MOMS - Why did you decide to stay at home or continue working?

[vespergirl]

Hi guys, I had a personal experience this weekend at my son''s 2nd birthday party that made me have to come back on this thread and share what happened.

My husband invited one of his colleagues & his wife who also have a 2 year old. The mom in this family is a lawyer, who works about 60 hours a week, and her husband works out of state, and is only home on the weekends. We were enjoying a nice conversation with this family that I don''t know well, when the mom turned to me and said, in an obviously condescending tone, "So, are you STILL staying at home with him? What do you do all day?" I just turned to her and smiled, and said, "Well, I take care of my son - he''s not old enough to take care of himself yet, and he keeps me very busy. We spend our days reading, playing music, going to the playground and going on walks. We have so much fun together." Later, as they were getting ready to leave, and their daughter started throwing a tantrum that neither of them knew how to handle, while my son was peacefully in the other room watching a kid''s music show on TV, the same woman turned to me and said, "Oh, what is he watching? We never let our daughter watch TV." I explained that he was watching one of the shows that he enjoys singing and dancing with, and thanked them for coming to the party.

My husband, who is one of the most accepting and forgiving people on the planet, turned to me when they were out the door and said, "Wow, those were some nasty comments. She must be really jealous of all the time you get to spend with our son." This is not the first time that some of the working moms in our upper-middle class nieghborhood have made smarmy comments to me, but for my husband to even notice it, I realized that I am not imagining this hostility. What I WANTED to say to her, but didn''t want to stoop to her level of rudeness, was that what I do all day is take care of my son - if it wasn''t important work, then why is she paying $50K each year in child care for her daughter (day care center and night nanny)? Also, regarding the supposed lack of TV watching, how does she have any idea what''s really going on at the daycare center or with her after-daycare nanny while she''s at the office? I''m sure that she doesn''t watch TV during the 2 hours a day she spends with her child, but can she be sure of what''s going on when she''s not around? But of course, I acted graciously, because I''m not the one with the chip on my shoulder.

I wanted to share this exchange with you to demonstrate some of the cattiness that is hurled at SAHMs by working moms. I never had a thought about how this family raises their child, but when you come to MY HOME, take advantage of my hospitality, and then start insulting my family''s values, well, then you''re asking to be judged right back. I didn''t want to be impolite at my son''s b-day party, but we have to endure an evening with these people at my husband''s work holiday party in a few weeks. Maybe I won''t hold back if the cattiness continues ...

 

[Haven]

Oh vesper, what a horribly uncomfortable situation. I''m proud of you for being gracious in the moment. How sad that, as Tgal said, moms spend so much time judging other moms. It must have been bad if your husband noticed it, and really, that kind of makes me just feel sad for the other mom that she is obviously unhappy enough with her own life to behave like that.

This reminds me of the Taylor Mali poem about teachers. The lawyer/teacher dynamic can easily translate into the working mom/SAHM dynamic, too. Now, before anyone gets mad, I do not believe that lawyers don''t make a difference, or that all teachers do. And I do not believe that working moms don''t make a difference, and all SAHMs do. BUT, I like the way he responds to the condescending tone of the lawyer in the poem.

"What Teachers Make, or
Objection Overruled, or
If things don''t work out, you can always go to law school"
By Taylor Mali
www.taylormali.com
He says the problem with teachers is, "What''s a kid going to learn
from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminds the other dinner guests that it''s true what they say about
teachers:
Those who can, do; those who can''t, teach.
I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
and resist the temptation to remind the other dinner guests
that it''s also true what they say about lawyers.

Because we''re eating, after all, and this is polite company.

"I mean, you¹re a teacher, Taylor," he says.
"Be honest. What do you make?"
And I wish he hadn''t done that
(asked me to be honest)
because, you see, I have a policy
about honesty and ass-kicking:
if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional medal of honor
and an A- feel like a slap in the face.
How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence. No, you may not work in groups.
No, you may not ask a question.
Why won''t I let you get a drink of water?
Because you''re not thirsty, you''re bored, that''s why.
I make parents tremble in fear when I call home:
I hope I haven''t called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today.
Billy said, "Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don''t you?"
And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.
I make parents see their children for who they are
and what they can be.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids wonder,
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write, write, write.
And then I make them read.
I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely
beautiful
over and over and over again until they will never misspell
either one of those words again.
I make them show all their work in math.
And hide it on their final drafts in English.
I make them understand that if you got this (brains)
then you follow this (heart) and if someone ever tries to judge you
by what you make, you give them this (the finger).
Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true:
I make a goddamn difference! What about you?

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 11/24/2008 3:08:37 PM
Author: vespergirl
Hi guys, I had a personal experience this weekend at my son''s 2nd birthday party that made me have to come back on this thread and share what happened.


My husband invited one of his colleagues & his wife who also have a 2 year old. The mom in this family is a lawyer, who works about 60 hours a week, and her husband works out of state, and is only home on the weekends. We were enjoying a nice conversation with this family that I don''t know well, when the mom turned to me and said, in an obviously condescending tone, ''So, are you STILL staying at home with him? What do you do all day?'' I just turned to her and smiled, and said, ''Well, I take care of my son - he''s not old enough to take care of himself yet, and he keeps me very busy. We spend our days reading, playing music, going to the playground and going on walks. We have so much fun together.'' Later, as they were getting ready to leave, and their daughter started throwing a tantrum that neither of them knew how to handle, while my son was peacefully in the other room watching a kid''s music show on TV, the same woman turned to me and said, ''Oh, what is he watching? We never let our daughter watch TV.'' I explained that he was watching one of the shows that he enjoys singing and dancing with, and thanked them for coming to the party.


My husband, who is one of the most accepting and forgiving people on the planet, turned to me when they were out the door and said, ''Wow, those were some nasty comments. She must be really jealous of all the time you get to spend with our son.'' This is not the first time that some of the working moms in our upper-middle class nieghborhood have made smarmy comments to me, but for my husband to even notice it, I realized that I am not imagining this hostility. What I WANTED to say to her, but didn''t want to stoop to her level of rudeness, was that what I do all day is take care of my son - if it wasn''t important work, then why is she paying $50K each year in child care for her daughter (day care center and night nanny)? Also, regarding the supposed lack of TV watching, how does she have any idea what''s really going on at the daycare center or with her after-daycare nanny while she''s at the office? I''m sure that she doesn''t watch TV during the 2 hours a day she spends with her child, but can she be sure of what''s going on when she''s not around? But of course, I acted graciously, because I''m not the one with the chip on my shoulder.


I wanted to share this exchange with you to demonstrate some of the cattiness that is hurled at SAHMs by working moms. I never had a thought about how this family raises their child, but when you come to MY HOME, take advantage of my hospitality, and then start insulting my family''s values, well, then you''re asking to be judged right back. I didn''t want to be impolite at my son''s b-day party, but we have to endure an evening with these people at my husband''s work holiday party in a few weeks. Maybe I won''t hold back if the cattiness continues ...

Good for you for taking the high road Vespergirl! Wow, not only does she lack insight, she lacks class as well!
As far as watching TV, my daughter watchted so much Baby Einstein that when she was 18 months and heard the BE music she would say "Hi, I''m Julie Clark, founder of the Baby Einstein Company. For more information about Baby Einstien, go to www.babyeinstein.com. Enjoy the show!" She is very smart though. Maybe all that BE paid off!

As far as I am concerned, when someone is critical of how you parent, he/she is tringing to convince him/herself of his/her own choices.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/24/2008 5:02:17 PM
Author: iluvcarats

Date: 11/24/2008 3:08:37 PM
Author: vespergirl
Hi guys, I had a personal experience this weekend at my son''s 2nd birthday party that made me have to come back on this thread and share what happened.


My husband invited one of his colleagues & his wife who also have a 2 year old. The mom in this family is a lawyer, who works about 60 hours a week, and her husband works out of state, and is only home on the weekends. We were enjoying a nice conversation with this family that I don''t know well, when the mom turned to me and said, in an obviously condescending tone, ''So, are you STILL staying at home with him? What do you do all day?'' I just turned to her and smiled, and said, ''Well, I take care of my son - he''s not old enough to take care of himself yet, and he keeps me very busy. We spend our days reading, playing music, going to the playground and going on walks. We have so much fun together.'' Later, as they were getting ready to leave, and their daughter started throwing a tantrum that neither of them knew how to handle, while my son was peacefully in the other room watching a kid''s music show on TV, the same woman turned to me and said, ''Oh, what is he watching? We never let our daughter watch TV.'' I explained that he was watching one of the shows that he enjoys singing and dancing with, and thanked them for coming to the party.


My husband, who is one of the most accepting and forgiving people on the planet, turned to me when they were out the door and said, ''Wow, those were some nasty comments. She must be really jealous of all the time you get to spend with our son.'' This is not the first time that some of the working moms in our upper-middle class nieghborhood have made smarmy comments to me, but for my husband to even notice it, I realized that I am not imagining this hostility. What I WANTED to say to her, but didn''t want to stoop to her level of rudeness, was that what I do all day is take care of my son - if it wasn''t important work, then why is she paying $50K each year in child care for her daughter (day care center and night nanny)? Also, regarding the supposed lack of TV watching, how does she have any idea what''s really going on at the daycare center or with her after-daycare nanny while she''s at the office? I''m sure that she doesn''t watch TV during the 2 hours a day she spends with her child, but can she be sure of what''s going on when she''s not around? But of course, I acted graciously, because I''m not the one with the chip on my shoulder.


I wanted to share this exchange with you to demonstrate some of the cattiness that is hurled at SAHMs by working moms. I never had a thought about how this family raises their child, but when you come to MY HOME, take advantage of my hospitality, and then start insulting my family''s values, well, then you''re asking to be judged right back. I didn''t want to be impolite at my son''s b-day party, but we have to endure an evening with these people at my husband''s work holiday party in a few weeks. Maybe I won''t hold back if the cattiness continues ...

Good for you for taking the high road Vespergirl! Wow, not only does she lack insight, she lacks class as well!
As far as watching TV, my daughter watchted so much Baby Einstein that when she was 18 months and heard the BE music she would say ''Hi, I''m Julie Clark, founder of the Baby Einstein Company. For more information about Baby Einstien, go to www.babyeinstein.com. Enjoy the show!'' She is very smart though. Maybe all that BE paid off!

As far as I am concerned, when someone is critical of how you parent, he/she is tringing to convince him/herself of his/her own choices.

Baby Einstein was a life saver for me when my son was very young. When he was really little, he''d cry whenever I took a shower, but when BE was on, I got a nice 1/2 hr of peace and quiet and had a chance to put makeup on

$50K in nanny? That is crazy. Do you know for certain she pays THAT much? I''ve applied for a few nanny jobs, but then I''d have to hire someone to watch MY kids while I was watching someone elses. Kind of odd. (but for that much $ I would do it

lol)

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 11/24/2008 6:05:24 PM
Author: MC

Date: 11/24/2008 5:02:17 PM
Author: iluvcarats

Date: 11/24/2008 3:08:37 PM
Author: vespergirl
Hi guys, I had a personal experience this weekend at my son''s 2nd birthday party that made me have to come back on this thread and share what happened.


My husband invited one of his colleagues & his wife who also have a 2 year old. The mom in this family is a lawyer, who works about 60 hours a week, and her husband works out of state, and is only home on the weekends. We were enjoying a nice conversation with this family that I don''t know well, when the mom turned to me and said, in an obviously condescending tone, ''So, are you STILL staying at home with him? What do you do all day?'' I just turned to her and smiled, and said, ''Well, I take care of my son - he''s not old enough to take care of himself yet, and he keeps me very busy. We spend our days reading, playing music, going to the playground and going on walks. We have so much fun together.'' Later, as they were getting ready to leave, and their daughter started throwing a tantrum that neither of them knew how to handle, while my son was peacefully in the other room watching a kid''s music show on TV, the same woman turned to me and said, ''Oh, what is he watching? We never let our daughter watch TV.'' I explained that he was watching one of the shows that he enjoys singing and dancing with, and thanked them for coming to the party.


My husband, who is one of the most accepting and forgiving people on the planet, turned to me when they were out the door and said, ''Wow, those were some nasty comments. She must be really jealous of all the time you get to spend with our son.'' This is not the first time that some of the working moms in our upper-middle class nieghborhood have made smarmy comments to me, but for my husband to even notice it, I realized that I am not imagining this hostility. What I WANTED to say to her, but didn''t want to stoop to her level of rudeness, was that what I do all day is take care of my son - if it wasn''t important work, then why is she paying $50K each year in child care for her daughter (day care center and night nanny)? Also, regarding the supposed lack of TV watching, how does she have any idea what''s really going on at the daycare center or with her after-daycare nanny while she''s at the office? I''m sure that she doesn''t watch TV during the 2 hours a day she spends with her child, but can she be sure of what''s going on when she''s not around? But of course, I acted graciously, because I''m not the one with the chip on my shoulder.


I wanted to share this exchange with you to demonstrate some of the cattiness that is hurled at SAHMs by working moms. I never had a thought about how this family raises their child, but when you come to MY HOME, take advantage of my hospitality, and then start insulting my family''s values, well, then you''re asking to be judged right back. I didn''t want to be impolite at my son''s b-day party, but we have to endure an evening with these people at my husband''s work holiday party in a few weeks. Maybe I won''t hold back if the cattiness continues ...

Good for you for taking the high road Vespergirl! Wow, not only does she lack insight, she lacks class as well!
As far as watching TV, my daughter watchted so much Baby Einstein that when she was 18 months and heard the BE music she would say ''Hi, I''m Julie Clark, founder of the Baby Einstein Company. For more information about Baby Einstien, go to www.babyeinstein.com. Enjoy the show!'' She is very smart though. Maybe all that BE paid off!

As far as I am concerned, when someone is critical of how you parent, he/she is tringing to convince him/herself of his/her own choices.

Baby Einstein was a life saver for me when my son was very young. When he was really little, he''d cry whenever I took a shower, but when BE was on, I got a nice 1/2 hr of peace and quiet and had a chance to put makeup on

$50K in nanny? That is crazy. Do you know for certain she pays THAT much? I''ve applied for a few nanny jobs, but then I''d have to hire someone to watch MY kids while I was watching someone elses. Kind of odd. (but for that much $ I would do it

lol)

From what my husband heard from her husband, it''s around that much. Their day care center costs around $30K per year (a fancy one in Washington, DC), and their evening nanny (a few hours at night) costs about $20K a year, from what he heard.

I love the Baby Einstein quote! My son is a fan of Jack''s Big Music Show, and he can name a lot of instruments now. It''s so cute!

 

[mia1181]

Date: 11/24/2008 6:05:24 PM
Author: MC
Baby Einstein was a life saver for me when my son was very young. When he was really little, he''d cry whenever I took a shower, but when BE was on, I got a nice 1/2 hr of peace and quiet and had a chance to put makeup on

$50K in nanny? That is crazy. Do you know for certain she pays THAT much? I''ve applied for a few nanny jobs, but then I''d have to hire someone to watch MY kids while I was watching someone elses. Kind of odd. (but for that much $ I would do it

lol)

He he! I''m a nanny and that''s definitely accurate for where I live at least.

I know, it makes you wonder if they can afford to pay someone that much, then surely they could afford to stay home with the kids. But obviously every family is different and they have the right to raise their children however they see fit.

Reading this thread is so interesting because as a nanny I get to see all sides of the Working/SAHM debate. Unfortunately, I''ve seen a lot of ugliness on both sides. And I really feel it''s pretty equal. I know a lot of working mom''s that make comments about SAHMs. Likewise, at the playground SAHM''s are always making comments about nanny employers.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Gotta jump in for the lawyers and the working mommas here.

I read Vesper''s post with interest. I actually get the opposite situation. I work as a lawyer, and have a nanny. My little boy is a sweet little man, very well mannered. His nanny and I teach him to be a little gentleman. He is a big boy, but never hits.

Unlike the little girl down the street. Her mom is a SAHM, and little miss likes to come and hit and kick and scream. She is quite a terrible little tyrant, and SAHM takes no steps to intervene in this behaviour.

As for lawyers, give our society a try without them, and see how things go..... Be careful what you wish for.

 

[Haven]

LitChick--I am so not anti-lawyer, trust me. The poem just set it up as a great analogy, thought I could make a parallel without people misunderstanding too much. I even took a stab at becoming a lawyer, but left to teach, so really, I do respect lawyers considering I almost became one.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 11/25/2008 11:51:59 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
Gotta jump in for the lawyers and the working mommas here.

I read Vesper''s post with interest. I actually get the opposite situation. I work as a lawyer, and have a nanny. My little boy is a sweet little man, very well mannered. His nanny and I teach him to be a little gentleman. He is a big boy, but never hits.

Unlike the little girl down the street. Her mom is a SAHM, and little miss likes to come and hit and kick and scream. She is quite a terrible little tyrant, and SAHM takes no steps to intervene in this behaviour.

As for lawyers, give our society a try without them, and see how things go..... Be careful what you wish for.

Hey there! I have to commiserate with you, regarding the horrible little neighbor you have down the street

One of the little boys in my playgroup is a disaster, and he too has a SAHM. He is a bully, hair-puller, pusher, and hitter. He is also much bigger than the other kids (38 lbs at 23 months), so it''s really bad when he gets aggresive with the other kids. I know the parents, and they are extremely lazy and lax with discipline. In fact, the mom told me that she feels so overwhelmed by this out-of-control kid, that she put him in day care two days a week because she can''t handle him. Now, she''s getting constant calls from the care providers letting her know that her son is a bully, hits other kids and throws toys at them. I''ve tried to tactfully tell her that she needs to exercise more discipline with him, but I can tell that it''s "not their style." What complicates things is that I''m friends with the mom, but I can tell that my son can''t stand being around her kid. She''s always calling me for playgroups, and I can tell that it hurts her feelings that I blow her off sometimes, but I really hate to get them together unless it''s an environment that they won''t be interacting directly, so I can supervise and keep them apart (e.g. a trip to the petting zoo). It stinks for me, because the mom & I get along really well, but her lack of discipline makes me not want to be around her kid. We met when they were both little babies, so we became friends before these behaviors started to manifest, and now it''s difficult for me to end the friendship without looking mean. Sometimes I just feel like telling her, "Look, I would love to have you join us on girls'' night out, but my son really doesn''t enjoy playing with your son," but I feel like that would be awful, and I would really hate to lose her as a friend.

I''m just hoping that she starts her son in full-week preschool or day care next year, so they can start to make other friends. She has told me that she wants to know where I will be sending my son to preschool so she can send her son there too

but I keep telling her that we may not start him until he''s almost 4, and that we''re looking at Montessori schools, which I know are out of their price range. Thank goodness they live in a different neighborhood in our town, because they won''t be going to public school together at any point, so hopefully within the next year or so her kid can either learn how to play nicely or make other friends.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think the majority of us know a whacked out kid with no discipline. But that''s exactly it...NO DISCIPLINE. That can come from a SAHM or a working mom.

 

[mia1181]

Date: 11/25/2008 2:00:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I think the majority of us know a whacked out kid with no discipline. But that''s exactly it...NO DISCIPLINE. That can come from a SAHM or a working mom.

I Agree 100%

 

[rainydaze]

Date: 11/21/2008 10:53:43 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Ha Fisher. It''s insane...it truly is kind of cuckoo. I pride myself in being a rational person, but Motherhood makes you a bit off kilter.

I''m a closet baby hair sniffer. I''ll just hold her and take little whiffs from time to time and nuzzle the crown of her head. I''ll look up her nose for boogers, and just be amazed when they next day they aren''t there any more and I know I never fished them out.

And how many times can you stare at a baby''s fingers and toes? And think it''s just the coolest thing ever when they wiggle them this way and that. And then you think, this isn''t really interesting, is it? But it is. It''s FASCINATING.

I feel a little weird for losing my mind, but I figure this is what a drug high is like. Nuts, but sooooo gooooood.

I really hope that you will soon get your high Fisher...I know you''ve been wanting it for a long time.

TGal, THANK YOU for the biggest laugh!! i am right there with you, though now we are no longer in the closet!

we are on our last baby and all i can think of is WHAT am i going to do without a fuzzy little head to sniff?!?

hi Haven! i am a SAHM - my DH and i knew that is what we wanted before we were married. we are able to manage it comfortably on one income, however we knew before this was the case that having a SAHP was important enough to us that this was our priority; we would have adjusted accordingly if the time to have kids came and our income was less. i am one of those who needed to be dedicated to parenthood in order to be able to give my kids what they need. i haven''t the energy for work outside AND inside the home, though i understand many do and i admire all parents who are good parents, whether SAH or working.

whatever you decide is right for you and your family, i know you will make a wonderful mother. that comes through loud and clear from all of your insightful posts.

i will leave you with this: which option do you think would be most likely to leave you asking ''what if?....'' as you move along in life?

 

[pennquaker09]

If I may, I would like to give my point-of-view as a SAHD. For me, my childhood is a big factor in my decision to become a stay at home parent. Both of my parents were very invested in their careers when I was a child. I think my parents tried their best, but I have to be honest and admit that I do harbor some resentment because I later found out that they didn’t have to work as much as they did.

Another reason why I stay home is because I want to be the one teaching morals and behaviors. Nate and I both grew up in homes with help. Neither of us had to do any kind of household duties. I went off to college without ever making up my own bed or doing my own laundry. It would have been very easy for me to work and just hand my kids off to a nanny, but I feel like going through what we did to have Savannah and Gray would have been pointless.

I want them to have a sense of how the world works. I don’t want them to take anything in life for granted. And then, I want to be involved in their school; to take them and drop them off. I want to give them all of the opportunities my parents gave me, but what I want to do most of all is give them my time while they need it; just to help them find their way in the world.

To say that my career is on the backburner would be an understatement; I would have to say that at this point in time, it’s not even on the cooktop. I have a passion for what I chose to do. I love sharing my passion of math and chemistry with students, but I just think my desire to have a family is stronger. I haven’t given up on having both a career and family, I’ve just chosen to invest more time into the latter for right now.

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 11/27/2008 3:56:25 AM
Author: pennquaker09
If I may, I would like to give my point-of-view as a SAHD. For me, my childhood is a big factor in my decision to become a stay at home parent. Both of my parents were very invested in their careers when I was a child. I think my parents tried their best, but I have to be honest and admit that I do harbor some resentment because I later found out that they didn’t have to work as much as they did.


Another reason why I stay home is because I want to be the one teaching morals and behaviors. Nate and I both grew up in homes with help. Neither of us had to do any kind of household duties. I went off to college without ever making up my own bed or doing my own laundry. It would have been very easy for me to work and just hand my kids off to a nanny, but I feel like going through what we did to have Savannah and Gray would have been pointless.


I want them to have a sense of how the world works. I don’t want them to take anything in life for granted. And then, I want to be involved in their school; to take them and drop them off. I want to give them all of the opportunities my parents gave me, but what I want to do most of all is give them my time while they need it; just to help them find their way in the world.


To say that my career is on the backburner would be an understatement; I would have to say that at this point in time, it’s not even on the cooktop. I have a passion for what I chose to do. I love sharing my passion of math and chemistry with students, but I just think my desire to have a family is stronger. I haven’t given up on having both a career and family, I’ve just chosen to invest more time into the latter for right now.

PennQuaker, I just wanted to tell you that I always enjoy your posts so much. I can tell you are a very thoughtful, wise, and caring person (with great taste, to boot!). Your kids are very lucky to have you as their SAHD!

 

[softly softly]

This certainly is an interesting discussion. Tgal how I wish it were possible for us to stop judging each other as mothers, but I''m afraid I can''t see that happening. I sort of see it as an inevitable consequence of choice - the thing about having choices is that the responsibility that goes along with making those choices can leave us feeling vulnerable and defensive.

But hey it''s good to have choices right?

Personally I''ve been a SAHM since my son was born 4 years ago, and while I can only echo the sentiments of the other women who have posted, I can''t say I don''t sometimes feel vulnerable and defensive when asked why I''m not working outside the house. Tacori, I felt my hackles rising also when I was reading Elmorton''s earlier posts. It''s wonderful she had such a positive experience growing up with working parents, but it is kind of insulting to imply that establishing a successful career is the best way to set a good example for your children.

For us it really was an easy choice for me to give up work. I''d never been a particularly high earner anyway and by the time we had two kids the sums didn''t really add up for me to go back to work, and I really did feel that the best contribution I could make to my family was to stay at home with my kids.

Which is not to say I don''t sometimes feel like I''m about to go crazy spending my days with irrational toddlers. I think the other mums who have responded are right, what you gain far outweighs what you give up, but make no mistake motherhood involves lots of sacrifices regardless of whether you work outside the home or not.

 

[chickflick]

I have a ten month old daughter and work full-time. Here are my thoughts.

1. My husband quit a very well-paying job in retail management and took a lower-paying job when we decided to have a family because we felt it was important for him to have time with our children and be a presence in their lives. If he went back to that life then we'd be able to afford for me to stay at home, but that's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It's just as important to me for a child to have an involved father as an involved mother. And yes, a father who works can be involved, but then so can a working mother. I can still do playdates and field trips and homeroom mom things. It just takes a little more coordination when you also have a job.

2. It really bothers me when I hear people say things like, "I didn't want strangers to raise my child." My husband and I are raising Leah. While we're at work she's at an accredited child development center, being cared for by people who are highly qualified professionals, but they are NOT raising her. She goes to chapel, takes yoga, plays outside every day, does arts and crafts, and is blossoming socially. She is happy when we drop her off and happy when we pick her up. I can also go online at any time of the day and see what she's doing. I don't have to be with her all day, every day, in order to raise her. Most people send their children to school full-time by the age of six and no one questions that or says that the teachers are raising their children. I don't understand why it's thought that sending a child to day care would be any different.

And the people at her center are NOT strangers, anyway. We carefully chose her care provider and we know all of the teachers very well.

3. The other thing that bothers me is when SAHMs seem to imply that staying home is more of a sacrifice than working. I work FOR Leah, not in spite of her. Every morning I have to force myself to leave her but I want to give her opportunities (beyond just material things) that she would never have if I didn't work. I know that I am giving up time with her to do this, and it's a trade off that I question each and every day, but none of us will know if we've made the right choice until our children are gown up, will we?

I think the bottom line is that we are all doing what we think is best for our families, and just trying to raise happy, healthy children. There's no cookie cutter answer but the issue is such an emotional topic that folks on both sides tend to get very defensive about their choices, so they sometimes take the offensive with othesr to compensate for the self-doubt that many of us feel (like the lawyer who looked down on the SAHM and wondered what she did all day; good grief, has she never spent a day alone with her own child? If she had, she'd know the answer to that question). ALL mothers work hard, and whether you also get paid for some of the things you do, we're all mothers 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It's a job that never ends but is the most rewarding job you'll ever have, regardless of whether you stay at home or choose to work.

 

[icekid]

Date: 12/14/2008 7:55:38 AM
Author: chickflick
ALL mothers work hard, and whether you also get paid for some of the things you do, we''re all mothers 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It''s a job that never ends but is the most rewarding job you''ll ever have, regardless of whether you stay at home or choose to work.

chickflick- I just wanted to say that was a great post! I''d been reading this thread avidly, and found it so disappointing that people would use language about not wanting someone else to raise their child etc. Either way, the parents have a huge decision to make. and though they are doing what is best for their situation, they will be judged anyway!

I''ve embarked on a career where taking a few years off (or even a year) is simply not an option, even if I wanted to. That doesn''t mean that my children will be raised by anyone other than my husband and me. However, I do feel fortunate to have many women doctors as role models who have paved the way to making family and a demanding career work. For either decision, sacrifices are made.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 12/14/2008 7:55:38 AM
Author: chickflick
I have a ten month old daughter and work full-time. Here are my thoughts.

1. My husband quit a very well-paying job in retail management and took a lower-paying job when we decided to have a family because we felt it was important for him to have time with our children and be a presence in their lives. If he went back to that life then we''d be able to afford for me to stay at home, but that''s not a sacrifice I''m willing to make. It''s just as important to me for a child to have an involved father as an involved mother. And yes, a father who works can be involved, but then so can a working mother. I can still do playdates and field trips and homeroom mom things. It just takes a little more coordination when you also have a job.

2. It really bothers me when I hear people say things like, ''I didn''t want strangers to raise my child.'' My husband and I are raising Leah. While we''re at work she''s at an accredited child development center, being cared for by people who are highly qualified professionals, but they are NOT raising her. She goes to chapel, takes yoga, plays outside every day, does arts and crafts, and is blossoming socially. She is happy when we drop her off and happy when we pick her up. I can also go online at any time of the day and see what she''s doing. I don''t have to be with her all day, every day, in order to raise her. Most people send their children to school full-time by the age of six and no one questions that or says that the teachers are raising their children. I don''t understand why it''s thought that sending a child to day care would be any different.

And the people at her center are NOT strangers, anyway. We carefully chose her care provider and we know all of the teachers very well.

3. The other thing that bothers me is when SAHMs seem to imply that staying home is more of a sacrifice than working. I work FOR Leah, not in spite of her. Every morning I have to force myself to leave her but I want to give her opportunities (beyond just material things) that she would never have if I didn''t work. I know that I am giving up time with her to do this, and it''s a trade off that I question each and every day, but none of us will know if we''ve made the right choice until our children are gown up, will we?

I think the bottom line is that we are all doing what we think is best for our families, and just trying to raise happy, healthy children. There''s no cookie cutter answer but the issue is such an emotional topic that folks on both sides tend to get very defensive about their choices, so they sometimes take the offensive with othesr to compensate for the self-doubt that many of us feel (like the lawyer who looked down on the SAHM and wondered what she did all day; good grief, has she never spent a day alone with her own child? If she had, she''d know the answer to that question). ALL mothers work hard, and whether you also get paid for some of the things you do, we''re all mothers 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It''s a job that never ends but is the most rewarding job you''ll ever have, regardless of whether you stay at home or choose to work.

Great post - I once read an article written by a working mom who said it annoyed her when SAHMs referred to themselves as full-time moms - the working mom said, actually, we''re ALL full-time moms - I''m still a mom, whether I''m at work during the day or not - I thought that was an excellent point, and totally true. All parents and families want the best for their children, and raise their own children, whether they work outside the home or not. Different situations just call for different arrangements for different families.

 

[Haven]

chickflick--Thank you for your post, I really appreciate what you shared. Much of your post rang true.

I do, however, value everyone's opinions on this matter despite the fact that they do vary, and often contradict each other. I appreciate the honest feedback from posters, even if it is difficult to read and it goes against what others feel. This is a decision I will hopefully be facing in the next few years, and I'm glad to know what people really think about the various options that exist.

I also know that nobody else can answer this question for me. I am intelligent enough to make my own decisions, but it is very interesting to me to hear why others made their choices. I don't think it's wrong to ask for input as to why others chose to stay at home or continue working.

One reason I am so interested is that I teach high school students, so I get to see the effects of different parenting choices up close. I'm rarely surprised by a student's behavior after I meet their parents.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

softy, I am glad I am not the only one who was bothered by that. I consider myself a very strong woman. It is based on my beliefs, my personality, NOT on my resume. (I am sure you feel the same way about yourself). I think my daughter will be proud of me. Hopefully just as proud as if I was a CEO or a VP. It is insulting to assume otherwise. But I guess it is human nature to judge. I don't view life as black and white. I think all of us are just trying to do the best for our families. We all have the same common goal, just take different routes getting there.

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 12/14/2008 7:55:38 AM
Author: chickflick
I have a ten month old daughter and work full-time. Here are my thoughts.

1. My husband quit a very well-paying job in retail management and took a lower-paying job when we decided to have a family because we felt it was important for him to have time with our children and be a presence in their lives. If he went back to that life then we'd be able to afford for me to stay at home, but that's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It's just as important to me for a child to have an involved father as an involved mother. And yes, a father who works can be involved, but then so can a working mother. I can still do playdates and field trips and homeroom mom things. It just takes a little more coordination when you also have a job.

2. It really bothers me when I hear people say things like, 'I didn't want strangers to raise my child.' My husband and I are raising Leah. While we're at work she's at an accredited child development center, being cared for by people who are highly qualified professionals, but they are NOT raising her. She goes to chapel, takes yoga, plays outside every day, does arts and crafts, and is blossoming socially. She is happy when we drop her off and happy when we pick her up. I can also go online at any time of the day and see what she's doing. I don't have to be with her all day, every day, in order to raise her. Most people send their children to school full-time by the age of six and no one questions that or says that the teachers are raising their children. I don't understand why it's thought that sending a child to day care would be any different.

And the people at her center are NOT strangers, anyway. We carefully chose her care provider and we know all of the teachers very well.

3. The other thing that bothers me is when SAHMs seem to imply that staying home is more of a sacrifice than working. I work FOR Leah, not in spite of her. Every morning I have to force myself to leave her but I want to give her opportunities (beyond just material things) that she would never have if I didn't work. I know that I am giving up time with her to do this, and it's a trade off that I question each and every day, but none of us will know if we've made the right choice until our children are gown up, will we?

I think the bottom line is that we are all doing what we think is best for our families, and just trying to raise happy, healthy children. There's no cookie cutter answer but the issue is such an emotional topic that folks on both sides tend to get very defensive about their choices, so they sometimes take the offensive with othesr to compensate for the self-doubt that many of us feel (like the lawyer who looked down on the SAHM and wondered what she did all day; good grief, has she never spent a day alone with her own child? If she had, she'd know the answer to that question). ALL mothers work hard, and whether you also get paid for some of the things you do, we're all mothers 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It's a job that never ends but is the most rewarding job you'll ever have, regardless of whether you stay at home or choose to work.

chickflick, you said it all better than I ever could have!! I especially agree with #2 and #3. DH and I are raising our children but someone else is taking care of them during the day. And the reason why I work is to give my children the kind of life I think they deserve to have, which they wouldn't be able to without my income, as well as DH's.

But the best point you made is that "we are all doing what we think is best for our families..." That's what it all comes down to--there is no right or wrong, there is only what is right for YOU. Thanks for writing such a thoughtful, rational post.

 

[pennquaker09]

Thanks TanDogMan, I really appreciate that.