MOMS - Why did you decide to stay at home or continue working?

[Haven]

I find myself very torn over whether I plan on staying at home or staying at work once DH and I have kids. One day I''ll be sure I plan on doing one thing, and the next day I find myself on the other side of the fence.

The decision actually impacts a few of the choices I''ll make in the short term, so I would love to hear why you chose to stay home or not, and what you think of your decision.

Thank you!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

For us it was an easy choice. Both of our moms were SAHMs when we were little. I know for me that was a great feeling knowing my mom was home waiting for me. She was there when the school bus stopped, went on field trips, etc...We are lucky that we can live off of DH''s income so there was no reason for me to work outside the home. I have done a few jobs since she was born and am lucky that I can do projects from home (one of the things that drew me to my field). I love spending time with my daughter and seeing all of her firsts. I know DH loves that I take care of her as well. So for our family it works.

 

[luvmyhalo]

I chose to stay home with my daughter because the stressed out, tired version of me was not who I wanted to be as a Mom. I really enjoyed my career as an interior designer but I lived, breathed and thought about work 24/7. Although the money would be nice, especially in our economy, its not worth me not being able to give my all to my little girl.

Some women are fabulous at being able to balance both, I'm just not one of them!

 

[Haven]

Thank you, Tacori and luvmyhalo.

My mom stayed home until I was ten-years-old, and I loved it. I often think of how different my childhood would have been if my mom had gone to work when I was younger.

I know this is going to sound crazy because I really can''t imagine being bored when you have a CHILD to care for, but I work with several women who say they tried to stay at home but were bored to tears and had to go back to work. What do you think about that? Can you relate? Does it sound crazy to you?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Haven, there are days...many, when I am bored or frustrated. It is a tough, lonely job but the rewards make it worth it. She will never be this little again so I want to be there for it. KWIM?

ETA: Being a SAHM has *always* my ideal situation (as long as we could afford it). It ain't glamorous and the pay is lousy but the perks are priceless. I am sure once my kids get to be school age I'll get bored and want to work again (in some form).

 

[Haven]

That makes complete sense, Tacori.

I just keep thinking that there is no way I''ll ever find a job more fulfilling or worthwhile than raising my own children.

But, I''m really interested in hearing everyone''s perspective, because I do love my job, too. Well, I love it when I''m in the classroom. I would happily do without everything else.

 

[musey]

Haven, we're going through the same thing right now, too. At this point in our lives we could not afford to raise a family on one of our salaries (either one), at least not where we live. If we had a child right now and I decided to stay home, we'd have to move, for SURE.


Anyway, I was raised by a SAHM and always assumed that I would be one, as well. When my husband (then-boyfriend) and I started talking about that stuff, and I found that he has (or had, he's been getting over it more and more) very unrealistic ideas about the subject.

Both of his parents worked more than full time, and he was mostly 'raised' by after-school programs and a neighbor that took care of him for free. FREE. He thought that this was normal, and figured he'd do the same with his kids. I had a great deal of difficulty explaining to him how unrealistic it was to expect to not only have a neighbor willing and trustworthy enough to care for your kids, but that they'd also do it for free. On top of that, did he really want his kids to be raised by a neighbor, or by their parents?

It was a difficult question for him to wrap his head around, since that was all he'd known. He's been slowly realizing what a different relationship I have with my parents than he has with his--they will always be my nurturers first, my friends second. He mostly thinks of his parents as his friends.

I suppose I could never say which is the better option, since I've only experienced one... but I just cannot bring myself to be okay with the idea of my babies being raised by neighbors or nannies. Once they're old enough to be in school, then certainly, I would personally plan to work during those hours if I can... but for me, I crave the relationship I would have with my children by being their number 1 primary caregiver for those first years.

 

[musey]

That probably wasn''t a very helpful post

sorry about that! Here, I''ll try to make up for it. This is what my mom told me when I talked to her about it in detail about a year ago.

When both parents work, it''s really difficult to take care of the gotta-get-it-done stuff after work, and impossible to do so without cutting into your time with the kids. By being a SAHM, she would take care of that stuff while my dad was at work, so that while he was home he could spend much-needed time with us.

The situation was a little more ''dire'' (for lack of a better word) for my family because my dad was an emergency physician, and as such worked VERY irregular hours. Some days he''d be at work from 8am-6pm, some days 8pm-6am, some days 2pm-12am... so he didn''t have a reliable allotment of time every day that he''d be home to see us. It was really patchy. But because my mom stayed at home with us, all his time at home was quality time with the kids... so I honestly didn''t even feel like I saw him any less than my mom. Which is an amazing feat for someone in his profession.

 

[Jas12]

Haven--i am struggling with the same question. My mat leave ends in march and iam pretty sure i will go back but once baby number 2 comes along i am thinking i may stay out of the work force for a few years. I just hate the thought of someone else raising my kids and I just feel like time goes by too fast when they are young so i want to take full advantage of the years when they actually want me around.

That said, boredom is a real issue for me. I am not bored with my child, i just get bored of being at home all day (i am not a homebody). If i didn''t have to worry about being at home 3 times a day for my son''s naps, and if going out to do stuff didn''t cost anything i am sure i would not feel this way very often, but i do. I crave adult stimulation/conversation (thank god for PS) and working on projects that are more complicated than singing baa baa black sheep --so aside from money, that is my biggest motivation for returning to work.
A friend told me baby # 2 would solve this problem and i suspect she is right.

sorry, i realize my fence sitting is not a big help--but at least you know that unfortunately even when the baby does come along you can still have mixed emotions on the whole dilemma.

 

[Haven]

Musey, Jas--thank you. Both of your replies are so very helpful.

Musey--It sounds like your parents did a great job working with your father''s crazy schedule, that''s so wonderful. I also see what you mean about parents being caregivers vs. friends. I see that difference today in my own family, as my youngest sisters were raised by after-school programs and daycare, and I was raised by my mom.

Jas--It''s good to know that I''ll probably still be torn after we start having children! I realize this isn''t an easy decision to make, but it is so nice to hear what others considered before making the decision, and then how they feel about their choice after it''s been made.
Are you a teacher? I seem to remember that you''re a teacher. If so, you''ll understand this other concern of mine--I have no idea how I''ll have time to do anything with my own children after spending time teaching other people''s children all day, or even half day. I work with so many women who do it, and I give them a lot of credit.

I''m really torn on the issue because our plans for what I''ll do after we have children will change my current work plans. I''m in my third year of teaching at my current school, and I''ll get tenure after one more year of work after this. If I''m going to want to take maternity leave and then go back to work after we have a baby, then staying at my current job is the best idea. However, if I''m going to leave the working world for a while after we have a baby, then it really doesn''t matter if I leave my current job and find something else, because I''ll a) be giving up my tenure, anyway, and b) I won''t need to rely on tenure in order to have a job to go back to after maternity leave.

AND, if I plan on being a SAHM, then I definitely want to get another job for the upcoming school year. I love my current school, but I''d rather teach a full load of English classes than what I do now, which is teach one part English and two parts reading.

Those aren''t the only things I''m considering, but if I do want to make a job switch for next year, I need to start networking now.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Haven,

I always wanted to be a SAHM so after my first son was born, I made the decision to be home with him and then, also with his brother, who was born two years later. I really liked being around them, cuddling with them, reading, playing with legos, going to the park, swimming lessons, etc.,. If I had been working FT, due to my personality, I would have been a mental mess plus missed out on all those precious years.

The only mistake I made was not finding a "mini-job," say 10 hours a week. No more than that simply to keep my resume up-to-date. It's been eight years since I've worked and now with the economy in its horrible state, I cannot find a decent job UNLESS I take a low paying one where over half my income goes to childcare and taxes (A few weeks back, I was hired for a FT temp. $13/hour job, but after daycare/communting, it was a $5/hour job so I decided not to take it!). Also, currently there's tons of competition, for get this -> places like 7-11. I was reading in the paper that one location that wasn't even hiring received over 100 applications in a one week time period and that was for a $8.50/hr job! (that would be negative earnings for me

) With all the lay offs, it's impossible for me to find any employer who will look at my application and chose me over someone who's had years of job history.

I was an accountant before kids and HATED it, but I should have found something PT I could do from home to keep my skills current.

Since you're currently a teacher, my advice to you is to volunteer like crazy while your kids are in elementary school so when you go back to work, you'll have current school-related job skills. I'm volunteering at my kids' school 6+ hours a week and am hoping that helps me find some employment w/the district (and during school hours so I don't have to pay for child care).

I want to be home with my kids after school, but I simply have too much time on my hands while their in school till 3 pm!

 

[Haven]

MC--I was hoping you''d weigh in, thank you! I love reading your posts, it is always so clear that you cherish raising your children and that you''re a wonderful mom.

That''s very good advice about keeping a pt job while staying at home. I always wonder if it''s difficult to get back into a career after taking time off. (Heck, it''s impossible for some people to find teaching jobs right after college around here, so I can only imagine!)

I''m sorry to hear you''re having such a hard time finding work. Have you considered teaching classes that high schools offer for adults in the evening? I know that our local high schools are always looking for people with experience in any niche to run a class. With your accounting experience you could teach a "Finances for Moms" or "Budgeting" class or some such thing. They''re not a huge source of income, but it''s great experience for your resume. I''ve seen programs that pay anything from $18 to $30 an hour.

 

[TravelingGal]

Haven, when it comes to sanity and boredom, a lot of it will have to do with how many friends of yours will also be the same and have kids your age. This is why people join mommy groups.

I am not a SAHM, but a WAHM. I LOVE it. I could easily be a SAHM if our budget permitted. Another friend of mine owns her own business and has as son 5.5 months older than my daughter. We lunch all the time, along with another friend who isn''t a mom yet but only works part time for spending money since her husband is successful. Hanging out breaks up the monotony of being alone with your kid, but it also makes me want to go back to hanging out alone with my kid. It''s a nice balance.

If I had to work in an office, it''d be tough. I do have the best of all worlds...my work to keep me busy, my mom and a nanny to help (on different days) and the freedom to take a break and hang out with the kid during the day. I can''t imagine not being here for her...especially when they are so young and every day is something new.

 

[basil]

Hey Haven, I don''t have kids but my mom was/is a teacher who was bored with being a stay-at-home-mom after a year of me, so I hope this is slightly helpful!

When I was born, my mom thought that she''d do as most women teachers at that time did, and quit work to stay home with me. I was born in July and she took a year off but returned the following September. Partly, it was because I was a really cranky collicky baby, but apparently, she missed adult interactions and stimulations so she returned to work. She only took 5 months off when she had my brother (April to Sept). We had a neighbor for a nanny, and then when old enough went to pre-school. I don''t remember most of that time, so I don''t think it really affected me in terms of my relationship with my mom.

Honestly, I think being a teacher is kind of an ideal career to continue after having kids, because for the most part, you''re working the same hours that your kids are in school. Until I got to 9th grade, my mom would beat me home from school unless she had a late meeting, which was rare. I often had after-school activities so she would pick me up on her way home. Obviously, she was home all weekends, school vacations and holidays, and snow days!

Anyway, I still have a great relationship with both my parents, and they''re very nurturing, so I''m not sure that the other posters'' experiences aren''t chicken/egg (less nurturing people may be more likely to put their kids in daycare).

 

[Burk]

I''m a teacher and I''m back at work after having my daughter last January. Obviously you have to do what''s best for you and your husband, but here is our situation:

After having my DD, I took 10 weeks maternity leave and was so upset when I had to go back to work. I''m also a volleyball coach and I knew I didn''t want to give that up, but we weren''t really sure we wanted to give up my entire teaching salary so I decided to come back this school year part time (9am-3pm). I loved my summer with my daughter but when August rolled around I actually could see the upside of going back to school. I looked forward to having adult interaction. I really liked the idea of doing my hair and make-up and not wearing sweat pants. My daughter loves daycare-she''s a total social butterfly so that made that part so much easier. I still go see her during my lunch often and sometimes feel sad when I have to drop her off at daycare when she''s been sick or on days when I just don''t feel like going to work (I think all teachers have those,don''t they?

). Next year I''ll probably go down to even more "part time" (probably 10:45-3) because I''d like to spend more time with DD and my current teaching load is basically full time job for part time pay. DD will still get her social time at daycare and I''ll still get my adult interaction at work. And, I still like to think that I do make a difference as a teacher.

I hope this is in some way helpful! Good luck!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I haven''t been faced with this decision quite yet (my baby is due in Feb) but I wanted to comment based on many of my friend''s experiences... I think you may need to kind of play it by ear to a degree and see how you feel when the time comes and you are at home and actually faced with the decision. Some of my freinds who thought they would love beign at home actually ended up preferring being back at work, and some who thought they wouldn''t love it really really adored being home with their kids

!

 

[iluvcarats]

Hi Haven!
I am a SAHM, and I wouldn''t have it any other way. I love being home with my kids, and most of the time I find the job very rewarding. Forgive me for plagiarizing the army, but being a SAHM is one of the toughest jobs you''ll ever love. True, it is not always exciting, and especially when they were little, I had my days when I was drowning in mommyhood. But the rewards are immeasurable. I was there for the first words, and first steps and everything else along the way. True, I don''t make any $, but my paychecks come in forms of crayon colored rainbows that say "You''re the best mom ever!" and star paintings that say "thank you lucky stars for my sweet mommy" I know it is good for the kids to have a mom at home, but selfishly, I feel good, because I am raising nice kids. So for me , it is "win-win." I realize that I am lucky to have the choice to stay home, and that staying home is not for everyone. And for all you working moms out there, please don''t interpret this as me saying that staying at home means you are a better mom, or that my kids are *better* or anything like that. I don''t think anything of the sort, and I admire working moms immensely. I actually don''t think I have the capability to handle that very well, as I am not a naturally organized person. Some moms are better moms if they work. Staying home is not for everyone, and vice-versa. But for *me*, I just wanted to be there.

 

[Haven]

TGal--What you''re saying makes a lot of sense, I can imagine that having a solid group of other SAHMs would really change one''s perspective.
It''s great that you can at least work at home. My aunt and uncle have a 5yo and 2yo twins, and when the twins came around he knew he had to figure out how to work from home. He loves it, too.

basil--Thank you for sharing your mom''s perspective. I can imagine craving adult interaction after being around babies all day.
I thought teaching would be a great career for me to hold down as a mom, but it''s a huge misconception that
teachers only work from 8 to 3. The EASIEST part of my job happens between 7:45 and 3:45, that''s when I''m teaching. The rest of the day is when I plan, grade, call parents, fill out paperwork, research, read the texts that I''m teaching, serve on committees, coach teams, and did I mention grade?

Burk--Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you''re striking a nice balance between teaching and being at home. Our school is trying to phase out part-time teachers, which is a shame, but I bet I could find something teaching a class or two a day. What do you teach?

dd--I have a sinking feeling that you are absolutely correct! I''m sure I''ll only be able to really know what works for me once I''ve experienced staying at home. I wish I could know now so I could make some decisions about whether to stay at my current job or look for something else. *If* the next two years or so will be my last teaching full-time for a while, I really want a full load of lit classes, rather than working as a reading specialist two-thirds of my day, which is what I do now. Aaaah, reality is a pain, isn''t it?

Thanks so much everyone for your sharing your thoughts.

Tacori and Burk--Your children are beautiful!

 

[Haven]

iluvcarats--Awwww, your post is so sweet. One of my colleagues (who is also a reading specialist) hung up a picture from her son which reads "Mommy will you please teach me to read?" Oh my gosh, it melts my heart every time I see it. It''s like a reading specialist''s DREAM!
Anyway, I can''t imagine missing all those special moments with my children, how wonderful that you get to be there for every single one.

 

[basil]

Date: 11/18/2008 10:42:58 PM
Author: Haven

basil--Thank you for sharing your mom''s perspective. I can imagine craving adult interaction after being around babies all day.

I thought teaching would be a great career for me to hold down as a mom, but it''s a huge misconception that teachers only work from 8 to 3. The EASIEST part of my job happens between 7:45 and 3:45, that''s when I''m teaching. The rest of the day is when I plan, grade, call parents, fill out paperwork, research, read the texts that I''m teaching, serve on committees, coach teams, and did I mention grade?

My mom bristles at that misconception as well, though I still remind her she''s never had to take overnight call

. As a special needs teacher, she had less grading (especially post-inclusion), but more administrative responsibilities. She usually went to work early to get stuff done, while my dad left for work later and put us on the bus. And since her school got out 45 min earlier than ours, she also had time at the end of the day.

 

[Haven]

No overnight calls, that''s for sure! But I''d consider them if they started paying teachers what they pay other professionals with multiple master''s degrees and academic doctorates.

Here''s the other thing, ladies--would you stay at home if your family didn''t need your income? DH and I have tried very hard to live far enough within our means to easily live on his income alone. Now, I know that kids are going to cost a lot of money, and it will probably never feel like we have enough, but we don''t use a penny of what I earn for living expenses. Would that change your plans, if you were in our situation?

Perhaps I should stop worrying so much about the future and get back to grading those argumentative essays . . .

 

[divergrrl]

Haven, I was adamant that I was a born-n-bred career woman. I had a great job, niiiice income, perks, and looked damn good in a suit and Italian heels.

Never ever ever would *I* be a SAHM.

ummmmm..

hmmmmmm....

I work for 2 small people who need me to wipe their a$$es and I love every second of it.

How the hell did THAT happen?

You know what? Don''t sweat it. Some day you will have kids & you can make your decision then! My one piece of advice? Start saving one income. Pretty much a good rule of thumb for any couple regardless if htey want to have kids, not have kids, have one person stay home etc. You never know when someone will lose a job, get sick, disabled, divorced, etc.

One income floats the house payment/utilities/etc...and the 2nd is savings, and gravy stuff (remodeling, traveling, cars etc). My dh and I did that and when I decided to quit it was like....no biggie....now we don''t travel, buy expensive goodies or do massive renovations for awhile.

 

[divergrrl]

I almost forgot...

http://www.momsclub.com/

this is an International Organization & I am a member of my town''s chapter.

I am, in fact, the Vice President of Membership. That''s MADAME Vice President to y''all.

LOL.

But, the Moms Club is a very professionally run organization. Our newsletter that goes out each month is pack with activities that are fun & stimulating for both mom & children.

Each chapter is by geographic region, in my small burb we have 70 members.

Dues are ridiculously cheap... $24 a year.

We do fundraising for our local county Women''s Services (shelters) so we put on community functions, and a huge holiday brunch/auction to raise money.

There is a mom''s night out each month, a monthly social for the kids, you have the option of signing up for a small age appropriate playgroup that usually meets weekly.

You can go to as many events as you like or as few as you like.

Any time a member has a baby, family emergency or surgery, we bring meals to them for 2 weeks.

Its so FUN and it really just ELIMINATES the mommy-boredom because it is full of great women like you and the fact that it is so well run really helps.

I was blown away by how professional our chapter is. But heck, we have moms from all walks of life, bringing a variety of different career skills and it really shows.

Its a fabulous outlet & if you REQUIRE human interaction & like putting on a cute outfit & having a reason to do your makeup (or not, if I show up in sweats & a pony tail, no one cares...) its a good social network. And the kids love it. I''ve discovered more neat activities for my kids through the club. And I require mental challenge, so its nice for me to have a board position! (not required again).

But if you are a SAHM check them out...its a fabulous organization.

 

[snlee]

I am struggling with this decision right now. My maternity leave ends in February and right now I plan to go back to work full-time but it breaks my heart thinking about leaving my (then) 4 month old. I want to be there for every moment and I know I won't be able to give my all if I'm working full-time. Being a mom is the toughest job ever but is so rewarding. In an ideal world, I would be a SAHM. But we really need the income and I enjoy the social aspect of work. I also worry that if I'm a SAHM, I'd have a lot of difficulty getting back into the work force when my children are older. I think working part-time or being a work at home mom would be great. I wish my company had a part time option for me but sadly, I don't think that's an option.

Haven, I know this is probably not that helpful to you. It's great that you are thinking that far ahead but I don't think that you can make a decision until you're in the situation. I still have very mixed emotions about this!

 

[Dancing Fire]

i was a SAHD

 

[that_someone_special]

I don''t have children, but when I do I will be a SAHM.

Reason? I was abused by a child care provider when I was 4, and then again by another when I was 5.
You never know who are watching your children. I don''t want to even think of putting my kids through that-- it may or may not happen, but I don''t want to take the chance.

At first, my bf didn''t understand why I felt this way. He wanted both of us to work. But if we can live off of one salary when we''re married, then that''s what I''m doing-- no ifs, ands, or buts!

I plan on doing freelance from home though, possibly.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

My job is flexible in that I can work as little or as much as I want...so when my son was born as I had already worked for "ages" so I began to work less and less. However boredom set in, but instead of returning to work, I returned to school do a Masters Degree (thesis route). And worked just enough to keep my license. My son was three.

For one reason or another, I let my license laspe and I am back in "school" again so that I may return to work. I am bored bored bored at home--despite volunteering teaching ESL two days a week--and need to get out professionally to fulfill some goals I have set for myself. Although staying at home (for the most part) has been what was "right" for our family until now, I feel I want to contribute in other ways. Notwithstanding I like to work--I like the satsifaction, professional networking and the paycheque it brings.

Although laudable, I think often it is difficult to plan these things--how do you know how you'll feel until you are immersed in the situation? If you have great maternity benefits it gives you some time/latitude to make some decisions while living the experience.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Jas12]

Oh my, all these testimonies are making me re-think going back to work in march! Ahhh, the inner conflict! Thanks a lot Haven !!

And yes haven, i am a teacher. I think you are right to guess that being with kids all day and then taking care of your own is exhausting but what i hear from other teacher moms is a) you really appreciate your own child and b) dealing with just one kid you love seems like nothing after spending the day with 25 kids you kinda like

I think teachers are social by nature, otherwise they would not choose a career where they are forced to engage 20 + ppl allll day long so it only makes sense that being at home with a baby that can''t talk back is hard, but i think Diver''s suggestion is a terrific one. Getting involved in community stuff is something i need to do more of.
If you are not sure if you''ll return to work and if you don''t really love your current course load then i personally wouldn''t worry about the tenure. I would try for a new position and then play it by ear.

 

[steph72276]

Haven,
The choice for me was pretty easy. I was a kindergarten teacher and by the time you added up childcare for an infant, clothes for work, gas, etc. I think I was almost paying to go to work! So I decided to stay at home until my little ones are in kindergarten at least. I really love being home with my little guy, taking him to the park and storytime and playdates. I don''t regret my choice for a minute. Like Tacori said, there are days when you are bored or lonely or frustrated, but all the special memories you have makes it all worth it!

 

[somethingshiny]

It was always in the plans for me to stay home when we started having children. We discussed it in depth before we got married, or even engaged. It was equally important to both of us to have a SAHM growing up, and we knew we wanted that for our children.

It takes some budgeting and creativity (unless one is a dr or a lawyer!) but well worth it.

I''ll stay home until our little guy is in school full-time, but even after that, I''ll probably work part time so I''m home for homework and dinner.