, you have too much invested and on the line for someone who is not able to make a commitment. Engagement isn''t something you WANT, it is something you NEED. Let him know that. Tell him that you have felt strung along, lead on, mislead and lied to, dismissed, and those are not characteristics that you would like to attribute to him.
Talk it out. Write him a letter. you all need to be able to talk about this and get to the bottom of this. And if he doesn''t get with the program, you need to start looking for a renter to take over your half of the lease.
LAJennifer
Ideal_Rock
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Yep!Date: 3/31/2009 10:40:18 AM
Author: decodelighted
AIGH!!! Thread like this make me so frustrated! Why can''t people see around corners! How could you two not have known that buying a house together would make all the other things SO much more difficult??? I really wish you''d NOT bought a house together before the final commitment was settled. But that''s all water under the bridge. Perhaps this thread will help others see what is very likely to happen in these cases.My one friend who bought a house with a guy she''d been with for seven years, married a different guy six months after she broke up with guy #1 -- after ANOTHER broken promise, missed deadline etc. They were still separating property & $$$ YEARS later. GAH!
Wake up!!! Stop living in fairy land!!! He is not ''surprising you'' -- he''s BROKE. Also, a LIAR who has now admitted to telling you what you want to hear ABOUT SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS MARRIAGE just to shut you up. The sooner you get a CLEAR grasp on your REALITY ... the quicker you''ll know your next steps.
purrfectpear
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This is why you don''t buy a house without an engagement unless you are willing to live together without a marriage in the future.
Thank heavens you are in the UK and not here in the states. You''d be underwater by at least 10% on a house purchased a few months ago. Then you''d really be screwed.
It''s time to look at actions and ignore what is coming out of his mouth. I think you need to talk with a solicitor about your options under this mortgage situation
The handwriting is on the wall. Your job at this point is to get out as unscathed as possible.
Thank heavens you are in the UK and not here in the states. You''d be underwater by at least 10% on a house purchased a few months ago. Then you''d really be screwed.
It''s time to look at actions and ignore what is coming out of his mouth. I think you need to talk with a solicitor about your options under this mortgage situation
FrekeChild
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choro72
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Londongirl1
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The housing situation in the uk is no better than in the states - I live in the uk and I know! I agree that it''s time to look at actions, although I have to say that women can be their own WORSE ENEMY when it comes to relationships and only hear what they want to hear!!!Date: 3/31/2009 3:40:31 PM
Author: purrfectpear
This is why you don''t buy a house without an engagement unless you are willing to live together without a marriage in the future.
Thank heavens you are in the UK and not here in the states. You''d be underwater by at least 10% on a house purchased a few months ago. Then you''d really be screwed.
It''s time to look at actions and ignore what is coming out of his mouth. I think you need to talk with a solicitor about your options under this mortgage situationThe handwriting is on the wall. Your job at this point is to get out as unscathed as possible.
Pandora II
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DITTO - prices dropped for the fourth month in a row in March. It''s dire here and no mortgages worth having unless you have a 40% deposit...Date: 3/31/2009 4:13:54 PM
Author: Londongirl1
The housing situation in the uk is no better than in the states - I live in the uk and I know! I agree that it''s time to look at actions, although I have to say that women can be their own WORSE ENEMY when it comes to relationships and only hear what they want to hear!!!Date: 3/31/2009 3:40:31 PM
Author: purrfectpear
This is why you don''t buy a house without an engagement unless you are willing to live together without a marriage in the future.
Thank heavens you are in the UK and not here in the states. You''d be underwater by at least 10% on a house purchased a few months ago. Then you''d really be screwed.
It''s time to look at actions and ignore what is coming out of his mouth. I think you need to talk with a solicitor about your options under this mortgage situationThe handwriting is on the wall. Your job at this point is to get out as unscathed as possible.
Dreamgirl
Ideal_Rock
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Oh goodness! It sure is interesting to see all the different points of view on this. But only you know the guy so it's hard to give advice that would truly work for you.
I feel bad that this happened but honestly, (IMO) maybe he just still isn't ready yet. The way he talks sounds like he does want to do this but maybe because of the financial situation and maybe not feeling ready leads to him not saving any money or thinking much about it (as you are.) I know how it can get a girl down but I don't think setting a specific timeline is ever healthy as it seems the time comes and goes for many and then you just feel nothing but disappointment and some resentment too. When the timing is right, then it will happen. It sounds like the timing just isn't right (just yet) It's a terrible thing but it is the case for many couples these days. (Especially when money or lack-there-of is involved.) If you love him and you KNOW he loves you too and you both want the same life, just give it time...I wouldn't just throw my hands up and give up on the guy because he is broke and hasn't asked you to marry him yet.
That's just what I think anyway.
**HUGS** I'm here for you!
I feel bad that this happened but honestly, (IMO) maybe he just still isn't ready yet. The way he talks sounds like he does want to do this but maybe because of the financial situation and maybe not feeling ready leads to him not saving any money or thinking much about it (as you are.) I know how it can get a girl down but I don't think setting a specific timeline is ever healthy as it seems the time comes and goes for many and then you just feel nothing but disappointment and some resentment too. When the timing is right, then it will happen. It sounds like the timing just isn't right (just yet) It's a terrible thing but it is the case for many couples these days. (Especially when money or lack-there-of is involved.) If you love him and you KNOW he loves you too and you both want the same life, just give it time...I wouldn't just throw my hands up and give up on the guy because he is broke and hasn't asked you to marry him yet.
That's just what I think anyway.
**HUGS** I'm here for you!
LaraOnline
Ideal_Rock
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Have to agree with Pandora. British guys seem to have a strong 'lads' culture floating around them, that is constantly reinforced in the popular media.
I can heartily reinforce that as a rule (and it does depend on the crowd you run with, I guess) Aussie guys are also a lot like the Brits, they really don't 'get' the ring thing at all... I also feel that in Australia - and by extension British culture as well - money is not really that significant an issue holding Aussie men back from getting married (assuming they have a steady job and are reasonably happy with their lifestyle, whatever it might be) - we as a group don't really have the massive weddings / rings as a standard and at the end of the day, marriage can be more about the willingness to shoulder responsibility, move forward, grow up, etc etc
Particularly as you don't tend to get married within a couple of weeks, there is a good say, nine months to a year of planning, even for a low key wedding...
If he's the immature / lad type / commitment phobe etc etc, and he's just bought a house with you, it's quite likely that he has had enough of doing 'grown-up ' things for a while!
Male culture also constantly reinforces negative values and fantasies about marriage... for example that a woman will 'let herself go', that she will be less loving etc etc. It is difficult for a woman to combat these unfair images of married women, that are constantly reinforced not only in man's conversation, but in popular male culture generally! It takes a mature man to rise above these influences.
Importantly for a man, I think marriage can also signal a willingness to allow a woman to have children. That aspect of family / married life can be linked directly to 'issues' with money... perhaps he is holding back from you because he does not want you to move on to the 'kids' stage! I know that with-holding marriage is a technique many men around me have used to prevent women from having the children.
I can heartily reinforce that as a rule (and it does depend on the crowd you run with, I guess) Aussie guys are also a lot like the Brits, they really don't 'get' the ring thing at all... I also feel that in Australia - and by extension British culture as well - money is not really that significant an issue holding Aussie men back from getting married (assuming they have a steady job and are reasonably happy with their lifestyle, whatever it might be) - we as a group don't really have the massive weddings / rings as a standard and at the end of the day, marriage can be more about the willingness to shoulder responsibility, move forward, grow up, etc etc
Particularly as you don't tend to get married within a couple of weeks, there is a good say, nine months to a year of planning, even for a low key wedding...
If he's the immature / lad type / commitment phobe etc etc, and he's just bought a house with you, it's quite likely that he has had enough of doing 'grown-up ' things for a while!
Male culture also constantly reinforces negative values and fantasies about marriage... for example that a woman will 'let herself go', that she will be less loving etc etc. It is difficult for a woman to combat these unfair images of married women, that are constantly reinforced not only in man's conversation, but in popular male culture generally! It takes a mature man to rise above these influences.
Importantly for a man, I think marriage can also signal a willingness to allow a woman to have children. That aspect of family / married life can be linked directly to 'issues' with money... perhaps he is holding back from you because he does not want you to move on to the 'kids' stage! I know that with-holding marriage is a technique many men around me have used to prevent women from having the children.
redfaerythinker
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CF... I agree with Pandora and others... if he wanted to propose... he would. My fiance and I are broke college students. He saved for well over a year and a half to buy my ring. I remember him almost living on Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in order to save money. And he did it because he wanted to marry me, and because he wanted to be engaged to me.
If your boyfriend wanted to marry you... or propose to you... he would do it. It''s as simple as that. He would not have strung you along with "soon" for five years. And he has even admitted that he lied to you all those years to shut you up. How can you believe him now?
I''m so sorry that you are in this situation... and I have every hope that I am wrong about him. I wish you all the best.
If your boyfriend wanted to marry you... or propose to you... he would do it. It''s as simple as that. He would not have strung you along with "soon" for five years. And he has even admitted that he lied to you all those years to shut you up. How can you believe him now?
I''m so sorry that you are in this situation... and I have every hope that I am wrong about him. I wish you all the best.
LtlFirecracker
Ideal_Rock
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jcarlylew
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Still_Waiting
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CF, I hope you''re doing okay today...=(
Red, I think you''re lucky, but not the normal by any means. Everyone values money differently and just because he scrimped to save for 1-1/2 years that doesn''t necessarily mean he wanted you anymore than the next couple...while it''s normal to stash money away, I wouldn''t say living on PB&J is what many guys do.
absolut_blonde
Brilliant_Rock
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Perhaps her example was a bit extreme but I do wonder if some of these SOs that ''can''t afford it'' are making ANY attempt to cut out frivolous expenses so that they can stash away what they can. I mean, even a weekly 12-pack of beer (or whatever) adds up in the long run.
And I think (correct me if I am wrong, I can''t go back and look now that I''ve started to type this out) CF posted that her SO flat out said he hadn''t saved anything at all. If money is the only obstacle, then you think the guy would be doing whatever he could to get things in motion, even if that is $30-40 at a time.
lucyandroger
Brilliant_Rock
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But CF''s SO just bought a house with CF 3 MONTHS ago!!! Maybe all his scrimping and saving went into buying the house. I think there must have been a break down in communication about priorities here. If you''re putting every cent you have into a house (which CF said was more than they thought they would be able to afford), then you can''t ALSO put every cent towards an engagement ring. You can''t have everything all at once!
Plus, the guy had to borrow money for groceries this month...he''s clearly having financial issues.
neatfreak
Super_Ideal_Rock
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absolut_blonde
Brilliant_Rock
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True, but they''ve been together for EIGHT years. That''s a lot of opportunity to save.
Plus, getting engaged and even married doesn''t have to cost a ton. I doubt CF is requiring a 3ct ring or anything of the sort.
I just think it''s not a priority for him, based on what she''s written. I hope I am wrong, of course, but... :/
princesss
Ideal_Rock
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Honestly, this can be very helpful advice, but it can also lead women to stay in a dead-end relationship long past its expiration date. They''ve been together for 8 years, and CF has been waiting for 5. He''s been telling her different stories over these 5 years to get her to stop asking about marriage for a while, and then blaming her when she asks about it. Nothing will stop a guy that *really* wants to get engaged. It may be time to realize that the guy that just needs "a little more time" to be ready (after 8 years, 5 of which he continually lied/was defensive about the status of an engagement) may be going the way of the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.Date: 3/31/2009 6:52:04 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Oh goodness! It sure is interesting to see all the different points of view on this. But only you know the guy so it''s hard to give advice that would truly work for you.
I feel bad that this happened but honestly, (IMO) maybe he just still isn''t ready yet. The way he talks sounds like he does want to do this but maybe because of the financial situation and maybe not feeling ready leads to him not saving any money or thinking much about it (as you are.) I know how it can get a girl down but I don''t think setting a specific timeline is ever healthy as it seems the time comes and goes for many and then you just feel nothing but disappointment and some resentment too. When the timing is right, then it will happen. It sounds like the timing just isn''t right (just yet) It''s a terrible thing but it is the case for many couples these days. (Especially when money or lack-there-of is involved.) If you love him and you KNOW he loves you too and you both want the same life, just give it time...I wouldn''t just throw my hands up and give up on the guy because he is broke and hasn''t asked you to marry him yet.
That''s just what I think anyway.
**HUGS** I''m here for you!
Yeah, maybe I''m being a little harsh. But what''s the title of that chapter? "He''s Just Not That Into You If He''s Not Marrying You"?
CF, I truly hope you find peace and happiness, in this relationship or another. You''re a lovely lady who deserves the family you dream of.
Guilty Pleasure
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My fiance and I dated long distance on and off for 6 years and lived in the same city half a year before he proposed. Here was his timeline for major purchases.
March 2008 - bought a house
August 2008 - bought a car
October 2008 - bought a ring
I know buying the house and adjusting to home ownership was a HUGE deal to him. It's also a very large chunk of money to be removed all at once. He definitely needed time after buying the house to settle into the idea of taking another huge chunk out of savings for the car and then another chunk (not as large of course!) for the ring.
I know that personally I could not plop down a few thousand dollars for a ring right after buying a house, EVEN IF I had the money sitting in my account. It's a lot of money to spend all at once.
Also, I think my fiance needs to do things one step at a time. Take care of A, then take care of B, then take care of C. Don't think about B or C until A is settled. That is soooo not me, of course, since I was thinking about engagement the whole time!
Your guy could just be a practical person and is taking things one step at a time. A possible guy POV would be, "I'm still taking care of the house situation (A), why is she obsessed with the ring (C)? It is so frustrating to me that she is messing up my order."
While I am not one to encourage someone to sit around forever as the perpetual girlfriend, and I certainly don't think he should just brush you off or say something to shut you up, I also think that even the most wonderful guy would be stressed in your SO's situation and not really able to give engagement the careful thought and undivided attention it deserves. Most men like to have their ducks in a row before they propose.
ETA - I would not move in with fiance until we are married (or close to it), but I will say that I do think buying a house together is a a very big step and does show that this guy is committed. Having a mortgage together is just as involved as being married in the simple legal sense. It's not something that you can just undo overnight like an annulment in Reno. Would it ever be enough or "the same as being married" to me? heck no! but I don't think we can assume the guy bought a house with her just to shut her up. That's a huge deal just to shut someone up, and I don't think any normal person would buy a house with someone they didn't intend on being with for a very long time.
March 2008 - bought a house
August 2008 - bought a car
October 2008 - bought a ring
I know buying the house and adjusting to home ownership was a HUGE deal to him. It's also a very large chunk of money to be removed all at once. He definitely needed time after buying the house to settle into the idea of taking another huge chunk out of savings for the car and then another chunk (not as large of course!) for the ring.
I know that personally I could not plop down a few thousand dollars for a ring right after buying a house, EVEN IF I had the money sitting in my account. It's a lot of money to spend all at once.
Also, I think my fiance needs to do things one step at a time. Take care of A, then take care of B, then take care of C. Don't think about B or C until A is settled. That is soooo not me, of course, since I was thinking about engagement the whole time!
Your guy could just be a practical person and is taking things one step at a time. A possible guy POV would be, "I'm still taking care of the house situation (A), why is she obsessed with the ring (C)? It is so frustrating to me that she is messing up my order."
While I am not one to encourage someone to sit around forever as the perpetual girlfriend, and I certainly don't think he should just brush you off or say something to shut you up, I also think that even the most wonderful guy would be stressed in your SO's situation and not really able to give engagement the careful thought and undivided attention it deserves. Most men like to have their ducks in a row before they propose.
ETA - I would not move in with fiance until we are married (or close to it), but I will say that I do think buying a house together is a a very big step and does show that this guy is committed. Having a mortgage together is just as involved as being married in the simple legal sense. It's not something that you can just undo overnight like an annulment in Reno. Would it ever be enough or "the same as being married" to me? heck no! but I don't think we can assume the guy bought a house with her just to shut her up. That's a huge deal just to shut someone up, and I don't think any normal person would buy a house with someone they didn't intend on being with for a very long time.
FrekeChild
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Have you read the history here?
Here are the main points:
CF wanted to get engaged.
BF wanted a house.
CF told him she wanted to get engaged before buying a house.
BF talks her into buying house before they are engaged.
CF still wants to get engaged.
Here are some choice quotes from the topics she''s started over the past year and a half:
October 2007:
"I''m so pleased to find this site as I''ve been looking for a forum like this for ages! I live in England with my boyfriend and we''ve been together for six and a half years. I''ve been ready to get engaged since our second year together but am still waiting.....
People started questioning when we would get engaged around the five year mark and I also started to ask my bf when this would happen. He kept on saying that he wasn''t ready but couldn''t give me a reason why. I got quite upset over it, but as we were both at uni it did seem like not the best time to get engaged."
December 2007:
"Anyway, today he was out football training and I was looking at all things ''weddingy'' and got myself a bit depressed about STILL not being engaged and wanting to be so badly. When my bf came home I sort of blurted out that I was upset about not being engaged and keep thinking about how long it will be. He was really nice to me but told me that he had no money for a ring yet and was struggling to save up for one. That did annoy be a bit as we both earn quite good money, and he earns more than me, a lot more when he''s having a good month.
Anyway I knew that he had some savings in an account as I saw it when he was doing some online banking this week. I mentioned this money to him and he really geuninely said, "That''s for my car next month." I''d completely forgotten about his MOT and insurance being due which is going to take all of the money."
January 2008:
"I haven''t started a thread on here for a while because I''ve been trying to calm down and go with the flow. My SO of almost 7 years announced on New Year''s Eve that we would get engaged during 2008. He was rather tipsy at the time and whispered it to me at midnight. I was REALLY happy and decided that I would stop talking about the whole thing and just wait for it to happen........
Anyway a week ago we were at his parents house and his dad was asking us something about our house. We are renting at the moment and my SO said to his dad that he would like to buy a house this year. I was a little surprised as we had been talking about renting for a while longer as it''s much cheaper than a mortgage would be and I thought that we could save for a wedding and then buy somewhere after getting married. I asked him about this in the car on the way home and he said he wanted to move this year as prices were falling and if we waited too long they may go up again. I said in a really small voice, "But I thought we were getting married?" To which he said that we could put that back and did it really matter?!?!?
I freaked out a bit and got really upset and said it wasn''t fair to make promises and then keep making me wait longer. We ended up going to bed not speaking.
I thought about it the next day and saw that he did have a point, we should really look at buying...... But I''m just so disappointed!! We haven''t talked about the engagement since but I have looked at some houses. I don''t know what to do!! I''m worried that we would struggle to afford to pay for a wedding if we were paying so much towards a mortgage. Also we would have to save up for a deposit for a house so there goes ring money..... I just don''t know!!"
Feb 2008:
"Anyway, I think the past Christmas was the real low point, I was sooooo convinced tht it would happen as we had moved in together the previous April, we are very happy, everything that SO had wanted out of the way had happened (graduation, settled in jobs etc) But he didn''t porpose. However! On New Years Eve he told me tht it would happen at some point during 2008. I was really excited (although he was slightly tipsy at the time.) I began to think it would happen on my Birthday (Feb 2nd) It didn''t.
...
We''ve been together for 7 years in April. I just feel like I''m so bored with waiting that I no longer care what happens. Has this happened to anyone else?? I don''t know what''s wrong with me, it''s all I''ve ever wanted!! I think deep down I don''t feel like there will be a proposal this year and so there''s no point getting my hopes up. He''s never given me a ''time before and refuses to talk about timelines as he says he wants to surprise me.
He used to say we couldn''t get engaged while at university as we hadn''t got jobs and had no money so I thought when we graduated it would happen. We graduated two years ago this summer
"March 2008:
"I haven''t been on for a couple of weeks because I just couldn''t face it. A couple of weeks ago me and SO had an argument, can''t remember what started it....... oh yeah! I think we were messing around in the kitchen about something and it moved onto getting married and I said, "Seriously though, when is it going to happen?" And he turned around and said (!!!!!!) "I''m not that bothered about getting married I''m happy the way that we are."
I think I must have looked like one of those cartoons where the character sits with it''s mouth wide open, I didn''t know what to say. I soon realised that he was serious as he started saying things about being happy how we were and how would marriage change anything blah blah blah. I started crying even though I was trying SO hard not to and told him how important it was to me (which he already knows!) I asked why he had told me that it was going to happen this year if he didn''t mean it and he said he could never remeber saying that!! Anyway he was washing the dishes at the same time and it didn''t seem like he was really listening and he kept smirking at me so I got really annoyed and went out for a drive.
When I got back he had gone out to football training so I went to bed and fell asleep. The next morning I left for work before he woke up as I always do, but I didn''t text him from work all day whereas I usually do during my lunch break. I kept waiting and waiting for him to text me and apologise or ask if I was ok but he didn''t!! I was really late home from work as we had to stay behind for a meeting and when I got home I was so annoyed with him I went straight upstairs without speaking. I kept waiting for him to come and ask what was wrong but he didn''t!! Anyway eventually he came up and ended up telling me how he hasn''t felt happy for few months because we hardly ever talk anymore and we never go anywhere. He said he had been thinking about getting married but had changed his mind because he wasn''t happy and didn''t want to feel like that for the rest of his life!! I really couldn''t believe it, I didn''t know that anything was wrong at all!! I know he''s exaggerating about it being ''months'' as we were REALLY happy at Christmas and that''s when he said we would get engaged this year!
He also told me that he was fed up of me talking about getting engaged ALL the time.
I was really upset about it but now things sem fine again. When I asked if he''s happier yesterday he said, "Yeah I''m fine, I only said that stuff because I was having a bad day at work."
What?!?!?!!? We were watching Friends last night and Phoebe got married and he said, "Our wedding will be even nicer than that." What?!?!?!? What is he doing to me? I don''t know what''s going on!! When I ask if he does want to get married he says yes but doesn''t want any sort of timeline because of suprising me."
April 2008:
"You may remember my last post about SO not wanting to get married and wanting a house and me feeling miserable and not knowing what was going on...... Anyway for a while (well a few days at least!) I didn''t bring up getting engaged at all, as he had said that my non-stop questions were anoying him. I thought he''d be pleased that I''d quietened down but he said nothing! After a while I suddenly began thinking, what am I doing?? Why am I changing things about myself and things that I want for someone else?? If he really wanted something would I deny him that?? No!!
Sooooooo I told him that the house hunting was off! I said I wouldn''t buy a house until we were at least engaged, preferably married. He just said, "OK."
You would think that that would please me but no..... Then I began getting stressed out about how long it would take before I would get engaged and would we be getting a house for years?
I started to question him again about when he thought it would happen and he got annoyed (as always) and said he didn''t know. Grrrrr!!
But last night we had a breakthrough!! We went out for tea and while we were sitting there we were talking about a friend of his who is getting married next year and then (I don''t know how the conversation got round to this!!) he stated talking about my ring!! I told him that he hasn''t got to worry about spending a fortune on the ring and it''s the symbol of the ring that means more to me than how much it costs (sorry girls!!) And he said, "Well I don''t want to get you a really rubbish ring, I want a really nice one!" Well know all I keep thinking about it the Tiffany ring that I emailed him ages ago cos I LOVED it!! I never thought he would get me one though!!
Then he said, "I want the proposal to be really special and I''ve got a few ideas but I don''t know which one yet and it depends on which I choose as to when I can do it."
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!"
May 2008:
"Me and SO are getting on REALLY well and I''m feeling very happy. You may recall that my SO does not like the idea of a timeline ad wants to surprise me, however I explained that I was getting uncomfortable with the wait (7 years) and not knowing what was going on so he told me it would happen by the end of this year. I''ve been soooooooooo good and not mentioned it at all, as simply knwoing that there was a timeline calmed me down loads.
I know that he has been saving some money which he slipped out one day was for my ring
BUT
Yes, there''s always a but with me! His car broke down last week (broken forever!) So we went out looking at new cars and he found one that he loves and has bought it. I''m really happy for him as he''s wanted a new car for ages and is really excited about it, however I wasn''t sure how he had paid for it. I asked and he said that he had had to use his savings. I thought that he was just trying to trick me and so wasn''t too bothered, but then I looked at his bank statment and his savings account is empty! All the money has been transferred to his other account to pay for the car!! That means he''s got to start all over again saving for a ring
I just feel like it''s never going to happen! I know the end of the year is a long way away but I can''t help feeling a bit sad. "
May 2008:
"Anyway that''s been upsetting me all week but also other things....... I have been very calm about getting engaged lately and not mentioned it at all. I really thought this is what my boyfriend needed, a bit of space. However, I just don''t think he feels any closer at all. We had a big talk a few weeks ago about saving money to buy a house and get married. I want to get married first, he wants the house (we already live together but renting.) I can''t remember us coming to a definite conclusion although I did tell him that if the house prices did suddenly drop (as they appear to be) then it probably would be sensible to buy.
Anyway I''ve been saving and saving and he was too but I didn''t really understand whether we are saving to get engaged/married or for a house! When I tried to ask him he said, "Haven''t we been through all this already?" And got really funny about it.
Anyway his car died a couple of weeks ago so he''s bought a new one, using all his savings to do so. Now I don''t know where we are!! Things just seem to be sliding further back. I felt like we had a break through the other night when I mentioned something about him not being ready for marriage and he said, "I''m ready now." However, last night I tried to ask him something about a time-line and he was playing on his playstation and would not answer! He was pretending not to hear so I got in a big huff and went to bed. Then he tried to act all nice saying, "Why are you going to bed?"
I just feel like it''ll never happen! He has given me a date of the end of this year but I can''t say that I honestly believe this. I love him so much and know he loves me but I really don''t think he wants to/ is ready to get married. I feel like I want to move forward with my life- buy a house, have a baby, but feel like I can''t do/ don''t want to do these things until I''m married."
August 2008:
"I''ve tried not to mention engagements at all, and aside form a slight blip where SO told his sister and partner that he''s not getting married because he wants freedom (cue lots of grovelling from him as I was NOT impressed!!) things seem to be going ok. He''s mentioned the end of the year timeline a couple of times and I can''t believe it will happen this year!! I have no idea when it will happen but am not expecting it in the next month or so because as far as I''m aware he hasn''t got any money saved or even looked at rings. However, I know he''ll want it all to be a surprise so I suppose he could have lots of money hodden away!!
"October 2008:
"Anyway to cut a long story short we found a house on the estate that we live on now but it was for sale. We both loved it! It''s way nicer than anything we thought we could afford (especially with ridiculous prices in England at the moment!) But even better, we managed to knock £60,000 off the asking price!! We were really happy and have decided to go for it (please don''t all shout at me!! I know how you all feel about this!!) Anyway, basically if we hadn''t applied for the mortgage when we did it looks as though we''d be waiting quite a few years as mortgages have gone crazy and now are only offering 70%, and how we would save a 30% deposit is beyond me!!
Anyway, all this expense means that my timeline is not looking good!! SO has said that he now won''t have money for a ring and things have been put back! Now I know this sounds bad, and it''s like he''s got his own way about the hosue and dropped my proposal but I just have to trust him. I came to the conclusion that I love him and even if we never got married I don''t want to be without him. Am I becoming weak??
Also, a tiny piece of me is hoping that he is trying to put me off thinking it will happen so that he can surpirse me..... Am I being stupid??"
November 2008:
"I''m finally back online! Yahoo!! Have moved into my new house and really love it- the only problem seems to be that it has pushed any hopes of engagement way back. Had a chat with SO who confirmed what I was thinking that the costly process of buying a house has left him with no funds for an engagement ring.
I can''t blame him for this as I did agree to buy the house with him- we would have been stupid not to go for it, we got a lot of money knocked off it and it''s in the best location we could ever have hoped for.
The only problem is that I am starting to feel very bitter towards him about the whole marriage thing. He had promised that we would be engaged before the end of this year. I gave him a timeline of the end of the year and he agreed this was reasonable (it''s been almost 8 years afterall!) Anyway when we bought the house he admitted that he hadn''t been to look at any rings- so if we hadn''t had the house I can''t see how he would have got a ring before the deadline! This annoyed me (although I didn''t say) because I feel as though he really doesn''t take me seriously.
Anyway now I''m just becoming bitter about the whole thing. I don''t feel as though I would be excited about getting engaged and am beginning to wonder that whether having to wait for so long has just put me off the whole idea?? I just feel like I''ve passed wanting it and am beginning to resent him for making me wait for so long.
The strange thing is that we are getting along fine- I just no longer care about getting married. This is upsetting me though as it''s what I always wanted!"
December 2008:
"We it looks like my dreams of a proposal this Christmas are oficially over! We went out Christmas shopping yesterday, a day which started off really nicely but then I had to go and open my big mouth....
Can''t even remember how it started but I mentioned something about being sad that a proposal wouldn''t be coming by end of year (because of new house.) I asked why he hadn''t done it earlier in the year and he said, "I just aren''t bothered about getting married. I''m a man, I''m not going to be excited about a wedding am I?"
Earlier in the year he said the saem thing about ''not being bothered'' and I got really upset. He later said he''d just had a bad day at work and didn''t mean it.
Anyway yesterday when he said it, it made me cry, I couldn'' help it. The tears just came out by themselves! He got annoyed with me and said he''s always told me that he''s not really bothered. I was like, "What???" He''s never said that!!
Anyway, later on we sort of sorted things. He said he did want to and would soon and I just had to accept it becasue when I kept asking questions he got really annoyed again.
Anyway I think you can safely say that he probably isn''t really bothered and who knows if a proposal will ever come now. Why does getting married turn my lovely boyfriend into someone I don''t recognise?!?
And if he isn''t bothered about marriage does that mean he doesn''t love me enough??"
December 2008:
"So fast forward to today. We were both having a very relaxed day, him playing on his PS3 and me catching up with proposals on here. So I said to him, "Do you know when you want us to get married?" He didn''t answer me. It really annoyed me so I shouted (Oooops!) "Don''t just ignore me!" Then he was like, "Oh sorry babe, what''s up?" So I asked again and he said Sumer 2010 would be good. So I said, "And how long do you think this wedding is going to take to plan?" And he said about 18 months. That sounds right to me as we would be paying for most of it ourselves and need time to save. So I said, "You do realise that we should be engaged by now for that don''t you?" So then we were laughing about it a bit and he said that he just wants the proposal to be really special and he has a few ideas and knows when he wants to do it!! Yay!! So I told him that if he doesn''t want to buy me anything for my birthday (Feb 2nd) and use money to save for ring instead then that is fine. Then he said, "Are you trying to trick me into telling you something now?" And he was laughing.
We talked a bit more and from what I can gather it might be coming soon!! Now, he has got my hopes up before like this but he is adament that he has never felt ready or wanted to before but now he does!! Yay!!"
January 2009:
"My SO wants it all to be a complete surprise so I have literally no idea when it could happen. Do you find it difficult when you hear about other people getting engaged? I know it shouldn''t bother me and everyone''s relationships are different but I can''t help it. I sometimes have these irrational moments where I start thinking, "He can''t love me enough," or, "There must be something wrong with me!"
I talk to my SO about it and he has reassured me that 2009 is the year, but then he said 2008 was... We''ve just bought a house together and he does seem very settled now and keeps telling me that he never felt ready for marriage before but now he does, so I suppose we''ll have to see where the year takes us..."
March 2009:
"I posted a few weeks ago after my birthday to say that my SO had said he was going to start saving for a ring. He didn''t really want to tell me this as he has always wanted the whole thing to be a surprise but I think he realises that the waiting is REALLY getting to me. Anyway, he told me it would probably take him about two months to save enough."
And that brings us to present day and this topic.
CF reading through all of that, I can''t help but to feel like you''re being played with like a yo-yo. He gets your hopes up and then later they come crashing down. It was so hard to read, I can''t even imagine what you''re going through...
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Past, Present, Future: The Meaning of Three-Stone Engagement Rings
Past, Present, Future: The Meaning of Three-Stone Engagement Rings - 04/14
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